Up All Night (2011) s02e07 Episode Script

No joke, I fell asleep while packing.
Did you also fall asleep while putting on your clothes, honey? 'Cause you're wearing a deep "v" and my pregnancy pants.
Hm.
I thought I was wearing capris.
Why would I be wearing capris? I've never even said the word "capri.
" I'm so tired.
I know that flying early sucks.
But you got out of bed.
That's half the battle, right? - [Yawns.]
Yeah.
- Happy Thanksgiving, honey.
Where's the baby push car? The stroller's already in the car, along with the pack 'n play and Amy's snack backpack.
I really do feel like I cracked the code this year.
I think that by traveling on Thanksgiving day, it gives you everything that you love about the holiday Hanging with your family, and the touch football, and the eating your aunt rose's stuffing And it eliminates everything that I hate about Thanksgiving, which is the stupid traffic, and the stupid long lines at the airport, and the cooking all day.
Suck it, last year.
- You're so sexy when you gloat.
- Hm.
- All right, baby, it is go time.
- Yeah.
So you can put on some man pants at the airport and I need you to go get Amy, and I am going to confirm our seats, all right? So, uh, which row do you want all for yourself? 'Cause, uh, get ready for one of those empty flights where we really get to know our stewardesses.
"Would you like some free champagne because it's Thanksgiving?" "Why yes, Carol, from our Philadelphia-based flight crew.
" [Baby whimpering.]
to lift off here.
[Alarm beeping.]
I want to thank you so much for making this all happen, babe.
Thanksgiving with my family this year is exactly what I need.
[Alarm toning.]
Our flight's been cancelled.
[Alarm blaring.]
[Baby crying.]
Oh, no, baby.
Oh, no.
[Upbeat music.]
all right, you guys.
Well, have fun.
- Really miss all you guys.
- Come home soon, uncle Chris! Bye.
All: Happy Thanksgiving! Honey, I know it was my stupid idea to fly on Thanksgiving, but Let me make it up to you, okay? Let me let me make you the greatest Thanksgiving dinner you've ever had.
Come on, babe.
You hate cooking.
It's okay.
I know, but I'll keep it simple.
Look, I'm sure that we have plenty of - Mustard? - And bread butts.
Okay, we'll go to the store.
We'll get a turkey.
I will cook your aunt rose's stuffing.
It'll be just like Maryland, all right? I'll even find a vaguely racist guy to go sit in the recliner with a bomber jacket on.
Uncle Dennis.
I just wish your dad was here to carve the turkey.
I mean, who's man enough to take his place, you know? I mean, I'm gonna be busy cooking and Amy is just a little bit too short.
I know what you're doing, and it worked.
- Yes, I will carve the turkey.
- Yay.
- All right, let's do it.
- Okay, good.
Wait, you've cooked You've cooked a turkey before, right? Uh-uh.
All right.
This is how you celebrate Thanksgiving.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Last year, my roommate and I split a quizno's party sub.
But this year, you'll be enjoying the hotel's gold star pilgrim feast, apparently featuring the turkey Obama pardoned last year.
- Oh.
Excuse you.
- Who knew? I'm so excited.
I haven't eaten anything in the last 12 hours except two Jack and cokes and a pocketful of craisins.
Mm.
So what about you, Patty? What have you got on tap for Turkey day, hm? I gotta work all day.
I'll probably have my ziploc bag of kettle chips, then start my second shift scrubbing all the dead skin out of the foot tubs.
Ooh, bourbon-infused pecan pie.
Yumskis! [Chuckles.]
Heh.
You know, Patty, growing up I spent thanksgivings fighting over a bag of turkey jerky with my four stepbrothers at the dog track.
So I think I know a lot about the words "hard" and "times.
" - Change of plans, Walter.
- What? Let's go find some people in need - and offer them some charity.
- But I'm hungry.
Everyone! I'm giving everyone the day off.
Normally our supervisor dismisses us.
Let's give back! [Clattering.]
Um, you can write this off, I'm sure.
Thank you.
Okay, so we are down to this little bird or this 35-pound big lebowski over here.
Well, my aunt's stuffing recipe calls for a 12-pound bird Right.
- So I guess if we take 1 1/2 - But if it's 77 ounces and if you add the 12 There are 10 ounces in a cup, or is it 8? I don't know, I'm just saying numbers till you figure it out.
All right, grab the little bird - and I will grab the corn.
- Okay, w Old lady slippers, so silent.
We never stood a chance.
All right, grab it.
Grab it.
Grab the big lebowski.
Grab it! Oops! Whoa! That was such an accident! How'd that happen? Babe oh, my God.
This thing is enormous.
- It's like a giant shaved hobbit.
- Did you get it? I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Bring the cart.
Gobble, gobble.
Waah! Honestly, I'm not weak, and this thing is [Laughs.]
Wow, we just stole that turkey from the lead singer of Motorhead.
[Laughs.]
Padre! We are the angels you've been praying for.
- Huh.
- We are the volunteers! [Cell phones ringing.]
Gosh, I've never seen so many needy people with bluetooths.
Oh, no, these people are waiting to volunteer.
We get a lot of extra help on Thanksgiving.
But if you'd like to come back next weekend, - we'll definitely need people.
- Great! We'll just head back to the hotel and pray over some pinot grige and a bowl of mussels.
Thank you so much.
Come on, Ava, let's go.
Walter, no! Eat some pocket craisins.
- I want to volunteer now.
- This is all I've been eating.
You know what they say in the Bible, when one door closes, you must trespass against them.
Ava, my pocket craisins! Oh, for God You know, I wanted oh! Gene and Terry! Gene and Terry! Oh, no, no! Oh, God.
Oh! - So sorry.
- Honey, what are you doing? - My knee hit it.
- Okay, just Our excuse for turning down their Thanksgiving invitation was that we were gonna be in Maryland.
- I know.
- If they see us I just want it to be the three of us.
Oh, God, okay.
Gene Amy's been home alone'd! Amy, you're gonna be okay! - Smash the window, Gene! - Way ahead of you! Get back! Get back! [Grunts.]
Do not smash! Do not smash! Do not smash! Do not smash, we're here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you guys doing in town? Um, our flight got cancelled, so That's why you never fly on Thanksgiving, sillies! Thanks for the tip, ter.
Hey, Gene, just either put the sweater back on or take the dickey off.
Wish we'd known you were around.
We would have invited you.
We just ate.
You ate Thanksgiving dinner at 11 am? You know how Gene likes to get a head start on Christmas! - Oh! - Oh, yeah.
Well, there's always next Thanksgiving.
Yeah.
Both: Oh! Unless of course, we're in Maryland, which - Which we will be.
- We will be for sure.
That's already that's booked.
That flight's not cancelled.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay! - See you guys.
- [Sighs.]
- Okay.
I really wanted to smash that window.
All: 16, 17, 18, 19, 20! Ha ha! - Whoo! - All right! - Scott! - Hey.
What's going on? Aren't you guys supposed to be in Maryland? Hey, aren't you not supposed to be doing keg stands in our house? Yeah, our flight was cancelled.
That is why you never fly on Thanksgiving day.
Thank you, stranger in my house.
I'm sorry, you're right.
We're being very rude.
- Keg stand, my lady? - No.
Easy, Paul, easy.
Listen, I'm sorry.
Connie has Kyle for this Thanksgiving, and I just thought I'd get some of my divorced dad bros together so we could focus on fun, but the common room in our condo is being used for a wake, but You're right, sorry.
Uh, hey, dudes.
New plan.
We're gonna get some 'za.
The sneaky's pizza on van nuys is open.
Boy, that sounds bleak.
Honey, come on.
It's Thanksgiving.
I mean, we can't let them go and have 'za at the sneaky's on van nuys.
Are you sure, honey? Because it's supposed to just be us for Thanksgiving.
Well, you know, the big lebowski can feed a few more people.
It'll just be the Seven of us.
All right, guys? Change of plans.
No sneaky's for you.
You're gonna have Thanksgiving dinner here.
- Hoo-hoo! - Yeah! Come on! Keg stand.
- No.
- Roger that.
She does not want to do a keg stand.
Anybody need this, or It all smells delicious.
Just can we just squeeze in here and help out.
- Good person coming through.
- Excuse me! - Yes.
- I am on mashed potatoes.
Yes, you are.
You're doing a wonderful job.
Here we go.
Let me help you there.
And plop! Oh, Ava, look.
Look.
I'm like Patrick Swayze from ghost with these tongs.
[Laughs.]
Oh, this ham looks luscious.
Let me just Oh, this feels so good.
Volunteering, giving.
We can do some carrots.
Here, for your eyes.
Carrots.
You just made me fling carrots all over the floor! - All right - Did you just take a tone? - I heard a tone.
- Yeah.
Of all the days and places on God's earth to take a tone.
- I can't - I mean Get your hands out of the food.
Can you tone down your tone, sir? And hand me that ladle.
There's a line of people who need gravy.
- I mean - Wait, no! [Clatter.]
All right, we need a janitor volunteer! Guys, we need a janitor volunteer! Janitor volunteer right here! There's some gravy on the floor.
Gravy on the floor! Cuidado! [Tv crowd cheering.]
I am gonna give you a clean cut directly down your breastbone, and then I am gonna spread your sweet meats all over a platter and then garnish you with some fragrant aromatics.
Hey, stop hitting on the turkey.
The best Thanksgiving ever.
Right? Right? - Come on! Let's get her in.
- Yeah, let's load her up.
Load her up.
Load her up.
Here we go, grab the other side.
- Here we go, grab that.
- Yup.
Got it.
Oh, gosh, it's heavy.
I know, I know.
You got it.
In she goes.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Okay.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
- You gotta jam it.
Jam it! - I'm jamming.
I'm jamming.
- Jam it! - I'm jamming! Jam it.
All right.
We inherited the oven from my cousin Lonnie.
His restaurant went bankrupt after that lying waitress sued him for sexual harassment.
Yes.
Ahem, well, we really appreciate it.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
And, you know, we'd invite you guys over for Thanksgiving dinner if you hadn't eaten so early - No! We're in! - Oh! Okay.
Great.
So it'll um, it'll just be the 11 of us - Then, so - Yeah.
Gene and I had discussed when we'd get to share the holidays with the brinkleys, but we never thought it'd be so soon! - Aw! - You guys sure move fast.
Buy me dinner first, at least.
Oh, wait, you just did.
- [Laughs.]
- Okay.
that reverend had a tone.
I would side with you on that if this was the first time that you'd been kicked out of a church.
See, that was different because there was no sign that said you couldn't smoke.
[Laughs.]
Well, just don't let uncle Steve eat the entire cheddar ball.
[Chuckles.]
This guy eats it like an apple.
- Oh.
- Is this guy ever gonna learn? It's like no, no, no, don't let him do that.
Can we please just talk about this later? I need to give Chris the perfect Thanksgiving meal, now for 13, including those poor bastards.
- Oh, God.
- You should make enough for 14.
Because this guy's gonna be eating for two.
[Gruff voice.]
Hungry! That's what it sounds like when my stomach is hungry.
[Football announcer on tv.]
All right, guys, this is looking great.
Maybe we could just scale it down a touch? The headpieces, maybe, as I want to have room for the turkey.
Silly! Gene and I will be putting these hats on for the feast.
Yeah, we usually reserve the center of the table for the big guy.
- Gobble! Gobble! Gobble! - Oh! Oh, my God.
His name is Tom t.
Turkey.
- The "t" stands for "the.
" - [Forced laugh.]
Gene, no.
The butternut squash will dominate the whole tableau.
- Sorry, ter-bear.
Say again? - I don't like that bit.
- It's offensive.
- That's traditional.
- Wha I don't understand.
- People are hard of hearing! My grandmother was hard of hearing! Okay, let's not do the bit.
Let's just keep it happy-joy-joy.
happy joy! All right? For Chris? Please? How's it going down here? Got some super-duper happy holiday fun? Huh? I was just telling the guys how, last Thanksgiving, Kyle and I went to a pilgrim town and watched a old-timey lady make lard candles.
Oh.
Kyle told her they smelled like farts.
- And they they did.
- [Fake giggle.]
- God, I miss that little dude.
- Oh, Scott.
- I Paul, do something, okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, listen.
I know what you're feeling right now, buddy, okay? I get it.
I've been through it too, right? What you need right now is some good old-fashioned porn.
Here we go.
What? No.
'Cause Scott Okay, 'cause Scott said that it was gonna be an all-dude Thanksgiving don't worry! It's from the 80s, so there's a real story fine.
[Grunts.]
There you go.
Tell uncle Dennis to put some ice on it.
[Chuckles.]
All right.
All right, dad, I'll talk to you guys later.
Bye.
Maryland sounds like a real disaster compared to what we got going on here, huh? No.
They're having a blast.
Yeah.
No, they played football on the High School field this year with the real working scoreboard.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Brinkley shirts beat Brinkley skins, 17-16.
And they gave uncle Dennis mvp for playing through a chaffed nipple.
Oh.
You can play football here, can't you? Right? Hey, guys! Who's up for some football? Huh? Not exactly the frozen tundra of lambeau, but it'll do, huh, Gene? Lamb bone.
Yes! I just have to undo my hernia truss.
- I can do it one-handed.
- Not on Gene's team.
Get open on three.
Hut! Hut! Aah! Aah! Geno! Unh! It was harder to not catch it.
Paul! I'm open! No, no, no! No kicking! - I'm open! - No kicking.
I know it's fun.
Open! Open! Open! Open! Open! Open! - Here you go.
- [Grunts.]
- Okay.
- Not a chance.
Not a chance, 'cause she's a chick.
- I know, man.
- Take it easy.
- Here we go! - Doing a simple post.
Down and Guys, you can't all be on offense.
Great roll, Terry.
Great roll.
Jeez.
[Egg timer ringing.]
Okay, what timer is that? Ah.
Jell-o.
jell-o! And Walter, I think we just found our charity case.
- Please don't say it's me.
- Oh, it's you.
Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Right here! Right here! Can't kick the ball, Terry.
Okay, okay.
It's never a good idea to start the day with a Denver omelet and a schlitz.
[Groans.]
- Is he gonna vomit? - [Groans.]
'Cause if he's gonna vomit, I can't be here.
- I am gonna vomit.
- No.
- I'm definitely gonna vomit.
- No.
This day gets better and better.
I got hot coming through! Coming through! - Yeah.
Yeah.
Hot over here too! - Whoo! You know, you're not the only one.
Brussels sprouts are bubbling over.
Brussels sprouts, I'm on it.
- Who's on the brussels sprouts? - [Shrieks.]
[Crash.]
Oh! Oh! Brussels sprouts are down! Walter, help! I can't, I can't! The blender! I-it's smoking! The blender's smoking! Oh, my God.
What? - [Sighs.]
- What the? I couldn't find your fire extinguisher.
Oh, my God.
You knuckleheads are completely ruining my meal.
Well, you asked us to help you.
- No, I didn't.
- With your eyes.
Okay, just stand back! Let me get aunt rose's stuffing out of here.
- Oh, well that smells delish.
- Ooh.
- [Sighs.]
Oh, it does.
- Mm.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, you guys, that I'm so on edge right now.
- It's all right.
- Oh.
You did a really good job with the stuffing, honey.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
There may be up to three acrylic fingernails in there.
Ooh, I'll start mouth-looking.
Okay.
No, no.
Out! Both of you, out of the kitchen.
Out! - I want to mouth-look too.
- No mouth-looking! - Game was that bad, huh? - Nah, it's okay.
Got to see Gene's hernia bulge.
- So that was something.
- Oh.
We gave the mvp to his truss.
- Oh.
All right.
- Babe, you okay? It's, like, the football game was a bust and all the sides are burnt, and they're riddled with fake nails.
And now this turkey's probably just gonna be an enormous piece of awesomeness! Oh, my God, it looks like a magazine turkey! I know, right? Suck it, Maryland! Booyah! No offense.
No.
None taken.
They had it coming.
Are you kidding? All right, let's get this bad boy home, huh? Okay.
Okay.
Okay, I'm not I have a really bad grip.
- It's starting to slip.
- A little lower on your side.
You're getting turkey juice all over my sneaks, babe I'm going as low as I can go over here.
I can't it's slipping.
The thing is slipping.
[Car honking.]
Hi! How are you? Oh! Aah! - Five second rule, right? - We can hose it off.
We can totally hose it off.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nobody's gonna [Splatter.]
[Tires screeching.]
Oh, God! Did I hit your great Dane? It was our turkey.
You have a pet turkey? I wanted us to fly back east this morning and now Oh, my God.
Never try to fly on Thanksgiving! Okay.
Thank you.
[Car door closes.]
I know that now! - Hey, this is great.
- Everybody.
I am starving.
Turkey time! Oh.
Aah.
[Clears throat.]
Well, the good news is Reagan cooked an amazing turkey.
- Oh.
- Yay, mama! The bad news is that, thanks to the business end of a Kia Sorrento, the Big Lebowski has gone to be with Jesus.
But let me tell you, she did a bang-up job.
That sucker was the greatest- looking turkey you ever saw.
And there's a pack of dogs out there having a Thanksgiving dinner of a lifetime.
[Whipped cream sprays.]
I know what we have to do.
You want some pizza? See, honey? This is what working jell-o looks like.
See that? I mean, I couldn't even give you a Thanksgiving meal that the sneaky's on van nuys could give you.
Come on, babe.
Look, it's not that bad.
You got a cracked budweiser mirror over there and a cd jukebox with a freaky amount of Eddie money on it.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And I'm really loving how this creepy guy hasn't stopped staring at me since the second we walked in here.
You know what? Maryland Thanksgiving isn't perfect either.
Well, at least we don't have some vaguely racist guy hanging around.
hey-ya-ya-ya! Hey-ya-ya-ya! hey-ya-ya-ya! How!'S about some pizza? [Laughter.]
[Sighs.]
Yeah, this is worse than Maryland.
[Laughs.]
[Motor buzzing.]
- Damn it! - Whoa! Whoa! I know these games.
I used to rip tickets at a putt putt in Tampa.
You see, the claw game is a steely temptress.
What she steals from your wallet, she will not replace in your heart.
I'm just trying to get this unlicensed "curious Jorge" for Kyle, but this stupid claw has got no grip.
I'm gonna help you.
Paul! Other dudes! Get over here! [Laughs.]
Claw game keg stand! - Yeah! - All right.
- Who wants a mini soccer ball? - Me! And [Gasps.]
One unlicensed "curious Jorge.
" Oh, thanks, Ava! Any time, pal.
Yup.
That's what today is all about for us.
Helping those in need.
You're just eating a salad.
Oh, she's cute.
All right.
Okay, somebody get me out of here! I'm panicking! I'm panicking.
Get me out please! - [Clinking glass.]
- Hey, uh, guys? If I could Um, Scott? Hit it.
[Eddie money's two tickets to paradise.]
I'd like to dedicate this song to my beautiful wife Reagan, who tried and failed to fly me to Maryland this morning.
I've got two tickets to paradise aah.
won't you pack your bags, we'll leave tonight babe, this isn't exactly paradise, but I really love that you attempted to make today special.
'Cause you did succeed in that.
Also kisses to my beautiful daughter Amy, who thankfully won't remember anything about today.
[Laughter.]
Ava, you're an official member of the Brinkley family.
Aw.
And Scott.
You put "bro" in "brother-in-law," buddy.
Love you.
Walter, you well, you've got 1,000 island dressing on your face.
Oh.
- It's all bacon bits under there.
- Other side.
Honey.
Come on, wrap it up.
Everyone's hungry.
So now in the tradition of my father and my father's father before him, I will do the carving.
- Whoa! - Ooh! [Cheers and applause.]
Turkey sausage, unsliced.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
- Cheers, everybody.
- Cheers.
I love most of you.
[Glasses clinking.]
It's disgusting.
Makes you wonder who your neighbors are.
I mean, who would throw an entire turkey carcass in the street? Savages, probably.
Right? I mean, that's no way to behave in a society.
Come on, why do we have a neighborhood watch? If you see something, say something.
Yeah.
Did, uh, anybody see anything, or? - Nope.
- No? - Damn it.
- Aarrghh! Next time.
We'll get 'em next time.
- They totally did it.
- They are so weird.