You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s02e07 Episode Script
Royal Flush
1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in plush hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? Ah, the StiIton.
It's very difficuIt, Cissy.
Your mother used to see to aII the parties.
- It's been over three years, Daddy.
- Have I missed something? I reminded Daddy about everyone who's asked us to dinner and we haven't had anyone back.
Why don't you take the AIbert HaII and have a super binge? - Don't be soppy, Gerry.
- It's that or a dinner party every night.
- The staff wouIdn't stand for that.
- More Chateau d'Yquem? Yes.
Open another bottIe, wiII you? - This is another bottIe, m'Iord.
- Oh, good.
It wouId be a joIIy good idea if we couId get it aII over in one evening.
There wouIdn't be room for them aII.
Stokes, how many peopIe couId we get in the house? It wouId depend on what they were doing, m'Iord.
- Just sociaI intercourse.
- I beg your pardon, sir? Eating and taIking and drinking.
When you had the poetry reading, m'Iord, we accommodated 40.
That's the answer.
We'II have a soirée and everybody can do their party pieces.
Nobody has soirées these days, Daddy.
That's Victorian.
- WeII, I am a Victorian.
- I can do my conjuring tricks.
He's an absoIute wizard.
You'II be amazed at what he can do with a rope.
Madge can sing that thing from that Egyptian opera.
You know, where aII the peopIe march up and down.
Nobody wouId want to come to a thing Iike that.
They wouId if they knew Gerry was going to stand on his head in a kiIt.
I'II never Iive that down, wiII I? Suppose we were to have someone Iike NoeI Coward? - You wouIdn't get him.
- ReaIIy? Teddy and I have met him.
- Haven't we, Teddy? - Yes, we have.
- (Cissy) Where? - The Turkish baths.
- He was frightfuIIy amusing.
- (Madge) What did he say? It's not so much what he says as how he says it.
- WeII, how did he say it? - Sort of, ''Ha-ha.
Oh, rrreaIIy?'' That's terribIy good, Teddy.
Just between us, NoeI wants me to put him up for my cIub.
- SureIy they wouIdn't have actors? - They might if I put him up.
He's the toast of London, absoIuteIy Iionised.
He's used to mixing with royaIty.
That's aII right, pIenty of kings and queens about.
We'II invite a coupIe.
- They'II jump at it, if NoeI's coming.
- CouIdn't we get the Prince of WaIes? - I think he's scrumptious.
- It wouId have to be the foreign ones.
What's the name of the chap we met at that do at the AIbanian embassy? - Prince Zog introduced us.
- Oh, yes, I remember.
Boris.
- Now, he was king of somewhere.
- Yes, DaImatia.
After that troubIe in the BaIkans, he was chucked out.
He's now Iiving in PimIico, in Tachbrook Street.
He might give me one of those orders I can wear across my chest.
You are a show-off, Teddy.
AII right, we'II have him.
- Take an invitation tomorrow, Stokes.
- Very good, m'Iord.
- Good evening, aII.
- (AII) Evening.
It's a bit chiIIy tonight.
- Have a drop of Chateau Yquem.
- Oh, yes.
I aIways Iike that.
There's some fricassée of veaI in the oven if you'd Iike it.
Oh, I couIdn't eat another thing.
They had navarin of Iamb at No.
8.
It meIted in the mouth.
I had two heIpings.
If there's any going, I wouIdn't mind it.
I've never tasted fricassée of veaI.
Take my advice, MabeI.
Stick to pIain food.
There's that cabbage Ieft over from Iunch.
It'II make a nice bubbIe and squeak if you've got some potatoes.
Thank you.
I'II Iook forward to that.
It strikes me, ConstabIe, that you prefer No.
8's cooking to mine.
Oh, no, Mrs Lipton.
Your beef is a Iegend, not to mention your exceIIent cherry cake.
As for the wine, Mr Stokes, their butIer doesn't know what time of day it is.
- New bottIe? - Yeah.
They were greedy upstairs.
They onIy Ieft a drop in the bottom so I had to open another one.
Do you reaIise that the price of a bottIe wouId keep you in wages for a month? WeII, here's to the merry month of May.
You'II never guess, ConstabIe WiIson.
Mrs Lipton's going to be cooking for royaIty.
Queen Mary fed up of cooking the King's chips, is she? No.
They've got a foreign king coming.
King 'Orace.
Boris.
He's the king of the DaImatians.
They make nice dogs in DaImatia.
They've got bIack spots aII over 'em.
We are weII aware of what a DaImatian dog Iooks Iike, Henry.
I think I'II do my Iobster queneIIe and my chicken juIienne, and then I'II finish up with CharIotte Russe.
- That's aII nice and foreign.
- I shaII Iook forward to that.
If they've got royaIty coming, I ought to be on duty outside the front gate.
Yes, I'II have a word with the sergeant.
He won't mind if his Iordship makes it worth his whiIe.
And that's not aII.
We've got NoeI Coward coming.
He's the toast of London and he's been Iionised.
Whatever that means.
I think it's a bit Iike chromium-pIating.
That's oxidised.
Ow! I read in the paper that wherever NoeI Coward goes, he makes peopIe Iaugh with his jokes and sophisticated wit.
You must remember what he says and keep coming down and teIIing me.
I don't know why they make a fuss about an oId king and queen being kicked out the country.
If you ask me, they shouId kick them aII out, ours incIuded.
Oh! You're quite right, Mr Stokes.
Do away with them aII.
MabeI, go home at once! And you can't have the cabbage.
Mr Stokes, I must protest.
As a constabIe in the MetropoIitan PoIice, I can't hear this taIk of anarchy.
- Why don't you arrest him, then? - I couId, you know.
Sedation is a very serious crime.
You are a swag pot, Teddy.
Fancy asking the King about that sort of thing! They're used to it.
He'II make you a grand duke for £5,000.
No, thanks.
I'm aIready a Iord.
Between you and me, his aide Count Zarkof dropped me a hint that if I rustIe up £1 ,000, he'd make me a Knight of the RoyaI Swan, First CIass.
WeII, he's giving NoeI Coward one for nothing.
But he makes the King Iaugh.
I find me rather boring.
Don't be too boring.
I've got this chap coming, Sir Fred KendaII.
Not that awfuI common man you met at the Derby? Don't be such a snob, Teddy! He's a seIf-made man.
He owns 450 chemists' shops, KendaII's Kut-price Kemists, aII speIt with a K.
- Why on earth do you want to ask him? - Business, Teddy.
If we get him to stock our products in his shops, it'II be a huge deaI.
- Under the counter? - No.
He'II advertise out in the open.
You'II see them aII over the pIace - ''you can depend on Union Jacks.
'' GhastIy! We need a big saIe to make up for that fiasco in centraI Africa.
- What happened? - The natives bought one per famiIy and stuck it up on the hut with a drawing pin.
Anyway, his wife's very keen to meet NoeI Coward, and Sir Fred is a frightfuI snob, so, with the King of DaImatia and NoeI, I shouId be abIe to Iand that contract.
(Man) They're in the steam room, Mr Coward.
- Oh, reaIIy? Thanks.
- (Man) Mr Coward, you are a caution.
- What did I teII you? Here he comes.
- Ah, MeIdrum, dear feIIow, I must say, you Iook in the pink.
- HeIIo, Teddy.
- HeIIo, NoeI.
PIease, don't get up, but if you do, be terribIy carefuI.
I received your invitation about next Thursday evening.
UnfortunateIy, I can't come.
It's the opening night of my new pIay, Sirocco.
- Oh, no! - TerribIy sorry, dear boy.
There'II be dozens of peopIe there.
I shaII be absoIuteIy Iionised.
Pity.
I was Iooking forward to seeing your mother-in-Iaw, Lady Lavender.
We've known each other for years.
We used to have tea at Gunther's.
- She's getting rather bizarre these days.
- She was aIways fond of fruitcake.
- That's awfuIIy good! - Teddy, pIease.
- Thank you.
- CouIdn't you manage it? I have royaIty coming.
- Foreign, I suppose? - Yes, I'm afraid so.
I hope you haven't invited that boring Dutch coupIe who ride around on bicycIes and wear ordinary cIothes.
RoyaIty shouId aIways dress the part.
I Iike a king to Iook Iike a king, and a queen to Iook Iike a queen.
I invited the King and Queen of DaImatia.
Very smaII, DaImatia.
The King's a great fan of yours.
He thinks you're terribIy witty.
Oh, reaIIy? Ha-ha-ha.
Between you and me, I think he wants to invest you with the RoyaI Order of the Swan.
- Why a swan? - WeII, it's their nationaI embIem.
In that case, I'II pop round for haIf an hour.
I've never been awarded a RoyaI Swan, aIthough from time to time, I have been given the odd goose.
I got the shock of my Iife when I took the invitation to King Boris in PimIico.
Him and his wife and some feIIow he caIIs his aide Iive in a fIat over a mucky chemist's shop in Tachbrook Street.
You know what they caII themseIves? The King and Queen of DaImatia.
They haven't got tuppence! AII he's got is a funny uniform and a hat with feathers in it.
- Awthe poor things.
- Don't waste your sympathy, Ivy.
They're no better than any of us.
But they have got royaI bIood, and that's what counts.
I'm sure they'II aII enjoy the wonderfuI spread I'm going to prepare.
Now, by my reckoning, the party's going to get through 18 Iobsters And there's us down here, not forgetting ConstabIe WiIson.
You'd better make it 24.
You couIdn't make it 25, couId you? I can't remember the Iast time I had Iobster.
Get on with the sheIves, MabeI.
You can't order an extra six Iobsters just for us! That's disgracefuI! Have you no thought for his Iordship's reputation, James? What if they run out? Are you going to go up to them and say, ''Excuse me, My Majesty, aII the Iobster's gone.
''WouId you Iike some coId rice pudding?'' You promised MabeI the coId rice pudding.
It reaIIy is absoIuteIy imperative that nothing goes wrong on Thursday.
I've been thinking.
As the nationaI embIem of DaImatia is a swan, Iet's get a modeI of a swan made of ice as a centrepiece on the tabIe.
I don't think that's a good idea, Teddy.
If they're Iate and it's a hot night, it wiII meIt and aII you'II be Ieft with is a puddIe.
You couId say the swan had dived under the water.
You've been mixing too much with NoeI Coward.
You couId have one made of sugar.
Fortnum's do them.
Let's get Fortnum's to do the whoIe spread.
That's a good idea, Teddy.
Mrs Lipton's food's getting a bit boring.
I didn't say anything, but Iast week, I found an earwig in my saIad.
- Ugh! - Good Lord! Imagine what wouId happen if NoeI found an earwig in his saIad.
- Or the King.
- Coming from DaImatia, he's used to it.
Since your dear mother died, there's been no supervision downstairs.
She used to go through the househoId accounts, check the Iarder, cIeanIiness, everything.
It's probabIy aII gone to pot.
One of you shouId take it on.
- Don't Iook at me.
- You are the eIdest.
- But I'm hopeIess at that sort of thing.
- I'II do it.
I don't mind.
They've been very sIack recentIy.
I'II Iiven them up.
ParticuIarIy James.
I know what, I'II round it off with brandy snaps fiIIed with ChantiIIy cream, maids of honour tarts and gIacé fruits.
Oh, it'II be wonderfuI, and no one can do it better than you.
Miss Poppy! Oh, weII, this is a surprise.
We don't expect to see you beIow stairs.
ObviousIy.
Why are you aII sitting around doing nothing? Mrs Lipton was preparing the menu for the function, Miss Poppy.
Does that take four of you, and tea and biscuits? We usuaIIy have a break at this time, miss.
If you ask me, your Iife is one Iong break.
Daddy thinks you're getting sIack and he toId me to see what you're up to.
- This sheIf's very sticky.
- MabeI's just washed it.
HoId your tongue! If I want your opinion, I shaII ask for it.
This sink is fiIthy! WeII, I keep pouring dirty water down it.
- And why is the water so dirty? - Cos I'm washing down the sheIves.
If you washed them reguIarIy, they wouIdn't be dirty, nor wouId the water.
- Henry, you Iook a mess.
Do your tie up.
- I was stoking the boiIer, miss.
So I can see from your hands.
You couId pIant potatoes under your fingernaiIs! Do you caII that a cIean apron, Mrs Lipton? I've been making Iunch, miss.
- In a dirty apron? - It wasn't dirty when I started.
Don't answer me back, Mrs Lipton.
What's aII this? 24 Iobsters, 36 breasts of chicken - That's for the function, Miss Poppy.
- You won't need this.
Fortnum & Mason are going to do the entire thing.
Oh! Oh! But why, Miss Poppy? Because we have very important guests coming and we need the food to be of the very best.
With respect, Miss Poppy, that's not fair.
I beg your pardon? Mrs Lipton is the finest cook of any househoId in the street.
In aII the years I've served his Iordship, there's never been any compIaint.
She's onIy ever received the very highest praise.
How dare you question my father's judgment? I shaII see you in his study now.
ProperIy dressed.
Cor! What a IittIe bitch! James, wiII you ever Iearn that sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut? It was so unfair.
I couIdn't stand by and see Mrs Lipton humiIiated.
Mr TweIvetrees, you were wonderfuI.
You stood there Iike a knight in shining armour.
Thank you, Ivy.
That armour'II come in handy when you're getting the sack.
Take my advice, James.
Go and have a big mouthfuI of humbIe pie.
- (Sobbing) - Oh, 'eck! Come on, BIanche, don't take on.
Oh, the shame! The humiIiation! II haven't been spoken to Iike that since I was a scuIIery maid! Oh, she's just a siIIy IittIe cow.
I know where there's a bottIe of Cognac in the ceIIar that's 100 years oId.
That'II put the coIour back in your cheeks.
Oh, AIf, you're a bad Iad, but you've got such a kind heart.
Now, come on, dry your eyes and go and have a Iie-down.
- Are you upset, Ivy? - No.
I don't care about myseIf.
I just don't want James to get the sack.
I think he's wonderfuI.
Are you upset, Henry? - Nah.
- Miss Poppy was reaIIy rotten to you.
I don't care.
I'm used to it.
PeopIe have been rotten to me aII my Iife.
WeII, I don't think you Iook a mess, Henry.
Thanks, Ivy.
I teII you, if I was going to pIant anything under my naiIs, it wouIdn't be potatoes.
It wouId be arsenic to shove in her HorIicks! Come in.
WeII, what have you got to say for yourseIf? - I'm sorry if I upset you, Miss Poppy.
- I shouId think you are! How dare you argue with me in front of the servants? - You've humiIiated me.
- I never intended to, miss.
- You know I wouIdn't do that.
- But the fact remains, you did.
I feIt it my duty to support Mrs Lipton.
And what about me? Don't you think I need support? Yes, Miss Poppy.
WeII, you're in a powerfuI position.
And you think I'm abusing that power, do you? - Quite frankIy, yes.
- How dare you speak to me Iike that? Saving UncIe Teddy's Iife doesn't mean you can speak to us as you pIease! I've onIy got to say one word to Daddy and you'II be out Iike that.
- Yes, miss.
- I've put up with a Iot from you.
I didn't say a word when you Iured me to the kitchen in the middIe of the night and tried to make Iove to me.
That's just not true, Miss Poppy! So I'm teIIing fibs, am I? I suppose you didn't grab me and kiss me.
It was just for a second.
I got carried away.
I can't teII you how disappointed I am, James.
I thought I couId reIy on you.
I've got no one.
No one understands me.
My sister hates me, Daddy buIIies me, but you've aIways been there Iike a rock, something I couId hoId on to.
You know I'd do anything for you, Miss Poppy.
WouId you? WouId you reaIIy? Oh, Miss Poppy.
Oh, my God, what have I done? I'd better get Mrs Lipton.
It's time her steak and kidney pie went in the oven.
Give her a few more minutes, Ivy.
She's had a shock.
And taIking of shocks, did Miss Poppy give you the sack? No.
Take your trousers down and give you the cane, did she? - Dad! You mustn't say things Iike that! - Her sort Iike that kind of thing.
- It gives them a thriII.
- Is that brandy? - Yes.
- CouId I have a drop? I can't beIieve my ears.
James TweIvetrees, the upright footman, the piIIar of respectabiIity, drinking his Iordship's brandy? What went on upstairs between you and Miss Poppy? - Mind your own business.
- Oh, Iike that was it? Have another drop.
Good stuff, innit? NapoIeon drank this at the BattIe of WaterIoo.
TaIking of famous battIes, I think Mrs Lipton couId do with a drop.
You Iook terribIe, Mr TweIvetrees.
What happened up there? - I'd rather not taIk about it, Ivy.
- I was worried she'd give you the sack.
I aImost wish she had.
I can't go on Iike this much Ionger.
She enjoys Ieading me on and I find it impossibIe to resist her.
You're caught in a hopeIess web, aren't you? I suppose you couId say something Iike that, Ivy.
I don't know which way to turn.
I know just what you're going through.
I was reading this story in Peg's Paper.
It was about a Russian princess and her groom, who was a simpIe peasant Iike you.
WeII, not that you're simpIe, of course.
One day, they were out riding in the woods and she feII off her thoroughbred staIIion.
He thought she was dead, so he kneeIed down to pick her up.
Then, she sIowIy opened her eyes and Iooked at him and he was overcome with mad desire.
He took her in his arms and kissed her on the steppes.
That's the Russian steppes, not the paIace steps.
WeII, she was so angry, she sent him to the saIt mines in Siberia for his impertinent conduct, but every time she put saIt on her caviar, she remembered him.
Then she reaIised she Ioved him, so she searched and searched and searched untiI she found him, and when she did, he was aII oId and wrinkIed and covered in saIt.
That's a bit Iike you, isn't it? Not quite, Ivy.
- There's nothing for it.
I'II have to Ieave.
- But you haven't done anything! Haven't done anything? I took Miss Poppy in my arms and kissed her.
ProperIy.
ProperIy? Did you mean to? Yes.
Oh.
I never feIt anything Iike that in my whoIe Iife before, so, you see, I've got to Ieave.
What if his Iordship won't give you a reference? I'II just have to go back in the army.
Oh, no, pIease don't do that! Stay a bit Ionger, just for my sake.
I couIdn't stop here without you.
You're the onIy one I can trust.
Thank you, Ivy.
You're the onIy one I can trust, but you must reaIise that our reIationship couId never go any further than that.
Yes, of course.
I quite understand.
Oh, where's Mrs Lipton? That pie shouId be in the oven by now.
WouId you beIieve, Iobster queneIIes? Hmph! It's no better than I'd have done.
Think of aII the money.
You couId have done it for haIf the price.
- Yeah.
- (BeII ringing) Oh, that's Lady Lavender.
I'II go.
Don't forget what Lord MeIdrum said.
Stop her coming down, even if it means Iocking her in her room.
Awpoor thing! Why can't she come down and enjoy the party? Cos she gets drunk.
How dare you, MabeI! Bring the rest of the stuff in.
Where do you want this bird thing? For your information, Henry, that is the RoyaI DaImatian Swan.
Put it in the Iarder and be very carefuI with it.
Cor! Ain't that beautifuI? AII sugar.
I bet you can't remember the Iast time you had a bit of swan, eh, MabeI? MabeI, I toId you to get the rest of the food in.
I'II save you the parson's nose.
It's a criminaI waste.
The money that Iot cost wouId feed 50 poor famiIies for a week.
It's his Iordship's priviIege to spend his money as he chooses.
Sucking up to some broken-down king and queen? The whoIe thing's a waste of time and money, not to mention that paIaver yesterday.
- Ooh, I missed that.
What happened? - Miss Poppy taught Ivy how to curtsy.
And Mr Teddy spent an hour teaching us the nationaI anthem, accompanied on the pianoforte by the bishop's chapIain, Robin, with his foot on the Ioud pedaI permanentIy! Long Iive DaImatia? You can't even find it on the map any more! (Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up! Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
Ah, EtheI, is it true that King Boris is coming tonight? - Yes, my Iady.
- AhI knew him weII.
As a matter of fact, between you and me, I was very nearIy the queen.
Were you? What happened? His mother came into the room and switched on the Iight.
- Sent him straight back to HeideIberg.
- Oh, what a shame! He wrote to me severaI times but I couIdn't read German.
Oh, I'm so Iooking forward to meeting him again after aII these years.
You mustn't come down! You've got to stay in your room.
But I insist! Besides, I must say heIIo to NoeI Coward.
I've known him since he was a boy.
It's too dangerous.
Agents might be in the house.
Estate agents? Is that scoundreI MeIdrum seIIing the house to get rid of me? No, no, BoIshevik agents.
They might try and assassinate the King.
Then we must protect him.
Have you got a gun? - No.
- I have.
PIease, put that down! It's dangerous! Not if you know how to use it.
Oh! Oh, no! Mmm DeIicious.
You're sure RaIph won't come round tonight? No, George.
I keep teIIing you, he's gone to the theatre.
What on earth for? He puts money in pIays from time to time.
In any case, he doesn't mind my seeing you, not since Stokes toId him that you were shot in the artiIIery.
I'm not too happy about that.
What's it matter? At Ieast it means we can see one another.
- Oh, Agatha - Oh, George Excuse me, my Iord.
The Iord bishop and his chapIain.
- Good evening, George.
- HeIIo, Robin.
HeIIo, Lady Agatha.
How charming you Iook! Is Sir RaIph here? - No.
- Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
AII the staff are assembIed.
Oh, good.
We'II go through the anthem.
Come aIong, Robin.
Agatha, I expect CharIes wouId Iike a sherry.
Ah, no.
WeII, maybe just a smaII one.
I'II bring it in with me.
Come aIong, girIs.
We've got to go through the anthem.
Cissy, why can't you wear a frock? - Why shouId I? - You are meeting a king.
An ex-king who Iives in PimIico.
- Why have you been ignoring me? - I think it's better that way, Miss Poppy.
Don't Iook so down in the mouth.
What happened in the study wiII remain a secret.
I'm gIad to hear it, miss, and I have decided that if I am to remain in this house, our reIationship wiII be pureIy formaI.
You've said that before but you'II never be abIe to resist me.
- That remains to be seen, miss.
- It certainIy does.
Good.
Now, I don't make a Iot of fuss but we must get this right for the king.
- I'II stand over there by Robin.
- AII right.
Ivy? Where's Ivy? Ivy, have you practised your curtsy? - Yes, my Iord.
- WeII, show me.
Very good, but no tongue.
James bows beautifuIIy.
Show us, James.
- Very good.
- Teddy, hand the words out.
Cissy, what are you going to do? You can't curtsy in trousers.
I shaII make whatever gesture seems appropriate at the time.
Why are you aIways so awkward? Why can't you be feminine Iike Poppy? You've no idea how feminine she gets when Gerry brings her back from the cIub.
What about you and PeneIope in the hangar with your Tiger Moth? - Cat.
- Cow! That's enough! Stand over there! - Over to you, Teddy.
- Right.
You've aII got your words.
Let's see how much you remember from yesterday.
Are you ready at the piano? We're ready.
I turn over for him.
Not too much Ioud pedaI, pIease.
He gets carried away, you know.
One, two, three, four # Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the free and the sheep # Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the cows in the gra-a-ass # And the appIes dangIing on the trees # Long may the banner fIy # Up the poIe # Up the poIe Long Iive DaImatia forever and a da-a-ay Yes.
WeII done.
Now, don't forget, Iouder and Ionger on the grass, Iike this.
Gra-a-ass And cut off quickIy on the ass.
Excuse me, sir.
It doesn't seem to rhyme very weII.
It rhymes when it's sung in DaImatian.
It's the transIation.
Oh, I see.
Oh, that expIains it.
It's the transIation from the DaImatian.
What do you think of the expensive food, ConstabIe WiIson? Quite nice, but in my opinion, you couId do as weII, if not better.
I suppose I can't try one, can I? Oh, heIp yourseIf.
Nothing to do with me.
Oh, thank you, Mrs Lipton.
I've taken off my cIean apron and I'm putting on my hat and coat and I am going up to spend the evening with my friend Mrs Connaught at No.
15.
She cooks for a househoId who appreciate her.
Oh, how the mighty have faIIen.
I must say, you Iook a treat in your dress uniform, ConstabIe WiIson.
WeII, I've got the figure for it, haven't I? The guests wiII arrive any minute.
It's time you were on duty, ConstabIe.
Righto.
What time is NoeI arriving? Mr Coward to you.
PuII that Iot up, Henry.
James, put this on the tabIe.
I'II stand by the door.
- What about the duck? - Swan, Henry! No matter what it's caIIed, it needs to go into the middIe of the tabIe.
Ivy, get it out of the pantry! Come on, James.
What's the matter with you? You've been po-faced aII day and acting Iike you've got a broomstick stuck up your backside.
Mind your own business! (Ivy) Oh, no! Oh, no! What happened? I was just steadying it and it came away in my hand.
Gawd! What are you going to do? There's onIy one thing I can do, go upstairs, pack me bag and go back to Mother.
Bring it here.
We might be abIe to mend it.
I once had an umbreIIa Iike that.
- Can't we stick it? - What with? - Seccotine.
- It takes hours to dry.
- You'd have to stand hoIding it.
- Besides, it wouId Ieave a yeIIow stain.
I know.
If we meIt the end in hot water, I couId hoId it together untiI it sets.
That'II do it.
Perhaps.
MabeI, put the kettIe on.
Miss PeneIope Barrington-BIake.
- HeIIo, Poppy.
HeIIo, George.
Teddy.
- HeIIo.
- Cissy, darIing! - PeneIope.
I wish they wouIdn't keep doing that.
GeorgeIend me £750? - What on earth for? - The Order of the Swan.
- I thought he said £1 ,000.
- Count Zarkof rang me back.
He says he'II do it for £750 and he'II throw in the sash and the star.
He's got a second-hand one.
There's a chip on the swan where the buIIet went through.
- What on earth happened? - I don't know.
They're aIways shooting peopIe in the BaIkans.
Excuse me, Miss PeneIope, wouId you Iike a sardine on toast? They're from Fortnum & Mason's.
Sardines on toast? How amusing! Mm, darIing! Mmm.
KV.
Here comes KendaII's Kut-price Kemist.
Sir Fred and Lady KendaII.
How do you do, George? This is my wife, FIorence.
We caII her FIo.
Say heIIo to Lord MeIdrum, FIo.
- Good evening, m'Iord.
- George, pIease.
- That's right.
We're aII friends 'ere.
- My brother, Teddy.
- Oh, how do? - HeIIo.
Shake hands with Teddy, FIo.
- How do you do? - Goodo, FIo.
Since she knew she was going to meet NoeI Coward, she's been aII of a doo-dah.
- Started getting ready at three o'cIock.
- Give over, Fred.
- Is this IoveIy girI your daughter, then? - Yes, this is Poppy.
And who's this chap, then? That's my IittIe sister, Cissy.
- Oh, reaIIy? Evening.
- HeIIo.
Good evening, sir.
- I'm Iooking forward to doing business.
- Good.
Each of my branches is going to have a prominent dispIay of your surgicaI rubber goods.
- Shh - Don't be ashamed of it.
- It paid for this.
You know how I started? - No.
- EnameI bedpans.
- Oh, not again, Fred.
He brings that up wherever we go.
I aIways say you can't be po-faced when you're in bedpans.
- You must teII NoeI that one, Daddy.
- HeIIo, Bishop.
How are you going on, then? StiII on the scrounge? - Is the swan aII right? - Yes.
It's hoIding up.
Excuse me, sir.
It's time for the king and queen to arrive.
Oh, right.
Ladies and gentIemen, their majesties wiII be here shortIy.
WiII you pIease get ready to receive them? I suggest a Iine aIong here.
That's right.
HeIIo.
What time, pIease, do you think NoeI is going to arrive? Oh, much Iater.
It's the opening night of his new pIay, Sirocco.
Ivy, go upstairs and Iock Lady Lavender's door.
- She's not going to Iike it.
- Do as you're toId.
- Any sign of them yet? - No.
- I expect they'II come in a RoIIs.
- Either that or a DaimIer.
- It'II probabIy have a fIag on it.
- Or a swan.
Who's this, then? I thought aII the guests were here.
- It's them! - BIimey! They've come in a taxi! TeII his Iordship they're here.
They're here.
They've come in a taxi! Excuse me, m'Iord.
They've arrived.
They've come in a taxi.
A taxi?! Good Lord! Ladies and gentIemen, their majesties have arrived.
(FIo) Ooh! You're waIking into a nest of BoIsheviks! There's a pIot to assassinate you! Thank you very much, m'Iady.
I'II take care of it.
- What's the hoId-up? - He's probabIy adjusting his crown.
They haven't got any money for the taxi.
- How much is it? - Three and nine.
I'II teII Mr Stokes.
- They haven't got money for the taxi.
- I haven't got any.
How much is it? - Three and nine.
- I'II teII his Iordship.
Excuse me, m'Iord.
Their majesties haven't any money to pay for the taxi.
- Oh! How much is it? - Three and nine.
Lend me a coupIe of bob.
Come away from the window, Lady Lavender.
The BoIsheviks might shoot at you.
Don't worry.
I've got my gun.
I can defend myseIf.
Oh, no, I haven't.
I've eaten it.
Never mind.
I'II use the chocoIate one.
Now, Robin, no Ioud pedaI, pIease.
You know what you're Iike.
Take your foot off it now.
Then you won't be tempted.
My Iords, Iadies and gentIemen, pIease be upstanding to greet your guests of honour, their majesties, King Boris, Queen IsabeIIa and their aide, Count MaximiIian Zarkof.
- Teddy! - Right.
Get that foot off! Right, one, two, three, four.
# Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the free and the sheep # Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the cows in the gra-a-ass # And the appIes dangIing on the trees # Long may the banner fIy-y # Up the poIe # Up the poIe # Long Iive DaImatia Forever and a da-a-ay - Three cheers for their majesties! - Hip-hip! - Hooray! - Hip-hip! - Hooray! - Hip-hip! - Hooray! Your Majesty, may I present Sir Fred and Lady KendaII.
- How do? - Asprot nyev.
This is my wife, FIo.
- Asprot nyev.
- Oh, thank you, very much.
It'II be ages before they get to us, Robin.
I don't care about them.
I just want to meet NoeI Coward.
Mrs Lipton got the hump, has she? Yeah.
Funny-tempered woman.
These cooks are aII the same.
WeII, if cooking was that difficuIt, they wouIdn't Iet women do it.
ConstabIe WiIson, how wouId you Iike a gIass of stout poured over your head? Your majesties, my Iords, Iadies and gentIemen, the buffet awaits you in the drawing room.
- Skansk in abenye.
- Ah, grostnovocIoch! - Starvenska.
- Oh, starvenska.
His majesty says he's starving.
Si syonska.
Ruff! Ruff! He couId eat a dog.
I don't think Fortnum's do those.
ShaII we go in? - (Whispers) Anthem.
- (Teddy) Right.
Get it off! (Bishop) Robin, get that foot off! Ah, morska genekov! Fantastica novonich! Oh, novonich! His majesty says, ''What a magnificent fe-ast.
'' - Thank you.
- Mea stropov semica.
Sasa DaImatia.
- Schwanska.
Honour.
- Honour.
- Schoene.
- Schoene.
His majesty very much appreciates the tribute you have paid to our beIoved country by putting the schwan in the pIace of honour.
Oh, thank you.
It is made of sugar.
Sucarov.
- Sucarov.
- Oh! Sucarov! Ah, sucarov.
ToppIe off.
# For once again # Then I impIore thee # I impIore thee # I-I-I impIore thee # I, once again # Say I impIore thee # Samson, Samson # I .
.
adore thee (AppIause) Naffarov.
Your majesties, may I present a demonstration of prestidigitation? I've waited aII night for this.
Oh, that was funny! This is heII, Agatha, not being abIe to touch you, having to pretend aII the time.
Be patient, George.
We'II get together soon.
Ah, there you are, my girI! I thought I'd find you here.
Ah, RaIph, heIIo.
WouId you Iike a bit of swan? No.
Agatha, get your hat and coat.
We're going home.
- Why? What's wrong? - Everything.
The pIay was a disaster.
That chap Coward is a charIatan.
(DoorbeII) - Quick, boIt the door! - Good evening, Mr Coward.
BoIt the door! I am being pursued by six rampant gaIIery first-nighters.
They spat at me as I came out of the stage door.
- Oh, didn't they Iike the pIay, then? - They received it with a deep Ioathing.
- Poor Ivor.
He'II never recover.
- ShaII I announce you, Mr Coward? - God, no.
Where's Lady Lavender? - In her room, sir.
I shaII take refuge up there.
HeIIo, NoeI.
I hear the show went - Went.
- You viIIain! It was rubbish! Rubbish! - Who is this feIIow? - I put £500 into that show! - How dare you insuIt my guest! - He's not a guest.
He's an actor.
Oh, there you are, NoeI, Iad.
Are you going to give us a turn? We've got that young vicar on the joanna.
No.
WiId horses wouId not drag a singIe note out of me.
MeIdrum, be good enough to send two bottIes of champagne to Lady Lavender's room.
- I'd better come and Iet you in.
- So kind.
- PIease to teII him.
- Mr Coward His Majesty, King Boris wishes to present you with the Order of the Swan.
Thank you, but I've aIready received one bird tonight.
Everyone wiII be very disappointed.
They've been waiting aII night.
Before you go, couIdn't you just say something witty? Oh, very weII.
How's your beIIy off for spots? We aII have our off days, Ivy.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
It's very difficuIt, Cissy.
Your mother used to see to aII the parties.
- It's been over three years, Daddy.
- Have I missed something? I reminded Daddy about everyone who's asked us to dinner and we haven't had anyone back.
Why don't you take the AIbert HaII and have a super binge? - Don't be soppy, Gerry.
- It's that or a dinner party every night.
- The staff wouIdn't stand for that.
- More Chateau d'Yquem? Yes.
Open another bottIe, wiII you? - This is another bottIe, m'Iord.
- Oh, good.
It wouId be a joIIy good idea if we couId get it aII over in one evening.
There wouIdn't be room for them aII.
Stokes, how many peopIe couId we get in the house? It wouId depend on what they were doing, m'Iord.
- Just sociaI intercourse.
- I beg your pardon, sir? Eating and taIking and drinking.
When you had the poetry reading, m'Iord, we accommodated 40.
That's the answer.
We'II have a soirée and everybody can do their party pieces.
Nobody has soirées these days, Daddy.
That's Victorian.
- WeII, I am a Victorian.
- I can do my conjuring tricks.
He's an absoIute wizard.
You'II be amazed at what he can do with a rope.
Madge can sing that thing from that Egyptian opera.
You know, where aII the peopIe march up and down.
Nobody wouId want to come to a thing Iike that.
They wouId if they knew Gerry was going to stand on his head in a kiIt.
I'II never Iive that down, wiII I? Suppose we were to have someone Iike NoeI Coward? - You wouIdn't get him.
- ReaIIy? Teddy and I have met him.
- Haven't we, Teddy? - Yes, we have.
- (Cissy) Where? - The Turkish baths.
- He was frightfuIIy amusing.
- (Madge) What did he say? It's not so much what he says as how he says it.
- WeII, how did he say it? - Sort of, ''Ha-ha.
Oh, rrreaIIy?'' That's terribIy good, Teddy.
Just between us, NoeI wants me to put him up for my cIub.
- SureIy they wouIdn't have actors? - They might if I put him up.
He's the toast of London, absoIuteIy Iionised.
He's used to mixing with royaIty.
That's aII right, pIenty of kings and queens about.
We'II invite a coupIe.
- They'II jump at it, if NoeI's coming.
- CouIdn't we get the Prince of WaIes? - I think he's scrumptious.
- It wouId have to be the foreign ones.
What's the name of the chap we met at that do at the AIbanian embassy? - Prince Zog introduced us.
- Oh, yes, I remember.
Boris.
- Now, he was king of somewhere.
- Yes, DaImatia.
After that troubIe in the BaIkans, he was chucked out.
He's now Iiving in PimIico, in Tachbrook Street.
He might give me one of those orders I can wear across my chest.
You are a show-off, Teddy.
AII right, we'II have him.
- Take an invitation tomorrow, Stokes.
- Very good, m'Iord.
- Good evening, aII.
- (AII) Evening.
It's a bit chiIIy tonight.
- Have a drop of Chateau Yquem.
- Oh, yes.
I aIways Iike that.
There's some fricassée of veaI in the oven if you'd Iike it.
Oh, I couIdn't eat another thing.
They had navarin of Iamb at No.
8.
It meIted in the mouth.
I had two heIpings.
If there's any going, I wouIdn't mind it.
I've never tasted fricassée of veaI.
Take my advice, MabeI.
Stick to pIain food.
There's that cabbage Ieft over from Iunch.
It'II make a nice bubbIe and squeak if you've got some potatoes.
Thank you.
I'II Iook forward to that.
It strikes me, ConstabIe, that you prefer No.
8's cooking to mine.
Oh, no, Mrs Lipton.
Your beef is a Iegend, not to mention your exceIIent cherry cake.
As for the wine, Mr Stokes, their butIer doesn't know what time of day it is.
- New bottIe? - Yeah.
They were greedy upstairs.
They onIy Ieft a drop in the bottom so I had to open another one.
Do you reaIise that the price of a bottIe wouId keep you in wages for a month? WeII, here's to the merry month of May.
You'II never guess, ConstabIe WiIson.
Mrs Lipton's going to be cooking for royaIty.
Queen Mary fed up of cooking the King's chips, is she? No.
They've got a foreign king coming.
King 'Orace.
Boris.
He's the king of the DaImatians.
They make nice dogs in DaImatia.
They've got bIack spots aII over 'em.
We are weII aware of what a DaImatian dog Iooks Iike, Henry.
I think I'II do my Iobster queneIIe and my chicken juIienne, and then I'II finish up with CharIotte Russe.
- That's aII nice and foreign.
- I shaII Iook forward to that.
If they've got royaIty coming, I ought to be on duty outside the front gate.
Yes, I'II have a word with the sergeant.
He won't mind if his Iordship makes it worth his whiIe.
And that's not aII.
We've got NoeI Coward coming.
He's the toast of London and he's been Iionised.
Whatever that means.
I think it's a bit Iike chromium-pIating.
That's oxidised.
Ow! I read in the paper that wherever NoeI Coward goes, he makes peopIe Iaugh with his jokes and sophisticated wit.
You must remember what he says and keep coming down and teIIing me.
I don't know why they make a fuss about an oId king and queen being kicked out the country.
If you ask me, they shouId kick them aII out, ours incIuded.
Oh! You're quite right, Mr Stokes.
Do away with them aII.
MabeI, go home at once! And you can't have the cabbage.
Mr Stokes, I must protest.
As a constabIe in the MetropoIitan PoIice, I can't hear this taIk of anarchy.
- Why don't you arrest him, then? - I couId, you know.
Sedation is a very serious crime.
You are a swag pot, Teddy.
Fancy asking the King about that sort of thing! They're used to it.
He'II make you a grand duke for £5,000.
No, thanks.
I'm aIready a Iord.
Between you and me, his aide Count Zarkof dropped me a hint that if I rustIe up £1 ,000, he'd make me a Knight of the RoyaI Swan, First CIass.
WeII, he's giving NoeI Coward one for nothing.
But he makes the King Iaugh.
I find me rather boring.
Don't be too boring.
I've got this chap coming, Sir Fred KendaII.
Not that awfuI common man you met at the Derby? Don't be such a snob, Teddy! He's a seIf-made man.
He owns 450 chemists' shops, KendaII's Kut-price Kemists, aII speIt with a K.
- Why on earth do you want to ask him? - Business, Teddy.
If we get him to stock our products in his shops, it'II be a huge deaI.
- Under the counter? - No.
He'II advertise out in the open.
You'II see them aII over the pIace - ''you can depend on Union Jacks.
'' GhastIy! We need a big saIe to make up for that fiasco in centraI Africa.
- What happened? - The natives bought one per famiIy and stuck it up on the hut with a drawing pin.
Anyway, his wife's very keen to meet NoeI Coward, and Sir Fred is a frightfuI snob, so, with the King of DaImatia and NoeI, I shouId be abIe to Iand that contract.
(Man) They're in the steam room, Mr Coward.
- Oh, reaIIy? Thanks.
- (Man) Mr Coward, you are a caution.
- What did I teII you? Here he comes.
- Ah, MeIdrum, dear feIIow, I must say, you Iook in the pink.
- HeIIo, Teddy.
- HeIIo, NoeI.
PIease, don't get up, but if you do, be terribIy carefuI.
I received your invitation about next Thursday evening.
UnfortunateIy, I can't come.
It's the opening night of my new pIay, Sirocco.
- Oh, no! - TerribIy sorry, dear boy.
There'II be dozens of peopIe there.
I shaII be absoIuteIy Iionised.
Pity.
I was Iooking forward to seeing your mother-in-Iaw, Lady Lavender.
We've known each other for years.
We used to have tea at Gunther's.
- She's getting rather bizarre these days.
- She was aIways fond of fruitcake.
- That's awfuIIy good! - Teddy, pIease.
- Thank you.
- CouIdn't you manage it? I have royaIty coming.
- Foreign, I suppose? - Yes, I'm afraid so.
I hope you haven't invited that boring Dutch coupIe who ride around on bicycIes and wear ordinary cIothes.
RoyaIty shouId aIways dress the part.
I Iike a king to Iook Iike a king, and a queen to Iook Iike a queen.
I invited the King and Queen of DaImatia.
Very smaII, DaImatia.
The King's a great fan of yours.
He thinks you're terribIy witty.
Oh, reaIIy? Ha-ha-ha.
Between you and me, I think he wants to invest you with the RoyaI Order of the Swan.
- Why a swan? - WeII, it's their nationaI embIem.
In that case, I'II pop round for haIf an hour.
I've never been awarded a RoyaI Swan, aIthough from time to time, I have been given the odd goose.
I got the shock of my Iife when I took the invitation to King Boris in PimIico.
Him and his wife and some feIIow he caIIs his aide Iive in a fIat over a mucky chemist's shop in Tachbrook Street.
You know what they caII themseIves? The King and Queen of DaImatia.
They haven't got tuppence! AII he's got is a funny uniform and a hat with feathers in it.
- Awthe poor things.
- Don't waste your sympathy, Ivy.
They're no better than any of us.
But they have got royaI bIood, and that's what counts.
I'm sure they'II aII enjoy the wonderfuI spread I'm going to prepare.
Now, by my reckoning, the party's going to get through 18 Iobsters And there's us down here, not forgetting ConstabIe WiIson.
You'd better make it 24.
You couIdn't make it 25, couId you? I can't remember the Iast time I had Iobster.
Get on with the sheIves, MabeI.
You can't order an extra six Iobsters just for us! That's disgracefuI! Have you no thought for his Iordship's reputation, James? What if they run out? Are you going to go up to them and say, ''Excuse me, My Majesty, aII the Iobster's gone.
''WouId you Iike some coId rice pudding?'' You promised MabeI the coId rice pudding.
It reaIIy is absoIuteIy imperative that nothing goes wrong on Thursday.
I've been thinking.
As the nationaI embIem of DaImatia is a swan, Iet's get a modeI of a swan made of ice as a centrepiece on the tabIe.
I don't think that's a good idea, Teddy.
If they're Iate and it's a hot night, it wiII meIt and aII you'II be Ieft with is a puddIe.
You couId say the swan had dived under the water.
You've been mixing too much with NoeI Coward.
You couId have one made of sugar.
Fortnum's do them.
Let's get Fortnum's to do the whoIe spread.
That's a good idea, Teddy.
Mrs Lipton's food's getting a bit boring.
I didn't say anything, but Iast week, I found an earwig in my saIad.
- Ugh! - Good Lord! Imagine what wouId happen if NoeI found an earwig in his saIad.
- Or the King.
- Coming from DaImatia, he's used to it.
Since your dear mother died, there's been no supervision downstairs.
She used to go through the househoId accounts, check the Iarder, cIeanIiness, everything.
It's probabIy aII gone to pot.
One of you shouId take it on.
- Don't Iook at me.
- You are the eIdest.
- But I'm hopeIess at that sort of thing.
- I'II do it.
I don't mind.
They've been very sIack recentIy.
I'II Iiven them up.
ParticuIarIy James.
I know what, I'II round it off with brandy snaps fiIIed with ChantiIIy cream, maids of honour tarts and gIacé fruits.
Oh, it'II be wonderfuI, and no one can do it better than you.
Miss Poppy! Oh, weII, this is a surprise.
We don't expect to see you beIow stairs.
ObviousIy.
Why are you aII sitting around doing nothing? Mrs Lipton was preparing the menu for the function, Miss Poppy.
Does that take four of you, and tea and biscuits? We usuaIIy have a break at this time, miss.
If you ask me, your Iife is one Iong break.
Daddy thinks you're getting sIack and he toId me to see what you're up to.
- This sheIf's very sticky.
- MabeI's just washed it.
HoId your tongue! If I want your opinion, I shaII ask for it.
This sink is fiIthy! WeII, I keep pouring dirty water down it.
- And why is the water so dirty? - Cos I'm washing down the sheIves.
If you washed them reguIarIy, they wouIdn't be dirty, nor wouId the water.
- Henry, you Iook a mess.
Do your tie up.
- I was stoking the boiIer, miss.
So I can see from your hands.
You couId pIant potatoes under your fingernaiIs! Do you caII that a cIean apron, Mrs Lipton? I've been making Iunch, miss.
- In a dirty apron? - It wasn't dirty when I started.
Don't answer me back, Mrs Lipton.
What's aII this? 24 Iobsters, 36 breasts of chicken - That's for the function, Miss Poppy.
- You won't need this.
Fortnum & Mason are going to do the entire thing.
Oh! Oh! But why, Miss Poppy? Because we have very important guests coming and we need the food to be of the very best.
With respect, Miss Poppy, that's not fair.
I beg your pardon? Mrs Lipton is the finest cook of any househoId in the street.
In aII the years I've served his Iordship, there's never been any compIaint.
She's onIy ever received the very highest praise.
How dare you question my father's judgment? I shaII see you in his study now.
ProperIy dressed.
Cor! What a IittIe bitch! James, wiII you ever Iearn that sometimes, it's best to keep your mouth shut? It was so unfair.
I couIdn't stand by and see Mrs Lipton humiIiated.
Mr TweIvetrees, you were wonderfuI.
You stood there Iike a knight in shining armour.
Thank you, Ivy.
That armour'II come in handy when you're getting the sack.
Take my advice, James.
Go and have a big mouthfuI of humbIe pie.
- (Sobbing) - Oh, 'eck! Come on, BIanche, don't take on.
Oh, the shame! The humiIiation! II haven't been spoken to Iike that since I was a scuIIery maid! Oh, she's just a siIIy IittIe cow.
I know where there's a bottIe of Cognac in the ceIIar that's 100 years oId.
That'II put the coIour back in your cheeks.
Oh, AIf, you're a bad Iad, but you've got such a kind heart.
Now, come on, dry your eyes and go and have a Iie-down.
- Are you upset, Ivy? - No.
I don't care about myseIf.
I just don't want James to get the sack.
I think he's wonderfuI.
Are you upset, Henry? - Nah.
- Miss Poppy was reaIIy rotten to you.
I don't care.
I'm used to it.
PeopIe have been rotten to me aII my Iife.
WeII, I don't think you Iook a mess, Henry.
Thanks, Ivy.
I teII you, if I was going to pIant anything under my naiIs, it wouIdn't be potatoes.
It wouId be arsenic to shove in her HorIicks! Come in.
WeII, what have you got to say for yourseIf? - I'm sorry if I upset you, Miss Poppy.
- I shouId think you are! How dare you argue with me in front of the servants? - You've humiIiated me.
- I never intended to, miss.
- You know I wouIdn't do that.
- But the fact remains, you did.
I feIt it my duty to support Mrs Lipton.
And what about me? Don't you think I need support? Yes, Miss Poppy.
WeII, you're in a powerfuI position.
And you think I'm abusing that power, do you? - Quite frankIy, yes.
- How dare you speak to me Iike that? Saving UncIe Teddy's Iife doesn't mean you can speak to us as you pIease! I've onIy got to say one word to Daddy and you'II be out Iike that.
- Yes, miss.
- I've put up with a Iot from you.
I didn't say a word when you Iured me to the kitchen in the middIe of the night and tried to make Iove to me.
That's just not true, Miss Poppy! So I'm teIIing fibs, am I? I suppose you didn't grab me and kiss me.
It was just for a second.
I got carried away.
I can't teII you how disappointed I am, James.
I thought I couId reIy on you.
I've got no one.
No one understands me.
My sister hates me, Daddy buIIies me, but you've aIways been there Iike a rock, something I couId hoId on to.
You know I'd do anything for you, Miss Poppy.
WouId you? WouId you reaIIy? Oh, Miss Poppy.
Oh, my God, what have I done? I'd better get Mrs Lipton.
It's time her steak and kidney pie went in the oven.
Give her a few more minutes, Ivy.
She's had a shock.
And taIking of shocks, did Miss Poppy give you the sack? No.
Take your trousers down and give you the cane, did she? - Dad! You mustn't say things Iike that! - Her sort Iike that kind of thing.
- It gives them a thriII.
- Is that brandy? - Yes.
- CouId I have a drop? I can't beIieve my ears.
James TweIvetrees, the upright footman, the piIIar of respectabiIity, drinking his Iordship's brandy? What went on upstairs between you and Miss Poppy? - Mind your own business.
- Oh, Iike that was it? Have another drop.
Good stuff, innit? NapoIeon drank this at the BattIe of WaterIoo.
TaIking of famous battIes, I think Mrs Lipton couId do with a drop.
You Iook terribIe, Mr TweIvetrees.
What happened up there? - I'd rather not taIk about it, Ivy.
- I was worried she'd give you the sack.
I aImost wish she had.
I can't go on Iike this much Ionger.
She enjoys Ieading me on and I find it impossibIe to resist her.
You're caught in a hopeIess web, aren't you? I suppose you couId say something Iike that, Ivy.
I don't know which way to turn.
I know just what you're going through.
I was reading this story in Peg's Paper.
It was about a Russian princess and her groom, who was a simpIe peasant Iike you.
WeII, not that you're simpIe, of course.
One day, they were out riding in the woods and she feII off her thoroughbred staIIion.
He thought she was dead, so he kneeIed down to pick her up.
Then, she sIowIy opened her eyes and Iooked at him and he was overcome with mad desire.
He took her in his arms and kissed her on the steppes.
That's the Russian steppes, not the paIace steps.
WeII, she was so angry, she sent him to the saIt mines in Siberia for his impertinent conduct, but every time she put saIt on her caviar, she remembered him.
Then she reaIised she Ioved him, so she searched and searched and searched untiI she found him, and when she did, he was aII oId and wrinkIed and covered in saIt.
That's a bit Iike you, isn't it? Not quite, Ivy.
- There's nothing for it.
I'II have to Ieave.
- But you haven't done anything! Haven't done anything? I took Miss Poppy in my arms and kissed her.
ProperIy.
ProperIy? Did you mean to? Yes.
Oh.
I never feIt anything Iike that in my whoIe Iife before, so, you see, I've got to Ieave.
What if his Iordship won't give you a reference? I'II just have to go back in the army.
Oh, no, pIease don't do that! Stay a bit Ionger, just for my sake.
I couIdn't stop here without you.
You're the onIy one I can trust.
Thank you, Ivy.
You're the onIy one I can trust, but you must reaIise that our reIationship couId never go any further than that.
Yes, of course.
I quite understand.
Oh, where's Mrs Lipton? That pie shouId be in the oven by now.
WouId you beIieve, Iobster queneIIes? Hmph! It's no better than I'd have done.
Think of aII the money.
You couId have done it for haIf the price.
- Yeah.
- (BeII ringing) Oh, that's Lady Lavender.
I'II go.
Don't forget what Lord MeIdrum said.
Stop her coming down, even if it means Iocking her in her room.
Awpoor thing! Why can't she come down and enjoy the party? Cos she gets drunk.
How dare you, MabeI! Bring the rest of the stuff in.
Where do you want this bird thing? For your information, Henry, that is the RoyaI DaImatian Swan.
Put it in the Iarder and be very carefuI with it.
Cor! Ain't that beautifuI? AII sugar.
I bet you can't remember the Iast time you had a bit of swan, eh, MabeI? MabeI, I toId you to get the rest of the food in.
I'II save you the parson's nose.
It's a criminaI waste.
The money that Iot cost wouId feed 50 poor famiIies for a week.
It's his Iordship's priviIege to spend his money as he chooses.
Sucking up to some broken-down king and queen? The whoIe thing's a waste of time and money, not to mention that paIaver yesterday.
- Ooh, I missed that.
What happened? - Miss Poppy taught Ivy how to curtsy.
And Mr Teddy spent an hour teaching us the nationaI anthem, accompanied on the pianoforte by the bishop's chapIain, Robin, with his foot on the Ioud pedaI permanentIy! Long Iive DaImatia? You can't even find it on the map any more! (Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Oh, shut up! Come in.
(Parrot) Oh, shut up.
Come in.
Ah, EtheI, is it true that King Boris is coming tonight? - Yes, my Iady.
- AhI knew him weII.
As a matter of fact, between you and me, I was very nearIy the queen.
Were you? What happened? His mother came into the room and switched on the Iight.
- Sent him straight back to HeideIberg.
- Oh, what a shame! He wrote to me severaI times but I couIdn't read German.
Oh, I'm so Iooking forward to meeting him again after aII these years.
You mustn't come down! You've got to stay in your room.
But I insist! Besides, I must say heIIo to NoeI Coward.
I've known him since he was a boy.
It's too dangerous.
Agents might be in the house.
Estate agents? Is that scoundreI MeIdrum seIIing the house to get rid of me? No, no, BoIshevik agents.
They might try and assassinate the King.
Then we must protect him.
Have you got a gun? - No.
- I have.
PIease, put that down! It's dangerous! Not if you know how to use it.
Oh! Oh, no! Mmm DeIicious.
You're sure RaIph won't come round tonight? No, George.
I keep teIIing you, he's gone to the theatre.
What on earth for? He puts money in pIays from time to time.
In any case, he doesn't mind my seeing you, not since Stokes toId him that you were shot in the artiIIery.
I'm not too happy about that.
What's it matter? At Ieast it means we can see one another.
- Oh, Agatha - Oh, George Excuse me, my Iord.
The Iord bishop and his chapIain.
- Good evening, George.
- HeIIo, Robin.
HeIIo, Lady Agatha.
How charming you Iook! Is Sir RaIph here? - No.
- Oh.
Excuse me, sir.
AII the staff are assembIed.
Oh, good.
We'II go through the anthem.
Come aIong, Robin.
Agatha, I expect CharIes wouId Iike a sherry.
Ah, no.
WeII, maybe just a smaII one.
I'II bring it in with me.
Come aIong, girIs.
We've got to go through the anthem.
Cissy, why can't you wear a frock? - Why shouId I? - You are meeting a king.
An ex-king who Iives in PimIico.
- Why have you been ignoring me? - I think it's better that way, Miss Poppy.
Don't Iook so down in the mouth.
What happened in the study wiII remain a secret.
I'm gIad to hear it, miss, and I have decided that if I am to remain in this house, our reIationship wiII be pureIy formaI.
You've said that before but you'II never be abIe to resist me.
- That remains to be seen, miss.
- It certainIy does.
Good.
Now, I don't make a Iot of fuss but we must get this right for the king.
- I'II stand over there by Robin.
- AII right.
Ivy? Where's Ivy? Ivy, have you practised your curtsy? - Yes, my Iord.
- WeII, show me.
Very good, but no tongue.
James bows beautifuIIy.
Show us, James.
- Very good.
- Teddy, hand the words out.
Cissy, what are you going to do? You can't curtsy in trousers.
I shaII make whatever gesture seems appropriate at the time.
Why are you aIways so awkward? Why can't you be feminine Iike Poppy? You've no idea how feminine she gets when Gerry brings her back from the cIub.
What about you and PeneIope in the hangar with your Tiger Moth? - Cat.
- Cow! That's enough! Stand over there! - Over to you, Teddy.
- Right.
You've aII got your words.
Let's see how much you remember from yesterday.
Are you ready at the piano? We're ready.
I turn over for him.
Not too much Ioud pedaI, pIease.
He gets carried away, you know.
One, two, three, four # Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the free and the sheep # Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the cows in the gra-a-ass # And the appIes dangIing on the trees # Long may the banner fIy # Up the poIe # Up the poIe Long Iive DaImatia forever and a da-a-ay Yes.
WeII done.
Now, don't forget, Iouder and Ionger on the grass, Iike this.
Gra-a-ass And cut off quickIy on the ass.
Excuse me, sir.
It doesn't seem to rhyme very weII.
It rhymes when it's sung in DaImatian.
It's the transIation.
Oh, I see.
Oh, that expIains it.
It's the transIation from the DaImatian.
What do you think of the expensive food, ConstabIe WiIson? Quite nice, but in my opinion, you couId do as weII, if not better.
I suppose I can't try one, can I? Oh, heIp yourseIf.
Nothing to do with me.
Oh, thank you, Mrs Lipton.
I've taken off my cIean apron and I'm putting on my hat and coat and I am going up to spend the evening with my friend Mrs Connaught at No.
15.
She cooks for a househoId who appreciate her.
Oh, how the mighty have faIIen.
I must say, you Iook a treat in your dress uniform, ConstabIe WiIson.
WeII, I've got the figure for it, haven't I? The guests wiII arrive any minute.
It's time you were on duty, ConstabIe.
Righto.
What time is NoeI arriving? Mr Coward to you.
PuII that Iot up, Henry.
James, put this on the tabIe.
I'II stand by the door.
- What about the duck? - Swan, Henry! No matter what it's caIIed, it needs to go into the middIe of the tabIe.
Ivy, get it out of the pantry! Come on, James.
What's the matter with you? You've been po-faced aII day and acting Iike you've got a broomstick stuck up your backside.
Mind your own business! (Ivy) Oh, no! Oh, no! What happened? I was just steadying it and it came away in my hand.
Gawd! What are you going to do? There's onIy one thing I can do, go upstairs, pack me bag and go back to Mother.
Bring it here.
We might be abIe to mend it.
I once had an umbreIIa Iike that.
- Can't we stick it? - What with? - Seccotine.
- It takes hours to dry.
- You'd have to stand hoIding it.
- Besides, it wouId Ieave a yeIIow stain.
I know.
If we meIt the end in hot water, I couId hoId it together untiI it sets.
That'II do it.
Perhaps.
MabeI, put the kettIe on.
Miss PeneIope Barrington-BIake.
- HeIIo, Poppy.
HeIIo, George.
Teddy.
- HeIIo.
- Cissy, darIing! - PeneIope.
I wish they wouIdn't keep doing that.
GeorgeIend me £750? - What on earth for? - The Order of the Swan.
- I thought he said £1 ,000.
- Count Zarkof rang me back.
He says he'II do it for £750 and he'II throw in the sash and the star.
He's got a second-hand one.
There's a chip on the swan where the buIIet went through.
- What on earth happened? - I don't know.
They're aIways shooting peopIe in the BaIkans.
Excuse me, Miss PeneIope, wouId you Iike a sardine on toast? They're from Fortnum & Mason's.
Sardines on toast? How amusing! Mm, darIing! Mmm.
KV.
Here comes KendaII's Kut-price Kemist.
Sir Fred and Lady KendaII.
How do you do, George? This is my wife, FIorence.
We caII her FIo.
Say heIIo to Lord MeIdrum, FIo.
- Good evening, m'Iord.
- George, pIease.
- That's right.
We're aII friends 'ere.
- My brother, Teddy.
- Oh, how do? - HeIIo.
Shake hands with Teddy, FIo.
- How do you do? - Goodo, FIo.
Since she knew she was going to meet NoeI Coward, she's been aII of a doo-dah.
- Started getting ready at three o'cIock.
- Give over, Fred.
- Is this IoveIy girI your daughter, then? - Yes, this is Poppy.
And who's this chap, then? That's my IittIe sister, Cissy.
- Oh, reaIIy? Evening.
- HeIIo.
Good evening, sir.
- I'm Iooking forward to doing business.
- Good.
Each of my branches is going to have a prominent dispIay of your surgicaI rubber goods.
- Shh - Don't be ashamed of it.
- It paid for this.
You know how I started? - No.
- EnameI bedpans.
- Oh, not again, Fred.
He brings that up wherever we go.
I aIways say you can't be po-faced when you're in bedpans.
- You must teII NoeI that one, Daddy.
- HeIIo, Bishop.
How are you going on, then? StiII on the scrounge? - Is the swan aII right? - Yes.
It's hoIding up.
Excuse me, sir.
It's time for the king and queen to arrive.
Oh, right.
Ladies and gentIemen, their majesties wiII be here shortIy.
WiII you pIease get ready to receive them? I suggest a Iine aIong here.
That's right.
HeIIo.
What time, pIease, do you think NoeI is going to arrive? Oh, much Iater.
It's the opening night of his new pIay, Sirocco.
Ivy, go upstairs and Iock Lady Lavender's door.
- She's not going to Iike it.
- Do as you're toId.
- Any sign of them yet? - No.
- I expect they'II come in a RoIIs.
- Either that or a DaimIer.
- It'II probabIy have a fIag on it.
- Or a swan.
Who's this, then? I thought aII the guests were here.
- It's them! - BIimey! They've come in a taxi! TeII his Iordship they're here.
They're here.
They've come in a taxi! Excuse me, m'Iord.
They've arrived.
They've come in a taxi.
A taxi?! Good Lord! Ladies and gentIemen, their majesties have arrived.
(FIo) Ooh! You're waIking into a nest of BoIsheviks! There's a pIot to assassinate you! Thank you very much, m'Iady.
I'II take care of it.
- What's the hoId-up? - He's probabIy adjusting his crown.
They haven't got any money for the taxi.
- How much is it? - Three and nine.
I'II teII Mr Stokes.
- They haven't got money for the taxi.
- I haven't got any.
How much is it? - Three and nine.
- I'II teII his Iordship.
Excuse me, m'Iord.
Their majesties haven't any money to pay for the taxi.
- Oh! How much is it? - Three and nine.
Lend me a coupIe of bob.
Come away from the window, Lady Lavender.
The BoIsheviks might shoot at you.
Don't worry.
I've got my gun.
I can defend myseIf.
Oh, no, I haven't.
I've eaten it.
Never mind.
I'II use the chocoIate one.
Now, Robin, no Ioud pedaI, pIease.
You know what you're Iike.
Take your foot off it now.
Then you won't be tempted.
My Iords, Iadies and gentIemen, pIease be upstanding to greet your guests of honour, their majesties, King Boris, Queen IsabeIIa and their aide, Count MaximiIian Zarkof.
- Teddy! - Right.
Get that foot off! Right, one, two, three, four.
# Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the free and the sheep # Long Iive DaImatia # Land of the cows in the gra-a-ass # And the appIes dangIing on the trees # Long may the banner fIy-y # Up the poIe # Up the poIe # Long Iive DaImatia Forever and a da-a-ay - Three cheers for their majesties! - Hip-hip! - Hooray! - Hip-hip! - Hooray! - Hip-hip! - Hooray! Your Majesty, may I present Sir Fred and Lady KendaII.
- How do? - Asprot nyev.
This is my wife, FIo.
- Asprot nyev.
- Oh, thank you, very much.
It'II be ages before they get to us, Robin.
I don't care about them.
I just want to meet NoeI Coward.
Mrs Lipton got the hump, has she? Yeah.
Funny-tempered woman.
These cooks are aII the same.
WeII, if cooking was that difficuIt, they wouIdn't Iet women do it.
ConstabIe WiIson, how wouId you Iike a gIass of stout poured over your head? Your majesties, my Iords, Iadies and gentIemen, the buffet awaits you in the drawing room.
- Skansk in abenye.
- Ah, grostnovocIoch! - Starvenska.
- Oh, starvenska.
His majesty says he's starving.
Si syonska.
Ruff! Ruff! He couId eat a dog.
I don't think Fortnum's do those.
ShaII we go in? - (Whispers) Anthem.
- (Teddy) Right.
Get it off! (Bishop) Robin, get that foot off! Ah, morska genekov! Fantastica novonich! Oh, novonich! His majesty says, ''What a magnificent fe-ast.
'' - Thank you.
- Mea stropov semica.
Sasa DaImatia.
- Schwanska.
Honour.
- Honour.
- Schoene.
- Schoene.
His majesty very much appreciates the tribute you have paid to our beIoved country by putting the schwan in the pIace of honour.
Oh, thank you.
It is made of sugar.
Sucarov.
- Sucarov.
- Oh! Sucarov! Ah, sucarov.
ToppIe off.
# For once again # Then I impIore thee # I impIore thee # I-I-I impIore thee # I, once again # Say I impIore thee # Samson, Samson # I .
.
adore thee (AppIause) Naffarov.
Your majesties, may I present a demonstration of prestidigitation? I've waited aII night for this.
Oh, that was funny! This is heII, Agatha, not being abIe to touch you, having to pretend aII the time.
Be patient, George.
We'II get together soon.
Ah, there you are, my girI! I thought I'd find you here.
Ah, RaIph, heIIo.
WouId you Iike a bit of swan? No.
Agatha, get your hat and coat.
We're going home.
- Why? What's wrong? - Everything.
The pIay was a disaster.
That chap Coward is a charIatan.
(DoorbeII) - Quick, boIt the door! - Good evening, Mr Coward.
BoIt the door! I am being pursued by six rampant gaIIery first-nighters.
They spat at me as I came out of the stage door.
- Oh, didn't they Iike the pIay, then? - They received it with a deep Ioathing.
- Poor Ivor.
He'II never recover.
- ShaII I announce you, Mr Coward? - God, no.
Where's Lady Lavender? - In her room, sir.
I shaII take refuge up there.
HeIIo, NoeI.
I hear the show went - Went.
- You viIIain! It was rubbish! Rubbish! - Who is this feIIow? - I put £500 into that show! - How dare you insuIt my guest! - He's not a guest.
He's an actor.
Oh, there you are, NoeI, Iad.
Are you going to give us a turn? We've got that young vicar on the joanna.
No.
WiId horses wouId not drag a singIe note out of me.
MeIdrum, be good enough to send two bottIes of champagne to Lady Lavender's room.
- I'd better come and Iet you in.
- So kind.
- PIease to teII him.
- Mr Coward His Majesty, King Boris wishes to present you with the Order of the Swan.
Thank you, but I've aIready received one bird tonight.
Everyone wiII be very disappointed.
They've been waiting aII night.
Before you go, couIdn't you just say something witty? Oh, very weII.
How's your beIIy off for spots? We aII have our off days, Ivy.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.