Those Who Can't (2016) s02e07 Episode Script
Detergent Dawn
1 She just kept pedaling her dope-ass bike further and further and further away, deep into the freezing, turgid dawn.
[Chuckles.]
Fin.
[Sighs.]
New York Times Best Seller list, here I come.
[Laughs.]
Print.
[Laptop dings.]
Come on.
Why is it not printing? Print.
- [Laptop dings.]
- It says it's printing.
- [Dramatic music plays.]
- Oh, no.
God damn it.
[Door creaks.]
God! [Breathing heavily.]
[Thuds.]
"F"! Hey, what are you what are you reading? Uh, it's this book about this guy Brock Ranger.
- Man, what a badass.
- Where did you get that?! Dude, where did you get that?! - Ohh! - Hey! Hey, hey, hey! God - Geoffrey: Swing low - Quinn! Quinn! Sweet charioooot - Quinn, where did that kid come from? - Oh, no, Mr.
Payton, - I'm not getting him - Quinn, where did he come from? No, I'm on the outside now.
I need answers, Quinn, not garbage! - Where did he come from?! - He came from the library.
How hard was that? Come on! I'm not a snitch.
I am I am a snitch.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through [Dramatic music plays.]
What? [Slow music plays.]
- E-everyone's reading my "Turgid" - Shhh! "Brock Ranger turned to his girlfriend, Jade Phoenix, - "but Jade didn't turn back.
" - No.
"She just kept pedaling her dope-ass bike "further and further and further away, - "deep into the freezing, turgid dawn.
" - "Deep into the freezing, turgid dawn.
" Wow.
That is - Yeah? - really impressive.
You really think so? Yeah.
It's total garbage, but it's impressive that a Smoot student wrote it.
It's not total garbage.
What makes what makes you think a student wrote it? Well, it's either a student or the world's most stunted adult.
No, it's clearly written by a high-schooler with an elementary-schooler's view of sexuality.
Okay, I think the author knew a lot more about sexuality than that, Abbey.
Brock is a metaphor for the human condition [Laughing.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, but, seriously, I would love to meet the kid who wrote this.
It's like a bona fide literary phenomenon.
Like "On the Road"? No, like "Goosebumps.
" - [Chuckles.]
- Yeah.
Like "On the Road.
" Enjoy.
Those things are flying off of the shelves.
- I know.
The kids love them.
- It's incredible.
Is this where the filth is coming from the library?! Great.
I should have known.
Yeah, these kids are reading.
Oh, is that what you call it reading? She don't have pockets inside of her pants, Trevor! [Chuckling.]
Badass.
You know what we're looking at here? A bona fide literary phenomenon, like "On the Road"? No, how about a potential outbreak of pregnancies? It's an adventure novel, Cattie.
There's no sex in it.
It's that great period before the sex.
Why don't you shut those red lips, Mapplethorpe, okay? We got to do something about this smut.
I'm already on thin ice with the school board because of that scathing article during the Quinn trial.
Hey, do you guys have a copy of that crazy, stupid novel - that everybody's reading - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- "Detergent Dawn" or whatever? - Yeah, the one everyone's petting - each other's bumps over? - Whoa.
See, that's what I'm talking about, y'all! Okay, it's "The Turgid Dawn," and no one knows if a kid wrote it an adult could have written it.
Probably, an adult wrote it.
Okay, if an adult wrote it, then how come, on page 34, when they're talking about young ladies, Brock says to Hawk, uh, he don't know where the pee come out.
Okay, Cattie, if you know so much, where does the pee come out? My mama said it's indecent to I just have to sit down to do it that's all I know.
My point exactly.
Well, it don't matter because when I find out the student who wrote this filth, there's gonna be hell to pay.
What if a teacher wrote it? Well, then, I'll fire that pervert.
It don't matter, 'cause as of now, "Detergent Dawn" is banned.
It's "The Turgid Dawn.
" We're banning books now?! I hate it here! You know, I-I may be just an old, washed-up mop jockey, but, uh, tell you what I would do.
Would that be, Geoffrey, minding your own business? 'Cause that's what I suggest.
Yeah, I-I made a mistake, Warden Ma'am Warden.
Dang this school! Every time I turn around, it's something.
[Sighs.]
Fairbell, come with me.
I have a health-education matter to discuss.
We're gonna see Doctor How are you gonna get yourself out of this one, Brock? What makes you think that I wrote this? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it's something like, "She had a waist like a Campbell's Soup can and cans like a souped-up Neve Campbell.
" How long you been sitting on that? [Sighs.]
Since "Scream 2.
" You got to help me, Shoemaker.
You heard her.
If she finds out I wrote this, she'll fire my ass.
This is garbage.
You're on your own, "Broman Polanski.
" This is not garbage it's literature.
I'll give you 10 bucks for it.
- $20.
- Deal.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know what I was just saying.
I think there is a way I can help you.
Why don't you meet me in my office in a few minutes? - You mean your classroom? - My office! All right.
You're gonna want to ice it and then heat it.
Hey, with a heating pad! Dr.
Greene, what is the status of the "handemic"? Well, not gonna lie to you this is the worst outbreak of carpal tunnel I've seen since Tim Wakefield picked up the knuckleball.
It's that "Turgid Dawn" that thing reads like a [bleep.]
user's manual.
We need something foolproof, y'all, like like abstinence education.
Well, I've never seen a problem that can't be fixed with a well-timed skit.
That's a great idea an abstinence skit.
Everybody loves skits.
Ooh, you could get that thespian, Summer, to help you.
She's a sort of an actress.
Sure.
Hey, Rod, how we coming with those splints? [Gags.]
[Garbled.]
I'm sucking as fast as I can.
I'm working on a serious case of brain freeze right now, okay? Damn it.
I wish there was an easier way to get Popsicle sticks.
Well, I already told you we are not entertaining movie, uh, deals yet, even if it is the Spielberg brothers.
Oh, I've got to go.
[Laughs.]
- [Chuckling.]
Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for coming by.
Uh, bottled water, Hydrox cookie? No.
Gross.
- Why did you call me here, Shoemaker? - [Scoffs.]
I may have been a bit premature in my assessment of your novel.
Well, that's funny 'cause I remember you saying that you hated it.
- What?! - Yeah.
No.
No, I'm just I'm just hypercritical of things that I love.
- I mean, ask my son.
- That's true.
- And-and maybe - Poor bastard.
I think it's a little immature that you believe that breasts are always producing milk, but who am I to judge, huh? Okay, I'm not an idiot.
I know that they need a break every now and then, but how was Jade supposed to feed Brock when they were trapped together in that submarine? And that's why you're the author and I'm just a simple businessman.
See, I believe you have really tapped into the Zeitgeist with this thing.
The new bratwurst place downtown? Dude, did you get reservations? No.
No, no, no.
It's impossible.
The line's around the block.
No.
I'm talking about the big picture here.
- Movie deals, merchandising.
- I love it.
- Yes.
But all that dream - Uh-huh.
that goes paaah! That goes away if people Abbey continue to pirate your hard work.
That's where I come in.
You need me as an anonymous author to represent you.
I never thought of it that way.
- No, and that's - I mean, I guess I'm kind of stuck between a "Brock" and a hard place, aren't I? [Laughs.]
[Chuckling.]
Right? That's the name of the novel.
That's the sequel.
Write that down.
I want you to write that down.
No, no.
The good ones I always remember always.
All right.
I'll let you take your chances.
Which is why I just drafted up this little thing.
I don't I don't know if we need a contract, Shoemaker.
Oh, oh, oh, contract? [Chuckling.]
No, no, no, no, no, please.
No, don't think of it as a contract.
Think of this as a as an informal agreement between friends that just happens to be legally binding, huh? You know what? Why not? - [Laughs.]
Yes! - Screw it.
- Screw it.
- [Laughs.]
Attaboy.
Now, y'all don't pay me any mind here, okay? I'm just a kid who wants to hear about the cool choice of abstinence.
Do B.
J.
s count? Joel, if I have to call your mother one more time, so help me gosh.
Okay.
Class I was up all night coming up with some scenarios that are gonna help you guys say N-O to sex and Y-E-double-S to being cool like me.
[Door opens.]
Now, I brought in some help.
Some of you may know Summer from make-believe class.
The dramatic arts.
Yes, today, I will be playing Tanya Lafontaine, a confused, lascivious 15-year-old runaway with a dangerous past.
- Ooh.
- And I'll be playing me.
Okay.
Let's go ahead and get started.
Let's say you're at the movies.
We're gonna show you just how easy it is to say no.
Hey, Andy, would you have sex with me? No.
- It's just that easy.
- It's just that easy.
But what if you're at a party? I've had too much to drink, and I'm feeling sexual.
- Would you drive me home? - No.
Besides, this X-wing only has room for one.
Wish I could help you, Tanya.
Got to go home.
- [Imitating X-wing's door closing.]
- It's - it's - R2, set a course for Bespen.
Beep, boop, beep, beep, boop! - [Imitating X-wing's engines roaring.]
- it [Imitating laser fire.]
it's just that easy.
All right, this skit wasn't the home run I'd hoped it'd be.
Summer, why don't you take over and make this not suck? It will be my greatest theatrical challenge.
- Fairbell? - Sorry, I can't hear you over all these TIE fighters! Watch your 6, Blue Leader! I'm hit! Vrrrrrr! Ohh! I'm down.
Boy, what a difference a day makes, huh? Yesterday, this place was hoppin'.
Yeah, I can still hear them turning the pages of their favorite book.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
A lot's changed around here since Cattie Goodman, huh? Even even you.
What is that supposed to mean? Nothing, just the old Abbey that I know she would have never tolerated a book banning.
She would have printed out a thousand copies of that thing just to shove them in my little face, but this is this is better, you know? Time passes.
People change.
They get older.
They get wiser.
Wait.
Do you think I look older? Oh, no.
That's I wasn't saying that at all.
I mean, in the eyes, I would say.
Oh, my God.
Quinn, you're right.
God damn it.
Screw Cattie! [Chuckling.]
Well, that's not what I was getting at, but, you know, I'm just the lowly janitor.
What do I know? Which reminds me I got to Windex those front windows they're not gonna Windex themselves, Abbey.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
Hey, Quinn Yeah, Abbey? The women's [bleep.]
is backed up again.
I think Julie did it.
Great.
Well, I'll get right on it.
I'm the janitor of the school.
- It's just that easy.
- It's just that easy.
Andrew, what do you say we go off script to spice things up a little bit? - All right.
Sure.
- Follow my lead? Okay.
- Hi, Andy.
- Hey.
Remember all that hot sex we had last month? Uh, we did? Yeah, and I'm late.
- Late for what? - My period.
I'm pregnant with twins, and I'm keeping them.
I don't care what you say.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
So, what did we just learn about sex? Don't have it.
It's just that - easy.
- Easy?! Oh, you just hit it and quit it? You didn't call me for weeks.
Okay, I think the skit is over.
Oh, it's over because you say it's over, because it's inconvenient? No.
Not again.
It's just that easy.
Look at me.
[School bell rings.]
You look at me right now! I'm right here.
What was that? That was called "sexual chemistry.
" Don't you feel it? Look, you're, uh, super cool, and I appreciate the help, but I'm not looking for a full-time skit partner right now, okay? Just maybe as more of a friend hallway friend? We're meant to be partners for life.
I actually forgot I have to be somewhere.
[Chuckling.]
Sorry.
Got to go.
[Imitating X-wing's door closing.]
Kcchhhhm! There you are.
Halt all artificial dissemination across the entire e pluribus unum.
Are you Abigail Marie Rabinowitz Logan? You know I am, Williams Sonoma Shoemaker.
- What do you want? - You've been served.
What the [bleep.]
- Ha! - Sorry.
"Request to cease and insist.
" Wait.
Cease and ins That's not even a Oh, it's from The Law Bros.
That's correct.
You see, the copies of "The Turgid Dawn" that you're just printing off and bootlegging all willy und nilly that stops today.
Any further correspondences regarding my client will come through me ad infinitum, et al! Your client? Who's your client? The anonymous author of this.
Well, you're too late, because the anonymous author already revealed himself to me.
I hope you mean that he showed you his genitals.
No, he approached me earlier and agreed to do an exclusive "Q and A" with me after school.
Dumb asshole son of a bitch! [Thuds.]
It was actually quite simple eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we die because we're tripping billies.
- [School bell rings.]
- Also, re-read "Turgid Dawn" and think of five new things that you love about it.
[Chuckles.]
[Smacks lips.]
Ahh.
Cat's out of the bag, asshole! - What? - How much did she pay you? - Nothing.
I paid her.
- What? I mean, technically, I traded for some medication her mom needed, but I was in Juárez, picking up scrips.
What are you talking about?! What are you talking about? I'm talking about you agreeing to do some "Q and A" in the library.
Oh.
Wait, no, I didn't agree to any "Q and A.
" Oh, you are so coy, [koi.]
I ought to put you in a Japanese pond! I'm out there, trying to bring us the money, and what are you doing you're out there, revealing your identity! I'm serious, Shoemaker.
I didn't do anything.
Someone's out there taking credit for my work.
Wait.
Are you saying that we have a Carlos Mencia situation here? Well, it's hardly that funny.
We have an impostor.
I should reveal myself.
Yes.
Now's the perfect time.
- Now, that's great.
- I'm tired of this damned anonymity.
- Yes.
- There's no fun in it.
That is a great idea.
And at what temperature shall we cook the golden goose?! God damn it, if I don't reveal myself as the true author, how am I to be the next Faulkner or Fitzgerald or Steinbeck? [Laughs.]
Oh, wait.
I got to remember that you're serious when you say [bleep.]
like that.
Listen, you need to stop what you're doing and let me do my job.
Then do your job! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Cup clatters.]
I tell you, sometimes, the abuse is not worth the 65% commission.
[Dramatic music plays.]
No, thank you.
I'm just doing a one.
[Breathes sharply.]
If you need it, I'm here.
[Humming.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
Aaah! Aaaaah! All right, if I seem a little out of it this morning, class, I was up all night because someone kept ringing my doorbell.
And then I'd go outside, and there was little animal skulls on the lawn.
But I thought of some fun stuff you could do instead of having sex.
Um, you could play, uh, video games to just try to forget.
Um, you could wash the sheep's blood off of the steps - that you thought was real b - [Singsong voice.]
Andrew.
- No.
No! - I'm here.
- [All shout.]
- Please, no! No! You naughty boy.
No, we only had pretend sex one time.
We need a stronger bond, Andrew.
We need a blood bond.
[All scream.]
Oh, no, please don't cut up my skin and live in it.
No! Aaaah! Aaah! [All scream.]
Aaaah! Aaah! Aaah! And scene! That's why you should never have sex.
What the hell was that? I don't know, but I'm never having sex again.
God damn it! First, Summer pulls a knife on Fairbell, and now you're doing exactly what I told you not to do! Y'all trying to kill me? You know, Cattie, I have tried to make you like me.
I have tried to turn this library into something that you'd be proud of.
But you you call me a witch.
You make fun of my hair.
You you put all my gang friends in prison.
So, yeah, yeah, I'm defying you.
[Chuckles.]
Well, you better shut this down, or I will.
Well, then, I'll call that reporter, Pam, and tell her her favorite whipping girl is now banning books.
Ohh! Is that how you want to play this, you dirty bird? Well, you go ahead.
You have your author unveiling because, as soon as Cattie Goodman finds out who wrote this trash, she's gonna hang him up by his filthy little fingers so he can't type anymore.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Cattie Goodman! - [Classical music plays.]
- Look at this.
This should all be for me the cheese and Martinelli's.
And I'm sitting here on the God damn sideline.
- [Whispering.]
Keep your voice down! - [Whispering.]
Then get me a Martinelli.
You want a Martinelli's, I'll get you a damn Martinelli's.
- Excuse me.
- Hurry up.
Hurry it up.
Thank you for joining us in our inaugural author series.
I haven't lined up any other authors, but I'm still aggressively tweeting J.
K.
Rowling, so fingers crossed for that, which is a wonderful segue to our next matter at hand.
[Chuckles.]
"Matter at hand.
" She is killing it.
It is my supreme honor to introduce the author of "The Turgid Dawn," Joel, um I for I forgot his last name.
You know, I never got his last name, so just Joel.
[Cheers and applause.]
Sit! Sit down! [Cheers and applause.]
[Chuckles.]
Your ass is mine, Joel.
What's up, everyone? So, Joel, you are a sophomore.
You played freshman soccer, but not J.
V.
You have a "D" in English, and yet you are a literary phenom.
[Cheers and applause.]
Tell us about your writing process.
Aw, hell, just write what you know.
Oh, yes! - Oh! - Ow! Those panties should be thrown at me.
- And that would be a felony.
- An age-appropriate version.
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Chill out.
If you don't do something about this right now, I will.
I'll handle it.
All right.
First the Martinelli's, now this.
Abbey, real quick, I have a few Q's for this "A.
" Shoemaker, it's not really the time for No, no, no.
It'll be fine.
Hello, Mr.
Author, if that is your real name.
I'd like to know, how did you come up with the character of Brock Ranger? Oh, well, that was easy.
I just looked at myself and made him a bit taller.
[Laughter and applause.]
Okay, no.
No, no, no.
I have another question I'd like to ask How long did it take you to write this masterpiece? Oh, just like a weekend.
[Bleep.]
That's all Shoemaker, I don't know what you're doing, but could you please take a seat? No, no, no, no, no.
I will do the talking here.
- One more question that I - This is getting nowhere.
All right, Joel, what does the word "turgid" mean? Oh, well, it's, uh [Chuckles.]
- What's that? - Uh.
It's like badass, right? Wrong.
It's not badass.
And Joel doesn't know that because Joel didn't write this book.
Oh, and somebody And neither did you.
- So sit down! - I will not sit down.
I've been sitting my whole life, but today, I stand, for it was I I who wrote "The Turgid Dawn.
" [All gasp.]
You did not! You did? - Yes, I did.
- Oh! Cattie: Of course it was him! Why wouldn't it be?! This whole damn place is one giant worst-case scenario! You got racist mascots! You got girl gangs! You got boy teachers dressing up as ladies! So, of course, one of Cattie Goodman's faculty is writing teen smut! It's not smut, Cattie.
It's the story of my sexuality.
Some people aren't ready to go all the way yet sure, occasionally, in a border town, but that's different.
That's a transaction.
[Voice breaking.]
But when it's an actual relationship, you always wind up getting your heart broken.
So, yeah, I like to [bleep.]
just [bleep.]
.
Excuse me.
Oh, I'll excuse all of y'all to hell! Not before you admit that this is a work of art.
Just ask Shoemaker.
What's that? [Chuckles.]
Hey, real quick, could one of you pull your car around, and I'll just leap down on [Chuckles.]
You know what? I-I'll just take my chances.
[Thuds.]
Did he just go out the window? [Chuckles.]
Did he just go out the did he just go Cattie Goodman's got a pain in her left arm! - Geoffrey: Oh, Cattie! - Cattie Goodman's got - a pain in her left arm! - Cattie! - Oh.
my God.
- Cattie Goodman's got a pain! - Cattie's got a cramp - You're gonna be fine.
- Cattie Goodman! - You're gonna be fine.
Well, what about him?! He's responsible! Mr.
Payton, follow us to the office.
Take off that scarf and those glasses.
And, Abbey, clean up this mess and don't be far behind.
- Get 'em! You get 'em! - We're gonna get 'em.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
I can take it from here.
You see, this requires firm hands, and I've got the firmest.
[Both laugh.]
Well, why not just take a minute for yourself over here? Sure.
Maybe let the old janitor clean up this place.
Yeah.
Hey, are you gonna burn this cursed school to the ground? [Chuckling.]
Oh, no.
I'll leave that to faulty boiler number 6.
[Chuckling.]
Oh! Loren, my off - Cattie's office, now.
- [Sighs.]
And you have really done it this time, Mister.
And I'm not gonna go soft on you.
You want to know why? Because prison changes a man! See? I got I got Quinn to handle this.
I fixed him.
I fixed the problems at Smoot.
Cattie Goodman fixed all the problems at Smoot.
Cattie Goodman! This is a travesty! You finished your book! [Laughs.]
Quinn, you're not you're not mad? No, I'm just mad it took you so long to get it done.
[Chuckles.]
Once I found out it was you, I just pretended to be mad to shield you from Cattie.
Cattie Goodman fixed Smoot! Cattie Goodman fixed Smoot! Yes, you did, Cattie Goodman.
So I-I guess you're probably gonna look for a new school to fix, huh? Oh, good idea, Tam-Tam.
Get me another feather in my cap.
Call the district, tell them that Quinn's ready to take the reins.
Whatever it takes to make it so I don't have to come back to this unholy lake of fire! Now, where are my write-up forms?! Because I swear to God, when I finally find them, you will die! [Whispering.]
Now, be honest with me - Brock's best friend, Hawk Remington - Oh, God.
is that me? - Probably.
Probably, sure.
- [Chuckles.]
I knew it was me! And that scene where you and I tandem para-glide over that topless beach that is just classic Quinn and Loren.
I mean, we've never done that before.
- You take care of yourself, okay? - Thank you, Tammy.
I will.
I swear to God, I am punishing you so good right now because you will never, ever do this again! - Tammy, one more thing.
- Yes? Tam, the third-floor women's [bleep.]
is clogged again.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I think it was Julie.
[Laughs.]
Julie did it.
Ooh.
Crazy-ass bitch.
Now, when can we expect a sequel? I am outlining.
Quinn told me to come in here, but did I just see Cattie drive across the lawn? Sounds about right.
Quinn's back in charge now.
And that's why you're gonna have to live in my house with me to have a positive male role model! He sounds angry.
Oh, it's all for show.
He's in there, tickling Loren.
- [Laughs.]
- Right there.
That's it, right there.
Why don't you go on home? I'll get you off the hook.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
[Sign clatters.]
[Chuckles.]
Fin.
[Sighs.]
New York Times Best Seller list, here I come.
[Laughs.]
Print.
[Laptop dings.]
Come on.
Why is it not printing? Print.
- [Laptop dings.]
- It says it's printing.
- [Dramatic music plays.]
- Oh, no.
God damn it.
[Door creaks.]
God! [Breathing heavily.]
[Thuds.]
"F"! Hey, what are you what are you reading? Uh, it's this book about this guy Brock Ranger.
- Man, what a badass.
- Where did you get that?! Dude, where did you get that?! - Ohh! - Hey! Hey, hey, hey! God - Geoffrey: Swing low - Quinn! Quinn! Sweet charioooot - Quinn, where did that kid come from? - Oh, no, Mr.
Payton, - I'm not getting him - Quinn, where did he come from? No, I'm on the outside now.
I need answers, Quinn, not garbage! - Where did he come from?! - He came from the library.
How hard was that? Come on! I'm not a snitch.
I am I am a snitch.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through [Dramatic music plays.]
What? [Slow music plays.]
- E-everyone's reading my "Turgid" - Shhh! "Brock Ranger turned to his girlfriend, Jade Phoenix, - "but Jade didn't turn back.
" - No.
"She just kept pedaling her dope-ass bike "further and further and further away, - "deep into the freezing, turgid dawn.
" - "Deep into the freezing, turgid dawn.
" Wow.
That is - Yeah? - really impressive.
You really think so? Yeah.
It's total garbage, but it's impressive that a Smoot student wrote it.
It's not total garbage.
What makes what makes you think a student wrote it? Well, it's either a student or the world's most stunted adult.
No, it's clearly written by a high-schooler with an elementary-schooler's view of sexuality.
Okay, I think the author knew a lot more about sexuality than that, Abbey.
Brock is a metaphor for the human condition [Laughing.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
No, but, seriously, I would love to meet the kid who wrote this.
It's like a bona fide literary phenomenon.
Like "On the Road"? No, like "Goosebumps.
" - [Chuckles.]
- Yeah.
Like "On the Road.
" Enjoy.
Those things are flying off of the shelves.
- I know.
The kids love them.
- It's incredible.
Is this where the filth is coming from the library?! Great.
I should have known.
Yeah, these kids are reading.
Oh, is that what you call it reading? She don't have pockets inside of her pants, Trevor! [Chuckling.]
Badass.
You know what we're looking at here? A bona fide literary phenomenon, like "On the Road"? No, how about a potential outbreak of pregnancies? It's an adventure novel, Cattie.
There's no sex in it.
It's that great period before the sex.
Why don't you shut those red lips, Mapplethorpe, okay? We got to do something about this smut.
I'm already on thin ice with the school board because of that scathing article during the Quinn trial.
Hey, do you guys have a copy of that crazy, stupid novel - that everybody's reading - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- "Detergent Dawn" or whatever? - Yeah, the one everyone's petting - each other's bumps over? - Whoa.
See, that's what I'm talking about, y'all! Okay, it's "The Turgid Dawn," and no one knows if a kid wrote it an adult could have written it.
Probably, an adult wrote it.
Okay, if an adult wrote it, then how come, on page 34, when they're talking about young ladies, Brock says to Hawk, uh, he don't know where the pee come out.
Okay, Cattie, if you know so much, where does the pee come out? My mama said it's indecent to I just have to sit down to do it that's all I know.
My point exactly.
Well, it don't matter because when I find out the student who wrote this filth, there's gonna be hell to pay.
What if a teacher wrote it? Well, then, I'll fire that pervert.
It don't matter, 'cause as of now, "Detergent Dawn" is banned.
It's "The Turgid Dawn.
" We're banning books now?! I hate it here! You know, I-I may be just an old, washed-up mop jockey, but, uh, tell you what I would do.
Would that be, Geoffrey, minding your own business? 'Cause that's what I suggest.
Yeah, I-I made a mistake, Warden Ma'am Warden.
Dang this school! Every time I turn around, it's something.
[Sighs.]
Fairbell, come with me.
I have a health-education matter to discuss.
We're gonna see Doctor How are you gonna get yourself out of this one, Brock? What makes you think that I wrote this? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe it's something like, "She had a waist like a Campbell's Soup can and cans like a souped-up Neve Campbell.
" How long you been sitting on that? [Sighs.]
Since "Scream 2.
" You got to help me, Shoemaker.
You heard her.
If she finds out I wrote this, she'll fire my ass.
This is garbage.
You're on your own, "Broman Polanski.
" This is not garbage it's literature.
I'll give you 10 bucks for it.
- $20.
- Deal.
[Chuckles.]
I don't know what I was just saying.
I think there is a way I can help you.
Why don't you meet me in my office in a few minutes? - You mean your classroom? - My office! All right.
You're gonna want to ice it and then heat it.
Hey, with a heating pad! Dr.
Greene, what is the status of the "handemic"? Well, not gonna lie to you this is the worst outbreak of carpal tunnel I've seen since Tim Wakefield picked up the knuckleball.
It's that "Turgid Dawn" that thing reads like a [bleep.]
user's manual.
We need something foolproof, y'all, like like abstinence education.
Well, I've never seen a problem that can't be fixed with a well-timed skit.
That's a great idea an abstinence skit.
Everybody loves skits.
Ooh, you could get that thespian, Summer, to help you.
She's a sort of an actress.
Sure.
Hey, Rod, how we coming with those splints? [Gags.]
[Garbled.]
I'm sucking as fast as I can.
I'm working on a serious case of brain freeze right now, okay? Damn it.
I wish there was an easier way to get Popsicle sticks.
Well, I already told you we are not entertaining movie, uh, deals yet, even if it is the Spielberg brothers.
Oh, I've got to go.
[Laughs.]
- [Chuckling.]
Hey.
- Hey.
Thanks for coming by.
Uh, bottled water, Hydrox cookie? No.
Gross.
- Why did you call me here, Shoemaker? - [Scoffs.]
I may have been a bit premature in my assessment of your novel.
Well, that's funny 'cause I remember you saying that you hated it.
- What?! - Yeah.
No.
No, I'm just I'm just hypercritical of things that I love.
- I mean, ask my son.
- That's true.
- And-and maybe - Poor bastard.
I think it's a little immature that you believe that breasts are always producing milk, but who am I to judge, huh? Okay, I'm not an idiot.
I know that they need a break every now and then, but how was Jade supposed to feed Brock when they were trapped together in that submarine? And that's why you're the author and I'm just a simple businessman.
See, I believe you have really tapped into the Zeitgeist with this thing.
The new bratwurst place downtown? Dude, did you get reservations? No.
No, no, no.
It's impossible.
The line's around the block.
No.
I'm talking about the big picture here.
- Movie deals, merchandising.
- I love it.
- Yes.
But all that dream - Uh-huh.
that goes paaah! That goes away if people Abbey continue to pirate your hard work.
That's where I come in.
You need me as an anonymous author to represent you.
I never thought of it that way.
- No, and that's - I mean, I guess I'm kind of stuck between a "Brock" and a hard place, aren't I? [Laughs.]
[Chuckling.]
Right? That's the name of the novel.
That's the sequel.
Write that down.
I want you to write that down.
No, no.
The good ones I always remember always.
All right.
I'll let you take your chances.
Which is why I just drafted up this little thing.
I don't I don't know if we need a contract, Shoemaker.
Oh, oh, oh, contract? [Chuckling.]
No, no, no, no, no, please.
No, don't think of it as a contract.
Think of this as a as an informal agreement between friends that just happens to be legally binding, huh? You know what? Why not? - [Laughs.]
Yes! - Screw it.
- Screw it.
- [Laughs.]
Attaboy.
Now, y'all don't pay me any mind here, okay? I'm just a kid who wants to hear about the cool choice of abstinence.
Do B.
J.
s count? Joel, if I have to call your mother one more time, so help me gosh.
Okay.
Class I was up all night coming up with some scenarios that are gonna help you guys say N-O to sex and Y-E-double-S to being cool like me.
[Door opens.]
Now, I brought in some help.
Some of you may know Summer from make-believe class.
The dramatic arts.
Yes, today, I will be playing Tanya Lafontaine, a confused, lascivious 15-year-old runaway with a dangerous past.
- Ooh.
- And I'll be playing me.
Okay.
Let's go ahead and get started.
Let's say you're at the movies.
We're gonna show you just how easy it is to say no.
Hey, Andy, would you have sex with me? No.
- It's just that easy.
- It's just that easy.
But what if you're at a party? I've had too much to drink, and I'm feeling sexual.
- Would you drive me home? - No.
Besides, this X-wing only has room for one.
Wish I could help you, Tanya.
Got to go home.
- [Imitating X-wing's door closing.]
- It's - it's - R2, set a course for Bespen.
Beep, boop, beep, beep, boop! - [Imitating X-wing's engines roaring.]
- it [Imitating laser fire.]
it's just that easy.
All right, this skit wasn't the home run I'd hoped it'd be.
Summer, why don't you take over and make this not suck? It will be my greatest theatrical challenge.
- Fairbell? - Sorry, I can't hear you over all these TIE fighters! Watch your 6, Blue Leader! I'm hit! Vrrrrrr! Ohh! I'm down.
Boy, what a difference a day makes, huh? Yesterday, this place was hoppin'.
Yeah, I can still hear them turning the pages of their favorite book.
- Yeah.
- [Sighs.]
A lot's changed around here since Cattie Goodman, huh? Even even you.
What is that supposed to mean? Nothing, just the old Abbey that I know she would have never tolerated a book banning.
She would have printed out a thousand copies of that thing just to shove them in my little face, but this is this is better, you know? Time passes.
People change.
They get older.
They get wiser.
Wait.
Do you think I look older? Oh, no.
That's I wasn't saying that at all.
I mean, in the eyes, I would say.
Oh, my God.
Quinn, you're right.
God damn it.
Screw Cattie! [Chuckling.]
Well, that's not what I was getting at, but, you know, I'm just the lowly janitor.
What do I know? Which reminds me I got to Windex those front windows they're not gonna Windex themselves, Abbey.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
Hey, Quinn Yeah, Abbey? The women's [bleep.]
is backed up again.
I think Julie did it.
Great.
Well, I'll get right on it.
I'm the janitor of the school.
- It's just that easy.
- It's just that easy.
Andrew, what do you say we go off script to spice things up a little bit? - All right.
Sure.
- Follow my lead? Okay.
- Hi, Andy.
- Hey.
Remember all that hot sex we had last month? Uh, we did? Yeah, and I'm late.
- Late for what? - My period.
I'm pregnant with twins, and I'm keeping them.
I don't care what you say.
[Chuckling.]
Okay.
So, what did we just learn about sex? Don't have it.
It's just that - easy.
- Easy?! Oh, you just hit it and quit it? You didn't call me for weeks.
Okay, I think the skit is over.
Oh, it's over because you say it's over, because it's inconvenient? No.
Not again.
It's just that easy.
Look at me.
[School bell rings.]
You look at me right now! I'm right here.
What was that? That was called "sexual chemistry.
" Don't you feel it? Look, you're, uh, super cool, and I appreciate the help, but I'm not looking for a full-time skit partner right now, okay? Just maybe as more of a friend hallway friend? We're meant to be partners for life.
I actually forgot I have to be somewhere.
[Chuckling.]
Sorry.
Got to go.
[Imitating X-wing's door closing.]
Kcchhhhm! There you are.
Halt all artificial dissemination across the entire e pluribus unum.
Are you Abigail Marie Rabinowitz Logan? You know I am, Williams Sonoma Shoemaker.
- What do you want? - You've been served.
What the [bleep.]
- Ha! - Sorry.
"Request to cease and insist.
" Wait.
Cease and ins That's not even a Oh, it's from The Law Bros.
That's correct.
You see, the copies of "The Turgid Dawn" that you're just printing off and bootlegging all willy und nilly that stops today.
Any further correspondences regarding my client will come through me ad infinitum, et al! Your client? Who's your client? The anonymous author of this.
Well, you're too late, because the anonymous author already revealed himself to me.
I hope you mean that he showed you his genitals.
No, he approached me earlier and agreed to do an exclusive "Q and A" with me after school.
Dumb asshole son of a bitch! [Thuds.]
It was actually quite simple eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, we die because we're tripping billies.
- [School bell rings.]
- Also, re-read "Turgid Dawn" and think of five new things that you love about it.
[Chuckles.]
[Smacks lips.]
Ahh.
Cat's out of the bag, asshole! - What? - How much did she pay you? - Nothing.
I paid her.
- What? I mean, technically, I traded for some medication her mom needed, but I was in Juárez, picking up scrips.
What are you talking about?! What are you talking about? I'm talking about you agreeing to do some "Q and A" in the library.
Oh.
Wait, no, I didn't agree to any "Q and A.
" Oh, you are so coy, [koi.]
I ought to put you in a Japanese pond! I'm out there, trying to bring us the money, and what are you doing you're out there, revealing your identity! I'm serious, Shoemaker.
I didn't do anything.
Someone's out there taking credit for my work.
Wait.
Are you saying that we have a Carlos Mencia situation here? Well, it's hardly that funny.
We have an impostor.
I should reveal myself.
Yes.
Now's the perfect time.
- Now, that's great.
- I'm tired of this damned anonymity.
- Yes.
- There's no fun in it.
That is a great idea.
And at what temperature shall we cook the golden goose?! God damn it, if I don't reveal myself as the true author, how am I to be the next Faulkner or Fitzgerald or Steinbeck? [Laughs.]
Oh, wait.
I got to remember that you're serious when you say [bleep.]
like that.
Listen, you need to stop what you're doing and let me do my job.
Then do your job! [Dramatic music plays.]
[Cup clatters.]
I tell you, sometimes, the abuse is not worth the 65% commission.
[Dramatic music plays.]
No, thank you.
I'm just doing a one.
[Breathes sharply.]
If you need it, I'm here.
[Humming.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
Aaah! Aaaaah! All right, if I seem a little out of it this morning, class, I was up all night because someone kept ringing my doorbell.
And then I'd go outside, and there was little animal skulls on the lawn.
But I thought of some fun stuff you could do instead of having sex.
Um, you could play, uh, video games to just try to forget.
Um, you could wash the sheep's blood off of the steps - that you thought was real b - [Singsong voice.]
Andrew.
- No.
No! - I'm here.
- [All shout.]
- Please, no! No! You naughty boy.
No, we only had pretend sex one time.
We need a stronger bond, Andrew.
We need a blood bond.
[All scream.]
Oh, no, please don't cut up my skin and live in it.
No! Aaaah! Aaah! [All scream.]
Aaaah! Aaah! Aaah! And scene! That's why you should never have sex.
What the hell was that? I don't know, but I'm never having sex again.
God damn it! First, Summer pulls a knife on Fairbell, and now you're doing exactly what I told you not to do! Y'all trying to kill me? You know, Cattie, I have tried to make you like me.
I have tried to turn this library into something that you'd be proud of.
But you you call me a witch.
You make fun of my hair.
You you put all my gang friends in prison.
So, yeah, yeah, I'm defying you.
[Chuckles.]
Well, you better shut this down, or I will.
Well, then, I'll call that reporter, Pam, and tell her her favorite whipping girl is now banning books.
Ohh! Is that how you want to play this, you dirty bird? Well, you go ahead.
You have your author unveiling because, as soon as Cattie Goodman finds out who wrote this trash, she's gonna hang him up by his filthy little fingers so he can't type anymore.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Cattie Goodman! - [Classical music plays.]
- Look at this.
This should all be for me the cheese and Martinelli's.
And I'm sitting here on the God damn sideline.
- [Whispering.]
Keep your voice down! - [Whispering.]
Then get me a Martinelli.
You want a Martinelli's, I'll get you a damn Martinelli's.
- Excuse me.
- Hurry up.
Hurry it up.
Thank you for joining us in our inaugural author series.
I haven't lined up any other authors, but I'm still aggressively tweeting J.
K.
Rowling, so fingers crossed for that, which is a wonderful segue to our next matter at hand.
[Chuckles.]
"Matter at hand.
" She is killing it.
It is my supreme honor to introduce the author of "The Turgid Dawn," Joel, um I for I forgot his last name.
You know, I never got his last name, so just Joel.
[Cheers and applause.]
Sit! Sit down! [Cheers and applause.]
[Chuckles.]
Your ass is mine, Joel.
What's up, everyone? So, Joel, you are a sophomore.
You played freshman soccer, but not J.
V.
You have a "D" in English, and yet you are a literary phenom.
[Cheers and applause.]
Tell us about your writing process.
Aw, hell, just write what you know.
Oh, yes! - Oh! - Ow! Those panties should be thrown at me.
- And that would be a felony.
- An age-appropriate version.
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Chill out.
If you don't do something about this right now, I will.
I'll handle it.
All right.
First the Martinelli's, now this.
Abbey, real quick, I have a few Q's for this "A.
" Shoemaker, it's not really the time for No, no, no.
It'll be fine.
Hello, Mr.
Author, if that is your real name.
I'd like to know, how did you come up with the character of Brock Ranger? Oh, well, that was easy.
I just looked at myself and made him a bit taller.
[Laughter and applause.]
Okay, no.
No, no, no.
I have another question I'd like to ask How long did it take you to write this masterpiece? Oh, just like a weekend.
[Bleep.]
That's all Shoemaker, I don't know what you're doing, but could you please take a seat? No, no, no, no, no.
I will do the talking here.
- One more question that I - This is getting nowhere.
All right, Joel, what does the word "turgid" mean? Oh, well, it's, uh [Chuckles.]
- What's that? - Uh.
It's like badass, right? Wrong.
It's not badass.
And Joel doesn't know that because Joel didn't write this book.
Oh, and somebody And neither did you.
- So sit down! - I will not sit down.
I've been sitting my whole life, but today, I stand, for it was I I who wrote "The Turgid Dawn.
" [All gasp.]
You did not! You did? - Yes, I did.
- Oh! Cattie: Of course it was him! Why wouldn't it be?! This whole damn place is one giant worst-case scenario! You got racist mascots! You got girl gangs! You got boy teachers dressing up as ladies! So, of course, one of Cattie Goodman's faculty is writing teen smut! It's not smut, Cattie.
It's the story of my sexuality.
Some people aren't ready to go all the way yet sure, occasionally, in a border town, but that's different.
That's a transaction.
[Voice breaking.]
But when it's an actual relationship, you always wind up getting your heart broken.
So, yeah, I like to [bleep.]
just [bleep.]
.
Excuse me.
Oh, I'll excuse all of y'all to hell! Not before you admit that this is a work of art.
Just ask Shoemaker.
What's that? [Chuckles.]
Hey, real quick, could one of you pull your car around, and I'll just leap down on [Chuckles.]
You know what? I-I'll just take my chances.
[Thuds.]
Did he just go out the window? [Chuckles.]
Did he just go out the did he just go Cattie Goodman's got a pain in her left arm! - Geoffrey: Oh, Cattie! - Cattie Goodman's got - a pain in her left arm! - Cattie! - Oh.
my God.
- Cattie Goodman's got a pain! - Cattie's got a cramp - You're gonna be fine.
- Cattie Goodman! - You're gonna be fine.
Well, what about him?! He's responsible! Mr.
Payton, follow us to the office.
Take off that scarf and those glasses.
And, Abbey, clean up this mess and don't be far behind.
- Get 'em! You get 'em! - We're gonna get 'em.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
I can take it from here.
You see, this requires firm hands, and I've got the firmest.
[Both laugh.]
Well, why not just take a minute for yourself over here? Sure.
Maybe let the old janitor clean up this place.
Yeah.
Hey, are you gonna burn this cursed school to the ground? [Chuckling.]
Oh, no.
I'll leave that to faulty boiler number 6.
[Chuckling.]
Oh! Loren, my off - Cattie's office, now.
- [Sighs.]
And you have really done it this time, Mister.
And I'm not gonna go soft on you.
You want to know why? Because prison changes a man! See? I got I got Quinn to handle this.
I fixed him.
I fixed the problems at Smoot.
Cattie Goodman fixed all the problems at Smoot.
Cattie Goodman! This is a travesty! You finished your book! [Laughs.]
Quinn, you're not you're not mad? No, I'm just mad it took you so long to get it done.
[Chuckles.]
Once I found out it was you, I just pretended to be mad to shield you from Cattie.
Cattie Goodman fixed Smoot! Cattie Goodman fixed Smoot! Yes, you did, Cattie Goodman.
So I-I guess you're probably gonna look for a new school to fix, huh? Oh, good idea, Tam-Tam.
Get me another feather in my cap.
Call the district, tell them that Quinn's ready to take the reins.
Whatever it takes to make it so I don't have to come back to this unholy lake of fire! Now, where are my write-up forms?! Because I swear to God, when I finally find them, you will die! [Whispering.]
Now, be honest with me - Brock's best friend, Hawk Remington - Oh, God.
is that me? - Probably.
Probably, sure.
- [Chuckles.]
I knew it was me! And that scene where you and I tandem para-glide over that topless beach that is just classic Quinn and Loren.
I mean, we've never done that before.
- You take care of yourself, okay? - Thank you, Tammy.
I will.
I swear to God, I am punishing you so good right now because you will never, ever do this again! - Tammy, one more thing.
- Yes? Tam, the third-floor women's [bleep.]
is clogged again.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I think it was Julie.
[Laughs.]
Julie did it.
Ooh.
Crazy-ass bitch.
Now, when can we expect a sequel? I am outlining.
Quinn told me to come in here, but did I just see Cattie drive across the lawn? Sounds about right.
Quinn's back in charge now.
And that's why you're gonna have to live in my house with me to have a positive male role model! He sounds angry.
Oh, it's all for show.
He's in there, tickling Loren.
- [Laughs.]
- Right there.
That's it, right there.
Why don't you go on home? I'll get you off the hook.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
[Sign clatters.]