The Conners (2018) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Mold on cheese is fine, right? Isn't that cheese's whole thing? Hey, while you're in there, can you make room for a 20-pound turkey? Uh, I don't know.
Let me see.
Done.
What do we need a 20-pound Thanksgiving turkey for? Well, I always go with 2 1/2 pounds per person.
So, six meat-eaters there's your grandma, Bev Going out of town.
Oh, this is truly a time to be thankful.
What about Jackie? Mm, not gonna happen.
Or Becky.
They're still furious at me about not letting them rent The Lunch Box.
Come on, Darlene.
What the hell's going on here? I thought I asked you to fix all this.
Hey, D.
J.
, Mary, Mark, Harris they're all gonna be there.
Sure, but they're all boring.
All right, fine, what about Odessa? She's not boring.
She's a thief and a pot head.
Nope.
I banned her from the house.
Oh, please.
Just this one day, I really cannot take any more of Harris moping around here.
[Chuckling.]
Sure you can.
The whole family spent the last 40 years putting up with your moping.
You know, I always thought if we had money, you'd be clinically depressed.
Oh, God, that would've been sweet! Come on.
Let Odessa come.
You know, between the turkey and the weed, she's gonna be the first one to pass out.
Then we can draw on her face with a Sharpie.
- I do like that.
- Then we are done here.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, we are not done talking about Jackie and Becky.
Did you even try to patch things up with them? Yes.
I sent them a really nice text.
Let's hear it.
Oh, sure.
Um "Hey, Jackie.
I hate what this is doing to our family.
I love you and Becky very much, despite your extreme lack of awareness that your stupid idea could keep this family in dire poverty for another 100 years.
Sometimes, dreams are nightmares.
Please come to Thanksgiving.
" See? Doesn't matter what I say.
Come on.
You knew that wasn't gonna work.
Fine, but I have a right to be mad, too.
Just because Grandma Bev gave me power of attorney, they're turning me into some kind of villain.
Look, all we have to do is get everybody in the same room together.
We'll have a couple of beers, we'll watch "Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
" By the time John Candy says "Those aren't pillows," we'll be a whole family again.
That is an awful lot of pressure to put on a 30-year-old VHS tape.
Well, until something better comes along, we'll just have to be thankful for what we have.
Like our toaster brick.
02x07 - Slappy Hollidays [Knock on door.]
"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, guys! What are you doing here? We decided to come see the baby on our way home from school.
Isn't this pretty far out of your way? Yeah, but I was gonna take a picture of Beverly Rose for Grandpa 'cause he was saying how sad it would be if he died and never had a Thanksgiving with her.
At least this way, he can look at her picture.
Ohh.
That would be sad.
Wouldn't it, Becky? It would be, Jackie.
So sad! Unbelievable, using the kids to guilt us.
Okay, so, what's the next thing you're supposed to say? I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm supposed to say that since my mom's in Afghanistan, I really need my whole family right now.
But then I started to think about my mom not being there for real [Voice breaking.]
and I'm really sad, and I can't stop crying.
Grandpa Dan might have suggested the guilt, but the crying, that's from Darlene, isn't it? Yeah.
We really do want you there.
It sucks for the kids when the adults are fighting.
Please? I think we gotta.
[Sighs.]
All right, fine, we'll come.
But you tell Grandpa Dan that using kids isn't fair.
And I want you to say that Aunt Jackie deserves The Lunch Box and you're praying really hard every night that she gets it.
Grandpa Dan gave us a dollar.
What are you giving us? What about that stuff of Bev's we were gonna toss? You mean the treasures? Grandma Bev left some things here that we're keeping safe in a trash bag, but let's pretend that this is a mystery grab bag and whatever you pull out, you get to keep.
[Gasps.]
- [Gasps.]
Ohh! - Ohh! You got the carved coconut pirate head! She holds that when she talks about her trip to the Caribbean.
She's gonna miss that.
Good pull! LOUISE: [Chuckles.]
I can't believe you dug up our old yearbook.
- [Chuckles.]
- Look.
Oh! Here's what I wrote to you "2-Good-2-B-4gotten.
" Yeah, I was really impressed by the way you used the number 2 and the number 4 as words.
I mean, Prince didn't start doing that until way later.
[Laughs.]
I just wanted people to have a "bitchin' summer.
" [Laughs.]
Oh, look.
Here's what Roseanne wrote.
"This girl is a woman now.
See you in 2525 if man is still alive.
" - [Chuckles.]
- Wow.
Sounds like you guys had a pretty good summer.
The best.
Hey, what are your plans for today? Well, thought I'd drag myself to my sister's and listen to her brag about how loaded they are that they can rent a house boat on Lake of the Ozarks every year.
[As bumpkin.]
A house what floats on the water? [Laughs.]
I reckon you gotta be careful when you go to fetch your newspaper.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah, but I'm gonna get her back this year.
I'm giving her all my clothes that I'm "too small for" right before dinner.
"Enjoy your yams, Tiffany.
" [Laughs.]
Hey, why don't you save that little gift for Christmas and join us for dinner tonight? Hmm.
You want me at Thanksgiving? People will talk.
Ah, let 'em talk.
Besides, I could use an ally.
Things are a little tense between the kids over The Lunch Box.
Ah.
So, I'm a buffer.
No, you're a friend! But as a friend, if you want to be a buffer, I'll support you.
You know, I have a couple of pies in the car.
I baked them for Tiffany, so the crusts are made of lard and I doubled the sugar.
I can't believe how well this is turning out.
[Laughs.]
I like how none of your plates much.
Thanks, Odessa.
That's what happens when you steal them from different restaurants.
Set another place.
Louise is joining us.
ALL: Hey.
So, Grandpa, where should Louise sit? By Odessa or next to you? Oh, yeah, Dad.
Where do you want Louise to sit? Well, she comes with pie, so I want her next to me.
And do you know what? We're gonna give her the good lawn chair.
I'll hose it down for spiders.
Wow! How am I gonna go back to my ordinary life? Well, it's 4:00.
Turkey should be ready.
Let's not make this any more unpleasant than it has to be.
Ohhh! Great.
You're here.
Hey, Jackie.
Nice to see ya.
"Nice to see ya.
" Classic.
We hate Darlene.
This really isn't about you.
Hey, Louise.
Remember this? Huah! No, you don't remember it! 'Cause nobody saw me do my rifle routine senior year, 1974.
I didn't get to do the performance I worked on for weeks because your garbage band played too long.
It's garage band.
See ya at Christmas.
No, what? No, wait, wait, wait.
Please, please, please hold on.
Jackie, can I talk to you for a minute? [Exhales heavily.]
Here's a hard truth you've needed to hear for some time now.
Nobody wins a talent show twirling a toy rifle.
Never happened.
Never gonna.
Move on! Fine.
It's Thanksgiving.
I'll play nice.
Sorry, Louise.
Didn't mean to insult your "garage" band.
I appreciate that.
You know, after high school, that band went pro.
I made a living off it for 30 years.
Yeah, well, we'll never know where I would be now if people had seen my rifle - Jackie, no! - What? What?! Lean right.
The left is mostly duct tape.
Well, time to start drinkin'.
Brought some Mexican social sauce if anyone cares to join me.
- I'm in.
- All right.
See, Darlene, this is Bev's, and I'm in charge of it, but I'm still gonna share it, 'cause that's how it's done! Oh, that's a really good point.
A bottle of tequila is the same as an inheritance.
You can flush both down the drain.
Just for the record, I have never flushed tequila down the drain.
You know what? If you guys are just looking for a fight, then you should just leave.
Oh, no, no, I'm not gonna be the bad guy that bails on Thanksgiving.
No, this is a time when families gather together to judge those who are selfish and self-centered.
I'm in.
You're selfish and self-centered.
You're an old, bitter rat in a curly wig.
Sure would be a good time for turkey, Dan.
It should be just about ready.
Everybody, sit! Do you feel the tension? It's like something bad's gonna happen.
It's fantastic.
Uh, bad news.
325 in a 40-year-old oven equals food poisoning.
It's gonna be a couple more hours.
There it is.
Can I help, Daddy? Uh, no, this is really delicate stuff, honey.
I think I got it.
She could've done that.
We don't have to watch "Planes, Trains and Automobiles.
" What about football? You don't need a screwdriver for that.
Great idea! [Remote clicks.]
ANNOUNCER: You know when a team is down by six touchdowns, you really gotta salute the few fans that are left in the stands.
I don't know if my family is still watching, but here's a shout-out to my Meemaw.
96 next week still going strong.
Aww! To Meemaw! Sounds like a woman who'd give her kid a restaurant.
See ya.
Back before the turkey's ready.
Wow! Somebody smells like weed covered up poorly by Febreze.
Oh, that's me.
Kids, let's go in the kitchen and check on the turkey.
- Uh, where do you think you're going? - [Remote clicks.]
Odessa's place? No, you're not.
It's Thanksgiving.
And why would you go to Odessa's house when her parents are out of town? You know, they're out of town for, like, five years.
[Chuckles.]
What? Oh.
W-What are you talking about? Okay, I'm gonna tell you.
Odessa lives by herself.
It's hard to believe.
She's so personable.
I didn't say anything because I knew you'd make a big deal out of it, even though there's absolutely no reason to.
No reason? I let you spend the night there.
You lied to me.
You didn't know her friend lives alone? Good parenting.
Shut up! Why do parents need to be there? What do you think we're doing? What are you doing? We make s'mores, braid each other's hair, and dance around in our underwear for men on the Internet.
Problem? Hey, don't be a smartass.
Odessa's a terrible influence.
I didn't want her here to begin with.
Well, I'll fix that.
Peace out, bitches.
Is leaving an option? I-I didn't Apparently, leaving is only an option for strangers.
If you're family, you're trapped here.
Oh, good.
You finally get it.
I trust you, Harris.
Then again, I'm not a psycho control freak.
Hey, you know what? You got your own kid to screw up now.
Stay away from mine.
Hey, take it down a notch.
Hey, don't yell at Becky 'cause you're in over your head in all parts of your life.
Oh! [Laughs.]
Hilarious coming from you.
No, you know what's hilarious, is the person who was sleeping around and neglecting her kids is the one telling everybody else how to live their life.
Yeah, have another glass of water, Jackie! Dilute some of that tequila! This isn't tequila talking! This is the truth! You think you're the almighty decision-maker around here?! Huh?! You think you can replace Roseanne as the mom of this family?! - What a joke! - Jackie, enough! You want to talk about my mom? Let's talk about her! 'Cause she spent her entire life trying to fix you, and every time she picked you up, you fell down.
You know why? 'Cause you're a loser and you were the bane of her existence! [Gasps.]
Don't you ever touch my mother! Why did they send us upstairs? We heard everything from the kitchen.
I want to know what's going on.
Get away from the door.
You're not supposed to hear that stuff.
It's really quiet.
I hope my mom didn't kill Aunt Jackie.
If she goes to prison, we'll be the family with the mom in prison.
Which is weird, because most people have a dad in prison.
All I know is, I think Aunt Jackie's going crazy.
They're all crazy.
They're all old.
Their lives didn't turn out the way they thought, and now they're all hitting each other.
Wow.
Beer and tequila going from the house to the garage.
It's the first time alcohol's ever flowed in this direction.
Well, I think you made a wise decision.
Call me crazy, but I don't think the alcohol was helping.
Neither was the buffer.
You suck at this.
Hey, you don't need a buffer.
You needed a riot cop and some tear gas.
Would you be upset if I went home? Would you be upset if I went with you? Run.
Go.
Here's what you gotta remember when these things happen.
Roll the beer back and forth so you don't get freezer burn.
Look, I know I said some ugly things, but Jackie said some pretty ugly things, too.
I mean, I can't believe she slapped me.
Really? I can't believe she waited this long to slap you.
- What? - Think about it.
As far as she's concerned, you stole her inheritance.
Well, that's her problem.
No, it's our problem.
The family's.
And we're gonna work this out right now.
[Groans.]
Mark! Mary! Come on down from the top of the stairs.
I know you're up there listening.
I didn't want to spy, but Mark made me.
So hit him.
Nobody's hitting anybody.
All right.
In this corner, hailing from Lanford, Illinois, the Sultan of Slap, the Antagonizing Aunt, the Queen of Crazy, Jackieeeeee "Open Hand" Harris! You're not helping, Dad.
And in this corner, weighing in at 95 pounds soaking wet the Vicious Vegan, the Nasty Niece, the Raja of Retort, Darleeeene "The Darkness" Conner! All right, shake hands, no low blows, and come out apologizing.
[Voice breaking.]
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
It's just that when you were talking, I was hearing my mother.
I was slapping her, not you.
Yeah, it really felt like you put your hip into it.
You know, I shouldn't have said those terrible things.
I shouldn't have, either.
And I shouldn't have enjoyed it so much.
All right.
You two want a restaurant.
You want everybody to get some money when Bev goes.
There's gotta be some kind of compromise here.
I don't even care about some stupid inheritance.
I just want everyone to get along.
I don't care about the stupid inheritance, either.
Look, I'll be honest I could use that money.
But it's not worth all this.
All right.
I'm willing to bet on Jackie and Becky because I believe in your ability and your desperation.
I am desperate.
Thanks, Dad.
Well, I mean, if that's how you all feel, I don't even know who I'm fighting for except me and Harris, and I actually look forward to telling her she just lost a lot of money.
Majority rules.
You got yourself a restaurant! I'm gonna make this work just to prove you wrong! Man, I hope you do.
And I just want to say I really appreciate you rolling over because you were forced to by others.
You are welcome.
- Can I hug you? - If you must.
Okay, I'm gonna come in slow on the left - [Groaning.]
- and then tuck in on the right nice and easy.
- Let me know how the pressure is.
- [Groaning.]
Oh, God.
This is worse than being hit.
[Chuckles.]
Promise me we'll never fight like this when we get old.
Oh, I'm not getting old.
Moving out.
Bye.
What? What are you talking about? You guys are drunk and fighting and slapping each other.
And you can't trust me to behave myself? Odessa just invited me to live at her house.
I'm out.
You can't leave this house till you're 18.
Really? Because the only one fast enough to catch me is Becky, and she's on my side.
Holler! I'm going to Odessa's.
Okay, whoa, whoa.
E-Everybody slow down, okay? It's been a bad night.
Nobody's eaten.
Apparently, there's not gonna be any turkey.
30 minutes away.
45 at the most.
So, it's fine if you go to Odessa's tonight, but I want you back here in the morning, and we are gonna talk.
Whatever.
- [Door closes.]
- So that's it? You're just gonna let her walk outta here like that? She has a friend with an apartment.
She might not come back.
She just needs to make a point.
I mean, we all come back.
Right, Becky? Hey, I live with Jackie now! But I am moving back in tomorrow.
Let's go eat the skin off that turkey! It should be almost done by now.
[Exhales heavily.]
Are you sure you're doing the right thing with Harris? [Scoffs.]
No.
You know, for the first time in a long time, I wish you could drink with me.
You've ruined one life tonight.
Isn't that enough? Wow.
I can't believe you came back.
I didn't come back for you.
These are my pies.
How'd it go at your sister's? Well, my brothers got into a fistfight, took it out on the street, the cops came, and then they tased my aunt while she was trying to break it up.
Wow! That's way better than us! You said there wasn't any pie left.
There isn't.
You're clearly having a dream.
No, I'm not! I'm awake.
My mom got slapped, and my sister left.
I deserve pie.
Oh, Mark, Marky, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark.
Here's the thing about life sometimes, bad things happen and you still don't get pie.
Oh, come here! I'm kiddin'! Sit down.
Watch me eat pie.