The Critic s02e07 Episode Script
Sherman of Arabia
1 This just in: New York's cockroaches have hired a prominent ad agency to change their image.
They will now be called "hug-a-bugs.
" It stinks.
Hello.
I'm Jay sherman.
On this special Oscar-week episode of coming attractions, I'll look at films Oscar passed over, like children of a lesser Godzilla.
Godzilla's not so bad.
He just cannot hear you.
He says he wants to meet all of you for breakfast.
Oh! Or was that "eat you"? Oh, well Then there's the 1970s Sci-Fi classic, planet of the dogs.
So you see, we dogs evolved and have become superior to you humans in every way.
Dr.
zaius, quit sniffing my butt.
So sorry.
I'll just rub up against the human's leg.
Very good.
Quit rubbing my leg, you bloody bowsers! Anyway, that's our show for tonight.
Enjoy the oscars! You have 28 minutes left.
Huh? Bad news, kemosabe.
This year, when I send you to the oscars, it's not going to be first-class.
Well, as long as I get to go to the oscars, it doesn't matter how.
And this year, I can bring Alice.
Alice? A girl? I thought you'd want to bring raoul, the cabana boy.
Ah! But that would be the act of a gay man.
And, as you so often forget, I am not gay! IBelieve you.
Y.
M.
C.
A.
"a" Oh, ah.
Ugh! Guess what, baby.
We're going to the oscars.
the oscars just seemed like the most sophisticated thing in the world.
Before I announce the winner for best freakin' picture, let's have another hand for best freakin' actress: Faye dunaway! I'd like to sing something from Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Thank you, miss hepburn.
Well, she sucks.
Now, where can I find a baby-sitter for penny? I know just the man: My father.
Yay! I love the monster truck show.
What show? At last, guernica is ours.
Take that, guernica.
Hey, Jay, want to ride in with me? You don't want to ride with him.
Ride with me.
Hey, I'm sure I've got a limo waiting that befits my stature as New York's 3rd most popular, early morning, cable t.
V.
Film critic! Where the hell have you been? We're going to Mexico! Huh? And outside the 67th annual academy awards, the stars keep coming.
Here's Jeremy hawke, star of the illogical, blasphemous and ultra-violent crocodile Gandhi movies.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And let's hear it for Roger ebert! Jay sherman! Idiots.
And now, here's Oscar Wilson, the man who modeled for the Oscar statue.
And this is my lovely wife, Mary golden globes.
And our daughter, emmy Hi.
And our son, b'Nai b'rith award.
How ya' doin'? The nominees for best special effects are: Love affair, for making Warren beatty look like a young man.
Uh, that's me up there.
2 minutes to your presentation.
It's chocolate.
Now I want one more than ever! To present the award for best documentary, film critic Jay sherman! Critics, you're on next.
Come on, people.
And now, to make sure we don't finish by midnight, a musical tribute to the film critic! Meg Ryan hit the booze thumbs up.
Thumbs down.
The cowboy waya wow? No way.
A bow-wow dog from holly-woof.
Ed wood? Who wouldn't? I give it 83 stars.
Oh-ho, whoa whoa, whoo-hoo! The critic is a mystery except for Jay sherman who always says Our next presenter won an Oscar In to kill a mockingbird.
An unforgettable film about growing up in a climate of racial hatred.
It stinks! How awkward.
Our movie in first-class today is the sequel to rain man, entitled snowman.
Now, I want to warn you.
Your brother is a little, uh, special.
5 minutes to northern exposure.
Got to see moose.
Got to see moose.
I wish I was in first-class with siskel and ebert.
Chicken or fish? Fish, please.
No, I mean, which is it, chicken or fish? Here it is, Raymond.
Las Vegas.
Hottest city in America.
Definitely melted.
Very bad.
Very bad.
Well, I thought that film was very poignant.
Particularly the scene where tom cruise walks around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother.
Oh, come on, gene, that was just another pointless sequel that didn't have to be made.
This from the man who liked Benji, the hunted? Hey, you liked carnosaur.
Well, I'll bet you'll like this.
Hasta LA vista, porky.
Cue ball in the side pocket.
Oh, I wish I were like siskel and ebert.
Shush.
You are obsessing with them.
Tonight on soft copy: Snapple's unsuccessful competitor, crapple.
Ech! But first, this bombshell.
Film critics gene siskel and Roger ebert are breaking up.
The split, if final, would end 40 years of up-thrusting and down-dangling bodily appendages.
Let's look back at their career.
It is the 1950s.
Americans are finding communists everywhere.
I'm Bobby! I'm Annette! I am Igor fyodorovitch kropotkin.
I mean, skippy! On Chicago's South side, 2 young boys, eugenistan siskeliskin and rogerario ebertofsky, open a roadside film criticism stand.
What did you think of samson and delilah, boys? Overblown and underwritten, sir.
I liked it.
Thanks, boys.
You've been of absolutely no help.
Now they are the center of an empire that includes siskel-and-ebert calendars, siskel-and-ebert salt shakers, and the popular arcade game, siskel-and-ebert whack-a-mole.
And so the search begins, as siskel and ebert look for new partners.
Jay, this is your big chance.
You're the man they're looking for.
I have never seen you do a bad show.
Well, you haven't been here long enough.
So, tell us about your film, Mr.
wonka.
We have a fascinating kind of candy that turns wicked children into giant blueberries.
Hmm! Where did it go? I have no idea.
Son, you got a date with Mr.
smucker.
Jay, you're a fine critic.
Why, siskel and ebert would be thrilled to be your partner.
I don't know, everyone's trying out for those jobs.
Now, if you want to be a film critic, you have to review films like this: The latest from Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I am frau doubtfire.
No, you're not.
You're my husband in a dress.
I am so a woman.
Look at my fake bosoms.
They are really grenades.
They'll be back.
Well, what'd you think? All right.
Our next movie features Sylvester and Frank Stallone in yo, godot, I'm waitin' here.
Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance we always love, once again proving Disney pictures have the magic touch that may not win awards, but keep America smiling.
How was that? You're Satan, aren't you? You win another round, siskel, but we shall meet again.
I just don't know what to do.
If I go after this job, the boss will fire me for sure.
Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a shmendrik.
" If you don't try this now, you'll regret it all your life.
You're right.
I want you to go out there and grab that brass ring.
Yes! Help me, please! Nothing's gonna stop me ow! Ow! Don't yeah! Nothing's gonna stop me now hey, Mr.
ebert hey! I'm ferryin' here! Nothing's gonna stop me now The siskel and ebert split has generated 2 t.
V.
Movies.
Here's a scene from the fox version.
Booty, Booty, Booty! Yeah, boy! Meanwhile, siskel and ebert continue to search for new partners.
I don't need siskel.
Why, I could take the next guy who walks by.
Ok, the next one.
Ok, anyone in this restaurant.
Yoo-hoo! Hi, guy.
Hi, guy.
Hi, guy.
Now, Roger, if you make me your partner, you'll be the thin one.
Hey! Hey, look, there's Rosie Perez.
She looks different.
That's the Rosie Perez robot.
The real Rosie is at the cannes film festival.
Hello, critic or press agent.
I hope you enjoyed it could happen to you.
Have I told you the amusing anecdote about my co-star, Ben turpin? Ben turpin's dead.
Error, error.
Must recharge batteries.
Oh, yeah.
Great party, wouldn't you say? Read my book, read my book, read my book.
Hey, there's the William shatner robot.
No, that's really him.
Don't bogart that juice, Rosie.
Well, well.
Look who's tomcatting around, looking for attention.
Well, maybe if I'd been getting it regular from you Hey Jay, it's gene siskel.
I've decided I'd like you to be my partner.
Let me know if you're game, so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
Jay? Roger ebert.
How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
Jay, it's Rex Reed.
I don't care if you got the job.
I've got a new partner.
That's right, pauline kael.
Duke, I don't think we have anything to discuss.
You'll be back.
Bye! What are you so happy about? Article 9-c of my union contract states that if the star leaves, I get to take over the show.
What? Last time I negotiate a contract at grace slick's birthday party.
Ok, let's try a take.
Wait.
Something's wrong.
You don't look right.
Put on this wig.
What? Now, the glasses.
You're making me look like Roger.
Just do what I say! Dammit, gene, I'm not Roger! I'm never gonna be Roger.
I wish I were! Here's gene and me on splash Mountain.
Here we are winning the 3-legged race.
And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert.
Shouldn't we get to work? Sure, gene, anything you say.
You called me gene.
I'm sorry, gene.
I'll never do it againGene.
My name is Jay! And I need some air! I'm not gene! The moonlight on his hair the twinkle in his eye he seemed too young to fly for now I'll have to sit and cry I can't take either job.
Roger and gene have such great chemistry together.
I mean, you wouldn't destroy Michelangelo's birth of man.
Take that, birth of man.
If only we could get siskel and ebert back together.
I've got an idea.
Roger, this is Woody Allen.
Yeah, I'm ready to give you my first exclusive interview in 20 years.
But I'll only give it on the roof of the empire state building.
Don't ask why.
I'm a genius.
Yeah, gene? This is Woody soon-yi, daddy's on the phone.
So, uh, gene, yeah, meet me at the empire state building.
Woody? Woody? Oh, it's you.
Oh, it's you.
You're looking well.
You're looking well.
Oh, this is just a ripoff of sleepless in Seattle.
Which was, in itself, a ripoff of an affair to remember.
Which wasn't that good of a movie to start with.
Hey, I guess we do make a good team.
Come here, you big lug.
Jay, son, I'm so glad to have you back, and sorry about all the cracks I made.
I know you're not gay.
Thanks, boss.
Mmm Well, gene, I thought some of the parodies were funny, but a lot of the show just didn't make any sense.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa That's it.
We're out of here.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir, the show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
Shh!
They will now be called "hug-a-bugs.
" It stinks.
Hello.
I'm Jay sherman.
On this special Oscar-week episode of coming attractions, I'll look at films Oscar passed over, like children of a lesser Godzilla.
Godzilla's not so bad.
He just cannot hear you.
He says he wants to meet all of you for breakfast.
Oh! Or was that "eat you"? Oh, well Then there's the 1970s Sci-Fi classic, planet of the dogs.
So you see, we dogs evolved and have become superior to you humans in every way.
Dr.
zaius, quit sniffing my butt.
So sorry.
I'll just rub up against the human's leg.
Very good.
Quit rubbing my leg, you bloody bowsers! Anyway, that's our show for tonight.
Enjoy the oscars! You have 28 minutes left.
Huh? Bad news, kemosabe.
This year, when I send you to the oscars, it's not going to be first-class.
Well, as long as I get to go to the oscars, it doesn't matter how.
And this year, I can bring Alice.
Alice? A girl? I thought you'd want to bring raoul, the cabana boy.
Ah! But that would be the act of a gay man.
And, as you so often forget, I am not gay! IBelieve you.
Y.
M.
C.
A.
"a" Oh, ah.
Ugh! Guess what, baby.
We're going to the oscars.
the oscars just seemed like the most sophisticated thing in the world.
Before I announce the winner for best freakin' picture, let's have another hand for best freakin' actress: Faye dunaway! I'd like to sing something from Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Thank you, miss hepburn.
Well, she sucks.
Now, where can I find a baby-sitter for penny? I know just the man: My father.
Yay! I love the monster truck show.
What show? At last, guernica is ours.
Take that, guernica.
Hey, Jay, want to ride in with me? You don't want to ride with him.
Ride with me.
Hey, I'm sure I've got a limo waiting that befits my stature as New York's 3rd most popular, early morning, cable t.
V.
Film critic! Where the hell have you been? We're going to Mexico! Huh? And outside the 67th annual academy awards, the stars keep coming.
Here's Jeremy hawke, star of the illogical, blasphemous and ultra-violent crocodile Gandhi movies.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And let's hear it for Roger ebert! Jay sherman! Idiots.
And now, here's Oscar Wilson, the man who modeled for the Oscar statue.
And this is my lovely wife, Mary golden globes.
And our daughter, emmy Hi.
And our son, b'Nai b'rith award.
How ya' doin'? The nominees for best special effects are: Love affair, for making Warren beatty look like a young man.
Uh, that's me up there.
2 minutes to your presentation.
It's chocolate.
Now I want one more than ever! To present the award for best documentary, film critic Jay sherman! Critics, you're on next.
Come on, people.
And now, to make sure we don't finish by midnight, a musical tribute to the film critic! Meg Ryan hit the booze thumbs up.
Thumbs down.
The cowboy waya wow? No way.
A bow-wow dog from holly-woof.
Ed wood? Who wouldn't? I give it 83 stars.
Oh-ho, whoa whoa, whoo-hoo! The critic is a mystery except for Jay sherman who always says Our next presenter won an Oscar In to kill a mockingbird.
An unforgettable film about growing up in a climate of racial hatred.
It stinks! How awkward.
Our movie in first-class today is the sequel to rain man, entitled snowman.
Now, I want to warn you.
Your brother is a little, uh, special.
5 minutes to northern exposure.
Got to see moose.
Got to see moose.
I wish I was in first-class with siskel and ebert.
Chicken or fish? Fish, please.
No, I mean, which is it, chicken or fish? Here it is, Raymond.
Las Vegas.
Hottest city in America.
Definitely melted.
Very bad.
Very bad.
Well, I thought that film was very poignant.
Particularly the scene where tom cruise walks around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother.
Oh, come on, gene, that was just another pointless sequel that didn't have to be made.
This from the man who liked Benji, the hunted? Hey, you liked carnosaur.
Well, I'll bet you'll like this.
Hasta LA vista, porky.
Cue ball in the side pocket.
Oh, I wish I were like siskel and ebert.
Shush.
You are obsessing with them.
Tonight on soft copy: Snapple's unsuccessful competitor, crapple.
Ech! But first, this bombshell.
Film critics gene siskel and Roger ebert are breaking up.
The split, if final, would end 40 years of up-thrusting and down-dangling bodily appendages.
Let's look back at their career.
It is the 1950s.
Americans are finding communists everywhere.
I'm Bobby! I'm Annette! I am Igor fyodorovitch kropotkin.
I mean, skippy! On Chicago's South side, 2 young boys, eugenistan siskeliskin and rogerario ebertofsky, open a roadside film criticism stand.
What did you think of samson and delilah, boys? Overblown and underwritten, sir.
I liked it.
Thanks, boys.
You've been of absolutely no help.
Now they are the center of an empire that includes siskel-and-ebert calendars, siskel-and-ebert salt shakers, and the popular arcade game, siskel-and-ebert whack-a-mole.
And so the search begins, as siskel and ebert look for new partners.
Jay, this is your big chance.
You're the man they're looking for.
I have never seen you do a bad show.
Well, you haven't been here long enough.
So, tell us about your film, Mr.
wonka.
We have a fascinating kind of candy that turns wicked children into giant blueberries.
Hmm! Where did it go? I have no idea.
Son, you got a date with Mr.
smucker.
Jay, you're a fine critic.
Why, siskel and ebert would be thrilled to be your partner.
I don't know, everyone's trying out for those jobs.
Now, if you want to be a film critic, you have to review films like this: The latest from Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I am frau doubtfire.
No, you're not.
You're my husband in a dress.
I am so a woman.
Look at my fake bosoms.
They are really grenades.
They'll be back.
Well, what'd you think? All right.
Our next movie features Sylvester and Frank Stallone in yo, godot, I'm waitin' here.
Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance we always love, once again proving Disney pictures have the magic touch that may not win awards, but keep America smiling.
How was that? You're Satan, aren't you? You win another round, siskel, but we shall meet again.
I just don't know what to do.
If I go after this job, the boss will fire me for sure.
Honey, we have a saying back in Tennessee: "Be a mensch, not a shmendrik.
" If you don't try this now, you'll regret it all your life.
You're right.
I want you to go out there and grab that brass ring.
Yes! Help me, please! Nothing's gonna stop me ow! Ow! Don't yeah! Nothing's gonna stop me now hey, Mr.
ebert hey! I'm ferryin' here! Nothing's gonna stop me now The siskel and ebert split has generated 2 t.
V.
Movies.
Here's a scene from the fox version.
Booty, Booty, Booty! Yeah, boy! Meanwhile, siskel and ebert continue to search for new partners.
I don't need siskel.
Why, I could take the next guy who walks by.
Ok, the next one.
Ok, anyone in this restaurant.
Yoo-hoo! Hi, guy.
Hi, guy.
Hi, guy.
Now, Roger, if you make me your partner, you'll be the thin one.
Hey! Hey, look, there's Rosie Perez.
She looks different.
That's the Rosie Perez robot.
The real Rosie is at the cannes film festival.
Hello, critic or press agent.
I hope you enjoyed it could happen to you.
Have I told you the amusing anecdote about my co-star, Ben turpin? Ben turpin's dead.
Error, error.
Must recharge batteries.
Oh, yeah.
Great party, wouldn't you say? Read my book, read my book, read my book.
Hey, there's the William shatner robot.
No, that's really him.
Don't bogart that juice, Rosie.
Well, well.
Look who's tomcatting around, looking for attention.
Well, maybe if I'd been getting it regular from you Hey Jay, it's gene siskel.
I've decided I'd like you to be my partner.
Let me know if you're game, so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
Jay? Roger ebert.
How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
Jay, it's Rex Reed.
I don't care if you got the job.
I've got a new partner.
That's right, pauline kael.
Duke, I don't think we have anything to discuss.
You'll be back.
Bye! What are you so happy about? Article 9-c of my union contract states that if the star leaves, I get to take over the show.
What? Last time I negotiate a contract at grace slick's birthday party.
Ok, let's try a take.
Wait.
Something's wrong.
You don't look right.
Put on this wig.
What? Now, the glasses.
You're making me look like Roger.
Just do what I say! Dammit, gene, I'm not Roger! I'm never gonna be Roger.
I wish I were! Here's gene and me on splash Mountain.
Here we are winning the 3-legged race.
And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert.
Shouldn't we get to work? Sure, gene, anything you say.
You called me gene.
I'm sorry, gene.
I'll never do it againGene.
My name is Jay! And I need some air! I'm not gene! The moonlight on his hair the twinkle in his eye he seemed too young to fly for now I'll have to sit and cry I can't take either job.
Roger and gene have such great chemistry together.
I mean, you wouldn't destroy Michelangelo's birth of man.
Take that, birth of man.
If only we could get siskel and ebert back together.
I've got an idea.
Roger, this is Woody Allen.
Yeah, I'm ready to give you my first exclusive interview in 20 years.
But I'll only give it on the roof of the empire state building.
Don't ask why.
I'm a genius.
Yeah, gene? This is Woody soon-yi, daddy's on the phone.
So, uh, gene, yeah, meet me at the empire state building.
Woody? Woody? Oh, it's you.
Oh, it's you.
You're looking well.
You're looking well.
Oh, this is just a ripoff of sleepless in Seattle.
Which was, in itself, a ripoff of an affair to remember.
Which wasn't that good of a movie to start with.
Hey, I guess we do make a good team.
Come here, you big lug.
Jay, son, I'm so glad to have you back, and sorry about all the cracks I made.
I know you're not gay.
Thanks, boss.
Mmm Well, gene, I thought some of the parodies were funny, but a lot of the show just didn't make any sense.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa That's it.
We're out of here.
Celebrity voices are impersonated.
No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
Uh, excuse me, sir, the show's over.
I'm stuck in the chair.
Shh!