Ten Year Old Tom (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

1
- Now as our poor
young lungs deflate ♪
I'll admit
I've gotten older ♪
Mellowed out, chatting up
those I used to hate ♪
♪
The feeling that
we're lost will always fade ♪
I present no explanation ♪
Can't expect
our tired patience ♪
To satiate for long ♪
Therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪
♪
[car horns honking]
- Oh, man, this is crazy.
I'm driving a bus.
It is big.
Hey, Tom. Tom.
- Hey, yeah?
- What is it, man?
- You just called my name.
- I did?
- Um, bus driver,
you feeling okay?
- Tom,
do you think there's
a possibility that with AI
or some shit, the buses
could take over the planet?
- What is he talking about?
[siren wails]
- Maybe just give him
some space.
- What is this noise, Tom?
Do you hear that?
I mean, are they talking to us?
- Why don't we
pull the bus over?
[knock on door]
- Sir, do you know
how fast you were going?
- Um
- Wild guess.
- I'm not certain.
- Three.
- Okay.
- Three miles per hour.
- Is that too fast or too slow
for this zone?
- Why don't you come on out
of the vehicle for me, sir?
- Okay, just give me
one second, please.
Tom, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.
- I am on so many drugs
right now.
Am I talking to a cop or
am I talking to another bus?
- I'm pretty sure it's a cop.
- I was leaning cop,
but I wasn't 100%.
[school bell rings]
- Listen, folks,
thank you for making it out.
We have a situation here.
Our bus driver was caught
driving
with alarming amounts
of drugs in his system,
so he is being put on unpaid
leave while he goes to rehab.
Until he's back,
we need the parents for now
to start carpooling.
Do we have any volunteers?
No volunteers.
- I need to leave.
- Come on.
- I can't because
I just recently bought
a motorcycle.
- Okay.
- You know, I bought
a smaller one than I should've
and no one fits on it.
I gotta go.
[door shuts]
- You know what? Me too.
I gotta take this.
- Come on, people.
[door shuts]
- I'll tell you what.
If nobody's gonna volunteer
then the first people to be
on carpool duty is
Yasmine's mom, Randy's dad,
and Tom's mom.
- Me? No, no, no.
I don't wear my seatbelt.
- I don't care.
- Just know this,
I eat full meals in my lap
with a knife and fork.
I cut steaks on my lap.
I eat spaghetti on my lap.
- It doesn't matter.
- Please don't make me do this.
I know they're your children,
but they are awful.
- Tom's mom,
can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, what is it, Yasmine?
- Why are you always
wearing flip-flops?
Do you think
that's a good look?
- Oh, my God.
- You know, why don't
we just stay out
of Tom's mom's business?
- Oh, my God,
what are we listening to?
- Don't make fun of it.
- This is terrible.
- Randy, music's subjective.
- [mimics retching]
- Don't make barfing sounds.
- [mimics retching]
- Seriously.
- Ma'am, I have a question.
- Oh, boy.
- What?
- After school,
can you take us to the mall?
- That's a big no
on that one, Hector.
- I mean,
technically you have to.
- It's like if you replace
the bus driver
- You work for the school now.
- So you kind of work for us.
- No, I don't work
for the school.
- No, well, you have to go
where we say you go.
You can hear me, right?
I said the mall.
- Hector, don't. Don't poke her.
- Do it. Poke her.
- Ma'am.
- I'm worried for
everyone's safety right now.
- Poke again.
- You go where we say you go.
- You're being abnormally
annoying right now.
- You go where we say you go.
Take me to the mall.
- Mom,
why are we at a toy store?
Can't imagine you're just
buying me toys.
- Tom, what are you crazy?
I need to end this carpool
situation fast,
so we're gonna purchase
a fart machine.
- No, Mom.
- If riding in our car's
a disgusting experience,
the kids are not gonna want to
ride with us and I'll be
excused from participating.
- Can't you just
politely decline?
- No. Not an option.
Hi. Excuse me.
- Oh, what's up?
- My son wants a fart machine.
- I can live without it.
- I was just wondering
which one you recommend.
- Oh, cool, um, yeah, I would go
with the Fart Blaster 2000.
It's pretty gangster.
Um, it's got full volume
control.
Range of ethnic
and gender specific farts.
- Sounds amazing.
- Bluetooth capability
and puts out 40 fpm, so
- What does that even mean?
- Farts per minute, little man.
- Okay, what are we talking?
- 300 smackers, dude.
- What?
- Pay the man.
- Whoa.
What do you got for max 12?
- For 12 bucks,
I gotta be honest with you.
You're probably looking at
a floor model of Fart Party.
- No.
- It's a big drop off
in quality.
It's a one style of fart.
No volume control and
technically there's a recall
since they can catch fire,
but it's made in the USA, so
- It doesn't look like
a quality device.
- I do love the idea of
supporting American jobs.
- You don't care about
American jobs.
- Tom.
- You know you don't care.
- It's a tough call, but we're
gonna take that terrible one.
- USA, dude.
- USA.
- This thing didn't even come
with an owner's manual.
- Tom, if you don't know
how to operate a fart machine,
we really need to rethink
your education here, kid.
- It doesn't make sense.
- Press button that says "fart."
- Press button that says "fart."
That's all?
- Yeah.
- I don't know
why I was confused.
Yeah,
that's pretty straight forward.
Hey, guys. Hey.
What's up, everyone?
- Sorry I missed yesterday.
I heard this is the hottest
carpool group to be in.
- This is actually
a lot of fun.
I like this better
than the bus.
- Any of you ladies see
"Rambo" by any chance?
[farts]
Oh.
- Excuse me.
[farts]
Sorry.
- Um
- What?
[farts]
- Sorry. That was me.
- Yeah, that was three times.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, it's
[farts]
- Again.
- This happens
when I'm in cars.
[farts]
Whoops.
- You know what?
He does this all the time.
If you guys want to find
another ride,
no one's gonna blame you.
[farts]
- Tom, you burping
out the wrong hole.
[farts continue]
- Whoops.
- Stop.
- Whoops. Whoops.
I think it's broken.
- What's broken?
- My rear end, obviously.
- Tom.
I'm actually concerned.
Are you okay?
- I don't know.
I don't even know anymore.
- This is
alarming.
- Strange.
- It's getting away from me.
- Tom.
[farts continue]
You have to stop.
- This is clearly
not a viable carpool option.
[farts]
- This is alarming.
- At this point, I literally
don't know what to do.
- Help me, God.
- What just happened?
- Sorry, guys.
Feel free to find
another ride to school.
- Nurse, get over here.
- No, no.
- What is it?
Please, no nurses.
- Tom's been farting
every two seconds
for the past five minutes.
- Ex--how are you alive?
Excuse me?
- It's honestly,
it's not a big thing.
- It is a big thing.
You farted 192 times, Tom.
- You counted?
- Of course.
It was the most traumatic
car ride I've ever experienced.
- Tom, this sounds serious.
We need to call a doctor.
- No, no, no, let's not
get doctors involved.
- Of course we're getting
doctors involved.
What kind of mom are you?
If this is serious,
Tom could die.
- What?
- No, you don't die
from farting.
- You could.
- Please stop.
Oh, my God.
- Tom, stay put.
Kids, come with me.
We're getting the stretcher.
- No.
- I'm on it.
- No, let's all relax.
- Hang in there, Tom.
- All right, this is
out of control.
We got to say something.
- Tom, just play along.
We can't tell anyone the truth.
- We have to.
They're calling a doctor.
- I cannot be the mom
who bought a fart gun
to get out of carpooling.
- That's who you are.
- I'm a good mom
and you know it.
Now, sit here
and pretend you're dying
while I go and bury
the fart machine by the river.
- Good moms don't bury
fart machines by rivers.
They just don't.
- Tom, you're gonna be okay.
We flew in a specialist
from Bethesda, Maryland.
- What? You just called in
a specialist.
- Tom, we're not taking
any chances.
- You didn't take
my temperature or
- No.
- You're not sounding
very grateful, Tom.
- You didn't do anything.
You didn't even ask me to cough.
- Why would we ask you
to cough?
It's coming out of your butt.
- Okay, everybody
out of the way.
Tom, you have a very serious
condition and we need
to run some tests stat.
- Oh, I'm fine. Trust me.
I feel better.
- Tom, you farted 192 times
within five minutes.
You set a world record.
- That's the record?
- Yes, you shattered it
and the guy who had it before,
he's dead.
- He's dead?
- They buried him.
- Oh, this is not
who is this guy?
There's no such thing
as a farting doctor.
- I'm a gastroenterologist.
I'm not a farting doctor.
- Tom, he's trying
to save your life.
Now, stop being difficult.
- Okay, where's Tom's mom?
We need parental approval,
so we can prep Tom for surgery.
Where's Tom's mom?
- Oh, you know what?
I think she took off, actually.
- I'm sorry.
She "took off"?
- Yeah.
- What could she possibly
be doing
that's more important
than this?
- How did my freaking life
become this?
- Ah, excuse me, ma'am.
What exactly are you doing?
- Oh, nothing.
I'm just playing in the mud.
- So you're just digging a hole
by the river?
- Yeah.
Can't a mom dig a hole
at night without being
interrogated?
- Right. I'm gonna need to see
some identification.
- I don't think I will.
Thank you though.
- So you're refusing
to tell me who you are?
- Don't be alarmed,
uh, but I'm gonna start
swimming away right now.
- I got a lady digging a hole
by the mud with a fart machine.
She's in the water
swimming away, okay?
I'm gonna need some backup.
- Great news, guys.
I've got Tom's legal guardian
on the line
and he greenlit the surgery.
- Legal guardian. Who's that?
- Your uncle Bill.
- Tommy.
- No.
- You're gonna make it,
buddy, okay?
I signed the release.
- Don't sign it.
- Farting runs in the family,
Tommy.
- Bill.
- I love you, Tommy.
You will stop farting, Tommy.
- Honestly, he doesn't count
as a grownup.
- He sounds like a good guy.
- We have verbal permission,
so this needs to happen.
Let's sedate Tom
and get ready to operate.
- Oh, no. Stop.
- Okay, everybody
out of the way.
- Please, please.
Hey, I have a confession.
- Yeah?
- I'm fine.
We were using
a fart machine the whole time.
- Wait. A fart machine?
- Device that makes farts.
- Oh, Tom.
- Kind of a funny story.
- It's not funny.
I walked out in
the middle of my son's baptism.
- I'm sorry, it was
to get out of carpooling.
I apologize.
- Don't apologize to me.
Apologize to those
poor people outside.
- Outside?
- Did you not know?
There's a candlelight vigil
going on.
- What?
- I told everyone
you were dying.
- Oh, my God.
- I just want to know ♪
Will Tom be farting
in heaven? ♪
- Oh, man.
All right, you know what?
I'll tell the truth.
I'll take full responsibility.
- No.
- No?
- No, that's the last thing
you're doing.
This looks bad for all of us.
- I told everyone you were
dying based on nothing
but farts.
- I flew in a doctor from
Bethesda, Maryland, Tom.
- Yeah, you shouldn't have--
- For nothing.
- Shouldn't have called
Bethesda so quickly.
- I was about
to open this kid up.
I mean, I'm fucking
board certified.
This looks bad for me.
- We all look like imbeciles.
- So what can we do?
- Well, we're gonna
tweak the facts of the story,
so we all look like heroes.
- Imbeciles to heroes,
that's a pretty big tweak, no?
- I just want to know ♪
You know I do.
Will Tom be farting
in heav-- ♪
- Okay, everybody.
I have an update.
Tom is going to be okay.
[cheers and applause]
- Yes! Yes!
- Tom had a very, very serious
medical condition
and we almost lost him,
quite frankly.
- It was close.
It was touch and go.
- But thanks to the fast
thinking of this staff,
we saved his life.
- The nurse thought
on her feet.
The principal
was very decisive.
- And his mom is currently
being prepped for surgery,
so she can donate her spleen.
- Spleen?
- Talk about love, everybody.
Now go home
and get some sleep.
[phone chimes]
- Wait, I just got
a Google alert.
Tom's mom isn't in surgery.
- Oh, no, she is.
- No, she's not.
She just got busted
down by the river
trying to bury a fart machine.
- Oh, no.
- An unidentified woman
is leading park rangers
on a late night chase
after trying
to bury a fart machine
by the river.
All this just to
get out of carpooling.
Unfortunately, folks, this is
what society has come to.
- I mean, they did say
"unidentified woman."
That could literally be anyone.
- Yeah, that's a swing
and a miss, bud.
- So wait.
This whole thing was a lie?
- Hey, guys, let's at least
take something good
away from this.
- What?
- Look around.
Look around at all the people
and at the outpouring of love
directed at me.
That's beautiful.
- Tom.
- Yeah?
- I think I speak for the entire
group when I say
[farts]
And yes, I can fart on command.
My dad raised me right.
[upbeat music]
♪
- Come on, you stupid
son of a bitch.
Razors don't cost 2.99.
It's higher! Higher!
- What's going on up there?
- Oh, yeah.
I love "The Price is Right."
[moans]
"The Price is Right."
[moans]
- What's Uncle Bill
doing up there?
- [sighs]
He's whacking off to
"The Price is Right," Tom.
- What does that mean?
- He's watching
"The Price is Right,"
he's getting a little
worked up.
- I'm even more confused.
- I think we need to
have a talk with Uncle Bill.
He's so loud.
- He is loud.
- He's disgusting.
- He is pretty gross.
- He doesn't pay rent.
Why don't you go up there
and talk to him?
- Me? What would I say?
- That you want him
to find a job.
- No.
- And you want him to
start pitching in for rent
and utilities
and all that stuff.
- That sounds like
grownup stuff.
- Tom, you're
the man of the house now.
- Come on. I'm a little kid.
Look at me.
I'm eating Count Chocula.
- Guess what?
We're not buying Count Chocula
anymore after today.
From now on you get Kashi
organic, unsweetened
bran flakes.
- That's what men eat?
- That's what men eat, Tom.
- All right, I guess if
I'm a man,
I guess I gotta go do it.
- Thanks, buddy.
You're growing up so fast.
I love you.
- And, oh, real quick.
What does whacking off mean?
Just in case he's doing it.
- [sighs]
- I'll just close my eyes.
Uncle Bill, I'm coming up.
If you're doing anything weird
just stop.
- No, no. I'm not doing
anything weird.
Just shaving my rear end.
- Oh, okay. That's not too bad.
Listen, can we talk man-to-man?
- Tommy, my door's always open
for you.
You know that. Talk to me.
- As the man of the house,
I need you to get out there
and find a job.
- Oh, Tommy, I've tried.
Nobody's hiring, man.
- Nobody's hiring?
- I called the Phillies,
the Orioles, the Mets.
No one needs a ball boy
right now.
- Wait.
- And I'm not working
for the Yankees, no matter
how funny their name is.
- This whole time you've only
applied for ball boy jobs?
- That's all I know
how to do, Tommy.
- Picking up foul balls
is your only skill?
- Yeah, and until one of those
teams needs a ball boy,
I'm staying right here
in the attic with you, huh?
[laughs]
- I think you need to expand
your job search.
Listen, why don't we go to
Nelson's house?
He has a computer.
We can work on your resume.
- Hey, that's a good idea.
I like that.
- Great.
Now, we're making progress.
- Hey, listen, before we go.
Can you just
touch up the back
of my ass here?
It's really hard to reach
back there.
- Sure.
Oh, thanks for helping, Nelson.
You remember Uncle Bill, right?
- Of course.
What's up, Uncle B?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Yacht boys.
- Yacht boys for life.
- Uh, Bill really needs
to find work, so we need
help with the resume.
- Man, anything for Uncle Bill.
Got a template here
just for resumes.
- Oh, wow.
- Come on, Uncle Bill.
Give me the objective.
- Uh, picking up foul balls.
- That's the goal in life.
- That's my objective.
- Doesn't sound great.
- Okay, okay, okay, can you list
all your previous jobs?
- Uh, ball boy
and junior ball boy.
- Don't put that down.
- Man, you making it hard.
Okay, okay, okay.
Have you won any awards?
- I've gotten two awards.
- Whoa, okay.
- One, oldest ball boy.
- Mm-hmm.
- And two, fattest ball boy.
- Come on, Uncle Bill!
- Can you work with that,
Nelson?
- Man, this is beyond me.
Think I'm gonna have to
pull out the big guns.
- The big guns?
- The big guns.
To the Bat Cave.
Follow me.
Papacito!
- Oh, hey.
- You remember Tom.
This is Uncle Bill.
This is Tom's uncle.
- Hey.
Nelson's dad.
That's a weird name.
- Say what now?
- He needs a little help
with his resume.
Do you think you could
take a look?
- Oh, sure. No problem.
Come on in.
- Oh, thank you.
- We gonna leave him down here.
Bill, don't embarrass
your nephew, please.
- Thanks, Nelson.
- Let's do this.
Oh, my. [chuckles]
I think you're being
a little too honest here.
- No one's ever accused me
of that before.
- The secret is to, uh,
pad your resume.
- Pad mylike,
padding my crotch?
What are you talking about?
What does that mean?
- That means you tell the truth,
but in a flattering way.
- Oh.
- I didn't go to Harvard, okay?
- Oh.
- But I did attend a few
frat parties there, so in a way
I did attend the school.
- I guess I went to Harvard,
too, then, huh?
- And don't say
you're a ball boy, okay?
Put down you help build
the organization
from the ground up.
- The balls are on the ground,
I pick them up.
- Mm-hmm.
- I built it from ground up.
- Hobbies.
- I like to pretend I'm gonna
board a bus,
but then fart
and run away and cry.
- Say that again.
- Uh, I like to whack off
in the park. Does that count?
- Okay, just put down
avid outdoorsman.
Tell them you work at Dick's.
- This is great.
I never knew
I was so successful.
[school bell rings]
- Okay, gang,
today we are playing kickball,
so I need you to split up
into two teams.
- Hey, kids, I have
an exciting announcement.
We have hired a new
Director of Athletics.
He's worked with
the Red Sox organization.
- Wait. What?
- He's an avid outdoorsman
and he was briefly
the captain of a ship.
- Oh, no.
- If you see him
around the school, please
say hi to Uncle William.
- Hey, what's going on,
you goofy-looking bastards?
- Wait, what? No.
- Told you my dad was good.
- Hey, listen, Coach,
there's gonna be
some changes around here.
Give me 20 pushups.
- [chuckles]
What? This is my gym.
- We can't have
an overweight gym teacher
and overweight
Director of Athletics.
There's too much fat.
On the floor. Give me 20.
- Okay.
- Right out of the gate.
Hector, you've been traded to
another school in Cincinnati.
- In Cincinnati?
- Wait, what?
- Pack your shit and get out.
- You can't trade me.
Do my parents--they need,
like, new jobs.
- Not my problem.
Figure it out.
- Okay. Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Have fun.
- Wait, what's this?
Oh, no.
- And Tom, I need you to
deflate all these kickballs.
- Deflate? No.
Why would I do that?
- Because from now on,
we're only playing
rich kid sports,
like squash and lacrosse
and rowing crew.
- What?
Kickball's our favorite sport.
- Hey there, Mrs. Smarty Pants.
Who went to Harvard?
Me.
Now, deflate these balls, Tom.
- All right.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- No.
- Oh, no.
- Excuse me.
- Please stop.
- Tom, what you doing?
- Stop that, Tom.
- I'm sorry.
I know this is unpleasant.
He's the Director of Athletics.
I've got no choice.
- Get down! Give me
- Tom.
- What's wrong?
- You need to talk
to your uncle.
- Why?
- He's drunk on power.
He's acting like a maniac.
- Give him a chance.
Maybe he's good at the job.
I mean
- Tom, he's terrible.
- He's wearing a suit.
- Tom, he is terrible.
- What do you mean, because
he's making everyone do pushups
and deflating things and
- He's erratic.
- Eh.
- Eh?
- Now, deflate these balls
and burn them.
Burn them!
- I think you're right.
Let me have a chat with him.
- Come on.
[knock on door]
- Bill?
You doing anything weird?
- Tommy!
[laughs]
- Hey.
- Ah, man, thanks again
for encouraging me.
This job is going great.
- Is it, though?
I feel like you're not
qualified at all.
- Tom, for the first time in
my life, I'm getting respect.
- But, Bill, it's a lie.
- Tom, Tom, Tom.
- Yeah?
- Sit on my lap.
- All right.
- Let me tell you something.
- Okay.
- Most people in this world
are fucking stupid
and they're awful at their jobs.
- Really?
- That's the secret
of the world.
None of us know
what we're doing.
- No one knows
what they're doing?
- Yes.
It's called imposter syndrome.
- Yeah, but you're literally
an imposter.
There's no syndrome here.
It's just flat out
- Those are just words, Tom.
We got to take advantage
of this while we can.
- Take advantage?
What do you mean
take advantage?
- As Director of Athletics,
my word is gold.
Now, look at this.
I got you a scholarship, huh?
- Wait, what's this?
For rowing crew.
- Yeah.
- I don't row things. What?
- It doesn't matter, okay?
This prep school
wants to talk to you.
- But, Bill, I don't know
what I'm doing.
I don't know how to do it.
- You don't got to row.
Throw some words
into your vocabulary.
Big words, you know,
like, uh, humidity
or, uh, humidifier
or, uh, soup.
- Bill, you know soup is
not a big word, right?
It's four letters.
- Those are just words, Tommy.
I don't even understand them.
- Wait. Who the hell
is this kid?
- Uh, Hector.
I got traded to this school
by the Director of Athletics
at my old school.
- They can do that?
- Honestly, I don't know.
I didn't really look into it.
I just--I'm here.
Let's just play some ball, okay?
I've been traded.
- Okay, Tom, I wrote down
some big words for you.
Just sprinkle them in
here and there.
- Great, Mom,
this is a big help.
- Ah, Tom.
- Oh, hey.
- You came highly recommended
from your Director
of Athletics.
Sounds like you're quite
the athlete and academic.
- Yeah, you know, I like to
balance my athletic prowess
with my kind of
gubernatorial skills.
- What does that mean?
Are you the governor?
- Oh, no. Gubernatorial is just
another word for, you know,
subsequent.
- Is it?
- Listen,
Tom is clearly very smart.
- Yeah, I'm very smart.
- If you don't understand
what he's saying,
we'll talk to other schools.
- No, no, no. Please stay.
We really like Tom
for our rowing program.
He sounds quite talented
for his age.
- Yeah, I mean, you know,
being a rowing coxswain is
just my passion.
- Being a what?
- A rowing coxswain.
- It's pronounced "cox-en,"
not "cock-swing."
- The way I do it is
a very bold style of rowing,
so I think it's appropriate.
- Well, fantastic.
And at Tom's age, no money can
exchange hands, but we can hold
a spot for him in our program.
- This is amazing.
- I'm going to a prep school.
- You will not regret it.
- All we need is
documentation of Tom in action.
- Documentation?
- Yeah, on the water with
your junior rowing crew.
- Oh, I don't think
we've ever taken any pictures.
- Yeah, we don't--
we don't play with that.
- You've never taken a picture
of your son rowing?
- No, we took a few pictures
when I was a baby
and then that was about it.
- How old are you now?
- I'm ten.
- You know what?
Let's just consider this
a done deal.
- I mean, it'll be a done deal
once we see the pictures.
- I'm sure we've taken
some pictures.
We'll send some pictures over.
- That'd be great.
- Great.
It's really a smooth meeting.
This was really smooth.
- Oh, Hector's mom, shut up!
[door closes]
Yes, I traded your son to
another school in Cincinnati.
I'm the Director of Athletics.
Get over it.
Hey, Tommy.
- Hey, Bill.
Listen, thanks for trying,
but, um, they called my bluff.
They want proof of me rowing.
- I know.
I'm one step ahead of you.
- You're one step ahead of me?
- I had my assistant do some
minor retouching in Photoshop.
- Wait. Who's this guy?
- Here you go, boss.
How's this?
- Oh, no.
- [laughs]
- Bill.
That's not minor retouching.
- Rich people do this stuff
all the time.
- I never rowed in Germany.
Oprah never hoisted me
on her shoulders.
- She will.
Just play along.
One little lie
and your future is all set.
Do it for your mom.
- I mean, it is tempting.
I would feel better though,
if I was actually
good at the sport,
so it's not a total lie.
- Oh, that's not possible, Tom.
You stink at everything you do.
- No, I go--
- A bogus scholarship's
your only way, Tom.
- No, I refuse to accept
what you're saying.
You know what?
I'm gonna show everyone.
I'm gonna wake up early.
I'm gonna practice.
I'm gonna become intelligent.
And that way,
when I do get the scholarship,
I can look myself in the mirror
and say, "You did it, kiddo."
- I'm proud of you, Tom.
You're gonna be the most
successful person
in this whole family.
- Thank you.
That means a lot.
- Not really.
You come from a long line
of deadbeats and losers.
- Son, welcome to the world
of rowing crew.
- Here we are.
- You're entering a legacy
of sportsmanship.
- Oh, wow.
- You're one of the boys
in the boat.
- I love that.
- You know that story, right?
- No, not really.
- They looked at the Nazis
face-to-face, nose-to-nose
and they said,
"Hey, Hitler, I'll show you."
- I've got goosebumps.
- And well you should.
Tell you what.
Let's just shove off
and get started.
What do you say?
- Let's do it.
- You're doing
absolutely great.
Just keep on rowing.
Now, pull the oars in.
Very good.
Push the oars away.
You know what that's called?
- What?
- That's called rowing.
- Um, when do the actual
lessons begin?
You haven't really said much
except row the boat.
- Just row.
- Yeah, but this can't be
- You row your boat
gently down the stream.
- That's your advice?
- Well, you have to have
a direction.
You can't just willy-nilly row.
- Sir, can I ask you
a question?
- Go ahead.
- Do you have any idea
what you're doing?
- Course I do.
- It doesn't seem like you do.
- How much more
do you want from me?
- Your ad clearly said
you're the number two rowing
instructor in New Jersey.
- And I am.
- You? You're the second best
rowing instructor?
- No, I'm the number two rowing
instructor in New Jersey.
- What does that mean?
- Means I--number two.
I pooped in a boat once.
- You pooped in a boat once?
- What's pooping?
You tell me.
- Number two.
- Number two. There it is.
- This is crazy.
Does everyone just lie
about their accomplishments?
- I'm very upfront about it.
- I don't feel good about this.
Can we go back to the shore?
- Can I tell you something?
I'm lost right now.
- You're lost?
- I used to have a compass,
but that broke.
- Oh, my God.
This is not good.
This is not good.
[fog horn blows]
What's that?
- Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that thing.
- What do I do?
- I'm getting out of here.
I'm jumping.
- No. You can't leave
a little kid alone on a boat.
- Good luck to you.
- Oh, my God.
He's leaving.
- Idiot, get your boat
out of the water.
How dumb are you?
- Oh, this is not gonna look
good on my resume at all.
- Breaking news.
It appears that a seemingly
unintelligent boy has stolen
a boat and is veering it
into restricted waters.
Oh, this kid's never
going to college, Bill.
This will surely haunt him
forever.
- Remember
there's more road ♪
And places to go ♪
Patterns to contemplate ♪
More people to fornicate ♪
And remember
there's a lot of good omens ♪
Supplying the proof ♪
That our life is
the best joke ever told ♪
Remember it's a joke
and leave it alone ♪
Let go and try to be
always abiding ♪
Remember if there's
one good reason for dying ♪
The sweet silver lining ♪
Through you she lives on ♪
And therein lies a truth
we can sip when we want ♪
Disciples of the flow,
we can float anywhere ♪