The Ranch (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Okay! - Got you some snacks and sandwiches.
- Okay.
Got a bottle of champagne for Abby from me and a six-pack for tailgating.
What, no beer for the road? I'm kidding.
I'll grab some from the liquor store on the way out of town.
You know there's a snowstorm coming.
Oh, don't worry, I'm gonna drive real fast.
Did I just invent NASCAR in the snow? Where you heading? Oh, taking Abby on a little surprise trip for her birthday.
Don't you wanna know what the surprise is? Honestly, I regret asking the first question.
She's like maple bacon.
Sweet but salty.
- Hey, Ma! - Hey, honey! Hey, can I get a couple beers? - Sure, sweetie.
- Hey! Oh, relax, they're expired anyway.
How'd it go at work? Glad you got all that work done? Yeah, it went fine.
I'm happy I could help.
You don't have to thank me.
I'm a 32, 34 in Wranglers.
You just do with that information what you will.
- Fuck you, Clint! - Okay, let's just calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down! Oh, shit, we got a Walmart breakup.
What are you talking about? Oh, it's a drinking game for when white trash couples fight in public.
One drink if she cusses, two if she slaps him.
And you gotta chug your whole beer if she throws a drink in his face.
I'm so glad you guys are finding new and creative ways to drink.
We're innovators, Ma.
You're bullshit.
All right, I gotta go.
What? We're just getting ready to do something real stupid.
Sorry, dude, booty call.
I'll tell Abby you say "what up?" I'm done with this! And you.
Oh, shit, she gonna throw the drink.
No, Hank, the game is you only chug if she throws a drink in his face.
What game? - Whoa! Hey, Ed.
- Hey, Rooster.
I was hoping we could meet inside so I could grab a beer.
- Way ahead of you, amigo.
- Oh, thank you.
Look, I appreciate you meeting me.
- I assume you heard I got fired, yeah? - Yeah.
Look, Ed I need your help, all right? Any way you can call Neumann's Hill and try and get me my job back? Look, man, I'll do anything, okay? I'll even go to that meeting, you know, with the with the The one led by the hot chick with the with the big rack.
The sexual harassment seminar? Yeah, man, that one! Rooster, I'd love to help you, but I can't.
But you're the one who hired me there.
I mean, they're obviously gonna listen to you.
Rooster, you tried to expense a night at a strip club.
That was a team-building exercise! Rooster, you know I think the world of you, but there's nothing I can do.
All right, I understand.
You'll land on your feet.
- Yes, I will.
All right.
- Thanks, Ed.
I'm gonna need these.
- Hey, Beau.
How are you? - Hey, Joanne.
Good.
It's good to see you.
What brings you by? Well, I'm on my way back from the airport and I thought I'd bring back your binoculars 'cause I know they're like a third son to you.
Third? If the house was on fire, this is the son I'd carry out.
- How was your Disney cruise? - Oh, it was great.
They have a waterslide and five pools.
And every night, they seat you at a different table so you get to meet all kinds of new people.
And your reward at the end of this rainbow of fun is being dropped off in Mexico? And brought you a little gift.
Mickey Mouse ears with "Grumpy" on it! Grumpy? I don't get it.
I tried to get them to make me one for Colt, but they wouldn't put "Shithead" on it.
Hey, the storm's settling in.
You're welcome to come in for a drink till it lets up.
If I come in, I'm gonna talk to you.
That's fine.
I'm all ears.
Is it much further? 'Cause it's really starting to come down.
Yeah, we'll be fine.
We have four-wheel drive, tire chains one of our seat belts works.
Well, I packed a bag so hopefully, we're staying at a hotel somewhere.
I didn't say it was a hotel.
Well, it fucking better be! Well, it fucking better is! Oh, my God.
Wait, is it that new hotel and spa in Aspen? Linda wanted to have her wedding there but she couldn't afford it.
Suck it, Linda! No, it's not that.
I was gonna wait till we got there, but here, grab the wheel.
Colt, what the hell? Ah, ta-da! Champagne! Yeah, it's your birthday and I know how much you love champagne.
"Dear Abby, don't let Colt tell you this is from him.
Happy birthday.
Maggie.
" Probably should have read that first, huh? That's not the important part.
- Open the envelope.
- All right.
Are you kidding me? - Garth fucking Brooks? - Yeah! Oh, my God, I love you so much! - All right, whoa! - Yes! That's a little too much love.
This is the best birthday gift ever.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
You've put up with a lot lately so I wanted to do something special for you.
I called in a little favor and got a couple tickets.
Oh, uh, if anybody asks, you've got two weeks to live.
- Hey.
- Oh, my God! Must be two feet of snow out there already.
Had to tie my bra to the antenna so I could find my car in the morning.
Smart.
Oh, hold on.
I just told you I wasn't wearing a bra, you didn't ask to motorboat me? You feeling okay? Just a long, shit day.
Sorry.
To you and your boobs.
What's going on? - I got fired.
- What? Seriously? Is this because you were in jail? Honey, everybody goes to jail.
They can't fire you for that.
Shit, I would've been fired three, four times this year already.
What happened? Just don't want to play their stupid corporate games, you know? Don't matter.
I'll find something better.
No, I know you will.
You wanna talk about it? Not much to talk about.
Did I mention I got fired? There you go, you're up to date.
Have you told your family? I just said I didn't want to talk about it.
Honey, I'm just trying to help you.
- Well, I don't need your help.
- Oh, yeah, no, you're right.
Unemployed guy living in his mom's hunting cabin, eating a dented can of spaghetti rings.
No, you don't need my help.
Nope.
First of all, I dented that myself, okay? You save 25 cents.
Secondly, I'm doing fine.
Well, I could I could put in a word for you at the Cracker Barrel.
Okay.
What the fuck does that mean? I'm not gonna work at the Cracker Barrel.
Oh, why? 'Cause why, you're too good for the Cracker Barrel? Well, how do I put this? Um, yeah.
Oh, but it's okay for me? No.
Yeah.
I don't know.
You like it there.
Oh, yeah.
You know what else I like? I like having a job, Rooster.
Go fuck yourself.
Shit! Holy shit! Oh, my God! That scared the crap out of me.
My God, this is the last thing I need.
Jesus! Fucking It's freezing! Okay, guys I think I'm gonna have to shut it down 'cause of the storm, so this is last call.
So it's time we get you home.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
Aw, that's sweet.
He was talking to the beer.
We're closing up, so, anything else? Uh a club soda and lime, please.
Trying to sober up? - For the last 15 years and four months.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I'm one of those.
- Hey, no judgment from me.
I got two sons who are in denial about being those.
I like your dream catcher.
- What? - Your dream catcher.
Wow.
I put that here the day I took over this bar.
You're the first person who's ever noticed it.
Well, most people are probably looking at the booze and I'm trying to look anywhere else.
Doesn't look like something you picked up at the ampm.
No.
My grandmother gave it to me when I was a kid.
She was quarter Chippewa.
No kidding.
- My grandfather was half Cherokee.
- Hmm.
But all he ever gave me was a predisposition for high cholesterol.
I'm Maggie.
Clint.
It's nice to meet you.
You must be Maggie of the sign outside.
Although, currently it says "aggie's.
" Ah, yeah, you should have been here the time I lost the "tails" out of my "cocktails" sign.
- Wow, that must've been fun.
- Oh, yeah.
Whole new clientele that week.
Anyway, it's none of my business, but your friend seemed pretty pissed off earlier.
Yeah.
Well - I'm a musician - Oh, got it.
You think your friend is coming back? Nope.
She just sent me a video of her throwing all my clothes out her car window.
You never really know how much denim you wear until you see it spread out all along the side of a highway.
So, she didn't leave you, she did you a favor.
I don't blame her.
Life on the road's not for everyone.
Waking up every morning in a new city.
Everyone you meet is a stranger.
You never get to see your family.
I'm waiting for the bad part.
So, a musician You any good? Well, the Barstow Daily News once called me "Surprisingly decent before he fell off the stage.
" I'd play you something, but I think my guitar is in a snowbank somewhere on the way to Denver.
Yeah, well, how about this? You could use that one.
If you play me something while I'm closing up, all your soda waters are on the house.
Good, 'cause my wallet's in my ex's car.
Okay, but any tips you get, we split.
Is that a guitar? I don't know and I don't care.
We haven't moved in, like, an hour.
I've been staring at the same stupid billboard the whole time.
- It ain't been that long.
- Oh, no? "Accidentes autovilisticos? "Consulta gratis.
"Telefonear ocho-ocho-ocho, ocho-ocho-ocho, ocho-ocho-seis.
" Idiots.
Put the question mark upside-down.
We'll be there soon.
Before you know it, we'll be arm-in-arm with complete strangers singing "Friends in Low Places.
" Drinking our $14 Bud Lights.
And the $14 Bud Lights of the guys next to us.
"Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought those were ours.
We" "It's all good, man.
Garth Brooks.
Woo-hoo!" Waze says it's gonna take six hours to get to Denver.
Waze changes all the time.
Yup.
Now it says seven hours.
We'll take a different route.
The traffic is backed up both ways.
We're not gonna make the concert.
Let's just pull off.
What? No.
Well, look, there's a Duke's Smokehouse like a half a mile from here.
Johnny G.
on Yelp says "I've had worse.
" No.
We're not giving up! We're going to this concert.
We're gonna buy a $40 ill-fitting T-shirt that we're never gonna wear.
We're gonna have fucking fun.
Best birthday ever.
Oh, that really helps.
I'm sorry, I love being stuck in this snowstorm in this fucking truck.
Garth Brooks! Whoo-hoo! Really? What? You're gonna do that in here? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.
Maybe that huge wad of tobacco in your mouth that makes you spit every ten seconds got in the way.
You really need to spit, don't you? Nope.
Wow.
You somehow made it more disgusting.
Well, at least I ain't gotta breathe it in.
Mmm-hmm.
Stop it! I'm blowin' it out the window! Roll your window up, Colt! - Put out your cigarette out.
- My God.
You're making me miserable on my birthday.
No, you're making you miserable on your birthday.
You're giving me fucking emphysema! Thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome.
All right, fine.
How far is the restaurant? It's right there.
You can see the sign.
Waze says we'll be there in 45 minutes.
But I ain't lonely, babe I ain't lonely, baby I ain't lonely, babe Tonight All right, I only have one question.
Why the hell aren't you famous? Came in second on Star Search one year.
Would have come in first but Ooh! Twelve-year-old can juggle.
I had my chance.
I got a record deal, went on tour with Willie Nelson.
- Wow, really? That sounds incredible.
- It was.
Until Willie kicked me off for doing too many drugs.
Yeah, when Willie Nelson says "slow down," that should tell you something.
Yeah, I burned a few bridges.
And a couple of motel rooms.
And one recording studio.
Who leaves a drunk man alone in a room with a lava lamp? I almost burned down my dorm room at college.
Actually, I fell asleep while holding a joint but I was staring right at a lava lamp.
Weed and lava lamps, that was the Ambien of the '70s.
Anyway now I'm perfectly happy with club soda and a life on the road.
So what's your favorite place you've been? Well, I'd say either Paris, France, or Elko, Nevada.
Really? Yeah, there's a little diner there that serves great enchiladas.
Elko's nice too.
Elko's actually the first place I ever got the courage to get on stage sober.
I needed to play more than I needed the booze.
I traded one addiction for another, I guess.
Yeah.
Uh, when I quit smoking, I started collecting Beanie Babies.
So, what's your story? I grew up in Scottsbluff, Nebraska.
Yeah, my father worked in the sugar factory there.
He always called it "a pretty sweet job.
" He wasn't funny, but he was a good dad.
And then I went to the University of Nebraska.
- What'd you major in, corn? - Oh, look, you're not funny either.
Well, then between my sophomore and junior year, I decided it'd be fun to hitchhike across the country.
I wanted to visit every state.
But I only made it to one.
I met this cowboy named Beau and I spent the best summer of my life there.
He taught me how to ranch and shoot guns.
I taught him how to dance and shoot tequila.
- You know what they say about tequila.
- What? I can't remember.
Too much tequila.
So how'd you end up here? Finished college and then I married that cowboy, had a couple of boys, bought this bar divorced that cowboy, now I'm trying to sell the bar.
Hey, you wouldn't wanna add a bar to the list of things you burned down, would you? That's cute, you think I haven't burned down a bar.
Why don't I play you another song? What's your favorite? "Angel from Montgomery" by John Prine.
Well, you got good taste.
I could talk to you all night long.
You don't have a place to stay, do you? No, I do not.
Well, if you wanna crash in the bar, I got some spare blankets out in my Airstream.
Really? You don't mind? No.
It's the least I could do for a free concert.
I appreciate this, Maggie.
Yeah it's my pleasure.
You're an interesting guy, Clint.
Hey, if you hear a weird noise in the night, it's either a raccoon trying to get in the Dumpster or Hank trying to get back in the bar.
Either way, just shine a light in their eyes, they'll run off.
So, it's day two of my cruise and my granddaughter has not looked up from her phone once.
What is she even doing on that thing? - She's six! - Jesus.
So, I said, "Honey.
Honey, look, there's Elsa from Frozen!" And she turned to look, and I grabbed her cell phone and I threw it overboard.
And after that, we had the best time.
Unfortunately, it was her mom's phone.
I hate cell phones.
I liked it better when if you needed to get a hold of somebody, you just shot up a flare.
Okay, enough about me and my trip.
This always happens.
I come over here and I hog the conversation.
You tell a story, Beau.
Okay.
Uh, let's see I was at the feedstore the other day to get some baling twine.
They always keep it on aisle three, 'bout chest high but it wasn't there.
So I go up to the counter and ask Glenn.
He says, "We're out.
We'll have some more on Tuesday.
" So I gotta go back on Tuesday.
Wow, I got to call you on Wednesday so I can get the thrilling conclusion.
Man, this storm is not letting up.
Mmm.
Well, I guess we'll just have to keep drinkin'.
Mmm.
I knew I liked you.
- I'm glad you came over, Joanne.
- Me too.
I missed you, Beau.
All right, you did it.
You ruined it.
- I gotta get that.
- Mmm.
If that’s one of my boys, I'm gonna kill him.
Hey, Beau.
Sorry to bother you.
- Can I come in? - Sure.
Mary? Hey, Joanne, what are you doing here? Oh, my God.
No, it's not like that.
We're I just came to return his binoculars.
Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days? Well, I'm I'm sorry if I interrupted something, but, um, I just went over to Rooster's to return his binoculars and, um, we got in this big fight, and then a tree came crashing through the window and knocked the power out.
- What? - Are you okay? - Where's where's Rooster? - No, I'm fine.
But he is over there, sitting in the dark, freezing his balls off 'cause he doesn't think he's welcome here with you.
He's smarter than I thought.
Go get him, Beau.
If he gets cold enough, he'll shoot up a flare.
Please.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
Oh, and it's, uh it's cold out there, so don't forget your hat.
This is not how I want to be found dead.
Should've read the rest of Johnny G.
's Yelp review.
"I've had worse, but only in prison.
" I'm sorry.
Nah, it's all right.
Fries aren't bad.
No, it's nine o'clock.
We should be sitting front row at Garth Brooks right now, listening to him sing "The Storm.
" Front row? I saw the tickets, Colt.
Front row of the balcony.
That's even better.
You gotta puke, it's only a problem for the rich guy sittin' below you.
I'm bummed out too, but it's not your fault we got stuck.
- Are you gonna leave me? - What? What are you talking about? It's always somethin' with us.
You and Kenny, right? Me and Heather.
Your parents hatin' me.
A blizzard on your birthday.
Not the good kind with Oreos.
Okay, where is this coming from? I don't know.
I'm afraid one day you're gonna wake up and be like, "Why am I with Colt Bennett?" I wake up like that every day.
I'm serious.
Why are you with me? Really? Colt you're the sweetest, most romantic person I've ever met.
Hey, do you know what Kenny did for my birthday every year? We'd go to Applebee's and get two appetizers, two entrées and two desserts.
Say what you want, but the Two-Two-Two for $22? That's just a good deal.
You always surprise me.
You wrote "Colt Loves Abby" on the water tower.
Okay, you you hide McGriddles in my desk at school so I can find them in the morning.
Sure, sometimes I don't check my desk for a week or two and the janitor has to get rid of it with gloves but I appreciate the gesture.
You make life exciting.
Why can't we have fun? Remember how easy it used to be? We'd just, like, ditch school and go tubin'.
Or ditch school and go fishing.
Or ditch school and go - How'd I graduate? - I did all your homework.
We were 17.
It's different now.
We're older.
We have responsibilities.
That doesn't mean we still can't have fun.
That's another thing I love about you, you're the most fun person I have ever met.
I think what you mean is I'm the "funnest" person you've ever met.
You see? Your whimsical disregard for the rules of grammar amuses me.
It's all how you look at things.
There is nothing stopping us from being happy right this second.
- You're saying get drunk? - Yes, I am.
You should've trimmed those trees last fall when I told you to.
Yeah.
It's not Mother Nature's fault, it's mine.
What you doing here? You can come down and stay at the house tonight if you want.
No, thanks.
I'm fine.
- All right.
I tried.
- Good to see you too, Dad.
Things okay over at your ranch? You get your calves in before the storm? Yeah.
I tucked 'em in, read 'em a nursery rhyme.
I don't do that one about the cow jumping over the moon, though.
You know, I don't want to give 'em any ideas.
You got someone there to break the ice off the tanks? Jesus, Dad.
Well, you're gonna hear about it anyway.
I got fired.
- What did you do? - What makes you think it's my fault? Well, I bailed you out of jail, now you're fired? Just got They got all these rules, you know, and paperwork.
Make it so fucking complicated.
I mean, ranching is not rocket science.
Birth a cow, raise a cow, kill a cow.
Repeat.
You shouldn't have left here before you were ready.
Yeah, you told me a million times.
It's called parenting.
Birth a son, raise a son, tell a son when he's wrong.
Repeat.
Whatever.
So what are you gonna do? You gonna come back here and work? I'm gonna come back here and be your number two? Technically, it's number three.
Colt got bumped up when you left.
That's what I need, Dad, come back here and have you tell me how to run a ranch.
If you knew how, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Then maybe we should stop having this conversation.
It's fine by me.
Found one of my boys' sleeping bags.
Hello? Shit.
Are you kidding me? - You having fun yet? - Oh, yeah.
Guy in the urinal next to me pissed all over my boots.
I'm having a great time.
Got a special request for this next song.
This one goes out to Colt Bennett.
Well, that's funny.
There must be two Colt Bennetts here.
I get it.
Garth Brooks.
- I see what you're doing here.
- Do ya? Blame it all on my roots I showed up in boots Ruined your black tie affair The last one to know The last one to show I was the last one you thought you'd see there And I saw the surprise and the fear in his eyes When I took his glass of champagne I toasted you said, "Honey, we may be through" But you'll never hear me complain 'Cause I got friends in low places Where the whiskey drowns And the beer chases my blues away Whoo! Yeah! And I'll be okay Come on, y'all, sing along! I'm not big on social graces Think I'll slip on down to the oasis Oh, I got friends In low places I got friends in low places Where the whiskey drowns And the beer chases my blues away - And I'll be okay - Whoo! Yeah, I'm not big on social graces Think I'll slip on down to the oasis Oh, I got friends In low places I got friends in low places Where the whiskey drowns And the beer chases my blues away And I'll be okay Yeah, I'm not big on social graces Think I'll slip on down to the oasis Oh, I got friends in low places