The Addams Family (1964) s02e07 Episode Script

There, darling, I think it's sharp enough now.
Lovely, Morticia, querida mía.
Hurry up, Gomez.
Are you getting tired, Uncle Fester? No.
I like to pose, it's so artistic.
Good.
I want to get the inner you.
- Not with that! - That's just for carving.
That's what I'm afraid of! Not for carving you, for carving your likeness.
Let's have the real, the true, the unadorned you.
Beautiful.
Now, for immortality.
Don't move, don't look, don't even breathe.
- Don't worry - Don't.
That's it.
Hold it.
By Jove, I think I've done it.
Why, Gomez, you're the Michelangelo of Halloween pumpkins.
How do you like it so far? Darling, you have the soul of an artist, and the touch of a surgeon.
And now for the Halloween festivities.
Are you both ready? - Ready on the right.
- Ready on the left.
Good.
Now, when I count three and fire the pistol, it's every man for himself.
All right? One, two, three! Remember, the first one to get an apple in his mouth wins the Halloween prize.
Oh, dear.
There's the doorbell.
I'll get it.
Uncle Fester, I can't understand a word you're saying.
What I was trying to say was I was drowning! Well, it was worth it.
You won the prize.
Oh, goody! What do I get? This.
What kind of a prize is that? Well, I had planned it for Gomez.
I did so think he was going to win.
It was just Pugsley and Wednesday rehearsing their trick-or-treat approach.
Oh, dear.
They're already out there with their little bags, and we have nothing for the other children.
- I could give them each a walrus tusk.
- But darling, it's Halloween.
Two walrus tusks? No, no, no, dear.
They want little goodies.
Perfect! Bite-sized salamander sandwiches.
Make a couple of hundred, Lurch.
We're going to have a lot of trick-or-treaters tonight.
Mama, how's the porcupine taffy coming? About done.
Just have to add a few more quills.
And the punch, Uncle Fester? There she blows! Well, we're almost ready for the little trick-or-treaters.
When's the last time any of them came to our house? Eight years ago, but I do want to be ready.
Why, Wednesday, I didn't expect you until the morning.
Nobody home in the neighborhood? I told her to wear a nice ghost getup.
You probably scared people to death with that horrible costume.
I didn't scare anyone.
Pugsley's still out trying.
What's wrong? Didn't you have a good time? I had lots of fun.
Oh, darling.
What's this? Tears on our very own holiday? Why, all those nice witches and goblins flying around.
That's just it.
They told us there weren't any witches.
What? What fiend uttered that vile canard? Mr.
Thompson, across the street.
- What a terrible thing to tell a child.
- He should be horsewhipped.
If I were a horse, I'd whip him.
Well, I guess I'd better go up to bed.
If you can't believe in witches, what can you believe in? - Oh, Gomez.
- Poor little Wednesday.
One careless remark and the child's ideals are crushed.
Gomez, I think you ought to call that Mr.
Thompson - and tell him just what his lies have done.
- Excellent idea.
I still think he ought to be horsewhipped.
I'll get a horse.
Uncle Fester, you do not make friends by whipping people.
You're right, my dear.
We must be civilized about these things.
I'll reason with him.
Thompson, you lying scoundrel! What are these vile canards that you've been telling my children? What is he saying, dear? He doesn't know what a "vile canard" means.
How uncouth! Well, Thompson, what I mean is, what's the big idea of telling my children there are no witches? Really? You don't say.
Well, that's an interesting point of view.
Goodbye.
- Well, darling, did he apologize? - Not exactly.
He called me a nut.
Morticia, there are witches, aren't there? Oh, of course there are, darling.
Remember our Great-Great-Great-Aunt Singe? She was burned at Salem.
Come here, dear.
These are her ashes.
That's Aunt Singe, all right.
She still looks pretty good, too.
Well, that settles it.
We can't take this lying down.
We have to prove to that little girl that witches do exist.
If we could only get one witch to sit down and explain things to her.
Cara mia, that's a big order.
Where can we find a witch like that? - In the classifieds.
- Right, just look under "W".
No witches? Maybe their telephone numbers are unlisted.
Oh, no, here, darling.
Look.
Querida, that's witch hazel.
Oh, so it is.
Well, perhaps we'd better advertise.
Good thinking.
"Witch wanted, no questions asked.
" - It won't work.
- Why not? Want ads closed two hours ago.
Gomez, I have a truly inspirational idea.
- A second honeymoon? - No, darling.
If we want a witch, why don't we call on our own Aunt Singe? Won't that be a bit inconvenient? In the spirit, darling.
We'll hold a séance.
Oh, I love séances.
Last time I talked to my dear departed brother, Clump.
Did he answer? No, that's how I knew it was my brother, Clump.
He was a quiet one.
Then it's all settled.
We'll hold a séance tonight, and throw ourselves on Aunt Singe's mercy.
- You think she'll answer? - Well, of course! What right-thinking witch would turn down a child on Halloween? I always forget I frighten you.
On Halloween.
Sorry.
Forgive me, Thing.
Lurch, this is an emergency.
What are you doing tonight? The movies.
- Alone? - With Thing.
Forget it.
Tonight, you've got to stay here and help me.
Well, you've got to.
Imagine that Morticia and Gomez, thinking they can get a witch to pop up on an hour's notice.
Especially on Halloween, the busiest night in the year.
Do you realize how disappointed those children will be? I'm glad you feel that way, Lurch.
So Tonight, you are a witch.
Well, now, we're almost ready.
Oh, dear, did you alert Cousin Cackle in his cave? He's on his way over, darling.
Cousin Cackle.
Good of you to come, Cousin.
Same old gabby Cackle! Oh, Cousin Cackle, how good to hear your voice.
You know, since you moved out to the cave, the attic just hasn't been the same.
Why, of course, you may sit down.
Right over here, Cousin.
Sit down and make yourself comfortable.
Now, let's see.
Are we all here? Oh, yes, all except Pugsley.
He's still out tricking and treating.
Oh, why, of course, Thing, we wouldn't dream of starting without you.
At a séance, every hand counts! Now, we shall try to contact Aunt Singe.
Lurch! Thank you, Lurch.
- We'll need a serpent's tooth.
- Coming up.
- It was loose anyway.
- Thank you, darling.
Now Now, we should really have the jawbone of an ass.
Don't look at me.
Jawbone.
Oh, thank you, Lurch.
You think of everything.
Now, please put out the lights and bring me a candle.
Thank you, Lurch.
You may go.
Now, everybody hold hands and concentrate.
O noble spirits in your lofty sphere, look down upon this small ensemble.
Ensemble.
That's French.
Darling, please! I was trying to contact Aunt Singe.
Sorry, Aunty.
Take hands again and concentrate.
Oh, fire of Salem.
Oh, flame of Satan.
Come in, Aunt Singe, we're all awaitin'.
Come in, Aunt Singe.
Come in, Aunt Singe.
Please come in.
You called.
By george, she answered! She may be cinders, but she's a lady.
Hey, how do we really know it is Aunt Singe? Of course it's her.
I'll show you.
Hello, out there.
If that's you, Aunt Singe, knock three times and whistle twice.
If it isn't, whistle once and knock twice.
Wait, you'd better make that four knocks and two whistles, if you are and one short whistle and three long knocks, if you're not.
This is Aunt Singe.
There.
Aunt Singe, would you please say something to Wednesday? Hello, Wednesday.
Please, come see us.
Please! Just once.
Well All right.
Goody! We'll wait up for you.
Morticia, you've done it.
How could she resist such a loving invitation? You You rang? Yes, Lurch.
Put some hot coals in the guest room.
Aunt Singe is coming.
Welcome, Aunt Singe! Oh, cara.
- I hope Aunt Singe likes children.
- Oh, all witches love children.
Remember Hansel and Gretel? They almost wound up in an oven, but until then, that old witch couldn't have been nicer.
Couldn't possibly.
And then she wound up in the oven.
Some children are so unappreciative.
I hope Aunt Singe doesn't disappoint Wednesday.
I asked you to be a voice, not make a personal appearance.
Now where am I gonna find a witch? Hiring hall? I guess I'll just have to go out and see what's flying around.
Darling, am I disturbing your thoughts? No, querida, that's my favorite song.
Gomez.
I was playing It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary.
- Well, then that's my favorite song.
- You are an angel.
And a worried one.
What if Aunt Singe doesn't appear tonight? - Little Wednesday will be heartbroken.
- Oh, dear, that's true.
Maybe we should buy her a nice gift, just in case.
Capital idea.
What will it be? Well, you know how fond children are of pets.
A new pet, perfect.
I'll have Lurch get my hat.
I think the bell's out of order.
No problem.
- You rang? - My hat and cane, Lurch.
Thank you.
Problem is solved.
Such dash, such style, such savoir-faire.
Tish, you spoke French.
Darling, please! The pet.
Yes.
I'll be back in half an hour on this watch.
Twenty minutes on this one.
- Yes, Lurch, what is it? - Mr.
Addams.
Back so soon? Wants you to close your eyes.
Ah, yes.
A surprise.
Dear Wednesday will be so thrilled.
Very well, my love.
Open your eyes.
Gomez! What a lovely gift.
A yak.
Darling, that's a horse.
It is? There is a resemblance.
Resemblance? Look at these blue ribbons.
Oh, he won them? I bought them.
Thought they'd look nice on him.
They will, darling, they will.
Now, let's see, what shall we name him? How about Fido? Fido? For a horse? - Rover? - Much better.
- Ever see such lines on an animal? - Never.
He's highly trained, too.
Watch.
All right, now, Rover.
Ten-hut! Ever see a quicker, more intelligent animal? - He's almost human.
- He counts, too.
Watch.
All right, Rover, how many fingers? He hates to show off.
I'll make it a little easier for you.
How many now? By george, he guessed it.
Well, Aunt Singe.
Uncle Fester, does that look like Aunt Singe? - You mean, it isn't? - It's a horse.
Are you sure? Not only a beautiful animal, but smart, too.
He can count to ten.
Big deal.
I can count to 20.
- The horse didn't go to school.
- Neither did I.
Good point.
Oh, hello, Wednesday darling.
Come and see the new pet we have for you.
Do you like him? He's very nice, but I'd rather have a spider.
A spider or a horse, darling, what's the difference? But I'd rather have a spider.
All right, a spider it is.
A beautiful black widow spider.
- Back goes Rover.
Sorry, old man.
- No! I'll take him, and if I hear any more subversive talk from our neighbor, Thompson Horsewhip! Come on, Rover.
It's your turn, dear.
Here's the list.
You and your silly friends and their silly Halloween scavenger hunt.
But, Penelope, it's all part of the Halloween fun.
Fun, my foot.
But at least it got us out of the house, so I didn't have to face those pesky little trick-or-treaters.
Darling, you look just fine in your witch's costume.
It fits you perfectly.
- What? - I mean the size is right.
How much longer do you intend to keep up this nonsense? Just till we get the three last items.
Now, you try this house, and I'll try the next one.
Halloween! The ridiculous things people do on Halloween! - Look, I'm - I know.
Mama sent you.
Nobody sent me.
Then you must be Follow me.
Visitor from spirit world.
By george, you made it.
Welcome to our humble, earthly abode.
Well, have you people been on a scavenger hunt.
Could you spare a few things? I've got to find three items.
Would you have a Louisville bat, black? Gomez, darling, do they come in any other colors? From Louisville, I don't know.
But we can get you some hometown black bats from the attic.
Good evening, Aunt Singe.
Aunt Singe? I don't know what you're talking about.
You must have mistaken me for someone else.
Oh, no, no, no, we didn't.
That's an Addams face if I ever saw one.
Look at that chin, dear.
- Flabby, weak, receding.
- Beautiful.
Aunty, and here's a broom, and if you could do a few quick turns around the room, I'm sure Wednesday would appreciate it.
Turns? - The bats.
- Live bats! Why didn't somebody tell me Aunt Singe was here? I was just catching a little snooze, up in my tree.
Did you say up in your Oh, isn't that sweet.
Even Kitty cat's come down to welcome you.
The emotional reunion must have been too much for her.
Well, that's the way it goes on Halloween.
You have to keep on the move.
Oh, I'm so glad she kept her promise, and I'm very happy she's using our broom.
Listen everybody, I've got bad news.
Aunt Singe isn't coming.
- Oh? - Isn't coming? No, I just left her, and she said to tell you she's sorry, but on account of the big Halloween rush But, Mama, Aunt Singe was just here.
She was? Oh, yes, and whatever she told you about the holiday rush is quite true.
Why, she flew right out the window.
Yes, she even forgot her hat.
Beautiful.
We ought to do this every day! Oh, dear, there's the doorbell.
I'll get it.
What is it, darling? It's a note from our neighbor, Mr.
Thompson.
Oh, what does he say? Well, he says he apologizes for calling me a nut.
He's now convinced there are witches, and in fact he's threatening to call the police unless we get that witch off our roof.
There's a witch on our roof? - What's up? - There's a witch on our roof.
There's nothing of the kind.
- How do you know? - I was just up there.