Wrecked (2016) s02e07 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Wrecked" I've been looking everywhere for you.
I'm just hanging out with Florence.
That boat leaves, we die here.
The pirates are gonna kill us! So we'll split up, take 'em out all at once.
Oh! - Ow! - Ooh! My friends and I are going home.
[Cheering.]
[Red Hot Chili Peppers' "Give It Away" plays.]
[Cheering.]
Well, all right.
Let's give it up once again for Scottsdale's number-one Chili Peppers tribute band.
That's the Red Scot Chili Peppers.
[Cheers and applause.]
Hey, Cruise-ifornication, are you having a good time? [Cheering.]
Now, a little later on, we're gonna have the reggae stylings of the Dread Hot Chili Peppers for you, and they're gonna be taking us [Jamaican accent.]
undah de bridge, mon.
[Man coughs.]
[Normal voice.]
That's just a Jamaican character I do.
Now, coming up next, we've got the funkiest Hebrews this side of Israel, and that's saying a lot.
Give it up for the Red Hot Chili Schleppers! [Cheers and applause.]
Shalom, my funky brothers! [Machine-gun fire.]
[Screaming.]
Herd them up and take the ship! [Screams, gunfire.]
[Glass shatters.]
[Screaming, gunfire continues.]
Florence: What? The pirates came here on a cruise ship? Specifically, a Red Hot Chili Peppers tribute cruise? "Featuring the soulful funk of Flea-vie Wonder"? - Ohh.
- Holy shit.
Who would pay for this? No [bleep.]
way! Is this Cruise-ifornication?! Aah! I've been on a wait list for this thing for, like, two years! Oh, my God! Bang bang bang! Wang-a-dang blang! Blang-a-wang bang dang! Oh, yeah! Hell, yeah! So tight! Looks like the radio's out.
You really think you can drive this thing, Bruce? Oh, yeah, yeah.
This gal's just like my old bass boat on steroids, except her balls ain't shriveled up.
You know what I mean? - I do not.
- Yeah.
I just need a couple of men to help me get the engines up and running.
A couple of men, or one Dream Team? Actually, I think I'm gonna go help Florence search below decks, so.
What? Don't you want to get the ship started? This is how we go home! It's just that's she's already kind of waiting for me, so, um [smacks lips.]
Fine.
I guess, leave the real work to the Big Three! [Laughs.]
Who's the Big Three? It's me, you, and Bruce.
Have we ever been in the same room together? Well, we are now.
The Big Three! We're going home! Okay, perfect.
Well, I will let you guys get to it.
Hey, don't worry about us, Owen.
Me and these two twinks will get us up and running in no time! - Nuts! [Laughs.]
- Oh, God! - Oh, my God.
- I'm coming for you next.
Ooh, check it out! Ooh! - Buy you a drink, milady? - [Laughs.]
Holy shit! Looks like The Barracuda's got a second Sea-Doo.
Or a Flea-Doo.
God, they really leaned on those puns, didn't they? Gentlemen, time to treat this ship like the lady she is.
Ignition on.
[Inhales sharply.]
All right, Danny.
Pull on that lever.
Pulling the lever Easy this time.
[Low rumbling.]
Pack, give them pod controls a nudge.
Nudging and I'm nudging - [Rumbling grows louder.]
- Holy shit, is this working? There's only one way to find out.
Full throttle.
[Rumbling continues to grow.]
Shush! Shut up! Shut your yappers! - [Rumbling.]
- You hear that? It's the engines.
We're moving! Oh, my God.
We're going home! Oh, my God! [Cheering.]
Hell yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! [Indistinct chatter.]
Chet: Anybody know where they keep the extra shampoo? - [Sabrina's "Boys (Summertime Love)" plays.]
- Boys Boys, boys, boys Boys, boys, boys Boys, boys, boys Boys, boys, boys Yeah, I smoked this one.
My body's made up of 99% hairs.
Chet, did you just take a shower? Yeah.
There's one in, like, every cabin.
- Get out of the way! - Showers! [Indistinct shouting.]
Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, my God.
Come on.
[Squeals.]
Holy Mother of God.
Oh, beds! Oh, my God, beds.
Oh, my God.
This is the nicest room that's ever existed.
Oh! It's a dream.
Ooh, wait.
Oh, sorry! I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
I just I want to.
- Okay? It's just a got to scrub this down first.
Yeah.
I am also very, very filthy.
So I will go scrub down my ding dong.
Wow.
I don't know why I said that.
Okay.
I'm gonna go.
Yep.
[Laughs.]
Boys, boys, boys [Song ends.]
Oh, come on! [Indistinct chatter.]
Hey, did the showers not work for you guys, either? What the hell? Oh, the showers worked for some people! Them! [Laughter.]
[Gasps.]
Owen! Oh, no.
[Whispering.]
My ding dong! [Indistinct chatter.]
Well, nice work, idiots.
The running water tanks are completely tapped out.
So that's it? There's no more water? Well, the pirates must've kept it at a low level and rationed it.
Unlike these hogs.
- Hey! - [Gasps.]
Everyone had the same chance to take a shower.
It's not my fault you were too busy playing with yourselves to take one.
Hey! Babies, there's plenty of bottled water downstairs! We can use that to wash our We don't know how long we're gonna be out at sea.
That water is for drinking.
Pick it up! Yeah.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, that's just great.
Hope it was worth it for you people.
[Scoffs.]
Um, what do you mean by "you people"? You know exactly what I mean, bitch.
- Whoa, hey! - Guys, guys, hey! Come on! Okay, this shower thing sucks, okay? But we can't start turning on each other now.
I think we should head down to the mess hall.
We'll get some food in us.
We'll sit down in some chairs.
- Huh? Chairs? - I love chairs.
Okay, we'll feel much better.
Let's go.
Come on.
[Fog horn blows.]
So, what's the plan, Bruce? Well, I'm not normally one to advocate for international trade 'cause I think every goddamn thing should be made in America land of the free, home of the brave.
But if we was to find an international shipping lane, we could flag down a ship.
I think that's our only hope.
That's a good plan.
Man, Owen and the rest of them are missing out.
The three of us up here, wind in our hair We're like Vikings.
Right.
I'm one of those classic Indian Vikings.
Hold up.
You're Indian? Yeah.
I mean, I grew up in Chicago, but I'm Indian.
Why? Well, I think I should tell you something.
Here it comes.
My sister-in-law's Indian.
What? Yeah! Man, let me tell you.
Y'all know how to throw a wedding.
I mean, that bhangra dancing music? [Imitating beat.]
I mean, I was sore for a week! You went to an Indian wedding? Oh, yeah, yeah.
My brother's real crunchy.
He went full Hindu.
I had to wear one of them what is that long, purple thing? - A sher - A sherwani? A sherwani! I was all up in that sherwani, son.
- [Laughs.]
- You couldn't get me out of it.
[Laughing.]
Yeah! My God.
It's a feast for kings.
We got cocktail meatballs, sweet potato mash, succotash, and a shitload of creamed corn.
Good thing the toilets still work.
So, we were just talking, and we should probably get our food first.
You know, those of us who showered, I mean.
Just 'cause, you know, the rest of you guys handling food, I don't know.
It doesn't seem hygienic, right? Makes sense to me.
Come on.
You can't be serious.
Look, Owen, no one's saying you guys are second-class citizens or anything.
You're right.
No one is saying that.
Right.
Totally.
We agree.
Come on, Cleans.
Let's hit it.
Coming through.
Owen, if you want to yeah.
I'm just gonna come in here.
Don't touch! Hmm.
Bruce: All right.
So, picture this.
So I'm there in the mandap sweating my ass off from the, the - Yeah? The sacred fire! - Sacred fire, yeah.
Listen, man, I know! The outfits are beautiful.
- They just don't breathe.
- Why is that? - I don't understand.
- Talk to someone about that.
Hey, you didn't do a baraat procession, did you? Son, I was leading the damn horse! - [Laughs.]
- I was like, hop on in.
Guide it, guide it, guide it, guide it.
Giddy up, giddy up, come on.
Yeah, and and I bet the bathrooms were packed! What do you mean? Well, 'cause of the Indian food, you know? Gives you the squirts.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
That's a pretty gross generalization, dude.
Oh, I I was just saying that it You know, with the, um I really like naan bread.
Hey! Danny, do you mind going downstairs and grabbing us some grub? I feel like we got it from here.
- Right, Bruce? - But the ship It's really a two-man operation at this point.
Plus, it's getting so crowded up here.
[Seagulls crying.]
Cool.
Thanks.
Talk about naan-starter, am I right? Oh, you got to give me up for that.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, damn.
[Indistinct whispering.]
Where are you guys going? Oh.
We just think it's best if we eat upstairs.
Oh.
Okay, we can get some chairs and No, dude.
Just us.
Seriously? Can't we all just eat together? Uh no, Owen.
We can't.
- Because you people reek! - Todd! I'm sorry.
It's the truth, though.
Come on.
Of course it's the truth.
They're disgusting.
But, you know, they're still our friends.
Well, every time I'm near them, all I smell is the stink of that island the foulness, the death, Karen's B.
O.
, all the random dumps everywhere! Don't you people get it? You're covered in filth! And I can't stand it! My God, I mean, the women smell like the men, and the men You smell like horse people.
I'm sorry.
I can't go back there.
Come on.
You coming, Florence? Florence.
[Sad violin playing.]
Who is playing that?! I found it upstairs.
Well, can you stop?! [Sighs.]
Will someone pass me a spoon? Do we not have utensils? The Cleans took them all! No.
We are not animals.
I am going upstairs.
I am going to get us some silverware.
We will have some dignity! Suit yourself.
Hey, man! We got the ship running! We're going home! Yeah, we felt the engines.
That's great.
It was my idea to find a shipping lane, and Pack was all like, "No way, bro!" - And I was like - I'm sorry, can this wait? 'Cause I have to go now and get our spoons and our forks from the goddamn shower people.
The what? I know, right? Can you believe that shit? [Cheerful violin playing.]
[Haughty laughter.]
Mmm.
[British accent.]
How is your food, darling? [British accent.]
It's excellent.
And how are you, Roger? [Indistinct chatter.]
[Sniffing.]
Oh, he's filthy.
[Upper-class accent.]
Sir, can I help you? Sir? It's Owen.
Tell you what, my man.
Be a good sport and go back to your own kind.
"Your own kind"? Todd, you sound insane right now.
Wait, what is Are these desserts? So is this why you guys have been sneaking upstairs? Well, there simply wasn't enough for everyone, so So you just decided to hoard it all for yourselves? You guys take one shower, suddenly you think you're better than everybody else? Well, you're not.
These belong to us, too.
Sir, just come with me, please.
Okay, stop calling me sir, you weirdo.
Give him hell, Chetsworth! [Haughty laughter.]
Look! It's as if he's covered in fessies [feces.]
! [Haughty laughter continues.]
Good God! Pick yourself up, my man! Come on! Oh, oh, oh! [Haughty laughter.]
Shut up! You sound like "The Purge"! Oh, come now, Florence! We were just having a little fun with the boy! [Laughs.]
I guess dessert's cancelled.
[Haughty laughter.]
Are there no forks? Who gives a shit? It's weird.
I should be psyched that we're going home, but this thing whole thing with Owen and Florence, it's like, what the hell? You know, suddenly, he's whipped? I'm like, "Hi!" Remember me, your old best friend?" And now, I just had to watch Bruce and Pack become besties.
I mean, it's weird.
They're a weird pairing! They shouldn't be friends! I just kind of feel like the odd man out.
I'm sorry.
I think I just needed to talk it out.
Thank you for listening, Karen.
Hmm? What? Were you talking to me? Yeah, I was talking to you! Weren't you listening? Nope.
But you were nodding your head! You were looking at me the whole time! Oh, no.
No, I was counting every pea I ate.
It's good to know how many I can take in before I need to make some more space.
[Stomach gurgles.]
Oh, boy.
Wow.
Looks like the number's 484.
[Farting.]
Here we go.
All right.
Okay.
- Owen, wait! - Leave me alone.
I don't want to get my "island stink" on you.
No, listen! I'm really sorry.
Well, whatever.
You're clean, I'm clearly not.
What Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
[Laughs.]
Is that better? That's Oh.
- That's good.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- [Laughs.]
Wait a minute.
I think I know how to put an end to this.
The guns? What? No! Oh, my God! Oh, yeah.
Um, what do you mean? Come with me.
I'm telling you, he shaved half of his head off! [Laughter.]
Oh, man.
I got to be honest with you, Bruce.
I was wrong about you.
How do you mean? Well, I thought you were a certain type of guy.
And it turns out you're a lot more, you know.
You know, and and to think that if we hadn't landed on that island, we would've never gotten the chance to know each other.
I'm glad that we did.
Amen to that, brother.
- Yeah.
- Right there.
Hey, you know what my favorite part about being on that island was? Lay it on me, Big Bruce.
There wasn't a single [bleep.]
Mexican.
Yep, there it is.
I'm gonna get some air.
All right.
Sounds good, lil' buddy! I'm here when you need me.
[Peaceful violin playing.]
Anyone up for a round of chair polo? Owen: Hey! Shower people! Oh! God, no! Gah! [Whistles.]
[Dramatic music playing.]
Make them unclean! [Screaming.]
Hey! [Somber music playing.]
Sorry, Todd.
We've come too far to be divided now.
[Normal voice.]
You're right.
[Grunts.]
Hey, was I speaking with an accent back there? Yeah.
Sorry I smashed corn down your crack.
[Normal voice.]
That's okay.
I didn't hate it.
You and I We are same now.
What's wrong with you? Did you hit your head? [Thunder crashes.]
[Rain falling.]
Look! Showers! Hey, are you okay, dude? Oh, yeah! I'm Shawshankin' bro! Aah!