The Exes (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

Holly Franklin's office.
Please hold.
Holly Franklin's office.
Please hold.
Holly Franklin's office.
No, Eden's not here.
What am I wearing? Freak.
[Both laughing.]
Hi, hi.
Oh, pfft! Look at you at my desk.
Hold my calls and get me a latte! You know what's funny after you take a three-hour lunch? Nothing.
Holly, it's all my fault.
I'm just so grateful to Eden for carrying this baby for me and Jonathan, I can't help spoiling her with gifts.
Oh, I kept telling her, please, no more presents.
I really need to get back to work.
[Both laugh.]
Joan, you keep her out as long as you want.
And don't think I'm just saying that because you're the boss's wife.
I mean, it's true.
But don't think it.
[Laughs loudly.]
Nothin'? Holly, I really am sorry.
I promise to keep the lunches shorter.
It's nothing, I'm just so happy for you and Jonathan.
I can't believe I'm finally gonna be a mother.
It scares me to think it almost didn't happen.
Get on a career path and you think you have all the time in the world, but you don't.
I don't? No, no, no, no, no.
- When I said you, I meant me.
- Aha.
I'm sure you have a billion eggs and a happy, healthy uterus.
Don't mind me.
I had two drinks at lunch.
Sorry I was late, but it was worth it.
Check out this vintage watch Joan got me.
[Giggles.]
Can you hear it ticking? Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick-- Stop it! What's the matter with you? Joan freaked me out about waiting too long to have a baby.
Luckily she's a little older than I am, so I've got some time, heh.
Actually, Joan's two years younger than you.
And that's using your "wink-wink" age.
Really? My "wink-wink"? Oh, my Where are you going? To my gyno, to see how happy my uterus is.
We lost our homes we lost our wives three strangers what we gonna do our divorce lawyer said she'd put a roof over our head yeah, she came to our rescue she's where we go when our hearts are broken where we turn when we finally learn - Pow! - Ohh! That's what you get! Guys, I have something important to tell you.
Well, can't it wait till the inning's over? I'm gonna have a baby.
- Oh, my God.
- That's huge.
You idiot! Who swings at that? Holly, you're pregnant? - No.
- Dating someone? - No, no.
- Having sex? No.
Do you know how babies work? After meeting with my doctor, I know way too much.
Turns out I'm dropping eggs like a drunken easter bunny.
Holly, I didn't realize you wanted kids so bad.
Yeah.
I always planned on it, but that dream went belly up when my ex-fiance went belly down on a waitress.
His loss and for what it's worth, I think you'd make a great mom.
Give it up, nobody's gonna hit that.
Okay, I'll turn it off.
Well, Holly, sounds like all you have to do now is find Mr.
Right I don't have time for Mr.
right.
I need sperm and I need it now.
All: Whoa, whoa.
Not you guys.
I got calls out to ex-boyfriends, but so far, all I've heard are excuses.
I don't get it--in college, guys were slinging it around.
Well, listen, maybe we can help.
I mean, it's hard for a woman to ask for a man's sperm, - but it's easier for a guy.
- Ugh.
That came out wrong, what I meant was we've got friends and we've got a better chance of getting - the sperm out of 'em.
- Ugh.
Okay, someone else speak.
I think what he's trying to say is between the three of us, we could find someone and get you knocked up in no time.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Consider it done.
You're looking at a man who has a nose for semen.
Oh.
Ohh.
I'm glad we're finding a donor for Holly after all she's done for us.
I know--oh, my guy's gonna be here any minute.
I've known him since dental school.
He's tall, charming, handsome.
My heart is racing.
For Holly.
Well, that's one way to go.
I went for the creative type.
My guy has written a 10,000 page science fiction novel and he's just looking for the right publisher.
What's he doing when he's not looking? He's a dancing sandwich.
Okay, well, with all due respect to your dentist and to your sandwich, I got the guy.
Warren bannister.
High school valedictorian, full-blown nerd.
I saved him from bullies, he saved me from summer school.
Oh, oh, oh-- there's Brett.
- Stuart.
- Brett, hey, hey--how are you? Man, it's great to see you.
What have you been up to? Well, not to brag, but, uh, got myself a sweet little practice in midtown.
Just added a third chair.
I envy you, keeping things small and simple.
I had to go get all ambitious.
You own smile guys? They've got, like, 50 offices.
We're in China now.
What? You drank your way through dental school.
Ironic, isn't it? Look, Stuart, I think I know why you called, and maybe I can help.
How would you feel about relocating to a strip mall in Shanghai? No, I didn't call you about a job.
[Mocking.]
Yeah.
I know.
Three chairs.
Woo hoo.
Okay, look, you insufferable twit.
I don't want a job, I want your sperm.
Whoa, didn't see that coming.
You know, I'm a married man.
I don't fool around with guys.
In this country.
Phil chase? Warren bannister.
Wow, Warren, is that you in there, dude?! Wow, man! You look like the guy who ate the guy who ate Warren.
Thanks.
- Pretty great, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Nobody's pushing me around anymore.
Hey! I need a beer over here! Wow.
Warren, you, uh, you seem a little irritable.
How'd you bulk up? Steroids, hormones? Gamma rays? I'm takin' a supplement or two.
Oh, well, these supplements, do they have any side effects like the inability to sleep or mood swings or Is you ding-ding shootin' blanks? Hey, who needs kids when you're raising guns like these? Oh, look at the time.
Gotta get back to the geek squad.
Oh, wow, you're still working with computers.
Why wouldn't I be? I don't know It was great seeing you, Phil.
[Yelps.]
Well, we can scratch Warren off the list.
How'd it go with your dentist friend? Well, we won't get any sperm from him In this country.
- Oh, my lord.
- What's the matter? My dancing sandwich isn't gonna make it.
He got run over by a wienermobile.
They're calling it a hate crime.
Why do these women keep giving me the stink eye? Why do you think? You're a pregnant woman in a sperm bank.
It does look a bit greedy.
Too bad the guys couldn't find you anyone.
But j26809 seems promising.
Yeah, brown hair, green eyes, six-foot-four, has a doctorate.
I mean, where are these dreamboats in the real world? Apparently, locked in a room with a cup.
This is ridiculous.
I can't pick a donor without seeing pictures.
Hi, could I talk to you for a second? MildredMildred? Well that's a pretty name.
Hate it.
So what can I do for you? Well, I understand the donors are anonymous, but, woman to woman, I don't wanna get stuck with an "ug.
" You're gonna make a great mom.
That is so sweet.
So, any chance I could take a little peeky-poo at, say, j26809? Sorry, we have a no peeky-poo policy.
Well, come on, how can I have a baby with somebody if I don't know what they look like? A lot of women feel that way.
Well what do they do? They get boyfriends.
Thank you.
You've been very kind, very helpful.
So how'd it go? Bitch said no.
Ooh, shiver me timbers.
Oh, I wouldn't kick his Dixie cup out of bed.
All right, I'm gonna go straight to the source.
You go distract giggles over there.
Uh, so, Mil--Mildred? What's your story? I got some sperm here about six months ago.
What is your return policy? Look, Kent, um, I'm a caring person and a very successful attorney.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can give whatever you're about to put in that cup a real good home.
I don't know, I, uh, I don't think it works this way.
Oh, come on, fill 'er up, hmm? And if you think of me while you do it, it'd be a nice story for the baby.
I'm gonna need you to leave.
Oh, no, we're just chatting.
Oh, uh, Holly Franklin.
I'm on Facebook.
Friend me! How'd it go? Well, the man bank was a total bust.
You struck out at a sperm bank? I would have thought that was a sure thing.
Anyway, I realized that that's not how I want to have a baby anyway.
It's all so anonymous and sterile.
Well, listen, don't get discouraged, okay? - You just started this process.
- Yeah.
What's next? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe having a baby isn't in the cards for me.
You know what, I kinda feel like being alone.
[Door shuts.]
I really hate seeing Holly like this.
Yeah, me too.
Wish there was something we could do.
Well, there is.
Let's face it, the answer to her donor problem is right here in this apartment.
Time for me to step up, boys.
You? Why--why you? It's pretty obvious there's a stronger candidate in the room.
Thank you, Phil.
Not you, Haskell.
I was clearly talking about myself.
- When aren't you? - Oh! You're being judgmental.
That's a color I haven't seen on you before.
Oh, well, you'll see a lot of colors - you keep talking like that.
- Oh, really? What, you gonna make me black and blue? Enough! This is tearing us apart.
He's right.
Besides, Holly made it pretty clear she doesn't want that from us.
- I think we should respect her.
- Agreed.
Let us sheath our swords and speak of this no more.
- Thanks for meeting me.
- Well, sure.
What's up? Your search for your donor is over.
You found someone? Not just anyone, the perfect one.
- What's his name? - It's me! He's Korean? No, Holly, it's me,Phil-- I'm your guy.
Phil--you? Let's face it, nothing beats the chocolate and vanilla swirl.
Barack Obama, Halle Berry - Mm-hmm.
- The mocha mcflurry.
Well-oh, God, this-- you are so sweet to offer, Phil, but doing this with a friend is a huge decision.
Absolutely.
Take your time.
Okay.
One little thing-- let's not mention this to the other guys.
Yeah, when the baby comes, they'll know whose it is.
[Strained whisper.]
Psst! Holly! Oh What's going on? Come on in.
Come on.
- Why are you whispering? - I will tell you inside.
- What's up? - Holly, listenSit, sit.
- I've given it a lot of thought.
- Uh-huh.
And I don't want you to give up on your dream.
Holly, let me be your baby daddy.
Seriously? Yeah, no-- I know you're surprised.
I know.
But consider this.
I'm thoughtful, right? Dependable, solid, consistent, and yet, in my own madcap way, fun.
And the best part is I will be there every waking hour changing diapers, washing your nursing bras-- - Uh, no, Stu-- no, Stu.
I hadn't pictured the donor being quite that involved.
Well, sure, but that was before the donor was me.
- Oh.
- Yep.
With my seed, you also get the gardener.
Thank you so much, Stuart.
I promise to give this serious consideration.
Excellent.
And, Holly, no need to mention this to the other guys-- I will take care of that - and everything else because - Right.
- Seed.
Gardner.
- Gardner.
Got it.
[Gasps.]
Surprise.
What, that you're in my apartment or that you're wearing my kimono? Yes.
Andyes.
Haskell, I think I know why you're here.
All righty then.
Kimono off.
No! Tighten that robe.
Look, honey, when I was talking about donation, this wasn't exactly the method I had in mind.
Well, let's not get hung up on the delivery system.
Let me show you the many fine features that you could enjoy as the proud owner of a Lutz.
Okay I present the Lutz family tree.
Gertrude Lutz, my great grandmother.
Ignore the mole.
She may look like jerky with a face, but that good woman is 103 years old.
So longevity is part of the package I like to call the deluxe Lutz, orThe Delutz.
Hey, you know, Holly, I was-- oh, hell, no.
Hey, were you-- ohh, cheese and crackers, what is going on here? I might ask you the same question.
A man in a shorty kimono can't ask questions, haskell.
All right, look, it's clear we're here for the same reasons.
You guys I'm really touched.
I have three great choices.
It's a huge decision.
I gotta sleep on it.
I'll give you the answer in the morning.
- Okay.
- Fair enough.
Hey, uh, madame butterfly If you comin' home with us, you gotta put your pants back on.
No way.
I think I found a new look.
Another "pick me" gift just came.
This one's from haskell.
I'll put it with the baby booties from Stuart and black-and-white cookie from Phil.
Ew, "refrigerate after opening.
" You don't think haskell - Ohh.
- It's champagne.
Thank God.
So which one of the guys you gonna pick? Oh, I don't know.
I've been wrestling with it all night.
There has to be an intelligent way to make this decision.
- Help me.
- Ugh, right? Well, given the gravity of the situation, it seems to me this is exactly what "eenie meanie miney moe" was created for.
Knock-knock.
Thought we'd come and steal Eden away for lunch.
- Hope you don't mind.
- Oh, not at all, heh.
Yeah, I want a lobster as big as me.
[All laugh.]
And for dessert, shopping? [Gasps.]
Yay! Having babies is fun! You're not the only one having a good time.
All the planning and shopping for clothes.
Getting the nursery ready.
It's brought us even closer.
We haven't been this happy since the day we were married.
And look at my wife.
She's glowing.
Have you ever seen two people more in love? No, I haven't.
Well, enough standing around.
Let's go buy me things! Oh! Hi, guys.
Holly, have you made your decision? Yes, I have.
Holly, I think I speak for the three of us when I say, no matter who you pick, we'll all support you.
Haskell, haskell, haskell.
Look, every day I spend with you guys you remind me why you're the most important men in my life.
Which is what makes this so difficult.
- Haskell - [Giggles nervously.]
You're smart, funny, and your family tree was strangely appealing.
Sorry, boys.
But I can't pick you.
I should have worn a shorter kimono.
[Laughter.]
Stuart - [Sighs.]
- [Chuckles softly.]
You are the sweetest, kindest, - most compassionate man.
- Oh, crap.
Holly, I am humbled by this, and, uh, you know, with all due respect to my fellow competitors I'm the one that Holly picked I'm the one that Holly picked Holly picked - No, you're not.
Say what? Listen, Phil You're an amazing guy, and whenever I'm with you, something exciting and unexpected happens.
ButI can't choose you either.
Well, then, who's it gonna be? No one.
See, when is saw my boss and his wife together today, I realized I'm not ready to give up on love yet.
I don't just want a baby, I want it all.
- Oh I thought your clock is ticking.
- Oh it is.
So I'll freeze some eggs until the right guy comes along, but Important thing is I just I want you guys to know how much I love you stepping up and genuinely being there for me.
Oh, anytime.
Of course.
Excuse me.
Uncle haskell! I just came by to tell you I got into MIT.
And I caught 5 for the Olympic swim team.
You're late.
And you're not getting paid.