The Cleveland Show s02e07 Episode Script

[SINGING.]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is the Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES.]
Time to gobble up your lunch, Geraldine, you jive turkey.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm gonna have to change your name to Luke Wilson because you've grown into a bloated slob who'll eat anything and is gonna die this month.
Have you seen the pizza, doughnuts and hamburgers I made Junior for lunch? It's all going to a worthy cause.
This will be our best holiday together since Yom Kippur.
[SINGING IN HEBREW.]
Cleveland, we're not Jewish.
Oh, that's right.
My writers are.
You have nothing to worry about this year, because guess who's coming.
Donna, we can't have guests.
That bird will barely serve the five of us.
And that cloning mess I tried didn't work.
When you gonna burn me them Glee DVDs? Shut up, turkey-clone.
My sister Janet's coming with her kids.
What? I hate her.
I hate all your sisters and your brother and your mom and your dad and your children.
- Well, I'm sorry, but Janet's coming.
- Boo, boo, Janet, boo.
Cleveland, that is not helpful.
- Janet is my - Boo, boo, Janet, boo.
- She's only coming for - Boo, boo, Janet.
Liar.
Stay somewhere else.
Are you done? - Good.
Janet's only - Boo.
Junior, you know how much I love Thanksgiving, right? Yeah, it's obvious.
Well, that's how much I don't love your stepmother's sister, Janet.
She thinks she's better than everybody just because she got all that money for having her foot run over by a city bus.
Cleveland, I wish you'd ask me before you start messing with the house.
You didn't complain when I put in the Murphy toilet.
ROBERTA: I'm in here.
- Sorry.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Diva alert.
Janet.
Look at you with your fine self, and your fine dress, and your fine shoes.
You look fine.
So this is what big-city success looks like.
How is Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill? Remember Dynasty? It's like that.
Oh, ho, ho, girl.
Hi, Brian.
Hi, D'Brian.
Come give your Aunt Donna some sugar.
[KIDS GRUNTING.]
Careful, boys.
Before I forget, is there someplace I can plug in my? I'm sorry, do you know what a Blackberry is? - Oh, it's like a typewriter phone.
- Mm, mm.
Ah, I tell you, it's so good to take a break from the fast pace of Tobacco Road and get back to Stoolbend where there's nothing going on.
It must be nice not to worry about how you look or what Italian restaurant you're gonna go to.
I don't think I'm brave enough to eat Italian.
That spaghetti stuff looks like worms to me.
You sound so ignorant right now.
Oh, hey, Cleveland.
Oh, Janet, so good to see you.
You look great, make yourself at home and so forth.
Great to see you too.
You haven't changed a bit.
[LAUGHING.]
Hi, Aunt Janet.
Roberta.
Aah! Look at you.
All grown up.
And working that ass.
Not a high, flat, Sinbad-Iooking ass like this guy.
CLEVELAND: No tears, Cleveland.
Be strong, for you and for Sinbad.
Aunt Janet, you still doing that thing on TV where you pick the lotto numbers? I don't know, you tell me.
Twelve.
Forty one.
Six.
Those are just examples.
She said numbers that were on TV.
Big deal, I was once on TV too.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to What's Happening! Hey, Shirl, which one of these is the chicken salad and which is the tuna salad? [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
That's tuna salad.
That's chicken salad.
[LAUGH TRACK.]
Mm-hm.
These are what's happening.
Mm, mm! And the woman won't shut her mouth.
Sometimes I just wanna say, "Can it, Janet.
" But then she'll say, "Leave, Cleve," and I don't have another one.
Of course, if I can get her to say "leave, Cleve" first, then maybe I JANET: Hey, Cleveland.
Can it, Janet.
Oh, please don't make me leave.
Move over, fool.
All day traveling with those kids, I need a stiff one.
So you're disqualified.
[LAUGHING.]
- Burn Notice.
- Ha! Next.
Four more of those and a cosmo for the lady.
[LAUGHING.]
[GRUMBLES.]
With a twist of lemon.
CLEVELAND: I've hated Janet since high school.
What's up, Doughboy? Doughboy.
Yeah.
I like that.
It suits you.
Because you're fat.
[LAUGHING.]
- Who are you? - This is Robert.
I met him at detention.
He's not like Cleveland here.
He pees standing up.
I always poop a tiny bit when I pee.
So, Donna, if you're done with Chumpty-Dumpty, Robert's all yours.
So, what were you in detention for? Having too much charis-mo.
That and a little bit of arson.
I think I can change him.
[SINGING.]
Thanksgiving's coming soon Pa rum pum pum pum The football starts at noon Pa rum pum pum pum Our finest snacks we bring Pa rum Oh, my head is killing me.
I need two Sprites, a 7-Up, six baby aspirin, and a Flintstones vitamin.
Dino.
- Girl, what did you do last night? HOLT: Me.
Rub a dub-dub.
Two men in two Tubbs.
Their last name is Tubbs.
I told you to go out the window.
No, Cleve's cool.
Boned your sister-in-law.
- What? - Hold up.
You slept with Holt? No way.
Ah, ha, ha! I bet this is the first Thanksgiving where you got stuffed by a turkey.
ANNOUNCER: Seasonal slam! Hey, Janet, look at when I put this little piece of meatloaf on this bigger piece of meatloaf.
Heh, heh.
A lot of people would say: "What's that big piece of meatloaf thinking being with that little piece?" But other people would say, "Good for that little piece of meatloaf.
" Ha, ha.
Like I'm the first girl to get drunk and sleep with a loser.
You probably need three shots of Jäger to roll around with this tub of lard.
I get thirsty at night.
Yes! Thirsty.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Oh, who did I invite over for an awkward encounter that I can laugh at? Look, Janet.
It's my neighbor and your Pee-wee adventure, Holt.
What's up, gorgeous? You didn't return my texts so I took that to mean you needed some face time.
- Look, about last night - Rob Lowe.
- You and me - Dupree.
- We - Women's Entertainment network.
Look at you two, finishing each other's sentences.
Why don't the two of you go out tonight? - The kids.
- Donna will watch them.
- I'm really tired.
- I made coffee.
- But I have a hair appointment.
- That's a lie.
Fine.
If it'll get your fat ass off my back, I'll go.
What's the classiest place in Stoolbend? ALL: Applebee's.
- Oh, I have a coupon.
I won't be needing that.
ALL: Ooh.
Dinner was actually kind of fun.
I've never been out with anybody who tipped a waitress a hundred dollars.
Eh! It's just a Benjamin.
Just a Benjamin that said, "Happy First Communion, Holt.
Love Grandma Bea.
" Saving it for a special occasion.
And you're pretty special.
[LAUGHING.]
Holt, you're crazy.
Crazy sweet.
Up.
JANET: Oh, Holt.
[LAUGHING.]
Still think it was a hilarious idea to send Janet and Holt out on a date together? I can't believe they stuck us with her kids all night.
Brian's okay, but D'Brian is the worst.
What? I think Brian's much worse.
Yeah, me too.
But it didn't sound as clever.
After the night we had, we could use a laugh, huh? [PHONE BEEPS.]
Wait.
Maybe that's them.
Oh, no.
It's just one of Holt's stupid Twitter updates.
Oh, he's been tweeting all night.
"Janet and I at OREO Speedwagon.
" It's an REO Speedwagon cover band that appeals to interracial couples.
Maybe the white half.
Listen to the rest of these: "Crushed a steak at the restaurant.
Ketel One, Ketel One, Ketel One.
Why is there no Ketel Two?" Ha-ha-ha.
That's good.
"Just landed in Vegas with Janet.
" They went to Vegas? That is great news.
Because the only thing that matters is Janet's happiness at any given moment.
Sure, she said she came to see me but then she sticks me with her bratty kids while she's out getting wined and dined at Applebee's.
Well, I wanna go to Applebee's.
Mm, me too.
Is it one of ours' birthday? This is just like high school.
Always acting like she's better than me.
Talking about, "Have I seen a Blackberry?" Bitch, I am a Blackberry! You think you a diva, Janet? Well, guess what? I'm a diva too! [SINGING HIGH NOTE.]
What is happening? This Thanksgiving, Janet's watching the kids.
All of them.
And I'm the one who's gonna have fun.
In Vegas.
We're going to Vegas! And we are going to have fun! [SINGING.]
Fun I'm a diva too.
[TURKEY GOBBLING.]
That would be tickets for two adults, five children and zero turkeys.
Okay, seven round-trip, same-day purchase, day-before-Thanksgiving tickets.
- Your total is $15,600.
- Huh? In that case, winged migration.
[CHEERING.]
I like these kid leashes.
White people are onto something.
Excuse me, have you seen a short, unattractive gentleman who's overcompensating by dressing flashy and loudly bragging about how drunk he is? Ah, yes.
He's right everywhere.
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro.
Bro.
Let me be more specific.
This particular short gentleman is with a tall, statuesque black woman.
Oh, Bill Maher is right there.
- Oh, hey, Donna.
- Hey, Bill.
I am so annoyed at Janet.
What kind of woman just runs off to Vegas and pays no attention to her children's well-being? Hmm.
And on Thanksgiving.
The holiest of holidays.
Yah! [KIDS GRUNTING.]
All right, let's get rich.
Dang, how are we supposed to know which one's hot? Come on, Junior, you're the math genius.
JUNIOR: The statistical probability of a three-tiered game.
Payout ratio of N to the X over square root of N minus four.
- Average number of attempts per jackpot RALLO: Jackpot! Yo, yo, Earth to Girth.
I won! I hit it big! No.
Uh-uh.
Get out.
I'm serious? Now we gotta find somebody who's old enough to cash in this ticket for us.
Excuse me, miss.
I was just wondering what a pretty lady like you is doing sitting over here all by herself? I'm an escort.
Well, if you help us cash in this ticket you can escort my colleague and me to dinner this evening.
Love to.
Just let me go change my underpants first.
You know what? Why don't we all do that? Meet back here in five.
No wait, 10.
It's you.
Beyoncé.
It's Beyoncé.
Beyoncé? Damn right I'm Beyoncé.
I'm married to Jay-Z.
He liked it.
He put a ring on it.
You are most gracious, Beyoncé.
[IN JAPANESE.]
- Milf alert.
- Got Milf? I'm Jon Gosselin.
Cleveland, it's Donna.
I've been to casinos on the strip, four off, eight all-you-can-eat buffets I worked a car show, drove a gypsy cab, walked through The Luxor Yuck.
- but no sign of Janet or Holt.
How about you? Nothing.
And I've looked everywhere too.
Even as we speak, I'm sitting here with the Las Vegas Police Department searching through the records of all incoming citizens.
Sipping coffee out of a little Styrofoam cup in a windowless room.
Staring at a flickering computer screen [CRYING.]
Oh, Donna, I'm at a pool.
I'm sorry.
I'll look, I'll find them.
This pool don't mean nothing to me.
I suppose I wanted to get caught.
I'm sick.
[SOBBING.]
Give me a break.
No time.
Gotta go find Holt and Janet.
Luke Wilson, make sure no one steals my goggles.
Cle-Bro.
Grub time.
They were out of sliders so I got you popcorn shrimp.
[CRYING.]
I told you I'm sick.
I found him an hour ago.
I was gonna tell you, but then I got hungry and thirsty.
Oh, Donna nobody is more disappointed in me right now than I am.
No fries? Holt, we're here to return these kids to their irresponsible mother.
Where is she? At King Dong's.
All male revue.
Bachelorette day.
We're getting married.
- What? - Holt a-said they get a-married.
Listen.
I'm sorry.
Holt, you don't wanna marry Janet.
Because of the C-section scar? Doesn't bother me.
Bothers me a little.
Cleveland, try and talk some sense into him.
I'll deal with my sister.
Yah! - Listen, Cleveland - Holt, Janet's got two children.
Children who need a father.
And trust me, being a father is a full-time job.
[LAUGHING.]
I'll admit I don't know much about being a dad, but I'm gonna try.
She's worth it to me.
Besides, I got the world's greatest dad as a teacher.
You.
I'll need a moment.
Thank you, Freddy.
Holt, you have my blessing.
- Wanna see pictures of her naked? - Yes, I do.
Mm.
Thank you, Freddy.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Donna.
What are you doing here? I heard you were getting married, so I got you a wedding gift.
Your children.
Janet, it's time for you to stop acting like a child.
Think I like being grown-up while you hook up with one random guy after another? You think I don't wanna sleep with every man who buys me a drink? Because I do.
All women do.
But I don't let myself because I have responsibilities.
And so do you.
If you're talking about the boys, their father's a pastor so they got God looking after them.
Look, Janet.
Marriage means something to Holt.
He's not some late-night host, or governor of South Carolina or the best golfer in the world.
Don't do this to him.
Donna, this is my life.
And I'd appreciate some respect on this blessed day.
["HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYING.]
Before we get started, no, I'm not an Elvis impersonator.
I just wear this costume to remind his family that he's dead.
Okay, on to the vows.
Janet, I have found in you the other half of myself that I never knew I was looking for.
Our souls have become intertwined like the weird scene in Avatar where they did it under the light-up tree.
We may not have much of a past but we have a long, long future ahead of us.
And I will always be here for you.
[SOBS.]
The Holt abides.
Died a drug addict on a toilet.
Some king.
Your turn, ma'am.
Look, Holt.
I can't marry you.
My sister's right.
You're too nice a guy for a party girl like me.
Oh, God.
I think I need a Red Bull.
Thank you, Freddy.
I'm just realizing that I'm not ready to settle down right now.
I'm sorry.
But I am open to being non-monogamous, long-distance boyfriend and girlfriend.
What does that mean? I'll sleep with you whenever I'm in town.
Do I still have to dress up like Austin Powers? I never asked you to do that.
Didn't have to.
Wedding's off, everybody.
But we're still gonna shag, baby.
[CHEERING.]
It was the first Thanksgiving where civilized people came together with a bunch of godless savages.
Much like today, as my family breaks bread with you, the human garbage of Las Vegas.
We welcome you, leathery showgirl joyless blackjack dealer creepy rape-vibe magicians and creepy rape-vibe Carrot Top.
I'd also like to welcome my son's escort my stepdaughter's Asian entourage.
We feed you long time.
I also want to acknowledge my teensy-weensy neighbor, Holt and my loosey-vavoosey sister-in-law, Janet.
Here's to them casually getting down until she gets pregnant and then they'll have some decisions.
[CHEERING.]
Would you like to do the honors? Dad, did you kill Turkey Luke Wilson? No, son, I didn't.
He had a coke-fueled heart attack at a strip club early this morning.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.