Trollied (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

Valco! Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You can't beat our prices.
Just stop that now.
If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2 for 1s.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Grown locally.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco.
I wasn't ready.
Valco serves you right.
Valco serves you right! Hello.
Yep, it's me.
Back again.
Hello.
Hi.
Hold it really tightly by the legs, cos even though it's just a rabbit, it can still kick your teeth out.
I'm only camping for the weekend, I was just gonna pack some sandwiches.
And don't forget to use both hands to pull the gizzards out, they'll slosh everywhere, you know.
Cheers, mate.
Your money back if you can find it cheaper anywhere else online.
For one day only.
Thank you.
Even me feet feel pregnant.
That's it, my shoes are coming off.
What are you doing? Oh, my god, that is rank.
Get 'em back on, will you? I can't, it's because I'm on me feet all day.
Anyway, what's it to you? No-one can see 'em.
I can see 'em.
They look like a pair of party balloons.
Oh, charming! And whose feet have you got? Jessie J's? Just because you're pregnant, don't mean you can do whatever you want.
I've only taken me shoes off! Yeah, and what's next? Your bra? Don't be daft.
I've already taken that off.
For goodness sake, Julie.
I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were busy.
I'm not busy, I'm eating a sausage roll.
Do you honestly think that being busy is eating a sausage roll? I just thought that Here's a list of things of things I want you to be on top of today.
Nothing much, basic stuff.
This whole list by today? Don't be daft.
We've been sent a set of plastic hubs to try.
Surely that's a job for? For you, Julie.
This is a job for you.
Who's your friend, Margaret? This is no friend of mine, Kieran love, oh no.
It's going back to shop at dinner time.
It's faulty.
Can a plant be faulty? It's not had a single flower since I bought it four years ago.
Four years! Morning.
Oh, Andy, do you know about plants? This one never flowers.
I think it does it on purpose.
You want pig's manure.
I'll ask my mate, Leggy Frank, if you want.
He's got sacks of the stuff.
Oh, that'll cause a right pong.
No, I'll return it.
Can you actually take a plant back after four years? Well, they'll have to.
And if they don't I'll tell them I work for Watchdog.
Right, the Valco uniform might be a bit of a giveaway.
Oh, I never thought about that.
Oh! Here he is! The comeback kid.
Like a phoenix risen from the ashes.
Hello, hello, hi.
Good to have you back, Leighton.
It's good to be back to be honest.
I'd started to wonder if Valco had all been like a really brilliant dream I'd had.
But it's not - it's real alright.
It's all real.
Oh, are you tired, Neville? Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night.
Neighbour's Afghan is on heat.
Again.
Bloody dog.
That's annoying.
Yes, it is.
That's why they keep him in my garden really.
They both got work so, you know They keep him in your garden? Yes! Bit cruel.
Seemed much happier when he came in the house.
Didn't stop the howling, mind you.
Or the rutting.
Not sure I'll be able to save that sofa.
Stuff gets in the fabric, I can tell you.
Didn't think you were in today.
Oh, I'm doing cover, need the money so Ah.
Whose dodgy motor was that dropped you off this morning? Stu's Oh right Is he-is he your boyfriend now then? Not my boyfriend.
Not like that.
I'm just, you know seeing 'im.
Oh, good on you, he seemed like a good bloke.
Yeah he is.
Cool, I'd best get going.
Yeah, see you.
Does this smell of Febreze to you or something else Something saltier? Hmm.
Hi can I have? Good morning Vic, the usual? If you please.
How's that company car working out for you then? Well normally she'd be fit for a full five circuits of Valco but Ian's got his phone plugged into the top-up point, so I'm keeping it brief today.
I'd be tempted to drive her home the quick way but I don't much fancy my chances on the A57! Indeed.
Well you take care anyway.
Yes, my love? Mind you I've had worse journeys home.
October, 1943.
Bugger Bugger! Hello.
Oh, Leighton.
I saw you were on the rota today.
It's good to have you back.
Yeah, yeah, Julie? I just wanted to say, I know it wasn't your fault Sacking me.
I know it wasn't you.
Right, thanks.
She's really horrible, isn't she? It would be highly unprofessional of me to call another member of the management team a nasty, mean-spirited, controlling old bitch.
So I'm afraid I couldn't possibly comment.
Oh right.
Loud and clear.
I couldn't possibly comment either.
Anyway best make yourself useful and pack some bags before the ice queen catches you.
Okay, I'm all over it like a pair of shoes.
Oh, bugger.
OH! Bloody casters.
Everything alright, Julie? Oh, you know, one of those days.
Arrrgh! I can do it! It's alright to ask for help you know, Julie.
I'd have never got to where I am today without asking for a little help.
Yes, you're right.
Admittedly I might not be divorced either.
Oh, the wife hated it when I asked for help.
Especially when we were making love.
Drove her bananas.
Still, what can you do? Thanks, Neville.
Hello? Helllooooo? Anyone? You wanna watch out having a proper-named boyfriend.
He's not me boyfriend.
Did you have to tell her? Have you shagged him yet? Can you stop talking now please? You haven't, have you? And he's still sniffing about? Oh, he's in it for the long game, I know his sort.
Oh and you'd know, would you? Oh yeah, starts out all romantic.
He's buying you Lambert and Butlers without asking.
Next thing you know, you're being investigated for benefit fraud and he's moved in with your aunty.
Wow.
Because we've all been there, right? Just telling it like it is, alright? I tried doing this in my mum's kitchen but I just didn't get the same buzz.
She doesn't stock enough cornflakes.
In fact she doesn't stock any because me and my brother aren't allowed high glycemics.
You know I could just knock one out just thinking about her, man.
My mum? - No.
- No.
Lorraine! Lorraine? Look, I've got to be straight with you.
There's simply no way I can get all this done in one shift.
Well, gosh Julie, maybe I have given you too much to do.
Oh, perhaps a little bit, yes Maybe, maybe you're just not cut out for management.
Management? Of course I Maybe you were better suited to the tills.
Shall we send you back there and see? Come on Lisa, shift yourself.
Are you being serious? Deadly.
Well, go on, Julie, what you waiting for? Oh, just forget I said anything.
I'm fine, honestly.
Tills too much for you too, are they? Hmmm? Well? I just wanted some chips cos Alan says we've run out.
And I said, "Well we're only having cold tonight.
" And he says, "well you can't have cold without chips.
" But I mean, I could come back later.
You're alright love.
Well go on, say it.
You know the drill.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Brilliant.
I was only joking, kid.
Don't tell me you can't take a joke either? All I wanted to say was Fabulous.
Did you see that, Lisa? She's like a well-trained, little puppy, aren't you, Julie? You are, aren't you? Aren't you? Yes, you are.
Come on Bark for us, little doggy, bark.
Go on, give us a little woof.
Go on then! Woof.
Oh.
Louder, please, little doggy.
Woof, Woof.
Louder.
Woof! Ah ha ha ha! Aaah, that's made my day.
Come on everyone, back to work.
I don't pay you to stand around sniffing each others' arses.
No offense, Julie.
You alright? I'm fine.
Eh, snap! I love a pie and a Yop! It's like having your dinner and your pudding at the same time.
You're not wrong about that.
You're not wrong about this either.
It's bloody brilliant.
You're powering through it then? I can speed read.
Take one look at a page and bosh, it's in there.
That's amazing.
Comes in useful when I'm building my model boats.
I take one look at the manual and I know exactly what to do.
Don't tell me you're into maritime miniature reconstruction.
Me too.
What scale? I've literally taken up the whole loft with it.
My husband calls it "the docks".
Drives him mental.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Well, best be getting back to it.
Anyone fancy a pint after work? Depends on if I'll be listening to two blokes banging on about toy boats.
You're on.
Eh, I'll bring some photos of my Orca patrol.
A thing of beauty.
Ha ha! Aah, top bloke! What a sense of humour! What was all that stuff about "husband"? Yeah, he's married.
Why didn't he say wife? Why did he say Ian's gay? And he got there.
Ian? Gay? Ian is gay? Ian? Yeah.
Everyone knows.
Yeah, but we've got so much in common.
I mean not that that matters, but, you know, it's just well.
Maybe you've got more in common with him than you think.
Yeah, maybe it's not just toy boats that you both take a fancy to.
Give over, you silly sods.
Julie Cook to the manager's office please, Julie Cook to the manager's office.
Thank you.
Yeah, I know.
Well that's what happens when you promote from within, you see.
Yeah, it's a closed gene pool, isn't it? Ha - ha ha ha! Would you hold on a moment, Keith Yes, Julie, what is it now? The tannoy, you called.
That was ages ago.
I did it myself.
Is-is that Keith from HR? It might be, it might not be.
Now if you will excuse me, I am on a call.
Sorry about that, Keith.
You're confusing him with someone else.
You're thinking of Bartek, tall, Polish lad, works nights.
I'm not! I think you need to fix your gaydar.
Might come in useful, one day.
Just because I share interests with men, doesn't mean I want to share a bed with them.
Oh I've been on a right goose chase.
How do you mean? Well, the plant shop.
It's gone.
It's been replaced by a BetFred.
Shocking.
Well, what am I suppose to do with this now? Never mind, it might come out in flower one day.
Yeah it's not the only thing that might come out is it? Shut your gob.
You're thinking about her again, aren't you? There is no "her"! You're talking shit mate.
Looks like you're in need of Leighton's love formula.
Mm.
Like a bullet in the bollocks.
Yeah, um, so try to imagine you're both travelling at the speed of light where you going? Got my own technique, ain't I.
Tried and tested, mate.
Just like that.
Alright, let's say for the sake of argument, I am gay.
There'd be benefits.
Less clutter in the bathroom.
One bottle of shower gel'd do you both.
No more dinner parties with neighbours you hate.
Course, there's the delicate matter of getting serviced once in a while.
But from what I hear, once you're married, all that stops anyway.
Er, not in my experience.
Oh, please no.
My Alan is always very thorough in that department.
He prides himself on it.
Now steady on, Margaret! Once a year, as regular as clockwork, that Volvo goes in to Mike at MJ Motors.
And he gets the manual stamped to prove it.
Oh, thank God for that.
Hygiene check in bay 2.
Air filter monitor on bakery draught excluder.
I'll never do it! I'll never do it! Excuse me, do you know where the dog food is? Why are you asking me? Do I look like a dog to you? Right.
Takeaways every night.
Fridge permanently stocked with beer.
History Channel on 24/7.
Andy, you're not gay.
You've just met someone who likes the same things as you and you want to hang out with him.
End of.
Well, that's his loss, not mine.
Rest in peace, plant.
Are you sure you want to do that? Well, it's only got itself to blame.
What's Julie doing? Do you think we should call Gavin? Oh, heads up! Anyone seen Julie? Come on people, Julie.
You know the one, 'bout yey high, blonde dormouse in a nylon pencil skirt.
Who's it you looking for? Julie? Try the freezer aisle.
I saw her helping a customer to the oven chips.
Freezers? Right you are.
You alright, Julie love? Shall we pop to the canteen for a nice cuppa tea, cos you look a bit, er tired.
I woofed.
She made me woof.
She did woof.
I heard her.
But it weren't of your own accord, love, and that counts for something.
She's having another one of her episodes.
What kind of idiot woofs? Idiot, idiot, idiot woman.
Come on Julie, let's get you up, shall we.
Alright, hold on tight, we're going to go for a nice little ride.
There we are.
Oi.
I couldn't, I couldn't even get a semi.
No way! There must be summat wrong with me.
You're like Wall-E.
What? You know the robot that tidies stuff up, and falls in love with another robot? No.
I haven't seen it, mate.
Oh, it's amazing.
Yeah, it made me want to be a robot for a while, but then I realised robots don't watch films, so if I was a robot, then I wouldn't be able to watch Wall-E.
Hmm.
Er, how slow are you two? It's like watching a couple of monkeys trying to unpack a suitcase.
Oh, ha ha.
Well, usually we'd be done by now, but Colin's in Ah ha ha ha! Oh, he's a fucking wind-up merchant, this one! Couple of dog's dicks.
Oh.
My.
God! I've just realised! I swear, you say one word Wall-E did watch films, so I could still be a robot if I wanted! Yes.
Such a freak.
Oh, and erm, don't worry, I won't tell anybody you're in love with Lisa.
You! Where is she? She's here.
She won't budge.
Seriously, we've tried everything.
Julie! Julie, look who's here.
Hello, Julie! It's Gavin.
I'm going to need some help here.
Thank you Margaret.
Okay.
It'll be Lorraine that's done it.
Tipped her over the edge.
Good job we rescued her.
Well, you can't just abandon people, can you.
What you doing? Same goes for plants.
Looking better already.
My Alan won't believe his eyes when he sees us two walking through the door.
Come on then you, cheeky.
Home time.
Night night, love.
Night.
I've got you something.
Ta-daaaa.
To keep your fat legs raised.
Aah, thanks.
What do you mean, fat legs? Oh my God, it was just a slip of the tongue.
Do you want the chair or not? Er, I do, actually.
Oh! Yes.
Helloooooo.
Only me.
Gavin.
What a surprise.
I wasn't expecting you till, next Thursday, isn't it? Yep, yep that's right.
Much looking forward to it.
No, I'm er, here about Julie.
Julie! Ugh.
What's she done now? I'm afraid I've had to send her home.
She seemed a little under the weather.
Anything happened to her lately that you think might have unsettled her? Not that I can think of, but then you know Julie.
Well, I think I might stick around a bit, lend a hand.
There's no need.
Oh, I think there is.
So was she still woofing when you found her? I'll tell you everything in the pub.
Oh, I can't.
Why not? Come on, you've got to.
Watch Andy have his big date with Ian.
I can't, I'm meeting em Your boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend.
He's my friend.
Yeah, me and Emma used to be friends.
You'll be walking down the aisle before you know it.
Bloody hope not, I've got a bit more living to do first, thanks.
Not that I mean marriage isn't living, I just mean, it's not what I'm after, although for some people it's great.
Like for you and Emma, for example.
Cheers.
See you tomorrow then.
See you.
You ready for that pint then? Absolutely.
Hey, before we go, you do know I'm not gay, don't you? Yeah.
I'm happily married.
No, I was just thinking, if I was gay, which I'm not, you'd be just the sort of bloke I'd go for.
Thanks, pal.
I appreciate it.
We'd make a right couple, wouldn't we? Well What? What does "well" mean? You're not really my type.
Yes, I am.
No you're not.
Look, just to be clear, you do know this isn't a date, don't you? Of course.
Obviously.
But if it was, it would be a really good one.
The best date you've ever been on.
I'm just saying I'm telling you, after tonight, this'll definitely be in your top ten, top five even.
It's not a date.
Yeah, I know.
But I'm saying if it was Top five.
You mark my words.