Teachers (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Okay, party people.
Chelsea will be here any second.
Does anyone want to help me? I'd help, but I don't want to.
[gasps.]
Here she comes! Hit the deck! [grunts.]
Happy birthday! [shrieks.]
Is it my birthday? I totally forgot.
[gasps.]
- Happy birthday, Chelsea.
- Happy birthday, Chelsea.
- Happy birthday, Chels.
- Happy birthday.
Aww.
A homemade card from five adults.
How thoughtful.
There's a $30 Hollister gift card in there.
[gasps.]
In that case, I will keep it.
[laughs.]
I've got loads of neat-o birthday surprises set up throughout the day.
But first, make a wish.
What does someone wish for who has everything? Aren't you still a size 4? Eat my [bleep.]
, Deb.
[whispers.]
Please make me a size 2.
[blows, laughs.]
I'm not gonna eat that, though.
Okay, I didn't plan on it.
[rock music.]
- Oh, my God! - [rhythmic beeping.]
How did this happen? This is the end of days.
[beeping.]
I can't teach a lesson on Colonial America without handouts.
I'm good, but I'm not God.
I'm teaching vocabulary today.
What am I supposed to do? Write 25 words on the whiteboard? Have all the kids take out paper? Pencils? Have them copy all the words from the whiteboard? Erase the whiteboard? This is insane! Is there a manual? [manual thuds.]
Yep.
We [bleep.]
.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Ms.
Snap is the prettiest teacher, much prettier than any of you.
We celebrate her today as one of the greats.
Anyone would be lucky to have her skinny traits.
Happy birthday, Ms.
Snap.
I am so touched that you wrote that.
You said it was 25% of our writing grade.
You can sit down now, Danielle.
How old are you turning, Ms.
Snap? Oh, how old do you think I am? 60? [laughs.]
Very funny, Kyle.
She's not 60.
Thank you, Danielle.
Her skin just looks old 'cause she has lots of sun damage.
She's probably 40.
Wait, what? I think she's 48.
That's how old my Aunt Kim is.
She wears the same clothes as Ms.
Snap.
She calls them her truck stop dresses.
Okay, what is going on right now? Is this some sick joke? I'm telling you, she's 60.
Look at the neck.
It's like a tree.
Each ring is a year.
One, two That is it.
No one is gonna have recess today.
Everyone take out your workbooks! [gasps.]
Wait.
Why does it say you're 31? Because that's how old I am, Tina! Since Ms.
Watson couldn't make copies today, we're all going to take turns looking at this vocabulary list, learn what we can, and then pass it on, okay? Why don't you just write the words on the whiteboard? Did your mother drive you to school this morning in a horse and buggy? No.
Then don't expect me to write on a whiteboard.
Read it and pass it on, Marco.
"Press the release lever.
Adjust the side fences to the paper size.
" Okay.
Now, does anyone know what that means? Hmm? Why are we reading the "Kopy King User Guide" instead of "Shiloh"? Because we're trying to find out what's happens to Mr.
Copier.
Ooh.
[light jazzy music.]
Hey, why don't we [exhales sharply.]
Yeah, I got nothing.
Thanks for sharing that cool pigeon feather, Tracy.
It really opened up a neat discussion about disease.
Okay! Blake.
What did you bring for show-and-tell today? Uh, well, you told me to bring my dad.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Nope.
So, uh [chuckles.]
I guess that's my cue.
Ms.
Bennigan.
Okay, everyone.
I am Blake's dad.
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to show [laughing.]
Or tell Uh, but does anyone have any questions for me? Yes.
You're a dad.
Why aren't you at work? I'm a stay-at-home dad.
That's not a real job.
[chuckles.]
Well, actually it is.
Uh, being a stay-at-home parent is one of the toughest jobs that there is, after being a teacher, of course.
[gasps.]
But that's not all that I do.
How I actually earn my living is by running a nonprofit animal rescue out of my house.
[whispers.]
Hot Animal Rescuer.
There are doors within doors.
This is some straight-up Narnia shit.
My kids thinks I'm 60.
Can you believe it? In the right overalls, I can still buy a child's movie ticket.
Don't let them get you down.
Kids lack perspective.
Today I had a student tell me I look like Fantine from "Les Mis.
" [chuckles.]
Chelsea, you've got nothing to worry about.
You look exactly your age.
That is literally the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[sighs.]
On the bright side, at least I'm younger than all you hos.
[chuckles.]
Wait, Cecelia, how old are you? - Caroline? - 29.
- Feldman? - 25.
- Mary Louise? - Please don't make me say it.
- Mary Louise? - 24.
I'm so sorry, Chelsea.
I wish I'd never been born.
Okay.
[laughs.]
You have to be older than me.
You're so bitter.
Just wait until I'm your age.
Oh, my God.
When did I become the old guy with goggles from 'NSYNC? You.
I have to be younger than you.
You got me, bitch.
I'm 56.
Oh, thank God.
I wouldn't get so excited.
You're the one with a chin hair hanging off your face.
[dramatic music.]
[gasps.]
And that's not the only place you'll get them.
Welcome to the dark side.
You're another year older Not now, Josiah! [sobbing.]
- Get out of my way.
- I'm getting that DVD player.
- Like hell you are! - Feldman, no! Seriously, I need that DVD player! Aww.
You snooze you lose.
Great.
What are we supposed to do now? [cart clattering.]
[dramatic musical flourish.]
both: Art! Cecelia! I need to talk to you! No, I need to talk to you! Come on! I'll buy you kale chips! I'll start recycling! Sorry I'm early, but I need a place to hide.
[harp glissando.]
[exotic percussive music.]
What happened to you? Nothing.
I just picked up a few things at the mall over lunch.
Look, I know turning 31 is wigging you out, but I think you're overcompensating a little.
No, I'm not.
My looks are my everything, and it has recently come to my attention that I'm a fugly old hag.
Outer beauty is fleeting, Chelsea.
There's so much more to life.
Oh, my God.
That is what they say to ugly people.
And everything I want in life requires me to be young and hot.
Like what? Like getting on a reality show before I start looking like Mickey Rourke! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! That again! [screams.]
[screaming.]
That was a great show-and-tell.
I didn't talk about the stay-at-home parent thing too much? No.
I think you're doing a great job juggling so many things.
You're like the Ryan Seacrest of dads.
[chuckles.]
Thanks.
Although it sounds like someone deserves a night off.
Well, easier said than done.
I was hoping to go to this free EMT course tonight, but my babysitter just fell through.
I can babysit.
Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.
I don't mind.
Are you sure? You don't have other plans? No.
I have nothing.
Nothing is going on tonight.
It's not like it's my best friend's birthday or anything.
And even if it was, who cares about her? [laughing.]
[rock music.]
Why aren't we doing math? Because my reality TV clock is ticking.
Now send in that "Redneck Island" application.
[gasps.]
And tell them I don't know who my dad is.
[tablet beeps.]
It's not letting me submit the application.
Why not? It says you exceed the age limit.
- [tablet beeps.]
- Mine says you're too old too.
Well, they can't all say that.
The "Rich Kids of Beverly Hills" says no, but the E! Channel wants you for something else.
Yes! What is it? "Botched.
" "Botched"? "Botched" is a show about botched plastic surgery, Kyle! Do I look botched to you? Don't answer that! Okay, everyone take out your tabloids and silent read.
[harp glissando.]
Ahh! [copier beeps and whirs.]
- [beeping.]
- No, no, no, no, no! How can there be a paper jam if there's no paper, huh? You're ruining our lives, you piece of shit! Oh, my God! I am too rich for this! [shredder whirring.]
What are you doing? Shredding my dreams.
Chelsea, one of the great things about getting older is you don't have to focus so much on your looks.
Now it's all about your personality.
I would rather fill my pockets with stones and walk into Lake Michigan.
Chelsea! - Guess what.
- What? I'm going over to Hot Dad's tonight! - Wait, what? - Really? Yeah, I'm going over to his house - to babysit.
- [sighs.]
This could be the first day of the rest of my life.
"How'd y'all meet?" "Oh, I don't know, babysitting.
" [chuckles.]
Mary Louise, he's not going to be there.
You're babysitting.
Maybe if you show up looking hot, you can get him to stay home.
It could work.
[voice breaking.]
You're still young.
Oh, my stars.
[gasps.]
This could be it.
I have the perfect outfit.
[laughs.]
Thanks, gals! Have fun! It's not like it's my birthday or anything.
- [shredder whirring.]
- [gasps.]
My hair! My hair! Oh, it's eating my hair! - Oh, my God! - It's eating me! - Wait! No talking! - My $15 hair extensions! [screams.]
[sighing.]
That was close.
What? Okay, don't freak out.
This happened to my Samantha American Girl doll once, and I can totally fix it.
[gasps.]
I have mom hair? Stop staring at me, Feldman.
Sorry, Mom ma'am Chelsea.
Cheer up.
We all made casseroles for your birthday.
Your hair doesn't look so bad.
I like how spiky it is.
I look like Rod Stewart.
Here.
Have some sweet potato casserole.
It always lifted my spirits on the overcast days when we summered in Nantucket.
[sniffs.]
Oh, this smells like a fart.
You know what would lift my spirits? If we got that piece of crap copier fixed.
It's not that big of a deal.
Oh, you love that it's broken! It's the first time in your miserable career as an art teacher that any of us have actually wanted you in our classrooms.
You probably broke it.
[all gasp.]
Oh, really? It's funny you should say that, considering I saw you leaving the copy room yesterday at the end of the day.
[all gasp.]
So? Feldman was the first one at the copier this morning.
[all gasp.]
Was I? 'Cause when I got there, the copier was already warm and the smell of Ralph "Lau-ren" Midnight Romance was mad intense.
[all gasp.]
Okay, first of all, it's Ralph "Lauren," you be-atch.
Shut up! Shut up! Do you people realize how old you sound? You are arguing about a copier at a casserole party! This isn't a nursing home.
We should all be drunk singing Selena Gomez in an abandoned warehouse rolling on molly! Who's with me? You guys are seriously gonna hold a grudge over a copier? Okay, drop the tudes, and let's have fun.
Because I need to feel young now! I think I've got something.
[crowd cheering.]
[techno music.]
Whoo! What's up? So how do you know these people, Feldman? Well, two of my four roomies are still in college.
'Sup, Poopy? 'Sup, Sock? 'Sup? How are these college students? They look so young.
And where are their clothes? I swear I saw a girl who was just wearing Band-Aids on her bosom.
Who cares? Remember, we're all having fun, so blend in.
Party time! Whoo! [laughs.]
Hello, boys! Ahoy, matey! Permission to come aboard? Oh.
Permission granted.
[chuckles.]
[whispers.]
And I'm in.
Feel free to kick back and relax.
My house is your house.
Which would make it our house.
[chuckles.]
Okay.
Well, uh, I should get going.
You don't want to stay? Well, I'm going to my EMT class? [chuckles.]
Right.
[chuckles.]
Oh, I ordered a pizza for you guys.
Pizza, pizza.
Right.
Well, I will see you later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[dreamy music.]
Hot Family.
What are you doing? Ho! Hey, Blake-o.
Want to watch a movie? Women's studies major, huh? That's cool.
I found college to be a very experimental time.
All right, the name of the game is Edward Fortyhands.
You don't stop until it's all gone.
And vomiting isn't considered a disqualification.
Wait.
What if I have to pee? [all chanting "Chug!".]
[gritty electronic music.]
Excuse me! Can you please play "Mambo Number 5"? What? What? This is crazy.
She's gonna realize the man she's em is trying to close her bookshop.
[door squeaks.]
Holy macaroni! You came back.
Yeah, I didn't wind up going to my EMT class.
I saw a mother duck and her ducklings stranded in the street, so I had to stop and guide them back to the river.
- Lucky duckies.
- [chuckles.]
Well, I should probably pack up my things and go.
Well, why don't you stay? You already drove all this way.
Plus, the pizza hasn't even come yet.
Really? You want me to stay? Sure, it'll be fun.
Right, Blake? - No.
- Great.
Oh, this is my favorite part.
[gritty electronic music.]
Whoo-hoo-hoo! I love this song! Yes! [thuds.]
"Mambo Number 5!" Lou Bega! Hello! Check your CDs! [indistinct chatter.]
Just so you know, I'm bi.
How do you identify? Well, my gender identity is cis-woman.
My gender expression is androgynous.
Biologically assigned sex is female, and sexual orientation is tri-sexual.
And I'm interested in mild domination and bondage.
Wow.
I have never felt so unevolved.
Blake is out like a light.
I'm really happy that you stayed tonight.
Me too.
Can I ask you a question? Of course.
Did you ask Blake to bring me to show-and-tell today? Yes.
No.
Maybe.
Did I? I don't know.
I did.
- I did.
I just lied.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I'm glad that you did.
[sighs.]
[dreamy music.]
[gritty electronic music.]
Whoo! Party! Whoo! We look so good! [laughing.]
Whoo! Whoo! - Holy shit! - [men groaning.]
You've got a hair growing out of your nipple.
Oh, my God.
- [bullhorn blips.]
- Okay, party's over! [whispers.]
5-0! Everyone outside with your ID! - Let's go.
- All right, IDs out.
Let me see 'em.
- [bullhorn blips.]
- Go home.
[amplified.]
Not you, ma'am.
[melancholy piano music.]
[dreamy music.]
Hey.
Mary Louise? [chuckles.]
You're awake.
Are you okay? You fainted.
Hmm? [gasping and grunting.]
- What are you doing? - I gotta skedaddle.
No, no, no.
You don't have to go.
Bye! [smack.]
[thud.]
[gasps.]
I have something to tell you guys.
I'm the one who broke the copier.
I jammed it while I was trying to print flyers for the pagan pride parade.
[laughs.]
Dude, we're all hammered, and no one cares anymore.
Plus, Poopy just hooked me up for the Kanye Western mixer.
Who's in? - Me! - Yeah! Chelsea? I don't think so.
This day was a disaster.
It's 8:45, my feet hurt, and I just want to go home.
Plus, I gotta pluck my nipples.
You sure, dog? Go.
Enjoy yourselves.
[light jazzy music.]
You guys know who Lou Bega is, right? I don't remember hangovers hurting this much.
[moaning.]
You look refreshed.
How was the rest of your night? Great.
I watched trash TV, judged ugly babies on Facebook, and was in bed by 10:30.
I think I'm finally comfortable with being in my 30s.
Aww.
Good for you, dude.
Does this mean you're gonna keep the hair? No.
I'm getting extensions put in tomorrow.
I need a bangin' do for my hot bod.
I just went to make copies, and the copier is missing.
Does anybody know where it is? [suspenseful flute music.]
all: Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up! It's bobsled time! I'm good.
All: Yeah!