The Detour (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Before I take this test willingly, I might add you want to tell me who you really are, Edie? "U.
S.
Piss"? "USPIS.
" It rhymes with "justice.
" No, it doesn't.
It rhymes with "juspice.
" The United States Postal Inspection Service is the oldest law-enforcement agency in America, created by one Benjamin Franklin.
- Ever heard of him? - No.
Then I guess you guys don't go to Broadway.
What does that have to do with anything? Oh, I'm sorry.
It's only the hottest ticket in town for like a year.
And the second half of the third act is all about the mail.
Mail, mail, we cannot fail Through snow, rain, heat, or the hail From big cities to small towns Nothing will keep these couriers From their appointed rounds JAMES MADISON: I know you like to be frank So you can take this to the bank I don't remember requiring your attendance - Why's that? - 'Cause we're drafting The goddamn Declaration of Independence They were, and it's important, but so was the mail It mattered to me But all they cared about was the presidency I mean, it's really diverse.
Like, almost distractingly so.
No, necessary Too big to functionary It's simply mail to carry Now, that's it Call the constabulary We were like Tom and Jerry This shit is getting scary Bear with me, man, just wait It's good.
Is it worth the money? No.
God, no.
We must just trust that it is beneficial And just like that, I became The second-highest paid U.
S.
government official We're going postal It was federal Coast to coastal They called me Postmaster General Postal Yeah, we're going postal We're going postal We're going postal Postal Gents, I know you're nervous But we'll protect it With the U.
S.
Postal Inspection Service One more word about the mail I swear I'll send you to your grave Thomas Jefferson, relax, man Go bang your slave Yes, massa! [Laughter.]
[Cheers And Applause.]
Didn't "Schoolhouse Rock" do this like 40 years ago? I don't know what they're applauding, the anachronisms or the shitty rap.
Whoo! Oh, yeah, we saw that.
And? It It was just a little overrated.
It won 14 Tonys! How many Tonys have you won?! Huh?! Somewhere behind the skyline There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted Music Plays.]
Oh, my goodness.
[Sniffs.]
[Sighs.]
Smell that head.
- [Chuckles.]
- Aww.
Yeah, it's not the smell of the head you love.
It's the smell of talc you love.
[Canned Laughter.]
Babe, are we sure we don't want another one? LARS: Isn't it a little late? I thought you already got your vasectomy.
No, I got my consultation.
There's a one-month waiting period in New York.
Yeah, it's to prevent buyer's remorse.
Yeah.
More like pliers remorse.
[Canned Laughter.]
Hey.
What are you guys talking about? Well, uh, we were just discussing - your father's vasectomy.
- Every man should get one.
Why is it always up to the woman to get it? We don't do enough pushing a 10-pound bowling ball out of our vagina? [Canned Laughter.]
We've had some frank talks.
White people.
[Laughter.]
This shit should be on TBS.
Very funny.
What the hell is going on? Oh, my God.
This family is too funny.
Hey, show her the part where the boy gets his first hand job from the girl next door.
Please, don't tell me you watched that.
Whoa! Whoa! It's going everywhere! It won't stop! Well, you know what, that actually wasn't the funny part.
It was the dad's sock.
And he didn't know what it was.
And he was like, "What is this? Shampoo?" What's shampoo doing in my sock?" And then he started sniffing it.
This isn't some raunchy sitcom we're watching! This is two months of surveillance footage trying to connect this family to USPIS enemy number one the goddamn Big Tuna! Wow! Okay.
That's so intense.
You do realize we're just the mail police, right? You, outside! The mail is a lot more dangerous than you think.
You know, maybe male predators, but not mail predators.
[Chuckling.]
You know what I mean? Let me educate you, rook.
14 USPIS members have been killed in the line of duty.
Since when? Since the beginning.
Like 1776? 14 is too many.
And eight of those were suicides.
Because this job was so rough on them, it pushed them to end it all.
We have exactly one month to get something approaching collusion on this woman, or else this operation is in for a world of trouble.
Oh! I found that clip.
NATE: What the hell is this? [Sniffs.]
Oh, that's familiar.
It's my favorite socks.
- What is that smell? - It's not shampoo.
No, it's it's, like, right on the tip of my tongue.
[Sniffs.]
- Focus, please! - [Laughing.]
What? - Last one.
How much time? - You've been out of time.
DELILAH: Yeah, you were out of time like five minutes ago.
I hate to say it, but they seem like a perfectly normal family.
All right, what is this? Bank deposit, garbled.
I don't know.
It appeared a couple times in the transcripts.
He's making a deposit, big deposit.
He's uncomfortable.
He thought they were past this part of their life.
It's important to her.
He says, "Why this bank?" She's like, "Well, it's across the street" from that Vietnamese place I like very discreet.
" Looks like it's time for a good old-fashioned stakeout.
Boom.
Target is active.
CARL: What do you think? I don't know.
Vietnamese, Hasids.
Best guess is diamond smuggle.
[Buzzer Rings.]
WOMAN: Excelsior Cryobank.
Oh, hey.
Uh, I'm here to, um uh, make a deposit.
Something's going down.
Fifth floor, down the hall.
[Door Buzzes.]
Just Yeah.
I mean, you were literally just talking to someone.
Wait for the buzzer, please.
Just What is he? He's having a little trouble, there.
Yeah, you buzzed but it didn't open.
[Door Buzzes.]
Are you pushing, sir? - This guy's an idiot.
- Just push the door.
Thank you.
Thank you.
CARL: Should we follow him? No.
Hang tight.
We're after her.
[Sniffs.]
You're gonna go into room five.
There's a 15-minute time limit.
Why is there a time limit? This isn't a peep show.
No, I didn't think it was.
I'm just I'm I'm only doing this for my wife.
You know, she wants the baby option on the table.
I'm getting a vasectomy, so Don't forget your cup.
Jesus Christ.
Why is it so big? Some men can be very productive.
What the Jesus.
Sir.
Five.
[Chair Bangs.]
That's romantic.
[Knock On Door.]
I like that sweater.
WOMAN: I think it makes me look boxy.
They only had it in a medium.
I was thinking about returning it to the store where I got it.
Come on, get to it.
Listen, we need to talk.
No, you need to [Bleep.]
There's something I have to tell you.
What? I have cancer.
What? Ooh, yeah.
Ew! What is this? This is a long conversation that we need to have.
[Fast-Forwarding.]
Oh, my God.
Are you still talking? What about you? Lookin' to get some? All right.
Here we go.
WOMAN: You know it.
Then take it off, then.
- Oh! - That's all you go? - Oh! - You can take more off.
No! What? I like a little reemo between my chemo.
- Oh! Oh, God! - [Retching.]
Do you have anything else? This is not really my thing.
Oh.
Why would you think I'd be into this? I know your type.
This is no one's type.
Thank you.
"Pubes and Lube"? "Hydra" "Big Nasty Rabbits Take" What? Who would Oh, come on.
A lobster? This is all so niche.
Look, we can't pay for everyone's sexual whims, all right? There's a lot out there.
No one could get off to this stuff.
That's That's Jesus Christ.
Don't you just have girls playing volleyball or something? [Cellphone Buzzes.]
Hey.
You done already? No, I'm not done.
The porn here is way too intense for me.
So go to the volleyball site you always go to.
I don't go to the volley - Nate.
- Okay, fine.
It's only 'cause they make them wear the spandex.
- It's I don't - I don't care.
I tried to go, but I put the Net Nanny on the phone, - and now I forgot the password.
- Reset your phone.
I haven't backed it up in a while.
I don't want to lose pictures, you know.
Baby, you have to back it up every week.
Can you just do me a favor and, like talk sexy to me? No.
I'm at the spa.
With the children.
[Laughing.]
That tickles! Stop! It's tickling me! Please help me out.
Hey, what if I sexted you? Would that work? No! That doesn't work for anybody.
Okay.
Hold on.
Watch this.
[Phone Whooshes.]
Right? [Phone Whooshes.]
Is that a peach? But it's it's supposed to be something else.
What, a nectarine? God, you're literal.
[Phone Whooshes.]
There.
[Phone Whooshes.]
Why would you send me a Why would you send me a picture of a camel? Humping.
Please just say something like "I'm gonna [Mutters.]
you tonight"? Oh, my God.
Okay.
Hold on.
[Beeping.]
[Chair Vibrating.]
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Okay.
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Whew.
Oh, you like that, right? How do you like it? You like it a lot? Yeah, I do, actually.
- Oh, God.
- Pretty good.
Oh, that's so good.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Sorry.
Watch the bunion.
What? DELILAH: Hey, is that Dad on the phone? - I want to talk to him! - What? No.
No! Hi, Dad! I was getting my foot pumiced, and dead skin was flying everywhere.
- It looked like it was snowing.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, tell him about my mouth! Dad, it got all in my mouth! ROBIN: Hey, hey.
Give me the phone.
I'll meet you in the lobby.
I'll take care of this.
[Camera Shutter Clicking.]
Is it on? Oh, it's on.
Get mine.
[Gags.]
Sorry.
- Hey, which one is it? - I don't know.
- Can you? - [Buzzer Rings.]
Yeah, I'm gonna push I'm just pushing them.
- [Buzzer Ringing.]
- Can I help you? Just cover up.
Just cover up.
- What do you want? - Gary, that you? Why can't she go in the room with me? What did I say? You said it wasn't a peep show.
Well, it's not a brothel, either.
She's not a hooker.
What the? This is a weird-ass bank.
What is this place? Oh, shit.
Shit! Go, go! I am not going in the bathroom.
Okay, we're all clear.
Let's go.
- This is so gross.
- Take your pants off.
- Yeah.
Slow down.
- Well, I know, but my nails aren't done, and I got to get back.
- Take 'em off.
- Okay.
All right? - Sorry.
- Jesus.
- Can you? - What? You know, show me that or something? - My tits? - I wasn't gonna call them that.
Well, what do you want to I mean, you've seen it.
I don't - I'm sorry.
- I'm not It's a dirty bra.
It doesn't just go up on its own.
Yes.
Go.
Just look in there.
It's nothing you haven't seen.
- Okay.
All right.
That started it.
- That did it? Well, it started it.
You got to finish it .
You want me to do it? That's why I called you.
I thought you just wanted company.
Well, don't roll your eyes.
I was just breathing.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Little more.
That's it.
Yeah.
[Sighs.]
Come on! I had hummus.
Just Yeah.
Oh, that's fast.
Don't critique.
You ready? - No.
- Okay.
I need like 20 more minutes.
I told you, I've been working on my tolerance.
NATE: We can just move past the whole - He brought it up.
- I know, I know.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize [Crying.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You okay? No.
Hey, don't let this get you down, okay? We've gone three times over budget, we've broken like 10 U.
S.
laws, and we're not even close to finding the Big Tuna.
No.
Hey, look at me.
Look at me.
It's not your fault.
It is.
I'm the commanding officer.
Blame me.
Say I went rogue.
You'd do that for me? [Grunts.]
Did Did you just finish? Um God, you have a problem.
Well, my girlfriend says it's not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
It's a very big deal.
Oh, hey, I have an idea.
What if we just brought them in? Uh, I'm not done talking about this yet.
No, no, no.
What if we just brought them in for a good old-fashioned interrogation? She's never gonna give up the Big Tuna.
How do you know unless you try? If we brought them in, we'd have 13 hours to break them, tops.
Perfect.
Separate them.
Divide and conquer.
They're terrible when they're apart.
- Let's do it.
- Awesome.
No.
Absolutely not.
Oh, God.
Why am I doing this? 'Cause it's important to your daughter.
Just take a couple extra painkillers and take it easy.
When do I ever take it easy, okay? And besides "Fun Walk"? That doesn't rhyme.
I'm gonna run.
I'm gonna win.
Hey.
There are no winners.
It's just to raise awareness for spaying and neutering your service animals.
God, talk about a first-world charity.
This guy knows a little something about being neutered.
Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho! Shhhhh Why would you do What is your problem?! - It was funny.
- It wasn't funny! I had a vasectomy three hours ago! This means so much to me! Thank you! Okay.
Okay, sweetie.
I know.
I know.
Just too sore for hugs.
[Starting Gun Fires.]
[Cheering.]
Just think about it.
As soon as you cross that finish line, it's unprotected sex for the rest of your life.
Stop touching my balls! All right.
I want them brought in quiet, and I want them brought in fast.
Do not draw attention to yourselves.
Any questions? Yes.
Um What branch of the government are you guys with? "U.
S.
Piss.
" No.
It's "USPIS.
" It's "us," like "we.
" Like "we" like "we-PIS.
" They piss.
Okay, you know what? Just go.
[Cheers And Applause.]
[Groaning.]
Go, Dad! Thanks.
Just had a vasectomy.
Lap three! Yeah.
Where'd you get that bike from? It's a fun run! Hurry up, slow poke! I'm already on my second lap.
'Cause you're on a skateboard! Where did you get these things from? [Winces.]
All right, here we go.
Whoa! Yeah, no.
No way, brother.
I'm not getting lapped by a guy in a costume.
Ha, ha, ha! Yeah, painkillers! Whoo! Here I go! Whoo! God damn it, he's fast.
Do you have the catch? I repeat, do you have the catch? That's a negative.
We'll circle back, pick him up at the finish.
Ah! Damn it! Mother f'ing CARL: Whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It'll be fine.
Just relax.
Oh, do not tell me to relax ever.
Okay.
Look.
Hey, it just seems like you're a little tense, all right? - I'm pregnant.
- What? [Crying.]
I don't know what to do.
I'm such a shit show.
It's all right.
All right? Hey.
You see your father? Oh! Oh, there he is! Oh, Nate! Nate! You're so close! You can do this! Fun run.
Come on! Go! Come on! - Come on! - Come on, Dad! You got this! Oh! DELILAH: Oh! Why do you keep doing that?! Idiot! How you doing, babe? I got a little emotional out there.
- You did? - Yeah.
Aw, why? Just knowing that this part of our life, which is so great, is coming to an end.
- Yeah.
- No more kids.
I know.
It's a little sad.
That's why I had you put some on ice.
I knew you weren't quite ready to be done with it.
[Ringtone Plays.]
This better be important.
RANDY: I came by the bird's nest to sweep up, and guess who's knocking on their door? - Who? - Big Bird.
Who? Big Tuna! [Gasps.]
Are you sure? 100%.
Perfect match.
Abort! I repeat, abort! We are fully committed now! Pull back! I repeat, abort! We have bigger fish to fry.
We are 10 feet from the target.
Hey, man.
You talking about me? EDIE: Take cover! There is no cover.
Uh, does he see you? Of course he sees me! He's waving! Don't wave back.
Dude.
What's up, man? Not much.
What's up with you guys? You all right? Yeah.
Good.
I think I know what this is about.
You do? Yeah.
Yeah.
It's supposed to be a fun run, and I'm out there acting like a jackass.
I'm sorry.
I just get a little carried away.
It was the drugs, I think.
If it makes you feel any better, I think I came in last place.
- You did.
- Okay.
Little consolation prize.
That's a pretty sweet costume, dude.
Yeah.
That gun looks very real.
It really does.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, it looks a little too real.
Oh, my God.
You should get one of those orange-rubber tips on there.
Yeah, seriously.
Let me see that.
- I mean, look at that, Nate.
- Oh, Jesus.
Look at that, man.
Wow It's so authentic.
And it's really solid.
Yeah.
Yeah, you better not get caught by the real cops.
They will shoot you.
[Laughs.]
But seriously, uh, no hard feelings, huh? - Of course not.
- Yeah.
All right.
Cool.
- Great costume, though.
- Same to you guys.
Yeah.
Get a lighter one if you want to beat me next time.
[Laughs.]
Sorry.
There I go again.
Wow.
Did they run with their guns? They didn't even finish.
[Laughs.]