Star Trek: Deep Space Nine s02e07 Episode Script
Rules of Acquisition
You know the rules, Morn.
|No sleeping on the Promenade.
Come on, come on, come on.
The risk is to you, Lieutenant.
l could think better|without your hand on my thigh.
How did that get there? What's it going to be?|Confront, evade, acquire, retreat? Confront.
Yes! - Doesn't she ever lose?|- How did you learn to play tongo? Curzon played it all the time.
So it's Curzon whose beating us,|not this female.
- This female is a better player.
|- And a prettier one, too.
Maybe, but l still prefer|a Ferengi female.
One who never wears clothes,|never talks back and never plays tongo! ls that how you prefer your women?|Naked and submissive? - You find such a lifestyle appealing?|- Don't you wish? l do.
l really do.
The opening risk is at five strips|of latinum.
The purchase is three,|the sell is eight.
This isn't the proper time! - l'm trying to concentrate.
|- lt's this insolent waiter's fault.
- l think you should try this.
|- What is it? A way to double profits.
- He immediately reached for his drink!|- So l did.
You don't realise you're thirsty.
|What are they? Gramilian sand peas.
They inhibit|the secretion of the salivary glands while drying out the tissues|of the tongue.
lt works every time.
lf you replace your dishes|of lokar beans with these, your customers' glasses|will never be empty.
- What's your name again?|- Pel.
What do you think about my idea? l agree with the 59th Rule.
|''Free advice is seldom cheap''.
But the 22nd rule says, ''A wise man|can hear profit in the wind''.
- l see you know your rules.
|- All 285 of them.
The commentaries on them, as well.
|l don't plan on being a waiter forever.
- Good, then you're fired.
|- Shut up, Rom.
When it comes to business,|my brother has the lobes of a female.
What made you take a job here|at the station? l wanted to learn from the very best.
Which brings to mind the 33rd rule: ''lt never hurts to suck up to the boss''.
The Grand Nagus Zek's|personal subspace frequency.
l wonder what he wants.
Why look so surprised?|l told you l'd be back.
- l looked forward to your return.
|- Still the perfect toady, Quark? - l try to be.
|- Listen carefully.
The Ferengi expansion into|the Gamma Quadrant is about to begin.
l'd like you to be my chief negotiator.
- Me?|- That's right.
lt's an opportunity to make more profit|than you ever dreamed of.
All you have to do is earn it.
Some Hupyrian beetle snuff? l don't think so.
Suit yourself.
More for me.
Little late, aren't we? You wanted to see me? You're planning a business conference|at the station? With the Dosi,|a race from the Gamma Quadrant.
A profitable opportunity|for all concerned.
For the Ferengi.
Are you implying something, Major? Not at all.
The Ferengi reputation speaks for itself.
A reputation for honesty and decency|and reliability.
You always know what to expect|when you do business with a Ferengi.
Which you don't if you're smart.
- You've made your point, Major.
|- As misinformed as it may be.
Besides, how we do business|is no concern of yours.
Unless you conduct it here.
ln other words, Zek, if you hold your negotiations here and you cheat the Dosi, you'll never set foot|on this station again.
Did anyone ever tell you|your eyes shine with the brilliance|of Kibberian fire diamonds? - Not that l recall.
|- Well, they do.
So, tell me, Major.
Could Bajor use 50000 kilos|of brizeen nitrate? Of course we could.
We could fertilise|the entire northern peninsula.
l've come into possession|of 50000 kilos of brizeen nitrate.
To show you how much|your co-operation means to me, l'll let you have the entire shipment.
The Dosi must still be fairly treated|while they're here.
- You have my word.
|- Good.
Then it's settled.
|Let's see.
You said you were giving it to them.
You're right, Commander.
|We're all friends here.
- l'll let you have it at cost.
|- l have a better idea.
Why not consider the nitrate|as a gift to the people of Bajor? That doesn't sound very profitable.
- lt depends.
|- On what? On whether you want to conduct|business here or not.
Your negotiating skills|aren't bad for a human.
Your nitrate will be delivered promptly.
Anything else you need,|come see me personally.
l've been involved in some|very profitable opportunities in my time, but my lobes are telling me|that this may be the most profitable opportunity|in Ferengi history.
And part of those profits will be mine.
Profit, fame, power.
|As much as you want.
Tell me, Nagus,|what exactly is this great opportunity? l can sum it up in one word:|tulaberries.
- Tulaberries?|- Exactly.
They're the main ingredient|in tulaberry wine.
Your job will be to purchase|10000 vats from the Dosi.
Within a year,|we'll have made tulaberry wine the most popular drink in their entire|sector.
That's enough! l like it.
Very distinguished.
How will tulaberries be the most|profitable opportunity in history? - Do l have to spell it out for you?|- lf you don't mind.
They'll establish a Ferengi presence|inside the Gamma Quadrant.
Once we get our foot in the door they'll never get it out.
Yes, l see.
Tulaberries, Quark.
|Tulaberries.
Tulaberries.
- l wonder what they taste like.
|- Who cares? They'll get a Ferengi foot|in the Gamma Quadrant door.
lt'll be your foot, brother.
l'm going to make history, Rom,|and l'm going to be rich.
l have the Grand Nagus to thank for it.
|He must really like me.
Just remember one thing: ''The bigger|the smile, the sharper the knife''.
- 48th Rule of Acquisition.
|- l warned you about that fellow.
Do you mind telling me|what you meant? Why did the Nagus put you in charge|of such a lucrative opportunity? He knows l have the lobes|for business.
l won't have my brother insulted.
|You're fired.
Shut up! Go on.
lf the negotiations are profitable,|the Nagus is a hero.
lf they fail, he'll need someone|to take the blame.
All l'm saying is be careful.
Ridiculous lies!|He's jealous of your success.
lf something goes wrong,|it'll be my fault.
- Then you'll need help, brother.
|- Yes.
- Someone to serve as your consultant.
|- Yes.
- Someone like me.
|- No.
l've been thinking about what you said.
l could use some help|during these negotiations.
l accept.
|Then we're partners.
Not quite.
l don't need a partner.
|l need an assistant.
- l get 25%.
|- 15.
- 20.
|- Done.
Brother, what can l do to help? You want to help?|Table six is waiting.
- How do l look?|- Nervous.
What have l got to be nervous about? Zek should be nervous|with Quark as his chief negotiator.
lf you ever do that again lf you do that again,|l'll stick that brizeen right up your - Here they come!|- Whoa! Don't worry.
|Just a minor disagreement.
So ercan l get anyone|something to eat? All right.
Ermlet's go over our offer.
The Ferengi are interested in buying|10000 vats of tulaberry wine.
ln exchange, the Dosi will receive|a very fair trade package.
There are interesting items on that list.
|A subspace field modulator - We'll give you 5000 vats.
|- l'm afraid that won't be enough.
Our vast distribution network|in the Gamma Quadrant will need 10000 vats.
l'm offering you 5000 vats.
|l suggest you take it.
The Nagus will never agree.
This is a waste of time.
|We should be talking directly to Zek.
Why do you bother talking|to this insignificance? See what you've done?|You've made me look foolish.
- l didn't mean to.
|- Then bring us Zek.
The Nagus asked Quark|to represent him.
Are you implying that Zek is|too important to negotiate with us? Because if we kill you Zek will have to talk to us.
You want to do business|with the Ferengi, you talk to Quark.
How about it?|Do we say 10000 vats? We'll think about it.
Can l help you? What is it? - lt's beautiful.
|- lt's latinum.
l really can't accept this.
Did Zek think this would get him|anywhere? lt doesn't stop a Ferengi from trying.
- You sound like you admire them.
|- l suppose in a way l do.
l don't understand your attitude|about the Ferengi.
You don't socialise with them|the way l do.
l can't think of a single race|l've enjoyed more.
Did anyone ever tell you|you have very strange taste? l admit they crave profit and their behaviour towards women|is primitive.
They're greedy, untrustworthy trolls.
|l wouldn't turn my back on one of them.
Neither would l.
But once you|accept that, they can be a lot of fun.
Evade.
- Evade.
|- Retreat.
- Acquire.
|- Confront.
Did l say ''acquire''?|l meant ''evade''.
- You said ''acquire''.
|- l meant ''evade''.
- Let's play the round over.
|- That's fair.
Who asked you? And shouldn't you be|plotting strategy for the negotiations? - l've thought of nothing else.
|- That's why you're losing.
l think by tomorrow,|we should have an agreement.
l'm not sure they'll even agree|to sell us 10000.
Do as l say or l'll take over|the negotiations.
l think raising the stakes|is a brilliant idea.
lt'll show we mean business.
|No wonder Quark says you're a genius.
- He says that, does he?|- All the time.
Very touching.
|Now bring me some fresh tube grubs.
Right away.
l believe the next challenge|goes to you.
l think l'll pass on this round.
Such loyalty must be expensive.
- You can't buy that kind of loyalty.
|- You can where l come from.
- ls the Nagus always this impatient?|- He wants results.
But he's not making my job any easier.
You'll get them.
You're good.
And with me helping you,|you're even better.
Why are you being so nice to me? For 20% of your profits.
|Why else? - Fair enough.
|- Quark, where are my grubs? Coming! This is what l call fresh.
- The Replimat has a Ferengi menu?|- No, l like to try new things.
That's unusual for a Ferengi.
- l never heard of a Trill playing tongo.
|- That makes us both unusual.
l was impressed by your show of loyalty|to Quark last night.
He deserves it.
Another Ferengi would have let Zek|pick him to pieces.
But you're not like|any other Ferengi l've ever met.
Quark really likes you.
|He talks about you all the time.
He once convinced me|to go up to a holosuite with him.
He recreated the bedroom|l slept in as a child.
Most of the details were wrong,|but it was a sweet gesture - until he tried to kiss me.
|- That sounds like Quark.
l don't care what anybody says.
|l love him.
- So do l.
|- You really do, don't you? l've seen the way you look at him.
Keep your voice down.
|He doesn't even know l'm a female.
- You're a woman?|- Please lower your voice.
l knew you were different.
- l've never met a Ferengi woman.
|- You probably never will again.
Women can't leave the house|or wear clothes - And you wanted more.
|- Why not? l'm as smart as any man.
l made myself a pair of lobes|and became one.
Why come here? To acquire profit, of course.
|There's one thing l wasn't counting on.
Falling in love with Quark.
- What do you think l should do?|- l don't know.
But l do know there's more to life|than profit.
Pel, it's time.
We don't want|to keep the Dosi waiting.
Hurry.
Ooh! Excuse me.
Did the shipment of brizeen nitrate|arrive on time? - Yes, it did.
|- And here you are to thank me.
Have a seat.
- l stopped by to return this.
|- ls something wrong with it? lt's lovely.
|l just can't accept it.
Then l suppose a night of wild romance|is out of the question? - That's right.
|- Just thought l'd ask.
Dax must be crazy.
Nice view, isn't it? The negotiations are already over?|Let's see the contract.
- There is no contract.
|- No contract? You offered to buy 100000 vats,|didn't you? That's when they left.
|The station.
- l begged them to stay.
|- This is a complete catastrophe! This was your big chance|and you blew it! You may have harmed Ferengi|opportunities in the Gamma Quadrant! We said we'd get you the tulaberries|and that's what we're going to do.
We'll travel to the Gamma Quadrant|and get the Dosi to sign the contract.
How do you plan to get there? - We'll take your ship.
|- My ship? l suppose you expect Maihar'du|to pilot it for you.
l can pilot the ship.
lt's up to you.
|Do you want the tulaberries or not? All right.
You can use my ship,|but l'm warning you, Quark: get the Dosi to sign that contract or you'll be tending that worthless|little bar for the rest of your life! l've waited my whole life|for an opportunity like this.
So have l.
- lt hasn't turned out how l planned.
|- lt's not over yet.
l still don't understand why the Nagus|is insisting on 100000 vats.
Neither do l.
You think he's trying to sabotage|the negotiation? - Why would he?|- l have no idea.
He knows more than he's letting on.
- About what?|- Everything.
The tulaberries, the Dosi,|the Gamma Quadrant.
lf you figure out what he's up to,|tell me.
Don't worry, l will.
The only thing l've done right|is pick you as my consultant.
l'm glad you feel that way.
lf we can only make some profit.
Quark, there's something|you should know.
l know what you're going to say.
|lt's no secret.
You've been a great help,|but you agreed to a 20% share - and that's all you're going to get.
|- l see.
''Never place friendship above profit.
'' - 21 st Rule of Acquisition.
|- l'm glad you agree.
Go, just go! - Feeling a little overwhelmed?|- l'm glad someone notices.
- When's Quark due back?|- How should l know? He doesn't even bother to insult|me any more.
lt's Pel, that flabby-eared interloper.
|He's stealing my brother's affections.
You're better off.
Would you let someone|steal your brother? l don't have a brother.
|Not that l know of.
But if you did? l suppose if l did have a brother, even one as worthless as Quark, l wouldn't let anyone come between us.
There must be something here|l could use against him.
l want to supervise all operations.
- That's ridiculous.
|- Then find another partner.
l said no! Are you enjoying yourselves,|little Ferengi? - How could we not?|- What is this place, Zyree? This is where opportunities are made.
- l thought it was a party.
|- This is all about profit.
Like the Ferengi, the Dosi are|very serious when it comes to profit.
You.
Take him away.
Very serious.
Look who finally showed up.
lt's about time.
- Where are you going?|- To get serious about profit.
lt's you, Ferengi.
Aren't you|on the wrong side of the wormhole? lt certainly feels that way.
l need your thumbscan on this lucrative|contract and l can go home.
You had your chance.
- Go away!|- Not until we finish our discussion.
You are starting to annoy me.
Sorry.
l should have killed you|on that station.
You didn't because you recognise|a good opportunity when you see one.
Just put your thumbscan here.
You can have the 10000 vats.
- 100000.
|- That's impossible! - l'm not leaving till l get it.
|- Fine.
Then stay.
We'd be more comfortable|on the ship.
l want to be here in case|lnglatu changes his mind.
- Wait!|- What is it? - The mattress!|- What about it? - lt looks lumpy.
|- lt's very comfortable.
- l can't sleep on a lumpy mattress.
|- Try it for yourself.
- What side do you want?|- What are you doing? - Getting undressed.
|- You're going to sleep? l'm tired.
Shouldn't we discuss|rules of strategy? There's nothing to discuss.
You know what|the 103rd Rule of Acquisition says.
- ''Sleep can interfere''|- l don't care! - Wait!|- What is it now? - First a toast.
|- To what? - To profit, of course.
|- Of course.
- lt's warm in here.
|- lt must be the wine.
l hope so.
l was impressed with the way|you handled lnglatu.
l was good, wasn't l? - Let's get to bed.
|- Wait! The look on his face|when you knocked over the barrel.
That was risky.
''The riskier the road,|the greater the profit.
'' - You really know your rules.
|- And you have a very nice smile.
l do? Quark, l have something to tell you.
- l'm not interrupting anything?|- No, definitely not! - Are you sure?|- Positive! - l'll come back tomorrow.
|- Wait! - This is a misunderstanding.
|- You seem to be busy.
Busy? Don't be ridiculous.
We can't wait to hear|what you have to say.
We could use the company.
|lsn't that right? Absolutely.
lnglatu will never sell you 100000 vats|of tulaberry wine because he can't.
lf he can't, who can? There aren't that many vats|on the planet.
- Then we're finished.
|- Not necessarily.
lf you really want 100000 vats, l can put you in touch|with the right people.
- For a price, of course.
|- Of course.
l always said|you were my favourite Dosi.
Who do we have to see? - The Karemma.
|- Who's the Karemma? - An important power in the Dominion.
|- What's that? lf you want to do business|in the Gamma Quadrant, you have to do business|with the Dominion.
''The most profitable opportunity|in Ferengi history.
'' But Zek didn't mean tulaberries.
|He meant the Dominion.
That's why he sabotaged negotiations.
He wanted to use the Dosi|to get to a member of the Dominion.
- We need to talk.
|- We are talking.
Don't you want to know|why l kissed you? - You never kissed me.
|- Yes, l did.
l don't want to discuss it.
|Let's concentrate on the Dominion.
l wish Zyree had told us more.
Maybe it's some planetary alliance|or trading consortium.
Whatever it is, it's important|and l want a piece of it.
l really wanted those tulaberries.
My trip had nothing to do|with tulaberries.
- l must speak with you, brother.
|- Can't you see l'm busy? Does the word ''Dominion''|mean anything to you? - What have you found out?|- Please, brother, it's urgent.
Most of my information consists|of little more than hints and whispers, but whoever learns the secret|of the Dominion, whatever it may be, will learn the secret|of the Gamma Quadrant.
The Dosi don't know very much.
l hoped they'd lead us|to someone who does.
- What would that be worth?|- A lot.
What if l arranged a meeting between|you and a member of the Dominion? lf you can do that,|you'll earn a percentage of every Ferengi opportunity|in the Gamma Quadrant.
That's a lot of latinum.
Give me a name.
The Karemma.
The Karemma! l always knew you had the lobes|for business.
- Now may l speak with you, brother?|- All right, but make it quick.
That's quite a bump you've got.
- Where's Rom?|- Right here, brother.
Luckily, there's no serious damage.
l'd like to rest here for a few minutes.
- l'll be in the other room.
|- Thank you, Doctor.
- You haven't told anybody, have you?|- You mean about Pel? Not a word.
|l thought you should tell Zek yourself.
- No one will tell Zek anything.
|- But she's a female.
Who wears clothes|and is trying to earn profit.
She even quotes from the sacred|Rules of Acquisition.
- Such a female must be punished.
|- l know that.
- We must stop her.
|- No.
You're scaring me, brother.
Could it be|you have feelings for this woman? Of course not.
|Don't you see? lf Zek learns that l've been deceived|by a female, l'd be ruined.
But if he finds out,|you're certain to be ruined.
You have to tell him.
Or l will.
Let me go.
l have to save you|from yourself.
What about the bar? - You still want it, don't you?|- Don't you? Who needs the bar|when l have the Gamma Quadrant? l'll transfer ownership,|but only on one condition: you never mention the truth|about Pel to anyone.
Pel? What about him? Come.
- Where are your lobes?|- Over there.
Put them on|before somebody sees you.
No one's going to see me.
Put them on.
Now.
|And wrap yourself up.
- Have you finished packing?|- Am l going somewhere? As far from the station|as possible.
- But you need me, Quark.
|- Not any more.
What did you expect?|Look at you.
- You're wearing clothes.
|- ls that a crime? As a matter of fact, it is.
|lt's too risky for you to stay here.
- Take this with you.
|- What is it? Ten bars of latinum.
|To help you start a new life.
lf you're going to pretend you're a man,|take the profit.
This is not about profit any more.
|lt's about love! Spoken like a true female.
l love you, Quark,|and l know you care about me, too.
You'd never be happy|being a Ferengi wife.
Then come with me|to the Gamma Quadrant.
No one there cares if l wear clothes.
l'd care.
Then l guess l'd better start packing.
l guess so.
These flaked blood fleas|are surprisingly succulent.
You should try them, brother.
- l'm not particularly hungry.
|- Let me guess.
Busy thinking about how to spend|that latinum we're going to earn? - l don't blame you.
|- Come.
- You said she left the station!|- l thought she did.
l couldn't leave without saying goodbye|to the Nagus.
l'm glad you did.
l know how you helped|Quark during the negotiations.
l predict a big future for you, Pel.
|You have the lobes for it.
You like my lobes? - Yes, l do.
|- Good.
Then you can have them! lt's a female! - Does this mean l don't get the bar?|- Rom, out! What's going on here? - Leave him out of this.
|- You dare give me orders? - You knew about this all along.
|- Tell me about my big future.
You have no future.
You'll spend|the rest of your life in prison.
No! Taking business advice from a female|is a violation of Ferengi law.
- l didn't know she was a female.
|- Stupidity is no excuse.
One more word from you|and you'll share her cell.
- Make it big enough for three.
|- Are you threatening me? What will your associates say|when l tell them a female represented you|in a business negotiation? - l didn't know she was a female.
|- Stupidity is no excuse.
l see your point.
lt seems that Pel's identity|will have to remain our little secret, - but it's going to cost you.
|- My Gamma Quadrant profits.
l've always said you were|a bright fellow, Quark.
Shame on you! l hope you're satisfied.
l'm sorry.
But when it comes to accumulating|profit, women are as capable as men.
Do me a favour|and don't tell anybody else.
l should go.
l've booked passage|on an Andorian transport.
You could come with me.
- l can't.
|- l know.
l guess if l can't have you, l'll take those ten bars of latinum|after all.
Lieutenant,|ready for another night of tongo? Haven't you lost enough for one day? l'm talking about Pel.
|She came to see me before she left.
l'm going to miss her.
|So are you.
You think l'd let anyone|come between us? Nice try, Quark,|but l know you better than that.
|No sleeping on the Promenade.
Come on, come on, come on.
The risk is to you, Lieutenant.
l could think better|without your hand on my thigh.
How did that get there? What's it going to be?|Confront, evade, acquire, retreat? Confront.
Yes! - Doesn't she ever lose?|- How did you learn to play tongo? Curzon played it all the time.
So it's Curzon whose beating us,|not this female.
- This female is a better player.
|- And a prettier one, too.
Maybe, but l still prefer|a Ferengi female.
One who never wears clothes,|never talks back and never plays tongo! ls that how you prefer your women?|Naked and submissive? - You find such a lifestyle appealing?|- Don't you wish? l do.
l really do.
The opening risk is at five strips|of latinum.
The purchase is three,|the sell is eight.
This isn't the proper time! - l'm trying to concentrate.
|- lt's this insolent waiter's fault.
- l think you should try this.
|- What is it? A way to double profits.
- He immediately reached for his drink!|- So l did.
You don't realise you're thirsty.
|What are they? Gramilian sand peas.
They inhibit|the secretion of the salivary glands while drying out the tissues|of the tongue.
lt works every time.
lf you replace your dishes|of lokar beans with these, your customers' glasses|will never be empty.
- What's your name again?|- Pel.
What do you think about my idea? l agree with the 59th Rule.
|''Free advice is seldom cheap''.
But the 22nd rule says, ''A wise man|can hear profit in the wind''.
- l see you know your rules.
|- All 285 of them.
The commentaries on them, as well.
|l don't plan on being a waiter forever.
- Good, then you're fired.
|- Shut up, Rom.
When it comes to business,|my brother has the lobes of a female.
What made you take a job here|at the station? l wanted to learn from the very best.
Which brings to mind the 33rd rule: ''lt never hurts to suck up to the boss''.
The Grand Nagus Zek's|personal subspace frequency.
l wonder what he wants.
Why look so surprised?|l told you l'd be back.
- l looked forward to your return.
|- Still the perfect toady, Quark? - l try to be.
|- Listen carefully.
The Ferengi expansion into|the Gamma Quadrant is about to begin.
l'd like you to be my chief negotiator.
- Me?|- That's right.
lt's an opportunity to make more profit|than you ever dreamed of.
All you have to do is earn it.
Some Hupyrian beetle snuff? l don't think so.
Suit yourself.
More for me.
Little late, aren't we? You wanted to see me? You're planning a business conference|at the station? With the Dosi,|a race from the Gamma Quadrant.
A profitable opportunity|for all concerned.
For the Ferengi.
Are you implying something, Major? Not at all.
The Ferengi reputation speaks for itself.
A reputation for honesty and decency|and reliability.
You always know what to expect|when you do business with a Ferengi.
Which you don't if you're smart.
- You've made your point, Major.
|- As misinformed as it may be.
Besides, how we do business|is no concern of yours.
Unless you conduct it here.
ln other words, Zek, if you hold your negotiations here and you cheat the Dosi, you'll never set foot|on this station again.
Did anyone ever tell you|your eyes shine with the brilliance|of Kibberian fire diamonds? - Not that l recall.
|- Well, they do.
So, tell me, Major.
Could Bajor use 50000 kilos|of brizeen nitrate? Of course we could.
We could fertilise|the entire northern peninsula.
l've come into possession|of 50000 kilos of brizeen nitrate.
To show you how much|your co-operation means to me, l'll let you have the entire shipment.
The Dosi must still be fairly treated|while they're here.
- You have my word.
|- Good.
Then it's settled.
|Let's see.
You said you were giving it to them.
You're right, Commander.
|We're all friends here.
- l'll let you have it at cost.
|- l have a better idea.
Why not consider the nitrate|as a gift to the people of Bajor? That doesn't sound very profitable.
- lt depends.
|- On what? On whether you want to conduct|business here or not.
Your negotiating skills|aren't bad for a human.
Your nitrate will be delivered promptly.
Anything else you need,|come see me personally.
l've been involved in some|very profitable opportunities in my time, but my lobes are telling me|that this may be the most profitable opportunity|in Ferengi history.
And part of those profits will be mine.
Profit, fame, power.
|As much as you want.
Tell me, Nagus,|what exactly is this great opportunity? l can sum it up in one word:|tulaberries.
- Tulaberries?|- Exactly.
They're the main ingredient|in tulaberry wine.
Your job will be to purchase|10000 vats from the Dosi.
Within a year,|we'll have made tulaberry wine the most popular drink in their entire|sector.
That's enough! l like it.
Very distinguished.
How will tulaberries be the most|profitable opportunity in history? - Do l have to spell it out for you?|- lf you don't mind.
They'll establish a Ferengi presence|inside the Gamma Quadrant.
Once we get our foot in the door they'll never get it out.
Yes, l see.
Tulaberries, Quark.
|Tulaberries.
Tulaberries.
- l wonder what they taste like.
|- Who cares? They'll get a Ferengi foot|in the Gamma Quadrant door.
lt'll be your foot, brother.
l'm going to make history, Rom,|and l'm going to be rich.
l have the Grand Nagus to thank for it.
|He must really like me.
Just remember one thing: ''The bigger|the smile, the sharper the knife''.
- 48th Rule of Acquisition.
|- l warned you about that fellow.
Do you mind telling me|what you meant? Why did the Nagus put you in charge|of such a lucrative opportunity? He knows l have the lobes|for business.
l won't have my brother insulted.
|You're fired.
Shut up! Go on.
lf the negotiations are profitable,|the Nagus is a hero.
lf they fail, he'll need someone|to take the blame.
All l'm saying is be careful.
Ridiculous lies!|He's jealous of your success.
lf something goes wrong,|it'll be my fault.
- Then you'll need help, brother.
|- Yes.
- Someone to serve as your consultant.
|- Yes.
- Someone like me.
|- No.
l've been thinking about what you said.
l could use some help|during these negotiations.
l accept.
|Then we're partners.
Not quite.
l don't need a partner.
|l need an assistant.
- l get 25%.
|- 15.
- 20.
|- Done.
Brother, what can l do to help? You want to help?|Table six is waiting.
- How do l look?|- Nervous.
What have l got to be nervous about? Zek should be nervous|with Quark as his chief negotiator.
lf you ever do that again lf you do that again,|l'll stick that brizeen right up your - Here they come!|- Whoa! Don't worry.
|Just a minor disagreement.
So ercan l get anyone|something to eat? All right.
Ermlet's go over our offer.
The Ferengi are interested in buying|10000 vats of tulaberry wine.
ln exchange, the Dosi will receive|a very fair trade package.
There are interesting items on that list.
|A subspace field modulator - We'll give you 5000 vats.
|- l'm afraid that won't be enough.
Our vast distribution network|in the Gamma Quadrant will need 10000 vats.
l'm offering you 5000 vats.
|l suggest you take it.
The Nagus will never agree.
This is a waste of time.
|We should be talking directly to Zek.
Why do you bother talking|to this insignificance? See what you've done?|You've made me look foolish.
- l didn't mean to.
|- Then bring us Zek.
The Nagus asked Quark|to represent him.
Are you implying that Zek is|too important to negotiate with us? Because if we kill you Zek will have to talk to us.
You want to do business|with the Ferengi, you talk to Quark.
How about it?|Do we say 10000 vats? We'll think about it.
Can l help you? What is it? - lt's beautiful.
|- lt's latinum.
l really can't accept this.
Did Zek think this would get him|anywhere? lt doesn't stop a Ferengi from trying.
- You sound like you admire them.
|- l suppose in a way l do.
l don't understand your attitude|about the Ferengi.
You don't socialise with them|the way l do.
l can't think of a single race|l've enjoyed more.
Did anyone ever tell you|you have very strange taste? l admit they crave profit and their behaviour towards women|is primitive.
They're greedy, untrustworthy trolls.
|l wouldn't turn my back on one of them.
Neither would l.
But once you|accept that, they can be a lot of fun.
Evade.
- Evade.
|- Retreat.
- Acquire.
|- Confront.
Did l say ''acquire''?|l meant ''evade''.
- You said ''acquire''.
|- l meant ''evade''.
- Let's play the round over.
|- That's fair.
Who asked you? And shouldn't you be|plotting strategy for the negotiations? - l've thought of nothing else.
|- That's why you're losing.
l think by tomorrow,|we should have an agreement.
l'm not sure they'll even agree|to sell us 10000.
Do as l say or l'll take over|the negotiations.
l think raising the stakes|is a brilliant idea.
lt'll show we mean business.
|No wonder Quark says you're a genius.
- He says that, does he?|- All the time.
Very touching.
|Now bring me some fresh tube grubs.
Right away.
l believe the next challenge|goes to you.
l think l'll pass on this round.
Such loyalty must be expensive.
- You can't buy that kind of loyalty.
|- You can where l come from.
- ls the Nagus always this impatient?|- He wants results.
But he's not making my job any easier.
You'll get them.
You're good.
And with me helping you,|you're even better.
Why are you being so nice to me? For 20% of your profits.
|Why else? - Fair enough.
|- Quark, where are my grubs? Coming! This is what l call fresh.
- The Replimat has a Ferengi menu?|- No, l like to try new things.
That's unusual for a Ferengi.
- l never heard of a Trill playing tongo.
|- That makes us both unusual.
l was impressed by your show of loyalty|to Quark last night.
He deserves it.
Another Ferengi would have let Zek|pick him to pieces.
But you're not like|any other Ferengi l've ever met.
Quark really likes you.
|He talks about you all the time.
He once convinced me|to go up to a holosuite with him.
He recreated the bedroom|l slept in as a child.
Most of the details were wrong,|but it was a sweet gesture - until he tried to kiss me.
|- That sounds like Quark.
l don't care what anybody says.
|l love him.
- So do l.
|- You really do, don't you? l've seen the way you look at him.
Keep your voice down.
|He doesn't even know l'm a female.
- You're a woman?|- Please lower your voice.
l knew you were different.
- l've never met a Ferengi woman.
|- You probably never will again.
Women can't leave the house|or wear clothes - And you wanted more.
|- Why not? l'm as smart as any man.
l made myself a pair of lobes|and became one.
Why come here? To acquire profit, of course.
|There's one thing l wasn't counting on.
Falling in love with Quark.
- What do you think l should do?|- l don't know.
But l do know there's more to life|than profit.
Pel, it's time.
We don't want|to keep the Dosi waiting.
Hurry.
Ooh! Excuse me.
Did the shipment of brizeen nitrate|arrive on time? - Yes, it did.
|- And here you are to thank me.
Have a seat.
- l stopped by to return this.
|- ls something wrong with it? lt's lovely.
|l just can't accept it.
Then l suppose a night of wild romance|is out of the question? - That's right.
|- Just thought l'd ask.
Dax must be crazy.
Nice view, isn't it? The negotiations are already over?|Let's see the contract.
- There is no contract.
|- No contract? You offered to buy 100000 vats,|didn't you? That's when they left.
|The station.
- l begged them to stay.
|- This is a complete catastrophe! This was your big chance|and you blew it! You may have harmed Ferengi|opportunities in the Gamma Quadrant! We said we'd get you the tulaberries|and that's what we're going to do.
We'll travel to the Gamma Quadrant|and get the Dosi to sign the contract.
How do you plan to get there? - We'll take your ship.
|- My ship? l suppose you expect Maihar'du|to pilot it for you.
l can pilot the ship.
lt's up to you.
|Do you want the tulaberries or not? All right.
You can use my ship,|but l'm warning you, Quark: get the Dosi to sign that contract or you'll be tending that worthless|little bar for the rest of your life! l've waited my whole life|for an opportunity like this.
So have l.
- lt hasn't turned out how l planned.
|- lt's not over yet.
l still don't understand why the Nagus|is insisting on 100000 vats.
Neither do l.
You think he's trying to sabotage|the negotiation? - Why would he?|- l have no idea.
He knows more than he's letting on.
- About what?|- Everything.
The tulaberries, the Dosi,|the Gamma Quadrant.
lf you figure out what he's up to,|tell me.
Don't worry, l will.
The only thing l've done right|is pick you as my consultant.
l'm glad you feel that way.
lf we can only make some profit.
Quark, there's something|you should know.
l know what you're going to say.
|lt's no secret.
You've been a great help,|but you agreed to a 20% share - and that's all you're going to get.
|- l see.
''Never place friendship above profit.
'' - 21 st Rule of Acquisition.
|- l'm glad you agree.
Go, just go! - Feeling a little overwhelmed?|- l'm glad someone notices.
- When's Quark due back?|- How should l know? He doesn't even bother to insult|me any more.
lt's Pel, that flabby-eared interloper.
|He's stealing my brother's affections.
You're better off.
Would you let someone|steal your brother? l don't have a brother.
|Not that l know of.
But if you did? l suppose if l did have a brother, even one as worthless as Quark, l wouldn't let anyone come between us.
There must be something here|l could use against him.
l want to supervise all operations.
- That's ridiculous.
|- Then find another partner.
l said no! Are you enjoying yourselves,|little Ferengi? - How could we not?|- What is this place, Zyree? This is where opportunities are made.
- l thought it was a party.
|- This is all about profit.
Like the Ferengi, the Dosi are|very serious when it comes to profit.
You.
Take him away.
Very serious.
Look who finally showed up.
lt's about time.
- Where are you going?|- To get serious about profit.
lt's you, Ferengi.
Aren't you|on the wrong side of the wormhole? lt certainly feels that way.
l need your thumbscan on this lucrative|contract and l can go home.
You had your chance.
- Go away!|- Not until we finish our discussion.
You are starting to annoy me.
Sorry.
l should have killed you|on that station.
You didn't because you recognise|a good opportunity when you see one.
Just put your thumbscan here.
You can have the 10000 vats.
- 100000.
|- That's impossible! - l'm not leaving till l get it.
|- Fine.
Then stay.
We'd be more comfortable|on the ship.
l want to be here in case|lnglatu changes his mind.
- Wait!|- What is it? - The mattress!|- What about it? - lt looks lumpy.
|- lt's very comfortable.
- l can't sleep on a lumpy mattress.
|- Try it for yourself.
- What side do you want?|- What are you doing? - Getting undressed.
|- You're going to sleep? l'm tired.
Shouldn't we discuss|rules of strategy? There's nothing to discuss.
You know what|the 103rd Rule of Acquisition says.
- ''Sleep can interfere''|- l don't care! - Wait!|- What is it now? - First a toast.
|- To what? - To profit, of course.
|- Of course.
- lt's warm in here.
|- lt must be the wine.
l hope so.
l was impressed with the way|you handled lnglatu.
l was good, wasn't l? - Let's get to bed.
|- Wait! The look on his face|when you knocked over the barrel.
That was risky.
''The riskier the road,|the greater the profit.
'' - You really know your rules.
|- And you have a very nice smile.
l do? Quark, l have something to tell you.
- l'm not interrupting anything?|- No, definitely not! - Are you sure?|- Positive! - l'll come back tomorrow.
|- Wait! - This is a misunderstanding.
|- You seem to be busy.
Busy? Don't be ridiculous.
We can't wait to hear|what you have to say.
We could use the company.
|lsn't that right? Absolutely.
lnglatu will never sell you 100000 vats|of tulaberry wine because he can't.
lf he can't, who can? There aren't that many vats|on the planet.
- Then we're finished.
|- Not necessarily.
lf you really want 100000 vats, l can put you in touch|with the right people.
- For a price, of course.
|- Of course.
l always said|you were my favourite Dosi.
Who do we have to see? - The Karemma.
|- Who's the Karemma? - An important power in the Dominion.
|- What's that? lf you want to do business|in the Gamma Quadrant, you have to do business|with the Dominion.
''The most profitable opportunity|in Ferengi history.
'' But Zek didn't mean tulaberries.
|He meant the Dominion.
That's why he sabotaged negotiations.
He wanted to use the Dosi|to get to a member of the Dominion.
- We need to talk.
|- We are talking.
Don't you want to know|why l kissed you? - You never kissed me.
|- Yes, l did.
l don't want to discuss it.
|Let's concentrate on the Dominion.
l wish Zyree had told us more.
Maybe it's some planetary alliance|or trading consortium.
Whatever it is, it's important|and l want a piece of it.
l really wanted those tulaberries.
My trip had nothing to do|with tulaberries.
- l must speak with you, brother.
|- Can't you see l'm busy? Does the word ''Dominion''|mean anything to you? - What have you found out?|- Please, brother, it's urgent.
Most of my information consists|of little more than hints and whispers, but whoever learns the secret|of the Dominion, whatever it may be, will learn the secret|of the Gamma Quadrant.
The Dosi don't know very much.
l hoped they'd lead us|to someone who does.
- What would that be worth?|- A lot.
What if l arranged a meeting between|you and a member of the Dominion? lf you can do that,|you'll earn a percentage of every Ferengi opportunity|in the Gamma Quadrant.
That's a lot of latinum.
Give me a name.
The Karemma.
The Karemma! l always knew you had the lobes|for business.
- Now may l speak with you, brother?|- All right, but make it quick.
That's quite a bump you've got.
- Where's Rom?|- Right here, brother.
Luckily, there's no serious damage.
l'd like to rest here for a few minutes.
- l'll be in the other room.
|- Thank you, Doctor.
- You haven't told anybody, have you?|- You mean about Pel? Not a word.
|l thought you should tell Zek yourself.
- No one will tell Zek anything.
|- But she's a female.
Who wears clothes|and is trying to earn profit.
She even quotes from the sacred|Rules of Acquisition.
- Such a female must be punished.
|- l know that.
- We must stop her.
|- No.
You're scaring me, brother.
Could it be|you have feelings for this woman? Of course not.
|Don't you see? lf Zek learns that l've been deceived|by a female, l'd be ruined.
But if he finds out,|you're certain to be ruined.
You have to tell him.
Or l will.
Let me go.
l have to save you|from yourself.
What about the bar? - You still want it, don't you?|- Don't you? Who needs the bar|when l have the Gamma Quadrant? l'll transfer ownership,|but only on one condition: you never mention the truth|about Pel to anyone.
Pel? What about him? Come.
- Where are your lobes?|- Over there.
Put them on|before somebody sees you.
No one's going to see me.
Put them on.
Now.
|And wrap yourself up.
- Have you finished packing?|- Am l going somewhere? As far from the station|as possible.
- But you need me, Quark.
|- Not any more.
What did you expect?|Look at you.
- You're wearing clothes.
|- ls that a crime? As a matter of fact, it is.
|lt's too risky for you to stay here.
- Take this with you.
|- What is it? Ten bars of latinum.
|To help you start a new life.
lf you're going to pretend you're a man,|take the profit.
This is not about profit any more.
|lt's about love! Spoken like a true female.
l love you, Quark,|and l know you care about me, too.
You'd never be happy|being a Ferengi wife.
Then come with me|to the Gamma Quadrant.
No one there cares if l wear clothes.
l'd care.
Then l guess l'd better start packing.
l guess so.
These flaked blood fleas|are surprisingly succulent.
You should try them, brother.
- l'm not particularly hungry.
|- Let me guess.
Busy thinking about how to spend|that latinum we're going to earn? - l don't blame you.
|- Come.
- You said she left the station!|- l thought she did.
l couldn't leave without saying goodbye|to the Nagus.
l'm glad you did.
l know how you helped|Quark during the negotiations.
l predict a big future for you, Pel.
|You have the lobes for it.
You like my lobes? - Yes, l do.
|- Good.
Then you can have them! lt's a female! - Does this mean l don't get the bar?|- Rom, out! What's going on here? - Leave him out of this.
|- You dare give me orders? - You knew about this all along.
|- Tell me about my big future.
You have no future.
You'll spend|the rest of your life in prison.
No! Taking business advice from a female|is a violation of Ferengi law.
- l didn't know she was a female.
|- Stupidity is no excuse.
One more word from you|and you'll share her cell.
- Make it big enough for three.
|- Are you threatening me? What will your associates say|when l tell them a female represented you|in a business negotiation? - l didn't know she was a female.
|- Stupidity is no excuse.
l see your point.
lt seems that Pel's identity|will have to remain our little secret, - but it's going to cost you.
|- My Gamma Quadrant profits.
l've always said you were|a bright fellow, Quark.
Shame on you! l hope you're satisfied.
l'm sorry.
But when it comes to accumulating|profit, women are as capable as men.
Do me a favour|and don't tell anybody else.
l should go.
l've booked passage|on an Andorian transport.
You could come with me.
- l can't.
|- l know.
l guess if l can't have you, l'll take those ten bars of latinum|after all.
Lieutenant,|ready for another night of tongo? Haven't you lost enough for one day? l'm talking about Pel.
|She came to see me before she left.
l'm going to miss her.
|So are you.
You think l'd let anyone|come between us? Nice try, Quark,|but l know you better than that.