Xavier: Renegade Angel (2007) s02e07 Episode Script

1
Xavier: IT IS SCRIBBLED IN
THE STARS -- MY INFINITE OATH TO
HELP
[ Echoing ] HELP.
YOU HEAR THAT?
SOUNDS LIKE A WEAK FEEBLING'S
SAD YOWL FOR HELP
[ Echoing ] HELP.
IT'S COMING FROM OVER THERE.
OH, NO.
THESE MEAGER VICTIM-CICLES NEED
THE HEAT OF MY RELEASE.
MY CHANCE TO FRENCH-TOUCH A
WOMAN.
[ SLURPS ]
[ GASPS ]
DON'T PANIC!
I'LL SAVE YOU!
[ GAGS ]
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Xavier: I RESCUED YOU FROM
ICY DEMISE!
ALL YOUR LIFE ARE BELONG TO ME.
WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE
THAWED TILL SCIENCE CAN CURE US.
WE ALL HAVE TERMINAL DISEASES.
Xavier: EW!
IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE BODY
HEAT, THEN STAY OUT OF THE
FREEZER OF FATE.
YOU CAN'T REFREEZE MEAT.
WE'VE ONLY GOT HOURS TO LIVE.
Xavier: THEN I'LL MAKE YE
LIVE A THOUSAND LIFETIMES IN
YOUR FINAL MOMENTS.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING!
Xavier: YOU JIVE TURKEYS
WOULDN'T KNOW GRATITUDE IF I
BROKE INTO THIS ROOM AND
CAUSED YOUR DEATH.
NOT SAYING "THANK YOU" IS
"DE-FROSTING" ON "DE-CAKE."
NOW I'LL NEVER GET TO MEET MY
GREAT-GREAT-GRANDDAUGHTER AND
FALL IN LOVE, YOU SICKO!
Xavier: YOU KNOW, IT TAKES
FEWER MUSCLES TO SAY "THANK YOU"
THAN IT DOES TO DIE.
All: FREAK! FREAK! FREAK!
I PLEDGE TO DEVOTE MY EVERY
ATOM TO SERVING ICE-COLD
VENGEANCE.
Xavier: [ WHIMPERING ]
YOUNG ONE, IF I TOLD YOU IT'S
TIME FOR YOU TO FOLLOW YOUR
LIFEQUEST AWAY FROM ME FOREVER,
WOULD YOU LEAVE FOR GOOD?
Young Xavier: OF COURSE!
CONGRATULATIONS.
THIS WILL HELP YOU WIPE AWAY ALL
SUFFERING.
Young Xavier: I PLEDGE TO
DEVOTE MY EVERY ATOM TO SERVING
ICE-HOT JUSTICE.
Xavier: THAT'S IT! I GIVE UP!
I SACRIFICED EVERYTHING, EVEN
YOUR LIVES, FOR YOU PEOPLE, AND
WHAT DO I GET?
I NEVER WANTED TO BE AN
OUTSIDER.
[ Echoing ] I'M GOING NORMAL!
NO GOING BACK NOW.
I'LL JUST FIT IN, TAKE ON A
NORMAL LIFE, MEET A NICE JOB,
HOLD DOWN A WELL-PAYING FAMILY!
GOODBYE FOREVER, OLD SELF.
OKAY, YOU LOOK NORMAL.
NOW JUST ACT NORMAL.
CLUTCH THE DARK PURPLE HAIRS OF
THE GALLOPING ORANGUTAN OF
NORMALICY AND RIDE, NIGGA, RIDE!
I'M READY. INTERVIEW AWAY.
WELL, YOUR RéSUMé IS PRETTY
PERSUASIVE.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE
CORPORATE CULTURE IN GENERAL?
Xavier: NORMAL -- MY FEELINGS
ON THAT ARE JUST NORMAL AND
TYPICAL, BECAUSE I'M WHAT YOU
PEOPLE CALL A NORMAL.
HUH, IMPRESSIVE.
YOU GOT A FRESH APPROACH TO
BEING NORMAL.
YOU THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.
Xavier: WHAT BOX?!
MAN OF ACTION.
LET ME GUESS.
YOU WERE A LINEBACKER IN COLLEGE
LIKE ME.
I THINK WE GOT OUR BOY TO
REPLACE
MEET THE NEW RYAN.
IT'S HIS FIRST DAY.
GOOD TO KNOW YOU, NEW RY.
ME AND THE GUYS WERE JUS
CRACKING WISE ABOUT FREAKS.
WHAT'S YOUR OPINION ON THE
SUBJECT?
Xavier: OH, I FEEL EXACTLY
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.
OOH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S
GUNNING FOR YOUR JOB, PETERSON.
A NEW BIG DICK JUST SWUNG
INTO TOWN.
YEAH?
LET'S SEE HOW HE HANGS IN THE
BIG MEETING.
WE'RE UP POOP CREEK IN A TURD
CANOE WITH A DOOKIE PADDLE
THAT'S GOT FECES SMEARED ON THE
PART WHERE YOU PUT YOUR HAND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SHUT UP!
OUR MAIN FACTORY IS SPEWING
ILLEGAL AMOUNTS OF POLLUTION.
SHOULD WE PAY TO UPGRADE OR
MOVE THE PLANT OVERSEAS?
NEW RYAN, YOU'VE BEEN AWFULLY
QUIET.
Xavier: WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE
I'M SO NORMAL.
YEAH, WHEN I SEE FREAKS, I JUS
WANT TO SHOOT 'EM AND DUMP 'EM
IN A FILTHY DITCH.
I LIKE IT.
WE JUST HOOK CHUTES UP TO OUR
SMOKESTACKS AND DUMP IT OFF,
DITCH OUR FILTH IN CHINA.
OUTSOURCE OUR POLLUTION, JOBS
STAY HERE.
I BET WE CAN EVEN CHARGE THE
CHINGS FOR THE SLUDGE.
THEY'LL MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF
IT.
GOOD WORK, NEW RYAN, BUT WE'VE
GOT A NEW PROBLEM.
THE THEFT OF OFFICE SUPPLIES IS
MAKING US HEMORRHAGE MONEY.
WE LOST $3.8 MILLION IN STOLEN
STAPLERS THIS MONTH ALONE!
WHAT DO WE DO?
Xavier: I'M JUST A NORMAL.
NO STRANGE SECRETS HIDDEN
BENEATH MY FACADE, OKAY?
HE'S RIGHT.
WE NEED TO SEE BENEATH.
YOU'RE SAYING WE SHOULD REPLACE
OUR FLORESCENT BULBS WITH X-RAY
BULBS, AND WE'LL FIND THE
STICKY-FINGERED CULPRITS IN A
JIM-JAM-JIF.
[ GUNSHOTS ]
[ CLICKING ]
OUR HOME-APPLIANCE DIVISION IS
ON THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY.
WORK YOUR MAGIC!
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
Xavier: I KEEP TRYING TO TELL
YOU I'M JUST A NORMAL.
QUIT SINGLING ME OUT LIKE A
FREAK.
I THINK I GET WHAT HE'S
SAYING.
HE MEANS WE JUST GOT TO TAKE
WILD LEAPS IN INTERPRETING HIS
MUNDANE STATEMENTS, THEN COME UP
WITH OUR OWN IDEAS.
LIKE, UM
PUTTING PHEROMONES ON OUR
APPLIANCES?
BRILLIANT, NEW RYAN.
YES, IF WE EXTRACT THE SAME
GLANDULAR EXCRETIONS THA
STIMULATE AFFECTION IN OUR
DESIGNER-FRAGRANCE DIVISION AND
APPLY IT TO OUR APPLIANCES, OUR
PRODUCTS WILL BE IRRESISTIBLE --
SMELL-BLIMINAL SCENT-VERTISING.
THANKS FOR TURNING THIS PLACE
AROUND, NEW RYAN.
Xavier: YOU'VE THUNKED ME!
SO, WHO YOU HEADED HOME TO --
WIFE, KIDS?
Xavier: A PEPPERBIRD CAME
AND TOOK AWAY ALL I CARE ABOUT.
SINGLE, HUH?
THAT'S ABNORMAL.
Xavier: ABNORMAL?
NO!
OLD RYAN LEFT A WIFE AND TWO
KIDS BEHIND.
SHE'S LONELY, TOO.
YOU SHOULD MEET HER.
I'LL SET IT UP.
HI. THESE ARE LOVELY.
Xavier: LISTEN, BEFORE WE GO
OUT TO DINNER, I THINK IT'S TIME
LITTLE TARA AND I HAD THE TALK.
HER BODY IS GOING THROUGH SOME
CONFUSING CHANGES.
BUT HER NAME IS CINDY.
I DON'T THINK THA--
CINDY LOOKS UP TO ME SO MUCH.
SWEETIE, I KNOW THIS IS A SCARY
TIME.
HAVE YOU NOTICED BLOOD IN YOUR
PANTIES?
[ CRYING ]
Xavier: DON'T WORRY.
YOUR PANTIES WILL BE BLOODY SOON
ENOUGH.
OUR LITTLE ONE'S GOT THE BIG
D-JEALOUSY.
THIS IS ALL HAPPENING SO FAS
AND SO INACCURATELY.
Xavier: I DON'T THINK IT'S
TOO MUCH TO ASK TO HAVE DINNER
READY FOR ME WHEN I GET HOME
FROM WORK.
BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING
OUT.
WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD MAKE A
POT ROAST.
Xavier: I THINK YOU'LL FIND
THAT WEDNESDAY IS MEATLOAF
NIGHT.
SO, WHERE SHOULD WE GO FOR
VACATION THIS YEAR -- THE
REGULAR THING OR SOMETHING MORE
NORMAL?
I DON'T KNOW.
THIS IS ALL SO SUDDEN.
I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD TIME TO
GRIEVE FOR RYAN.
Xavier: DON'T WORRY.
YOU CAN GRIEVE TONIGHT -- IN
BED.
YEP, HAD THE OLD LADY PRETTY WE
LAST NIGHT.
UP TO HER CANKLES IN TEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OKAY, FOR SOME REASON, WE GO
A HUGE SURPLUS OF CHEAP
CHING CHONG HOT DOGS.
WE'D MAKE A KILLING IF WE COULD
SELL THESE CHING DOGS.
I KNOW!
LET'S DO SOMETHING NORMAL.
COME ON, PETERSON.
THAT'S OLD PARADIGM.
IT WAS NEW RYAN'S IDEA.
HE SAID HE HAD A SOLUTION THA
WOULD BLOW YOU AWAY.
OH, YEAH?
COME ON, GOLDEN BOY.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MOVING
HOT DOGS?
Xavier: I KNOW I WAS MOVING
MY HOT DOG IN AND OUT OF
PETERSON'S WIFE'S BUNS LAS
NIGHT.
MY WIFE IS DEAD.
Xavier: I NEVER SAID IT WAS
CONSENSUAL.
DON'T WORRY.
I USED "CONDIMENTS."
SHE ENJOYED IT WITH "RELISH."
HER MOUTH PASSED "MUSTARD."
I COULD HARDLY "KETCHUP" TO HER
VAGINA!
I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT DOING
RESEARCH.
EVERY YEAR, AMERICANS EAT ENOUGH
HOT DOGS TO GO TO THE MOON AND
BACK.
AND --
Xavier: [ SCOFFS ]
PROVE IT.
WAIT. PETERSON, SHUT UP!
NEW RYAN, SAY THAT AGAIN.
Xavier: PETERSON, SHUT UP.
IT'S BRILLIANT!
WE'LL PROVE IT.
WE'LL MAKE A HOT-DOG CHAIN TO
THE MOON.
IT'LL BE THE GREATEST MARKETING
STUNT OF ALL TIME.
YOU DID IT AGAIN, NEW RYAN.
PACK YOUR BAGS, PETERSON.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
Xavier: ME HOME!
I BROUGHT YOU HOT DOGS FROM
WORK!
YAY!
YAY!
HONEY, WE NEED TO TALK.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A THING
FOR BLONDES.
Xavier: WHAT?! NO!
PETERSON MUST BE BEHIND THIS.
THOSE PHOTOS ARE DOCTORED!
DOCTORED?
WHAT KIND OF MEDICAL PROCEDURE
IS THIS?
Xavier: OPEN-HEART TEA BAG?
WELL I REGRET OPENING MY
HEART TO YOUR TEA BAG OF LIES.
I WANT YOU OUT!
Xavier: LET ME AT LEAST SAY
GOODBYE TO THE KIDS.
YOU'LL NEVER TALK TO THE KIDS
AGAIN!
Xavier: YOU SHOULD KNOW I
FAKED ALL THE IMPOTENCE.
I COULD'VE CONSUMMATED THE
MARRIAGE, AND I STILL INTEND TO.
SLEEP TIGHT TONIGHT.
PLEASE TAKE ME BACK.
I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO.
SAY, BUB, YOU LOOKING FOR AN
APARTMENT?
DON'T BOTHER.
IT'S A WOMEN'S-ONLY BUILDING.
Xavier: WELL --
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ High-pitched voice ] WELL,
IT'S THE ONLY PLACE AVAILABLE IN
THE CITY, SO WE'LL TAKE IT.
WELCOME!
AND TONIGHT A BUNCH OF US GIRLS
ARE GETTING TOGETHER.
TURNS OUT THE LOCAL
MEN'S ONLY CLUB CLUB DOESN'
ALLOW WOMEN, SO WE'RE ALL GONNA
INFILTRATE UNDERCOVER -- SEE
WHAT THEY'RE HIDING.
ON BEHALF OF THE
MEN'S ONLY CLUB CLUB, I'D LIKE
TO WELCOME OUR NEW MEMBERS.
HEY.
TONIGHT, IN OUR COMMITMEN
TO UNDERSTAND AND HONOR ALL
POINTS OF VIEW, WE'RE GOING TO
DISGUISE OURSELVES LIKE
OVERWEIGHT BLACK WOMEN TO EXPAND
OUR PERSPECTIVE AND GIVE DIGNITY
TO ALL HERITAGES.
GIVE ME SOME LEMONADE.
GIVE ME SOME LEMONADE.
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
Xavier: GET ME SOME TOE PIE!
EXCUSE ME, GIRLFRIENDS.
SAY, SUGAR CHILD, YOU LOOK LIKE
Y'ALL HAD A BAD DAY.
I LOST MY JOB, AND MY WIFE IS
DEAD, AND I JUST --
Xavier: HONEY, BIG
JAWANAMAMAFIRE -- SHE GONNA MAKE
IT ALL OKAY.
[ SLURPS ]
THAT WAS AMAZING.
I THINK WE ACTUALLY MADE CHEESE.
Xavier: WELL, GUESS WHAT.
THAT WASN'T CHEESE!
YOU'RE GAY NOW.
YOU'RE TOTALLY NOT NORMAL.
THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED IF WASN'T FOR
NEW RY-RY.
Xavier: THAT REMINDS ME, I'M
LATE FOR WORK.
GOOD THING I HAVE MY MAKEUP
CASE.
Xavier: SORRY I'M LATE,
EVERYBODY.
THIS BLACK LADY MADE ME EAT A
BUNCH OF CHEESE.
NEW RYAN, GET IN MY OFFICE
TO -- HEY, YOU LOOK RIPPED.
Xavier: NO, I JUST LOS
300 POUNDS -- MY VIRGINITY.
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOU
THIS PLAN YOU DROPPED OFF.
I LOVE IT!
DEVIL DOGMIER'S THE BEST MASCO
A HOT-DOG COMPANY COULD ASK FOR.
IT'S BIZARRE. IT'S MEMORABLE.
AND I LOVE THAT YOU VOLUNTEERED
TO WEAR THE COSTUME YOURSELF.
Xavier: BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW
THAT -- WHO COULD HAVE --
PUT ON THE COSTUME AND GE
OUT THERE FOR THE LINKING.
Xavier: NO.
IT SEEMS ABNORMAL.
I MIGHT GET CALLED A FREAK.
THERE'S A WHOLE CROWD OF KIDS
WAITING.
I COULD GET PETERSON TO TAKE
THE GLORY.
Xavier: I'LL DO IT, BUT ONLY
TO SEE MY KIDS AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
INTRODUCING THE HOTTIES
DOGGIEST MASCOT OF ALL TIME,
DEVIL DOGMIER!
Xavier: KIDS, IT'S
NEW NEW DADDY, KIDS!
REMEMBER?
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH
DEVIL DOGMIER, KIDS.
PUNCH HIM AND CALL HIM "FREAK"!
All: FREAK! FREAK! FREAK!
FREAK! FREAK! FREAK!
Xavier: WHO IS THIS SHADOWY
FIGURE SHOVING MY OLD SAD FATE
INTO MY NEW FACE?
I TOLD YOU I'D COMMIT EVERY
ATOM TO MY VENGEANCE.
Xavier: PETERSON, YOU NO
LONGER WIELD POWER OVER ME IF I
ACCEPT MYSELF.
PEOPLE, I'M NOT REALLY A FREAK!
YOU SEE, I AM
HE'S A BIG HOT WHITE MAN!
Xavier: NO.
HE'S A FAT BLACK WOMAN!
Xavier: NO, HONEY CHILD!
HE'S A WOMAN PRETENDING TO BE
A MAN!
Xavier: NO.
HE'S A MAN PRETENDING TO BE A
WOMAN!
Xavier: NO.
HE'S A MAN! HE'S A MAN!
Xavier: NO.
I AM A WOMAN!
Xavier: OOH.
HE'S A FREAK! HE'S A FREAK!
Xavier: NO, I'M YOUR FREAK.
I SHALL NEVER AGAIN BE UNTRUE
TO MYSELF AGAIN, AS I'VE
LEARNED --
HEY, THEY'RE LINKING THE
HOT-DOG CHAIN TO THE MOON!
Xavier: MUCH LIKE A CHAIN OF
HOT DOGS LINKS TO THE EARTH, I
RECONNECT MY VOW TO HELP ALL IN
NEED.
THEY LINKED IT!
OH!
IT MADE THE EARTH STOP ROTATING
AROUND THE SUN!
WE CAN NO LONGER RELY ON THE
SUN'S LIFE-SUSTAINING HEAT!
Xavier: IT MAY NOT BE WHA
YOU NORMALS CALL "NORMAL" OR
"COOL"
NOW ICE IS CREEPING DOWN THE
HOT-DOG CHAIN!
THE CRUEL TIDE OF FROST IS UPON
US!
Xavier: I'LL BE VIGILANT IN
MY FIERY PURSUIT OF AWARENESS OF
ALL IMBRUING TROUBLE.
I WILL NOTICE CALAMITY AND TAKE
DRASTIC ACTION, EVEN IN TIMES
WHEN IT WOULD BE DELIGHTFULLY
IRONIC OR COINCIDENTAL TO NO
TAKE ANY ACTION AT ALL!
OH, NO!
IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF GLOBAL
WARMING -- MOONULAR FREEZING!
WELL, EVERYTHING'S PERFECTLY
PRESERVED.
SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR
THIS IN 1,000 YEARS.
I'LL BE NEEDING THAT BACK.
OH, A PEPPERBIRD!
[ SNEEZES ]
OH, MAYBE GIVE IT 2,000 YEARS.
YOUR TELEVISION JUST SHATTERED!