The Upshaws (2021) s02e07 Episode Script

1
[funky instrumental music playing]
Okay, I'm done. I'm out.
Out your mind if you think we're finished.
We have way more to do
before your Aunt Althea gets here.
Isn't she a preacher? Let's just dust off
the Bible and call it a day.
She's an inspirational speaker, huh?
She tells people how to live their lives.
So, she's a mom.
No, people listen to her.
Say what?
Just kidding.
- Go help your sister dust.
- She got it.
Oh, man. With you doing it,
I'll never get free.
Give it to me.
Okay.
Babe, we outta cereal.
If I put sugar on corn chips,
that's Frosted Flakes, right?
- Just add a banana.
- [mutters]
Now go. I'm trying to get this place
straightened up before Althea gets here.
People suck.
[door closes]
I grabbed the last pack of markers
and this Karen came at me
with a pair of safety scissors.
I don't want to get into it,
but you'll see it on the news.
Thank you.
Uh, wait a minute. Where's the cucumber?
Like I said, you'll see it on the news.
Is our evil sister here yet?
Would you stop that?
Every time that she comes for a visit,
you come over here
with all that funky attitude.
What's your excuse
for when she ain't here?
You.
I'll leave if you leave.
Fine.
And if I come over here
with a bad attitude,
it's 'cause she comes in here
all high and mighty
with her backhanded comments,
and you're so enamored by her
that you don't even see it.
I can't help it if she inspires me.
Inspires you to treat me like shit.
Lucretia, the eyes see
what the soul wishes to reveal.
And that. See, you even
start talking her mumbo jumbo
and then recite
the little four scriptures you know.
Like, "Thou shalt not be a hater."
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
She's not even here yet
and already stirring up things between us.
You are the one stirring shit up.
Ooh.
What's this? Sisters fighting?
Maybe y'all should
knock out this dusting together.
Maybe y'all should peel
the potatoes for dinner.
Maybe Aunt Thea will take us out.
Maybe y'all should take the trash out too.
- Maybe
- Aaliyah!
Stop talking. I'm seven
and even I know when to shut up.
Cree, I don't want to fight. Okay?
Just come to dinner and then you can
point it out to me if you see it.
You mean when I see it?
Fine, when you see it. Just say something.
I ain't gonna say something
like a little tattletale.
[mocks baby crying]
My big sister's picking on me.
I'm a grown-ass woman.
We're gonna need a code word.
Fine. How about, "I'm crazy
and I'm reading too much into shit?"
Too long.
If something annoys me, I'll tap my cane.
Hey, baby.
[vocalizing]
Solid as a rock ♪
[vocalizing]
Solid ♪
[funky instrumental music playing]
Man, you can kiss my ass woodpecker style,
and that's continuously.
I'm not paying no $85 for no side mirror.
Hey, man,
my girlfriend's got a rich husband.
If I don't keep her lace fronts fresh,
she'll cut off my nights and weekends.
Oh, man. Come on.
Get your ass out of here.
You the reason I'm losing money.
- You don't want this, someone else will.
- Yeah. Beat it.
Don't make me repeat it.
Oh, you don't need
that negativity in your life.
No. I don't need you in my life.
You don't see that sign out there
that says, "No Davis Allowed"?
No, I saw it.
You painted it on a queen-size bed sheet.
But I got you something.
[chuckles]
I don't want no damn
edible arrangements, fool.
You know I don't eat no fruit.
You got it wrong.
This is an arrangement of edibles.
Okay, well, leave these, but you leave.
Come on, man. Enough is enough.
Let's squash this shit.
Tell you what, you having
a supply problem, let me help you out.
Ain't that the reason
why you brought edibles?
No. Look, I know a guy
down at the VFW Hall
who could hook you up with cheap parts.
- How cheap we talking?
- Crack cheap.
Well, call him up, shit.
Or, you know, we could roll down there
and talk to him ourselves.
Maybe have a drink?
Naw.
Or I'll just call him.
- Hey, man. How's it going?
- Hey, it's going good.
What can I help you with?
Oil change? Tune-up?
What you need?
I'm Noah. Tasha's boyfriend?
Oh, right. Why are you not more memorable?
[chuckles] Uh, I'll work on that.
Hey, I wanted to run something by you.
There's these new shoes dropping today
and I wanted to get them for Kelvin.
Oh, you talking about those
- The Premiers.
- Oh, yeah, that's what I said.
The thing is
they're kinda exclusive,
but I know he really wants them.
Man, why you always doing the most?
All right?
You taking my son to Pacer games.
You're letting him drive your car.
- You're picking him up on time and shit.
- I know. I know.
That's why I wanted to
check with you first.
Yeah, I got my son the shoes, okay?
That's what a real father does.
He wakes up in the morning,
he goes down to the, um
Indy Kicks.
Can a brother talk?
[funky instrumental music playing]
Well, you speaking in town
is a nice surprise.
The only reason
I come back to Indiana is for money.
And y'all of course.
- I'm supposed to be in Belize this week.
- [gasps] Belize!
Ooh. We have pictures of that place
on the hospital screensavers.
Into this life some rain must fall.
But I don't complain.
I think you just did.
Hush now, Lucretia.
She just speaking her truth.
[sighs] My people keep me booked and busy.
I just keep manifesting success!
Mm-hmm! Sis, ooh, your cup runneth over!
Ooh! And my cup is a 44 triple-D.
[both laughing]
You wouldn't know about that.
[chuckles] Wait,
Mama couldn't bless us all.
[both laughing]
But she did get Daddy's whiskers.
[both laughing]
So, where are you staying?
I'm sure your room is ready.
Oh. They got me downtown
in a beautiful suite. Huh.
Beautiful for Indiana.
I've told you
that you could always stay here.
Oh, Lord, no. I need room to turn around.
But thank you.
Where is Bennie?
Y'all on another break?
Or is he back in the basement?
[Lucretia and Althea laughing]
With any luck,
he's out getting a vasectomy.
Yeah, girl! Ain't no room for
another break baby in this little house.
[Lucretia laughing]
Ooh. Isn't this fun?
So, what time should me
and my sister be back for dinner?
[funky instrumental music playing]
Security is holding them back. Make sure
we're set before we let anyone in.
Hey, hey, hey. Can I get
a little help at the register?
Sir, how did you get in here?
Oh. Through the back.
It's a long-ass line in the front.
Can I get these?
Sir, you have to wait in line.
There are rules.
Now, do y'all get paid more
to follow the rules?
Whatever.
That'll be $500.
Five hundred dollars?
I could have walked out with these!
I could have walked out with these.
Well, you didn't. So, cash or credit?
Look, I'm trying to one-up
on a dude, okay? Do you accept EBT?
Can I ring this in as a milk?
Come on, sister.
I'm trying to get these for my son.
Black people supposed to be
growing together.
I'm Sri Lankan.
Yeah. Well, I'm Baptist.
It don't even matter.
Okay, fine. I'll get the shoes.
You something else. You a trip.
You can tell you spoiled.
[funky instrumental music playing]
Oh, good. You're here.
[grunts] Keep walking. I'm broke.
Interesting. Then maybe Mom knows
where Kelvin got those $500 shoes.
Damn. You shaking me down.
I'm almost proud of you.
What you want?
Nothing too crazy.
- All right.
- Just this jacket.
[stutters] A $400 jacket?
And you got two perfectly good arms
to hug yourself with?
That's probably what Mom would say.
But she'll probably have
more to say about those shoes.
Okay, damn, fine. All right?
I'll get the damn jacket.
You shady and you're a con woman.
I'm spending too much time with you.
[funky instrumental music playing]
[sighs] I don't know why
I made a whole roast.
I should have just made appetizers
and let that heifer
manifest some damn room service.
Mm-mm-mm.
Althea's got you in here
mumbling to yourself.
Who knew she was like that?
Me. I knew. I told you.
Well
As long as we can get through this evening
without anybody being her punching bag.
Yeah, 'cause this bag punches back.
There's not gonna be any punching. Okay?
And besides,
I think your record is O and four.
[smacks lips] I just gotta figure out
how to wiggle out of that headlock.
Or we could have each other's back.
All right. Cool.
Go for her knees
and I'll headbutt her in the stomach.
[laughing] No.
I'm talking about when she says some shit.
Okay. Got it.
Like when she goes for your hair.
My hair?
Why would she go after my hair?
No reason.
Don't you let anybody tell you
it's time for a new look. We good.
[laughter]
I said, "Lucretia,
just because the game is called Uno,
doesn't mean you have to
play it by yourself."
[laughter]
So she didn't even have
an imaginary friend?
Oh. Poor thing tried,
but they kept imaginary ditching her!
[laughing]
Ooh. Boy, I love when you come over.
You always got the good stories.
Hey, did your mama ever tell you
how she got stood up for homecoming?
She did not. Go on.
Oh. It was so sad.
She worried Mama to death
about this fancy dress
and then her date didn't even show up.
Daddy made Lucretia take her. [chuckles]
What fool did that
to my poor baby? [chuckles]
You, jackass.
That's Lucretia.
Always there for me.
[chuckles] Of course she was. She was
just happy to get asked to a dance.
Well, at least I didn't get VD.
What's VD?
Uh, Valentine's Day.
Aww! Aunt Lucretia didn't get a VD?
No, baby.
I wasn't running around
with a pimp like your Aunt Althea.
He wasn't a pimp.
He just liked to
sit on his Cadillac and people-watch.
That's a pimp.
- What's a pimp?
- Hey, I got news.
I got a daughter
I didn't even know about. She's nine.
[gasps] A new daughter
and a new boyfriend.
What the universe withholds from one
gives abundance to another.
[Bernard] Her name's Sydney.
- Oh. That baby been here before.
- [chuckles]
Now, your new guy, uh,
how does he and Sydney get along?
Well, uh, they both get along with me.
[chuckles]
You still haven't told Hector
that you have a kid?
He hasn't asked.
Aunt Thea, you see what this is.
How do I get out of here?
Mmm. Don't get pregnant at 16.
Oh, please.
That's gonna be my first tattoo.
- [phone alert]
- Uh
- [clears throat]
- What?
Bennie, can I see you
in the kitchen, please?
For what?
[instrumental music playing]
How did someone charge $500
for shoes on our card?
Maybe they didn't realize
they could steal 'em.
We about to dispute this. Mm-mmm.
We can't afford this shit.
We 'bout to prosecute someone's ass.
No, don't go all legal now.
Maybe it's some good father out there
that just wants to show his son some love.
Oh, damn. It was you.
[phone alert]
If that text is about
Aaliyah's jacket, I had to buy it.
So she wouldn't tell you about the shoes.
The text was from Lucretia
telling me to hurry up.
Aaliyah said that she borrowed
that jacket from Savannah.
How much was the jacket?
Ask Savannah.
[phone alert]
Okay, it was $400.
You better take that shit back.
I can't take it back or she'll tell you
about the shoe Oh, right.
Mac and cheese is all crispy.
Liyah, be a lamb
and come help your father,
uh, count the cheeses.
"Count the cheeses"?
This feels like a setup.
I'm good.
Aaliyah.
Is everything okay?
Is something going on with Aaliyah?
No, she is fine.
- [stomping]
- I hate this house!
Would y'all excuse me?
Let me go check on this child.
She went limp on me, but I got it.
I'll tell you this,
Mama would have never let us
get away with that attitude.
Mmm. Okay.
I don't blame her
for wanting a different life.
All right, now.
At least a different chair. Ugh, my back.
Like I'm sitting in coach.
Why don't you go sit your ass outside?
Excuse me?
I knew I should have greased up my neck.
I'm sick of you.
Mm-hmm.
So what? You made it. Good for you.
You ain't got to tear me down.
[chuckling nervously] Lucretia,
can you believe all this hostility?
Shut up, Althea.
Pops, you think they gonna fight?
Let's go.
If one of Lucretia's titties pop out,
I'mma throw up.
[scoffs] All this negative energy
is why I don't come around.
Uh-uh. [chuckles]
See, 'cause you
are the negative energy, all right?
You're so full of yourself.
Yeah, you big phony. Flying around,
helping everyone but your family.
Acting like you the only one out here
with something going on.
You ain't asked
one question about our lives.
You ain't the only one with dreams.
Yeah, Regina's trying to go back
to grad school to get her MBA.
Cree got property.
Properties. And a man out of town.
Where is all this coming from?
- You wanna stand on my back?
- [stutters]
From how you are.
Mm-hmm. All your little digs.
All your little comments.
Talking about my disrespectful kids.
My house is small. Lucretia's alone.
Okay, you could have just stayed on you.
Why are you attacking the truth?
Aaliyah is disrespectful.
Your house is small. Lucretia is alone.
He's out of town!
It is my job to pinpoint peoples' issues.
We're not your people.
We're your family and that shit hurts.
A lot!
Oh, my God, that is never my intention.
I am sorry you perceive it that way.
There's no other way to "perceive" it.
You know, I'm just at a loss.
[sighs] Maybe it's best I leave.
Lucretia is making a fist.
Damn, I didn't even realize it.
No.
We said what we had to say. All right?
So, you either gonna
take it to heart or not.
You're our sister.
You're staying for dinner.
Well, thank you.
It's not gonna be a long dinner anyway.
I ate before I came.
This bitch.
What?
That's a button?
[funky instrumental music playing]
- I'm really glad we had tonight.
- Hmm.
You know, it's nice to clear the air.
And again, I'm so sorry.
Hey. Uh-uh. We already did that.
Yeah, come on, sis. We cool. We love you.
All right. I love y'all.
[all chuckling]
Yeah. And next time I'm here, I'd like to
see a picture of me up in here.
Ain't not one picture of me up in here.
You got the Obamas,
but you ain't got no picture of me.
- I love y'all!
- Love you.
Look at us three being sisters. [chuckles]
She really listened to us tonight.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- [laughs]
Sucks that she has to leave
right after her speech tomorrow.
Mm-hmm. Would have been nice
to have a bit more sister time.
Hey. Now, I know she said
that we don't have to come,
but let's surprise her at her talk
and take her to lunch
before she goes to the airport.
- I would love that.
- Yeah.
Oh, I'm supposed to read to
some poor kids tomorrow, but I'll cancel.
Are you talking about my kids?
Yes, I was.
[funky instrumental music playing]
- Your mama here?
- No.
That's good. [clears throat]
I don't know how to tell you this
about them shoes, but
I'mma get the hat to go with them.
Oh, damn, thank you.
That's really nice of you.
Yeah, you can't rock the kicks
without the fitted.
Yeah, dads be knowing it.
Hey, just don't make it no Jets cap.
Oh, you know I wouldn't do that to you.
[both] Boop.
Yeah, can you take your "boop" in the back
so I can have a second with my son?
Yeah. Yeah, my bad.
[Bennie] Yeah.
- You're not getting me that hat, are you?
- No.
And it gets worse.
I'mma need them shoes back, man.
[chuckles] I can't do that.
Okay, now, I just snatched a jacket off
Aaliyah's ass. I'll jump on you too.
No, I mean I sold them.
What? That was $500!
Chill, look. Uh
I flipped them for eight.
Oh, my God. I'm so proud of you.
Boy, you gonna make me cry.
I need my cut though, come on.
Dad, I was gonna break you off.
Yeah. Well, I'm fine with you,
but it's the Tasha part in you
that I don't trust.
Here. Here, man.
We need to do this more often.
Hell yeah.
Well, might be a little difficult
when we move across town.
Oh, man, $800 ain't no moving money.
Uh, I mean when my mom and I
move in with Noah.
Didn't she tell you?
Of course she told me. [chuckles]
She don't make a move
without me knowing it.
Did she show you the pics of the house?
How about that hot tub?
Yeah.
That's a whole lot of booty-soup in there,
but if that's how y'all rolling.
Okay. Well, you, uh, ruined that for me.
I gotta go finish my homework.
Okay. I'll holler at you, boy.
I love you, son.
- All right.
- Bye.
[Bennie sighs]
Damn!
Taking my son. Okay. Yeah.
All right. You gonna take something?
I'mma take this hot comb.
[winces and groans]
I'll take the hair.
Take my son up outta here.
Oh, shit.
[funky instrumental music playing]
We Thea's family.
Why are we in overflow? Damn.
'Cause we got our tickets last minute.
And stop cussing in church.
It's not our church.
There's some chairs over here.
- And a chair for you other there, heathen.
- [scoffs]
[indistinct chatter]
Good afternoon. Welcome to our second
annual Women's Fellowship Conference.
[audience applauding]
Without further ado, Althea Turner.
Grand rising, go-getters.
For the next two hours and 20 minutes
- No. That's The Godfather movie. I'm out.
- we are going to explore
[funky instrumental music playing]
We all have dreams.
I know that's right.
There's no elevator
to live in your dreams.
You've got to take the stairs.
You've got to do the work.
Say it, sis.
Oh, that's not a Black thing.
She's actually my sister.
[Althea] Dreams are beautiful.
But we also need to be mindful
of the realities of life.
- [audience agreeing]
- We have kids! We have spouses.
We have to take care of ourselves.
[audience agreeing]
That stuff still has to happen.
Someone has to pick up the slack.
Don't let your dreams
become someone else's nightmare.
- Mm-hmm.
- [audience agreeing]
[Althea] Of course,
this can be hard to see sometimes.
Especially when they're offering to help.
- [audience agreeing]
- But all help ain't good help.
Some people use help
as a down payment on their judgment.
They feel entitled to be all up
in your business because they need it.
[laughs] It's almost like a crutch.
- [audience agreeing]
- Mmm. Been there.
[Althea continues indistinctly]
Been where?
What?
We gotta do this now?
What was with that, "Been there"?
You think I'm controlling?
[chuckles sarcastically]
Yeah, you just dragged me out
in the middle of her message.
What was up with your nodding
and "mm-hmm"-ing?
That's what you do
when you agree with something.
So, my dream is your nightmare?
You don't want me to go back to school.
I didn't say that.
But if you do,
there's a lot that's gonna fall on me.
"If"?
Now you don't even think I can get in.
[scoffs] Stop reading into everything.
When I go back to school.
And nothing gonna fall on you
that hasn't already.
So, everything?
[scoffs] You really think you can
go back to school without me.
Damn right I do.
I know that your family
couldn't function without me.
[laughing] Oh, is that right?
You wouldn't have a life
if I didn't have a family.
We're your hobby.
So that's what you really think of me?
Well, suddenly,
I have a lot of free time then.
To do what?
Snuggle up with your drive-by boyfriend
or go antiquing with friends
that you don't have?
You know I hate antiquing.
But maybe I would have a full life
if I wasn't stuck raising your children
and paying your bills.
Go back to playing Uno by your damn self.
Ooh! You are lucky we are in God's house.
Why? So He can watch Maya
while you go back to school?
God already raised His kid. Twice.
I'm getting out of here.
- Your husband is still sleeping in there.
- [yells] I know it!
[funky instrumental music playing]
[theme music playing]