The Life and Movies of Erşan Kuneri (2022) s02e07 Episode Script
This Stingy Life
1
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
[static hissing]
THIS STINGY LIFE
[upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish] Welcome, everybody
What did you bring us? ♪
You demand the world
For the price of a ticket ♪
Welcome, everybody
What did you bring us? ♪
You come empty-handed, but we'll
Send you off with good memories ♪
You come empty-handed, but we'll
Send you off with good memories ♪
Do we have to compromise
To have a little bit of laugh? ♪
Can we have fun and laugh all the time?
Of course we can, dear ♪
Do we have to compromise
To have a little bit of laugh? ♪
Can we have fun and laugh all the time?
Of course we can, dear ♪
Be careful, hush! Life is hard
And people can't be trusted ♪
Mankind is insatiable
Ask what, why, how and for what ♪
When life treats you well
Go for beauty ♪
It's already a stingy life
Say it with me, such is life ♪
The cabaret is starting
Go ahead, please have a seat ♪
Can we have fun and laugh all the time?
Of course we can, dear ♪
[in English] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome. It's a pleasure to have you.
I am your host.
We're about to get started.
At least that's what I thought.
I don't see any actors here.
I suppose I must be early.
Erşan, stage. Erşan, stage!
- Then we'll improvise, for God's sake.
- [audience applauding]
You called me, sir?
Is this the Stingy Life cabaret?
- Afraid not, we've just closed.
- [audience laughs]
Please, of course it is.
Don't play dumb with these folks.
I just thought I might be early,
since there's no one else here.
Sweetheart, we just had a truckload
of people out here dancing on stage.
How'd you miss it?
Ah, there's been a misunderstanding,
my friend. I'm the narrator of the show.
Oh, I get it. This is a Brechtian thing.
Okay, you don't see the dancers,
like you don't see the audience, right?
What audience?
[chuckles] All right, enough.
It's for all of you
that we booked this venue for our premier,
which we are filming tonight.
Erşan, please. You're hilarious.
You're the hilarious one. I assure you.
In fact, I can prove that you're part
of a joke this very instant.
Why, be my guest.
- What's the price of a loaf of bread?
- It's ten lira.
You see? That's the biggest joke of all.
- [gasps] Well, sir. All hats off to that.
- [laughs]
- Right, folks?
- [audience applauding]
I'd better get in character.
- Begin the narration.
- Ah!
If I asked you
when this experiment
of human society first began,
what would you say to me?
[speaking gibberish]
Pardon me. Ugh! Oh! Do you smell that?
She's asking if this is
where the other tribe lives.
Oh, of course.
Well, then time for me to turn
the stage and the show over to the actors.
Şükran, look.
I see a cave right over there.
This must be the place.
Abraham, I'm begging you.
- Listen to me. Don't embarrass the girl.
- Hey!
Really, Dad, can't I marry
this boy already?
I've waited long enough.
You don't understand, Çakıl.
This is the way we do things right now.
Can you stop with the traditions already?
You're giving me goose bumps.
- And totally creeping me out.
- You say that because we just invented it.
Oh, hello, there.
Or should I say "graugh." I don't know
if you people use language yet.
Sir, I'm Kenan Mızraklı.
My wife Melisa Mızraklı.
You can guess Junior's last name.
Mızraklı. [laughs]
Please, sit.
Of course. Wow, see this, honey?
They have stones as furniture. Nice.
- They must be a really advanced tribe.
- [Kenan] Ah.
You're Mr. Torrrak, correct?
Yes, that's right.
Torrrak. With three rolled Rs.
As I always say, what's in a name?
No, sir, I'm Torrrak Anaerkil.
My wife Şükran Anaerkil,
and she's Çakıl Anaerkil.
Hunters or gatherers?
We are gatherers, sir.
We're prehistoric hippies
from Middle Anatolia.
We may look rough around the edges,
and I promise, our daughter is too.
I never laugh at jokes about women.
- Oh, why not?
- It's not worth the risk.
- Ah.
- Hello, there, ma'am. How are you?
- [growls]
- [laughs] She doesn't really do talking.
How do you communicate?
Oh, you know, I just shake her around.
My son too. He loves it.
He loves a good shove. [laughs]
Oh, my God.
My wife can speak,
although sometimes I wish she couldn't.
[laughing]
Here, sir, I've gathered these fruits
for the engagement.
- We're carnivores. Ever since we got fire.
- Fire. It's great.
If we agree on this girl,
now does that make her my aunt?
- Your sister-in-law. If we agree.
- Right. We just invented that.
Is it true your tribe
has been starting agriculture?
You know tilling soil, stuff like that?
We just built our first hedge and fence.
Fucking pain in the ass.
We're a matriarchal tribe,
so forgive me for swearing, ladies.
And, Torrrak, how much did you pay
for natural gas last month?
Well, they haven't installed fire
in our cave yet.
- My boys could do that.
- [Junior] Uh-huh.
Guaranteed heat as far
as the mouth of the cave.
- Yeah.
- Our friends had it installed.
But they don't check the meter.
They write random numbers in.
- Dad, this hottie is really something.
- She is.
"Hottie." Did you hear that?
I just made that up.
[Kenan] We'll call her that.
Hottie, yeah. Hottie, that's a great word.
Sir, my dad is being shy, so I'll say it.
Your son and I met down by the creek,
and it was love at first sight.
I mean, really, it was just
well, not exactly civilized,
but whatever. You know what I mean.
We knew in that moment
we should be together.
Wow, Torrrak,
that girl of yours sure can talk.
It's incredible.
She can, yeah.
It's like we're family already.
One big happy group.
And she gathered all this fruit.
So she works.
- She works in the field.
- Well, not anymore.
Since she'll mainly be working
at night from now on.
Oh, my God.
Not with me.
Torrrak, what have you done?
These people are savages.
- No way! Shh! Shh!
- What would she do if she didn't work?
That's right. I can't just
sit around in the cave all day.
Honestly, sweetheart.
That's our whole thing.
- Obviously.
- Ah!
- Hey, Caner, come here.
- Hello, Çakıl.
Son, what the hell is that?
Check out the balls
on this young man. [laughs]
That bodes very well
for the future. [laughing]
- This is great, yeah.
- I know what you're thinking.
He takes after his dear mother.
- He looks like her. Yeah, I can see it.
- [Kenan] Hey, Caner, son.
This is Torrrak and his wife Şükran.
They want you
to marry their darling daughter.
- Yeah, I know, Dad. They're wonderful.
- [laughing]
An amazing tribe
that bakes incredible bread.
- Torrrak, show Dad the bread.
- Oh, son, let's not get excited.
It's "almost-bread," at best.
My doctor just told me,
"Stop eating bread."
- But I see you haven't.
- No.
- Obviously.
- We used to call it "bre-bre," right?
- Bre-bre. Later, it became bread.
- [splutters] Yeah. Bre bre
How how do you say it? Bre
- Bre-bre!
- There you go.
[laughing]
Anyway, if I may say, in the fire of love
and in the spirit of the wind,
I'm asking your permission
to have your son, sir.
- Baby, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Oh, Daddy!
Well, then, there's something called
the marriage pact.
Son, run and get my tablet.
- Get it.
- You're gonna love it.
This is written down,
so everything is recorded.
All right, so once you hand over the girl,
all of your, uh,
your fields, your harrows,
any land you own,
all of that will belong to us.
Why is that?
Well, it's a simple trade.
- Your son is simple?
- Isn't he?
Really, Dad, what would we do
with the land they cultivate?
I don't even wanna be a farmer.
You see? The boy's simple.
My father would never tell a lie.
Çakıl, baby. What do you think?
Come on, let's get out of here, Dad.
This is totally uncivilized. How dare you!
Wait a minute, little girl.
I have some words for you.
Junior, let's go.
[upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish]
We just started walking upright ♪
But we figured it out all right ♪
Since stick does the job
We believe in the stick ♪
Working the fields and land
I'm not doing any of that ♪
We have the sticks and the spears
We are brutes and have all the money ♪
Dad, please have some decency
Humans should be civil, you see ♪
It's in bad taste, talking about a stick
It's really not what makes me tick ♪
I can also take part in this song ♪
Or decide to abstain ♪
What would I do if I wielded the stick?
That's really what makes me think ♪
Why am I here? I'm delicate and frail ♪
Sweetie, life with them would be hard
But so would it be elsewhere ♪
Look at the stick we invented
As if that's what we needed ♪
Guns and cannons are a long way off ♪
Stop being so naive
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
I don't know, I'll stay out of this ♪
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
I don't know, I'll stay out of this ♪
[singing in French]
[audience applauding]
[in English] And so Çakıl couldn't resist.
All it took was a couple
of wild beast attacks
and then stones, sticks and spears
were sought after by all.
Our ancestors started out as a family.
And besides the club, they had
lots and lots of other inventions.
Amazing things,
like painting and sculpture.
Things like poetry and philosophy.
Although for all their know-how,
the club has been the most popular.
It's been behind power-changing hands
and nice things getting worse.
Ah! Tribes became cities.
Cities became kingdoms,
and emperors ruled.
Believe it or not,
at some point, we even had democracy.
Demos versus Kratos.
Ah, greetings, citizen.
Can I help you?
I'm a new senator. This is the cafeteria?
Oh, yes, welcome, master.
Have a seat, please.
No, not master. Just senator.
- Ah. Uh, well, senator.
- [clears throat]
Uh, the soup here is excellent.
It's one coin.
- Or there's a whole lamb, also a coin.
- Sorry.
How could a whole lamb cost a coin?
It's 25 coins on the market.
I get it, senator.
You're excited because you're new.
It's okay. You'll get used to it.
Uh, something on the side, sir?
That's just a coin as well.
How's this possible?
I'll tell you what's really odd.
If you get it all
and top it off with ice cream
or milk pudding or whatever
and add it together,
it's still just a coin. It's true.
That's the part I still don't get.
Well, then. We'll start
with a bowl of soup.
- Oh, here, take this feather.
- No, I don't plan to eat that much.
You will, senator.
I'm sure you will. [laughs]
A bowl of soup for the big shot!
This can't be right. I'm making a note.
Something needs to change,
Either the market price should go down
or the price here should go up.
I've gotta fix this.
[laughing]
That was incredible.
Claudius, tell him.
How many people were there?
- 50,000? 50,000 at least. My God.
- 50,000 at least.
I go in the Colosseum,
and there are banners
under the emperor's coat of arms.
Everyone had these headbands
with my name Arturias.
- Chanting, "Arturias, Arturias!"
- "Arturias!"
It was incredible. Tell him, man.
You should have been there.
You should have seen this happen.
There was this quartet
of boys playing the horn like
[imitates fanfare]
You had to see it to believe.
I addressed the crowd,
"Will any of you allow
these banners to be torn down?"
- "Never!"
- "Never," they said.
They'll buy anything.
I said Rome will be the capital
of fashion when I'm through.
They all looked around
with this look on their faces. [laughing]
Well done. That's exactly
what I told them in Milan.
I told them that before long they'll be
calling Milan the Paris of the East.
You see? They believe it. Really.
- Garçon, get us some feathers over here.
- [laughing]
- We just ate.
- I'll take that.
Here, son, give me the wine.
- Here, sir.
- That's a good boy.
Uh, master, thanks to you,
that thing of mine was sorted out.
It was nothing, son.
No need to thank me for that.
- [chuckles]
- It was nothing.
His brother wanted to join
the gladiator school at the Colosseum,
so we helped him out.
That's what he means.
- Thank you, master.
- [Claudius] How's the boy?
Is the little fighter doing okay?
Is he all right?
- He was eaten, master. The lions ate him.
- Oh.
There was pretty much nothing left.
But really, master, it's fine.
I'll be right back.
My God, the kid was 45 kilos,
but they insisted he be a gladiator.
Look what happened.
I tell ya, everyone wants
to talk about merit
until it has to do with them. [laughs]
Look, here. That Kratos
is fine in my book,
but that Demos,
well, clearly he's just an asshole.
The other day my peasant
comes up to me and says,
"Please, master, just pull some strings
so I can become the emperor."
How fucking messed up
is that, Arturias? [laughs]
- Anyway, let's not talk too much.
- Yes.
We might have a commoner here.
Watch yourselves.
Hail Mighty Caesar!
- I don't think he's one of us.
- Yeah.
Greetings. I'm Saphocles.
I was elected with 70%
in a small village across town.
It's my first day, and I'm excited.
Congratulations. Tell me,
is it "Sophocles" like the Sophocles?
No, it's Saphocles. With an A.
- "No "O." It's spelled with an "A."
- Is it really? [laughs]
This kid's being cocky now.
"Mine is with an A." A total douchebag.
Garçon, two full lambs for the table.
Tiberius, lamb?
No, man, if I have one more bite,
I'm gonna shit myself.
Shit yourself then. It's fine.
Shit yourself! Come on!
Bon appétit. Although,
I must say I'm shocked at these prices.
Look, kiddo,
we all voted for these prices.
- They asked us, and democracy spoke.
- Yeah.
[Claudius] Why is he coming for us?
Yeah, he's opposing us.
Is he the opposition?
I think he's on the other side.
[clears throat] May I join your group?
- Yes, of course.
- Yeah, sure.
Look, I think the prices in this
restaurant are lower than they should be.
Besides, you seem well-off already.
Later today, I will introduce a motion
on the floor of the Senate
to do something about this.
Yeah, right, pussy.
I'm sorry.
What my colleague means is you need
more than speeches to get something done.
- You need balls.
- [laughing]
What's that got to do with anything?
I mean, honestly,
I wasn't really listening to you.
I just blurted that out.
Sometimes I tend to go off-script as well.
- It happens, you know.
- It happens. Yeah, it happens.
If you would support me
in the senate today,
I'd like to give a speech
and ask the members to carry a motion
on the equality of men and women.
And also, there's the animal rights issue
going on at the arena.
What do those lions eat anyway?
- What do they eat?
- Obviously not lamb, sir.
- Wow, wow, wow! [laughing]
- He was looking right at me. [laughing]
My boy, are you
a representative for the citizens of Rome,
or are you a zoo manager?
Oh, no, let me check him out. Let me
take a look at this young man's physique.
Oh, yes, it's exactly as I thought.
No immunity. [laughing]
Well, look at that.
You're not untouchable.
Sapo, you better watch your ass, kid.
You think we were born yesterday?
I mean, if you try rallying any
of these people, then you're fucked, huh?
Is that right? Well, we'll see.
You'll give a speech?
In the market, I imagine.
- That's right.
- Tiberius, set a rally in the market.
- Understood.
- So, you have to pay them off.
It's called grease, kid.
How else do you think
we could get people to come?
Today, I will face my fellow citizens
and give them
all the unvarnished truth, sirs.
That the empire that gave us
Marcus Aurelius, gave us Cicero,
has fallen into the hands
of petty gamblers like you.
You're serious?
- [Arturias] You'll be at the market?
- I will.
If you don't,
I'll shove a Roman spear up your ass.
- [laughing]
- I'll be there.
- You will, huh? You'll be at the market?
- Yes. I will.
- Do you have the balls, kid? Do you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
We'll be waiting at the market. Go on.
All right, Romans,
may I have your attention?
Shut up. Shut the fuck up!
A senator is addressing you.
You start, warm 'em up.
Come on, Romans
Come on, Romans, hear it ♪
Take the ball straight down the field
And win it ♪
My fellow Romans.
I say to you whoever you call mom,
whoever you call "Dad,"
whoever your true fathers are,
our mother is the Queen Demeter.
Our dear father is Jupiter.
And what do our ancestors say?
That we must love and be loved.
Because this world is only temporary.
[all] Bravo!
[Arturias] Allow me.
My brothers and sisters.
In truth, everything we have
belongs to you.
We have nothing for ourselves,
nor do we ask for more.
I'm not even wearing underwear right now.
Everything is for Rome.
Listen, dear people,
Claudius, our beloved senator is starting
a group in the senate
in which we will continue to serve.
- Yes! Like love, it's better in a group.
- We're in.
On behalf of all physicians,
we haven't heard one word from the senate
about benefits for the doctors.
Where are the coins for our pensions?
- You.
- Yes. Your turn, kid.
- This is your area.
- You have the floor, make your speech.
Well, um, you know,
I say the doctors are absolutely right
with their demands.
- We should, um
- Yes.
- Can you repeat the question?
- See, he blew it.
Just save your breath. We've heard enough.
I'm turning in my medical pelt.
I'm outta here.
- Yeah, go on. Go on. Get out of here.
- [crowd booing]
- It's too loud. I can't hear
- Excuse me. Two questions.
Is that group you mentioned an orgy?
And if so, then how can we participate?
Great question.
We've petitioned the cities,
and they've all agreed
to set aside some land
for the people to do each other
or themselves, you know, whatever else.
Right, the government
should just stay out of it.
We'll leave those decisions up to you.
As I said,
"The people can fuck themselves
better than we can."
[cheering]
Hey, wait a minute.
The people must have other questions.
Ask me about our plans
for public spending.
Or about our policy to deal
with the high cost of living.
Back it up.
- Just shut up already.
- There are citizens dying of hunger.
Does that mean a Roman should eat rocks?
Should he eat rocks?
- Bravo!
- Bravo! Bravo!
To the vampires who want
to suck our blood, just try it.
You just try it.
- Yeah! That's right. That's right!
- [all] That's right. That's right!
- That's right!
- Oh!
- If you're so jealous of us, suck on this.
- Yeah, come suck on this!
Right, and whoever is jealous of us,
I hope that big spiders
crawl right up your ass.
- Yeah!
- Like the Germans.
The Germans, yes. Those bastards!
- Always jealous of us. We'll show them.
- Yes.
- We're gonna show the Germans who's boss!
- We'll show 'em!
- That's right.
- [laughs]
Wait a minute. We're not done yet.
Listen to me, listen.
I wish to say something
concerning women's rights.
I don't need your rights.
I'm a senator's wife. I'm fine.
- All right, kid, get back. Come on, move!
- Get off the stage.
- Citizens of Rome.
- [laughing]
The president of the women's commission,
Tiberius, will say a few words.
- I'm on the women's commission?
- Yeah, the lady-problems.
Women of Rome, I promise to deal
with each and every one
of your problems personally.
- You have my word. I swear I'll
- [loud thud]
All hail Cornelius the Third!
[crowd cheering]
Well.
Arturias, I didn't see you
at the baths last night, my friend.
I was there, Your Majesty,
a bit lower down.
- I waved, but you didn't see me.
- [laughing]
And how are you, dear Claudius?
Very well, Your Majesty.
Import, export,
you know, we're getting by. [laughs]
I have closed a deal
with the Persians to export clouds.
Look, sir, you see that.
There go some of them now.
- What are the chances?
- [laughing]
Very good, but what are you doing here?
Are you trying to start a revolt or what?
No, no, Your Majesty. We're just letting
the people blow off some steam.
Blow off steam, huh?
All right.
Dear Romans, how have you been doing, huh?
[all chanting] So good, so good, so good.
People of Rome,
I can tell you're all
extremely satisfied with my performance
from all your praise.
So, allow me to say something
perfectly clearly to you.
People, the reason Rome
is singing my praises,
celebrating and appreciating me
is because I have taken
the empire forward.
I challenge you
to find a single Roman who lacks anything.
You can't because my officials
know what they're doing.
Oh, I see a freshman senator.
Come here. Tell me what's on your mind.
Mighty Emperor,
I had some ideas written down.
However, I failed to impress a majority
in the senate.
So I hope to join a group
with these good men.
Oh, yes, a group has its advantages.
Good for you.
Well done. Don't try to do it alone.
A group is the way to go. Bravo.
- A group man.
- Right.
- [laughing]
- All right, then.
Oh, doctor. You're back.
- [laughing]
- I forgot that all roads lead to Rome.
- Yeah, told you so, didn't I?
- [laughing]
I told you she'd be back.
Friends, Romans, et cetera,
put a tape in the stereo,
and let's have some fun.
[upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish] They charge for air
And water and always swindle ♪
You can break the piggy bank
But it won't be enough ♪
People at the top all began to rob ♪
What do you say, brother?
It won't change ♪
See which one it will be ♪
That comes and saves us ♪
We were bleeding money
And gambled for a little chance ♪
What can the poor do? It won't change ♪
We're used to hardship
And back on the road again ♪
Good things won't happen overnight ♪
See which one it will be ♪
That comes and saves you ♪
They charge for air and water
And always swindle ♪
Come and keep me busy
It won't ever change ♪
They're all the same
Each one of them, inhumane ♪
Orgies every day, it won't ever change ♪
[grunts]
[in English] Is man,
I ask, originally good or evil?
Certainly, over the centuries,
we've encountered all kinds of people.
There have been good ones and bad ones.
There've been plenty
of heroes and cowards.
Ah, the sane and the insane.
Is it a question of the sexes? Hmm?
Or is it maybe the women versus the men?
Ah, I mean, who the hell's been raising
all these people?
Our mothers give birth to lionhearted men.
Of course, no one would argue that.
But what happens
to those lions after they're raised?
You may expect me
to say society's to blame.
- Shh! Shh! Shh! I can't bring myself.
- [audience applauding]
[gasps] The bed's not supposed to be here.
It's supposed to be up high, Cemile!
What's wrong with it?
It's right in the middle of the room, sis.
Honey, I asked you to raise it
up high there, like a throne.
Yes, of course, it has to be a throne.
Otherwise, he couldn't give out orders
to have me strangled, now could he?
Don't be such a jealous little sister.
Today, my son is a prince, a prince.
I could never allow a prince to be
circumcised on any old mattress.
When my little boy
should be way up high on a throne.
We'll see. That boy's going to
break a lot of hearts in this town.
And once he gets his stitches out,
better keep your daughters away from him.
Because my nephew's a man now.
He asked me if he'll be married soon
now that he's a man.
So precious.
Married? What a waste of time for him.
He's young.
Beautiful boys should always be free
and making sexy love.
And why should he get attached? Eww!
All those cheap girls are
barely worth a fling anyway.
Exactly. Your ex-fiancé
must have thought the same thing
when he called things off.
That little shit.
Always trying to rain on our parade.
The kid's nine,
and he's still in his original packaging.
And all the daughters are safe,
if you ask me. You'll see.
You watch it, Sibel, or I'll
rip that tongue of yours right out.
Yağız Efe is a prince, a prince.
He is a young lion, isn't he?
- I could just rip it off myself.
- What did you say?
I'm kidding, dear.
- How could you think I was serious?
- [laughing]
It's getting chopped today anyway.
Right before the party starts.
Come, Cemile, let's go
and check on the cakes and lemonade.
All right, sis.
Seriously, none of you
are making any sense.
"Oh, he's a prince."
You say you love democracy,
but for Yağız Efe,
this family turns into a monarchy.
- I'd just gobble it up.
- Please. The mouth on her.
Seriously, Nuran, that's two.
I'm getting pissed off.
Oh, she's silly, oh. [laughs]
[gasps] Yağız Efe.
- Yağız Efe!
- Mom, the end of my stick came off.
Oh, my God,
it came off on today of all days?
I don't know about you,
but it sure seems like a sign to me.
[mumbling] Son,
we can have that fixed. Don't worry.
Just stay in the moment
and focus on the real thing.
Taci, they've put the bed on the floor
when I wanted it to be high up there
like a throne.
- Yeah.
- Yağız Efe.
Mama's one and only,
how are you, my sweetie pie?
- I guess I'm a little scared, Mom.
- [gasps]
But, son, today you're a prince.
Princes are never scared.
- Right, Taci?
- Well, you know
- Were you circumcised, uncle?
- Of course, I was, son. Of course.
Okay, and were you scared?
Kid, to this very day, I'm terrified
if anything gets too close down there.
We could be playing a game of foosball,
and I'd be covering myself.
Ah! So that's why you're
always digging around in your pants.
Yeah, I guess I always need to check
to make sure it's still down there.
Cut it out. You'll give him ideas.
Aslan and the others should
be here any minute.
Okay, let's check on the cake
and the lemonade.
- Come on, move.
- Yeah, all right.
- Holler when they get here.
- Yeah, sure, sure. Don't worry about it.
Where are they? Where's the circumciser?
Where the hell is İbiş and Aslan?
Where are they?
I was with Aslan,
but we got a little under our cups.
So, I really have no idea.
- I'm here. It's okay. I'm here.
- Aslan, where the hell have you been?
We've been waiting for you!
- Uncle Aslan!
- Hello, there!
[laughing]
- You little punk. You little punk!
- [laughing]
Show me your weenie. Show me your weenie!
Taci, tell him to show it.
- Aslan, he'll show it, all right?
- Show me your weenie.
- Just take it easy. Take it easy.
- [laughing]
Taci, are you really as drunk as they are?
- Huh?
- Yeah, you know, I didn't have much.
Just like, half a bottle of vodka,
because I'm too excited, you know.
- [Aslan] Yeah.
- I just can't work heavy machinery.
I assume no one will ask,
"Taci, bring the backhoe out front."
- No way.
- God, grant me patience.
Check this out. İbiş.
İbiş. İbiş. İbiş.
- [laughing] Hey, soldier. Hey, soldier!
- [laughing]
Fahri, can I get you anything, pal?
No, thanks, Aslan.
I don't need anything right now.
Just my equipment.
Hello, young man. How are you, Işık?
Welcome, brother.
Say hello to the man, son.
Say hello to the man.
Yağız Efe. Say hello, son.
- There.
- How are you?
- Ah, look, he's nervous.
- Drink.
Are the girls chasing
after you yet or what?
- Cheers!
- Yağız Efe! Yağız Efe! I know they are.
Your Uncle Aslan. Aslan.
Aslan, you must take this young man.
- Yeah.
- And teach him.
- I will.
- Teach him right.
You know what I used
to call him when he was little?
Soldier! You know? Soldier, I said.
Now without the helmet.
- [laughing]
- Oh, my God.
Come on. For the last time, that's enough.
What did you say back when uncle said,
"How'd you respond to soldier?"
Aslan, I'm asking you
to stop the jokes now.
Oh, Işık, relax. This will be
the best day of your son's life.
Now, listen to me.
Fahri is the best
fucking circumciser in the neighborhood.
The best fucking one because
when I'm done you still can right?
[laughing]
- Işık, my friend.
- Yeah.
Do you have any alcohol?
Ah, for disinfecting
your equipment you mean?
No, man, it's just this lemonade
is a bit weak.
[laughs] My hands are a little shaky
at the moment.
But one glass
of the good stuff should do the trick.
You're shaking all right.
- I got you. Fahri.
- It's okay.
- Yes, man.
- Medicine.
Eighty proof, great. Just mix it in with
a glass of lemonade. That should do it.
- All right, then.
- Just get on with it, man. Get on with it.
- Okay, just uncover it now, Işık.
- Dad?
- Let's see the soldier.
- It's okay. Let's uncover it.
- Take it easy now. Easy, easy.
- Let me see it, son.
You sure you know
what you're doing, right?
Wait, hang on, hang on, Işık.
Fahri, here you go.
- This is on me. On me. On me.
- Oh, yeah. Thank you. Cheers.
Bring it in everyone. Cheers.
- Cheers. I'll snip it. Just relax.
- You should
You should be enjoying this.
- Stop being a party pooper.
- I'm gonna have my fun once this is over.
Enjoy it like your father enjoyed yours.
You pussy!
- You pussy!
- [Fahri groans]
- Get on with it!
- No, no, he's a soldier, soldier!
- [laughing]
- Soldier.
Open up, son. I can't see the
You're sure it's completely numb, right?
Don't worry.
It's not a big job. It's small.
- [laughing]
- Fahri, that's the mother's side.
It's not really Işık's fault.
Işık is not to blame.
- [laughing]
- Agh! Aslan, I said that's enough.
- I've had it.
- Come on, he's just nine years old,
That's what that age is about.
Exactly. For instance, I'm 44
and as thick as a log. [laughing]
- [laughing]
- [Aslan] Hit the drum.
- Hit it after I make a joke.
- All right, all right.
- All right, son, here we go.
- You're gonna numb it?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Fahri.
You know, usually
in a situation like this,
I tranquilize the other party.
Oh, for God's sakes.
- I give 'em a drink and then bam.
- [laughing]
Aslan, man, you're the best.
- Are you ready? Are you ready, son?
- Cheers!
- I'm not scared, Mr. Circumciser.
- [Fahri] Okay.
As long as you give me the anesthesia.
- Oh, my goodness, son, relax. Boy!
- Soldier!
- [laughing]
- Listen to me, okay? Now
You got nothing to worry about.
Everyone loves you. Look who's here.
You have Uncle Fahri, of course.
Uncle Taci, Işık.
Your dad, your brother-in-law.
- İbiş. Hit it, İbiş. [laughs]
- Hit it, İbiş.
- İbiş, hit it.
- Let's go, İbiş.
Let's go, hey! ♪
Let's go, İbiş, let's go ♪
- Get on with it.
- You're your mom's prince, right?
All the girls are gonna
love you, Yağız Efe. Don't worry.
- Nothing to worry about. All right.
- Get on with it.
- Let's uncover it.
- Open up now.
- Easy, he's gonna get cold.
- All right, I'm injecting it now.
- [groans]
- It's okay. All right, that's it.
The rest is a piece of cake.
- Fahri, is it numb, doctor?
- Give it a couple of minutes.
- It's gonna go numb.
- I promise you won't even miss it.
- Check it.
- I'll give it a squeeze.
Oh, there we go. It's numb. Okay.
Oh. It's numb. See?
- [laughing]
- My hand is numb.
My hand, it's numb. [laughing]
- Come on, Taci, drink with me.
- I thought we were at the snipping part.
- Işık, enjoy yourself.
- Is that necessary?
You can trust me.
I'll enjoy it as soon as this is over.
- There's nothing to celebrate yet.
- All right, man. Whatever you say.
Hang on a second.
Işık, hang on a second. Here we go.
- All right. Are you ready, son?
- Okay.
Be brave, son. Be brave.
It's really almost over.
- You're a soldier, kid, okay?
- Let me just
- See, here it is.
- I'm here.
- Don't look. You don't have to look.
- Would you
- Keep looking up.
- Aslan, are we ready, bro?
- I'm snipping it.
- Yep.
- [shouts]
- Careful. Almost had you there.
That's all for him.
[laughing] All right, then.
- See, you're okay, son.
- Cool. All good now.
It's all finished now.
Well done. [laughing]
- Whoa! Is there anything left?
- There you go.
[sighs] Taci, I think I'm gonna
- Wait, Işık, hang on.
- Hang on.
- [Işık] I'm gonna pass out.
- It's okay, I, uh
- Whatever you do, don't hit it.
- [Işık] I'm gonna pass out.
- [Taci] Bro.
- How you feeling, soldier?
- Not bad.
- Dude, what do we do now?
What's wrong?
Hey, what the hell did
you give me this for?
- Did you snip it?
- Yeah. [laughs]
Who knows how many hearts he'll break.
Yeah, I'd like to know that too.
He's a man now, a man. The Lion King!
Wait. Işık?
- Oh!
- Oh, he just
He got excited.
You know how Işık is. [laughing]
What a party pooper.
A real man wouldn't pass out.
Like you, son. Now you're a real man.
I can't feel anything, Mom.
I'd rip it off myself.
Too late.
I could just eat it up. Really, I swear.
- Help yourself.
- Hey, what's this?
- [laughing]
- Soldier!
I took a little off the top.
- Ooh! Oh! Ah!
- [shouts]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
You can't live life
with your head in the sand.
Even so, how could you imagine a cabaret
that didn't critique social issues?
Excuse me, sir.
I absolutely adored
the skit I was just in.
Are you by chance the author?
I'm so glad to hear that you liked it.
It was like a slap in the face
to the toxic male worldview.
Well, you know, the moms and aunties
do their part to pressure a young man.
I know. Saying things
like, "Go get 'em, tiger"
just re-directs that
pressure back to women.
- Oh! [laughs]
- Enough of that.
But I have to tell you, sir,
that for a man,
you made some great observations.
I mean, it was brilliant. You took
every taboo and smashed them all.
- My lovely girl, you're far too kind.
- [laughs] I know.
Would you mind if I flirted
with you over a drink?
Why, I wouldn't mind at all.
[sighs] Plus, you're the perfect age.
It would be simple to convince you
to sign your house over to me.
Unless, pardon me, that's too cliché
for a writer like yourself.
[chuckles] To hell with the cliché.
Let's get to the registrar.
[chuckles] After you.
Gentlemen, look.
This here, here, here, here and here.
They passed a new law
redesignating the land.
So, from now on, this woodland,
will be open to construction permits.
That's what I'm talking about.
It's time to shed our humanity
and do the really evil stuff.
I mean, how lucky can you get?
Anyone with land there
has to go through us.
- Yeah.
- You already know what to do.
Give them the runaround until they cry.
- That's right.
- You got it.
I'm so proud of you guys. There's no
public office where I'd rather be.
- Sir.
- You guys are the best. Off you go.
- Anything we know, we learned it from you.
- Back to work.
- Every single scam.
- Exactly.
- [laughing]
- But I think I should warn you, Sermet.
Uh, don't wear
those expensive watches to work.
I only wore mine
because I saw you wearing yours, sir.
Good point. I should be a role model
and take mine off as well.
- To be safe.
- Of course.
Hey, look at that thing.
Is that hold on.
Is that a newer model than mine?
Sir, remember that hotel we fast-tracked?
It's from that.
As I recall,
I was the last one to sign off on that.
So in all fairness,
this should really belong to me.
- I'll keep this then.
- Please.
- Don't wear it to the office.
- Got it, sir.
It's been five minutes since I've
taken a bribe. I'm going crazy. [laughs]
- Back to work, guys.
- [knock on door]
Come in.
Sorry I'm late.
Uh, there's a road being built there,
so nothing we can do.
Sir, I'm Aylin Seçkin.
It's my first day on the job.
Here are my documents.
Oh. Right.
Let me see. Miss Aylin. [clears throat]
Assistant manager.
Okay, well, all right then.
This is Sermet and Erkin.
- [both] Hello.
- Try to keep up.
Uh, so, uh hang on.
So, it says here Miss Aylin
will be working with you
with a higher signing authority.
What's wrong, sir?
Well, it's just we have
an established system here, you know.
Sir, does this mean that from now on
we should come directly to you
without having Miss Aylin sign anything?
Or we can bypass Miss Aylin
and tell people she's on sick leave.
Yeah, yeah, for particular cases,
we can just report
that Miss Aylin has passed away.
I'm friends with a guy in Funeral Affairs,
so he'll help us out. All right, cool.
Congratulations
and sorry for your loss, Miss Aylin.
Welcome.
Listen, Sermet, give her a seal.
Right away.
Whoever bears the seal
is as wise as Solomon.
- Here you go.
- All right, then. Good luck to you.
- Please, take a seat. Süleyman, four teas.
- Please.
- I received a memo getting me up to speed.
- [boss] Yes.
They've redesignated parts of the forest.
- And I have some concerns.
- [sighs]
We were discussing that
right before you came in.
Me and the boys are
just burning up inside.
Hello, good morning.
Good morning. Good morning.
Is this here the land "registratery," sir?
- No, it's the "passportisserie."
- [laughs]
Mr. Rıza, you people
are normally so charming,
but you seem like a pain in the ass.
- Um, Miss Aylin can help. Go on, pops.
- Go see Aylin right over there.
- Go talk to her.
- Look here, miss.
I've got two acres of land,
and I want to get a permit
to build on that land.
Would you mind checking
on that for me, please?
Let me see, sir.
Leave it.
- Well, sir, it says here that you can.
- Yes, well, that's great news.
We'd like to build a small cabin.
That's all we wanna do.
- Cabin? You can't build a cabin there.
- No cabins.
No, absolutely not. We already told you,
you need to sell that plot.
I heard my boss tell you that himself
the last time you were here.
- It's a tourism area.
- Right. It's a tourism area.
No, sir, you already have a permit for it.
What would you prefer?
"Whatever he prefers?" [chuckles]
I've never heard that
in this office before,
because it certainly isn't true.
- But the young lady said I had a permit.
- He does.
Let me give you an answer
that you may be able to understand.
"You can't do nothin' with that plot
unless we dang well say you can."
[laughing]
Well, if it isn't Nizami
and his band of thieves. What's up?
- Oh, sir. Welcome, sir.
- [laughing]
- Cha-ching! Pocket check.
- [laughing]
Oh, sir, how do you even do that?
Servet, what's up? Cha-ching!
- Erkin, cha-ching!
- [laughing]
- Oh, Mr. Sami.
- My friend.
You're the sun
that keeps this office lit, really.
What's up? [exclaims]
[gasps]
How did you manage to put that on?
That's speed, boys.
In my line of work, you gotta move fast.
Come in, have a seat.
Please, sir. May I call you Sami? [laughs]
Call me Dad.
- Yes, Daddy. Yes, Daddy.
- Our dad.
Daddy, I need to ask you for a favor.
If you could, write a note that says,
"The watch was purchased
with his own money," if you please.
Sure, sure, sure, no problem.
A coffee for Daddy.
I haven't seen that lady before.
Is she new here?
She's new, yeah.
- [shouts]
- Oh!
What's this?
Are you bribing me, sir?
My bad. Süleyman, cha-ching! [laughs]
Go on, go on, get.
Uh, now, sir, your orders?
Well, Nizami. [clears throat]
Well, as you know,
I was expecting this area's designation
to change to allow me more construction.
Thanks, by the way.
- [laughing] Good job.
- No problem, sir. You did it.
I've been buying land piece by piece
by piece by piece until I own everything.
- Yes, sir.
- I need a permit to build a hotel there.
So do your thing,
move the paperwork and make it happen.
Of course. What kind of
hotel were you thinking?
Something that when you see it, you say,
"Wow, that motherfucker
really fucked up the entire coastline."
- Yes. Yes.
- Understand?
And once you're inside of it,
I want it to be a five-star,
world-class experience, right?
Really fucking sweet!
Well, sir, that certainly sounds
like a place where I would like to stay.
[laughing]
- Um, sir?
- Huh?
Um, you do have a permit,
but I can't approve it.
- Please, talk to my manager.
- Okay, miss. Mr. Manager, uh
Oh, right. Uh, Sami, hey.
Remember that small plot?
It belongs to him.
Yeah, you mean you own this tiny plot
sticking out like a little weenie?
- Yes.
- Where the hell have you been?
I've been looking for you everywhere.
[laughing]
Cha-ching! Check your pocket.
- [laughing]
- Wow, 50,000 lira!
I'll just take that back.
That was just practice.
You didn't notice though, did you?
- He's shocked, too shocked to speak.
- I really didn't.
Mr. Rıza, this gentleman,
Mr. Sami, is a tourism mogul.
Oh, I've heard of him.
I know all about him.
Damn right, motherfucker.
Yeah, I know your kind.
I've dealt with cattle all my life.
- I know a milker when I see one.
- [laughing]
Now, by the looks of it,
you're approximately a hundred kilos.
Your hide looks firm,
and the only thing left to find out is
how many gallons I'll get out of ya.
- Rıza is our type of guy, huh?
- Yeah, he is. We'll get him there.
Get Mr. Rıza a fruit tea.
It's too early for coffee.
- That's right.
- So, you wanna build a hotel, do ya?
All right, son.
Let's take a look at the map.
Smack dab in the middle
of your site is my little plot.
That land belongs to me.
So what are you gonna do about that?
I'll tell you
what we're gonna do, Mr. Rıza.
You sell me those two acres,
and I'll pay you
a reasonable market price.
I don't get it. They said I couldn't
even build a small cabin up there.
No, sir, you see, you can't build there.
But this gentleman wants
to fuck the whole coastline.
The law is crystal clear.
In the case of a tie, it goes to him.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
Seriously, is that right?
Well, then, son, you just go "cha-ching,"
and we'll see what happens, huh?
- Cha-ching!
- [laughing]
- Wow, is he amazing or what?
- [laughing]
Sami, listen, I'll handle
all the paperwork related to the sale.
Don't worry about a thing.
The permit's good as yours.
Yeah, just deal with it, man.
I'm too busy for this crap anyway.
Of course, of course.
It took me a while,
but I've reviewed the application.
In short, the site is unsuitable
for a hotel. Here.
And also, regarding
your rude behavior earlier,
I'm expecting an apology.
Accepting or offering a bribe
is absolutely unethical, to say the least.
If a public official's job
relies on bribery,
then lawlessness rules in that office.
I expected better from you.
Sami, my friend, Aylin was just reciting
Reşat Nuri Gültekin's
famous novel The Wren.
- And what a great passage it is.
- [laughing]
- What an amazing job.
- Bravo!
- Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
- Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
Listen, Miss Aylin,
we already made a deal with the ministry.
We've already got our approval.
So that's why we're in this situation.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot
in good faith sign your document.
I'll send my views
to the urban planning office.
What? Wait a minute, honey. Don't do that.
How am I gonna sell my property?
Miss Aylin, if this is about numbers,
don't let that hold us up.
- I'm sure we can figure something out.
- Exactly.
All of us here
are pretty good with numbers.
Aylin, we'll be fair when
we're splitting up the pot. I promise.
You'll be fair, huh?
Darling, you're a public officer.
Be smart. That's all we're saying.
Really. Look how upset
you're making Mr. Rıza, Aylin.
Is this really worth all that?
So you're all stealing
and want me to steal too? Is that it?
- Well, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Take it.
- No, I can't.
- Take it, damn it.
- No, I can't.
If it were me,
I'd go ahead and just take it.
To hell with the whole system!
- [laughing]
- [upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish] Take it ♪
I can't, it's the taxpayers' money ♪
Steal it ♪
I can't, it's the state's money ♪
What and how I can do what with what? ♪
Just take it
That's the going rate for it ♪
Just steal it
Why all the fuss? Drop it ♪
How and with what
Can you make ends meet? ♪
Steal it ♪
I can't, the poor need it ♪
Steal it ♪
I can't, it's haram money ♪
How and with what should I punish you? ♪
Screw your preaching
And all your blabbering ♪
I don't have time
For poor people's ramblings ♪
Just go with the flow
And I'll make it rain ♪
The same old story, it never changes ♪
Sorts his stuff out during lunchtime ♪
Life is cruel ♪
What can I say? ♪
All you are good for
Is a parable in a cabaret ♪
Stuck-up idealist
Telling us not to steal ♪
Wrap up the dance
And I'll explain it to you in length ♪
Wrap up the dance
And I'll explain it to you in length ♪
[in English] When life
gets extremely puzzling,
we wish we could go back
to the beginning and start all over.
How can we stop all making
the same mistakes over again?
How can we ever prove
what we believe is really true?
Hey, Mr. Narrator,
we're packed up and ready to go.
Well, I was warming them up
with a little small talk
before we go into our final scene.
- Which is?
- It's this.
Darling, you know I love you,
but I said I wanted a family
and to grow old together, remember?
- Yes, of course.
- Well
It's just now I think it's not
the best idea to mix in with your folks.
But why not, darling?
Well, you know,
it's "club" this and "rifle" that.
And I don't wanna bring a child into
this filthy world, Caner. That's all.
But how can we set an example
if we give up?
You have a point.
Okay, maybe we can't get power,
but we can keep opposing it, can't we?
Well, honey, you're the man.
And that's what they agreed,
and they lived the rest
of their lives as the loyal opposition.
My friend, these people wanna go home now.
- Come on, man.
- [audience applauding]
[upbeat music playing]
[audience cheering]
[music continues playing]
THE END
[theme music playing]
MONTAGE INDUSTRIES LLC
[static hissing]
THIS STINGY LIFE
[upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish] Welcome, everybody
What did you bring us? ♪
You demand the world
For the price of a ticket ♪
Welcome, everybody
What did you bring us? ♪
You come empty-handed, but we'll
Send you off with good memories ♪
You come empty-handed, but we'll
Send you off with good memories ♪
Do we have to compromise
To have a little bit of laugh? ♪
Can we have fun and laugh all the time?
Of course we can, dear ♪
Do we have to compromise
To have a little bit of laugh? ♪
Can we have fun and laugh all the time?
Of course we can, dear ♪
Be careful, hush! Life is hard
And people can't be trusted ♪
Mankind is insatiable
Ask what, why, how and for what ♪
When life treats you well
Go for beauty ♪
It's already a stingy life
Say it with me, such is life ♪
The cabaret is starting
Go ahead, please have a seat ♪
Can we have fun and laugh all the time?
Of course we can, dear ♪
[in English] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome. It's a pleasure to have you.
I am your host.
We're about to get started.
At least that's what I thought.
I don't see any actors here.
I suppose I must be early.
Erşan, stage. Erşan, stage!
- Then we'll improvise, for God's sake.
- [audience applauding]
You called me, sir?
Is this the Stingy Life cabaret?
- Afraid not, we've just closed.
- [audience laughs]
Please, of course it is.
Don't play dumb with these folks.
I just thought I might be early,
since there's no one else here.
Sweetheart, we just had a truckload
of people out here dancing on stage.
How'd you miss it?
Ah, there's been a misunderstanding,
my friend. I'm the narrator of the show.
Oh, I get it. This is a Brechtian thing.
Okay, you don't see the dancers,
like you don't see the audience, right?
What audience?
[chuckles] All right, enough.
It's for all of you
that we booked this venue for our premier,
which we are filming tonight.
Erşan, please. You're hilarious.
You're the hilarious one. I assure you.
In fact, I can prove that you're part
of a joke this very instant.
Why, be my guest.
- What's the price of a loaf of bread?
- It's ten lira.
You see? That's the biggest joke of all.
- [gasps] Well, sir. All hats off to that.
- [laughs]
- Right, folks?
- [audience applauding]
I'd better get in character.
- Begin the narration.
- Ah!
If I asked you
when this experiment
of human society first began,
what would you say to me?
[speaking gibberish]
Pardon me. Ugh! Oh! Do you smell that?
She's asking if this is
where the other tribe lives.
Oh, of course.
Well, then time for me to turn
the stage and the show over to the actors.
Şükran, look.
I see a cave right over there.
This must be the place.
Abraham, I'm begging you.
- Listen to me. Don't embarrass the girl.
- Hey!
Really, Dad, can't I marry
this boy already?
I've waited long enough.
You don't understand, Çakıl.
This is the way we do things right now.
Can you stop with the traditions already?
You're giving me goose bumps.
- And totally creeping me out.
- You say that because we just invented it.
Oh, hello, there.
Or should I say "graugh." I don't know
if you people use language yet.
Sir, I'm Kenan Mızraklı.
My wife Melisa Mızraklı.
You can guess Junior's last name.
Mızraklı. [laughs]
Please, sit.
Of course. Wow, see this, honey?
They have stones as furniture. Nice.
- They must be a really advanced tribe.
- [Kenan] Ah.
You're Mr. Torrrak, correct?
Yes, that's right.
Torrrak. With three rolled Rs.
As I always say, what's in a name?
No, sir, I'm Torrrak Anaerkil.
My wife Şükran Anaerkil,
and she's Çakıl Anaerkil.
Hunters or gatherers?
We are gatherers, sir.
We're prehistoric hippies
from Middle Anatolia.
We may look rough around the edges,
and I promise, our daughter is too.
I never laugh at jokes about women.
- Oh, why not?
- It's not worth the risk.
- Ah.
- Hello, there, ma'am. How are you?
- [growls]
- [laughs] She doesn't really do talking.
How do you communicate?
Oh, you know, I just shake her around.
My son too. He loves it.
He loves a good shove. [laughs]
Oh, my God.
My wife can speak,
although sometimes I wish she couldn't.
[laughing]
Here, sir, I've gathered these fruits
for the engagement.
- We're carnivores. Ever since we got fire.
- Fire. It's great.
If we agree on this girl,
now does that make her my aunt?
- Your sister-in-law. If we agree.
- Right. We just invented that.
Is it true your tribe
has been starting agriculture?
You know tilling soil, stuff like that?
We just built our first hedge and fence.
Fucking pain in the ass.
We're a matriarchal tribe,
so forgive me for swearing, ladies.
And, Torrrak, how much did you pay
for natural gas last month?
Well, they haven't installed fire
in our cave yet.
- My boys could do that.
- [Junior] Uh-huh.
Guaranteed heat as far
as the mouth of the cave.
- Yeah.
- Our friends had it installed.
But they don't check the meter.
They write random numbers in.
- Dad, this hottie is really something.
- She is.
"Hottie." Did you hear that?
I just made that up.
[Kenan] We'll call her that.
Hottie, yeah. Hottie, that's a great word.
Sir, my dad is being shy, so I'll say it.
Your son and I met down by the creek,
and it was love at first sight.
I mean, really, it was just
well, not exactly civilized,
but whatever. You know what I mean.
We knew in that moment
we should be together.
Wow, Torrrak,
that girl of yours sure can talk.
It's incredible.
She can, yeah.
It's like we're family already.
One big happy group.
And she gathered all this fruit.
So she works.
- She works in the field.
- Well, not anymore.
Since she'll mainly be working
at night from now on.
Oh, my God.
Not with me.
Torrrak, what have you done?
These people are savages.
- No way! Shh! Shh!
- What would she do if she didn't work?
That's right. I can't just
sit around in the cave all day.
Honestly, sweetheart.
That's our whole thing.
- Obviously.
- Ah!
- Hey, Caner, come here.
- Hello, Çakıl.
Son, what the hell is that?
Check out the balls
on this young man. [laughs]
That bodes very well
for the future. [laughing]
- This is great, yeah.
- I know what you're thinking.
He takes after his dear mother.
- He looks like her. Yeah, I can see it.
- [Kenan] Hey, Caner, son.
This is Torrrak and his wife Şükran.
They want you
to marry their darling daughter.
- Yeah, I know, Dad. They're wonderful.
- [laughing]
An amazing tribe
that bakes incredible bread.
- Torrrak, show Dad the bread.
- Oh, son, let's not get excited.
It's "almost-bread," at best.
My doctor just told me,
"Stop eating bread."
- But I see you haven't.
- No.
- Obviously.
- We used to call it "bre-bre," right?
- Bre-bre. Later, it became bread.
- [splutters] Yeah. Bre bre
How how do you say it? Bre
- Bre-bre!
- There you go.
[laughing]
Anyway, if I may say, in the fire of love
and in the spirit of the wind,
I'm asking your permission
to have your son, sir.
- Baby, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Oh, Daddy!
Well, then, there's something called
the marriage pact.
Son, run and get my tablet.
- Get it.
- You're gonna love it.
This is written down,
so everything is recorded.
All right, so once you hand over the girl,
all of your, uh,
your fields, your harrows,
any land you own,
all of that will belong to us.
Why is that?
Well, it's a simple trade.
- Your son is simple?
- Isn't he?
Really, Dad, what would we do
with the land they cultivate?
I don't even wanna be a farmer.
You see? The boy's simple.
My father would never tell a lie.
Çakıl, baby. What do you think?
Come on, let's get out of here, Dad.
This is totally uncivilized. How dare you!
Wait a minute, little girl.
I have some words for you.
Junior, let's go.
[upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish]
We just started walking upright ♪
But we figured it out all right ♪
Since stick does the job
We believe in the stick ♪
Working the fields and land
I'm not doing any of that ♪
We have the sticks and the spears
We are brutes and have all the money ♪
Dad, please have some decency
Humans should be civil, you see ♪
It's in bad taste, talking about a stick
It's really not what makes me tick ♪
I can also take part in this song ♪
Or decide to abstain ♪
What would I do if I wielded the stick?
That's really what makes me think ♪
Why am I here? I'm delicate and frail ♪
Sweetie, life with them would be hard
But so would it be elsewhere ♪
Look at the stick we invented
As if that's what we needed ♪
Guns and cannons are a long way off ♪
Stop being so naive
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
I don't know, I'll stay out of this ♪
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
You need the stick to turn the wheel ♪
I don't know, I'll stay out of this ♪
[singing in French]
[audience applauding]
[in English] And so Çakıl couldn't resist.
All it took was a couple
of wild beast attacks
and then stones, sticks and spears
were sought after by all.
Our ancestors started out as a family.
And besides the club, they had
lots and lots of other inventions.
Amazing things,
like painting and sculpture.
Things like poetry and philosophy.
Although for all their know-how,
the club has been the most popular.
It's been behind power-changing hands
and nice things getting worse.
Ah! Tribes became cities.
Cities became kingdoms,
and emperors ruled.
Believe it or not,
at some point, we even had democracy.
Demos versus Kratos.
Ah, greetings, citizen.
Can I help you?
I'm a new senator. This is the cafeteria?
Oh, yes, welcome, master.
Have a seat, please.
No, not master. Just senator.
- Ah. Uh, well, senator.
- [clears throat]
Uh, the soup here is excellent.
It's one coin.
- Or there's a whole lamb, also a coin.
- Sorry.
How could a whole lamb cost a coin?
It's 25 coins on the market.
I get it, senator.
You're excited because you're new.
It's okay. You'll get used to it.
Uh, something on the side, sir?
That's just a coin as well.
How's this possible?
I'll tell you what's really odd.
If you get it all
and top it off with ice cream
or milk pudding or whatever
and add it together,
it's still just a coin. It's true.
That's the part I still don't get.
Well, then. We'll start
with a bowl of soup.
- Oh, here, take this feather.
- No, I don't plan to eat that much.
You will, senator.
I'm sure you will. [laughs]
A bowl of soup for the big shot!
This can't be right. I'm making a note.
Something needs to change,
Either the market price should go down
or the price here should go up.
I've gotta fix this.
[laughing]
That was incredible.
Claudius, tell him.
How many people were there?
- 50,000? 50,000 at least. My God.
- 50,000 at least.
I go in the Colosseum,
and there are banners
under the emperor's coat of arms.
Everyone had these headbands
with my name Arturias.
- Chanting, "Arturias, Arturias!"
- "Arturias!"
It was incredible. Tell him, man.
You should have been there.
You should have seen this happen.
There was this quartet
of boys playing the horn like
[imitates fanfare]
You had to see it to believe.
I addressed the crowd,
"Will any of you allow
these banners to be torn down?"
- "Never!"
- "Never," they said.
They'll buy anything.
I said Rome will be the capital
of fashion when I'm through.
They all looked around
with this look on their faces. [laughing]
Well done. That's exactly
what I told them in Milan.
I told them that before long they'll be
calling Milan the Paris of the East.
You see? They believe it. Really.
- Garçon, get us some feathers over here.
- [laughing]
- We just ate.
- I'll take that.
Here, son, give me the wine.
- Here, sir.
- That's a good boy.
Uh, master, thanks to you,
that thing of mine was sorted out.
It was nothing, son.
No need to thank me for that.
- [chuckles]
- It was nothing.
His brother wanted to join
the gladiator school at the Colosseum,
so we helped him out.
That's what he means.
- Thank you, master.
- [Claudius] How's the boy?
Is the little fighter doing okay?
Is he all right?
- He was eaten, master. The lions ate him.
- Oh.
There was pretty much nothing left.
But really, master, it's fine.
I'll be right back.
My God, the kid was 45 kilos,
but they insisted he be a gladiator.
Look what happened.
I tell ya, everyone wants
to talk about merit
until it has to do with them. [laughs]
Look, here. That Kratos
is fine in my book,
but that Demos,
well, clearly he's just an asshole.
The other day my peasant
comes up to me and says,
"Please, master, just pull some strings
so I can become the emperor."
How fucking messed up
is that, Arturias? [laughs]
- Anyway, let's not talk too much.
- Yes.
We might have a commoner here.
Watch yourselves.
Hail Mighty Caesar!
- I don't think he's one of us.
- Yeah.
Greetings. I'm Saphocles.
I was elected with 70%
in a small village across town.
It's my first day, and I'm excited.
Congratulations. Tell me,
is it "Sophocles" like the Sophocles?
No, it's Saphocles. With an A.
- "No "O." It's spelled with an "A."
- Is it really? [laughs]
This kid's being cocky now.
"Mine is with an A." A total douchebag.
Garçon, two full lambs for the table.
Tiberius, lamb?
No, man, if I have one more bite,
I'm gonna shit myself.
Shit yourself then. It's fine.
Shit yourself! Come on!
Bon appétit. Although,
I must say I'm shocked at these prices.
Look, kiddo,
we all voted for these prices.
- They asked us, and democracy spoke.
- Yeah.
[Claudius] Why is he coming for us?
Yeah, he's opposing us.
Is he the opposition?
I think he's on the other side.
[clears throat] May I join your group?
- Yes, of course.
- Yeah, sure.
Look, I think the prices in this
restaurant are lower than they should be.
Besides, you seem well-off already.
Later today, I will introduce a motion
on the floor of the Senate
to do something about this.
Yeah, right, pussy.
I'm sorry.
What my colleague means is you need
more than speeches to get something done.
- You need balls.
- [laughing]
What's that got to do with anything?
I mean, honestly,
I wasn't really listening to you.
I just blurted that out.
Sometimes I tend to go off-script as well.
- It happens, you know.
- It happens. Yeah, it happens.
If you would support me
in the senate today,
I'd like to give a speech
and ask the members to carry a motion
on the equality of men and women.
And also, there's the animal rights issue
going on at the arena.
What do those lions eat anyway?
- What do they eat?
- Obviously not lamb, sir.
- Wow, wow, wow! [laughing]
- He was looking right at me. [laughing]
My boy, are you
a representative for the citizens of Rome,
or are you a zoo manager?
Oh, no, let me check him out. Let me
take a look at this young man's physique.
Oh, yes, it's exactly as I thought.
No immunity. [laughing]
Well, look at that.
You're not untouchable.
Sapo, you better watch your ass, kid.
You think we were born yesterday?
I mean, if you try rallying any
of these people, then you're fucked, huh?
Is that right? Well, we'll see.
You'll give a speech?
In the market, I imagine.
- That's right.
- Tiberius, set a rally in the market.
- Understood.
- So, you have to pay them off.
It's called grease, kid.
How else do you think
we could get people to come?
Today, I will face my fellow citizens
and give them
all the unvarnished truth, sirs.
That the empire that gave us
Marcus Aurelius, gave us Cicero,
has fallen into the hands
of petty gamblers like you.
You're serious?
- [Arturias] You'll be at the market?
- I will.
If you don't,
I'll shove a Roman spear up your ass.
- [laughing]
- I'll be there.
- You will, huh? You'll be at the market?
- Yes. I will.
- Do you have the balls, kid? Do you?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
We'll be waiting at the market. Go on.
All right, Romans,
may I have your attention?
Shut up. Shut the fuck up!
A senator is addressing you.
You start, warm 'em up.
Come on, Romans
Come on, Romans, hear it ♪
Take the ball straight down the field
And win it ♪
My fellow Romans.
I say to you whoever you call mom,
whoever you call "Dad,"
whoever your true fathers are,
our mother is the Queen Demeter.
Our dear father is Jupiter.
And what do our ancestors say?
That we must love and be loved.
Because this world is only temporary.
[all] Bravo!
[Arturias] Allow me.
My brothers and sisters.
In truth, everything we have
belongs to you.
We have nothing for ourselves,
nor do we ask for more.
I'm not even wearing underwear right now.
Everything is for Rome.
Listen, dear people,
Claudius, our beloved senator is starting
a group in the senate
in which we will continue to serve.
- Yes! Like love, it's better in a group.
- We're in.
On behalf of all physicians,
we haven't heard one word from the senate
about benefits for the doctors.
Where are the coins for our pensions?
- You.
- Yes. Your turn, kid.
- This is your area.
- You have the floor, make your speech.
Well, um, you know,
I say the doctors are absolutely right
with their demands.
- We should, um
- Yes.
- Can you repeat the question?
- See, he blew it.
Just save your breath. We've heard enough.
I'm turning in my medical pelt.
I'm outta here.
- Yeah, go on. Go on. Get out of here.
- [crowd booing]
- It's too loud. I can't hear
- Excuse me. Two questions.
Is that group you mentioned an orgy?
And if so, then how can we participate?
Great question.
We've petitioned the cities,
and they've all agreed
to set aside some land
for the people to do each other
or themselves, you know, whatever else.
Right, the government
should just stay out of it.
We'll leave those decisions up to you.
As I said,
"The people can fuck themselves
better than we can."
[cheering]
Hey, wait a minute.
The people must have other questions.
Ask me about our plans
for public spending.
Or about our policy to deal
with the high cost of living.
Back it up.
- Just shut up already.
- There are citizens dying of hunger.
Does that mean a Roman should eat rocks?
Should he eat rocks?
- Bravo!
- Bravo! Bravo!
To the vampires who want
to suck our blood, just try it.
You just try it.
- Yeah! That's right. That's right!
- [all] That's right. That's right!
- That's right!
- Oh!
- If you're so jealous of us, suck on this.
- Yeah, come suck on this!
Right, and whoever is jealous of us,
I hope that big spiders
crawl right up your ass.
- Yeah!
- Like the Germans.
The Germans, yes. Those bastards!
- Always jealous of us. We'll show them.
- Yes.
- We're gonna show the Germans who's boss!
- We'll show 'em!
- That's right.
- [laughs]
Wait a minute. We're not done yet.
Listen to me, listen.
I wish to say something
concerning women's rights.
I don't need your rights.
I'm a senator's wife. I'm fine.
- All right, kid, get back. Come on, move!
- Get off the stage.
- Citizens of Rome.
- [laughing]
The president of the women's commission,
Tiberius, will say a few words.
- I'm on the women's commission?
- Yeah, the lady-problems.
Women of Rome, I promise to deal
with each and every one
of your problems personally.
- You have my word. I swear I'll
- [loud thud]
All hail Cornelius the Third!
[crowd cheering]
Well.
Arturias, I didn't see you
at the baths last night, my friend.
I was there, Your Majesty,
a bit lower down.
- I waved, but you didn't see me.
- [laughing]
And how are you, dear Claudius?
Very well, Your Majesty.
Import, export,
you know, we're getting by. [laughs]
I have closed a deal
with the Persians to export clouds.
Look, sir, you see that.
There go some of them now.
- What are the chances?
- [laughing]
Very good, but what are you doing here?
Are you trying to start a revolt or what?
No, no, Your Majesty. We're just letting
the people blow off some steam.
Blow off steam, huh?
All right.
Dear Romans, how have you been doing, huh?
[all chanting] So good, so good, so good.
People of Rome,
I can tell you're all
extremely satisfied with my performance
from all your praise.
So, allow me to say something
perfectly clearly to you.
People, the reason Rome
is singing my praises,
celebrating and appreciating me
is because I have taken
the empire forward.
I challenge you
to find a single Roman who lacks anything.
You can't because my officials
know what they're doing.
Oh, I see a freshman senator.
Come here. Tell me what's on your mind.
Mighty Emperor,
I had some ideas written down.
However, I failed to impress a majority
in the senate.
So I hope to join a group
with these good men.
Oh, yes, a group has its advantages.
Good for you.
Well done. Don't try to do it alone.
A group is the way to go. Bravo.
- A group man.
- Right.
- [laughing]
- All right, then.
Oh, doctor. You're back.
- [laughing]
- I forgot that all roads lead to Rome.
- Yeah, told you so, didn't I?
- [laughing]
I told you she'd be back.
Friends, Romans, et cetera,
put a tape in the stereo,
and let's have some fun.
[upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish] They charge for air
And water and always swindle ♪
You can break the piggy bank
But it won't be enough ♪
People at the top all began to rob ♪
What do you say, brother?
It won't change ♪
See which one it will be ♪
That comes and saves us ♪
We were bleeding money
And gambled for a little chance ♪
What can the poor do? It won't change ♪
We're used to hardship
And back on the road again ♪
Good things won't happen overnight ♪
See which one it will be ♪
That comes and saves you ♪
They charge for air and water
And always swindle ♪
Come and keep me busy
It won't ever change ♪
They're all the same
Each one of them, inhumane ♪
Orgies every day, it won't ever change ♪
[grunts]
[in English] Is man,
I ask, originally good or evil?
Certainly, over the centuries,
we've encountered all kinds of people.
There have been good ones and bad ones.
There've been plenty
of heroes and cowards.
Ah, the sane and the insane.
Is it a question of the sexes? Hmm?
Or is it maybe the women versus the men?
Ah, I mean, who the hell's been raising
all these people?
Our mothers give birth to lionhearted men.
Of course, no one would argue that.
But what happens
to those lions after they're raised?
You may expect me
to say society's to blame.
- Shh! Shh! Shh! I can't bring myself.
- [audience applauding]
[gasps] The bed's not supposed to be here.
It's supposed to be up high, Cemile!
What's wrong with it?
It's right in the middle of the room, sis.
Honey, I asked you to raise it
up high there, like a throne.
Yes, of course, it has to be a throne.
Otherwise, he couldn't give out orders
to have me strangled, now could he?
Don't be such a jealous little sister.
Today, my son is a prince, a prince.
I could never allow a prince to be
circumcised on any old mattress.
When my little boy
should be way up high on a throne.
We'll see. That boy's going to
break a lot of hearts in this town.
And once he gets his stitches out,
better keep your daughters away from him.
Because my nephew's a man now.
He asked me if he'll be married soon
now that he's a man.
So precious.
Married? What a waste of time for him.
He's young.
Beautiful boys should always be free
and making sexy love.
And why should he get attached? Eww!
All those cheap girls are
barely worth a fling anyway.
Exactly. Your ex-fiancé
must have thought the same thing
when he called things off.
That little shit.
Always trying to rain on our parade.
The kid's nine,
and he's still in his original packaging.
And all the daughters are safe,
if you ask me. You'll see.
You watch it, Sibel, or I'll
rip that tongue of yours right out.
Yağız Efe is a prince, a prince.
He is a young lion, isn't he?
- I could just rip it off myself.
- What did you say?
I'm kidding, dear.
- How could you think I was serious?
- [laughing]
It's getting chopped today anyway.
Right before the party starts.
Come, Cemile, let's go
and check on the cakes and lemonade.
All right, sis.
Seriously, none of you
are making any sense.
"Oh, he's a prince."
You say you love democracy,
but for Yağız Efe,
this family turns into a monarchy.
- I'd just gobble it up.
- Please. The mouth on her.
Seriously, Nuran, that's two.
I'm getting pissed off.
Oh, she's silly, oh. [laughs]
[gasps] Yağız Efe.
- Yağız Efe!
- Mom, the end of my stick came off.
Oh, my God,
it came off on today of all days?
I don't know about you,
but it sure seems like a sign to me.
[mumbling] Son,
we can have that fixed. Don't worry.
Just stay in the moment
and focus on the real thing.
Taci, they've put the bed on the floor
when I wanted it to be high up there
like a throne.
- Yeah.
- Yağız Efe.
Mama's one and only,
how are you, my sweetie pie?
- I guess I'm a little scared, Mom.
- [gasps]
But, son, today you're a prince.
Princes are never scared.
- Right, Taci?
- Well, you know
- Were you circumcised, uncle?
- Of course, I was, son. Of course.
Okay, and were you scared?
Kid, to this very day, I'm terrified
if anything gets too close down there.
We could be playing a game of foosball,
and I'd be covering myself.
Ah! So that's why you're
always digging around in your pants.
Yeah, I guess I always need to check
to make sure it's still down there.
Cut it out. You'll give him ideas.
Aslan and the others should
be here any minute.
Okay, let's check on the cake
and the lemonade.
- Come on, move.
- Yeah, all right.
- Holler when they get here.
- Yeah, sure, sure. Don't worry about it.
Where are they? Where's the circumciser?
Where the hell is İbiş and Aslan?
Where are they?
I was with Aslan,
but we got a little under our cups.
So, I really have no idea.
- I'm here. It's okay. I'm here.
- Aslan, where the hell have you been?
We've been waiting for you!
- Uncle Aslan!
- Hello, there!
[laughing]
- You little punk. You little punk!
- [laughing]
Show me your weenie. Show me your weenie!
Taci, tell him to show it.
- Aslan, he'll show it, all right?
- Show me your weenie.
- Just take it easy. Take it easy.
- [laughing]
Taci, are you really as drunk as they are?
- Huh?
- Yeah, you know, I didn't have much.
Just like, half a bottle of vodka,
because I'm too excited, you know.
- [Aslan] Yeah.
- I just can't work heavy machinery.
I assume no one will ask,
"Taci, bring the backhoe out front."
- No way.
- God, grant me patience.
Check this out. İbiş.
İbiş. İbiş. İbiş.
- [laughing] Hey, soldier. Hey, soldier!
- [laughing]
Fahri, can I get you anything, pal?
No, thanks, Aslan.
I don't need anything right now.
Just my equipment.
Hello, young man. How are you, Işık?
Welcome, brother.
Say hello to the man, son.
Say hello to the man.
Yağız Efe. Say hello, son.
- There.
- How are you?
- Ah, look, he's nervous.
- Drink.
Are the girls chasing
after you yet or what?
- Cheers!
- Yağız Efe! Yağız Efe! I know they are.
Your Uncle Aslan. Aslan.
Aslan, you must take this young man.
- Yeah.
- And teach him.
- I will.
- Teach him right.
You know what I used
to call him when he was little?
Soldier! You know? Soldier, I said.
Now without the helmet.
- [laughing]
- Oh, my God.
Come on. For the last time, that's enough.
What did you say back when uncle said,
"How'd you respond to soldier?"
Aslan, I'm asking you
to stop the jokes now.
Oh, Işık, relax. This will be
the best day of your son's life.
Now, listen to me.
Fahri is the best
fucking circumciser in the neighborhood.
The best fucking one because
when I'm done you still can right?
[laughing]
- Işık, my friend.
- Yeah.
Do you have any alcohol?
Ah, for disinfecting
your equipment you mean?
No, man, it's just this lemonade
is a bit weak.
[laughs] My hands are a little shaky
at the moment.
But one glass
of the good stuff should do the trick.
You're shaking all right.
- I got you. Fahri.
- It's okay.
- Yes, man.
- Medicine.
Eighty proof, great. Just mix it in with
a glass of lemonade. That should do it.
- All right, then.
- Just get on with it, man. Get on with it.
- Okay, just uncover it now, Işık.
- Dad?
- Let's see the soldier.
- It's okay. Let's uncover it.
- Take it easy now. Easy, easy.
- Let me see it, son.
You sure you know
what you're doing, right?
Wait, hang on, hang on, Işık.
Fahri, here you go.
- This is on me. On me. On me.
- Oh, yeah. Thank you. Cheers.
Bring it in everyone. Cheers.
- Cheers. I'll snip it. Just relax.
- You should
You should be enjoying this.
- Stop being a party pooper.
- I'm gonna have my fun once this is over.
Enjoy it like your father enjoyed yours.
You pussy!
- You pussy!
- [Fahri groans]
- Get on with it!
- No, no, he's a soldier, soldier!
- [laughing]
- Soldier.
Open up, son. I can't see the
You're sure it's completely numb, right?
Don't worry.
It's not a big job. It's small.
- [laughing]
- Fahri, that's the mother's side.
It's not really Işık's fault.
Işık is not to blame.
- [laughing]
- Agh! Aslan, I said that's enough.
- I've had it.
- Come on, he's just nine years old,
That's what that age is about.
Exactly. For instance, I'm 44
and as thick as a log. [laughing]
- [laughing]
- [Aslan] Hit the drum.
- Hit it after I make a joke.
- All right, all right.
- All right, son, here we go.
- You're gonna numb it?
- Oh, yes, of course.
- Fahri.
You know, usually
in a situation like this,
I tranquilize the other party.
Oh, for God's sakes.
- I give 'em a drink and then bam.
- [laughing]
Aslan, man, you're the best.
- Are you ready? Are you ready, son?
- Cheers!
- I'm not scared, Mr. Circumciser.
- [Fahri] Okay.
As long as you give me the anesthesia.
- Oh, my goodness, son, relax. Boy!
- Soldier!
- [laughing]
- Listen to me, okay? Now
You got nothing to worry about.
Everyone loves you. Look who's here.
You have Uncle Fahri, of course.
Uncle Taci, Işık.
Your dad, your brother-in-law.
- İbiş. Hit it, İbiş. [laughs]
- Hit it, İbiş.
- İbiş, hit it.
- Let's go, İbiş.
Let's go, hey! ♪
Let's go, İbiş, let's go ♪
- Get on with it.
- You're your mom's prince, right?
All the girls are gonna
love you, Yağız Efe. Don't worry.
- Nothing to worry about. All right.
- Get on with it.
- Let's uncover it.
- Open up now.
- Easy, he's gonna get cold.
- All right, I'm injecting it now.
- [groans]
- It's okay. All right, that's it.
The rest is a piece of cake.
- Fahri, is it numb, doctor?
- Give it a couple of minutes.
- It's gonna go numb.
- I promise you won't even miss it.
- Check it.
- I'll give it a squeeze.
Oh, there we go. It's numb. Okay.
Oh. It's numb. See?
- [laughing]
- My hand is numb.
My hand, it's numb. [laughing]
- Come on, Taci, drink with me.
- I thought we were at the snipping part.
- Işık, enjoy yourself.
- Is that necessary?
You can trust me.
I'll enjoy it as soon as this is over.
- There's nothing to celebrate yet.
- All right, man. Whatever you say.
Hang on a second.
Işık, hang on a second. Here we go.
- All right. Are you ready, son?
- Okay.
Be brave, son. Be brave.
It's really almost over.
- You're a soldier, kid, okay?
- Let me just
- See, here it is.
- I'm here.
- Don't look. You don't have to look.
- Would you
- Keep looking up.
- Aslan, are we ready, bro?
- I'm snipping it.
- Yep.
- [shouts]
- Careful. Almost had you there.
That's all for him.
[laughing] All right, then.
- See, you're okay, son.
- Cool. All good now.
It's all finished now.
Well done. [laughing]
- Whoa! Is there anything left?
- There you go.
[sighs] Taci, I think I'm gonna
- Wait, Işık, hang on.
- Hang on.
- [Işık] I'm gonna pass out.
- It's okay, I, uh
- Whatever you do, don't hit it.
- [Işık] I'm gonna pass out.
- [Taci] Bro.
- How you feeling, soldier?
- Not bad.
- Dude, what do we do now?
What's wrong?
Hey, what the hell did
you give me this for?
- Did you snip it?
- Yeah. [laughs]
Who knows how many hearts he'll break.
Yeah, I'd like to know that too.
He's a man now, a man. The Lion King!
Wait. Işık?
- Oh!
- Oh, he just
He got excited.
You know how Işık is. [laughing]
What a party pooper.
A real man wouldn't pass out.
Like you, son. Now you're a real man.
I can't feel anything, Mom.
I'd rip it off myself.
Too late.
I could just eat it up. Really, I swear.
- Help yourself.
- Hey, what's this?
- [laughing]
- Soldier!
I took a little off the top.
- Ooh! Oh! Ah!
- [shouts]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
You can't live life
with your head in the sand.
Even so, how could you imagine a cabaret
that didn't critique social issues?
Excuse me, sir.
I absolutely adored
the skit I was just in.
Are you by chance the author?
I'm so glad to hear that you liked it.
It was like a slap in the face
to the toxic male worldview.
Well, you know, the moms and aunties
do their part to pressure a young man.
I know. Saying things
like, "Go get 'em, tiger"
just re-directs that
pressure back to women.
- Oh! [laughs]
- Enough of that.
But I have to tell you, sir,
that for a man,
you made some great observations.
I mean, it was brilliant. You took
every taboo and smashed them all.
- My lovely girl, you're far too kind.
- [laughs] I know.
Would you mind if I flirted
with you over a drink?
Why, I wouldn't mind at all.
[sighs] Plus, you're the perfect age.
It would be simple to convince you
to sign your house over to me.
Unless, pardon me, that's too cliché
for a writer like yourself.
[chuckles] To hell with the cliché.
Let's get to the registrar.
[chuckles] After you.
Gentlemen, look.
This here, here, here, here and here.
They passed a new law
redesignating the land.
So, from now on, this woodland,
will be open to construction permits.
That's what I'm talking about.
It's time to shed our humanity
and do the really evil stuff.
I mean, how lucky can you get?
Anyone with land there
has to go through us.
- Yeah.
- You already know what to do.
Give them the runaround until they cry.
- That's right.
- You got it.
I'm so proud of you guys. There's no
public office where I'd rather be.
- Sir.
- You guys are the best. Off you go.
- Anything we know, we learned it from you.
- Back to work.
- Every single scam.
- Exactly.
- [laughing]
- But I think I should warn you, Sermet.
Uh, don't wear
those expensive watches to work.
I only wore mine
because I saw you wearing yours, sir.
Good point. I should be a role model
and take mine off as well.
- To be safe.
- Of course.
Hey, look at that thing.
Is that hold on.
Is that a newer model than mine?
Sir, remember that hotel we fast-tracked?
It's from that.
As I recall,
I was the last one to sign off on that.
So in all fairness,
this should really belong to me.
- I'll keep this then.
- Please.
- Don't wear it to the office.
- Got it, sir.
It's been five minutes since I've
taken a bribe. I'm going crazy. [laughs]
- Back to work, guys.
- [knock on door]
Come in.
Sorry I'm late.
Uh, there's a road being built there,
so nothing we can do.
Sir, I'm Aylin Seçkin.
It's my first day on the job.
Here are my documents.
Oh. Right.
Let me see. Miss Aylin. [clears throat]
Assistant manager.
Okay, well, all right then.
This is Sermet and Erkin.
- [both] Hello.
- Try to keep up.
Uh, so, uh hang on.
So, it says here Miss Aylin
will be working with you
with a higher signing authority.
What's wrong, sir?
Well, it's just we have
an established system here, you know.
Sir, does this mean that from now on
we should come directly to you
without having Miss Aylin sign anything?
Or we can bypass Miss Aylin
and tell people she's on sick leave.
Yeah, yeah, for particular cases,
we can just report
that Miss Aylin has passed away.
I'm friends with a guy in Funeral Affairs,
so he'll help us out. All right, cool.
Congratulations
and sorry for your loss, Miss Aylin.
Welcome.
Listen, Sermet, give her a seal.
Right away.
Whoever bears the seal
is as wise as Solomon.
- Here you go.
- All right, then. Good luck to you.
- Please, take a seat. Süleyman, four teas.
- Please.
- I received a memo getting me up to speed.
- [boss] Yes.
They've redesignated parts of the forest.
- And I have some concerns.
- [sighs]
We were discussing that
right before you came in.
Me and the boys are
just burning up inside.
Hello, good morning.
Good morning. Good morning.
Is this here the land "registratery," sir?
- No, it's the "passportisserie."
- [laughs]
Mr. Rıza, you people
are normally so charming,
but you seem like a pain in the ass.
- Um, Miss Aylin can help. Go on, pops.
- Go see Aylin right over there.
- Go talk to her.
- Look here, miss.
I've got two acres of land,
and I want to get a permit
to build on that land.
Would you mind checking
on that for me, please?
Let me see, sir.
Leave it.
- Well, sir, it says here that you can.
- Yes, well, that's great news.
We'd like to build a small cabin.
That's all we wanna do.
- Cabin? You can't build a cabin there.
- No cabins.
No, absolutely not. We already told you,
you need to sell that plot.
I heard my boss tell you that himself
the last time you were here.
- It's a tourism area.
- Right. It's a tourism area.
No, sir, you already have a permit for it.
What would you prefer?
"Whatever he prefers?" [chuckles]
I've never heard that
in this office before,
because it certainly isn't true.
- But the young lady said I had a permit.
- He does.
Let me give you an answer
that you may be able to understand.
"You can't do nothin' with that plot
unless we dang well say you can."
[laughing]
Well, if it isn't Nizami
and his band of thieves. What's up?
- Oh, sir. Welcome, sir.
- [laughing]
- Cha-ching! Pocket check.
- [laughing]
Oh, sir, how do you even do that?
Servet, what's up? Cha-ching!
- Erkin, cha-ching!
- [laughing]
- Oh, Mr. Sami.
- My friend.
You're the sun
that keeps this office lit, really.
What's up? [exclaims]
[gasps]
How did you manage to put that on?
That's speed, boys.
In my line of work, you gotta move fast.
Come in, have a seat.
Please, sir. May I call you Sami? [laughs]
Call me Dad.
- Yes, Daddy. Yes, Daddy.
- Our dad.
Daddy, I need to ask you for a favor.
If you could, write a note that says,
"The watch was purchased
with his own money," if you please.
Sure, sure, sure, no problem.
A coffee for Daddy.
I haven't seen that lady before.
Is she new here?
She's new, yeah.
- [shouts]
- Oh!
What's this?
Are you bribing me, sir?
My bad. Süleyman, cha-ching! [laughs]
Go on, go on, get.
Uh, now, sir, your orders?
Well, Nizami. [clears throat]
Well, as you know,
I was expecting this area's designation
to change to allow me more construction.
Thanks, by the way.
- [laughing] Good job.
- No problem, sir. You did it.
I've been buying land piece by piece
by piece by piece until I own everything.
- Yes, sir.
- I need a permit to build a hotel there.
So do your thing,
move the paperwork and make it happen.
Of course. What kind of
hotel were you thinking?
Something that when you see it, you say,
"Wow, that motherfucker
really fucked up the entire coastline."
- Yes. Yes.
- Understand?
And once you're inside of it,
I want it to be a five-star,
world-class experience, right?
Really fucking sweet!
Well, sir, that certainly sounds
like a place where I would like to stay.
[laughing]
- Um, sir?
- Huh?
Um, you do have a permit,
but I can't approve it.
- Please, talk to my manager.
- Okay, miss. Mr. Manager, uh
Oh, right. Uh, Sami, hey.
Remember that small plot?
It belongs to him.
Yeah, you mean you own this tiny plot
sticking out like a little weenie?
- Yes.
- Where the hell have you been?
I've been looking for you everywhere.
[laughing]
Cha-ching! Check your pocket.
- [laughing]
- Wow, 50,000 lira!
I'll just take that back.
That was just practice.
You didn't notice though, did you?
- He's shocked, too shocked to speak.
- I really didn't.
Mr. Rıza, this gentleman,
Mr. Sami, is a tourism mogul.
Oh, I've heard of him.
I know all about him.
Damn right, motherfucker.
Yeah, I know your kind.
I've dealt with cattle all my life.
- I know a milker when I see one.
- [laughing]
Now, by the looks of it,
you're approximately a hundred kilos.
Your hide looks firm,
and the only thing left to find out is
how many gallons I'll get out of ya.
- Rıza is our type of guy, huh?
- Yeah, he is. We'll get him there.
Get Mr. Rıza a fruit tea.
It's too early for coffee.
- That's right.
- So, you wanna build a hotel, do ya?
All right, son.
Let's take a look at the map.
Smack dab in the middle
of your site is my little plot.
That land belongs to me.
So what are you gonna do about that?
I'll tell you
what we're gonna do, Mr. Rıza.
You sell me those two acres,
and I'll pay you
a reasonable market price.
I don't get it. They said I couldn't
even build a small cabin up there.
No, sir, you see, you can't build there.
But this gentleman wants
to fuck the whole coastline.
The law is crystal clear.
In the case of a tie, it goes to him.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
Seriously, is that right?
Well, then, son, you just go "cha-ching,"
and we'll see what happens, huh?
- Cha-ching!
- [laughing]
- Wow, is he amazing or what?
- [laughing]
Sami, listen, I'll handle
all the paperwork related to the sale.
Don't worry about a thing.
The permit's good as yours.
Yeah, just deal with it, man.
I'm too busy for this crap anyway.
Of course, of course.
It took me a while,
but I've reviewed the application.
In short, the site is unsuitable
for a hotel. Here.
And also, regarding
your rude behavior earlier,
I'm expecting an apology.
Accepting or offering a bribe
is absolutely unethical, to say the least.
If a public official's job
relies on bribery,
then lawlessness rules in that office.
I expected better from you.
Sami, my friend, Aylin was just reciting
Reşat Nuri Gültekin's
famous novel The Wren.
- And what a great passage it is.
- [laughing]
- What an amazing job.
- Bravo!
- Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
- Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!
Listen, Miss Aylin,
we already made a deal with the ministry.
We've already got our approval.
So that's why we're in this situation.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot
in good faith sign your document.
I'll send my views
to the urban planning office.
What? Wait a minute, honey. Don't do that.
How am I gonna sell my property?
Miss Aylin, if this is about numbers,
don't let that hold us up.
- I'm sure we can figure something out.
- Exactly.
All of us here
are pretty good with numbers.
Aylin, we'll be fair when
we're splitting up the pot. I promise.
You'll be fair, huh?
Darling, you're a public officer.
Be smart. That's all we're saying.
Really. Look how upset
you're making Mr. Rıza, Aylin.
Is this really worth all that?
So you're all stealing
and want me to steal too? Is that it?
- Well, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Take it.
- No, I can't.
- Take it, damn it.
- No, I can't.
If it were me,
I'd go ahead and just take it.
To hell with the whole system!
- [laughing]
- [upbeat music playing]
[in Turkish] Take it ♪
I can't, it's the taxpayers' money ♪
Steal it ♪
I can't, it's the state's money ♪
What and how I can do what with what? ♪
Just take it
That's the going rate for it ♪
Just steal it
Why all the fuss? Drop it ♪
How and with what
Can you make ends meet? ♪
Steal it ♪
I can't, the poor need it ♪
Steal it ♪
I can't, it's haram money ♪
How and with what should I punish you? ♪
Screw your preaching
And all your blabbering ♪
I don't have time
For poor people's ramblings ♪
Just go with the flow
And I'll make it rain ♪
The same old story, it never changes ♪
Sorts his stuff out during lunchtime ♪
Life is cruel ♪
What can I say? ♪
All you are good for
Is a parable in a cabaret ♪
Stuck-up idealist
Telling us not to steal ♪
Wrap up the dance
And I'll explain it to you in length ♪
Wrap up the dance
And I'll explain it to you in length ♪
[in English] When life
gets extremely puzzling,
we wish we could go back
to the beginning and start all over.
How can we stop all making
the same mistakes over again?
How can we ever prove
what we believe is really true?
Hey, Mr. Narrator,
we're packed up and ready to go.
Well, I was warming them up
with a little small talk
before we go into our final scene.
- Which is?
- It's this.
Darling, you know I love you,
but I said I wanted a family
and to grow old together, remember?
- Yes, of course.
- Well
It's just now I think it's not
the best idea to mix in with your folks.
But why not, darling?
Well, you know,
it's "club" this and "rifle" that.
And I don't wanna bring a child into
this filthy world, Caner. That's all.
But how can we set an example
if we give up?
You have a point.
Okay, maybe we can't get power,
but we can keep opposing it, can't we?
Well, honey, you're the man.
And that's what they agreed,
and they lived the rest
of their lives as the loyal opposition.
My friend, these people wanna go home now.
- Come on, man.
- [audience applauding]
[upbeat music playing]
[audience cheering]
[music continues playing]
THE END
[theme music playing]