The Real O'Neals (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Morning.
Another weigh-in for wrestling? Yep.
- What are you doing? - [Grunts.]
We're down a wrestler.
Scotty Butler, our 125, got mono from his sister, so, we need a sub, otherwise we have to forfeit the match.
And, just as I suspected, you are 125 on the dot.
Okay, first of all, it's not gonna happen.
Second of all, I'm still stuck on the mono thing.
- Did he kiss his sister? - Come on, Kenny.
I'm undefeated this year.
If we forfeit this match, then I don't get to go to finals.
Jimmy, I would love to help you, but I am not a wrestler.
Uh, yes, you are.
Don't you remember when we were kids, I trapped you and held you down, and I threatened to spit on your face? That's wrestling.
Okay, well, as appealing as you make it sound, I'm still not interested.
Okay, fine.
I'm calling in the favor you owe me.
I thought it was gonna be you giving me your liver when I use mine up in college.
I don't owe you a favor.
Three words, Kenny "West Side Story" sing-along.
Fine.
I'll do it.
But, don't pretend that you didn't love every second of that movie.
- I didn't.
- Oh? Yeah? So you didn't feel anything when Tony died in Maria's arms? - No.
- Okay.
How about when they first met? You mean the first time they saw each other at the dance? And everyone else was out of focus for some reason, and they realized they loved each other? [Voice breaking.]
In an instant? Yeah, of course I felt it, Kenny.
[Voice breaking.]
How could you not? It's so beautiful.
Their love was doomed from the overture.
- [Normal voice.]
Maria.
- [Normal voice.]
Tony.
[Both snap fingers.]
God, I wish I didn't live with girls.
Hey, I got your text.
What's the emergency.
[Groans.]
I'm going on a business trip with Clive and I need you to get down the big suitcase.
That's not an emergency.
And, by business, do you mean like, the business business? - No, I'm getting my own room.
- [Laughs.]
Besides, it's just a Vice Principal's conference.
Oh, so no one's getting laid, then.
[Scoffs.]
I can't believe it.
I haven't stayed in a hotel in, what, five years? I'm gonna take a bath and a shower at the same time.
It'll be a perfect storm of luxury.
I can't believe it's been that long since we went to the shore.
[Scoffs.]
Gosh.
Remember, you were so obsessed with collecting those rocks.
- [Chuckling.]
Oh, yeah.
- [Laughs.]
Did you ever do anything with them? No, I never found them when we got home.
[Crashes.]
I think I found them.
And I just threw out my back.
[Groans.]
- Don't touch me! - Aah! Great.
I need it by Friday.
- Ethan.
- Shannon.
I have a great idea for an article in the paper.
You've already pitched "Behind The Mascot: "Who Really Is The Saint Barklay's Bulldog?" I'm convinced it's Joyce the lunch lady.
We've never seen them in the same room together.
But what I really want to write is a scathing piece on the most antiquated, sexist organization at this school Mat Maids.
Yeah, why do wrestlers get their own cheerleaders? My mathlete team gets zero support and several wedgies.
Which is why I am going to infiltrate them and take them down from the inside.
- I love you.
- What? I mean, I love your idea.
Fitzgerald, where is that political cartoon? [Crowd cheers, marching band plays.]
- [Grunts.]
- 2! Take-down, red.
I changed my mind.
You can have my liver.
I don't want to do this.
It looks really painful.
It's only painful if you resist.
Remember, you're not trying to win, so just go limp you know, like when you're falling off a building.
Jimmy, no one knows how that feels because those people are dead.
All right, little O'Neal, you're up after this match.
But, remember, it's like being mauled by a bear.
Don't resist, and you'll be fine.
Again, so incorrect, but I'll do it.
I just need a second.
I'm gonna go splash some water on my face backstage.
That's gay for "locker room".
He also calls "halftime," "intermission".
[Water runs.]
Man: Towel? Oh, my God.
Gus Kenworthy and Robbie Rogers? You guys are, like, my favorite professional athletes.
What are you guys doing here? We're here to cheer on Saint Barklay's first out gay athlete.
Well, look at me.
I'm not a wrestler.
I'm the gay kid.
Whoa.
You can be both.
I mean, being gay has never stopped me from strapping on skis and dropping into a half-pipe.
And, it didn't stop me from becoming one of the first openly-gay athletes in major-league sports.
- Humble brag, Robbie.
- I have an MLS Cup.
Nobody knows what that is.
I have a silver medal from the Olympics.
- Oh, were they out of gold that day? - [Laughs.]
Okay, gay athletes, stop fighting.
I mean, have you seen them out there? Even if I go limp, I-I-I'm gonna die in front of the entire school.
That's why you have to try.
- Don't be a cliché.
- Mm.
What have you really got to lose? Well, my vision, several teeth, my short-term memory.
People can lead very full lives without teeth.
Yeah Gus: Make us proud.
[Water running.]
Mm.
Nope.
This is a horrible indictment of myself, but this bed still smells like me.
Trust me.
I've tried everything.
[Grunts.]
Okay, you're all set.
You've got a bucket there by the bed.
I don't have to throw up.
That's in case you need to pee.
Kids'll be home in seven hours.
- Clive: Knockity-knock-knock.
- There's Clive.
Got to go.
But, wait, I'm still hurting.
I am not giving up my Courtyard by Marriott because of your weak lower back.
Clive: Everything all right in there? - Permission to enter? - Hey.
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing in Eileen's bed? Have have you guys made up? Are you back together? I-I-I'm just kidding.
But, seriously, you can tell me.
He's fine.
He just threw out his back.
Oh, buddy.
Poor thing.
What can I get for you? What-what-what can I do? Well, he's got a bucket.
What else does he need? Tender, loving care and a constant companion.
We can't go on our trip.
Eileen, Sheboygan will have to wait.
Well, but, what about your Vice Principal's conference? I mean, you're the understudy for the keynote speaker.
Oh, my understudy will understudy.
Wait you weren't planning on leaving Pat here alone, were you? [Chuckling.]
What? [Chuckles nervously.]
Wait, you really gave him a bucket? I was gonna put soup in it.
Um, it's the Irish way, you see.
That's why we call dying "kicking the bucket," you see? Because you run out of soup, so you I'm gonna go to the store and get you some homemade soup.
Diaz: Come on, get him, Kenny.
Let's do this.
Shake hands.
Hi.
Kenny: I don't know if I can do this.
This guy looks like he's all muscle and no mercy.
I'm just gonna take the fall.
[Yelps.]
Damn you, gay athletes.
You filled me with athletic ambition.
I want to win this.
How am I gonna do that? - What is he doing? - I know this.
I know these moves.
It's it's "West Side Story.
" It's Riff and Bernardo at the rumble.
Do it for the Jets, Kenny! - Referee: 2, takedown.
3.
- Oh! 2, reversal red.
[Whistle blows.]
- Whoo! - Diaz: Yeah, Kenny.
[All cheering.]
Bulldogs.
Is it done? Did I do it? Did I win? - Yeah.
- You did it.
You're done.
You won.
- I won? - You won! [Laughing.]
What? [Crowd cheering.]
Okay, pal, the safest way to set you down is to pull you down on top of me, and then I'm gonna squirm out from under.
Wait, that's the safest way? - [Grunts.]
- [Moans.]
Dad? You're never gonna believe this.
Kenny won his wrestling match.
He's a natural.
I was supposed to go limp, but I didn't.
I didn't go limp.
- Good, buddy.
- Yeah, that's amazing.
Oh, by the way, that thing digging into your leg - is my phone.
- Okay.
- Should we ask about this? - No, let's leave it a mystery.
Boys, I threw out my back.
Otherwise, I'd be jumping up and down with you, hugging you right now.
Kenny, way to go, man.
I didn't even know you were on the wrestling team.
I'm not, but it felt good.
I mean, I've never felt this rush before.
I guess this is why people play the sports.
But, maybe I should just you know, maybe I should join the team.
Yeah, well, you should definitely join.
It's kind of late in the the season.
You'd be more of a sub, but yeah but, yeah, sure.
I'm an athlete.
I'm an athlete.
[Chuckles.]
Less so when you do that, but yeah, you go get them, champ.
You know what? Get me up.
I want to hug my sons.
All right, but there's only one way to do it.
[Groans.]
Take my hands.
Don't be scared.
- This doesn't feel right.
- [Grunts.]
- [Bell rings.]
- Oh, God, I'm gonna be late for class.
Do you think I could use the jock card to, you know, get the teacher to go easy on me? Okay, hold up, hold up.
It takes a long time to earn that.
I have it because I'm undefeated.
- You won one match.
- [Girls giggling.]
Oh, okay, here come the Mat Maids.
Uh, they're cheerleaders who, out of the goodness of their hearts, leave us gifts in our lockers.
I get Chloe Perrente, emphasis on the Perrentes.
I feel like you could do that with any name.
Oh, no, I can.
O'Neals.
Ew.
Hey, Jimmy.
Hey, Chloe.
I take it that's for me.
- Actually, it's for Kenny.
- What? We drew straws, and I won the chance to be paired with - Saint Barklay's first gay wrestler.
- [Girls giggling.]
Oh, thank you.
But but, you're mine.
The Perrentes were mine.
Who who do I get? Hello, James.
Jimmy: You? I get the O'Neals.
Oh, my God.
You have boobs.
Boobs are ruined.
Boobs are ruined forever.
See you, Kenny.
[Giggles.]
Since when are you a Mat Maid? Since when are you a wrestler? Touché.
Ta-da! Here is the bathing suit I promised you.
Clive's gonna love it.
I said I wanted a one piece.
Technically, it is.
It's called a monokini.
It's extremely unforgiving.
Well, I don't need it, because we had to cancel the trip.
Oh, no.
What happened? Pat threw his back out, and now Clive wants to stay home and take care of him.
It's a horrible color on both of them.
Watch it.
Coming through.
Excuse me.
Oh, Eileen, how are you? What is all this? Oh, it's got crosswords, beef jerky, Mad Libs, Anjou pears the peak of ripeness Tiger Bomb, some jasmine-scented Epsom salts.
It's just the bare-bones basics.
I should really get it to Pat.
It seems a little extreme.
I thought it wasn't enough.
They were out of his favorite saltwater taffy.
I feel like an ass.
He likes saltwater taffy? That's his favorite non-chocolate candy.
How do you not know that? Did you see that look? He's never looked at me like that before.
Was he judging me? Neither one of you is perfect.
Does he think I'm not a nurturing person? I'm a nurturing person, aren't I? Yeah.
Totally.
You took care of me after I had my appendix out.
That's right.
I did.
I mean, you made me drive you to the outlet mall.
[Scoffs.]
All right, well, obviously, I need to show Clive that I can take care of Pat.
You don't have to prove anything to me.
I scored big time with that blouse from the mall.
Although, I did ruin it when my stitches burst.
[Laughter.]
Shannon: Chloe, let's chat.
Let me start with an easy question.
Why do you think we have to wear these super-short skirts? Uh, well, I guess 'cause they're easy to move around in.
Okay, sure.
And they show off our legs, right? - Yeah, that's part of it.
- [Both giggle.]
And, I'm just curious how long should I be spending on my hair before a meet? Uh, I don't know.
- Uh, mine takes an hour.
- An hour? Like, however long it takes to get through a "This American Life" podcast.
- [Chuckles.]
What? - Oh, my God.
This morning, when I was doing my fishtail braid, there was an incredible piece on NPR about factory farming.
Riveting.
Right, girls? - Oh, totally.
- Of course.
You all listen to NPR, too? - Mm-hmm.
- Girl: Yeah.
It all comes down to GMOs.
Until we properly label our food, it's like putting a band-aid on an axe wound.
Hey, do you think I could pull off purple mascara? What is happening? Are you smart? Are you dumb? Are you insightful? Are you vapid? Who are you girls? We're fun.
And, we're fluent in five languages.
Allons-y, Mat Maids.
Sacré bleu.
- Thanks, Joyce.
- Have a great day.
Jimmy: I don't think Shannon is right.
Joyce the lunch lady could not be our mascot.
She has a bad hip.
Plus, there's no way she could do a round-off in a 40-pound suit.
Hey, you never know what people are capable of.
I mean, look at me.
I surprised the world.
It was one match.
So brave, what you're doing.
Keep wrestling for the rainbow.
- What? Pudding? - Double for wrestlers.
I've never even had a single.
I didn't even know this school had pudding.
- Play it cool.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
- Enjoy.
Don't mind him, he's just a sub.
Pudding me, Joyce.
Sorry, Jimmy, those were my last two.
But I'm about to make history as the only undefeated wrestler on the team.
I have, um, some loose mints in my apron.
All right, mint me, Joyce.
Wintergreen? Do you think I get to sit with the jocks, too? It takes a long time to be invited.
Yo, O'Neal.
Pop a squat.
I actually meant little O'Neal.
Really? - We'll catch you later, Jimmy.
- Okay.
I was wondering if you could show me that move at practice today that you did at the meet.
It's like it was happening, and then it wasn't happening.
Man, help me get in your mind.
Let me tell you a little story about a man named Joseph Hubertus Pilates.
Here's nurse Eileen.
- Oh, wow.
- How you feeling, Pat? Actually, I'm feeling a little bit better, thanks.
Oh, good.
Let me just get a pillow for your head.
- Oh, okay.
- There you go.
Oh, okay, I think that's good.
No, I want you to be nice and comfy.
- Clive: Hey, Eileen.
- No, you can never have - too many pillows.
- Ohh! I think his feet need to be higher than his head.
Then all the blood's gonna rush into his head, - you see? See? - No, you know what? - I am concerned about Pat.
- I'm a little concerned about Pat.
- Fine.
- Ohh! [Groans.]
- That's my phone.
- [Cellphone vibrates.]
[Cellphone beeps.]
You got a text.
That ponytail looks so cute on you.
You look just like Gloria Steinem when she infiltrated the Playboy mansion.
- You are fascinating, Chloe.
- Thank you.
- Shannon.
- Bye, Shannon.
I just read the latest copy of the school newspaper.
What happened to the big take down of the Mat Maids? Turns out I was stereotyping them.
They're great at discussing different colors of lip gloss and the merits of NATO.
So, you did a puff piece on your brother instead? It's not a puff piece.
He's doing something historic, something nobody at this school has ever done.
Yes, I will achieve an undefeated season.
Finally, some recognition.
It almost makes up for your locker gift, which is balls.
Sylvia Plath is many things, but she is not balls.
Also, the article isn't about you.
It's about Kenny.
"Local Gay Wrestler Puts You In A 'Heartlock'"? [Laughs.]
Oh, Stop.
Hey.
- Have you seen this? - Ugh, yeah.
The way my bangs are curling in the front, it's not great, but the piece is actually really nice.
No.
You're getting articles and and pudding and Chloe.
Why do you have to take over everything? I'm not taking over anything.
You're the one who asked me to do this.
No, I asked you to take a dive.
And now, we're headed to finals and all anybody can talk about is you.
What? Wrestling is my thing.
And you you waltz in and you win one match, and, all of a sudden, you're a hero because you're gay.
Okay, first of all, that wasn't a waltz.
It was a Jerome Robbins-inspired dance fight.
And, secondly, I'm not going to apologize for being good at a sport or for being recognized because I'm gay.
Just imagine how you would feel if I decided to be gay, and I was really good at it.
And how would you be "really good" at it? I don't know.
By, like, anticipating a guy's needs.
I think you're getting upset over nothing.
The only locker gift I got was this scrap of paper that says, "Look behind you.
" Sorry I'm late.
I had to get your new Letterman's jacket.
- Chloe.
- Chloe: [Giggles.]
Ooh.
[Laughs.]
It's just a jacket.
[Tuba plays.]
All: Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! [Tuba continues playing.]
And a tuba.
[All cheering.]
And confetti.
I'm glad you were strong enough to go to Jimmy and Kenny's meet.
Yes, me too.
But the pain meds you gave me I don't think they're really working.
Well, they're old.
I got them in 2001 after Shannon was born.
Turns out I didn't need them.
After your C-section? I come from hearty stock.
You know that.
Growing up, my mother hated weakness.
Whenever I got sick, she just put a bucket next to the bed - and let me tough it out.
- Yes, I remember her saying, "Starve a cold, ignore a fever.
" Well, it works every time.
[Scoffs.]
You see? I don't have a caretaking bone in my body.
I'm so worried I'm gonna blow it with Clive.
Can you teach me, Pat? Teach me to be soft like you.
- Eh, I can probably show you - [Horn honks tires squeals.]
Searing pain! [Horn honks.]
[Crowd cheering, marching band playing.]
Referee: Bulldogs! All: [Chanting.]
Bulldogs are great! Bulldogs, Bulldogs, Bulldogs! The Bulldogs are great! Wow.
It seems like there's a lot of tension between your brothers.
"Titus Andronicus" much? I don't totally understand that reference.
Just get it from the context clues.
One, two, three.
- All: Be aggressive, - Pat: No.
- be, be aggressive.
- It doesn't sound caring at all, okay? Now, listen, we're gonna try this again.
I'll give you the symptom, you give me the remedy.
And you can't say, "bucket.
" - Throw one at me.
- My tummy hurts.
You're a grown man.
You don't have a tummy.
And I'm sorry, but the answer for that is "bucket.
" Okay.
Uh, I have a headache.
Well, I know you want me to say, "Do you want an aspirin and a cold compress?" But what I really want to say is "Boo-hoo, walk it off.
Get on with your life.
" Well, that is what you told me to get me here.
- [Whistle blows.]
- Mm-hmm.
Diaz: All right, Kenny, you're up.
Just do your thing out there.
You got this, okay? [Cheers and applause.]
Yeah, Kenny! Shake hands.
I'd like to forfeit.
Uh, no, I'm replacing the kid with mono.
I know.
I read the article.
I don't feel comfortable wrestling someone like you.
Why? He knows why.
Bulldogs.
Eagles forfeit.
[Light cheering.]
What's going on? Why isn't Kenny wrestling? What happened? Nothing.
It doesn't matter.
Just go win and stay undefeated.
Not until you tell me.
He didn't want to wrestle me because I'm gay.
It's whatever.
I'm not surprised.
This is why I didn't want to do this in the first place.
- [Scoffs.]
That's crazy.
- No, it's not that crazy, Jimmy.
Nobody at our school really cared about me being gay, but out there, things like this happen all the time.
Okay, Jimmy, you're up.
Let's go.
[Cheers and applause.]
- I'm not wrestling.
- What? If they have a problem with you, I have a problem with them.
Come on, Jimmy.
I've taken your spotlight enough.
Go have your moment.
Oh, I will.
Hey, guys, the other team won't wrestle my brother because he's gay.
Well, it turns out that they're the ones who are gay.
- Jimmy - Not now, I'm having my moment.
I'm gonna forfeit my match.
Now, I know it seems like a small thing, but it's discrimination.
And I, for one, am not gonna stand for it.
So you guys can do whatever you want to do, but if something happens to Kenny, it happens to all of us.
If he's gay, then we are all gay.
I'm out.
Now, I'm not gay, but I'm not gonna wrestle, either.
Kenny: Cool.
Yeah, cool.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! All: Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Kenny! Hey, by the way! Don't flatter yourself.
You're not even his type.
All right, guys, come on.
We're out.
Let's go.
Come on.
What about your season? It was great.
I got to wrestle with my brother.
Okay, you smell.
Let's go.
Yeah, I know.
I am so proud of him.
You know what? They're tough because you didn't baby them.
They get their strength from you.
[Voice breaking.]
'Cause it clearly isn't me.
Clean yourself up.
- I'll meet you at the car.
- [Sniffles.]
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Jimmy.
- Whoa! - You could knock.
You're Barklay the Bulldog? Do not tell anyone.
You'd break a lot of kids' hearts if they found out it was me.
I've been leaving clues around that it's Joyce the lunch lady.
Look, I need to talk with you about something.
Could you put down the dog head.
Look, I am not the type of person who is going to sit at your bedside and wipe your brow or any other part of you, and spoon-feed you soup, and I'm not a coddler.
And if that means you can't be with me, then I understand.
But it's not who I am, and it's not who I want to be.
It's not who I want you to be, either.
I love how strong and direct you are.
It's a major turn-on.
And I would never want you to change who you are for me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, the basketball team has a game in five minutes.
You never saw me! Why am I into him? You sure you wanna do this? One last time to show you this was not a fluke.
And then, I'm hanging up my singlet until I take my first gay cruise.
All right, I finally get to see my boys wrestle.
If one of you breaks an arm, don't come crying to me.
I'm warning you, Jimmy.
The last time someone underestimated me, I - [Grunts.]
- Aah! Yeah, that's just how I thought it would go.
- Well, who's hungry? - I could eat.
- Kiss it.
- Kenny: [Weakly.]
I'm an athlete.
I'm an athlete! Mom, I need a bucket!