The Neighbors s02e07 Episode Script

Next into the shark tank is Mindy Jelline with a new take on roller skates.
Hello, sharks.
How many times have you asked yourself, "why can't there be a motorized roller skate that's also solar-powered?" Never.
Never have I or anyone on the planet asked that question.
You tell her, Barbara.
So, just to be clear, the woman with the skates is trying to convince those sharks - to invest in her idea? - Exactly.
And we're the aliens, and they're the humans.
Ha! Here's a job for me.
$1,400 a month to be a two-bedroom, one-bath.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's real estate.
Oh.
Sorry.
It's all right, Larry.
You'll find the right job for you, just like Debbie Weaver's going to find the right idea for her small business.
I'll tell you, I have a dream about having a business that is so good that I get to go on "Shark Tank" and the sharks start fighting about who gets to invest in it.
Mm.
Well, if wishes were fishes.
But how do you suppose I could be hired to be a shark? I'm wonderful at judging people.
I live to shoot down dreams, and I look great in a fancy chair.
It's a perfect fit.
Well, you also have to be supe-successful, and you have to have - your own money to invest.
- Oh, she manages a Salsa Castle for a month, and suddenly she thinks she's Oprah.
At least I'm not the biggest embarrassment on the block.
Isn't that right, Marty? Oh, no.
Put damn it.
I just died.
Raithra? Can you hear me, Raithra? No one kills lord varquad and gets away with it.
You hear me? This guy Raithra He's named his headset.
No, it's a real person, Larry, okay? I'm playing online.
Oh, that's so much less sad.
Raithra's been my mortal enemy since "Wizards of War II" came out.
You mark my words, I am going to beat him at this game this weekend if it is the last thing I do.
Oh, this is a total waste of time.
It's like they're talking to you, Marty.
Yeah, it's like we're on "Shark Tank.
" Oh, wouldn't that be fun? Us on "Shark Tank.
" Mm, sounds fun.
Too bad that could never happen.
We came from outer space and settled in New Jersey we took names like Larry Bird and Jackie Joyner-Kersee then the humans moved next door started testing all our limits so sit right down, enjoy the show we'll be done in 30 minutes - I'm so excited for our movie date! - Oh, me too.
You guys are the only ones who appreciate Katherine Heigl the way I do.
She seems so nice.
- I just want to be friends with her.
- Hey, Lord Varquad, we got to drop Max off at his sleepover on the way.
Your minivan's leaving in 10.
Wrap it up.
Whoa, Abby, slow it down! I can't.
The preteen dance finals are this weekend, and I'm way behind on working on our routine.
What is a preteen dance final? No, no, wife.
Don't ask that question or we'll get derailed, and I do not want to miss the trailers.
The preteen dance finals is It's when a group of girls is forced to cover themselves in glitter and jump around like trained monkeys.
- Shut up, Amber! - Dial it back, Disney channel.
Girls! You two are sisters.
You are supposed to support each other.
I wish I had a sister I could see every day.
Debbie, I'll be your everyday sister.
Oh, Jackie! Okay, can the lesbian express kick it into high gear? - We gots to go.
- Okay.
The snacks are loaded.
You sure you don't want to bring your favorite food group? - Red.
- I wish.
I tried to sneak a bottle in to get me through that smurf sequel that Max insisted on seeing.
Got busted.
They put me in mall jail with two teenage potheads.
I felt like a smurfin' idiot.
No.
It's just Abby's juice pouch for me.
You know, what if you lined your purse with this stuff and then you poured wine into it, made your purse a wine pouch? That's actually genius.
Also possibly an indication of a larger drinking problem.
Yeah, and then you put a straw in the strap and you could have a beverage all day long.
Call it the bev bag.
Debbie, that's your "Shark Tank" idea.
No.
I'm just thinking out loud.
Varquad! I'm driving! Let's go! Got to have it, got to have it it's a wonderful thing because I dream it and I think it and it's all I can see this beautiful, beautiful no! New and shining No, Tanner! You're not doing it right! Your dance moves just aren't hot.
We all quit! Even Tanner can see this dance stinks, and she's legally blind.
Guys, stay! We can do this thing! This was the year we were gonna win.
Don't get involved.
Don't get involved.
Damn it.
So this is what's on the other side of the door that gets slammed.
Abby, I have to tell you a big secret that has been kept from you.
I knew it.
I'm adopted, right? It's the only thing that makes sense.
I mean, how else do you explain that I'm adorable, blond, and fun and the rest of the family is just, well No, you're not adopted.
In fact, you and I have more in common than you think.
Behold my past.
You did preteen dance? Holy sugar.
I think I have figured out this bev bag idea.
Honey, don't distract me.
I'm about to ambush Raithra.
He thinks he's meeting me to trade dexterity potions, but I'm gonna kill him instead.
Okay, Marty, what is going on? Is this "Freaky Friday"? Is there a 10-year-old nerd out there pretending to be a Hello, Weavers! Ooh, hey, guys.
I think I have actually made the wine purse.
Oh.
Okay, "Shark Tank," here I Oh.
Oh! Darn it! It's official.
I'm an idiot, and my idea does not work.
Yes, you are.
Yes, it does.
It does.
Presenting - The - The bev bag.
We pulled an all-nighter.
I kept playing "Shark Tank.
" I was judging things for hours The kids, the neighbors, our furniture.
Wow! Don't love Pinot, but wow! Your baby is "Shark Tank" ready.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe there's some kind of online application, hypothetically, at "Shark Tank" backslash contestant forward slash application.
I might have been on the site a thousand times.
Marty, need your laptop.
But I'm about to put an end to Raithra's reign.
You're about to put an end to your sex life if you do not stop talking about Raithra.
Fine.
Oh, hey, guys.
When did you get here? - Here you go.
- Okay.
Oh, the keys are all sweaty.
Okay.
So, here we go.
"Shark tank" airs on abc on Friday nights after blah-blah-blah blah-blah blah-blah.
There's the application.
"Due to overwhelming response, 'Shark Tank' will no longer accept applications this season.
" "Please check back again in six months.
" Sorry, honey.
I just felt I was getting so close to my dream.
Indeed.
Your failures must feel redundant at some point.
Hey, Larry, that's very insensitive.
So, you don't need that anymore, right? - All right.
- Take it.
All right.
Tsk.
Oh! You were miss preteen dance state champ? My world is upside down.
And then I realized the error of my ways.
Quit now.
You are a woman, Abby.
You should be aiming higher than a tutu.
Run countries, make medicine, add a level of civility to political discourse.
I'm 7.
And if you hated it so much, why'd you hang on to all this stuff? Okay, fine.
I'll help.
But come Sunday, we go back to ignoring each other.
Meet me down in the garage first thing tomorrow morning at noonish.
Marty, enough with the games! Start the grill.
It's almost dinner.
I'm about to slay a level-8 elf king.
Oh, well, I'm about to hire a level-9 divorce lawyer.
Debbie, guess Guess who's going on "Shark Tank"? What? Husband, you streamrolled me again.
I wanted to be the one to tell her.
What about the six-month wait? - Yes, well, it's - It was so easy.
All we did was check back onto the website.
Oh, that was easy.
- And then I - And then I got the producer's name.
Uh-oh.
And then hacked into the IRS mainframe to get his home number.
Oh, God! And then I explained that you're about to be redeployed to Afghanistan, and I may or may not have mentioned, in no particular order, tornado, hurricane, and dialysis.
Anyway voilà You are on "shark" "Tank.
" I did all of this for my best friend's dream, and you leave me "tank.
" I'm gonna be on "Shark Tank"! Oh! Okay, okay.
That's okay.
Oh, wow! Hello, sharks.
I am Debbie Weaver, and I'm What am I doing? Sorry.
Do-over.
- This shark's not biting.
I'm out.
- Shut up, Larry.
Why was I dragged down here for this? Debbie.
Debbie.
- Try explaining the purse.
- Okay, yeah.
So, it's yellow And we did piping With contrast stitching here and here.
Also, here.
Then the edge, we did stitching here.
Oh, it's so boring! It's too much explanation.
This shark needs something meatier.
I'm out.
I'm in.
Tell me more about the stitching, baby.
Not not too much more, but just a little bit more.
Go ahead.
So I know I'm bad.
You did all the work, you get me on the show, - and I can't even do my stupid part.
- Debbie Weaver - I did not build that purse - I built the purse.
- Nor craft a wonderful lie - I told the lie.
- Just so that you could blow it.
- She's not gonna blow it.
Stop feeling pressure, and do it like this Hello, sharks.
I'm housewife Debbie Weaver, and I love wine, and I love movies, and now I can love them both at the same time.
Ready to have your lives changed? A (Bleep) talking dog could do this.
Wait.
Say that again.
A (Bleep) talking dog could do this.
No, Larry, the sales pitch.
- You're really good at this.
- He really is.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, Larry, you should go on "Shark Tank" with me.
And I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I think you're finally right about something.
Okay, no solo dancer has won a team dance competition since, well, me.
What did you do? And a slide And a swish and a sway and a turn And pose! - Just teach me that! - Absolutely not.
You're gonna do a dance that says something.
Phones up.
What you got? How about "Call me maybe"? Perfect.
A song that says, "I'm just a girl waiting for another guy to call meMaybe.
" Taylor Swift? Justin Bieber? You're killing me.
I'll solve your music issue later.
Show me your best moves.
You make me feel so special you make me feel like meonsose, you do uh-huh, yeah every time you're near me yeah, uh-huh, oh Okay, so the opposite of that.
You look great, babe.
- You sure you don't want me to come? - Nah, just stay home with the kids.
I'm feeling enough pressure.
Hey, come on, listen.
I want you to enjoy this.
This is your favorite show, and you're gonna be on it, huh? How cool is that? Is this really stupid? Baby, the only stupid thing you've ever done was marry me.
Aw, handsome and sweet.
Marty, do not waste your whole day on that game.
I sure won't, babe.
Where are you, Raithra? Two minutes, everyone.
Two minutes.
Debbie, do the introduction for me again, exactly as I told you.
Hello, sharks.
I am Debbie Weaver.
I was hoping that you would take a shark bite out of my business.
Oh, no.
You get progressively worse with every try.
You're like M.
Night Shyamalan.
Husband! You're streamrolling Debbie and taking everything over like you do with me.
I'm Debbie Weaver.
That sounds normal, right, sharks? - I don't know what you're talking about.
- You.
Debbie Weaver, sharks.
Debbie Debbie Weaver.
This! I have half a mind to go out there and make sure that you let Debbie speak.
Oh, my God.
That is so weird.
I have a horrible name! Oh, you want to go on "Shark Tank," also? Fine.
I don't care.
Look, the only reason I'm here is so I can become a shark.
Who would name me that? "Debbie" uhh! "Debbie.
" You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me.
I made the purse, and I came up with the dialysis/tornado backstory.
Oh, my God! I am going on national television with these people to sell a wine purse.
What the hell was I thinking? Okay, guys, you're on.
I'm Debbie Weaver! - See? Now you've made her nervous.
- All right.
Come on.
I'm Debbie Weaver! - For the ninth time - My name is Debbie Weaver.
I don't know these people.
I didn't know you wanted to go on the show.
- That is because you're always talking.
- My name is Debbie Weaver.
- No.
If you had told that to me, I might have answered.
My name is Debbie Weaver.
My name is Debbie weav.
You just assumed that I My name You know, I know this can be confusing, but when that door opens, you're supposed to walk through it.
And walk through it we shall.
Hello, sharks.
I'm Webbie Deaver.
No, wait.
I'm out.
Uh, sharks Yes, Webbie, say something.
Oh, yeah, I was nervous back there.
My name is actually Webbie.
Oh, God.
Enough.
I have a product today that will revolutionize all things A purse meets wine.
Behold the wurse.
- What? - When did we change the name to the wurse? No, it's not the wurse.
It's the bev bag.
This is going great, guys.
I ask you, sharks, how many times have you tried to sneak a drink into a movie theater only to get caught? Well, with the wurse, you can put the wine in the lining and no one will be any the wiser.
All right, sharks.
Commence fighting over me.
The wurse, huh? - And it helps sneak drinks into a movie theater? - Exactly.
You do know I own a chain of movie theaters, right? Ooh.
I beg your pardon? And you do realize that the number-one profit center in a movie theater is the concessions, right? Ooh.
So now you're asking me to invest in a company that takes money away from my other companies? Th that would be absurd.
Well, answer him, Webbie.
He's talking to you.
I mean, you come into our tank with something that's just not thought through.
I don't know about you guys, but I'm out.
What the hell is going on? Oh.
No.
No, come on.
Don't kill me.
No, don't kill me.
No.
No! No! Damn you, Raithra! Die! Whoo! Raithra? Lord Varquad? So, my number-one enemy was right next door this whole time, huh? It's like something out of "Homeland" but without all the Claire Danes histrionics.
And you had no idea it was me you were killing again and again and again? No, in fact, it was so easy, I thought I was killing some sort of learning-disabled toddler.
I guess I could kiss my dream of clearing this game goodbye.
Unless we stopped fighting each other and worked as a team and see if we can clear the entire game.
Well, that would be sort of cheating, Dick.
But "sort of cheating" is my middle name.
Marty "sort of cheating" Weaver? Suddenly, my middle name ain't so bad.
Why? What's your middle name? Beef.
You're really good.
I'm never gonna remember all the steps.
What am I doing?! Abby, I'd like to make you feel better, but, honestly, you're one girl trying to win a team-dance competition with a feminist assault on the princess myth we made up a few hours ago.
It could go either way.
Come on.
You're up.
- Okay.
All right.
- You know what? Stop.
Just stop.
I couldn't have said it better.
"Stop.
" We hate your idea, and we're all out.
Okay, Larry, knock it off.
Not about you.
This is my dream.
It's really amazing that you still have a dream, soldier, after everything you've been through.
A hurricane, tornado, dialysis machine.
- Simply amazing.
Jackie:- Indeed.
So, sharks, won't you open your hearts and buy this resilient soldier's product? I'm not a soldier.
And I have not survived a myriad of diseases and natural disasters.
Uh, Jackie's my best friend, and she was just trying to help me make this happen.
Sharks, can we agree that this is the weirdest pitch we've ever seen? - Ridiculous.
- Robert, this is dumber than - the solar-powered roller skates.
- Oh, yeah.
It's worse.
Look, I, um I'm just a regular stay-at-home mom, and I took myself out of the workforce 15 years ago, and today was gonna be my way back in.
But then I brought a crazy man with me, because sometimes I don't have the confidence to do it alone.
- I'm gonna make you an offer.
- Are you out of your mind? Are you crazy? Not at all.
I'm going to make you an offer.
It's a terrible idea, and you did a horrific job presenting here today.
What I see in you is a mom trying to return to the workforce, and I respect you for that.
So I'm going to give you a terrific offer.
I'm gonna give you my advice.
Okay.
I think you ought to go to business school, learn some skills, and get a little confidence under your belt.
When you graduate from school, I want to meet with you personally.
I'm gonna give you my number, and together, we're gonna figure out the right business for you.
- Really?! - Yes, really.
- I'm gonna make you so rich! - Don't worry about that.
I'm already rich.
Tale as old as time True as it can be barely even friends than somebody bends unexpectedly both a little scared neither one prepared beauty and the beast Let me see.
I am so proud of you, baby.
Wait a minute.
Wasn't I supposed to take you to this? Amber took care of it.
Amber, hey.
If your mother asks, I drove you.
We're back! There she is my business-school superstar.
Come here.
I know.
Right? Oh, Barbara was so sweet to me.
Tell me everything.
Yes, Larry, why don't you tell them everything, as usual? Fine.
I'm an unemployed waste of space, and you're the only reason we got that far.
I should have listened to you more.
- Then why do you always cut me off?! - Because I'm sorry.
With all my bluster, the sharks didn't want me.
Oh, but someone will.
You'll find your job, and until then, I'll make the money.
I've got your back.
My Oprah.
Oh, my Gayle.
Oh, sweet.
I'm gonna go burn something.
So, it's Sunday night.
Yep.
And we go back to ignoring each other.
And you're sure we can't, you know, do other stuff? Here's the thing.
You're 7.
I'm 16.
Those are big years.
But before you know it, you're gonna be in college, and I'm gonna be in San Francisco running a small independent bookstore, in a serious but not claustrophobic relationship.
Then you're gonna come visit me, I'm gonna get you drunk for the first time, and then I'm gonna get really mad at you when you throw up all over my brand-new restoration hardware couch, which my gay best friend will help me clean.
That sounds so totally awesome! I'm so lucky to have you as a sister.
Abby, you got to take it down a notch, okay? Just be.
Right.
Sorry.
You're a cool kid, Abby Weaver.
When all is said and done, you might just wind up being the coolest Weaver of us all.
Cool? Cool.
Whatever.
Catch you in a decade.
I'm just gonna show you how it works.
This is the straw, so it just pops right out.
Could I get a chair here, please? Someone? Shark chair? And then you just suck it up like that.
Chihuahua! Caramba! This is a terrible idea.
What an idiotic dream.
You look like you're on a breathing machine.
Oh, Barbara.
That's an ugly-looking bag.
- How many have you sold? - Zero.
Oh.
Well, that's well-made.
- Oh, my God.
This sucks.
- How does it work? We could work on that part.
You know what? I'm coming back in so I can go out again.
And you ought to get the hell out of here.
- Larry! - Me? What Come on.