Ted Lasso (2020) s02e07 Episode Script
Headspace
- Hey, babe.
- Hi, babe.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oi! You're not going to your office? No.
I was just gonna go to the café and get a cup of tea first.
Cool.
Can I come? Yeah, course.
Sweet.
That's right.
Make another useless policy you're gonna backtrack on in a week.
Idiots.
Talking to the newspapers again, sweetheart? Let me know if they ever talk back.
Hello, hello.
Hey, Mom.
- Hi, darling.
- Got you these.
There you go.
Thank you.
What's the occasion? Nothing.
You know, just an ordinary day.
Hey.
Look at that.
That's a good one, that.
Hey, Dad.
Nathan.
Would you look at that.
They'll let anyone in the newspapers nowadays, won't they? They say humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking about yourself less.
My little boy wonder.
Yeah, sorry, Mom, but it's Wonder Kid.
Wunderkind, actually, is what I think I said.
But I just⦠didn't⦠- Hey, Doc.
- Hi, Ted.
Come in.
Yeah, okay.
I wanted to thank you again for helping me out with that little hiccup the other night.
I'm actually feeling better, so I don't know if this is necessary, really.
Make yourself comfortable.
Okay.
Let me sit.
I can sit here.
It's noisy.
Yes.
You know what? Hey, I'll, you know, go on the couch.
Here we go.
How about that? Hey, who am I? Don Draper, right? Yeah.
Isn't that a little formal? I don't wanna put my shoes on there.
You know what? I'll lay down, right? Here we go.
I'll just pop my feet up here.
Like this, you know? Like a couple kids on their top bunk on camp-- I don't know what to do with my arm.
It feels⦠Here.
Here we go.
This is what we'll do.
We'll go just classic, how you see, like, in New Yorker cartoons.
Right? Know what? I'll put this under here to help even out my spine.
Then-- Yeah, that feels nice.
Okay.
Now, what do I do here? Do I just-- No, that's like⦠Like I'm going down a water slide or something like that.
Like a luge.
That's a little too "casket-y," isn't it? Okay.
How about-- Here, let's do this.
All right, how's this? This good? Probably sitting is best.
Sure.
That's good.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, there we go.
There you are.
Quite intimate here, you know? Close.
Close quarters.
It's like we're on a episode of The Sopranos, without all the gratuitous violence, which is a good thing.
But a lot less spaghetti and clams too, which is a bad thing.
So⦠Hey, who's this guy? What's his story? You good, buddy? Yeah? Okay, good.
Very agreeable fella, you know? Just doin' his thing.
- You got tissues over there, huh? - Yes, tissues.
Yeah.
What are those for? Sometimes it gets a bit emotional in here.
- Not always, but sometimes.
- Yep, yep, yep.
Sometimes people just sneeze.
Yeah.
Yeah, they do.
Well, we both agree with you.
Yeah.
Yeah, my hay fever's been pretty good over here.
Must be a low pollen count in the UK, so⦠Okay.
All right.
Well, when do we start? We've already started.
- We started when you entered in here.
- What? Shoot! Well, I'm sorry.
I feel like I've wasted a bunch of time already, with all of the couch shenanigans and noticing your accoutrements.
- It's-- - Ted.
Yeah? Don't worry.
Yeah.
No, of course.
I'm not worried at all.
Yeah.
Okay.
What-- I mean, what do you wanna talk about? Why don't you tell me what happened the other night? Yeah.
I don't wanna do this.
All right, come on! Come here, come here, come here, come here.
All right, fellas.
Look, there are two things you can't ever let the other team know, all right? The first one's your home address.
Mark my words.
You'll start having food deliveries and SWAT teams showing up 24-7, which is nuts, 'cause in my day, all we had to worry about was crank phone calls.
Then, with the advent of caller ID, that joy got 86'd from the prank menu, which is a darn shame, 'cause the Jerky Boys were a national treasure.
Y'all should give them a google sometime.
But I digress.
The second thing that you don't want your opponent to know is that you're tired.
Okay, look, I know y'all are exhausted.
I get it.
But I don't want you to show it.
I don't wanna see y'all walking around with your tired faces, all⦠Okay? Just huffing and puffing around the pitch.
Uh-uh.
No, thank you.
The only face I wanna see from y'all is, what, Coach? - Game face, baby! - Darn tootin', Vladimir Putin.
Right.
- Y'all feel me? - Yes, Coach! Good.
Okay, good.
Now, hop up there.
Okay.
Offense, y'all gonna stick around here with Coach Nate and Beard.
Defense, you're coming with me and Roy.
On the hop.
Move it! Okay.
Right.
Coach Nate, I hope you're not too great to train us now.
Thank you, Dani.
Thank you.
Those drills better be lit.
You've got a reputation to keep up.
Yes, very funny.
Thank you, Jamie.
Lucky us.
We get to be trained by the Wonder Kid himself.
Big man.
Very funny, Colin.
You a stand-up comic now? Kind of ironic, 'cause I sat you down at the match the other day.
Right.
I need all our best goal scorers on the pitch right now.
Go.
Colin, Colin.
You can sit this one out, okay? I am a strong and capable man.
I am a strong and capable man.
That's my mantra.
Cool.
Bro, it's been two days.
Still nothing? - No.
- Ouch, man.
Sometimes three dots appear, but then they go away again.
It's over, man.
I've messed up.
Don't be negative, amigo.
There might be a good reason she hasn't replied.
Yeah, maybe she got hit by a bus.
Or a train? It's more likely she lost interest in the relationship.
Maybe she went back and saw how lame these texts are.
"My favorite film's Ratatouille.
" Hey, listen.
Okay.
It doesn't matter.
I don't care if she doesn't-- Three dots.
Three dots.
That's a kick in the plums.
Next time, man.
Oh, my God.
Just answer him.
It's been two days.
I don't know what to say.
How about the truth? "I'd love to meet up, but I'm worried that you can't live up to the fantasy I've created in my head.
So I'm going to let my insecurities keep me from possibly finding my one true love.
" His favorite film is Ratatouille.
That's worrying, right? Meet him.
Who fucking cares what his favorite movie is? Also, Ratatouille is a goddamn masterpiece.
Ironically, it's about snobbery and how good art can come from anywhere.
Stop your dithering and go fuck your cartoon rat.
All right.
Well, what if we meet up and it all goes wrong? I mean, everything always goes wrong.
All relationships are a nightmare.
My relationship is the oxygen that gives me life.
Apart from Leslie's marriage, which is a bloody greeting card of some kind.
And you and Roy are just aggravatingly perfect in every way.
Thank you.
I don't know.
It was definitely easier when we didn't work together.
I just feel like we're around each other all the time.
Wherever I go, he's my shadow.
My adorably hairy shadow, but-- What's going on? Why are you jazz scatting? Were you talking about me? - Yeah, we were talking about you.
- No.
- Big whoop.
You ready to go? - Yeah.
Answer him.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Two, three, four.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- You nearly done? - God, no.
To-do list's as long as my arm.
What? This arm? Maybe.
Oi, that's not helping me.
All right.
I'll give you your arm back.
Thank you.
I'll take your neck.
Seriously, I have got a lot of work to do.
So if you're gonna be here, you need to go sit quietly on the couch and read your book, yeah? Thank you.
That's not helping me either.
What? I'm doing exactly what you said.
I'm sitting quietly and reading my book.
You doing exactly what I tell you to do is so fucking hot.
- Hello, Ted.
- What's up, Doc? I'm surprised you came back.
Yeah, well, I don't quit things.
- How are you, Ted? - I'm swell, as well as fine and dandy.
- How about you, Doc? - I'm well.
Glad to hear it.
So, is this your first time doing therapy? No, ma'am.
My wife and I did couple's therapy for a little while.
How was that? Well, let's see.
I'm here in London, and my wife is back in Kansas, which is a good thing 'cause if she heard me referring to her as my wife still, she'd be hopping mad.
How long these little chats you do take? Sessions typically last 50 minutes.
Okay.
But you charge by the hour, right? That's correct.
I take it you're not a fan of this kind of work? No, ma'am.
Why's that, do you think? You want the truth? I'm only interested in the truth, Ted.
'Cause I think it's bullshit.
You don't know me.
We don't have history.
And yet you just expect me to spill my guts about all the gory details of my life.
The fights, the mistakes, my deep dark secrets.
But you ain't listening 'cause you care about me.
No.
No, you're only listening to me 'cause you're paid to listen to me.
You're getting paid to just jot down your little notes and diagnose my tears.
And then what? Probably just blame it on my folks, right? I mean, you say you're only interested in the truth.
And yet here you are, charging an hourly rate for only 50 minutes of work.
Like I said, it's bullshit.
- Hey.
- Nathan.
Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, Sam.
Ms.
Welton.
Hi.
- Call me Rebecca.
- Rebecca.
Rebecca, sorry.
These machines, huh? We've never been so connected, yet never further apart.
Is that what you were gonna say? Yes.
Yes, it was.
- All right.
Have a good day.
- Right.
I'll see you later.
- You too.
Bye.
- See you, Sam.
Yes.
Hello.
Your new pens have arrived.
I'll just leave 'em here.
Yeah, all right.
'Kay.
Sorry.
Didn't see you there, Colin.
It's the camouflage.
Nate, wonder if I could have a quick word? Yeah, go for it.
I just wondered-- Well, I was wondering if I'd done anything to annoy you.
It's just because I felt like you got angry at me for taking the piss yesterday, but Dani and Jamie did the same thing, and you didn't get mad at them.
Yeah, I can-- Yeah.
No, I can explain that.
You see, Jamie and Dani are like Picasso and Gauguin.
Pedophiles? Artists.
They're artists.
And, Colin, you paint too, but your work doesn't end up in museums.
It hangs at-- Well, you're like a painting at a Holiday Inn, you know? You don't inspire.
You don't move people.
You're there.
You cover a bloodstain.
You do the job, so⦠just do the job.
All right? It's you.
Hi.
Hey, I thought you quit smoking.
What? I have.
This is just covering up the smell of the boots.
That's smart.
Then why you in here? I just needed some space.
I knew you'd be in here.
This is the room where Keeley and I decided that smoking doesn't count.
Busted.
- I did also need some space.
- Space from what? Roy.
He's sitting in my office reading Da Vinci Code.
He keeps muttering on about the Knights Templar.
Sorry, I just came to the boot room to get some⦠boots.
Knock yourself out.
Thank you.
Look, I think Roy is the cat's pajamas.
I do.
You know that.
It's just sometimes I need a moment to myself, you know? Keeley, stop auditioning your complaints.
Right.
Thank you.
Just tell the person who can actually do something about it.
Well, I don't know, boss.
Sometimes it's good to bottle things up.
That's how we get, you know, pickles.
- And vodka.
- Extra virgin olive oil.
- And messages.
- What? - In bottles.
- Right.
Oi, Will, do you think you could take me name off me shirt and then put it back on but bigger? The fuck? - They're talking about Roy.
- What? - Sorry.
- Grumpy old twat.
I agree with the grumpy part, but the other two words I take umbrage with.
Roy is none of those things.
He's perfect.
And I should know because I spend every minute of every second of every hour of every day with him, all right? Right, just tell him that you-- Hi, babe.
You talking about me? - Yes.
- Definitely.
- Ready to go? - Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Adios, muchachos.
- How you doing? - Hey.
The Knights Templar business is fucking with my head.
Because your shit is lying around.
You got more shit lying around than I got.
What? Look at this place! It's loaded with your shit.
Just-- Just look at this bathroom! Look at all your shit⦠What's up? - What's up? - What's going on? I'm just watching Sex and the City.
What are you, a crazy bag man? They're different smells.
Well, enjoy.
I'm gonna read.
Cool.
Wait a minute.
You use Rogaine? I didn't know you needed-- It's preventative.
- Is your hair falling out? - I don't wanna talk about it! It seems it's not only women who have secret single behavior.
This is my stuff! Don't be going through my stuff.
You were more than happy to go through my stuff.
No way.
I don't "always do" anything.
And I have let you in.
You can't put it down 'cause the chapters are so short.
Shut up.
- Shut up? - Yes.
Shut up.
You're telling me to shut up? Oh, my God.
Please, just shut up! This geezer wears like a spiked belt around his thigh-- Fucking hell, Roy! What? Do you want me to read it to you? No.
I-- No, I just wanna watch my TV show, and you're rucking ruining it for me! I just need some time without you reading or turning me on or just fucking being there all the time! You don't want me to turn you on? No! I-- Yes, I do, sometimes.
Just not all the time.
Sometimes I need to be by myself.
Wait, is this what you've been talking to everyone about? Yeah.
But you don't care.
I didn't when I thought it was the usual stuff like gossip or how much hair I leave in the drain.
It is a lot of fucking hair.
You've been making out to everyone like I'm following you around like a needy, clingy fucking fridge magnet.
I'm an idiot.
Fuck this! Shit.
And surprise hero of the week, assistant coach Nate Shelley with a heroically ballsy late-in-the-game strategy that put Richmond into the semis.
We can all agree, the Wonder Kid should be managing his own team.
Savage instincts, and if I may say, an excellent serve-- God.
Wow.
It's you.
Sorry.
You were rude to Colin.
Not just rude.
It was personal and weird.
No, you're absolutely right⦠Did you tell Ted? No.
This is just between me and you.
Okay.
Do better.
The door is behind you.
Yeah.
Wait, this is my-- Hi.
I had porridge for breakfast.
Thanks for asking.
"How was it?" That's a great follow-up question, babe.
It was too hot and, honestly, it was too thick, so burnt my tongue on it and I almost choked to death.
Not a good morning so far.
Hello, Ted.
I thought you'd be back.
Really? Why's that? You said you never quit.
Can I be honest with you about something? What? I got a boogie in my 'stache? No-- I'm kidding.
Sorry, go ahead.
I was quite offended by what you said about my profession⦠that just 'cause a therapist is being paid, they don't actually care.
Let me ask you something.
Would you coach for free? Yeah, I would.
But do you? No, ma'am.
And yet you care about your players, right? Yes, ma'am.
Then why would you assume it's not the same for me? I don't assume that all coaches are macho dickheads.
It's a good point.
Consider me dunked on.
And look, I'm really sorry about that, you know.
Getting all worked up and saying stuff like that, then storming outta here.
It happens.
Self-care can be scary.
Fight or flight is a natural response.
You just happened to do both.
Impressive range really.
Yeah, well, watch your back, Glenn Close.
So you think I'm scared, huh? Yes, I do.
Yeah.
Maybe I don't wanna learn the truth.
Ted, the truth will set you free.
But first, it'll piss you off.
Well, then maybe your new nickname should be "The Truth.
" Well, I can't be your mentor without occasionally being your tormentor.
I like that.
I knew you would.
Let's get started, shall we? Yes, ma'am.
That's right, gentlemen.
Big deep breaths while you stretch.
You wanna get that sweet O2 all the way down to your prostate.
And, hey, remember to focus on the here and now.
Living in the moment, it's a gift.
That's why they call it the present.
Yes.
Okay, before we get started, Coach Nate, you wanted to say something? - Yes, please.
Thank you, Ted.
- Have at it, Jessica Rabbit.
Yeah.
Oi⦠thank you-- I just wanted, before we started, just to⦠well, basically, I just wanted to make an apology.
Colin, yesterday I was a bit of a, you know⦠- Asshole? - Prick? Cock? Wounded butterfly.
Yes.
I was a cocky, prickish, wounded butterfly's asshole⦠but I-- I really am sorry, and it won't happen again, so⦠- It's all good, boyo.
- All right then.
That's good.
- All right.
- Come here.
- Okay.
- Did I miss something? Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Anything I need to address? Well, like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight 'cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers.
I know, Colin.
I know.
All right, fellas! Hey! So here's the plan today.
Peas and carrots, you're going with Coach Roy.
Rest of you beef chunks are coming with me.
Let's go to work.
What? Starters with Roy, reserves with Coach.
Right.
Just say that then.
Do you know what I mean? Here Richard, Richard! Richard! Whistle! Oi! I said, "Whistle!" Roy, why don't you just use an actual whistle? I told you, my lips are sensitive to impure metals and whistles give me mouth hives.
Jamie, what the fuck were you doing? Richard loses his man, gets into the box, and you run the other way? I was pulling my defender out of his path.
He's your teammate.
He needs you to come to the ball and support him.
You all got that? Respectfully, Coach, that ain't what he needs from me.
He needs me to give him space.
What'd you say? The best thing I can do in that situation is give him space.
He's right, actually.
- Yeah, I know.
I learned it from Pep.
- He got it from "Cruijff".
- Pronounced "Cruyff.
" - Okay, Englishman.
Look, whatever.
The point is that Richard doesn't need me to crowd him.
And since he's me teammate, I should trust him to do what's best, right? Fuck! I didn't say nothing bad this time.
There he is, there he is! Coach Nate, we have a gift for you.
Yeah.
Good thing you apologized, otherwise this would be awkward.
"Wonder Kid.
" I mean, because of you saying that instead of "wunderkind," which is the proper pronunciation.
- Wow.
- It was Will's idea.
Hey.
Was it? Well, you know, it's a pretty awesome nickname, so cheers.
Cheers.
No, thank you.
I mean, I did say wunderkind, but⦠But, Will, this is great.
It's really funny.
- It's good, man.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
"If music be the food of love, play on.
Give me excess of it.
" If that's your fancy way of asking if I want another one, you guessed right.
Thought so.
Bear with me.
I'll be out in two seconds.
Cheers.
Of all the pub joints.
Trent Crimm of the Independent.
To what do I owe the pleasure? I was just having a bite to eat, you know? But as we're here, I would love to get an official statement about your early departure from the Spurs match.
An official statement? Well, I thought folks knew I had food poisoning.
Not from here.
Yeah, yeah.
They do.
But I'd love a personal quote, if possible.
Okay, well, I had food poisoning.
And because I respect your readers so much, I'll leave out all the specific nastiness that occurred.
- Yeah.
- But I'm fit as a fiddle now.
So you had food poisoning and you are fit as a fiddle now⦠Exactamundo, Dikembe Mutombo.
Love our chats.
Thank you, Mae.
My pleasure, darling.
Shit.
Roy? Hi.
Hi.
Are you leaving? What? No.
Hey, Siri.
Play the "Roy is sorry for not understanding Keeley" playlist.
I stole those roses from your neighbor's garden.
Ripped them to shreds.
And that⦠that's Phoebe's light, so I'm gonna have to give that back or I'm gonna get it in the neck.
And that, that's a foot scrubber or something.
The woman said it's good if you've got gross feet.
What? You think I've got gross feet? Babe, I think you're the cat's pajamas, but your feet are a fucking state.
But who am I to judge? I found so much of my hair down the drain, it looked like a rat had got trapped and fucking drowned.
Oh, my God.
Now, you are not gonna see or hear me for at least three hours.
Thank you.
If you ever do anything to humiliate me again, I'll make your life a fucking misery.
- Hi, babe.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey.
Hey.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oi! You're not going to your office? No.
I was just gonna go to the café and get a cup of tea first.
Cool.
Can I come? Yeah, course.
Sweet.
That's right.
Make another useless policy you're gonna backtrack on in a week.
Idiots.
Talking to the newspapers again, sweetheart? Let me know if they ever talk back.
Hello, hello.
Hey, Mom.
- Hi, darling.
- Got you these.
There you go.
Thank you.
What's the occasion? Nothing.
You know, just an ordinary day.
Hey.
Look at that.
That's a good one, that.
Hey, Dad.
Nathan.
Would you look at that.
They'll let anyone in the newspapers nowadays, won't they? They say humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking about yourself less.
My little boy wonder.
Yeah, sorry, Mom, but it's Wonder Kid.
Wunderkind, actually, is what I think I said.
But I just⦠didn't⦠- Hey, Doc.
- Hi, Ted.
Come in.
Yeah, okay.
I wanted to thank you again for helping me out with that little hiccup the other night.
I'm actually feeling better, so I don't know if this is necessary, really.
Make yourself comfortable.
Okay.
Let me sit.
I can sit here.
It's noisy.
Yes.
You know what? Hey, I'll, you know, go on the couch.
Here we go.
How about that? Hey, who am I? Don Draper, right? Yeah.
Isn't that a little formal? I don't wanna put my shoes on there.
You know what? I'll lay down, right? Here we go.
I'll just pop my feet up here.
Like this, you know? Like a couple kids on their top bunk on camp-- I don't know what to do with my arm.
It feels⦠Here.
Here we go.
This is what we'll do.
We'll go just classic, how you see, like, in New Yorker cartoons.
Right? Know what? I'll put this under here to help even out my spine.
Then-- Yeah, that feels nice.
Okay.
Now, what do I do here? Do I just-- No, that's like⦠Like I'm going down a water slide or something like that.
Like a luge.
That's a little too "casket-y," isn't it? Okay.
How about-- Here, let's do this.
All right, how's this? This good? Probably sitting is best.
Sure.
That's good.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah, there we go.
There you are.
Quite intimate here, you know? Close.
Close quarters.
It's like we're on a episode of The Sopranos, without all the gratuitous violence, which is a good thing.
But a lot less spaghetti and clams too, which is a bad thing.
So⦠Hey, who's this guy? What's his story? You good, buddy? Yeah? Okay, good.
Very agreeable fella, you know? Just doin' his thing.
- You got tissues over there, huh? - Yes, tissues.
Yeah.
What are those for? Sometimes it gets a bit emotional in here.
- Not always, but sometimes.
- Yep, yep, yep.
Sometimes people just sneeze.
Yeah.
Yeah, they do.
Well, we both agree with you.
Yeah.
Yeah, my hay fever's been pretty good over here.
Must be a low pollen count in the UK, so⦠Okay.
All right.
Well, when do we start? We've already started.
- We started when you entered in here.
- What? Shoot! Well, I'm sorry.
I feel like I've wasted a bunch of time already, with all of the couch shenanigans and noticing your accoutrements.
- It's-- - Ted.
Yeah? Don't worry.
Yeah.
No, of course.
I'm not worried at all.
Yeah.
Okay.
What-- I mean, what do you wanna talk about? Why don't you tell me what happened the other night? Yeah.
I don't wanna do this.
All right, come on! Come here, come here, come here, come here.
All right, fellas.
Look, there are two things you can't ever let the other team know, all right? The first one's your home address.
Mark my words.
You'll start having food deliveries and SWAT teams showing up 24-7, which is nuts, 'cause in my day, all we had to worry about was crank phone calls.
Then, with the advent of caller ID, that joy got 86'd from the prank menu, which is a darn shame, 'cause the Jerky Boys were a national treasure.
Y'all should give them a google sometime.
But I digress.
The second thing that you don't want your opponent to know is that you're tired.
Okay, look, I know y'all are exhausted.
I get it.
But I don't want you to show it.
I don't wanna see y'all walking around with your tired faces, all⦠Okay? Just huffing and puffing around the pitch.
Uh-uh.
No, thank you.
The only face I wanna see from y'all is, what, Coach? - Game face, baby! - Darn tootin', Vladimir Putin.
Right.
- Y'all feel me? - Yes, Coach! Good.
Okay, good.
Now, hop up there.
Okay.
Offense, y'all gonna stick around here with Coach Nate and Beard.
Defense, you're coming with me and Roy.
On the hop.
Move it! Okay.
Right.
Coach Nate, I hope you're not too great to train us now.
Thank you, Dani.
Thank you.
Those drills better be lit.
You've got a reputation to keep up.
Yes, very funny.
Thank you, Jamie.
Lucky us.
We get to be trained by the Wonder Kid himself.
Big man.
Very funny, Colin.
You a stand-up comic now? Kind of ironic, 'cause I sat you down at the match the other day.
Right.
I need all our best goal scorers on the pitch right now.
Go.
Colin, Colin.
You can sit this one out, okay? I am a strong and capable man.
I am a strong and capable man.
That's my mantra.
Cool.
Bro, it's been two days.
Still nothing? - No.
- Ouch, man.
Sometimes three dots appear, but then they go away again.
It's over, man.
I've messed up.
Don't be negative, amigo.
There might be a good reason she hasn't replied.
Yeah, maybe she got hit by a bus.
Or a train? It's more likely she lost interest in the relationship.
Maybe she went back and saw how lame these texts are.
"My favorite film's Ratatouille.
" Hey, listen.
Okay.
It doesn't matter.
I don't care if she doesn't-- Three dots.
Three dots.
That's a kick in the plums.
Next time, man.
Oh, my God.
Just answer him.
It's been two days.
I don't know what to say.
How about the truth? "I'd love to meet up, but I'm worried that you can't live up to the fantasy I've created in my head.
So I'm going to let my insecurities keep me from possibly finding my one true love.
" His favorite film is Ratatouille.
That's worrying, right? Meet him.
Who fucking cares what his favorite movie is? Also, Ratatouille is a goddamn masterpiece.
Ironically, it's about snobbery and how good art can come from anywhere.
Stop your dithering and go fuck your cartoon rat.
All right.
Well, what if we meet up and it all goes wrong? I mean, everything always goes wrong.
All relationships are a nightmare.
My relationship is the oxygen that gives me life.
Apart from Leslie's marriage, which is a bloody greeting card of some kind.
And you and Roy are just aggravatingly perfect in every way.
Thank you.
I don't know.
It was definitely easier when we didn't work together.
I just feel like we're around each other all the time.
Wherever I go, he's my shadow.
My adorably hairy shadow, but-- What's going on? Why are you jazz scatting? Were you talking about me? - Yeah, we were talking about you.
- No.
- Big whoop.
You ready to go? - Yeah.
Answer him.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Two, three, four.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- You nearly done? - God, no.
To-do list's as long as my arm.
What? This arm? Maybe.
Oi, that's not helping me.
All right.
I'll give you your arm back.
Thank you.
I'll take your neck.
Seriously, I have got a lot of work to do.
So if you're gonna be here, you need to go sit quietly on the couch and read your book, yeah? Thank you.
That's not helping me either.
What? I'm doing exactly what you said.
I'm sitting quietly and reading my book.
You doing exactly what I tell you to do is so fucking hot.
- Hello, Ted.
- What's up, Doc? I'm surprised you came back.
Yeah, well, I don't quit things.
- How are you, Ted? - I'm swell, as well as fine and dandy.
- How about you, Doc? - I'm well.
Glad to hear it.
So, is this your first time doing therapy? No, ma'am.
My wife and I did couple's therapy for a little while.
How was that? Well, let's see.
I'm here in London, and my wife is back in Kansas, which is a good thing 'cause if she heard me referring to her as my wife still, she'd be hopping mad.
How long these little chats you do take? Sessions typically last 50 minutes.
Okay.
But you charge by the hour, right? That's correct.
I take it you're not a fan of this kind of work? No, ma'am.
Why's that, do you think? You want the truth? I'm only interested in the truth, Ted.
'Cause I think it's bullshit.
You don't know me.
We don't have history.
And yet you just expect me to spill my guts about all the gory details of my life.
The fights, the mistakes, my deep dark secrets.
But you ain't listening 'cause you care about me.
No.
No, you're only listening to me 'cause you're paid to listen to me.
You're getting paid to just jot down your little notes and diagnose my tears.
And then what? Probably just blame it on my folks, right? I mean, you say you're only interested in the truth.
And yet here you are, charging an hourly rate for only 50 minutes of work.
Like I said, it's bullshit.
- Hey.
- Nathan.
Oh, my God.
- Sorry.
- Sorry, Sam.
Ms.
Welton.
Hi.
- Call me Rebecca.
- Rebecca.
Rebecca, sorry.
These machines, huh? We've never been so connected, yet never further apart.
Is that what you were gonna say? Yes.
Yes, it was.
- All right.
Have a good day.
- Right.
I'll see you later.
- You too.
Bye.
- See you, Sam.
Yes.
Hello.
Your new pens have arrived.
I'll just leave 'em here.
Yeah, all right.
'Kay.
Sorry.
Didn't see you there, Colin.
It's the camouflage.
Nate, wonder if I could have a quick word? Yeah, go for it.
I just wondered-- Well, I was wondering if I'd done anything to annoy you.
It's just because I felt like you got angry at me for taking the piss yesterday, but Dani and Jamie did the same thing, and you didn't get mad at them.
Yeah, I can-- Yeah.
No, I can explain that.
You see, Jamie and Dani are like Picasso and Gauguin.
Pedophiles? Artists.
They're artists.
And, Colin, you paint too, but your work doesn't end up in museums.
It hangs at-- Well, you're like a painting at a Holiday Inn, you know? You don't inspire.
You don't move people.
You're there.
You cover a bloodstain.
You do the job, so⦠just do the job.
All right? It's you.
Hi.
Hey, I thought you quit smoking.
What? I have.
This is just covering up the smell of the boots.
That's smart.
Then why you in here? I just needed some space.
I knew you'd be in here.
This is the room where Keeley and I decided that smoking doesn't count.
Busted.
- I did also need some space.
- Space from what? Roy.
He's sitting in my office reading Da Vinci Code.
He keeps muttering on about the Knights Templar.
Sorry, I just came to the boot room to get some⦠boots.
Knock yourself out.
Thank you.
Look, I think Roy is the cat's pajamas.
I do.
You know that.
It's just sometimes I need a moment to myself, you know? Keeley, stop auditioning your complaints.
Right.
Thank you.
Just tell the person who can actually do something about it.
Well, I don't know, boss.
Sometimes it's good to bottle things up.
That's how we get, you know, pickles.
- And vodka.
- Extra virgin olive oil.
- And messages.
- What? - In bottles.
- Right.
Oi, Will, do you think you could take me name off me shirt and then put it back on but bigger? The fuck? - They're talking about Roy.
- What? - Sorry.
- Grumpy old twat.
I agree with the grumpy part, but the other two words I take umbrage with.
Roy is none of those things.
He's perfect.
And I should know because I spend every minute of every second of every hour of every day with him, all right? Right, just tell him that you-- Hi, babe.
You talking about me? - Yes.
- Definitely.
- Ready to go? - Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Adios, muchachos.
- How you doing? - Hey.
The Knights Templar business is fucking with my head.
Because your shit is lying around.
You got more shit lying around than I got.
What? Look at this place! It's loaded with your shit.
Just-- Just look at this bathroom! Look at all your shit⦠What's up? - What's up? - What's going on? I'm just watching Sex and the City.
What are you, a crazy bag man? They're different smells.
Well, enjoy.
I'm gonna read.
Cool.
Wait a minute.
You use Rogaine? I didn't know you needed-- It's preventative.
- Is your hair falling out? - I don't wanna talk about it! It seems it's not only women who have secret single behavior.
This is my stuff! Don't be going through my stuff.
You were more than happy to go through my stuff.
No way.
I don't "always do" anything.
And I have let you in.
You can't put it down 'cause the chapters are so short.
Shut up.
- Shut up? - Yes.
Shut up.
You're telling me to shut up? Oh, my God.
Please, just shut up! This geezer wears like a spiked belt around his thigh-- Fucking hell, Roy! What? Do you want me to read it to you? No.
I-- No, I just wanna watch my TV show, and you're rucking ruining it for me! I just need some time without you reading or turning me on or just fucking being there all the time! You don't want me to turn you on? No! I-- Yes, I do, sometimes.
Just not all the time.
Sometimes I need to be by myself.
Wait, is this what you've been talking to everyone about? Yeah.
But you don't care.
I didn't when I thought it was the usual stuff like gossip or how much hair I leave in the drain.
It is a lot of fucking hair.
You've been making out to everyone like I'm following you around like a needy, clingy fucking fridge magnet.
I'm an idiot.
Fuck this! Shit.
And surprise hero of the week, assistant coach Nate Shelley with a heroically ballsy late-in-the-game strategy that put Richmond into the semis.
We can all agree, the Wonder Kid should be managing his own team.
Savage instincts, and if I may say, an excellent serve-- God.
Wow.
It's you.
Sorry.
You were rude to Colin.
Not just rude.
It was personal and weird.
No, you're absolutely right⦠Did you tell Ted? No.
This is just between me and you.
Okay.
Do better.
The door is behind you.
Yeah.
Wait, this is my-- Hi.
I had porridge for breakfast.
Thanks for asking.
"How was it?" That's a great follow-up question, babe.
It was too hot and, honestly, it was too thick, so burnt my tongue on it and I almost choked to death.
Not a good morning so far.
Hello, Ted.
I thought you'd be back.
Really? Why's that? You said you never quit.
Can I be honest with you about something? What? I got a boogie in my 'stache? No-- I'm kidding.
Sorry, go ahead.
I was quite offended by what you said about my profession⦠that just 'cause a therapist is being paid, they don't actually care.
Let me ask you something.
Would you coach for free? Yeah, I would.
But do you? No, ma'am.
And yet you care about your players, right? Yes, ma'am.
Then why would you assume it's not the same for me? I don't assume that all coaches are macho dickheads.
It's a good point.
Consider me dunked on.
And look, I'm really sorry about that, you know.
Getting all worked up and saying stuff like that, then storming outta here.
It happens.
Self-care can be scary.
Fight or flight is a natural response.
You just happened to do both.
Impressive range really.
Yeah, well, watch your back, Glenn Close.
So you think I'm scared, huh? Yes, I do.
Yeah.
Maybe I don't wanna learn the truth.
Ted, the truth will set you free.
But first, it'll piss you off.
Well, then maybe your new nickname should be "The Truth.
" Well, I can't be your mentor without occasionally being your tormentor.
I like that.
I knew you would.
Let's get started, shall we? Yes, ma'am.
That's right, gentlemen.
Big deep breaths while you stretch.
You wanna get that sweet O2 all the way down to your prostate.
And, hey, remember to focus on the here and now.
Living in the moment, it's a gift.
That's why they call it the present.
Yes.
Okay, before we get started, Coach Nate, you wanted to say something? - Yes, please.
Thank you, Ted.
- Have at it, Jessica Rabbit.
Yeah.
Oi⦠thank you-- I just wanted, before we started, just to⦠well, basically, I just wanted to make an apology.
Colin, yesterday I was a bit of a, you know⦠- Asshole? - Prick? Cock? Wounded butterfly.
Yes.
I was a cocky, prickish, wounded butterfly's asshole⦠but I-- I really am sorry, and it won't happen again, so⦠- It's all good, boyo.
- All right then.
That's good.
- All right.
- Come here.
- Okay.
- Did I miss something? Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Anything I need to address? Well, like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight 'cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers.
I know, Colin.
I know.
All right, fellas! Hey! So here's the plan today.
Peas and carrots, you're going with Coach Roy.
Rest of you beef chunks are coming with me.
Let's go to work.
What? Starters with Roy, reserves with Coach.
Right.
Just say that then.
Do you know what I mean? Here Richard, Richard! Richard! Whistle! Oi! I said, "Whistle!" Roy, why don't you just use an actual whistle? I told you, my lips are sensitive to impure metals and whistles give me mouth hives.
Jamie, what the fuck were you doing? Richard loses his man, gets into the box, and you run the other way? I was pulling my defender out of his path.
He's your teammate.
He needs you to come to the ball and support him.
You all got that? Respectfully, Coach, that ain't what he needs from me.
He needs me to give him space.
What'd you say? The best thing I can do in that situation is give him space.
He's right, actually.
- Yeah, I know.
I learned it from Pep.
- He got it from "Cruijff".
- Pronounced "Cruyff.
" - Okay, Englishman.
Look, whatever.
The point is that Richard doesn't need me to crowd him.
And since he's me teammate, I should trust him to do what's best, right? Fuck! I didn't say nothing bad this time.
There he is, there he is! Coach Nate, we have a gift for you.
Yeah.
Good thing you apologized, otherwise this would be awkward.
"Wonder Kid.
" I mean, because of you saying that instead of "wunderkind," which is the proper pronunciation.
- Wow.
- It was Will's idea.
Hey.
Was it? Well, you know, it's a pretty awesome nickname, so cheers.
Cheers.
No, thank you.
I mean, I did say wunderkind, but⦠But, Will, this is great.
It's really funny.
- It's good, man.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
"If music be the food of love, play on.
Give me excess of it.
" If that's your fancy way of asking if I want another one, you guessed right.
Thought so.
Bear with me.
I'll be out in two seconds.
Cheers.
Of all the pub joints.
Trent Crimm of the Independent.
To what do I owe the pleasure? I was just having a bite to eat, you know? But as we're here, I would love to get an official statement about your early departure from the Spurs match.
An official statement? Well, I thought folks knew I had food poisoning.
Not from here.
Yeah, yeah.
They do.
But I'd love a personal quote, if possible.
Okay, well, I had food poisoning.
And because I respect your readers so much, I'll leave out all the specific nastiness that occurred.
- Yeah.
- But I'm fit as a fiddle now.
So you had food poisoning and you are fit as a fiddle now⦠Exactamundo, Dikembe Mutombo.
Love our chats.
Thank you, Mae.
My pleasure, darling.
Shit.
Roy? Hi.
Hi.
Are you leaving? What? No.
Hey, Siri.
Play the "Roy is sorry for not understanding Keeley" playlist.
I stole those roses from your neighbor's garden.
Ripped them to shreds.
And that⦠that's Phoebe's light, so I'm gonna have to give that back or I'm gonna get it in the neck.
And that, that's a foot scrubber or something.
The woman said it's good if you've got gross feet.
What? You think I've got gross feet? Babe, I think you're the cat's pajamas, but your feet are a fucking state.
But who am I to judge? I found so much of my hair down the drain, it looked like a rat had got trapped and fucking drowned.
Oh, my God.
Now, you are not gonna see or hear me for at least three hours.
Thank you.
If you ever do anything to humiliate me again, I'll make your life a fucking misery.