The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e07 Episode Script

[Arthur.]
Let's go now.
We don't wanna keep our friends From the network waiting.
[Larry.]
We don't? No, we don't.
Well, i do.
I'm gonna keep them waiting.
No, you're going to be A good boy And listen To all their suggestions About who'd they'd like To see host This new 12:30 talk show That follows us.
Fine.
How long do i have To pretend to listen? Oh, please, larry.
Don't piss all over Their suggestions.
I am.
I'm going To piss all over them.
Try to show A little restraint.
And then, when they feel, As network executives, That they've done their jobs, You will tell them Who the host Is really going to be.
Let me ask you something.
Do you think When johnny carson Picked david letterman To go after him at 12:30, He went through this shit? Hell, no.
Nobody fucked with johnny.
Exactly.
Before we get started, I just want to tell you We're all looking forward To seeing you At the american Television awards Tomorrow night.
That's just what america needs-- Another fucking awards show.
Political bullshit.
You kiss somebody's ass, And they send your name To the engravers.
I prefer to let The work speak For itself.
Larry, you have A good shot at it This year.
Really? Yeah.
Will they Send a limo? Town car.
Oh, good.
Much less gaudy.
Could we get down To the business at hand? Larry, arthur, the 12:30 Slot is wide open.
Now, our only competition so far Is, uh, conan o'brien.
Does anyone know Who's on after Letterman? That's under Real tight wraps.
What's important is Who's on after Larry sanders.
We've got A list of possible Host candidates That we're sure You'll be excited about.
[Larry.]
Good.
I'm all ears.
The affiliates Have approved all these.
First up, Bob saget.
Saget-- Good name.
Excellent name, But he's doing Some shows.
Wouldn't this Be too much? Bob is a mule.
How about dave coulier? Who? Dave coulier.
You're raiding The cast Of full house, huh? Check into The olsen twins.
I hear, once their parents Go to sleep, they're wild.
Really? I'll see If they're interested.
Melanie, if i may-- Oh, please do.
As executive producer Of this show And a talk show host Himself, I know what it takes To have a successful Talk show.
I have a couple Of ideas.
You have somebody in mind? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
[Melanie.]
Who? Bobcat goldthwait.
Uh, the affiliates Have already Rejected that name, Larry.
Is he the guy Who makes the animal Noises? I knew you'd Say that.
That's just one Of his colors.
He doesn't Do that voice All the time.
He's very funny.
Larry, you know, There's a lot of funny Out there, And we're looking for The right kind of funny.
You know, Dennis, i think The kind of funny that-- [Clears throat.]
Artie? Larry feels strongly About this, And i agree with him.
Let's get together And close ranks Behind larry.
Let's take a good look At tomcat.
Bobcat.
Whatever.
The affiliates are never Gonna go for this.
Well, look, i have A great relationship With the affiliates.
Let me sell it to them.
You think mr.
Goldthwait Would be willing To do some sort Of presentation? I don't see Why not.
If they don't Approve it, larry, It can't fly.
It's that simple.
Sure.
No, I understand that, But bob is very Gung-ho about this.
I'm sure he'd Be happy to.
He's a hungry performer.
Yeah.
[Together.]
That's what you want.
Ok, then.
Let's keep A tight lid on this.
Hey, kevin.
Larry.
Hey, man, Good to see you.
What are you Doing here? Just passing through town, Doing my film.
Oh.
What film? You Doing the coneheads? No.
hans and franz.
That will be good, Too.
Are you hans Or franz? Franz-- hans.
No.
Franz.
Franz.
Carvey's hans.
Franz is The funny one.
I heard You're looking At saget and coulier For the 12:30 slot.
Where'd You hear that? Carvey.
Carvey should Get a fucking hobby.
Hans and franz-- That's just A character i did.
I'm best at Interacting with people.
That's a big part Of my act.
You listening to me? Yeah.
You're talking About interacting With people.
What we're doing now.
Look, i'm a big fan.
You know i love you, But the network Wants bobcat goldthwait For the 12:30 slot.
Bobcat.
That's funny.
Was gallagher tied up Or something? I think bobcat'll Be good.
[Bell dings.]
Bobcat.
You are serious.
Yeah.
But listen.
Let's, uh-- Let's get together And talk soon.
Really? About The late-night slot? Hey, artie What the fuck is going on? I thought we were-- What is this? "Sanders tabs saget For 12:30 gab Comedy fest"? We were keeping A lid on this.
We did.
They didn't.
It's the front page.
I don't need This pressure.
I'm sure this Is the end of it.
Gilbert gottfried called, Bob saget called, Allan havey Called several times, Louie anderson, Steven wright, Robert klein, And sinbad.
Goddamn hyenas.
I'll take care Of these.
What, was david brenner Out of the country? David brenner sent brownies.
What does the award Look like? It's probably A statue Of a guy's head Halfway up Another guy's ass.
I already have A fountain like that.
Vito, i would like This is it, gentlemen.
This is fucking it.
The seeds of disrespect For hank kingsley That have been sown So liberally around here Have finally Come to bloom.
Doesn't the left one Look longer? Absolutely.
Can we, uh-- Can we? Bring it up About a quarter-- Please.
Excuse us for a second.
Come back in a second.
Thanks, vito.
Don't forget to Take care of him.
Look at this.
Is this that Horseshit fan club Newsletter of yours? You can't use Office supplies To put out this Goddamn thing.
I'm trying to find A local printer To handle the volume.
You said that I cannot Talk about this now.
I just can't.
"Hank's thoughts"? Yes-- no.
"Hank's memories"? Yeah.
"I remember Those winter days "When i'd return home From my paper route, "My toes and fingers Dead from the cold.
"How i wanted To quit that job, "But whenever I mentioned it to mom, "She always said, 'Hank, always remember 'Penis, vagina.
Ooh.
Penis, vagina.
Penis, vagina.
'" What the hell Is this, hank? It is unbelievable, Isn't it? Yeah.
This is what my mom Used to say to me.
What are the odds Of that? That's not funny, larry, Because our postal service Is carrying Over 4,000 of these To homes across america.
Paper doesn't Grow on trees.
Why didn't you Proof this? Well, that is darlene's job.
Isn't that right, Darlene? I'm sorry, hank.
I want the person Who did this.
I want a head On my plate today, Because some scumbag, Some useless piece Of humanity Is responsible.
It's awful.
So it wasn't you, lar? You-- No, i didn't.
Hank, we've got bigger Fish to fry.
Oh, well.
Excuse me.
[Laughing.]
Oh, god.
Enjoying your handiwork? It's kind of a crude way To expand your readership, Isn't it, hank? Shut your mouth, You little shit.
Hey.
Well, i guess we know Which side of the family You get that mouth from.
You listen to me-- Just control yourself, hank.
Ok, phil, i appreciate A good penis, vagina joke As much as the next man, But, uh You think i did this? It screams you.
It screams penis, vagina More than anything.
Come on, phil.
I didn't do this.
I swear to you, Hank.
I admire the idea, But the execution Is sophomoric.
I'd have said You come home From a hard day At the paper route.
Your mom's there With a thin Dressing gown That slips open, And Easy.
He didn't do it.
Let it go.
Where's jerry? You just simmer down.
You go handle this With jerry yourself.
I'm talking to affiliates, God damn it! [Steven wright.]
Larry, i know i don't Have to tell you this, But i'm a people person.
I like people.
I like to ask People questions, And i like to have Other people watch When i'm doing that.
Look, steven.
The network Is leaning towards Bobcat goldthwait.
There's nothing I can do.
My hands Are over a barrel.
Goldthwait? Bobcat goldthwait.
He--that guy Has such a weird energy.
Jerry.
Hey, hank.
How's it going? How's it going? How's it going? I read my fan club Newsletter this morning, So how do you Think it's going? I don't know.
Hang out for a second.
Sure, long enough To say penis, vagina.
[Chuckles.]
Penis, vagina.
Penis, vagina.
Uh, hank.
Penis, vagina.
Penis, vagina.
Penis, vagina.
Doesn't sound so clever When it gets thrown Back in your face, Does it, Mr.
Penis, vagina? Uh, hank, This is my mom shirley capen.
This is Hank kingsley.
How do you do? How do you do? What a pleasure it is To meet the mother Of this very talented Young man.
Are you in town To, uh, visit jerry? No, i'm here With my church group For a bible study Conference.
I gotta run, uh, 'Cause i have some toast In the toasterette.
[Chuckles.]
Not the toasterette, The kitchenette.
And, uh A pleasure.
Things are going great For you.
You got the tv series Coming up with rickles.
That is great.
You're also in the movie robin hood: men in tights, So you must be happy.
Yeah.
Well, you know.
That's not My whole life.
I'd like a wife eventually.
I'll be 111 When i have a kid In little league.
I can't relax.
I don't know about you, But-- forget him.
Even on a blind date, I insist we go To counseling on the way.
I don't know if it's Ever going to happen.
Yeah.
We'll talk About it later.
We'll come back.
Stay tuned.
Very funny.
[Applause.]
We'll be right back.
I did ok? Yeah.
Did i get All the plugs in? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Was i all right? Good.
Fine.
It's been a while.
What's doing? Huh? Give me a break.
What? Come on.
Bob goldthwait's Doing the 12:30 Show, ok? You're good And everything.
I think you're Really talented, But my hands are tied.
He's doing it.
The position's filled.
You think that i-- That i want that slot? Duh! Larry, come on.
What are you, crazy? You're joking.
I got a series and movies.
Besides, who wants To do a talk show Five nights a week? You.
You really mean What are you doing, man? What am i doing? What are you doing? God, this 12:30 thing Is really God, it's really making you, Like, a different guy.
What's going on with you? What do you mean? What do i mean? How long have i known you? Like, 15 years? Mm-hmm.
You're finally-- You're changing.
You're not even yourself-- I ran into steven wright And kevin nealon, And they told me about this, But i didn't wanna believe this.
Excuse me.
Hey, hank.
How you been? I haven't seen you.
Awful.
Someone's been tampering With "hank's memories.
" Wow.
Sorry.
Sid.
Sid, the cue-card guy.
Huh? I cut him off In the parking lot last year During the holiday season.
That's my man.
But what to do? Yeah.
You know, these Awards tonight-- You think we have A chance? Yes, i do.
You know? Me, too.
i would like to accept this very gracious recognition.
thank you very much.
Hey, are you, uh-- Can i use this? [Clears throat.]
Larry, How you doing? Oh, hey, dave.
Hey, congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
You lost some weight.
Yeah.
80 pounds.
I was up around 280.
I'm down to about 200 now.
You look good.
Cbs make you lose That weight? Yeah.
How you been? Good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm having trouble-- Trouble finding One of those guys To take the 12:30 spot After me.
Me, too.
It's killing me.
It's fucked.
There's only a handful Of guys that can do it.
Who are you Thinking about? I can't tell you.
Well, come on.
There's no one around.
Who are you thinking about? I can't tell you.
I'll tell you mine.
I would tell you if i could.
You want a straw? No, thanks.
Who are you Thinking about? It's a big deal.
It's a big Responsibility.
We're leaning towards Bobcat goldthwait.
Oh.
He's great.
The animal "Ah ah ah!" He shouts.
It'll be good going Into commercials-- "We'll be right back!" Yeah, that's cute.
I like that.
Who are you Thinking about? I can't tell you.
Come on.
Come on.
It's between us.
I can't tell you.
Who is it? What did i say? If i could, i would.
Come on.
You should be On a high right now.
You're moving.
Who is it? Tom snyder.
But don't tell anyone.
Oh, come on.
Tom snyder-- tomorrow-- tom snyder.
Come on.
No.
Yeah.
Tom snyder.
The original tom snyder Has got you Yeah.
His hair is back.
He's ready to go.
Wow.
Tom snyder.
I'm shocked.
No, it's gonna be great.
God.
No, we're very happy With him.
Dick cavett tied up? I couldn't answer to that.
Well, good luck.
Listen, i'm sorry about that You didn't win tonight.
I'm glad you got that.
You deserve that.
Well, i'm happy.
It's a nice little pat On the back.
But the thing I admire about you-- You're the kind of guy-- This is not important to you.
The awards mean nothing to me.
What's important to you Is the work.
And thank goodness for you And your friends and family.
You can go out every night And prove yourself all over, And you get that feeling Of accomplishment And satisfaction.
And that's the best thing.
The award is really not That important, is it? Yeah.
No.
No.
What is that-- Is it heavy? This is one of those Rare moments in my life When i know now I can do something for you That i think will mean A great deal.
Take the award.
I'm not kidding around This time.
Take it, please.
It would mean a lot to me To take it.
Go ahead.
Okay.
You're insane! Boy, oh, boy, are you nuts.
You're a fucker.
I've never seen a guy Like you.
You're a fucker.
Wow.
Yeah.
Sure.
Good luck with That snyder thing.
Now listen, the affiliates Are to my left, all right? Don't look.
And i just want you To go out and have-- Is there anything i can do? No, you've already done a lot.
I mean, giving me this Is a pretty cool.
Thanks.
All right.
I think You're gonna do great.
I just want you to have fun, Because just remember, As far as i'm concerned, This is a done deal.
All right? Great.
[Screeching.]
Hi! Welcome to the bobcat goldthwait show! That's me, bobcat.
Please watch, or i'll Come to your house.
The show won't be like Any other show.
I won't even have Real chairs.
I'll have Beanbag chairs.
I won't even have a desk.
I'll have a beanbag desk.
So a guest comes on, Puts a beverage On the wobbly desk.
That will be funny, Right? And then, like-- ok Who's the guy In the golf slacks? Oh, that's Artie hankins, Kansas city Affiliate-- Super guy.
Yeah? Good.
[Bobcat.]
"Why, thank you, bobcat.
I've always been Attracted to you.
" I'll go, "Oh, thank you, madonna.
I'm a big fan.
" "Oh, no problem.
You're kind of-- I consider you Date bait.
" But it'd be madonna, Not me.
Then we'll have a band.
[Yells.]
I don't have a theme yet.
Then another thing I'll do-- Uh, bob.
Bob.
Wednesday Is no-pants night.
I don't care who The guest is.
No pants.
That's a great one.
Hey, uh, listen, Bob.
Uh, are you going To do this In your real voice, Or what? Are you turning On me, too? No, no.
I just think-- I love This character, But the affiliates-- I think They want to know You're something Other than that.
They think You're crazy.
Should i Take it down? Could you? That's great.
Maybe just down To a 7.
That is a 7.
That was a 7? Yeah.
You know, do a 2? No, i can do a 2.
That's great.
It's hilarious.
Oh, good.
It's a done deal Anyway.
Sure.
There's also going To be a live band.
Whoa! We're back From our little interruption! Another thing on the show-- A regular feature-- Let's say the guest Is donna mills.
She's yammering away, Plugging something.
I'll have a giant nerf bat, Bigger than this.
I'll just go, "That's fascinating.
Please tell me some more About your pets.
" Boom! Smack her right In the face! I'll hit her so hard, Her makeup will stick.
It'll be like The holy shroud of donna.
The crowd will go crazy.
Is this what You really want? Get the young People's favorite-- Pauly shore.
I happen to think This is still funny, ok? It's different, More daring.
If it's not different, Why bother? The network wants Coulier and saget.
Why not put them Together? It worked For the smothers Brothers.
The smothers brothers Are actually brothers.
Coulier and saget Aren't related.
How about rowan And martin? I'm not Changing my mind.
If i cave in now, The network Will question me On everything I want to do.
Larry, Listen carefully.
This is not you Against the network.
It's you against The most powerful People In television-- The affiliates.
They'll never Buy it, kiddo.
I have a good Relationship With the affiliates.
See how long That lasts After bobcat bashes Donna mills' face in With a nerf bat.
He won't.
He'll be fine.
He'll last exactly And then they'll Dump you both And put on reruns Of macmillan and wife And hawaii five-zilch.
Then sometimes, I won't even be on the show.
My voice will come From a box like this.
It will be This disembodied voice, You know, Like a beckett play.
How long do i have To make my decision? You're announcing it On the show Tomorrow night.
[Bobcat chattering.]
I hope we made The right choice.
The network's Certainly intrigued.
I feel good About it.
Arthur, can i talk To you, please? You ok, sid? Some asshole Put a potato In the tailpipe Of my car.
That's awful.
Who would do that? I'll kill The bastard.
Did you used to work At the post office? I did it, artie.
Did what? I did it-- "Penis, vagina, Penis, vagina.
" You put that In the newsletter? You're kidding.
I love hank.
I really do.
But sometimes he makes Me do crummy jobs.
He talks to me Like i'm an idiot.
I just wanted To hurt him.
I know the feeling.
I'm beginning to worry About you, sweetie.
But i think you're finding A place for yourself In this business.
Oh, i hope so, Artie.
Thank you so much.
Ah, secrets, Secrets.
Darlene, pull my car To the back door And have it running as soon As the show is over.
Keep that Interior temp As close to 68 As possible, capisce? Yes, sir.
That's my girl.
Penis, vagina Bill clinton nominated a woman To the supreme court, Or as clarence thomas Likes to say New meat.
Now, i'd like to get on To a very important issue.
There's been a lot Of misinformation About who we are putting on In the 12:30 slot After us, the larry sanders show.
I'd like to end the speculation By announcing And introducing the new host Of the 12:30 slot to you now.
He's an old friend And a very talented man-- Mr.
Tom snyder! Tom snyder! [Applause.]
Hi, larry.
Good to see you, tom.
Pleased to be here.
Now, tom-- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, folks.
It looks like We've really made The right choice.
Wow.
How do i Follow this at 12:30? It won't be easy, But if there's Anybody who can do it, It's you.
Tom, welcome To the family.
Thanks.
Pleasure to be Back on the network-- Finally out of cnbc.
[Laughs.]
Back in the 12:30 a.
M.
Saddle.
Maybe you'll get A regular chair This time.
Funny man-- Larry sanders.
Ho ho! Funny, funny man.
Now, listen, What kind of show Will you be doing? You ask me now? I ask you now.
Will it be similar To the old show? Well, it will be A little one-on-one.
That's always Been something i do-- Covering issues.
There's a lot of stuff Going on that's important.
It's high time Late-night television Got back to covering Things that matter.
I couldn't Agree more.
Agree.
No.
10.
What kind of guests Will you be having? Well, i'll tell you Something.
I'd like to have you On the air-- Go behind the scenes.
Get to the bottom Of larry sanders.
Agree.
[Applause.]
What do you say? I'm, uh-- i'm in.
I'm in.
Absolutely.
I'm as good As there.
If i can't make it, I'll send hank.
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
Boy, they seem To like him.
Yeah.
Well, They'd better.
It cost us an arm and a leg To steal him from letterman.
It was worth it.
We got him.
How did old bobcat Take it? I thought You told bobcat.
You were going To tell him.
Someone better Tell him before This goes on.
He's your pal.
It's your idea.
Fine.
I'll tell him Right after the show.
Ok.
I feel bad, Though.
Come on.
Let him Guest-host for a week.
That's a good idea.
That's great.
He's a talent.
I have to ask you again.
When letterman Said he was thinking Of tom snyder, You're sure He wasn't joking? No.
He wasn't Joking.
Yeah.
'Cause i asked tom about it, And he never heard about The letterman thing.
Really? Really.