The Cosby Show s02e07 Episode Script

HEY, DAD! SEE YA, DAD.
HEY! HEY! COME DOWN HERE! THIS IS A BANISTER! WHEN YOUR MOTHER AND I BOUGHT THIS HOUSE WE CHERISHED THE FACT THAT WE HAD A BANISTER.
WHEN WE WALKED UP THE STEPS YOUR MOTHER, ESPECIALLY-- I LOVE THE WAY SHE WALKED-- WITH A LIGHT TOUCH AND SHE CAME DOWN.
WE HAD CHILDREN.
NOW LOOK AT IT! A PITIFUL, WEAKENED BANISTER.
I'LL FIX IT.
NO! I DON'T WANT YOU TO FIX ANYTHING! IF THIS BANISTER SEES YOU COMING WITH A HAMMER IT WILL RUN AWAY.
CALL MR.
LUCAS.
ASK HIM TO COME FIX IT.
OKAY, DAD.
CLAIR: CLIFF? I HOPE YOU'RE READY! DENISE HAS NEWS FOR YOU! * I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE! * OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ! * I PASSED MY TEST! OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! * I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO PRETEND YOU COULDN'T FIND THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES! BUT SHE CAUGHT ON.
( TELEPHONE BUZZER ) YES? OH, PUT THEM IN THE OFFICE.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
I HAVE TO GO DOWN TO THE OFFICE.
NOW? YES.
WE NEED TO DISCUSS SOMETHING.
WHAT? IT'S OKAY.
I'LL WAIT.
I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.
WHAT IS IT? IT'S OKAY.
* I GOT MY LICENSE * SHE WANTS TO BORROW YOUR CAR.
NO, I THINK SHE WANTS TO BORROW YOUR CAR.
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY? IT'S A STATION WAGON.
DO TEENAGERS DRIVE STATION WAGONS? I BETTER HIDE MY CAR.
TWO O'CLOCK.
RIGHT, MR.
LUCAS, I'LL TELL MY DAD.
SO, HOW'D IT GO? * I GOT MY LICENSE! * ALL RIGHT! YOU CAN TAKE ME OUT! WHEN I GET MY CAR.
YOU'RE GETTING A CAR? MOM AND DAD DON'T KNOW YET.
I FOUND ONE FOR $1,600.
THEY'LL NEVER GIVE YOU THAT.
I HAVE IT.
YOU DO? IN MY SAVINGS.
I NEED THEIR PERMISSION.
I'M WAITING TO ASK THEM.
BEFORE THAT I THINK YOU AND I SHOULD TALK ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY.
OH? I WANT YOU TO DRIVE SAFELY.
WEAR YOUR SEAT BELTS.
CHECK THE OIL.
AND NEVER LET ANYONE IN THE CAR WHO'S BEEN DRINKING.
WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS? YOU HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE.
IF YOU MESS UP, THEY'LL NEVER LET ME GET MY MOTORCYCLE.
THIS IS FOR YOU? IT'S IMPORTANT FOR A YOUNG MAN TO HAVE WHEELS.
WHY? BECAUSE HE WHO WALKS WALKS ALONE.
WELL DOCTOR, MY HUSBAND, PAUL.
GLAD TO MEET YOU.
THANK YOU.
I CALLED YOU BOTH DOWN HERE, MRS.
KENTON BECAUSE OF THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RESULTS FROM YOUR TEST.
EVERYTHING'S OKAY, ISN'T IT? EVERYTHING'S FINE.
YOU'RE PREGNANT.
HOW DID IT HAPPEN? WELL, YOU SEE, YOU HAVE THESE TWO BEES I DO KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS; I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW I COULD MAKE IT HAPPEN.
THE HUMAN MALE IS QUITE CAPABLE INTO HIS 70S AND FOR SOME, BEYOND.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.
WELL, I DIDN'T DO IT.
DONNY WILL HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER OR SISTER.
DONNY IS YOUR SON? HE'S 26.
HE HAS A BOY OF FIVE.
OUR CHILD WILL BE YOUNGER THAN OUR GRANDCHILD.
YES! THE UNCLE OR THE AUNT WILL BE YOUNGER THAN YOUR GRANDCHILD.
THE AUNT OR UNCLE WILL BE YOUNGER THAN THE NEPHEW.
BUT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT BECAUSE YOU TWO WILL BE OLDER THAN EVERYBODY! I THINK THAT WE SHOULD TREAT THIS CASE WITH A SPECIAL SORT OF MANNER, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT APPOINTMENTS FORGIVE ME, DOCTOR.
I WAS JUST THINKING WHEN I BEND OVER TO PICK UP THIS CHILD I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO GET UPRIGHT AGAIN.
SORRY, DOCTOR, PLEASE GO AHEAD.
NOW, I THINK THAT IF IT'S ALL RIGHT-- TUESDAY, 10 A.
M.
FINE, DOCTOR.
COME ALONG, MOMMY.
WE'LL HAVE A SPECIAL CELEBRATION.
THAT'S WHAT GOT US HERE! THANK YOU, DR.
HUXTABLE.
WE HAVEN'T HAD SUCH A GOOD LAUGH IN YEARS! YOU SHOULD LAUGH MORE.
( CHUCKLING ) WHAT'S SO FUNNY? I JUST TOLD A COUPLE THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.
YES? ( LAUGHING HARDER ) WELL, SHE'S AROUND FORTY- AND HE'S ABOUT FIFTY- YEARS OLD! AND SO WHEN I TOLD THEM, THEY GOT AND? AND SO I TOLD THEM THEY WERE HAVING A BABY.
YES, AND? I TRIED NOT IT WAS FUNNY WHEN I WAS SITTING THERE.
GREAT, DAD'S LAUGHING.
I SAY STRIKE NOW.
BUT REMEMBER, MY FUTURE AS A MAN DEPENDS ON THIS.
HI! HI.
HI.
YOU LOOK COMFORTABLE.
WE ARE.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU CAN'T BORROW MY CAR.
I DON'T WANT TO.
SHE WANTS TO BORROW YOURS.
I NEED MINE.
NOT YOURS, EITHER.
I WANT MY OWN.
I'M GLAD WE'RE SITTING DOWN.
I FOUND THIS GREAT USED CAR FOR ONLY $1,600.
I WANT TO USE THE MONEY IN MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT SINCE I'VE BEEN SO GOOD AT SAVING.
YOU HAVE BEEN GOOD AT SAVING? YEAH.
YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET AT THAT MONEY EVER SINCE WE OPENED THE ACCOUNT.
I HAVE NOT! REMEMBER THE TIME SHE FOUND THE BRACELET AT GRENDEL'S? CALLED ME ON THE PHONE! "I HAVE FOUND THIS BRACELET.
BRING ME MY MONEY.
" I CHANGED MY MIND.
AFTER I WENT AND CHANGED IT FOR YOU.
THAT WAS ONE TIME.
RIGHT.
AND THE STEREO STORE? THE WATERBED? BETTER YET-- WHAT ABOUT WHEN THE FISH ARRIVED-- C.
O.
D.
AND D.
O.
A.
! I WAS YOUNG THEN! I REALLY WANT THIS CAR.
REALLY WANT IT? FINE.
I'LL TAKE A LOOK.
DON'T BOTHER.
MONICA AND I TEST DROVE IT.
WHAT? YOU AND MONICA? YEAH! I'LL GO CHECK THE CAR OUT.
GO AHEAD BUT I'VE MADE MY DECISION.
REALLY? MOM, YOU KNOW WHAT HE'LL DO? HE'LL SEE ONE SCRATCH AND SAY "NO.
" DENISE, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THIS MONEY IF DAD DOESN'T APPROVE.
CLAIR: NOW WAIT! IT'S MY MONEY AND MY ACCOUNT! I'M NOT ASKING FOR YOUR MONEY.
I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.
ARE WE STILL IN AMERICA? HI, MOM AND DAD! DENISE, CAN I SEE YOU A SECOND? CLIFF: THEO! IT'S IMPORTANT.
WAIT IN THE KITCHEN.
DO YOU WANT TO GO FIRST, OR SHOULD I? I WANT TO GO FIRST.
OKAY.
SIT HERE.
YOU'RE READY TO BUY THIS CAR JUST LIKE THE BRACELET THE WATERBED AND THE DEAD FISH.
MM-HM.
RIGHT NOW YOU CAN DO ANYTHING BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE'LL ALWAYS BAIL YOU OUT.
MM-HM.
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WE DO IT.
MM-HM.
WE ACCEPT THAT RESPONSIBILITY BECAUSE WE'RE YOUR PARENTS AND YOU BETTER REMEMBER THAT, YOUNG LADY.
IF YOU EVER TAKE THIS ATTITUDE AGAIN YOU CAN TAKE WHATEVER IS IN THAT BANK ACCOUNT AND GO DISCOVER AMERICA.
I'M SORRY.
AH HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE? $1,600.
AFTER YOU PAY FOR THE CAR HOW MUCH MONEY HAVE YOU LEFT IN THE BANK? NOTHING.
WHAT ABOUT INSURANCE? I'LL GET SOME.
A GIRL YOUR AGE, LIVING IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD WOULD HAVE TO SPEND AT LEAST $800 A YEAR.
$800? OF YOUR MONEY OF WHICH YOU HAVE NONE IN THE BANK.
AND GAS? YOU HAVE TO FILL THE TANK.
WITH YOUR MONEY OF WHICH YOU HAVE NONE.
DAD! WHAT ABOUT OIL CHANGES AND TIRES? I GUESS I DIDN'T THINK.
WELL, YOU SEE, YOU MENTIONED AMERICA A LITTLE WAYS BACK.
THAT'S WHAT AMERICA IS ALL ABOUT, I GUESS-- TO OWN A CAR AND HAVE NO MONEY, AT ALL AND JUST DRIVE AROUND AND BILLS ARE PAID.
AND YOU JUST SAY: "WELL, HEY, I'M IN AMERICA.
" LOAN ME THE MONEY? I SWEAR I'LL PAY YOU BACK.
YOU ALREADY OWE US $472,000.
WELL, COME ON-- LET'S GO LOOK AT THIS CAR.
KNUCKLEHEAD.
* I GOT MY LICENSE! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! * THAT'S YOUR CHILD.
THIS IS A RICKETY BANISTER.
I MOSTLY USE THE BACK STAIRS.
MR.
LUCAS, WOULD YOU CHECK THE BACK STAIRS, AS WELL? NO PROBLEM.
WELL, I CAN FIX THIS.
GREAT.
BUT I'LL HAVE TO TAKE THE BANISTER.
VANESSA, SPREAD THE WORD.
I DON'T WANT TO FIND MY FAMILY BALLED UP AT THE BOTTOM OF THESE STAIRS.
RIGHT, MA.
YEAH, SURE.
JUST A FEW MINOR ADJUSTMENTS.
HOW DID IT GO? HOW DID IT GO? IT'S A FINE CAR IF YOU DON'T WANT TO STOP.
DENISE: DADDY! PLEASE GET ME SOMETHING TO DRINK.
WHOA, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A CAR NOW.
WHEN THE MAN SAW THAT SHE BROUGHT HER FATHER, HE SAID: "I CAN'T FIND THE KEYS FOR THE CAR.
" SO I SAID: "I CAN'T FIND THE MONEY.
" SO THE MAN FOUND THE KEYS.
WE GET INTO THE CAR.
THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL LOOKING CAR.
IF DENISE IS SITTING IN THIS CAR HER FRIENDS WILL SAY, "LOOK OUT, DENISE" OR "CHILLY DOWN," OR "COOL BACK" OR WHATEVER THESE PEOPLE SAY.
I PUT THE KEY IN THE IGNITION TURNED THE THING AND IT WENT DAD! DAD, NO! THE TWO OF US ARE SITTING THERE BUT IT'S NOT RUNNING YET.
IT'S THINKING ABOUT IT.
AND THE CAR-- JUST THE RIGHT SIDE NOW-- SAID AND SHE'S SITTING THERE LIKE THIS-- LIKE SHE'S DANCING.
IT HAS NOT STARTED UP YET.
THE CAR HAS NOT STARTED UP YET.
I PRESSED DOWN ON THE GAS.
YOU THINK I'M LYING.
THE CAR SAID, "WHAT?" I'M NOT LYING.
SO I PUT THE THING IN REVERSE.
I LET GO OF THE EMERGENCY BRAKE, AND PUSHED DOWN ON THE GAS AND THE CAR SAID: "OH, YOU WANT TO GO BACKWARDS.
" SO NOW WE BACK OUT.
AND THE THING TAKES OFF.
AND NOW IT'S VIBRATING.
I MEAN, THIS MOTOR I LOOK IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR AND WHATEVER I'M GOING TO RUN OVER THERE'S 12 OF THEM.
SHE'S SITTING THERE BLAMING ME.
"DADDY!" OKAY, DAD, A FEW MINOR ADJUSTMENTS.
HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK IT WILL COST TO FIX THIS CAR UP? I DON'T KNOW-- $200.
$200! FIRST, YOU'VE GOT A MAJOR STEERING PROBLEM.
YOU GET A NEW WHEEL.
THE WHEEL WAS THE BEST THING ON THE CAR.
HI, DR.
HUXTABLE, DENISE.
HOW ARE YOU? HEY.
CAN I WASH MY HANDS? OH, SURE.
LOOK, WE'LL GO LOOK FOR A CAR-- A NICE, SAFE, USED CAR.
UGLY.
NO, IT WON'T BE.
WE'LL LOOK FOR A NICE, SAFE, USED CAR.
OKAY.
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A USED CAR? YES, MR.
LUCAS.
DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO'S SELLING A USED CAR? MY AUNT MARGARET.
IT'S A 1962 OLDSMOBILE STARFIRE-- MINT CONDITION.
DAD! JUST COOL IT A SECOND.
DOES YOUR AUNT MARGARET KNOW THAT SHE'S SELLING HER CAR? SHE ASKED ME IF I KNEW ANYBODY THAT WANTED TO BUY IT.
IT PROBABLY DOESN'T HAVE A RADIO.
I PUT ONE IN.
YOU DID? TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
CAN WE? I DON'T SEE WHY NOT.
COOL.
IT'S RED, WITH A SILVER STREAK ALONG THE SIDE.
LOOKS LIKE A ROCKET.
I WAS IN A ROCKET THAT WENT BACKWARDS.
THEO, CAN I HAVE HALF? RUDY, IT'S TOO HARD TO BREAK.
WAIT.
OKAY, RUDY.
TURN AROUND FIRST.
ARE YOU GOING TO EAT SOMETHING YOU HAD TO USE A HAMMER ON? IT'S ONLY CANDY.
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED BREAKING YOUR TEETH I WANT YOU TO BRUSH THEM.
OKAY.
WHEN WAS YOUR LAST VISIT TO THE DENTIST? I SHOULD BE MORE RESPONSIBLE.
THANK YOU.
I THINK DENISE IS BECOMING MORE RESPONSIBLE.
YOU DO? IT WAS SMART TO BRING DAD ON THE TEST DRIVE.
OH, YOU THINK SO? ABSOLUTELY! IT'S IMPORTANT TO INCLUDE YOUR PARENTS IN BIG DECISIONS.
UH-HUH.
I WANT YOU AND DAD TO BE WITH ME WHEN I GET MY MOTORCYCLE.
NO.
I'LL WEAR A HELMET.
NO.
THEY GET GREAT MILEAGE.
NO! ( CAR HONKING ) OH, WOW! DAD, I LOVE IT! THIS ONE'S VINTAGE.
THEO: WHAT IS IT? DENISE: A 1962 STARFIRE.
DRIVES LIKE A DREAM-- DOESN'T IT, DR.
HUXTABLE? IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
DAD'S MECHANIC SAYS IT'S IN EXCELLENT CONDITION.
THIS THING WOULD PROBABLY COST MORE THAN A NEW MOTORCYCLE WOULD.
THEO, NO.
DADDY, I WANT THIS CAR.
ARE YOU SURE? YES.
IT LOOKS GOOD.
MR.
LUCAS-- I'D GIVE ANYTHING FOR THIS CAR.
LET ME HANDLE IT, OKAY? I WANT THIS CAR.
BUT WE WANT TO GET IT FOR A PRICE YOU CAN AFFORD.
DENISE, LEAVE IT UP TO DAD.
WHEN IT COMES TO SOMETHING WE WANT DAD ALWAYS COMES THROUGH FOR US.
THEO.
YEAH, DAD? NO.
DAD, DON'T BLOW THIS.
YOUR DAUGHTER SEEMS FOND OF THE CAR.
YEAH.
WHAT'S IT WORTH? IT'S HARD TO SAY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR IT? I WANT A FAIR PRICE.
I WANT TO GIVE IT TO YOU.
WE SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM.
WHAT'S YOUR FAIR PRICE? WHAT DO YOU THINK IS FAIR? I THINK MY DAUGHTER WOULD BE HAPPY PAYING $500 FOR IT.
I JUST HUNG UP ON YOU.
YOU WANT ME TO DIAL AGAIN? I HOPE I'M HOME.
$750.
I HEAR IT RINGING.
$850.
HELLO.
NICE DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
I WANT TO CALL AUNT MARGARET.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU OWN A CAR.
I HAVE A CAR? THAT'S SO COOL.
AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU PAID FOR IT? HOW MUCH WAS IT? $850.
I MADE A GREAT DEAL.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.
IT'S SO COOL.
YOUR CAR DRIVES BEAUTIFULLY.
AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU DRIVE.
THANK YOU.
I WAS IMPRESSED ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE PULLED UP TO THE FOUR-WAY STOP SIGN AND JUST LET CARS GO-- EVEN THE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU.
IT WAS JUST WONDERFUL.
YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAUTIOUS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
SHE MUST PASS THE HUXTABLE QUIZ.
YOUNG LADY, QUESTION #1: A FRIEND OF YOURS WANTS TO BORROW THE CAR.
DO YOU GIVE HER YOUR KEYS? I DO NOT.
OKAY.
LET'S SAY YOU ARE DRIVING DOWN THE STREET.
YOU SEE A FINE HUNK OF MASCULINITY.
HE'S GOT A SMILE LIKE NAT KING COLE.
DO YOU STOP THE CAR? I DON'T STOP.
OKAY, MULTIPLE CHOICE.
ALL RIGHT.
YOUR CAR IS IN NEED OF A REPAIR.
DO YOU: A) COME TO US FOR THE MONEY.
B) FIND A WAY TO GET THE MONEY YOURSELF.
C) FIND A WAY TO GET THE MONEY YOURSELF.
D) FIND A WAY TO GET THE MONEY YOURSELF.
CAN I COME BACK TO YOU? NO.
B, C, AND D.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU PASSED.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
HEY, HEY, HEY! DAD, WE JUST GOT THAT REPAIRED.
I'M JUST TESTING MR.
LUCAS'S WORK.
RIGHT.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
COME AHEAD.
I DON'T WANT TO GET A MOTORCYCLE.
YOU DON'T? I FOUND A CAR TO BUY.
REALLY? WHAT? IT'S A 1980 FERRARI.
A FERRARI? DAD, IT'S HOT-- RED WITH RED INTERIOR.
STAR-TYPE MAG WHEELS.
A 1980 FERRARI, SON, HAS TO RUN AROUND $40-50,000.
NO PROBLEM.
NOW HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR ACCOUNT? $788.
OKAY, YOU EXPECT ME TO COME UP WITH $39,200.
DAD, I WOULDN'T THINK OF HAVING YOU HELP ME.
YOU GOT ME WORRIED.
DAD, THIS IS THE CAR.
THIS IS A MODEL OF A FERRARI.
GOT YOU.
YES, YOU DID.
YES.
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR MOTORBIKE.
YEAH? DO YOU WANT TO LOOK AT ONE? ARE YOU SERIOUS? NO.