The Simple Life (2003) s02e07 Episode Script

What state are we in? - I don't know.
- Me either.
Well, the girls are slowly making their way across the south.
- Where are we? - I don't know.
Me either.
And even though they're lost, what they don't know is they're about to be saved.
Hallelujah, hallelujah And they may have to clean up their act a bit.
I can feel his spirit here tonight I'm J.
L.
Cash, and they say I'm 44 years old.
From what I've seen on the show, I saw them try to adapt to some of the things.
Nicole! We've seen the news.
We've read the magazines.
We believe, uh, that we can help 'em.
- They're very sweet girls.
- Yeah.
I'm being dead (bleep) serious.
I will beat your (bleep) face in.
Just they need some discipline.
Whoo! Everything I don't expect for them to be Jesus tomorrow.
I just try to help point 'em in the right direction.
It's the third house on the right.
Then we're supposed to get on our knees, close our eyes and see what happens.
- Ew.
- They need help.
Let's take two girls both filthy rich Isn't that Paris Hilton? From the bright lights into the sticks from velvet ropes to cattle pulls let's take away their limousines their credit cards and shopping sprees well, they're both spoiled rotten will they cry when they hit bottom? Heaven knows if they'll survive this simple road trip kind of life.
Where the hell are we? Let's take two girls let's take two girls both filthy rich both filthy rich if they'll survive this simple country kind of life.
Well, hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- I'm Paris.
Good to meet you.
- I'm Dr.
J.
L.
Cash.
- Hi.
Nicole.
Come on in.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm mrs.
Cash.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
Hi, mrs.
Cash.
I like your jacket.
Thank you.
This is honey child.
Well, you guys want to have a seat, 'cause I'm hoping you're hungry.
- Yeah.
- Loves it.
Father, we thank you for this food we're about to receive, and we thank you for our extended family, Paris and Nicole, being here with us.
Oh! The dog.
Okay.
Let it be a blessing to them as well as it is to us.
In Jesus' name, we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
Oh, boy.
Oh, yeah.
First things first.
We have some rules, okay.
Um, we don't speak profanity.
We don't wear halter tops, short shorts, and showing all of your stomach.
Just pitch in and help.
Mess up, clean up.
That's it.
Okay, we can eat now.
Okay, let's eat.
How old are you guys? I'm 24.
I'm 22.
I'm 21.
You guys were gettin' busy.
I'm a black folk, too.
I fit right in.
Well, both of you fit in.
It doesn't matter.
what's, like, the funniest thing on the road, or? - The nudist colony was funny.
- Yeah.
It's, like, naked people everywhere.
And some of 'em were uncircumcised, mm-hmm.
- And it was like (bleep).
- Okay.
That's a little too much information.
When you guys get a chance to just relax? We do a lot of things to relax.
I shop, I go to the movies, I do sports, go to lunch (bleep) If we can get her beyond that point of talking dirty, we might move forward to making her a nice young lady.
Thank you so much for dinner.
It's, uh, it's a little Just a little messy.
Oh, my god, What did? What did you all do? We've been living here.
But why didn't you clean up? It's mostly just clothes, 'cause we have so many clothes.
Yeah.
But you're supposed to put 'em up.
Oh.
If you don't clean tonight, where are you going to sleep? - On our bed.
- Yeah.
Just throw everything on the floor.
N-no, no, no, no, no.
We're going to clean.
- Tomorrow.
- Tonight.
Okay, ma, okay, we got it.
Come on, Nicole.
Honey.
Would you ever wear this top that, like, goes like that allthe way down? Well, where's the rest of the top? So, how do you guys fix your loneliness? You know what, Nicole? You have a lot of weird questions.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- Yes, you do.
- Stop laughing, Paris.
I'm used to this.
I've known the woman for 20 years.
You know, I don't really care for a lot of things that they say, but I like the fact that they respect our house and they respect who we are and what we do.
The only thing that I would want you all to get from everything that you see us do is how to really love your family to the fullest.
Well, like, I mean, like you guys, we're really close with our families.
And we're like family, 'cause we've known each other our whole entire lives.
We've been friends since we were 2 years old.
Like, she's like it's, like, not even when people are like, "describe your friendship," I'm like, "I can't.
it's not" it's just, like, my life is just with her in it.
That's just how I know it.
It's like you with your family.
Have you guys ever, like, been to, like, a bible study or anything like that? I don't even think it's about, like, certain religions.
Yeah.
I just think as long as you have spirituality, then you're all good.
This little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine this little light of mine I'm gonna let it shine Good morning.
Good morning.
- You guys ready? - Yeah.
- Well, the bed looks better.
- Thanks.
Nicole, now don't burn up the food.
For real.
You're going to have to start all over.
She's never cooked.
- Never? - Mm-hmm.
We're making history, ladies and gentlemen.
That's hot.
I just want to say, we You can do it, you can do it.
Don't leave me hanging.
- We're gonna do it together.
- All right.
All right, there you go.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Okay, your turn.
I'm not doing it.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Right.
Whoo! Left.
Come on, Nicole.
Looks delicious.
Thank you for breakfast.
It was scrumptious.
You're welcome.
Shouldn't we tell her thank you for breakfast? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Thank you for breakfast.
You're welcome.
Thanks, bitch.
If Nicole and Paris were my daughters, I would sit them down and talk to them about respect.
I'll fly away, fly away.
I respect you, and respect is like money-- you earn it.
And with us, you've earned a lot.
What I'd like for you to do, if you can, I want people to see you as very beautiful women, inside and out.
People meet you as celebrities or you know, and they they're happy they met you.
But I'd like to leave something in folks' lives or hearts that'll kind of go along with 'em.
And you guys got that something-something.
Oh, yeah.
Something- something.
That something-something.
Don't cover it up with the language and the other little stuff.
Yeah, Nicole.
But if you clean that part up, I think they'll see the jewel that's in there.
Is that okay? Is this a deal? Yes.
'Cause I'm gonna be watchin'.
I'm serious.
I'm gonna be watchin'.
Glory, glory, hallelujah his truth Let's make a circle over here somewhere by your vehicle.
There you go.
Father god, we thank you right now for our extended family, Paris and Nicole, being here with us.
Now we're asking you for your grace and your mercy to go with them and protect them from dangers, seen and unseen, hurt, and harm.
We bless this trip.
We bless the vehicle.
We ask it in the name of Jesus, we pray.
Amen.
Amen.
Drive carefully.
You brought us love You brought us joy Now it's time to go till we meet again, May love be with you May god always surround you Never forget the family you left back here till we meet again we're saying we love you till we meet again.
Well, it looks like the girls finally learned something.
Bye.
You guys (bleep) rock.
They learned they're never gonna change.
Well, the girls are making their way across the lone star state.
Where are we going? How far? Like, a year way, probably, 'cause everything's so (bleep) far here.
And as they roll in to round rock, they're hoping to score at their next job.
Has anybody seen these guys? The brake, the brake.
Whoa.
The brake.
Hey, just so everybody knows, they're here.
- Are you Reed? - Yes, I am.
Nice to meet you.
- How are you doing? - Good.
Hi.
Nicole.
Okay, this is, uh, the Dell Diamond.
We are the Round Rock Rxpress.
We're the Houston Astros Double A Club.
I'm the president of the club.
- You ready to go to work? - Yeah.
- Sure.
Let's go.
You guys have all the baseball terms? Um, I saw a league of their own.
Okay, there you go.
I know there's no crying in baseball.
That's right.
So, we're gonna head right down here on the field.
How many males come here, as opposed to how many females-- like, a ratio? Uh, I'd probably say 60-40.
Is there any way that you could keep all the girls, like, over there, away? Well, if you want males, these are probably the best, in-shape, This is our manager, Jackie Moore.
- Hi.
- Hi, Jackie.
-I'm Paris.
- Nice meeting you.
- Hi.
Nicole.
- How are you doing? - Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
Now, they were wanting to know where all the hot guys were Well, they're talking to 'em, so We're gonna put 'em to work, maybe, uh, let them shag a little bit.
Learn to play a little baseball.
- What? - Yeah? Guys, this is Jamie Snodgrass.
He's our trainer.
Nice to meet you.
I figured, since we're out here, we'd let them shag a little bit.
Sure.
And then, uh I don't know why they're laughing every time I say that.
- I don't know.
- I think I know.
Hi, guys.
Are you guys having fun stretching? - Can I stretch with you? - Sure.
This is hot.
Do you want me to help you stretch your legs at all? Nicole, do that stretch.
You want to? That's hot.
Can you do that one, too, please? Can you guys do it at the same time? And touch each other while you do it? This job is fun.
My favorite job.
All right, we're gonna go out here, and we're gonna teach you guys how to throw a little bit, play a little catch.
Hey, can you show these girls how to play catch a little bit? All right, I'm gonna throw you the ball.
Open up your glove and use two hands.
Oopsie.
Perfect.
You're an athlete.
Ow! I'm sorry.
What we really need you guys to do is, can you guys help us with our training staff? We got to get them ready to play tonight.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Jamie, take these girls, teach them how to be trainers.
This is our clubhouse.
Off-limits to women.
So this is where we're going to do all of our stuff.
It smells like it's off-limits to women.
All right, um, first, let's work on your hamstring, first.
I guess since you guys are in the midst of your lunches, that I'll get started with it, to show you kind of how to do it.
The thing that's most important about - this is I have different - Oils ? Creams that we use.
The double X and the triple X.
It's very serious stuff.
It gets very hot.
If you use it, you have to wear rubber gloves.
It does get very, very hot.
Go ahead and lie down on your stomach.
Get a little bit of juice on your hands.
Just rub it right in there.
Use your thumbs to get down in there nice, and you just use your hands.
So That's hot.
Do you want to give me a hand, Nicole? Yeah.
There you go.
Excuse the mustard.
There's your stuff, all right? Yeah.
Stay up here on this hamstring a little better.
There you go.
I used to be a masseuse.
Yeah? Okay.
Sometimes it's good to throw 'em off a little.
That was hot.
You liked that, didn't you? All right, Paris, you can help me tape an ankle.
You put this on.
Do you ever get a (bleep) letting girls do this? No, never.
Sometimes, just a little (bleep)? No, not at all.
A little awakening.
You paying any attention, or are you just laughing at her? I'm doing both.
Jamie, I need to talk to you outside for Okay.
I'll be right back.
Thank you.
Do you want a neck massage? Yeah.
- I'll give you one.
- Nice.
Just lay on your stomach.
Will you wipe your sweat off your neck first before I touch it? I'm sorry.
I apologize.
Play ball! Welcome to Dell Diamond stadium.
And tonight's a great night for baseball as the Round Rock Express take on the New Orleans Zephyrs.
You have two jobs.
One of them's to go get the bats and the balls, and the other is distract the other club.
We can, we can handle that, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I don't understand what we're doing.
When he hits the ball Okay, go get the bat, go get the bat! Hurry, hurry, run, hurry, go! There you go.
Go on, hammer, you mama's boy! You have a big head, hammer head! You're a ski hog, mama's boy! Swing and a miss, and that'll do it for the Zephyrs, who lead the Express two to one.
Thanks.
Ew.
That's the way to do it.
I'll take it here.
Did you get pine tar on your hand? I don't know.
Yeah.
It's so gross.
These guys use nasty things.
Cookie? Hi, you silly bitch.
Whoa, you can't say that on the bull pit phone.
Oh, I can't? Oh.
Do you want to make out later? Here's the delivery.
Struck him out! Paris! God! Hi, ladies.
So, I decided that you were my favorite player.
Really? Why is that? I like the way you work it.
I "work it"? Are you wearing a cup? I just thought you might be happy to see me, but it's a cup.
Uh, yeah.
A little of both, I guess.
That's hot.
So, nothing hurts there? Are you okay? Sorry.
There's a line drive down the alley.
Whiteman will round first.
He's going into second for a stand-up double.
Are we winning or losing? No, we're losing by one run.
And that's strike three.
Caught him looking.
Well, the girls' team's losing, so they decide to take matters into their own hands.
Hey, where are you guys going?! Hi, boys.
Do you want to just ditch this game? You and I can go to a movie, or something? You want to get out of here? Your friend over there was saying all this bad stuff about you.
Want to just open it and spill it out? That might be a little obvious.
Hey, what's that over there? - Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
- Are you serious? Go, Express! Come on, Express! Go, Express! Whoo! Express! They all hate us.
Come on, Express! Don't be coming over here in our dugout rooting for them.
Why? Because you're in our dugout.
You won't scream once, "go, Express?" No.
Just a little one.
Absolutely not.
Just a little, like, "go Express.
" Nope, can't do it.
Go, express! Like that, or cough, like Go, Express.
No.
Or sneeze.
Go, Express! Oh, gosh.
Why'd you put me, put that on me, Nicole, huh? Hey, yo, you guys! Your coach is wearing Express colors.
What's going on? Tell him to change.
Coming up at the bottom of the ninth for the Express, right fielder Carlton Newinson.
There's my dogs.
Peek-a-boo.
You've got to coach third now.
Okay.
You want to hold my dog? Yeah, I'll hold your dog.
You got to give signs to the hitter.
He's waiting on a sign.
Oh, okay.
Ready? And there's a pop-up to the third base line.
Paris watch out, watch out! Rog, get 'em off the field! Looks like there's a commotion at third base.
Here comes the umpire out to take a look.
It seems their two dogs are loose on the field as well.
You've got to get the dogs off the field.
- Time to go.
- Why? Well, because, uh, it's running late Wait a minute.
The dog is desiccating on the field.
And I can't believe it.
The dog has defecated on the field.
Miss Hilton, you must be worth a trillion bucks get the feeling that you don't really a You're out of here! Miss Hilton, I like the way you push and glide roller skates on a social butterfly, whoo! Well, the girls struck out with their family I will pray for Nicole and Paris.
I think it would be a very good idea if they went to church.
And they struck out with their team they've been a little disappointing, to be honest.
And with the fans turning against them there's only one thing left to do.
Run!