The Last Man On Earth (2015) s02e07 Episode Script

Previously on The Last Man on Earth Carol chose me! - You need to be punished! - No.
I'm leaving Malibu.
Carol, will you come with me? I'm pregnant, Phil.
What? - What did she say? - Not now.
I'm sorry, I didn't hear, and Tandy won't - She said she's pregnant.
- I'm pregnant.
Wow.
Um congratulations.
Eri-Erica! I think you've said enough for one day.
Um, Phil, I'm gonna have to pass on your offer to run away with you.
So My God.
Whew, that did not go well for you.
You really blew it.
Talk about a face-plant, huh? - Okay, that's enough.
- Try to take my woman.
Facial! - Facial express.
- Tandy.
Tandy.
Stop it.
- Burn.
- Be the bigger man about this.
What? It'll be fine.
I promise.
Erica, I'm sorry about what I said to Carol.
If I had known about your situation, I would have never said that.
Oh, so we're calling this a situation? No, no, no.
Bad-bad choice of words.
I just Look, we're in this weird place right now.
Weird place? Phil, I'm having a frigging baby.
- I think you'd better leave now.
- Gail, please, this is between me and Erica.
There is nothing between you and Erica anymore.
You made that perfectly clear when you confessed your love to Carol not five minutes ago.
I'm the father of her child.
- Not anymore.
- What? Oh, it'll have a father.
Just not you.
The whole group is gonna be the father.
Are we done here? I'm not going anywhere until I hear this from her.
Okay.
I think I heard her say, "We're done.
" - You have a nice day, you hear? - Erica Can you believe that guy? He beats me up, he tries to steal my wife while he's got a bun in Erica's oven.
What a friggin' dong.
Well, that's the dong that's gonna get you back into this community.
- You should be kissing that dong.
- Why should I be kissing that dong? I should be friggin' punching that dong.
Have you ever seen those dogs with no back legs so they give 'em the little wheels to scoot around on? It's the cutest thing ever, right? I'm not really seeing the connection here.
People love wounded animals, and that's you now.
Your face is like those crippled little puppy legs, and you just got to roll around on the sidewalk for a while to make everybody feel sorry for you.
Sorry, Carol, no, okay? If I want people to trust me, I got to do this the right way, okay? And I'm not gonna play the sympathy card.
Good God.
Somebody have, like, an aspirin or a pain reducer or, like, a-a time machine? As if.
It comes in waves.
Unfortunately, it's high tide right now, but I'm fine though.
I'm fine.
Can we just change the subject? Look at him, not wanting to talk about himself again.
Have you guys noticed that? That eye does look pretty grim.
Thanks, Melissa.
So, Erica, have you thought of any baby names yet? No.
Well, if you could just steer clear of the name Yorbalinda, I'd appreciate it.
Not a problem.
And also Beziqueel.
Won't be an issue.
You know, I always hoped Yorbalinda would be the first baby of this new world.
But Tandy and I won't be far behind, and and, if I'm being honest, getting to watch you have a baby first will really calm my nerves.
What a luxury for you.
Erica, can I, uh, talk to you for a second? Anything you have to say to her, you can say to the whole group.
Fine.
I made something for you.
It's in the pool house.
I'd love to love to show it to you.
Yeah, she won't be doing that.
So get along.
What a turd.
I think he's almost worse than Tandy.
Seriously, Gail? Almost worse than me? Thank you.
Look at this guy.
Friggin' dip.
How does it feel to be yesterday's news, huh? And I'm the hot topic.
"This just in, Phil's worse than Tandy.
Now over to the weather.
" "Grey skies for that dong.
Clear skies in Tandyville.
Back to you, Bob.
" "Thanks, Tabitha.
In local news, no one cares what's in your friggin' house, you jagweed.
" What's in your house, you friggin' jagweed? What are you doing in there, you friggin' idiot, huh? You practicing your weak punches, pledging your love to other people's wives? Sitting sadly amongst a bunch of baby furniture you made for your unborn child? No.
I don't feel bad for you, you friggin' sad, sad man.
Who needs someone right now.
Oh, God.
Jerk.
Okay, so, this is for you, Erica.
Aw.
Thanks, Carol.
I originally made it for Yorbalinda, but since your baby's coming first, I want you to have it.
Is this how big a newborn's head is? Well, a baby's head's not flat like that.
It's big like a bowling ball that's been waterlogged after baking in the sun.
Crazy we can push something like that out of us, huh? Aw, man, we're pretty amazing creatures, you and I.
And you, too, Gail, if you got on board.
Drop it, Carol.
Hey, ladies, up here, coming down the stairs.
Let me know if there's anything in my way.
but this side is real touch-and-go.
Well, is your eye still smartin'? Let me take a look at it.
Oh, it looks like it's getting better.
- You think so? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, let me check that out.
Huh.
Aah! Huh, that's weird.
It looks about the same to me.
- Maybe even worse.
- Oh, yeah.
Must've been the lighting.
Like I said, uh, comes in waves.
Hold on, Tandy.
Got a little ol' garter snake in our midst.
Well-well, I already know the answer, but I thought I'd ask anyways.
I'm making a supply run.
Anybody need anything? Okay.
What a tool.
I mean, if he really wanted to make amends, he'd go get in the stocks over there.
Yeah, it's do the crime, do the time.
Not do the crime, offer to get everybody supplies.
Tool.
Which is a shame, because I'm jonesing for some tortilla chips in the worst way.
Yeah, I'm jonesing for some stool softener in that same way.
Uh, you know, for, uh, a friend, you know? - Okay.
- Todd, he's got some hard stool.
And, uh, I guess I got to go pick that up for him, uh, myself.
Okay, well, if you're gonna go to the store, would you mind picking me up some tortilla chips? Seriously, Gail?! You-you would, you would trust me to get you tortilla chips? It's just tortilla chips.
Hey, Gail? I'll get you those chips.
I mean, it-it's no problem at all.
Seriously, it-it would be an honor.
Okay.
Don't see any chips.
Maybe this aisle.
Gail actually asked me to get her tortilla chips, Todd.
Me! I didn't even have to offer.
- She just asked! - That's great, Tandy.
I'm finally getting some traction here.
Thank God for Phil beefing it like that, huh? Although, I got to admit, I feel kind of bad for him.
Hey, if we hadn't have pulled him off of you, he might've killed you, Tandy.
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh, here's the chip section right here.
Okay.
Whoa.
I didn't really give myself enough clearance.
Okay, I guess I'll use the sunroof here.
Well, do you want to come out this side? No, I want to sunroof it! Sunroof it.
All right.
You got it? Already out.
Oh, wow, that's a lot of chips.
Did she say which kind she wanted? Do you think it matters? Well What am I saying? Of course it matters.
Should we go back and ask her? Uh, yeah, Todd, uh, let's do that.
"Uh, duh, hey, excuse me, Gail.
Uh, what kind of chips do you want?" Oh, that'd be a great way to start.
- All right.
- Come on, Todd.
I don't know.
What about these? Scoops, Todd, really?! She's not four years old.
Come on, think! Oh, God! You know what? I'll just get them all.
Except for Scoops, Todd.
Whoa.
Oh, sorry, bud, for throwing such a tizzy, but, you know, the stakes are really high here and I'm just not myself.
Uh, it-it's okay.
Don't mention it.
I've been in a bit of a funk myself, you know? Hey, bud, spill the bean dip.
Chips aisle, boom.
Melissa stuff, you know? Everything's been super weird since the whole bacon debacle.
She keeps saying she doesn't want to have a baby.
And blah, blah, blah.
Well, hang in there, 'cause I know for a fact that she's into having babies, okay? So just relax, and this whole thing will blow over.
How do you know that? How do I know that? Yeah, I guess I don't.
Uh, sorry I did You know, I thought you were talking about something else.
Tandy.
Tandy! Tandy? Be honest with me, man.
Todd honestly? Tandy be honest.
Pull! Hey.
You have anything you want to tell me? - No.
- Nothing? I got a surfboard today.
But nothing about you and Tandy going to a park to try to get his sperm to fertilize your egg? I mean, you told me it was just about having sex.
Todd, you have to understand the circumstances.
I feel like I'm gonna be sick out of both ends.
I mean, you can have a baby with a guy that you've known for, like, three days, but you can't have a baby with the man you love? Look, I came to my senses.
I changed my mind.
You don't just change your mind about having a baby.
I did.
Well, don't you think you should have told me about that? I mean, it's a pretty big thing to hide.
So is living a double life in a frickin' bacon house.
I hid bacon from you! Bacon! What you did is much worse! I guess we can't trust each other.
I guess not.
Don't shoot! Sorry.
I thought you were Never mind.
Oh! Thought these would never get here.
Well, you thought wrong 'cause they did get here, huh? So what do you want? Uh, nacho cheese, mission style, unsalted, extra salt? Do you have any Scoops? Scoops, huh? You like Scoops? - They're my favorite.
- Oh.
I don't have any Scoops.
Okay, well, these'll work.
Okay, well, next time, you're gonna get Scoops, okay? Yup.
Gonna go take my wine for a walk.
Thanks, Tandy.
You're welcome, Gail.
I should be thanking you.
God.
Just remember The Tandy man can and will.
Do not feel sad for this turd.
Need a hand? Get away from me.
Okay.
But, look, Phil, can I offer you a little advice? I know you don't want to hear it from me, but, look, I really think you should get in those stocks.
You'd love that, wouldn't you? Huh? Yeah.
Seeing me in those stocks, huh? No, I wouldn't love it.
I'm-I'm trying to help you here.
Well, I don't like you, okay? And I don't trust you.
You are gonna regret this if you don't do it.
You know what my biggest regret is, Tandy? Huh? It's not breaking up with Erica, or-or or confessing my love to Carol.
No.
My biggest regret is that I saved you from the billboard.
Every day, I wish I had left you up there to die.
- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do! You know why? Huh.
Because everybody's life got worse the day they met you.
I mean, this whole Phil situation is just like that movie When a Man Loves a Woman.
Okay, show of hands.
Who's seen it? Anyone besides Peter? Oh, man, you guys got to see it! Oh, it's really good.
Meg Ryan's got this terrible drinking problem, and she won't accept help from anyone.
But then, Andy Garcia comes in, and he's all, "Whoo-ah! No, I got to help you with that.
"I-I don't want you to have a drinking problem.
I'm gonna help ya.
I'm gonna help ya.
" And then, a bunch more words happen.
And then finally, Andy Garcia has this huge orgasm sound, and then Rob Reiner's mom says, like, "I'll have what he's having!" Referring to Meg, I guess.
'Cause Meg was having something delicious next to Andy Garcia as he's making the sound.
The bottom line Phil is Meg Ryan, and I got to be his Andy Garcia.
Hey, Erica, here's some more baby stuff for you.
All of it says something about being the first child of the new world, so, technically, they're your property.
- Thanks, Carol.
- Hey, you know, um, just out of curiosity, how long were you and Phil trying before you got pregnant? Oh, we weren't trying.
Whoa! Unplanned pregnancy? That's awesome! Phil and I have been trying for, like I don't know Six months now? And the only thing I have to show for it are some rug burns and a deeply-satisfied lover.
Six months? That long? What? That's a long time? N No, I No, I think that's actually quite normal.
Yeah.
To-totally normal.
Phil? Todd? - Todd? - Hey, Tandy.
What's up, buddy? - Why are you sleeping on the couch? - Uh, man, I don't want to talk about it.
- Okay, well, have you seen Phil? - He's out at the beach.
Well, what's he doing on the beach? I don't know.
The guy's a total frickin' mess.
Oh farts.
Phil? Phil? Wake up! Oh, geez.
Okay, Phil, get up! Phil! Phil! Phil! Phil! Get up! Come on, get up, bro! Phil! Feel free to wake up at any time and help me out.
Friggin' fart face.
Surfboard limousine is open for business.
Oh.
There we go.
That's the culprit.
Friggin' surfboard fin.
Friggin' idiot fin here.
You seem loose enough.
You bring a surfboard fin, I bring a gun.
Ah! I got it.
Oh, oh, slide it.
Oh, hi, Phil's penis.
I know you didn't mean it, huh? What you said about leaving me up on that billboard.
You know, you were frontin', I was frontin'.
We just got off track, man, you know? We were like two bullet trains headed straight for each other.
There's that penis again.
Getting to know you pretty well, sir.
Oh! It's just that, you know, every time we got into our thing, it was like an alpha dog park.
And the problem was, we were both off leash.
I wish I was a lot more like you.
Have you ever seen When a Man Loves a Woman? 'Cause you are exactly like Meg Ryan in that.
Here, I'm gonna give you a taste of my Andy Garcia.
Whoo-ah! I'm sorry I've been a turd to you.
Ooh.
The thing you didn't realize is that I looked up to you, like, the whole time, huh? You don't believe that I've changed, but I have.
When we wake up tomorrow, it's gonna start a whole new chapter for us.
Oh.
Oh, it's okay.
It's okay.
Just go back to bed.
Hey, we're not pregnant.
Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Where were you? Just out helping Phil.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, right.
Good night.
Good night.
Tandy! Is that Phil? Probably just wants to thank me.
Tandy! All right, I'm gonna sleep with this thing on.
Tandy! Tandy! Tandy!