Z Rock (2008) s02e07 Episode Script

Joey: Hey, it's time.
It's time for the radio show.
It's Eddie Trunk, and I am joined by Neil Latham.
Neil is putting together a great Battle of the Bands this weekend.
And you've got some great prizes $15,000 in cash, the chance for the band to play live nationwide right here on this show.
And we should remind everybody, of course, that employees of Q104 and our parent company are excluded.
So, Neil, the lineup Diablo Royale, Zodiac, Steel Panther and ZO2.
Yes, dude! He just mentioned us on the Eddie Trunk show.
You know how many people listen to this thing? Give us the odds-on favorite.
Who do you like? It's a no-brainer for me.
I'm gonna have to go with my house band.
ZO2.
Yes, Neil! Finally, Neil comes through.
We have to kick ass at this thing.
We have to.
Are you crazy? We're gonna destroy everybody there, especially those pricks in Steel Panther.
I cannot wait to take those guys down.
What do you like so much about 'em? The lead singer Paulie a total rock star, a real throwback to the Robert Plant days.
He just owns it up there.
He's got a mouth this guy's mouth is enormous.
I mean, like swallow a beer can like a Foster's beer can.
(turns off radio) Dude, don't worry about it.
Let's just go pick up Joey at work.
What the hell is this? What happened to you? I blew my knee out.
We're screwed for the Battle of the Bands, guys.
Now we'll never beat Steel Panther.
- You must be Paulie.
- Yeah.
Wow! You really can fit a beer can in his mouth.
- (siren wails) - (engine turns over) - (rock music playing) - We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah! Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming ♪ Here we go ♪ (screams) Kids: Z Rock! How could you possibly let this happen? I was going down to Fieco's my weekly pork pickup.
There was a piece of super sod hanging from the ceiling on a hook.
I couldn't reach it.
I took two cans of olive oil.
I stacked 'em up, stood on it, boom! - Wiped right out.
- So irresponsible! No, it's actually a very common Italian injury.
- How long is it gonna take to heal? - I'll be on my feet in a couple weeks.
- Couple weeks? - Yeah.
- That doesn't help us now! - Battle of the Bands is this weekend.
Do you understand what we're about to miss out on because of your stupidity? Steel Panther.
This would have been our revenge.
Ever since the softball incident, I never forgave those guys.
Enough with the softball incident.
For one perk pretty hot nurse.
She's nice, right? That's Lola.
- (cell phone rings) - That's the third missed call - I've gotten from this girl already.
- Which one? Veronica.
NFL cheerleader.
I remember this thing.
"Supposedly" Warren Sapp's girl? Not supposedly.
She was.
You can't get Warren Sapp's leftovers.
- I already did.
- Enough of that already.
What the hell are we gonna do about the Battle of the Bands? I got a great idea.
- Dude, that was great, man! - Are you crazy? David, this was so sweet of you to even do this, but it sucks.
I will have auditions for a temporary replacement in the morning.
I have rehab in the morning.
- You're supposed to take me.
- I'll just videotape it.
So this way you can see all the contestants.
You'll see 'em all.
We'll all pick it together.
We'll watch it together and pick out who's the right one.
- Wait, we're gonna decide together? - Yes, we'll make you a mix tape.
Good, way to think as a team.
Bye.
Yeah, this is a lot of fun, but I'm gonna go do anything else in the world, so you guys lock up when you leave.
Have fun playing with Make-a-Wish over here.
We'll see you soon, okay? Think positive, guys.
- I'll be right back.
Hold on, guys.
- Get me out of this thing, will you? Yo, Neil.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Hold up for just one second, all right? You know how you mentioned the band on the Eddie Trunk show? Yeah, man, how sweet was that? Thousands of people heard that.
It was great.
Then you made that mouth comment.
And you know what? Sometimes I feel like just punching you.
- That's the problem.
- Would that make you feel better? Just hitting me and then we can get past this? - It'll definitely help, yeah.
- Let's do stomach.
All right, no, you know what? I don't wanna do stomach.
- Why not? - It's gonna hurt.
- I don't wanna cry in front of you.
- Let's just do arm.
Do arm.
Arm's not gonna send a message.
I got great arms.
Here's what we're gonna do, all right? You're gonna give me a nut shot.
All right? - All right.
- Let's make it happen me and you.
- All right.
Let's go.
- What are you doing? I'm pulling out my nuts.
You can slap 'em.
All right, let's have lunch.
- Dina: We're back.
- Paulie: Perfect timing.
- How'd the auditions go? - The montage looks great.
- Let's see it.
- All right.
- Take a seat.
- Go ahead.
- You ready? - I am ready.
Let's go.
I got to use some really cool transitions.
You're getting good with that video editing thing.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, looks great.
Fast forward to the drummers.
That could be a problem.
No drummers showed up.
What do you mean no drummers showed up? You said it turned out great.
The montage.
Apparently, no one wants to be a replacement drummer for an unknown band with no pay.
Whoa! Who's this guy? That's the pizza delivery boy.
Boy? He's about 90.
He's tremendous.
Look at this guy.
Dina: All we need is one guy.
Please tell me you hired him.
He's perfect.
Paulie: You don't think I asked? He said no.
He said, "How much does it pay?" I said, "Nothing.
" He says, "All right, where's my money?" - Freak! What the hell is this? - That helps, trust me.
You're scratching your ass on my drums? I had an itch.
Jesus Christ! This is what you do when I'm not there, right? Freak! Fucking idiot.
Right in the crack, too.
- What's wrong with you? - Paulie: I have sensitive skin.
Whatever.
Let's just drop it.
We've got a problem right now.
We have to find a drummer for Battle of the Bands.
Yo, you guys.
Joey: Stix! What the hell are you doing here? I'm here to try out for the drummer position.
You guys need a drummer, and I wanna get some revenge, okay? - Dina: And this is? - David: This is Stix.
He plays with Steel Panther.
I'm not playing with them for long, because my plan is to join your band.
Dina: Why would we trust you? It's not a pleasant story, but two weeks ago Thursday the guys in my band, they decided to gangbang my chick, man.
And they also gave her a golden tornado.
And they know that Friday night is golden tornado night, and Thursday night is just gangbang.
That shit broke my heart.
You know what? I'm pissed.
And that's why I figured I'd join your band, leave those guys hanging at the last minute of the Battle of the Bands.
We win.
They're screwed.
Are you guys really considering this? That's Stix.
He's a human piece of garbage.
Joseph, please be nice.
We have no alternative.
He is an awesome drummer.
Dina: That's what matters.
Guys, let me give him the test.
- What test? - I can test your sincerity, okay? I'm a Pisces.
I can sniff out the truth.
- All right.
- Stand still and look me in the eye for about three seconds.
(sniffs) Shit, he's for real, dude.
You're in.
Sweet! - (sniffs) Is that Pantene? - No, that's Nexxus.
Dude, seriously, thanks for taking time to show me all these rad chops that you wrote, man.
Shut up.
You may have fooled those two mopes, okay? Nothing gets by me.
If you're gonna take my spot for the night, I wanna make sure you're good enough.
You ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.
- Taste a little bit of this, baby.
I don't have a triangle.
That's right.
Figure something out.
Sneaky.
Yeah.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Show a little respect.
I'm in a wheelchair, for God's sake.
Sorry, man.
It's all right.
You could obviously play.
Maybe we can win this Battle of the Bands with you.
- Let's get back to the jam.
- All right.
Neil: Good evening, rock 'n' rollers.
Neil Latham Productions is proud to bring you the first annual Battle of the Bands.
And your first band this evening, welcome Steel Panther! (hard-rock music playing) All right, yeah! Come on! Those sneaky bastards they schmuck-baited us.
Stix was never gonna play with us.
Never! He wanted to make sure that we had no drummer for this show.
We could have been looking for a drummer this whole time! We hired our rival band's drummer.
His name is Stix Zadinia.
He fooled us all.
We're three idiots.
Dare to walk on metal Dare to walk on metal Dare to walk on metal! You know what it is? He stabbed us in the back like Lando did to Han Solo in "Empire Strikes Back.
" Picture this Han Solo, Princess Leia and Chewbacca, because of this obviously, and then we go in I'm C3PO.
Okay, you can be R2D2 because of the robotic leg.
- Guys.
Guys.
Dave.
- Yeah.
There's a girl here Veronica to see you.
- Veronica's here? - Yeah.
No kidding.
That's the chick that's been calling me.
- Joey: Warren Sapp's girl? - Easy.
She was my girl too.
Hi, I've been trying to reach you.
I have something important to tell you.
- Yeah.
- (shouts) (water sloshes) My water's just broke.
Oh, man, she's pregnant and a squirter.
Neil: Everyone, please give us a moment here.
We have a pregnant lady coming through.
So if you can just give us some room, we have to get her out of here.
On a slightly unrelated note, if anybody would like to buy a discount carpet slightly marred by the nutty aroma of pre-birth, see me after the show.
Hey, Veronica, you're in good hands.
Keep trucking, girl.
Keep trucking? You guys aren't pussing out, are you? No, we're not going anywhere, all right? You guys probably are 'cause you know our band crushes your band.
Just look how bitchen our clothes are.
Are you guys endorsed by the BeDazzler? This is Roberto Cavalli.
That's Hot Topic.
What are you talking about? We don't buy our clothes from the mall, dude.
Nope.
We get 'em custom-made by people who make bitchen clothes.
All right, guys, go.
- David, what does she want anyway? - I don't know.
I haven't seen her in nine months.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Dave, did I just hear you say you haven't seen that pregnant girl - in nine months? - Yeah.
And she shows up today to tell you something very important? - Yeah.
- I think it's obvious why she's here.
Am I right? She came to get her jacket back.
I'm just fucking with you, man.
You're gonna be a dad.
Mazel tov! To life, everyone! Next half hour, regular priced drinks at the bar.
God, this is a mess.
Yeah, tell me about it.
We have to find a freakin' drummer.
Don't worry.
I'm on it.
What are you guys talking drummer? Dude, I'm gonna be a dad.
Did you not just see what happened? There's no way that kid is yours.
All the big animals you banged, you never got one of them pregnant.
The one hot one you've had, you think you got her pregnant? Calm down, calm down.
We have a job to do right now.
She's gonna be in labor for how long? - 45 minutes.
- You see? You know what? No, that's an abortion.
What? Oh! - Are you a rocker? - Of course.
Nothing is more rock 'n' roll than an illegitimate child.
You wanna be responsible? Once a month we give her an envelope full of cash anonymous envelope from the father.
She knows I'm the dad.
Obviously, that's what she was coming here to tell me.
You don't know that.
Pregnancy makes you very emotional.
It's like being an alcoholic.
You gotta go back and apologize to people.
She's probably going back to everyone she's ever fucked and just touching base with them.
Speaking of touching base, we need you to touch your bass - on stage tonight.
- Guys, to hell with this band.
I gotta go see my baby, all right? That's it.
Great.
Now we don't even have a bass player.
Unbelievable.
All right, calm down.
I will go get him.
He will be back here in time for the show.
David! David! David Z, wait.
- Dina, don't try to stop me, all right? - David, I have a plan.
I knew my ample bosoms and my birthing hips would come in handy someday, and today's the day.
- You sure this is gonna work? - Trust me, David.
I've done this a million times, okay? You ready? - Yeah.
- Three two one.
(screaming) Help me! This thing's ripping me open! She's not kidding.
She's pregnant.
Very pregnant.
Something bad's happening.
I think it's evil.
- Just calm down.
Just calm down.
- Help! I think it's crawling out.
I wanna have it right here.
It's all right.
Remember your breathing.
(exhaling) No, honey, please don't.
All right, all right now.
Calm down.
It's coming right now.
It's coming out.
Oh shit.
The father's a loveseat.
Paulie: What are we gonna do? A monkey can play bass.
I'm a master percussionist.
I can't play bass? I can't do a little of this stuff? Here - Let's see.
First, get the bass.
- Okay.
- You do a little of this here.
- All right.
And watch this.
Oh, yeah! That's wonderful.
- There you go.
- What key was that? Listen, those moves were better than Dave's moves.
- Nice job, dudes.
- Joey: Oh, great, look at this.
- Nailed it! - Great show.
Great show.
So this is where all the bands who can't play hang out, right? Shouldn't you guys be out stealing lyrics from some lame '80s band? Nice jab.
Actually, we can write lyrics on the spot.
Check it out.
I fucked your girlfriend Just last night I fucked your girlfriend Babe, that pussy wasn't tight, yeah, I fucked your girlfriend And I punched her in the face, yeah! I fucked your girlfriend, shot my load all over the place.
Awesome! You guys are really pathetic.
You know that? That's what you do? And we also play good softball, obviously.
(Joey sighs) Not the softball thing again.
I'm not the first person to ever knock themselves out with a bat, okay? I checked it on Google.
There are a half dozen other people that have done it.
Enough already, guys, all right? Knock it off.
Come on, really.
The outfits.
Come on, I know that's a wig.
That's not your real hair.
- What is with the whole getups? - That's not a wig.
Look.
- (wincing) - It's moving! Of course it's a wig.
Boys, what's the ruckus? Daddy? What are you doing here? You never come see us play.
- You know Party Marty? - That's not Party Marty.
That's my dad, all right? I had to come tonight.
I had to support my favorite band Steel Panther! Your own dad likes them? Let's go, guys.
I'll buy you a drink and you can finally give me that golden tornado.
What? Joey: Jerkoffs.
So what's the problem, ma'am? Well, clearly, Officer, I've had a hysterical pregnancy.
This is not a New Jersey prom, ma'am, where you have a baby, you don't have a baby, then you go dancing.
Okay? It's a hospital regulations, procedures.
You have the most beautiful brown eyes.
I am just lost in them.
I'm probably gonna have to taser you.
Lola.
- Joey's friend.
- Yeah.
I need you to do me a big favor.
Can you help me get into the delivery room? I think this girl I know is about to have my kid.
God.
You know, I could get fired for this.
- Please.
- Come on.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for this.
I wanna make sure I see the baby come out.
No problem.
Just try not to be nervous and don't faint, okay? Right there, Delivery Room A.
One more thing if I lose my job over this, I got three crazy brothers in Queens that are ready to come after you.
I'm talking about certified crazy.
They will fuck your shit up.
- You hear me? - I don't fuck with Queens, yeah.
Okay, good, now go in there, okay? - All right.
- Put your mask Good luck.
Hold on, stop pushing.
It's my baby.
She's having my baby.
- Son of a bitch! - (Veronica screaming) - Shit.
Warren Sapp.
- I knew it.
Soon as I seen that long black hair, I thought you were cheating on me with an Indian woman, but it looks like an Indian man! No no no! I'm sorry! - (baby crying) - It's a girl! It's a black girl.
(kisses) You lucky dog.
That's not my baby? Of course it's not your baby.
No, of course not.
Then what was so important that you had to tell me? I want my jacket back! Dude, I'm sorry for whooping that ass.
If there's anything I can do, just let me know.
No, man, there's nothing unless you know a great drummer.
- (crowd clapping) - Listen to them.
They're going crazy.
This would have been perfect for us.
We would have took the trophy.
Now we're gonna lose to Steel Panther again.
We definitely could have won! (sighs) We gotta get out of here, though.
- I can't face them again.
- No way.
We're sneaking out.
- Is there a backdoor in here? - This is Neil's club.
There's gotta be 100 backdoors.
- (crowd yelling) - Guys, come on, man.
This crowd's gonna tear my fucking place apart.
You gotta get out there and perform, man.
Neil, we got nothing.
You gotta sneak us out of here.
Distract Steel Panther so we can pass.
- How am I gonna distract them? - I don't know.
Do what you do best.
How is me trying to suck my own cock gonna distract people for that long? I think that answered its own question.
That'd be very distracting.
We can sneak right out.
I can only hold the position for 15 seconds.
See, if you weren't freaking in a wheelchair, we could have ran out.
- I can make it.
Wanna try it? - No.
Great news! I'm not a father.
- Hooray.
- Whoo-hoo.
Dude, just smile.
Look look.
I brought a friend for you.
Lola, you made it.
That put a smile on your face.
This doesn't help our problem.
We're gonna lose the Battle of the Bands.
We do not have a drummer.
Aha! We do.
Dude, come in.
- Hey hey hey hey! - Warren Sapp! - You're my favorite dancer! - Football player.
- Huh? I don't follow you.
- Football.
You play football, too? Okay, Warren Sapp the dancer, it's a pleasure to meet you, but we need a drummer, not a football dancer.
He is a drummer.
I got a graduate's degree in Pan-African drumbeats.
How do I know you got rock 'n' roll blood in you? - Stick.
- Crowd: We want a band! We want a band! We want a band! We want a band! (screams) - Let's do it.
- God, I'm in! Yeah! Now I want you to welcome to the stage the final band in this Battle of the Bands I want you to make some noise for ZO2! Featuring future NFL Hall of Famer, proud new father and the owner of some dance moves that'll make your grandmother shit her bloomers make some noise Warren Sapp! White lightning Fuel injection running through my veins I think I'm going insane Red line Highway Gotta make it to the other side.
All right, it's Eddie Trunk.
We are live on the air with the winners of the Battle of the Bands ZO2, with the great Warren Sapp on drums.
Tell everybody about the song you're about to play.
So it's a song called "Red Line Highway.
" - It's kind of about driving.
- (chime) You know, no rules, no speed limit.
Hey, Paulie, hold up a sec.
Hold up.
I'm getting a note here from my producer.
Warren, have you ever done radio? I did "Drum Circle" on Saturday morning.
- In Florida, right? - Yeah, down in Tampa.
That station is a sister station of our network here, and there can be no association with the Battle of the Bands and this radio ownership group.
Eddie, hi Dina Malinsky, manager of the band.
Dina, if you're the manager of the band, you should be in touch with Neil This was a last-minute thing, Eddie.
The man worked for our sister station.
You guys are immediately disqualified.
- Paulie: Disqualified? - You guys have to leave.
This is over.
I'm sorry.
Warren, you're a DJ, a football player, a dancer? How many fucking jobs do you have? - Ah.
- Dina: All right, guys, come on.
Out.
- What are you doing here? - This band is here - to claim their prize, bro.
- We just heard you guys lost.
Technically, we won.
You know that.
And then technically, we un-won 'cause we were disqualified.
So you guys are only winners by default.
But in the end, you guys lose and we win.
And hey, that means we win 15Gs.
Five grand a guy and the crown, dude.
We get a crown.
You know what, dude? It's gonna be okay, man.
(stammers) Don't you ever touch my fucking hair again, all right? What are you gonna do about it, huh? Touch it again and I'll show you, you fucking princess.
- Go ahead, touch it again.
- Touch it, dude.
We all got your back.
- We got your back.
- Alexi doesn't have my back.
Look, he's putting makeup on.
- Go ahead, princess, I dare you.
- Touch his fucking hair.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Oh, no! Paulie! Oh, my God! Look at this fucking douchebag! - Not again! - Shit.
Always in the shadow of the panther.
Boys, it's time to give him a golden tornado.
- Do it! - Nobody pees on Paulie.
What the fuck? No! There's no pee in a golden tornado.
(theme music playing) - Man: One, two, three! - Kids: Z Rock! Man: Intermission.