According To Jim s02e08 Episode Script

It's gonna hurt.
No, it won't, honey.
I promise.
Yes, it will.
It will hurt bad! Mommy! Gracie's just kidding.
Aren't you, Gracie? Yes.
I'm kidding.
All right, we're going to do it on three.
You ready? One, two Are you sure you're ready? Daddy, just do it.
Oh, baby! Grab him, grab him, grab him! Come on! Nobody's tackling out there.
Cheryl, don't bring the boy in here.
I don't want him to see the Bears like this.
Honey, I thought you were coming to church with us today.
No.
God needs me here! Daddy, does God like the Bears? Not like he used to.
Good morning.
Hey! Jim, you're wearing your fancy boxers to church today? Oh, you're just mad because I can look so fine for a buck 99.
Oh, honey, come on.
I wish you'd come to church.
You're going to love the new minister.
He's smart and funny.
He's a real regular guy.
She ain't lying, Tex.
This guy is the real deal.
You'd be crazy to miss Whoa! The Bears are on? I thought they were the late game.
No! Andy, what are you doing? I don't want to get Cheez Doodles on my church pants.
Just come with us.
I swear, honey, you're gonna thank us when you meet the new reverend.
Cheryl, if God wanted me in church right now, he would give me a sign.
Touchdown, Philadelphia! It's Philadelphia, 37, Bears, 3.
The Bears are getting killed! Good for me, let's go.
The point is, how many of us here really know God? Andy, why do you keep squirming? I've got a Doodle in my pants.
Maybe the bigger question here is, how many of us would just pass him by without so much as a nod? I know this guy from somewhere.
I've seen him before or something.
Reverend Pierson? Yeah.
Pierson.
Pierson.
Come on.
Say your prayers, Pierson.
No, Jim, please.
Time out.
Time out! Time out? There is no time out in dodgeball.
I mean, his lip was swollen for like three weeks.
He looked like a bird.
And some jerk, I can't remember who it was, gave him the nickname "Beaky.
" - Beaky? - Yeah.
That's pretty funny.
Thanks.
Cheryl, hi, how are you? Hi.
Dana, how are you? Hello.
Hi, kids.
It's nice to see you guys, as always.
That was quite a sermon.
Yeah, I think you talked a lot of people out of hell today.
Ah.
You know, I've been meaning to ask you about the church's toddler program.
You know, I feel like Kyle's been on the waiting list for a really long time.
- Oh, I see.
- And you think the waiting list is for the other people's children.
Hmm? I'm just joking.
No, actually, I heard there is an opening.
We'd love to have Kyle.
Oh, great.
I can't thank you enough.
Sure.
You hit a minister with a dodgeball.
Heap bad mojo.
If I were you, I'd go over there and apologize.
For what? There are no time outs in dodgeball.
No, I'm just gonna hang here till it's time to go.
Jim.
Yeah, right here.
Hey! Sorry.
These arms are too short to box with God.
Honey! Honey, I want you to meet Reverend Pierson.
Revered Pierson, this is my husband, Jim.
Jim, hi.
It's nice to finally meet you.
You know, we were starting to think that Cheryl here was a single mom.
Nice to finally meet you, too.
I mean, because we've never met before.
Right.
Right.
Reverend Pierson, we'd love to have you over for dinner sometime.
Oh, well, that Oh, wait a second, you guys aren't cannibals, are you? I did some missionary work in the Amazon.
I gotta ask that.
I'm sorry.
Isn't he funny? Well, yeah.
But bear in mind, we just met.
Listen, um, can you talk to your boss about getting the Bears in the playoffs? Oh.
I don't think you have to worry about the Bears.
Word is, they just came back and won 42 to 38.
I missed it? Damn it! Honey! I mean No, damn it! Oh, knock it off with that four-man rush! Your corners are man-up on the receivers.
That is textbook, Shanahan! Is there any way I could take that part of your brain that loves football and give it to Cheryl? Yeah, but then she'd also be repulsed by you.
- Did you see that? - Great catch! Cheryl, can you get it? I'm sitting.
Oh! Oh, no.
- Reverend Pierson, I didn't expect - I mean, welcome! I was just in the neighborhood greeting lepers.
I'm just joking.
Is this a bad time? Can I come in? No, please, come in.
Great.
Thank you.
This is just great.
Come in! Turn down the TV.
Get your Flights off the table.
Honey, go make sure Daddy flushed.
Hey! Look, everybody.
It's Reverend Pierson! Yeah, it's good to see you for the second time.
Right.
Honey, get the man a chilidog.
Jim, Reverend doesn't want a chilidog.
You know, actually, I would love a chilidog.
You know what they say about ministers who eat chilidogs? They have to sit in their own pew.
Right on! Well Sit down.
Sit down, Rev.
Sit down, please.
Well, you know, it's really refreshing to see people that don't take that whole "body is a temple" thing too seriously.
Boy! Bears really pulled it out today.
Oh, yeah.
Are you a football fan, Reverend? Oh, yeah.
I love football.
I love all sorts of sports.
Baseball, basketball, football.
Dodgeball.
Oh, sweet Mother of God! Hey, you know what I think is an underrated sport? The one where the Scottish guys throw the trees.
You know, I'd like to see that Okay, let's cut the crap, Jim.
You know who I am.
Yes.
Yes? Yes, what? Yes, Beaky.
Beaky.
What a What a confidence builder for an awkward 12-year-old boy confused about the changes taking place in his body.
You know, it started as Beaky.
But then overnight it changed to Freaky Beaky.
Kids are clever that way.
They like to build on a theme.
You know, nobody wanted to be friends with Freaky Beaky.
Nobody wanted to date Freaky Beaky.
And nobody wanted to kiss Freaky Beaky.
- Yeah, well, look at it now.
- I mean, here we are years later, laughing, eating chilidogs Life is funny, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah, it's funny.
It's funny how you can be up there preaching about love and forgiveness and then see the person who caused you so much humiliation.
And then suddenly, all that anger starts to flood back in until all you wanna do is just jump down off that pulpit and rip out his still-beating heart.
Cheryl, how are you doing on those chilidogs? I will never forgive you for what you did to me that day, Jim.
Never! I think you have to.
You're a minister.
That's your job.
Yeah, you know, actually, I've thought about that, and guess what? I'm not gonna.
What? You're gonna pay for what you did to me, Jim.
How can you Oh! Look at this! Ah.
What a perfect Sunday treat.
Mmm.
I put the cheese on in the shape of a cross so you'd feel more at home.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh! Delicioso.
Even with the vulgar religious symbolism there.
Well You know, I probably should get going.
Okay.
But this was really fun.
Maybe we'll make this a weekly event.
Like hell you will.
Jim! Oh, it's okay.
You know, I actually like a strangely dark sense of humor.
I don't get it, but I like it.
Okay, I'll see you guys next week in church.
Okay.
Jim, you'll be there, right? Fat chance, nutjob! Where's the off switch on this guy? - Bye, Reverend.
- Okay.
Thanks for stopping by.
"Fat chance, nutjob"? Well, I don't understand, why would you hit him if he called the time out? There are no time outs in dodgeball.
I told you that.
Well, still, you shouldn't have hit him.
Well, maybe he could've dodged the ball.
Time out.
Like my grandfather would call "time out" on the beaches of Normandy.
Jim, he was there on a bus tour in 1965.
Honey, did you at least try to talk to him? Come on! He's weirder than a five-dollar bill.
You know, the newer ones where the Presidents have giant heads? I'm telling you, this guy is out to get me.
- Oh, Jim! - He is.
Honey, he's a minister.
What do you think he's gonna do? I don't know.
Frogs, locusts.
They've got a bag of tricks, those guys.
Hey, what's wrong with this chili? It's turkey chili.
It's begun.
Hello? Yeah, this is she.
Oh, no.
No, there must be some mistake.
No, because, you see, Reverend Pierson told me He did? Oh.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, bye.
- What? - What's that? What? That was the church.
Kyle just got kicked out of the toddler program.
Thanks, Jim.
Thanks for being such a rotten little kid.
Come on, what's the big deal? Kyle can pick his nose and eat paste anywhere.
No, no.
No, Jim.
This toddler program feeds into Hillridge Preschool.
And kids from Hillridge get on the list to Sacred Cross Academy, which consistently places graduates in Ivy League schools.
Cheryl, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself here.
I mean, come on, Kyle's still crapping his pants.
Oh, I just can't believe this.
I worked so hard to make this happen.
This is one of those silences where you want me to say, "I'm gonna make it better," isn't it? All right.
I'll talk to him next Sunday.
- Thank you, honey.
- All right.
Tell me where the rule book is.
What rule book? You know, the religious one.
The Bible? There are a lot of good stories in there about compassion and forgiveness.
I'm gonna find every one of them and cram them down his throat.
I'll give you five bucks if you touch that lady's hair.
Five bucks? Five bucks just to touch it? Good morning.
Uh The first reading today comes from Isaiah, Chapter 40, Verse 1.
I'm sorry, folks, I can't go on.
Um Jim, would you please stand? Don't worry, honey.
I am prepared.
I read the whole thing, even the Jewish part.
Jim and I went to school together, and, well, he injured me during a dodgeball game, even though I called a time out.
There are no time outs in dodgeball! Says you! Anyway, uh, I took my anger out on his family, and that was wrong.
And, well, I've done a lot of soul-searching this last week, and, um, I still can't forgive him.
And a man of God who can't forgive is not a man of God at all.
So, I think it's probably best for everybody here if I just step down as your pastor.
What? That's it.
We're out of here.
Jim! For God sakes, say something.
Okay.
Um Okay.
Let's have a show of hands here, how many people believe that there are no time outs in dodgeball? Hey, Margie, I'll see you at the bake sale.
I Hey, don't shun me.
He did it! Hey, girls.
Well, at least you're still here.
We can't drive.
- Daddy? - Hmm.
Why is everybody mad at you this time? Well, a long time ago I played dodgeball with the Reverend Pierson.
I'm really good at dodgeball.
All the boys are afraid of her because she aims for their boy parts.
You know, that's not nice, honey.
Although, very good strategy.
Anyway, I hit him with the ball.
And I hurt him, a little bit.
And he's still mad at me.
I mean, I was just a kid, and that's what kids do, I mean I can draw a star.
Where are you, Gracie? You know, I was hit hundreds of times by a dodgeball.
I never held a grudge.
I just threw the ball back.
He should do that.
What? He should throw the ball at you.
There's a ball at the playground.
Oh, honey.
I think it's just a little more complicated than that.
I mean, we're both grown men, and Do you think it would work? Yeah, give the baby his bottle.
Hey.
If you're here about Kyle, don't worry about it.
I've already put him back in the toddler program.
Thanks.
You know, I would like to settle our differences.
Okay, well, um, if we're dueling, I'll choose Bibles at dawn.
What am I supposed to do with this? Nail me with it.
Come on! Come on, nail me with it! Come on, Jim, that's like something a six-year-old would come up with.
Well, go ahead and hate me, all right? But if everybody who hated me quit their jobs, this city would grind to a halt.
Jim, I'm sorry, could you please leave, okay? I'm kind of busy here, all right? A man accumulates a lot of memories in three weeks.
I've done some thinking, too, in this last week.
And, um, what I did was probably as wrong as As you not knowing the rules.
Okay, come on.
I'm opening up here, man.
I'm doing my best.
You can come and at least meet me seven-eighths of the way.
Well, keep going.
I'm not sure you've done your full eighth yet.
Well, I just wish that we could go back to that moment and I could make it better.
So, you mean you wouldn't hit me? Well, no, I'd nail you.
But instead of laughing, you know, I probably would've walked over to you and helped you up, and asked if you were okay.
Now, I know it's are you okay? Yeah.
I'm okay.
You don't wanna really leave, do you? I do love this congregation.
Oh, they love you too.
I mean, my wife, I've never seen her more excited about a guy who is not Russell Crowe.
You know, I actually get that a lot.
I think it's the beard and the shoulders, and the, uh smoldering masculinity.
I think so.
Please stay.
Okay.
Okay.
But I'm just doing it 'cause I want to get close to your wife.
That's I'm joking! Okay.
So I'm gonna see you around, right? Right.
Good.
You know, I I'm so used to calling you Beaky that I never What is your real name? First name.
Gaylord.
Ain't nothing to make fun of there! What? I wasn't going to do it when you were looking.
Good game, huh? Yeah.
Now, this is Bears football.
Hmm.
Boy, you know, you were right.
My pants are gonna be perfectly clean for the 5:00 service.
Touchdown! Yeah! Yeah!