The Fast Show s02e07 Episode Script

We took this skullfrom another laboratory.
Heh heh heh heh! Didn't we, Dave? (HACKING COUGH) (CLEARS HIS THROAT) - Um - (COUGHS) Bob, I'm sorry to interrupt you while you're rehearsing, but we've got a problem.
(COUGHS) Oh, yes, Nick, what's that? Well, it's your coughing.
Is it really that noticeable? (COUGHS) Upstairs says, if you don't do something about it, you'll lose the show.
Wellthere's nothing I can do about it, is there, Nick? Well, you could try taking this cough medicine.
Cough medicine.
What will they think of next? (COUGHS) Well, I'll have a go.
There's no side effects, I suppose, Nick? No, no, it's just cough medicine.
Nothing to worry about.
Good luck, Bob.
Careful or I'll spill it.
(COUGHS) You going away on holiday this year, Dave? Yeah, I'm thinking of going to Tenerife.
– Tenerife? – Yeah.
– You sure about that, Dave? – Yeah.
– Tenerife? How long for? – Three weeks.
– Three weeks? Tenerife? You sure? – .
.
Yeah.
– Three weeks in Tenerife? – Yeah.
I'm gonna book it this afternoon.
Julie's very happy about it.
She knows if I've got my mind set on something, I gotta have it.
– You'd be better off going to Italy.
– I wouldn't.
– What about a Greek island? Crete? – Corfu? – Cos? – Rhodes? – Why not go to Ibiza and 'ave it large? – I don't wanna go to Ibiza and 'ave it large! I wanna go to Tenerife with my girlfriend.
Three weeks, August.
– August?! You'll fry! – Your best time for Tenerife – May.
Maybe it is, but I'm going in August.
– June? – No! August! – Can I interest you in early July? – No, August.
– All right, Dave.
Fair enough, mate.
– Late July? – No! – I'm proud of you, mate.
It's your decision.
– Come on, we'll be late for work.
– See you later! – Ta–ra.
– See you.
– September! – No! Do I mean Tenerife? Oh, Gawd! This week, I are followed through.
(COOLJAZZ) Hello, and welcome to "Jazz Club".
Tonight, Latin jazz.
Mmm, nice.
The Latin American rhythms and instrumentation of South America have brought us great names.
Astrid Gilberta, Tito Cuente, Carlos Valderama and Dado Rail.
But tonight, perhaps, none greater than these, playing live in the studio – Jesus Mendoza Con Unidoth del Aluthath! Nithe! (START AT DIFFERENT TIMES) (PLAY VERY BADLY) Oh, oh, suit you, sir.
Oh! (INAUDIBLE) Oh! Oh! Do you like the skin of supermodels, sir? They're all right to look at, but with a voluptuous type of woman, it's a more comfortable ride, sir.
Oh! The Bentley approach rather than the Morgan, sir.
Oh! – Do you mind? I'm trying to watch the show.
– Ken's got a point, though, sir.
– Thanks, Kenneth.
– I bet you'd like to be up there, sir, mm? Snuffling around like a pig looking for a truffle, sir.
– Oh, suit you! – Suit you, sir, mm? Linda Evangelista, Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, the other one.
Which one would you like to take home, sir, wrapped up in pink ribbon? – Suit you.
– Suit you, sir.
I'd like them all, sir.
Imagine, sir, Elle Macpherson, The Body, in your bathroom! Ohh! Cleaning her teeth, bending over your sink in the morning, sir.
What a treat, sir! Oh, suit you, sir.
Oh, sir, quick, sir, look, sir! Silk, sir.
Oh, queen of fabrics, mmm! Imagine, sir, next to the skin – next to your lady friend's skin! You wouldn't bother taking it off, sir, would you? You'd just nose it to one side! – Rip it off with your teeth, sir! Oh, suit you, sir! – Oh! Will you shut up?! Are you a buyer, sir or are you just here for a wank? (HACKING COUGHS) Ahhh! Hello, Bob Fleming here.
(COUGHS) Hello, Bob Fleming here! On the show today Ahem! Hello! Bob Fleming here! (FALSETTO) # Hello! # Hurrah! So I says to him, "'Ere!" I says to him, "Hey!" I says to him, "Oi! Oooh!" Where's me washboard? Eh?! Heh heh heh! I'll tell ya All right, I'll get round to you in a minute! I'd rather open a can of worms than bob up and down in the moonlight with a dirty hanky like your brother and his friend! You know what I'm talkin' about even if I don't! Heh heh heh! Oi! Pass the mustard and less of your lip! Quick, the Germans are coming! Hide, Mother! Ooh, how queer! (QUAVERY VOICE) Help a tired old man find his way back home, please! Ooh, 'ere, I dunno what YOU'RE looking at, sir! Yes, you! Is that a moustache on your lip or is it shit? – (BOOING) – Oh, no, no, no, I didn't mean to say that.
No How queer! Where's me washboard? Well, there's the evidence.
You've just seen it.
Pandemonium ensued.
Swearing on radio was akin to being caught with your hand in the Queen Mother's knickers.
Arthur went from being talk of the town to the whisper of the village.
His fan club closed, the BBC tore up his contract and he couldn't get a game of golf.
Do I care? No! Sandra Timmins there on crack.
With me in the studio, I have Sir Geoffrey Norman MP, co–author of a new government white paper on immigration.
Is it fair to say that this paper proposes radical changes to government policy? I cannot answer that question.
The paper is published next week.
It'd be wrong of me to comment on it before that time.
You've already stated in an interview that the proposals are far–reaching.
I didn't.
You've taken my words out of context.
– You said on "Today" – No, I did not.
– Yes, you did.
This morning.
– I've never been on "Today" and never will.
I will not answer any questions on this topic.
I am prepared to answer any other questions on government policy.
Very well.
How much has your government's European policy been influenced No, no, no, no, no, no.
If you think I'm going to answer questions on government policy, you're quite wrong.
– You're a critic on the topic of border – No, I'm not.
– You put your name to a recent paper.
– No, I didn't.
– It's here in black and white.
– My name is not on that paper.
– Yes, it is, look.
– No! No, I'm not looking.
No.
We'll go over to our Manchester studio and bring in No, no, you can't do that.
– Sir Geoffrey, would you leave, please? – No, I'm not leaving.
– Go away! – No! Excuse me, you couldn't Excuse me.
Listen, you couldn't watch my bags for a second? My little girl's desperate for the loo.
I can't manage it with the bags.
You havin' a laugh, darling? You couldn't trust me with them, girl.
I'd just nick 'em! No, I will nick 'em.
I'm a bit dodgy.
I'm a bit wurrrr, a little bit waay! You know, a bit fly.
No, look, I'm a geezer, I will nick 'em! I'll nick anything! I won't be a second.
Thanks very much.
Suit yourself.
– You all right, then, Bob? – Oh, yes, Nick, never better.
– No tickles? – No.
That cough medicine's done the trick.
– Great.
And there's no side effects? – No, no, no.
– Oh, great.
Well, stand by.
Good luck.
– Thank you.
(NICK) OK, ready to goin three, two Hello, there.
Bob Fleming here.
Today we'll be taking a look at the cooper's art, the ancient craft of barrel–making.
First, who's a countryman's most loyal friend? (PHWRRRRRRRRRRT) Yes, that's right, a dog.
(PHRRRTTT) The best dog in terms of personality (PHWRRT) and work–rate and downright good fun is, without doubt, a Labrador.
(PHWWRRRRRRRRRRRRT) Where'd country folk be without the Labrador? (PHWRRRRRRRRRRRT) (UPBEAT THEME MUSIC) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Oh, bono estente, bono estente! Yackety–yack veneto tonsillitis Llantysiliogogogoch ton "Family Show"! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Ahh, Mr Hoppy, dicto "bono estente" ton kiddies! Bono estente, kiddies! OK, waldos, sminki brescon grados! Ah–ha! (LASCIVIOUSLY) Bono estente, huh? Hey, mixa! (WHISPERS) Si, si, si, si, stand there.
– Three! – (EXPLOSION) Apologias.
Terroriste, eh? Victor! Heth–eth–eth–eth–eth–eth Chris Waddle! Ria veteros veneto het ce soir to "Big Family Show"! Bonko, Rumpo, Crumpet! (WHISTLING AND CHEERING) Te oko loso ton Poutremos Poutros Poutremos e ton special guest Mitzi Kaput! Judgementia e Poutremos! – Tremendous percy.
– Mm, anaconda.
Anaconda.
Drago.
Mantanato adios ton topo.
Hey, Mitzi, contos de bubo babes fabuloso.
– Ton corporio magnifico! Te bubo humungous! – Magnifico.
Son corporio splendido heth–eth–eth–eth–eth dairylea! Ribena, mm.
Mantenato adios ton wonderbra favore.
(GASPS) El Presidente! (PATRIOTIC MUSIC) Bonko, Rumpo, Crumpet! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Do you know what, right? I'd really love to be a supermodel.
I think it'd be dead good.
You don't have to be clever or do owt, you just have to stand there.
I mean, you don't even have to talk.
You might be asked to write a book, but you could get someone else to write that for you.
I wouldn't mind just being a model.
Wouldn't have to be super.
Although super would be better, 'cause they are – super, you know.
I mean, I know I'm only short, but they must sometimes need short supermodels, you know, for modelling short clothes.
I think there is a gap in the market.
You know, like the gap between tall people and short people.
I know I'm pretty 'cause someone's asked me to be in a film.
It's only a documentary about schoolgirls who have a baby, but it is a start.
I mean, people say, "Is it hard managing to bring up a baby on your own?" But I can't marry the baby's father, you know, 'cause he's already married and it's not fair to grass on your headmaster.
It's now my not inconsiderable pleasure to call upon Sir Geoffrey Norman to open this exhibition.
– Sir Geoffrey.
– No, no, no.
What you have to understand is I'm not going to open thisthing of yours, whatever it is.
I'm not going to open it for you or for anybody.
That's my final word on the subject.
No.
No.
(RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) .
.
when I was young.
I mean, it happens to every young man, I'm sure.
(RAMBLES ON).
.
but she was a really beautiful woman and I(RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) She had a very long neck.
(RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY) .
.
very intelligent.
(RAMBLES).
.
very piercing eyes.
Then, of course, the war came along.
There was never anything between us, you see.
I rememberan absolutely beautiful song.
(SINGS INCOHERENTLY) I can't remember any more (RAMBLES INCOHERENTLY) (RAMBLES ON) .
.
I was in absolute floods of tears.
And I noticed it was very, very cold and she was very.
And I held her in my arms.
I'm afraid I was very drunk.
(CLOCK CHIMES) Thank you, love.
Put that down there.
Come on, Toby, your go.
Quick, quick.
Ah, four.
No, I'll do it.
One, two, three, four.
Hmm, Mayfair.
My property, my hotel.
That'll be £2,000, please, young man.
– I've only got £300 left.
– Sorry, but you must pay the fee demanded.
– £2,000, please.
– He's only got 300, love I'd rather you didn't interrupt, dear.
He must learn the value of money.
Take a note, please.
Jot this down.
At 7.
41on the 24th October Don't worry about the year.
.
.
Toby Johnstone could not pay the sum of £2,000 after landing on his father's property.
– It's only a game, love.
– I'll take it out of your pocket money.
– I'll be charging interest at the current rate.
– It isn't fair.
– Well, life isn't fair.
– I only get £2 a week.
You should've thought of that before landing on my property.
Go to your room and ruminate on how lucky you are that I haven't taken legal action.
And brush your teeth, as well.
– Actually, I think I will give Maurice a call.
– Love Shh! Just to clarify my position.
Hello, Maurice, Simon Johnstone here.
Sorry to call you at home.
Could you give me a rundown on suing members of my own family? No, no, my son.
And unfortunately I left my fingerprints all over the handle, so it looks like I'll be going down for 15 years, which is a shame.
– Are you the owner of this vehicle? – No.
– Do you mind telling me who is.
– No, I can't do that.
– But you are the driver, sir.
– No.
– You're sitting in the driver's seat, sir.
– No, I'm not.
– I see.
It's like that, is it, sir? – No, it isn't.
– Would you mind blowing into this, sir? – No, no, no, no.
I'm not going to blow into that.
I'm not going to blow into it for you or anybody.
– You'll have to accompany me to the station.
– No, I'm afraid not.
I'm not going to do that.
I've no alternative but to place you under arrest.
That's where we differ.
You will not place me under arrest.
That's my final word on the subject.
Good day.
– You ain't got nothing on me, bitch! – I know you did it.
I've got proof.
Jacko's talked, so you can wipe that stupid smirk off your face.
I'm gonna make you wish you'd never been born.
There's no point in covering for Jacko.
He's a nonce.
I'm putting you away, Arlene.
– You, Jacko and every other slag who – (KNOCK) Come.
– Everything all right, Guv? – Umwell, I don't know.
I think she's done a bad thing, but I'm not sure.
But she did call me a rude and horrid word.
I thought I was gonna cry.
I can't work this thing.
I'm having problems with the buttons.
– Shall I take over? – Oh, yes! You're so much better than me! – Shall I make you a cup of tea or coffee? – Yeah, tea would be nice.
In't golf brilliant? It's fantastic, innit? You play it in Scotland, and you hit a ball with a big stick into a hole a long way off.
You can have as many go's as you like.
Old men play it, which is brilliant, 'cause they're rubbish at football.
You play golf on a green.
It's called a green because it's green.
In't grass brilliant? Imagine what life would be like without grass.
All the sheep'd die and we'd have no jumpers or lamb chops.
That'd be terrible, wouldn't it? Really terrible! Grass snakes would have nowhere to live.
Or they'd have to change their names to – I don't know – mud snakes or something.
Aren't horses fantastic? They're like old–fashioned cars, except they haven't got no windscreen wipers.
Brilliant! Oh, God, I'm sorry I'm late! – Oh, hi.
– Hi.
– Oh, it's embarrassing on our first date.
– Don't worry about it.
It's all right.
UmI'm afraid I thought you'd stood me up so I've already ordered.
– Would you like to see a menu, madam? – No.
I'll just have the vegetarian special.
And for you, sir.
Pâté de foie gras followed by the veal.
Anything else? Yeah, can you get me coat, please? Can you help? I've just come from the park.
Someone came up and took off with my dog! Hold on, madam.
ErGeorge, this lady says she's looking for eternal salvation in the Lord.
– Another convert, Sarge? – I didn't say that.
I said someone came up and took off with my dog.
Right, scratch that, George.
She's changed her mind.
– Dog, you say, madam.
What's its name? – It's a she.
She is called Jess.
Jess.
Right, so that's J–E–S–U–S.
No, she's called Jess and you've just written Jesus.
So I have.
Still, it's a lovely word, isn't it? – Jesus.
– Jesus.
He died for all our sins, madam.
Right, sorry, madam.
You say you were in the park when you lost little Jessie.
– Would that be the park by the church? – No, the one by the lake.
But you can see the Church of Our Lady from there.
Can you? Would you have been able to hear the faithful singing? Something like this.
Kum ba yah, my Lord, Kum ba yah – Would you have been able to hear that? – I suppose so.
If you had heard it, how loudly would they have been singing? (QUIETLY) # Kum ba yah, my Lord, Kum ba yah # Or more (LOUDLY) # Oh, Lord, Kum ba yah! # All right.
Well, um, if they had been singing, from where I was, it would've been about as loud asum (QUIETLY) # Kum ba yah, my Lord, Kum ba yah (ALL) # Kum ba yah, my Lord, Kum ba yah Kum ba yah, my Lord, Kum ba yah – # Oh, Lord, Kum ba yahhh # – A convert for the Lord, Les? – Could be, Ted! – Hallelujah! This fella that took your dog, can you describe him? Umyes.
He was quite tall and had long, straggly hair.
– Oh, and a sort of a beard.
– (WHISPERS) It does sound a little bit like Jesus, doesn't it? Are you going to do anything to help me? – Yes! – Don't say, "Yes, we're going to pray.
" – Ah.
– No, it's all right.
Now, did this man Oh, my goodness! I've just been overwhelmed with the love of Our Lord! Lovely when that happens, isn't it? I don't wish to appear cynical, but somebody's stolen my dog! Will you do anything about it? Well, madam, apparently we arrested someone earlier today who answers your description.
– That's marvellous news! – Even better news.
We forgave him and let him go.
– That'll be £7.
40, mate.
– No, it won't.
Happy birthday, Ted.
– 'Ere, Ted.
Happy birthday.
– Thank you very much.
– Get that down, you old bugger! – Not so much of the old! – Come on, I'll box you! – Break it up, you two.
I've got a strip–o–gram coming in a minute! (RALPH) Happy birthday, Ted.
I just thought I'd pop in and join in the fun, have a weedrink.
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Ted, to you.
Happy birthday to youTed.
Happy birthday, Ted, you old bastard! You shit–faced yet? Oops.
Ted, Ieralmost forgot.
Your card.
Thank you very much, sir.
A nice picture of an old car on the front, sir.
Go on, open it up.
I'veer I've written you a little poem.
Why don't you r–read it out? – Go on, Ted, read it out.
– Go on, give it a go.
No, no, silly of me.
I should read it.
It is, after all, from me to you.
Ahem.
"Through driving rain and fog and bitter frost, through winter gales and summer's drought, "on night–black freezing winter dawns, you don your cap and struggle out.
"In your heart, a root and branch, your feet are rooted in the loam.
"Strong and honest, quiet and strong, a single mighty oak that stands alone.
"And storms may rage, black clouds will boil, walls of rain obscure the oak from view.
"But when at last the rainbow paints itself across the sky, "the sun breaks free, the storm clouds fly, "there, alone, atop the hill "a testament to every man, "silent, ageless and unbowed, "the oakstill stands.
" Come and look! Spider and Nick Hardy am having a fight in the car park! Come on, Ted, let'sgo and watch the fight.