Velma (2023) s02e07 Episode Script

1
Previously on Velma
- This is who I am.
- That's not true. It can't be.
Because it's not the unknown
that freaks me out.
It's idiots like you who ignore facts
and science that do.
What do you mean
Daphne's brain is missing?
Hey! Put me down!
I'm the serial killer.
And I will keep killing
until I get what I want.
- Who are you?
- We're your parents, Daphne.
In the wake of the revelation that the
serial killer is yet another woman,
Crystal Cove also elected
Merle Cogburn as sheriff.
I've experienced plenty
of tense situations in my day.
And now you die, Velma.
So, what'd you think
of my improv show?
But no situation is more tense
than when I'm stuck between
my mom and Sophie.
Front door is open.
You installed an alarm.
Afraid someone will wreck
your home while you're out?
It's so nice
you're able to drop off Velma.
Still no job?
Most of the time, keeping my mom
and Sophie apart is easy.
I can't believe you lost.
The Nate Silver jinx strikes again.
Hey, if you need anything,
we are here for you.
Hey!
Oh, Diya's here.
We're just not here
for you right now. Bye.
This is your newly elected
sheriff, Merle Cogburn.
Since we now know
the serial killer is a woman,
at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow,
all women in Crystal Cove
will be temporarily relocated
to the Crystal Mines.
How will the men know
when to get haircuts?
And is it all of us?
Or just the evil, manipulative ones?
But sometimes, keeping them apart
isn't possible at all.
So ladies, leave your
interpersonal issues at home,
'cause it's gonna be
tight down there!
Good morning.
I'm live at the Crystal Mines
as women prepare to move
underground with a serial killer.
Tell me, are you scared?
Or just kind of resigned,
like, same old shit
different day?
A mix of both. But we'll get through
this with organization, determination,
and highly functional alcoholism.
Oh, what a surprise.
The woman who took my house
is turning a blind eye to injustice.
- What's that?
- Go get my inhaler from the car.
If I die in front of
these other moms,
they'll never let you
hear the end of it.
You're not wrong about that.
Help me keep my mom
and Sophie apart in the mines.
I'll do your laundry
for a month.
A week. One load of towels.
But still. Please.
Pass. We suck at everything.
We lost the election and we didn't even
hear Daphne sneak off
to Gigi's cabin last night
to walk in the woods
like Hillary Clinton.
Dr. Perdue said Daphne would be back
in her body and home by now.
Hey, girlie.
Nope. Can't even pretend.
I'm back in my body
and everything hurts.
Okay, but why did
you leave that note?
You said Daphne would be home
by now. Is she okay?
Yes. But she's busy.
Have you found her brain yet?
Anyway, you need
to focus on learning
whether all the murders
are connected to Project SCOOBI.
I know, I have my file.
The one good thing about
being sent to the mines
is the amount of people
I can talk to.
But are you sure Daphne's okay?
We had a big fight
and I'm worried
that's why she won't
get on the phone.
Yep. She's not talking
because she's mad at you.
This is your fault, not mine. Bye.
Wow, this is really just so nice.
I love it and can already
think of so many uses for it.
But I'd really just
like to get home.
Is there any chance
you guys could return me
Now don't you worry, ladies.
You will only be in the mines
for 48 hours. Why?
That's how long it will take for
the killer to pick us off one by one?
No, Velma. Thanks to me,
we have a recording of the killer.
And now that we can focus on it
instead of losing our dongs,
we'll figure out which of you
is the killer in no time.
This isn't Merle's
first day as Sheriff.
It's his second.
Okay, but where do we go if we don't
identify as female or male?
Already thought of that.
I respect all gender identities.
And I don't want to get
yelled at on social media.
So I am paying
for you and yours
to skip town
for a couple of days.
The rest of you,
get in that mine.
Well, see you in 48 hours.
Until then, enjoy watching
a man in a suit do the weather
instead of a woman
in an extremely tight dress,
you dumb assholes.
Will you be okay without Mom?
- Do you have enough weed?
- Weed?
I don't need weed to be
away from your mother.
I need something much stronger.
Want some?
Thanks, but I need to be alert.
My hallucinations
may have an external trigger
and I'm gonna
figure out what it is. Oh, God!
I sure hope so.
Even I'm getting tired of this
Hey, my eyes are up here, pal.
What? No, I'm just
looking through your hole.
You killed me, Norville.
Oh, gosh!
Wait, that's it.
I know how to get rid of you.
Offering me tap water?
Fred, you trigger
my hallucinations.
And you trigger
my disdain for nerds.
No. Look, I think I hallucinate
because I'm the only one
who can tell you the truth.
My grandma couldn't
have possessed your mom
because my grandma
is still alive.
That's impossible. I've accepted
my mom wasn't great,
but no way she wanted
to replace my brain.
She was possessed.
Whoa, this is nice.
Throw pillows as far as
the eye can see.
Free continental breakfast?
These ladies thought of everything.
There's even a place
to brag about
how discounted the sweater
you just bought was.
Sure, but where do you complain
that the person you bragged to
wasn't impressed enough?
Oh, there.
Serial killer.
Sorry, I know we're jumpy from being
locked in here with the killer.
Just wanted to give you
your welcome packet,
along with your
chore assignment,
camping location,
and most importantly, drink tickets.
Mommy loves wine
more than me.
A Baby Babble Box?
Wait, right, you all
hang out with Sophie.
Yeah. We're in
a mommy group together
where we measure
our babies against each other.
I'm the precocious-est.
But don't worry,
we know to camp you two
as far from Sophie as possible.
This is campsite Rose.
You're all the way over
at campsite Frose.
Phew! I'm worried enough
about the serial killer.
I don't need my mom and Sophie
also trying to kill each other.
- Thank you for telling them, Olive.
- It wasn't me.
These nosy bitches are just up
in everyone's business.
Perfect. Once I get
Mom settled,
I'm gonna get
these women talking
like they just saw a trailer
for a new Jake Gyllenhaal movie.
Velma, speak up.
Muttering in public is low-class,
and I don't want to get moved
to campsite Canned Rose.
Hello?
What happened?
Where am I?
Wait, am I dead?
But I haven't even gone through
my blonde phase yet.
- This is unfair.
- Daph, you're not dead.
Your jar fritzed out.
Meaning you have
no sensory input
and are trapped in your mind
until someone finds your brain.
What? If this is my mind,
what are you doing in here?
I never think about you guys.
I'm a teenager.
I barely even think about
the parents I love.
Okay, but you put yourself in a jar
to figure out who you are.
And who better than
your birth parents to help you
search your memories
for the answer.
Literally, anyone.
And if I'm controlling this,
why can't one of you be Velma
and the other one a hot tub?
Oh, you don't think
we'll get to Velma?
I don't know what you mean.
You will soon enough.
Anyway, from this classic white void,
there's a couple of ways these
memory-inspired journeys can go:
trial, chased by a giant pencil,
go to a meaningful place
where each thing is a memory.
Oh, that one sounds nice.
- It isn't.
- The Crystal Mines?
Welcome, ladies!
Hope you don't mind sleeping
next to some old bats.
And I don't mean
the Chiroptera flying above us.
It's bad enough we're stuck down here
with the serial killer,
but we're also stuck
with the loser moms
because Sophie
got the good ones.
- Of course.
- Good ones?
In your phone, you have Maxine
and Susan listed
as "Evil gossip monster.
Do not answer while drunk."
And at least,
we're nowhere near Sophie.
- Velma.
- Oh God.
The cool moms and I
haven't seen Daphne in here
and I wondered if it's because
you guys are still on the rocks.
What? I didn't know that you
and Daphne were on the rocks.
You didn't? Weird.
I mean, it's been like that
since the seance.
Seance? What?
Velma, do you tell Sophie more
about your life than me, your mother?
How long has this
been going on?
Did I not tell you, the highest regard
you can hold for Sophie is
"aunt who gives good presents"?
You did. It's just sometimes easier
to talk to Sophie
because I actually care
about your opinion.
When I tell you about Daphne,
you just criticize me
and assume it's my fault.
Because most things
are your fault.
And it's my job to point that out.
I know, but talking
to Sophie never hurts.
It's like talking to a wall.
She only responds
in lame framed quotes.
Your responses are like framed quotes
in male dorm rooms.
- Aggressive and frightening.
- Excuses don't get results, bro.
Okay, I see what you mean.
And this whole situation
really is Aman's fault.
He's the one who told Sophie
I'd abandoned him
when I was actually kidnapped.
Maybe I could be nicer to her.
Thank you. And I actually have
something only you can help me with.
Fine. I guess it's time.
When two people
love each other,
or it's your
husband's birthday
No! I need to get info
on the murder victims from the moms.
But if I do it, the serial killer
might figure out I'm onto them
and go even deeper into hiding.
Yes. It will be like that other mystery
we solved together.
Who keeps forgetting
to feed the cat?
Who would have guessed
it was both of us?
I'm the serial killer.
And I will keep killing
until I get what I want.
I got it. I know who it is.
The guy sitting next to me
looks like James Marsden.
Of course. Now, any thoughts on
the serial killer's identity?
Fred, please,
you have to listen to me.
My grandmother is alive.
Yeah? Where?
I'd love to meet her.
Grandmothers love me.
I remind them of a simpler time.
She's wanted by the government,
so I can't reveal her location.
So I just have
to trust that she exists?
I already went down this road
with the Catholic Church, bro.
But hot nuns
are only in the movies.
Hey, hey. We're trying
to catch a serial killer.
- Quit squabbling.
- We have no choice but to squabble.
Okay, well, we've
been working hard.
I guess we could take
a little break to settle an argument.
But we're gonna
settle it like men.
- Endless litigation.
- No.
With the women gone,
I'm emboldened to revive
an older, more honorable way
for men to settle disputes.
Chili cook-off.
Wait, to figure out if my grandma's
alive and Fred's mom's a killer?
Works for me.
Each crystal holds a memory.
Though most of these are just you
doom scrolling social media.
It's when I'm happiest.
But I need memories that will help me
figure out who I truly am.
A popular girl? A Wiccan?
Maybe someone who
signs their emails, "Cheers"?
You didn't put your brain in a jar
to figure out if you're popular or not.
You want to know if you're
a good person or a bad person.
No, I don't.
I know I'm a good person.
I post on my socials
whenever there's an election.
Well, I heard Moira wanted
to get rabies from that bat.
A flying carrot?
Now I've seen everything.
How funny.
Wow. Amanda,
do you have
a precocious quip too?
Carrot? More like parrot.
Because it flies.
Remember, sweetie, if you have
to explain it, it's not funny.
Here comes the drama.
Cameras down.
We're not here to fight.
We've just realized we're
at a low-enough point in our lives
to start gardening
and have questions.
Really? That's great.
Gardening is such
a wonderful stress reliever.
It alleviates my anxieties, so I can be
a better mom and homemaker.
Happy to teach you.
Easy, Mom.
Then, sign me up.
Though, I heard the coroners
had the best garden.
Or does gossiping about the men
in town not interest you?
Are you insane?
The coroners' garden was incredible,
but they were so nasty
whenever I asked about it.
Can you be more specific
about their nastiness?
Where was it on a scale of one
to how we treat actresses
we feel are too famous?
They told me
to "stick to succulents".
And they only got meaner
over the past two months.
- They will not be missed.
- Well, neither will Father O'Rourke.
He pushed Sammy's baptism
a whole week
because of some "work thing".
Maybe we should've elected
the serial killer Sheriff.
She's taking out
the trash in this town.
Okay, not to be that person,
but as two people who were
almost killed by a serial killer,
this hits a little close to home.
- Who called the fun police?
- Yeah, Diya, it's fun.
If you're a sick freak.
A serial killer is never funny.
And she might not even be in here.
Our husbands could be dead,
and no one is there
to sprinkle cornstarch
on the blood stains, you monsters.
Thank you, Sophie.
You're right.
That was insensitive.
But looking at chore assignments,
we have all the help
we really need with meal prep.
Would you three mind scraping the bat
shit off the playground equipment?
Talk about a crappy job.
Why did you bring me
to this memory?
I've learned what
I'm supposed to learn.
Life is about the little things
and Christmas is important.
- Let's go!
- No.
We brought you here
because on this occasion,
you made a very important
moral choice.
It was either showing you this,
or every time you chose to eat meat.
Enjoy terraforming Mars, jerk.
But this was still pretty bad,
don't you think?
That seance did not go well.
And while I don't care
what people think of me,
I know you do.
So I really mean it when I say,
"sucks to be you."
It went badly because of Velma.
She's just jealous of you and had
to ruin something I cared about.
Like when she made me look up
"friendship bracelet
sweatshops Taiwan."
Velma does have a lot to learn.
Yeah. Hey, maybe we should
teach her a lesson?
What do you mean?
Let's go someplace more private.
Are you sure?
Stop doubting me,
that's Velma's thing.
No! Stop!
You can't erase the past, Daph.
Fine. But you heard me.
It was Velma's fault.
I was justified.
It's okay.
Your parents are no good.
Makes perfect sense
you're no good too.
But you're not even my parents.
You're just projections of me. See?
Oh, what the hell?
We were kidding,
but now we think
you really are a bad person.
Now some might call this
an act of procrastination
by a man who has realized
he has no idea
how to catch a serial killer.
But they would be wrong.
By more efficiently
settling disputes,
I will have more time
to find the serial killer.
Now you've all been
simmering for six hours. It's time.
And the winner is
- Fred.
- Yes!
Norville, it's decided.
Your grandmother is dead
and her ghost forced Fred's mom
to commit those heinous crimes.
This isn't fair. A chili contest with
a single judge is tyranny.
Mmm, good point.
Everyone, try the chili
and we'll take it to a vote.
Then we'll find the serial killer.
Yeah, I'm not procrastinating,
just being fair.
Norville's tastes weird.
Must be the sleeping pills.
Oh, hey, Diya.
Little cleaning hack.
If you scrub in
a circular motion,
you'll go faster
and tone your triceps.
You're welcome.
Oh, you just think
you're so perfect, don't you?
Oh, here it comes.
Well, I tried to keep them
from killing each other.
Perfect? Wait.
Are you mean to me
because you're jealous of me?
Of course. You have a career.
You made my house better.
And your baby's more socialized
than mine will ever be.
That's crazy.
I'm the one who's jealous.
Aman and I are total opposites.
I'm constantly worried
he'll want you back.
You're both grumpy,
and okay with bad dye jobs.
That's crazy.
You're perfect for Aman.
You don't even care that
he keeps his porno mags
in a box labeled
"Aman's treats."
Hey, as much as
I love hearing about this,
I'm trying to investigate.
Stop. You're only investigating
to get out of working.
Ugh! She always does that.
"Velma, unload the dishwasher."
"I'm investigating."
"Velma, brush your hair."
"I'm investigating."
No, you're right. Doing chores
is more important than saving lives.
That's why every kid
dresses up as Alfred
and not Batman on Halloween.
- Velma, don't be so thin-skinned.
- "I'm investigating."
It was better when
you hated each other.
You here to take
this job from us?
Oh, how far we've fallen.
No, I'm escaping some exceptionally
dorky mom bonding.
- I'm watching you.
- What? Who said that?
- Don't you recognize my voice?
- It's the serial killer.
Oh God! Where's Amanda?
The serial killer? Run away.
Hold on, Amanda.
Hold on, baby.
Oh, God!
What do we do?
It's okay. I have an idea.
As long as this rock holds
Crap. I'm out of ideas.
We got this. We just ran
to get our stun guns.
That's why Linda
yelled "Run away."
Sorry if it was misleading.
Stun guns? No,
it's Amanda down there.
We don't know
where the serial killer is.
Oh, my God. That was amazing.
I'd love a turn if there's time.
No, of course. Amanda,
where's the serial killer?
No killer.
Just me pretending. But I slipped.
Wait, you were pretending
to be the serial killer?
Why? And how?
I thought funny?
Holy crap. Do you
know what this means?
Yeah. It means that while
Amanda's still not funny,
this situation is hilarious.
Velma? Velma!
Why can't I find Velma?
Is it because I am bad and bad people
don't deserve good things?
Not at all.
I hit my wife's lover with a car
and the next day, found an uneaten
container of fries on a bench.
Velma!
What's happening?
It's because you can't
look her in the eye, Daphne.
Because my conscience
won't let me.
And only good people
are hampered by their guilt.
I'm good. Oh, God!
I'm good.
Which means
I have to tell her what I did.
- Crap.
- You finally get the point.
Pencil joke.
Okay, I learned my lesson.
How do I wake up?
Even if she never talks to me again,
Velma deserves the truth.
And I maybe deserve some sort
of award for being so good and brave?
Wake up?
Daphne, don't you get it yet?
You're in hell.
Kidding. But if this is
anything like a bad dream,
usually you wake up
at the worst part.
Don't say I never
did anything for you.
Velma!
Velma!
Oh, you were all holier than thou
while we were talking
about the serial killer.
Then you let your daughter go play
a sick joke like this?
She only did that to keep up with
your thirsty baby's early onset
theater kid disorder.
I'd be careful what you say.
I write blind items for
the gossip column of the paper
and I'm not afraid
to put you on blast.
Wait, you write those?
You told the whole town I huffed paint.
Only my family
is supposed to know that.
Wait, that's it.
- We know who the serial killer is.
- What?
Wait, is it you?
Because I raised you better than that.
No. I mean we collectively know
who the serial killer is.
Look, women
are hella observant.
We know everything about everyone.
So instead of attacking each other,
maybe we can use our skills
of observation to solve the case.
But you said talking openly
would tip off the serial killer
who, if she's listening, is super-hot
and cool and please don't kill me.
I think the killer disguised their voice
using a Baby Babble Box.
It could be a man.
Hmm, what happened?
How did I get back in my body?
The cockroaches
brought you back.
You really have
some fans in those guys.
They made you a crown
out of rotting fruit and hair.
- Do you want to keep it?
- No.
What? All I know is that
I need to find Velma.
Wait, Fred?
What's he doing here?
Where am I?
Norville, if you're trying
to human traffic me,
my dad already tried
and the guys just said, "too clingy".
My grandson apparently thought
it was a good idea
to sneak a friend into
my top-secret hideout
to solve a personal dispute.
Fred, this is my living grandmother,
Dr. Edna Perdue.
What?
Oh, God. No.
My mother wasn't possessed
and really was a killer.
That means I'm half-killer.
Or full-killer,
if you go by Judaism rules.
Norville, have there been any changes
in your hallucinations?
I think that worked.
She's fading faster than my dad
after one hard seltzer.
Yes. That did it!
She's gone.
Wait, what's going on?
What am I?
Let's pool what we know to figure out
how the victims are connected.
Does anybody have anything
I could use to tape this up?
- I have some thumbtacks.
- I have tape and glue.
I have six years'
worth of receipts.
Okay, so to start,
does "Project SCOOBI"
mean anything to any of you?
Yes. Don usually doesn't like
to talk about work,
but one day he brought home
the Baby Babble Boxes
saying he made them
at the office.
Project SCOOBI
was written on the box.
You said you invented those.
And you said you finished
that Jonathan Franzen novel
before our book club meeting.
No fighting.
A few months ago, I took my daughter
for tutoring at Mr. S's.
He was on the phone
when we arrived
and I heard him say
Project SCOOBI.
I remember because
I was staring at his mouth
and thinking
disgusting thoughts.
Hey, stay on track.
I'm a nurse at the hospital
and I was kicked out of the morgue
because the coroners
had an appointment with a lawyer
and all these other men.
Which is strange because
only surgeons need lawyers
for when they operate drunk.
Okay, so not only were all the victims
aware of Project SCOOBI,
they took a meeting
with a lawyer at the hospital.
Do you remember
what he looked like?
Yes.
It was your dad.
What?
Good evening.
Just moments ago,
the women exited the mines
facing zero resistance.
And now we know why.
What's more, Aman Dinkley
has been identified
as a person of interest
in the recent murders.
I'm not saying a thing.
He can't be the killer. I have an app
that tracks his location,
monitors his heart rate,
and records all his conversations.
He's lucky to have
found you, Sophie.
'Cause I would have
just told them to fry the sucker.
- Daphne, you're back!
- Velma, what's going on?
It's my dad.
He's somehow involved.
But, Daphne, look, I am so sorry
about what I said at the seance.
I don't care if you're a witch.
I don't even care that
you're friends with Amber.
I just want to be with you.
Velma, I have
to tell you something.
I really like Amber.
Okay
But I like you more.
And that's it.
That's all I have to tell you.
Cheers.