Veronica Mars s02e07 Episode Script

Just let me explain something to you.
Um, I am not mr.
Lebowski.
You're mr.
Lebowski.
I'm the dude.
So that's what you call me.
You know, uh, that, or, uh "His dudeness" or, uh, "duder" or "el duderino," if you're not into the whole brevity thing.
Veronica, you need to stop being the dude.
Stoner bowler doesn't do it for you? A little.
Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.
These lips? I've had them for years.
I can't do a thing with them.
Where's my martini, and why don't I smell a pot roast? Hey, you're watching "The Big Lebowski.
" Why didn't you wait for me? I didn't know when you were coming home.
Well, you know, when you asked me to move in, I thought it was because you wanted to spend more time together.
You just missed the supermarket scene.
And there's my room service.
Seriously, though, I was reading "The Third Wheel: A beginner's guide", and we should come up with some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.
Like "scram"? I was thinking, "awkward," but "scram" is good or "amscray.
" You're not my grilled cheese.
No.
Hmm.
Ipod girl with the waxy-eared boyfriend.
Small world.
Like this big.
My codeword will be "endurance".
Weren't we doing something? We were making out on the couch, and then that happened.
Dick and Beav's stepmom just came over to have a go-around with your bunkmate.
How does that not bother you? 'Cause I'm a guy? What? If he was in there with dick and beaver's real mom, I'd be bothered, but it's Kendall - she's like our age.
She's 25.
Yeah, but not really.
You know what I mean.
She's What? She's hot.
Like that's news.
Well, ass slaps and high fives to Logan for banging the hot chick.
Maybe she'll buy us beer.
I'd ask her but I think she'll be in there for a while.
What a difference a day makes.
You're in the pink, you're in the red.
You're on top of the world you're sleeping in the gutter without a penny to your name.
You've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet.
Last week, miss Mars was, as you kids call it, flush, with mr.
Casablancas breathing down her neck.
Well, the worm has turned.
Booyah.
Nobody likes an eager beaver.
Dick, where's your line? Yeah, hey, where's Dick inc.
? Well, uh, as you'll recall, I recommend you not invest everything in one company, and yet you put all your money into Casablancas realty.
Yeah, baby.
Keep it all in the family.
That's right.
Yeah.
Well, now you have nothing.
Mr.
Echolls Oh, Mr.
Echolls, I'm afraid that your stock has declined seriously, as well.
I'm not worried.
I tend to bounce back.
And Mr.
Kane well, maybe it's better he doesn't know.
This would be more enjoyable if I were good at it.
Any news on the bus crash, Woody? The sheriff has assured me he's working on it.
So you've seen some progress? He's following up on leads? Absolutely, absolutely.
I want to share something with you.
What's that? My vision for Neptune.
The election's over, Woody.
You sold your vision.
I promised a cleaner, safer Neptune.
Want to know how I'm going to get there? Incorporation.
Turn our little county seed into a full-fledged city.
Santa Barbara, Carmel, La Jolla, they all did it - upped their tax base, turned that revenue into antique streetlamps, cobblestone streets, increased sanitation.
I defy you to find graffiti in Carmel, Keith.
It cannot be done.
Here what boundaries are we talking about? South to the marina, north to the airfield, east to the reservoir.
That's not a town, woody.
That's a country club.
You're exaggerating.
in the city of neptune.
They'd need a chief of police.
The county would still have Lamb, twice the police protection.
Everybody wins.
I wouldn't even be able to afford to live in the town that I was protecting and serving.
We'd make it worth your while.
See ya.
Check in with the starter.
Check in with the starter, please.
Hey, are you sick, or am I going to see you singing "Twist and Shout" on a parade float? Call me.
Hey, remember when we made out against the sink, and you had your legs around my waist? Stop.
You'll make me blush.
Honestly? How much easier would your life be if you were indifferent to me? So much, since I'm really struggling.
What do you want? I don't know if you noticed that I got arrested.
Super fun.
This guy came forward, saying he was the and he's attempting to ruin my life.
I thought maybe you could do a little sleuthing for old times' sake.
Really? Could I? But why would you, right? Hey At least I got to enjoy asking you for help.
Old times' sake? Give me something I can work with.
The witness said I threatened him.
H- he's setting me up.
I need to know why.
What's his name? Hey, I just tried to call you.
I need to talk with you.
Hello um Logan wanted me to help him.
I'm not really thinking about that right now.
Lizzie gave me that hard drive to hide for Meg.
And I downloaded some of her files last night.
I just I wound up reading some of her e-mails.
Why is Meg e-mailing someone at child protection services? She found out one of the kids she babysits for is being abused.
Oh, my god.
She's been e-mailing this agent, trying to help the kid, but she doesn't have proof.
It's not sexual.
They're not beating him.
They're, like, mentally tormenting him.
I keep going through them, but she never says who he is.
We have to find him.
So, basically, he's between 7 and 10, and his parents are psycho.
That'll narrow it down.
She asks the agent if one of the books would be helpful.
They make him write these admonishments over and over, hundreds of times.
"I was bad.
I deserve to be punished.
" I think Meg has one of the books.
I remember reading that she stole one.
Well, then, at least we have step one get the book.
From a house where there's always someone home and they always hate us? The only time Meg let me come over was on sunday nights when her parents went to church group.
Then we'll go sunday night.
In the meantime, we have to figure out who Meg babysat for.
The fullers have a son.
And Mrs.
Hauser there was a neighbor, but I think they only had a baby.
Um the Martins had twin girls.
The Goodmans, this other lady, like, once.
She babysat a lot.
I think they call it a part-time job.
It's when you do this thing called "work", and strangers pay you instead of the allowance fairy.
Ah, the allowance fairy - elusive in Neptune outside the 09er zip.
Meg's parents are big on the "not being spoiled" thing.
Well, the Goodmans don't need a babysitter now that Gia's back.
And the others, I'll just have to convince to trust me with their children long enough for me to get a writing sample.
To compare to the book that Meg stole? Yeah.
After we break into Meg's house.
Pretty much.
Well, look who got an invite to the sheriff department's fund-raiser/bachelor auction.
Please say "Veronica Mars.
" Sorry, sweetheart.
You can't buy love.
Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can.
I'm wondering if they'll sell sheriff Lamb by the pound.
Hey, what's going on? She got you working now, too? The house and cars were paid in full, so we don't have to worry on that front.
Stop it.
I keep thinking it's an earthquake.
Unfortunately, in light of recent events, all of Dick's other assets have been frozen, pending trial.
Trial? Um the verdict's in.
Dick's off drinking mai tais on some beach, probably being fanned by the local natives with $100 bills.
He's not coming back.
As for the boys Dick jr.
and Cassidy each have a trust fund.
Sweet! However, you're not eligible to withdraw until your 21st birthday.
Dude, my 21st birthday is going to rock so hard.
I love you, daddy.
And? What about me? You don't have any separate accounts from Dick.
He didn't put any property in your name.
I'm their mother.
Can't I have some of their money? The only remaining trustee for the funds is their biological mother.
So, what am i supposed to do? I don't know.
What did you do before? Mrs.
Fuller? This is Veronica Mars.
I helped Sabrina out with that GPA issue.
Yes.
I'm calling because I'm a friend of Meg Manning's, and I'm trying to help out with her babysitting commitments.
I do.
I have excellent references, and I'm available anytime you need.
Yes, i do know CPR.
STDs will kill you.
Sexually transmitted diseases are no joke, Jane.
I wasn't laughing.
I sneezed.
See how much you're sneezing when you have gonorrhea.
This is important, useful information that you, trust me, are going to need to know about.
Out! All right, people, pair up.
You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it.
You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.
All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.
Yeah.
Let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.
I heard her husband left her for a man.
And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.
Mrs.
Hauser, mine's wrong.
Isn't this a flower? No, Gia.
Chlamydia is not a flower.
Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.
Your trellis is a whore.
You're very funny, Veronica.
Really.
You should know that about yourself.
Thank you, Gia.
I used to be funny at my old school.
People here don't get me.
I think your wit totally translates.
You think? I don't know.
I used to have a zillion girlfriends at my other school.
Here, all I meet are guys.
You know what I haven't done in forever? Just gone to a girlfriend's house and, like, watched movies and looked at her clothes.
You should come look at my clothes! You could sleep over.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Ms.
Hauser, I'm taking on new babysitting clients, and I know Meg used to work for you.
I am a working single mother, Veronica.
The last thing I need is a babysitter.
I need a clone.
I could be there to help out while you work around the house - give you a chance to throw in a load of laundry or take a bath.
The last thing I need is more time in the tub.
No sale, miss Mars.
Know when to fold 'em.
First semester at college, and Sabrina's top of her class.
She just flourishes in academia.
Here's your schedule for tonight.
You'll see I gave you a five-minute window in between each activity.
I gave you 30 minutes to get acquainted with Edwin while making cookies, then on to reading for at least an hour.
He likes to keep going until he finishes the chapter.
Then, he can color until bedtime.
He won't give you any trouble.
I think my fastball tired him out.
Stuart fuller.
Thanks for coming on such short notice, Veronica.
I'm happy to have the gig.
Oh, and there's a phone sheet on the refrigerator.
That has every number we could ever possibly be reached at, barring alien abduction.
Most important: no boys.
I know you're a friend of Meg's, and I almost let her go because of that boyfriend of hers.
This isn't inspiration point.
Give mommy and daddy a kiss goodbye.
So Edwin, what do you want to do? We're supposed to make cookies.
A 10-year-old boy who voluntarily washes his hands, who enjoys quiet time, and does what he's told with a smile.
If he doesn't pick his nose soon, I'm looking for wires.
How was your book? Good.
May I please color now? Knock yourself out.
Hello? How's it going? Disturbingly well.
I grabbed some old homework for a writing sample, and I'll snoop after he goes to sleep, which I'm sure will be in exactly 34 minutes.
I'm having a hard time picturing you babysitting.
Really? Maybe because it's such a Meg' thing.
You guys did it so much.
Are you all right? Yeah.
It's just a really big bug.
I'll call you back.
I said 10:30pm.
How you doing, Edwin? Good.
You need anything? No, thank you.
Your 911 caller, A.
K.
A.
Tom Griffith, is Dr.
Tom Griffith.
He is a very expensive, well-respected plastic surgeon.
I don't believe it.
There are no respected plastic surgeons.
That's not him.
Sure it is - "Dr.
Tom Griffith.
" It says there, right on the picture.
That's not the guy from the bridge.
What are you talking about? You told the police you couldn't identify the guy.
You said the whole night was a blur.
I lied.
Of course you did.
I didn't want the guy found.
I didn't know what he was going to say.
I knew I was free and clear if they never found him.
You have to go.
I need your help.
The guy's lying.
Go! We're a little early.
Hope we didn't scare you.
Not at all.
How did everything go? Great.
Really.
Uh Edwin's a dream.
Thanks a lot, Veronica.
We'll definitely call you again.
That'd be great.
We have a standing dinner date with friends on fridays.
Saturdays, of course, I'm on the boat by myself if you ever want to come by, smoke a jay, and fool around.
We usually do a day trip about once a month with my boss if you don't mind working on a sunday.
Um oh, I almost forgot.
Edwin drew this for you.
"Wallace, Wallace, Wallace.
Wherefore art thou? I know that quote doesn't really work, but you get the point.
Things that have changed in the 19 hours since my last e-mail I've grown 4 inches, changed my name to London, and have discovered that, apparently, I'm not the only love of Duncan's life.
You really need to start answering my e-mails.
This is a little too 'doogie howser's journal' for me.
" Does this seem like a good place for you to be standing? Sorry.
Just hanging some flyers.
Do you have references? I do.
I'm coming! God, I hate you.
I'm coming.
Cassidy? Dick jr.
? Mommy's here.
Where are my little boys? When's the last time you had a lunch like this? When I was a brady.
This is great, mom.
Really.
We're glad you're here.
And so quickly, right? I hope you see that.
You need me, I'm here.
All you have to do is call.
The only time I get to act like your mother is when your father's not around to stop me.
Wait - you know we want you to, like, sign something, right? Funds are running a little low now that dad's M.
I.
A.
I know, Dick.
And so like your father to think about the glory moment and I'm forgetting about the day-to-day.
Everything's got to be big and flashy.
It's all million-dollar trust funds, and you can't buy bread.
So you'll help us? Well, I don't know, baby.
It's a lot of money, but that's all there is.
If you spend it all now, there will nothing left for college or, god forbid, an emergency.
I have to think about your future.
Maybe we can come and live with you.
Dude! Stop.
Sweetheart, you know we spend most of the year in europe.
So, I like europe.
Oh.
No bark? Is it your day off? These are the snacks Albert is allowed to have.
He cannot have anything else.
No juice, no soda, no diet drinks.
If it's not in this bag, it does not go in his mouth.
Tell me you understand.
I understand.
We don't want television in our house, and I expect that rule to be applied here.
You can play with him, but don't get him too wound up.
If you do exactly like I tell you, he will be perfectly behaved.
Albert, this is Veronica.
Hi, Albert.
Okay well what do you feel like doing? I've got some games - I want ice cream.
Oh, your mom just said - I want ice cream! I got that.
However - aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaah! They only had - shh! Oh, look at that.
That's so unlike him to fall asleep.
I think he was bored.
Well, that makes one of us.
Come on, honey.
Come on, baby, come on.
There you go.
Come to mommy.
Ooh, that's a big - ooh.
That's my good boy, yes, yes, yes.
'Cause mom's got a date with the deputy with a name like Sachs, mmm! Veronica? Hi, I'm Dr.
Griffith.
I'm so grateful you were able to fit me in.
I know there's a lot of work to be done, and I'd really like to get started as soon as possible.
Uh, please.
What kind of work are you thinking about? Uh, well you tell me.
Well, that's not really how I work.
Okay, uh, well definitely implants - not like clown boobs, but like a generous "C.
" Um, and then there's the bump, and I think my lips could use some work.
You don't really want to have these procedures done? If you're worried about money, my mother said I could have work done for my 18th birthday.
Veronica, I don't want to waste your time.
Okay? There's absolutely nothing you need to change.
You're a gorgeous young woman.
I wouldn't perform a single procedure on you.
Dr.
Griffith? They're ready.
Oh, right, thank you.
Um, look, I have a surgery right now, but I have some literature I'd really like you to look over, okay? Okay? It's Logan.
"Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late - Ben Franklin.
" The good news is, I'm perfect the way I am.
The bad - your plastic surgeon is a mensch.
A mensch who's surprisingly on the move.
Another patient too perfect for plastic, or was Dr.
Griffith giving me the slip? Don't say I never gave you nothing.
Well, it's not on fire.
What is this? That's what you'll be wearing when you dust my armoire.
My mother signed over our trust funds.
Yeah, I guess she got used to life sans dick and beav and made sure we had enough coin to keep off her couch.
Beaver's, of course, heartbroken.
Me? I see it as a chance to bond with my new mom.
Dr.
Ego-stroke's emergency? Shopping for stogies.
After giving another five minutes for a half-hour, I need to get out of the car.
Can I help you? Uh, yes.
I am looking for a present for my dad.
Um he likes cubans.
Follow me.
Thank you very much, sir.
Yay, I'm so excited! Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You have to take off your shoes.
My mother won't let anybody wear shoes in the house.
You wouldn't believe the stuff you bring in from the outside world.
You brought your sleeping bag.
That's so cute.
Well I like to have the option.
Don't judge me from my ninja turtles.
Whoa.
Somebody likes their label maker.
Yeah, at least we know where to find everything.
Yes, like, the anal psychos are located right about here.
Great.
They kill their guests and steal their shoes.
Please tell me they kill their guests.
I have a surprise for you.
Don't peek.
My spidey sense is tingling.
Something bad is happening.
It's a girls' night.
Come, mr.
D.
J.
, Won't you turn the music up? Hey, mister please, mr.
Deejay tell me if you hear me turn the music up hey, mister hey, mister Oh.
That was perfect baby.
Oh.
It feels so good to be with you.
I just want to be with you all the time.
Uh, a bit of advice - when looking for a sugar daddy, at least pick the richest guy in the hotel suite.
I'm sorry, did that hurt your feeling? I can't believe you just said that to me.
Doesn't this mean anything to you? It does.
It means I'm getting laid.
And I owe your village a goat.
You know you can joke all you want.
I know we have a connection, Logan.
You know, it may have just started off as sex, but over these past few months, it's grown into something more.
Wow.
So your feelings have grown as your available balance has shrunk.
It's like science.
One of the problems of sleeping with your stepson's friend - information tends to leak.
I don't know if you've noticed, but you have a pretty good situation for yourself here.
You want to go back to playing grab-ass with cheerleaders that have just mastered missionary? See ya.
You want things to keep going the way they've been going, I'm going to need a few things.
I'm sorry, "see ya" was option "a"? Bessie, when the milk stops being free, I stop drinking it.
Then what am i supposed to do? "Frankly, my dear" - you know the rest.
I hope you don't mind.
It's just that I have this itch on my back, and I was hoping maybe you could give me a little scratch.
I have these fantastic nails should you need me to return the favor.
That's my little brother, Rodney.
He just had a birthday, hence the "thank you" cards.
Hey, Rodney.
He's a little weird but sweet.
I'm just going to mix these together.
Or will they hate that? Oh, no! Rodney, it's just water.
He's a little intense sometimes.
Oh, my god, you are crazy.
Her butt is so much smaller than mine.
Hers is just higher.
Rodney? Rodney! Your mother is going to be home soon.
I'm going to have to tell her about this.
You know the rules.
Don't worry.
We're not spying on you.
Come on, Rodney.
We'll get your stuff, take it to your room, and let the girls have their party.
Veronica do you know how to do dreadlocks? Don't you just love pizza? I ate a whole pie once.
It kind of hurt.
Pizza has more carbohydrates than, like, any other food.
Who's got the vodka? Bread has like 1,000 more carbs.
Pizza is bread, genius.
It's bread and fat.
Wait, I think I just heard my mother.
I'll go check.
Look at the hurdles G.
M.
Is trying to clear.
You ever think about just getting a job? This is my job.
"Pretty Woman" is still my favorite movie.
Vivian is, like, my hero.
She's a hooker.
Only because she had to be.
She's a hooker.
You should put a tattoo right here so people will have something to look at.
So, gia, how are things with you and dick? Dick? Like, my Dick? You dated Dick? Um, yeah, for, like, ever.
That's so weird.
We came here for the panty raid.
We're staying for spin the bottle.
I'm out of here.
When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.
Sorry.
I drive now and I'm not 9.
You'll always be 9 to me, going on 30.
Whoa, you two need to be alone? I know we had the smoking talk somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.
Actually, I think it was more of a sentence: "don't smoke".
and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Goodnight Moon".
Splain.
Oh.
I went into a cigar shop to use the bathroom.
Cigar shop on ocean avenue? Yeah.
Find other facilities next time, okay? The place is notorious for dealing drugs.
I tried to bust them about 20 times when I was sheriff.
No ski mask? You said, "wear dark colors".
We're not breaking into a bank vault in a James Bond movie.
I don't do this every day.
Well, after my brief stint with babysitting, I'm more than happy with the P.
I.
Life.
It's a sad state of affairs when I can't tell which kid is being locked in the closet, because all the families are equally cuckoo.
Hmm.
Poetry reading? Hey, uh, Kendall wasn't bugging you yesterday, was she? No.
Good.
Good.
Because, uh when I saw she was in your room for a while, I got nervous.
You know, I know how she likes to talk a guy's ear off.
She was just asking for my help with something.
We better get going.
Tell me they leave it open.
No.
I've seen Meg do this a bunch of times.
She always forgot her key.
Yeah, this isn't weird at all.
Um I'm going to start with the closet.
Do you want to start with the dresser? Actually, I'll bet I know where it is.
Giving away Lily's trade secrets? I think she got it from Logan.
I, of course, pass it off as my own.
"The path to god is paved with righteousness.
" People suck.
This is so neat and perfect.
And Rodney's is the neatest of the samples, and it still doesn't even come close.
What? This isn't little boy's writing.
It has to be.
Meg said - what if she was covering.
I can't believe this.
Shh, shh, shh.
Grace? It's okay, it's okay Grace.
They can tell if the door was open! They're not going to believe me! We're going to get you out of here, okay? Daddy said I'm not ready.
Grace you remember me, right? It's Duncan, Meg's friend.
Remember? I don't want to be tested.
Daddy said I'm not ready.
Hey, that's OK.
Grace? Can you come out, please? Grace, sweetheart? Yes, daddy? Go downstairs, please.
Yes, daddy.
Your mother's in the kitchen.
Get down on the floor.
Get down on the floor.
Why don't you just let us - Get on the floor! Honey? Call the sheriff.
I came home from church and found them in my daughter's room, rifling through her things.
We were trying to help Grace.
They've been abusing her.
Shut your evil little mouth.
They had her in the closet.
Nobody believes a word you say, you filthy lying whore.
Enough, okay? Stop it.
Up.
Get up.
There's a small room inside the closet.
He had her locked in.
Move the clothes.
I'll be back for a statement.
I want them prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
I'm not sure if they got anything, but even if they - what are you doing? You can't do that.
I'm the victim here.
You have no right to just come into my house and start poking around.
It's funny.
I heard my father give that exact speech once.
Out.
Let's go.