That '70s Show s02e07 Episode Script
I Love Cake
Oh my God! Did you hear that? It sounds like a bloody hook scraping against the backdoor.
Whats wrong, youre like a millions miles away? I dont know.
Its just like my parents are fighting like all the time.
It just makes me so mad.
Like I wanna kick their asses but I cant.
I wanna do something! Okay Take me Donna! What?! Go ahead, take me! Punish your parents by using me for sex! Do your business and be done with it! Go ahead! Dont be shy! I can take it! ButGoddo be gentle! You didnt actually think that was gonna work did you? No, but Im a virgin and its driving me crazy.
But thats not your fault.
No wait, YES it is! How do you do that? Do what? You always make me feel better.
Uhm, well thank you.
I love you Eric.
I lovecake! Morning Bob! Mornin Red! Probably wondering why Im in your car eh? No.
Just get out and have a nice day.
Midgy and I got into a fight Red, and I walked out! Guess thatll teach her right? Well, youre the one sleeping in the car, Bob.
Right, well, thats cause when I stormed out, I sort of forgot some stuff.
You know, keys, wallet, blowdryer.
All I need now is a place to stay maybe with some friends? Well uhhhwe dont uhh have a blowdryer Bob.
Lauries got a blowdryer, I know! Cause shes had that Farrah Fawcett hairdo.
Thats not natural! You know, I wouldnt even need my own room, just a little corner to sleep in! Bob I really I mean, would youahh cripes.
Okay.
Ah thanks Red! Your my best friend.
No, Im not! Do you think when girls have sleepovers, sometimes they play games and giggle and then every once in a while they start out to make out altogether in a big naked heap? - I sure hope so! - Me too! Ahummm.
.
may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso ! Sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in the Wild Ones.
Yeah, Im so Brando! Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie! What are you even saying? I think you know what Im saying.
EYYYY! Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz? No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although I mean I like the Fonz you know hes kinda Fez?! Fonz, yes or no? Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.
Thank you Fez! Now, if I could just have a moment of your time? Sure! Good, yes.
Okay a gang of tugs has taken over our town! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope! I cant believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys cant even see that! Well you can both just Sit on it?! Why is Bob in my bathtub? You told me you sent him home, thats what you said, he went home! He did go home.
And then Midge kicked him out.
But he went home! Well, now hes back! Red, he is IN my bathtub! I cant have him in my bathtub! His afro-gel is gonna leave a ring! This isnt easy on me either Kitty! He tried to talk to me about his feelings! He almost started to cry! I really wanted to punch him! Bob cant stay here Red.
I know that makes me a bad person, I dont care.
Im bad so just lets get him out of here! Well then, go talk to Midge and fix it up.
Ahahahahhh! NO! You let the stray in, you find him a home! Its not that simple Kitty.
Do you want me to go to my unhappy place Red? Ill talk to Midge first thing in the morning Thank you Red, you wonderful husband.
Now, when youre done with the paper you get upstairs and scrub my tub! Okay, youre done! I wont do it! Well I wont either.
Well I dont know what the hell were gonna do! Kelso, it was brave of you to come back.
We gave you quite a ribbing.
Yeah, except for this time, I brought a hot fresh pizza! But its only for my friends who dont make fun of me! Mmmm pizza! Kelso man, I got a thousand insults and no pizza is gonna make me .
Is that sausage? Brilliant bastard! Guys, let me ask you something, Donna told me she loves me, and then I told her I love cake Thats not bad is it? Im still cool right? Okay, I dont know what happened, I just panicked and it popped out, I mean, I dont remember ever wanting to talk about cake.
I wasnt really that hungry.
Cake is good.
But you cannot have sex with cake! Ofcourse you cannot have sex with Donna either, so Yeah man, you shouldve just lied and told her that you loved her, I love you baby, see and I dont love you isnt that great? He DOES love her you dope.
Right? Okay, well, if I admit it, are you guys gonna make fun of me? Oh Eric, love is not a joke.
This is a joke: knock knock Whos there? Look if you really do love her, there is only one thing to do man! Youve got to dump her and live free! Dont listen to him man, hes stupid.
Heres what you gotta do: she said it, now youve got to say it! Then shell say it back and everything will be okay.
Oh and get her pizza, cause right now I kinda love Kelso! Yeah I can do that.
Ill just say it and then Ill be back on top again.
Allright! So now where was I when Fonzie here moved to town? Hey! Give that backtomundo! Eric! Eric, are you okay? What, yeah You look like youve got a stomach-ache or something.
No.
There is nothing wrong with my stomach.
Its just that Ilove you Man! Haha! And then he punched me in the arm and said: "Man!" Oh my God.
What a horrible disaster! Well go on! I guess I like totally screwed things up.
Cause ever since I said I love you hes been acting SO weird.
Okay wait a second, Im a little confused, why did YOU say I love you? Because Ilove him! Uh Donna! Thats got nothing to do with it! YOU are way too young to be saying I love you.
Shut up Jackie, you say it to Kelso all the time and you are like younger than me.
Not in love-years.
Alright look.
Eric doesnt know how to handle that kind of thing.
You probably just scared him off.
All you could do right now is play it cool for a while, turn down the emotional heat and Donna, God willing, hell forget you threw yourself at him.
I know it sounds impossible, but what you just said actually makes sense.
Look the sooner you realise Im a genius, the better off well both be! Oh, hi Red! Sorry I cant open the door, but I dont want Bob sneaking back into the house again.
Thats okay, I just came by to see how youre doing.
Oh Im working through some things.
Gotten past denial and Im well on my way to acceptance Yeah well couldnt agree with you more, well anyway Take Bob back! Red I cant do that right now.
Midge, Ive talked to Bob, and hes really sorry.
Now be a sport and take him back! I cant.
- TAKE HIM BACK MIDGE! - NO! TAKE HIM! NO! THIS ISNT OVER PINCIOTTI! Donna, check it out.
Hey Kelso! Popsicle! Where did it go? Perhaps it went under the couch? Jackie, lets get out of here, this is kinda lame Yeah sure.
Wait Donna! So Ill see you later? NO! Youre never gonna see me again! Ha! Shes a little pistol huh What did you do?! Nothing! I did what you said! I told her I loved her! Youre LYING! No its true! Exceptexcept, I might have.
.
you know popped her one on the shoulder and called her man.
You idiot! Wait! This isnt my fault! Its YOUR fault! You said if I told her I loved her shed say it back, but she didnt man! She just stared at me! Well did you give her a chance to answer?! How long did you wait before you completely muffed out? Forever man! Likefive minutes! Youre LYING! No its true, it was like well maybe just a couple of seconds, but I.
.
Time ceased to exist okay! I was just hangin out there, really far out there, justhangin ! Eric contributes in class but does not follow directions! MAN, where the heck is that fudgesicle?! Hey, is that my fudgesicle? No, this ones mine.
Damn, where is my fudgesicle?! Just tell me how am I supposed to fix this?! Well, first of all, you need to learn how to handle a little woman troubles without getting all freaked out.
Its pretty unmanly man.
Laurie! Hahahahahahaha! EYYYYYYY! Thats IT, I hate this stupid thing! Laurie laughing at me But Kelso, I thought we were supposed to handle our woman troubles like a man? You shut up! You just SHUT UP! And if anybody else here laughs at me, I swear, Im gonna kick SO MUCH ass! And thats MY fudgesicle! Im telling you man, that jacket is the best thing that ever happened to us! I cant do it now Kitty, hes sleeping! BOOOOOBB! Oh, Bob, youre awake! Hi! Lets see it was ehm it was no go with Midge.
She doesnt wanna see you.
Boy thats a shame Red.
Guess its you and me buddy.
Well thats a problem.
I like you Bob, you dont borrow my things, you keep your lawn mowed, but the fact of the matter is, youre a little bit youre kind of a Youre an ass.
Yeah? Well its not your fault.
Weve gotta stop pussyfootin around here and somehow get you back in that house! How?! Oh, its you.
Im NOT taking him back Red! No no no no, Im just gonna trim a few of these branches for you.
Oh okay.
HELP! Midge! Im trapped under this very heavy branch! HELP! OH MY GOD! RED! Are you hurt?! GO BOB! GOOOO! Im IN!! NOOO! Red, that was NOT nice! Im not sorry Midge! Great shot! And I love you.
Well the basket doesnt really count because I travelled.
You could never travel.
Because I love you.
Eric, youre acting like a huge dork.
A huge dork who loves you.
God stop it! Alright, look the only reason I said it is because I felt it.
And not just so youd say it back.
And if I knew you would get in such a twist about it, I wouldnt have said it at all! Im NOT in a twist! Its just cake okay that was pretty stupid.
Yes! Thank you! So, I mean, why did you say it? I dont know, I just now, once IT is out there, if we broke up, I mean, what would I tell myself then? I guess you could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you! Thats nice, there is a sweet girl Okay, look, I have an idea.
Why dont we pretend it just never happened? - I like that - Now.
- never happened! - Okay.
Thenyou DID travel soMy ball! Hi you two! Thought you might wanna know, Midge and I worked things out.
Well thats just great Bob! Yeah, were separating.
You cant stay with us! No, Ill be staying at home, were gonna live together, were just gonna see other people.
Okay Bob, how much did you think about this? Youre living in the same house, but youre dating other people.
Im not saying for sure therell be problems, but I want you to think about it.
Think hard Bob! I think its gonna be sexy! Oh Hyde! What a fabulous look for you! Seriously, you look like Marlon Brando or something! O my God! Hyde, when did you get so hot?! What?! Ive always been hot.
Jacket just brings it out.
No! No, give it to me, give me back my jacket! So.
.
theyre really gonna separate? Yeah, but theyre still gonna live together! O.
Wow.
Are you okay? Yeah, but I mean thats just the dumbest thing Ive ever heard! I mean, how is that supposed to work? Well, I imagine itll be like when Gilligan and the Skipper had a fight and they drew a chalk line down the center of their hut, that worked out great Yeah that solved all their problems! I love you.
I love you too.
Alright!! Are you going to clean the bathtub ? Yes I am No, it's just too horible, I can't let you do that Kitty.
Thank you honey.
You're welcome Kitty.
Eric, got a little job for you.
*_*
Whats wrong, youre like a millions miles away? I dont know.
Its just like my parents are fighting like all the time.
It just makes me so mad.
Like I wanna kick their asses but I cant.
I wanna do something! Okay Take me Donna! What?! Go ahead, take me! Punish your parents by using me for sex! Do your business and be done with it! Go ahead! Dont be shy! I can take it! ButGoddo be gentle! You didnt actually think that was gonna work did you? No, but Im a virgin and its driving me crazy.
But thats not your fault.
No wait, YES it is! How do you do that? Do what? You always make me feel better.
Uhm, well thank you.
I love you Eric.
I lovecake! Morning Bob! Mornin Red! Probably wondering why Im in your car eh? No.
Just get out and have a nice day.
Midgy and I got into a fight Red, and I walked out! Guess thatll teach her right? Well, youre the one sleeping in the car, Bob.
Right, well, thats cause when I stormed out, I sort of forgot some stuff.
You know, keys, wallet, blowdryer.
All I need now is a place to stay maybe with some friends? Well uhhhwe dont uhh have a blowdryer Bob.
Lauries got a blowdryer, I know! Cause shes had that Farrah Fawcett hairdo.
Thats not natural! You know, I wouldnt even need my own room, just a little corner to sleep in! Bob I really I mean, would youahh cripes.
Okay.
Ah thanks Red! Your my best friend.
No, Im not! Do you think when girls have sleepovers, sometimes they play games and giggle and then every once in a while they start out to make out altogether in a big naked heap? - I sure hope so! - Me too! Ahummm.
.
may I have your attention please?! I would like to introduce to you all the new Michael Kelso ! Sooo, what do you think?! Yeah, Jackie says it makes me look like Marlon Brando in the Wild Ones.
Yeah, Im so Brando! Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie! What are you even saying? I think you know what Im saying.
EYYYY! Jackie, did you dress me up like the Fonz? No Michael, I did not dress you up like the Fonz! Although I mean I like the Fonz you know hes kinda Fez?! Fonz, yes or no? Well you know me Kelso, I just want you to be happy.
Thank you Fez! Now, if I could just have a moment of your time? Sure! Good, yes.
Okay a gang of tugs has taken over our town! Help us Fonzie, you are our only hope! I cant believe you guys! Here I am, as Brando as can be, and you guys cant even see that! Well you can both just Sit on it?! Why is Bob in my bathtub? You told me you sent him home, thats what you said, he went home! He did go home.
And then Midge kicked him out.
But he went home! Well, now hes back! Red, he is IN my bathtub! I cant have him in my bathtub! His afro-gel is gonna leave a ring! This isnt easy on me either Kitty! He tried to talk to me about his feelings! He almost started to cry! I really wanted to punch him! Bob cant stay here Red.
I know that makes me a bad person, I dont care.
Im bad so just lets get him out of here! Well then, go talk to Midge and fix it up.
Ahahahahhh! NO! You let the stray in, you find him a home! Its not that simple Kitty.
Do you want me to go to my unhappy place Red? Ill talk to Midge first thing in the morning Thank you Red, you wonderful husband.
Now, when youre done with the paper you get upstairs and scrub my tub! Okay, youre done! I wont do it! Well I wont either.
Well I dont know what the hell were gonna do! Kelso, it was brave of you to come back.
We gave you quite a ribbing.
Yeah, except for this time, I brought a hot fresh pizza! But its only for my friends who dont make fun of me! Mmmm pizza! Kelso man, I got a thousand insults and no pizza is gonna make me .
Is that sausage? Brilliant bastard! Guys, let me ask you something, Donna told me she loves me, and then I told her I love cake Thats not bad is it? Im still cool right? Okay, I dont know what happened, I just panicked and it popped out, I mean, I dont remember ever wanting to talk about cake.
I wasnt really that hungry.
Cake is good.
But you cannot have sex with cake! Ofcourse you cannot have sex with Donna either, so Yeah man, you shouldve just lied and told her that you loved her, I love you baby, see and I dont love you isnt that great? He DOES love her you dope.
Right? Okay, well, if I admit it, are you guys gonna make fun of me? Oh Eric, love is not a joke.
This is a joke: knock knock Whos there? Look if you really do love her, there is only one thing to do man! Youve got to dump her and live free! Dont listen to him man, hes stupid.
Heres what you gotta do: she said it, now youve got to say it! Then shell say it back and everything will be okay.
Oh and get her pizza, cause right now I kinda love Kelso! Yeah I can do that.
Ill just say it and then Ill be back on top again.
Allright! So now where was I when Fonzie here moved to town? Hey! Give that backtomundo! Eric! Eric, are you okay? What, yeah You look like youve got a stomach-ache or something.
No.
There is nothing wrong with my stomach.
Its just that Ilove you Man! Haha! And then he punched me in the arm and said: "Man!" Oh my God.
What a horrible disaster! Well go on! I guess I like totally screwed things up.
Cause ever since I said I love you hes been acting SO weird.
Okay wait a second, Im a little confused, why did YOU say I love you? Because Ilove him! Uh Donna! Thats got nothing to do with it! YOU are way too young to be saying I love you.
Shut up Jackie, you say it to Kelso all the time and you are like younger than me.
Not in love-years.
Alright look.
Eric doesnt know how to handle that kind of thing.
You probably just scared him off.
All you could do right now is play it cool for a while, turn down the emotional heat and Donna, God willing, hell forget you threw yourself at him.
I know it sounds impossible, but what you just said actually makes sense.
Look the sooner you realise Im a genius, the better off well both be! Oh, hi Red! Sorry I cant open the door, but I dont want Bob sneaking back into the house again.
Thats okay, I just came by to see how youre doing.
Oh Im working through some things.
Gotten past denial and Im well on my way to acceptance Yeah well couldnt agree with you more, well anyway Take Bob back! Red I cant do that right now.
Midge, Ive talked to Bob, and hes really sorry.
Now be a sport and take him back! I cant.
- TAKE HIM BACK MIDGE! - NO! TAKE HIM! NO! THIS ISNT OVER PINCIOTTI! Donna, check it out.
Hey Kelso! Popsicle! Where did it go? Perhaps it went under the couch? Jackie, lets get out of here, this is kinda lame Yeah sure.
Wait Donna! So Ill see you later? NO! Youre never gonna see me again! Ha! Shes a little pistol huh What did you do?! Nothing! I did what you said! I told her I loved her! Youre LYING! No its true! Exceptexcept, I might have.
.
you know popped her one on the shoulder and called her man.
You idiot! Wait! This isnt my fault! Its YOUR fault! You said if I told her I loved her shed say it back, but she didnt man! She just stared at me! Well did you give her a chance to answer?! How long did you wait before you completely muffed out? Forever man! Likefive minutes! Youre LYING! No its true, it was like well maybe just a couple of seconds, but I.
.
Time ceased to exist okay! I was just hangin out there, really far out there, justhangin ! Eric contributes in class but does not follow directions! MAN, where the heck is that fudgesicle?! Hey, is that my fudgesicle? No, this ones mine.
Damn, where is my fudgesicle?! Just tell me how am I supposed to fix this?! Well, first of all, you need to learn how to handle a little woman troubles without getting all freaked out.
Its pretty unmanly man.
Laurie! Hahahahahahaha! EYYYYYYY! Thats IT, I hate this stupid thing! Laurie laughing at me But Kelso, I thought we were supposed to handle our woman troubles like a man? You shut up! You just SHUT UP! And if anybody else here laughs at me, I swear, Im gonna kick SO MUCH ass! And thats MY fudgesicle! Im telling you man, that jacket is the best thing that ever happened to us! I cant do it now Kitty, hes sleeping! BOOOOOBB! Oh, Bob, youre awake! Hi! Lets see it was ehm it was no go with Midge.
She doesnt wanna see you.
Boy thats a shame Red.
Guess its you and me buddy.
Well thats a problem.
I like you Bob, you dont borrow my things, you keep your lawn mowed, but the fact of the matter is, youre a little bit youre kind of a Youre an ass.
Yeah? Well its not your fault.
Weve gotta stop pussyfootin around here and somehow get you back in that house! How?! Oh, its you.
Im NOT taking him back Red! No no no no, Im just gonna trim a few of these branches for you.
Oh okay.
HELP! Midge! Im trapped under this very heavy branch! HELP! OH MY GOD! RED! Are you hurt?! GO BOB! GOOOO! Im IN!! NOOO! Red, that was NOT nice! Im not sorry Midge! Great shot! And I love you.
Well the basket doesnt really count because I travelled.
You could never travel.
Because I love you.
Eric, youre acting like a huge dork.
A huge dork who loves you.
God stop it! Alright, look the only reason I said it is because I felt it.
And not just so youd say it back.
And if I knew you would get in such a twist about it, I wouldnt have said it at all! Im NOT in a twist! Its just cake okay that was pretty stupid.
Yes! Thank you! So, I mean, why did you say it? I dont know, I just now, once IT is out there, if we broke up, I mean, what would I tell myself then? I guess you could tell yourself you still have cake, we both know how much it means to you! Thats nice, there is a sweet girl Okay, look, I have an idea.
Why dont we pretend it just never happened? - I like that - Now.
- never happened! - Okay.
Thenyou DID travel soMy ball! Hi you two! Thought you might wanna know, Midge and I worked things out.
Well thats just great Bob! Yeah, were separating.
You cant stay with us! No, Ill be staying at home, were gonna live together, were just gonna see other people.
Okay Bob, how much did you think about this? Youre living in the same house, but youre dating other people.
Im not saying for sure therell be problems, but I want you to think about it.
Think hard Bob! I think its gonna be sexy! Oh Hyde! What a fabulous look for you! Seriously, you look like Marlon Brando or something! O my God! Hyde, when did you get so hot?! What?! Ive always been hot.
Jacket just brings it out.
No! No, give it to me, give me back my jacket! So.
.
theyre really gonna separate? Yeah, but theyre still gonna live together! O.
Wow.
Are you okay? Yeah, but I mean thats just the dumbest thing Ive ever heard! I mean, how is that supposed to work? Well, I imagine itll be like when Gilligan and the Skipper had a fight and they drew a chalk line down the center of their hut, that worked out great Yeah that solved all their problems! I love you.
I love you too.
Alright!! Are you going to clean the bathtub ? Yes I am No, it's just too horible, I can't let you do that Kitty.
Thank you honey.
You're welcome Kitty.
Eric, got a little job for you.
*_*