The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e07 Episode Script

- Go, go, go.
- Go, go, go.
Oh, ho!
- 'Yeah! Ha-ha.'
- Ha-ha..
Anybody
for another yard of beer?
[chuckles]
Come on, Drew,
if you drink your height
they name a stall after ya.
No. no. No, thanks.
No, thanks.
I still got half of mine left.
Uh, I got four inches.
In cold water?
Why, that's amazing.
Ah.
Alright. Cleveland State won.
- Ah,hello,yes!
- Alright!
Hey, we gotta get a cab.
We gotta get to my frat party.
- Yeah.
- A frat party?
You didn't go
to Cleveland State.
Yeah, he did, he audited that
class in conversational Spanish.
Si.
And technically,
it's not a fraternity.
It's just a bunch of guys
hanging
around at a Greek restaurant.
Well, but it's across the street
from a sorority.
Well, technically,
it's a home for unwed mothers.
You guys wanna go?
No. Still got a shot of dignity.
- Not us.
- Nope.
- She's cute.
- Yeah. Uh, who?
The woman
that's got you so distracted
you missed the other woman
checking you out.
- Where?
- Nowhere!
There is no other woman!
This is your only shot.
- Go talk to her.
- Okay, okay.
I'm just no good
at meeting women at bars.
Maybe if I got her attention
somehow.
Oh! Please don't sit
at the bar. Please.
(Drew)
Great!
Right in my line of sight.
Drew, ignore Mimi and go
talk to the cute stranger
'cause if you don't, you'll
regret it the rest of your life.
- You don't know that.
- Yeah, I do.
'Cause I'll do this
the rest of your life.
Ow!
You, come here.
Yeah. You.
I wanna talk to you.
Well..
Were you lookin' at my girl?
Now, when did you get out
of prison? Like, an hour ago?
Don't listen to him.
The pig's been staring at me
since we got here.
You want me
to kick his butt, babe?
Would you, pumpkin?
If I ever catch you comin' on
to my lady again, you're dead.
Got it? Dead.
[whispers]
Dead.
[chuckles]
One of us won't be
sleepin' alone tonight.
Ugh. Now one of us
won't be sleepin' at all.
Uh, beer, Tim.
[whistles]
I wasn't gonna take it.
Let me try again.
Hi. My name is Bonnie.
Oh. Drew.
Sorry. I just got out
of a relationship.
My radar has been off
for a while.
Normally I don't have trouble
pickin' up
signals from women, you know
whether they are real or
imagined and..
I-Iguess
what I'm trying to say--
- Real.
- Oh, I knew it! Ahem.
Uh, Tim, another one
over here, please.
Uh, look, this is an odd
question, but you're kinda cute
and you're pretty nice to me.
Are you drunk?
It's okay if you are.
No, when you were sitting
with your friends
you seemed like a nice guy,
and I said to myself
"For once I'm not gonna
lie in bed at night thinking
'Why didn't I talk to him? He
had a cute ass for Cleveland.'"
[chuckles]
Buzz Beer, huh?
Yeah. Me and
my friends brew it in my garage.
You oughta come by
and see it sometime.
Oh, gee, that sounds like fun,
but why would I wanna
leave a perfectly good bar
to see someone's garage?
Uh, well, for one thing,
the beer's free.
Okay. So I've saved a dollar.
I'm trapped in your garage.
Go on.
Okay, uh, you also get to see
the world's oldest
unused solar flex.
[chuckles]
Okay, but I can only stay
for a few minutes.
Wait, before I do this
is there anyone here
who can vouch for you?
Oh, yeah, but they're
at a halfway house
partying
with some unwed mothers.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're goin' bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Wow! Quite a setup.
I was expecting a keg
and a strobe light.
Hey, I'm not one of those guys
that feeds women
a lot of bull
just to impress 'em.
Uh, you know, the trouble with
these things is they take up
so much room,
I have to park my Porsche
down the street
where you can't see it, baby.
How did you ever get a permit,
your neighborhood
isn't zoned
for something like this.
Oh, we don't need a permit,
we're
just a rinky-dink operation.
We don't need a permit.
Every business needs a permit.
Well, I guess when we take off,
we'll look into it, but for
right now, what they don't know
won't hurt 'em.
Besides, all those
government types are too busy
sticking their thumb
up their butt. Am I right?
- Huh.
- Ha-ha-ha..
Drew, I'm a zoning inspector.
Wait, I'm still talking.
What I meant was
it must be hard working all day
with your thumb up your butt.
God, I admire you people.
Drew, I hate to do this, but,
uh, your whole setup is illegal.
- I have to shut it down.
- What?
Oh, look, why don't we,
why don't we talk about this
on the way to
the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
where you'll be goin' in your
brand-new carseat cover?
- Is that a bribe?
- Hey.
if askin' out a smart,
beautiful woman is a bribe
then lock me up
and throw away the key.
And, uh, you can put that key
on your '95 World Series
keyholder.
Drew, it's illegal
to give a bribe
and it's just plain insulting
to give a crappy one.
Look, I took out a second
mortgage to pay for all this.
If I don't sell the beer,
I'm gonna lose my house.
(Drew)
'Look, a lot of people
in this neighborhood'
run businesses
out of their backyards.
Mrs. Orlando raises chickens, uh
the Sweeneys run
an unlicensed day-care center.
Old man Levitt runs
an autobody shop in his garage.
What, what are you doing?
Writing down names.
Oh. Can I get a copy of that?
I wanna see who's gonna beat
me up.
Look, Drew, I-I wish
I didn't have to do this
but I just, I can't ignore
these violations.
Man, if I could
just have one day
where I didn't have to hear that
sentence.
Drew, this has nothing to do
with you.
Look, you wanted to see
the brewery.
You saw it, you shut it down.
You got a full day.
Now I think you should leave.
And you don't know anything
about baseball because
that's a great keyholder.
Well, I guess
I'll never see you again.
Hey, I'll see you Monday
when I post the citation.
Oh.
Well, lost my brewery, lost
my house, my woman left me..
All I got left is my beer
and my crippled dog.
Hey, if I could get that to
rhyme, I'd have a country song.
[instrumental music]
Anybody else
in a really good mood today?
Running a little behind today,
Mimi?
If I'm not mistaken,
you're only wearing primer.
Oh, damn.
I pulled a muscle last night.
Oh, I'd hate to see
the other guy.
You're just jealous
'cause I got lucky.
What did you chloroform
and drag home?
Uh, it just so happens
I spent the evening
with a lovely woman. Thank you.
Word around the muffin-cart is
your lovely woman
came down hard
on your little beer factory.
Oh, man,
I gotta watch what I say.
Three ham and cheese croissants,
I think
everybody's my best friend.
You know, there's a way
around those zoning laws
that won't cause you
any trouble.
- Oh, yeah? What's that?
- What's in it for me?
I'll give you 25 bucks.
Fifty bucks, and I'll tell you
what that foul odor is
in your car
and how to get rid of it.
Alright, I'm desperate.
So what's your great idea?
I got invited to a party once
called a rave.
It couldn't get a license
to sell beer commercially
so they sold maps
to the place for ten bucks.
And then when you got there,
they gave you
ten bucks' worth of beer.
They made tons of dough
and it was all perfectly legal.
Wow! You got invited to a party?
You're welcome, jackass.
Hey, wait a minute!
What's stinkin' up my car?
You.
[laughs]
Hi, I'm looking
for the department
of apologies and second chances.
Well, they're closed,
can I help you here
at bitterness and grudges?
You're gonna make me
work for this, aren't ya?
How about I take you
to dinner Saturday?
You're in luck, 'cause I found
a way around my zoning problem.
So why don't you come around
myplace on Saturday?
I'm havin' a big party.
And I'm really glad
you stopped by.
Saturday? You got it. What time?
That'll cost you
three more M&Ms.
Okay, is this how
our relationship
is gonna be from now on, Drew?
Give me a Snickers
and I'll tell ya.
[instrumental music]
Good evening.
Can I see your map, please?
- Oh, I'm a friend of Drew's.
- Alright, freeze.
[beeping]
Chuck, it's okay, I invited her.
Jeez, does she
really look dangerous?
The Scottish wildcat
is soft and cuddly, Drew
but when she's rippin' out
your entrails
she doesn't look so cute.
Well, you look great,
and you're just in time.
- Can you chicken-dance?
- You bet. In fact..
If you cut my head off,
I'll chicken-dance
for, like, another five minutes.
[instrumental "Birdie Song"]
So that was my chicken-dance.
Hey, you're still here. Ha-ha..
Oh, hey! I hope you don't mind.
I brought a friend.
Um, Drew,
this is my friend, Hollie.
She works for
the Cleveland Police Department.
Well,if love is a crime, mm..
[chuckles]
My friend, Lewis. He's one
of the owners of Buzz Beer.
Also one of its best customers.
I've, uh, been a bad boy.
Bad boy.What you gonna do?
Listen to this, so far tonight
we've raked in almost $900!
- Hey! Alright!
- We're beer moguls.
So what are you guys doing
exactly?
Ah, you'll appreciate this
being in law enforcement.
We're not, uh,
technically selling alcohol.
We're selling maps to a party
and giving away beer.
- Selling maps.
- Ah.
So you're soliciting
to sell alcohol?
- Uh-oh.
- I'm afraid..
I'm gonna have to shut down
your party.
Oh, man! The fuzz is trying
to shut us down!
Sorry, Hollie, I..
Guys, let me handle this. Oops!
I appear to have dropped
my wallet.
Yeah. She really wants your
bus pass and two Arby's coupons.
Oh.
Look, Drew,
you're a friend of Bonnie's
so if you get everyone out now
and you give them their money
back, I won't bust you.
Hm. You just lost
your good thing, baby. Hm.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean
for this to happen.
Now you're gonna lose
everything.
Oh, hey, it's okay.
I got a way around this.
Hey, everybody,
maps to my bathroom, only $5000!
Three thousand for the bushes.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Good morning.
Sweet.
You're making breakfast for two.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'm glad you weren't mad
about last night, Drew.
Hey, we've been over that,
you didn't know your friend
was gonna bust up my party.
No, I mean,
when Speedy and I played
keep away with your glasses.
You just wanted to see me
run across the room naked.
You know,
you're not the first. Ahem.
Look, uh, I-I hope I didn't,
you know
rush into anything
you weren't ready for.
Drew, I left a trail of donuts
up to your bedroom. I was ready.
Oh, yeah. By the way, that was
the best foreplay I ever had.
So, uh, you know, last night,
uh, last night was okay?
[chuckles]
Drew, you're not supposed
to talk about it.
We're supposed to be cool
and pretend it's no big deal
while secretly we wonder
where it'll all lead.
Mm. I liked it
when you called me Conan.
You meant, uh, you meant the
barbarian, not O'Brien, right?
Oh, Drew. You want some coffee?
Yeah. And you know
what I'd love with that?
A rezoning waiver
for my brewery and some cream.
- Drew, I can't rezone you.
- Well, then who can?
Well, it's not easy. First
you have to get a petition.
Then you have to go
to the city council.
Oh, I know all about
the city council.
My dad used to take me there
when I was a kid
so I could see
government in action.
Then when he got back
from the track
I'd tell him what I learned.
And how hard could it be to get
signatures on a petition?
You know, when I was a kid,
there was this guy
who actually got a petition
to keep Martians from owning
property in the neighborhood.
Ha-ha.. Thank God!
Because next thing you know,
they're puttin'
their spaceships up on blocks.
They had the little
snot-nosed kids running around
shooting laser beams off
all hours of the night.
[knocking on door]
Hey, Drew. We saw Bonnie's car
in the driveway and we figured..
Oh. You stayed here on purpose.
Well, this is kind of awkward.
- So get out of here!
- Right.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Hi, Mr. Fraser, I'm Drew
your neighbor down the street
and I'm passing around
this important petition to--
Oh, wait. I know you.
You're the Carey boy.
Are you still living
in your parents' house?
And are you keeping up
your mom's garden?
- Yes, sir.
- Well, good.
Alma, come on down!
It's that nice gay boy
from down the street!
And we needyoursignature,
so we can be
free to keep makin' our beer.
Yeah, you see, we believe that
the neighborhood
has actually improved
by havin' our brewery.
Well, here. Take a sip.
We think you'll agree.
- And we'll drink with ya.
- Hey, you know, at Buzz Beer..
- Nobody drinks alone.
- Yeah. Cheers.
Ah.. The sweet juice of freedom.
[mumbles]
[knocking on door]
Hi, Mr. Carlson, I haven't seen
you in that makeup
since you performed
at my tenth birthday party.
[party horn blows]
So I guess you're still doing
kids' birthday parties?
So you're dressed like that
all the time now?
That's not sad.
That's-that's not sad at all.
Um, listen, I was wondering
if you'd be interested
in signing a petition
for our brewery.
Oh,my!That's a big yes!
[imitates doorbell ringing]
Oh, Oswald,
not on the guy's roses.
Well, excuse me, Ms. Manners.
What do you want?
Oh, that's rude.
Hup! On to the next one.
Let's see if this guy's home.
[imitates doorbell ringing]
[instrumental music]
Thank you. We'll, we'll consider
those changes in the leash laws.
[gavel bangs]
Next business.
Mr. Jones.
Isn't this exciting, Kate,
ordinary citizens
making decisions that'll affect
thousands of people?
Yeah.
Is this guy gonna
talk about dog crap
for the next 20 minutes, too?
'Cause if he does,
I'm gonna blow my brains out.
That's all I'm saying.
I can assure you
I'm not gonna waste your time
with anything like that.
Last night
aliens visited my house again.
Oh, my God, it's the same guy
from when I was a kid!
As evidence today,
I'd like to offer exhibit A
"Life On Mars."
Mr. Jones, "The New York Post"
is talking about
microscopic fossils.
Well, apparently, they've
evolved because that was
no fossil giving me
a rectal probe last night.
Mr. Jones, thanks to you, I've
been late to dinner every Monday
and not hungry
for the last 15 years!
So I'm going to give you
your damn study
just so we can get home earlier.
All in favor?
Aye. Aye. Leave.
Wow. The system works.
- Next business, Mr. Drew Carey.
- Ooh. Wish me luck.
Wishmeluck. I live across
the alley from that guy.
Good afternoon,
I have a petition here to rezone
land parcel number 5039
for use as a micro-brewery.
- Denied. All in agreement?
- 'Agreed.'
- Sorry. Next.
- 'Oh, well..'
Wait a second, there's
a petition there signed by
over 300 people, you-you
can't ignore that.
I can
in a neighborhood of 15,000
especially, when on
the first page I see the names
of a dozen dead Cleveland
Indian baseball players
and the cast
of "Gilligan's Island."
Damn Oswald. Look, I didn't know
about the zoning regulations.
B-but I'm-I'm following
all the health laws.
I'm paying sales tax, a-and we
are coming out with a calendar.
You look like you work out.
- Well, ahem, thank you.
- Hm.
Well, Mr. Carey, there's not
a politician in this state
who has voted more consistently
for the easy access of liquor.
- Ah. That's right.
- True. That's true.
And this council just can't
up and reverse zoning laws
that have served our city
so well, lo, these many years.
Now please sit down. You forced
me to use the word "Lo."
Hold everything!
These letters came in,
hundreds and hundreds of 'em
all supporting Drew's right
to brew beer in his garage.
Mm, the people have spoken.
[gavel bangs]
Wait, wait a minute. These are
all addressed to Santa Claus.
Big jolly white guy, huh?
Come on, work with me here.
If there's nothing else,
Mr. Carey..
Oh, yeah,
there's plenty else, pal.
I got a little thing here
called the Bill of Rights!
- Yeah. Bill of Rights.
- Huh?
I think we got
our next alien guy.
- Hold it!
- 'Bonnie?'
I'm the zoning inspector
who first
noticed Mr. Carey's violation.
I've brought some people
from his neighborhood
I think you should meet.
If you shut down Drew
you're shutting them all down.
This is a farmer. He grows
vegetables in his backyard.
He puts food on our plate.
This is a mechanic.
Without him, the wheels
of our nation would stop.
Oh, yeah,
uh, and this is my neighbor
the loving, caring teacher
that runs
the unlicensed day-care center.
And this is the taxidermist,
the guy who..
- Jeez! Don't hold that up.
- We could go on.
There's the Tupperware sales
lady, the masseuse, legitimate.
The other masseuse.
Hello, Tina.
These people are American,
councilman, a country that was
built by people
running businesses out of their
backyards, and
if you don't wanna give
this community the right to make
a living, then you
better be prepared
to ban something else, pal.
And I'm talking about
the American dream!
[crowd cheering]
[applauding]
Is it me? I attract these people
like flies.
You sure do, buddy, and we're
coming back every week
with the same sappy routine,
and I'm gonna bring him with me.
And this thing's just gonna get
smellier and uglier.
- True.
- So what do you say?
Well, I don't wanna put all
these people out of business.
My great-grandfather started
a business in hisgarage
and eventually
wound up polluting
over two-thirds of Lake Erie.
Oh..
[applauding]
In his memory,
I'm proposing a two-year study
on the effects of rezoning,
during which time
youcanall stay open.
[crowd cheering]
Alright. Everybody's invited
back to my place for freebeer!
[crowd cheering]
Boy, I, uh,
can't wait to seeyoudrunk.
Lock your doors.
They're looking for tall guys.
Congratulations.
I hope this makes up
for busting you.
What, are you kidding me?
You saved me.
- I can't wait to tell my mom.
- Your mother?
Well, she's more than my mother.
She's my best friend.
Hey, you're still here.
[instrumental music]
Okay. Okay. Now remember.
You're Altoid and I'm Deltoid.
Right, right,
and our spaceship runs on beer.
And we need much fuel
to get back to our galaxy.
- Heh-heh.
- But none of that light stuff.
'Cause it makes
the engine knock.
- Right
- Okay.
- 'Who is it?'
- Martians.
(Jones)
'Coming.'
[door opens]
- I'm Deltoid. He's Altoid.
- You guys, huh?
Well, Bigfoot's here.
Elvis will be here any minute.
Come on in.
Elvis?
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]