Workin' Moms (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

1 ANNE: Previously, on "Workin' Moms:" Oh shit! I got some news too, found a place today.
Would you pick up my dry cleaning? - Of course.
- Where are you going? Taking my daughter for a fro-yo.
- Can I come? - Sure IAN: I don't even recognize you.
To me it just looks like you're out on the hunt.
Jenny? This is the first date I've been on since my separation.
SONYA: You have consent to do whatever you want to do.
- Okay.
- Mm.
[MOANING, SCREAMS.]
Argh! I'm sorry I can't be your fucking sounding board about your shitty divorce to your uppity, sleazebag husband who you should've never married in the first place, Anne! Why did you marry that guy? [FOOTSTEPS THUD.]
This weekend is going to be amazing! Well, it better be, as apparently it was mandatory.
Well, jeez, I was supposed to be rooming with Jenny, but uh, she's MIA, so I'm bunking with you, Ian.
Ooh! Hah.
Okay team, let's find our rooms quickly, and reconvene on the double.
Oops, wrong whistle.
Is that a vibrator necklace? It was a gift from my condo board.
Oh, Ian, will you be a prince, and help me with my sleep apnea machine? - Your sleep machine? - It's literally a lifesaver, I have enough excess throat tissue that I could asphyxiate in my sleep.
Okay.
All right, here's the deal, guys.
First one who falls asleep, get a penis drawn on their face.
What, you guys never went to camp before? Oh, you're all gettin' dicked.
Dick, dick, dick! Dickety-dick-dick! I'm comin' for you.
Oh! Oh.
Hi.
I'm with the toddler group, I'm late.
I had to get a tennis racquet re-strung.
I'm dating an older woman.
- Your name, ma'am? - Frankie Coyne.
Well yes, you've uh, actually been upgraded - to a deluxe suite.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
- Am I like like, the millionth customer, or something? The upgrade is courtesy of a Ms.
Dorothy Cutwater.
- That is her! - Man, you should see her.
She is hot! Like, retired model hot.
Hm, a bit scared of her.
Wait, she's not here, is she? The arrangement was actually made over the phone, ma'am.
Thank you so much.
[BABIES COO.]
VAL: Everybody got their snacks, sunscreen? Fly repellent? - Really, Jade? Harnesses? - Back off, Val.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I made it.
- [BAG RUSTLES.]
- Healthy treats? - Oh, thank you.
- They're crazy balls.
Alicia, did you bake these? It looks like Mabel baked them in her pants.
They are dairy, nut, soy, and gluten free.
And they're fun! Well, we can certainly use some fun fuel on our big hike.
Is every mommy ready? Reminder: let's all collect sticks that best represent our families, and we'll present them later.
Tally ho! - [BABIES CRY.]
- Oh, hey.
- Okay, get up.
I'm going.
- Get up, up.
- [BABY CRIES.]
- Get up.
Up.
- You good? - Up.
Yeah.
[WAILS.]
I'll catch up with you guys.
- Okay, let's - [SCREAMING.]
Okay, let's just go back in.
Screw this.
[BIRDS CHIRP.]
Kate, come on, power walk with me.
- It's great for your muffin top.
- How long is this hike? I have no idea.
What?! [GROANS.]
God dammit.
I know the pee dance when I see it, - go for it, I'll watch the kid.
- Oh, thank you.
Ohh I wish I could piss like a man! I always end up spraying my shoes.
[ZIPPER RASPS.]
[PEE SPLASHES, STOPS ABRUPTLY.]
[STROLLERS RATTLE.]
- [SLAP.]
- Ow! Jesus! Shit! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Are you insane?! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Dude, stop! What are you, rain man? Get a grip! - I'm sorry.
- Kate! I hate what I said to you, okay? I think about it all the time, I wish I could take it away, I-I'm I'm a very nervous cyclist.
I have been trying so goddamn hard to reach out to you.
And not just to bawl about my weird life, and FYI, it is very weird right now.
But also because I wanted to be there for you.
Because we've always been there for each other, right? Right, of course.
Well, all of the sudden you're doing back flips, - trying to pull away from me! - I'm not, I'm just I've been workin' these two jobs, they're both crazy demanding.
What? Why are you working two jobs? I don't know, because I love what I do, and I wanna do it all the time, plus yeah, money.
Really? You sure you're not just trying to avoid your actual life? Come on man, I'm trying to apologize here.
Well, what do you want me to say? Thanks? Cool? Forget it? Like, what? Yeah, I don't even know how to be around you right now, you're-you're all You're just - What? - No, just Whatever, just forget it, okay? - Uh, are you okay - Yeah, I'm fine! So, are we cool? - IAN: Oh, okay - You doing okay there? So how's bachelor life treating you? Okay, I guess.
- Come on.
- [PEE SPLASHES, STOPS.]
- Complicated.
- [ZIPPER RASPS.]
I don't know, relationships are confusing.
Word.
You know, one minute you're having wild, submissive sex, and the next you're in trouble for not tri-folding the hand towels.
Yeah, I can't pretend to understand lesbian relationships, but that's pretty much how I pictured it.
- VAL: Ohhh! Ooh! Aaaah! - KATE: Val down! [GROANS.]
Guys, I swear I didn't push her.
I power walked over a stump.
I'm injured.
Please, carry on the itinerary without me.
Mhmm Val, are you okay? Can you walk? - I don't think so.
- Well, come here.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh god.
Could you pick up my hat? Hmm? [MAKES COOING SOUNDS.]
You like that? Yeah, you got it! There! All the way over! I finally get you alone, Rhoads.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[RHODA COOS.]
Shh! Don't you dare answer that! - Oh, no you don't! - [RHODA LAUGHS.]
No, you don't.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Okay, okay, okay.
Hello? DOROTHY: Are you touching yourself right now? Uh no, I'm playing with Rhoda, my-my daughter, Rhoda.
DOROTHY: Okay, just quick, quick, tell me, what kind of panties are you wearing? - Full butt? Thong? - Okay, well, I am I'm wearing blue, and Rhoda is wearing oh my god! [SNIFFS.]
Ugh! Okay, they're full of shit.
I'm gonna have to call you back, okay? Talk to you later.
DOROTHY: Okay, that's disgusting, Frank [KNOCKING.]
- [DOOR OPENS.]
- Oh hey, Kate.
Hey dude, you seen Anne? I really gotta talk to her.
Oh no, sorry pal, I haven't - I haven't seen her.
Oh, really? It's just I think she's avoiding me, which is very immature, it's like, we're grown ups, right? I may have said some things that I regret, but you know how it is when you're just like, opening up, and you're like, pfft! And then they're just staring at you, - and you're like, come on.
- Okay, so here's the thing, I um, care about you, and I'm totally here for you.
I'm just kinda dealing with a diarrhoea situation right now.
And it's not just the diarrhoea, it's like, I just really wanna spend some time with Rhoda, you know? - Like, I miss my kid! Hi, Buddy! - Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah Yeah, no, totally.
- So you haven't seen Anne? - Okay, um You know what? Maybe just do something nice for her.
Right, like, a little gesture of your friendship, or a present, okay, bye! - Well - Bye! IAN: Way to make the most of nap time.
Hmm.
Help yourself.
Thank you.
- Don't mind if I do.
- [CAN POPS.]
- Cheers.
- Mhmm.
How come no Kate? Aren't you guys like, you know, besties? Honestly, I don't know.
She can be a real dick sometimes.
Yeah, I can see that.
Things don't seem easy with someone like her.
Hey man, she just lost her dad, watch it.
Sorry.
Right.
Well, you know, maybe you gotta wait for her to like, go through it, and come out on the other side.
Like waiting for your kid at the bottom of the tube slide.
[LAUGHS.]
[DUCKS QUACK.]
[WOODPECKER TAPS.]
Need some alone time? I well, ahem.
[SIGHS.]
There's something wrong.
With my thing.
It hurts when I pee.
Well, it sounds like you've got an STD.
- No! - I've got something.
Here, here, hold! Hold.
- Okay.
- [WATER SPLASHES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Where was this before your STD, am I right? Yeah, yeah H-h-hands up Ha! Hey! Welcome to high tea, everyone.
I trust you found your place according to my seating arrangement.
She's finally eating the crazy balls.
Right, they're yummy, right? Because you can't have any of those little sandwiches.
I've been told I look like Lady Di.
Yeah, I see it.
- Mabel? - [LABOURED BREATHING.]
Mabel honey, look at mummy.
Look at mummy, look at mummy.
[WHIMPERS.]
What happened? What's happening? Her face is swelling up, I've gotta get her EpiPen.
Oh, for-for real? Okay, okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
- ALICIA: Mabel, are you okay? - [MABEL WHEEZES.]
KATE: Uh yes, we'd like an ambulance.
Hi, it's okay, it's okay, take a big, deep breath, - I'm sure you're good.
- Mabel, you okay? Do you have her EpiPen? I don't know, it's always in here, I always put it in here, - I can't find it! - It's okay.
I'm just gonna take her, and put her on the ground, okay? - Yeah.
- Oh, good girl.
- KATE: Yeah.
- ANNE: Good girl.
- I'm gonna set you down.
- Okay, you're okay.
- Does anyone have an EpiPen? - We need an EpiPen! - ALICIA: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- ANNE: Good girl.
[BIRDS CHIRP.]
Uh, the raisins that I put in those stupid crazy balls, I-I didn't check the bag to see if they were nut free, and I was just so concerned with making enough for everybody, and [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
I almost killed my daughter! Hey, we are gonna go to the hospital, we're gonna get her a doctor's examination.
- Come on.
- You hear that? She's okay.
Yeah yeah.
You know, taking care of Mabel is my only job, and and I suck at it.
Alicia, you're an incredible mother.
If I got things right half as often as you do, I wouldn't wanna strangle you as much as I do.
[LAUGHS.]
If it looks like we resent you, it's just because you make us look bad.
- [MABEL WHIMPERS.]
- [SIGHS.]
You're doing fine.
[SIGHS TEARFULLY.]
I think I'm gonna go ahead and cancel charades.
Wise choice, Val.
Let's take the rest of the afternoon and relax.
Childcare services are available for anyone - who would like it.
- Is there a bar here? Yes, but I have something even better.
A big bottle of Pantyhose Chardonnay.
With all your names on it.
Meet me back in my Sorry, Ian.
Our room.
Last one in's a rotten egg! [GIGGLES.]
Oh! - Miss Carlson? - Yeah? Your presence has been requested at the hotel spa.
Oh.
Thank you.
What's it say? "For all you do, this rub's for you.
Smiley face.
Love, Lionel.
" Aw! I want a Lionel.
Huh.
Yeah, he's pretty great.
Minus the rhyming.
[WATER SPLASHES, MACHINE WHIRS.]
Uh uh.
No way, what are you doing here? Oh, hey.
Did you impersonate my husband? Pretty good, huh? It's all in the rhyming.
- Stop that.
- No! Dude, we're stuck here, we might as well get through this together.
[SIGHS.]
If we can connect with Alicia, you and I can connect too.
Please? - Fine.
- Kick those shoes off.
Peter here will get you calibrated.
It's a little intimidating, but yeah, you're face down with yeah.
[BUTTONS BEEP, WHIRRING.]
Now, that thing's gonna close.
This thing is 360 degrees with its jets, and the best part, you don't have to take your clothes off.
What if I wanna take my clothes off? Uh, we prefer you don't.
[BUTTONS BEEP, WHIRRING.]
[WATER SPLASHES.]
See? Okay, don't be an idiot about it.
- This is magical.
- Yeah, man.
[SIGHS COMFORTABLY.]
Hey you, I just want to apologize again.
Okay, enough.
I get it, man.
I just want you to listen for once.
- Can you do that? - Mhmm.
Give me one sec.
Psst! Can we get Oh, yeah.
Man, working next to Brad has been a trip.
And not in a good way.
Remember that weird stranglehold - he used to have over me? - Totally, for sure I do.
Get this.
He's turned into a goddamn hypnotist.
- Uh uh.
- Yeah.
- Legit, like, a real hypnotist.
- Uh uh.
That's crazy.
- [MACHINE WHIRS.]
- Go on Our exes think we haven't changed a day since we broke up with them.
It's so stupid! - Stupid.
- [MACHINE WHIRS.]
Did you know he tried to hypnotize me into not cumming? - [LAUGHS.]
- Joke's on him.
I've been at it every day, and I've never cum harder.
Oh my god.
[GRUNTS.]
- What was that? - [MACHINE WHIRS.]
No.
Yes! Oh Dude, are you cumming right now? I am, honestly, don't look at me, oh god.
Oh yeah! Do you wanna unplug it, maybe? Unplug it, excuse me, unplug it, unplug it, I'm sorry.
- Oh oh yeah.
Ohhhhhh - [BUTTONS BEEP.]
Ohhh! [LAUGHS.]
Oh! I'm crying, that was so powerful.
Thank god it was you, and not Val! Oh, those tan legs! Oh god.
Yeah, that's Anne? Dude, that's really fucked up! Hey, I didn't mean to.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, thank you very much for everything, sir.
Uh, you still have nine minutes left.
Do you wanna keep going? No? [SIGHS HEAVILY.]
[FIREPLACE CRACKLES.]
[LOW HUM OF CHATTER.]
Hey man, you okay? Hey, uh I think I have an STD.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Are you sure it's not just me? I've been known to make penises uncomfortable.
[LAUGHS.]
Two shots of Patron, my good man.
- Ooh, tequila? - I don't know, I gotta sleep in a room with Val.
- Ah, you'll be okay.
- Trust me.
And don't worry about your peen, they got all these creams these days.
[SIGHS.]
- Thank you.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
[GLASSES THUD.]
Ooh So, you're in a new relationship? Mhmm.
Yeah.
I do a lot for Dorothy, and she lets me sleep in the guest wing.
Hm.
So you-you work for her, or you're living with her, or you're dating her? Yeah, all of the above-ish.
I don't know, to be honest.
- Well, do you like her? - Yeah, yeah.
Totally.
She's a bit creepy.
It's like a sexy creep.
Yeah, also she's-she's really mature, it makes me feel like a kid sometimes.
You know.
I'm also dating somebody way younger.
So if you put them together, they'd be like, the perfect woman.
Like, a 40 year old? Yeah, basically.
What the hell? [KEY CARD BEEPS, DOOR THUDS.]
Anne, are you in there? IAN: Shh! Be quiet, she can hear! [ANNE GIGGLES.]
You be quiet! Dude, I can hear you in there! Seriously? You're kicking me out? You did it to yourself.
It's not my fault you didn't get to cum! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Wait, did she say cum? You guys aren't - What?! No! - [LAUGHS.]
What the fuck was that? Sorry, I got carried away.
Seriously though, I can't thank you enough for saving me from a night with Val.
She's so inappropriate.
Yeah, of course she is.
She asked me to help her shave her legs.
Like, I know her wrist hurts or whatever, but I could swear she's right handed.
[LAUGHS.]
I just needed a breather, you know? Female friendship is at best complicated.
Like, it's refreshing how the biggest thing you have to figure out is who gave you that STD.
- No offense.
- Mhmm Is yours coming off? Ah! No.
And the thing is I've only done it with one person since Jenny.
- Can you? Thanks.
- Mhmm, yep.
It only takes one person, so it's either your new girl, - or it's Jenny.
- What? [RIPPING.]
Aaaaah! [PAINED SIGHS.]
- What? Is it-is it nice? - Mhmm [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[KNOCKING.]
- Hi.
- Oh hi, honey.
Hi Kate, how did things go with Anne? Not good, can I stay here? Oh, no can do, I offered the extra space to Jade, there's a toilet problem in her room.
I'd totally invite you to hang, but she was really explicit about not wanting to deal with anyone's bullshit.
Those are her words, they were not mine.
- JADE: No bullshit! - Mm, no worries, I'm sure we'll find another option.
Thanks, man.
Okay.
- Bye bye.
- Bye.
Good job, Charlie.
All right buddy, we will get through this.
[SIGHS.]
- [KNOCKING.]
- Kate! Have you seen Ian? I did turn down service on his bed.
Yeah, he uh made another arrangement.
- Can we stay with you tonight? - Yes! Okay.
I know what you're thinking, and yes, there's more.
You don't need a mani, do you? I brought decals.
That's nice, but I would really just love to get some sleep.
- Of course.
- Well, thank you.
- Waste of my goddamn time.
- Sorry, what was that? Huh? Nothing.
[WINE SWISHES.]
[DEEP BREATHING.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC.]
[SNORING.]
[GIGGLES.]