All In The Family s02e08 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days [ Edith .]
and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ together .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ together .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days ooh, I've never been so cold in my life.
Ma, what's taking daddy so long? I'm freezing.
Archie, did you fix the furnace yet? [ Clattering .]
[ Archie .]
Long ago, Edith.
But I'm staying down here because I love the cellar.
Oh, I see.
Dingbat.
Gloria, pass the toast.
Here.
Have some more coffee.
It'll take the chill off your bones.
Thanks, ma.
Why does the furnace only break down on Sundays? Your father made up a joke about that.
He said, "we got a religious oil burner.
It never works on Sunday.
" [ Laughing .]
When your father told me, I thought I'd never stop laughing.
Well, I think I got the damn thing fixed.
We should have some heat up here in a few minutes.
Oh, good.
Yeah, but a funny thing hit me when I was down there.
[ Laughs .]
We got a religious oil burner.
It don't work Sundays.
[ Laughing .]
I just told them that joke, Archie.
Oh, thank you.
[ Doorbell buzzes .]
I'll get it.
Wait a minute.
Hold your horses there, meathead.
Don't be grabbin' seconds till other people get firsts.
- [ Edith .]
Who was that? - Someone delivering these leaflets.
Oh.
What does it say? It says, "would you like to sell your house? "The Chester byrd real estate agency is prepared to offer you "A substantial profit on your original purchase price if you'll act now.
If interested, call Mr.
byrd at 877--" let me see that there leaflet.
"Chester byrd--" "substantial profit.
" They got them words underlined here.
Hey, who would want to pay a lot of money for this house? Are you kiddin'? They don't build homes like this nowadays.
This house is constructed way better than the new ones you see around today.
So are the pyramids, but who'd want to live there? You would if they'd let you in for nothin'.
Daddy, you still haven't answered Michael's question: Who would want to buy this house? Lots of people, little girl.
Oh, I don't know, Archie.
Oh, all right, Edith.
I ain't sayin' everybody.
After all, one man's goose is another man's gander.
All I'm saying is That somewhere there's a man for who this house is perfect.
What if he lives in Japan? Then he loses out, Edith.
But, daddy, why would you want to sell? Your mortgage is almost paid up.
Yeah.
It doesn't make any sense.
Certainly it makes sense.
I bought this house The way prices are goin' up, maybe I could turn it over today for 21,000, maybe 22.
Yeah, but, Archie, wherever you move in New York is gonna cost you that much.
So who says we gotta live in New York? Maybe we could live someplace cheaper, cost less.
Like where? Oh, use your imagination, will ya? There's plenty of places.
Out west, for example.
You got a little elbow room out there.
A man can move along the mountaintops without people pushin' and shovin'.
Where you don't seldom hear no discouraging word.
He means California.
That's right, California.
Hey, Edith, just for the fun of it, run upstairs and get that box.
Oh, yeah.
What box is that? Their travel folders.
Every winter when daddy gets cold, they sit and dream about moving out west, but they never get out the box.
Out of the box.
Well, listen, someday I might just surprise you, little girl.
"Chester byrd real estate.
" This looks like a legitimate reality company here-- Chester byrd.
You know, I think I'm just gonna call this guy up, see what's goin' on.
You're wasting your time.
Boy, talk about acting out your fantasies.
Aw, button up, youse two.
What's the harm in callin' the guy, huh? Just to see what he says.
There we are.
Here's the box, Archie.
All right, Edith.
I'm on the line here.
[ Clears throat .]
Hello.
Uh, Chester byrd? Oh, this is Mr.
byrd.
This is Archie bunker of 704 hauser street, my residence from which I'm calling you here.
And I just found a leaflet at my door, and the words "substantial profit" caught my eye.
I was wondering what that would come to in dollars and cents.
Not on the phone? Ah.
Oh, you could come over? Oh, sure.
Sure.
You can come on over.
Why not? Yeah, fine.
Okay.
Bye.
Ah.
Never make a move, huh? Well, Mr.
Chester byrd, whose office is just up here on the boulevard, will be around in three minutes.
Edith, what are you sticking in my spine? You wanted the box.
Can't you just leave it over there? Sure.
Archie, you'd really leave New York? I might.
After all, why not, huh? What's the big attraction here? The weather out there, which is always "louzay.
" Edith, read some of them pamphlets there.
"Come to the land of milk and honey.
" Yeah, California.
No, Archie.
That's Israel.
Oh, here it is.
"California-- the land of sunshine.
" Yeah, sunshine and clean air.
Archie's cousin Rudy lives out there.
Bertha's boy.
In el monte.
El monte.
Oh, don't that sound pretty? Just imagine-- he says in the morning You can reach your hand out the bedroom window And pick an orange off the tree.
You done that in New York, you get your hand mugged.
Come on, Archie.
California's just as bad as New York.
Oh, listen to our world traveler over here.
Never been west of the Chicago stockyards, but now he's a regular Marco Polish.
Funny, arch.
That's funny.
I suppose it wouldn't be nice to live in a neighborhood where you go for a walk Without fearing to take your life in your hands.
Oh, come on, arch.
What are you talkin' about? You can't run away.
There's no hiding place.
Oh, yes there is-- safe city.
Safe city? That's right.
Safe city, California.
Right here.
Where the minorities don't outnumber the majorities.
Look what they got here.
Tv monitors in all the lobbies.
They got-- they got special locks all over.
They got armed guards around the clock and a 12-foot wall around the whole place.
It's beautiful.
He's gonna move to San Quentin.
No.
Santa Monica.
Right on the ocean.
"Just off the centinela exit of the Santa Monica freeway.
" Oh, my, don't that sound romantic? The centinela exit of the Santa Monica freeway.
Sounds a whole lot better than flushing.
Or the gawanus canal.
Which if you threw a stick into it, it wouldn't splash, it bends.
Daddy, what would you do about a job? Yeah, that's right, arch.
I hear they're laying off lots of men in California.
- Things are pretty bad there.
- They ain't bad for everybody.
Come on, arch.
I've heard you say it a hundred times.
You'd never move out of this neighborhood.
You never even go anywhere when you have a vacation.
Oh, we did once.
Archie took me to Atlantic city.
Sure.
I'm willing to travel.
We had to come home, though, after only two days.
Because you said you couldn't use a strange bathroom.
Will you stifle yourself? We came home early because you went crazy in the ocean.
Your mother, instead of staying with me there in the water, holdin' onto the rope, she turns over on her back and goes floatin' out to sea.
Like mopey dick.
The great white dingbat.
I'm a good floater.
Stifle yourself! [ Doorbell buzzes .]
There he is.
There he is.
There's Chester byrd now.
Don't do anything, Edith.
Youse two sit there like you don't care about nothin', right? Edith, don't open the door yet.
Let me get into the kitchen 'Cause I don't want him to think I'm too anxious about anything, see? When I'm in here, you open the door.
Go ahead now.
Oh.
Mrs.
bunker? Chester byrd, Chester byrd real estate.
How do you do? Won't you come in? Thank you.
Let me take your coat.
My husband is in the kitchen.
Archie, Mr.
byrd is here.
[ Archie .]
Oh, is he? Say, would you like a nice soft drink, Mr.
byrd? Or would you prefer somethin' hard? Soft will be fine.
Pour yourself a hard one, arch.
Won't you sit down, Mr.
byrd? You know, I get a real homey feeling here.
A real welcome feeling.
Oh, I'm very glad you do.
Here we are.
A little light refreshments in order before we start to talk-- thank you, Mr.
bunker.
You're colored.
Gee, arch, we didn't think you'd notice.
You didn't sound colored on the phone.
I used a white telephone.
Well, shall we get down to business? Well, uh-- [ phone ringing .]
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
Hold everything here.
The telephone.
Hello.
Oh, it's you, mcnab.
What do you want? You saw who comin' in? Listen, mcnab, don't give me-- hey, mcnab, keep your shirt on, will ya? No, I ain't-- I-- I ain't gonna "ell-say" the "ouse-hay" to no "Ade-spay.
" Just calm down, will ya? I'll talk to you about it later.
Good-bye.
Well, uh, Mr.
byrd, all I got to say to you is Thanks for droppin' by.
Wait a minute, Mr.
bunker.
I came to talk about your house.
Well, uh, I just made up my mind that I-I ain't gonna sell it.
Oh? Has something happened to color your decision? Now, wait a minute.
Color ain't got nothin' to do with it.
See, I just don't want to sell you my house, and that's all there is to it, Mr.
blackbird-- byrd.
My decision is, uh-- my decision is final, and you ain't got enough money to change my mind So there's no sense in you wastin' your time.
Well, it's my time.
Yeah, well, after all, I can throw figures at you, but then you ain't got the money to pay.
Try me.
What do you have to lose? Well, if that's the only way you'll take a no, all right.
I'll throw figures at you.
I could say-- I could say, what, uh, $35,000.
"Old-say.
" Huh? Sold.
I don't believe it! $35,000 for this house? Uh, Mr.
byrd, what my son-in-law means is that for all we know This house could maybe be worth a lot more.
Would you sit down there, Michael, please? Don't get me wrong, Mr.
byrd.
$35,000 is pretty good as a startin' figure.
Oh, come on, Mr.
bunker.
Let's be up front with each other.
Your house is only worth $35,000 to me.
I'll tell you why.
You see, it's just that black people can't get into neighborhoods like this.
Now, there are a lot of houses just like yours on the block.
So if you don't want to sell, I'm sure one of your neighbors will.
After that, when a few more black families move in, [ Chuckles .]
Your house is gonna be worth less-- a lot less.
Blockbuster! What? Archie, this guy's a blockbuster! Oh, will you sit down! He buys one or two houses at a top price and gets the rest at rock bottom.
It's free enterprise, boy, and I'm a business man.
Yeah! It's a rotten business! Archie, don't you see? He buys homes from whites and then takes advantage of his own people By selling to them for two or three times what a house is worth.
You know, Mr.
bunker, your son-in-law reminds me of my kid brother.
Head in the clouds.
No idea what it takes to get along in the world.
Meathead, huh? Exactly.
Archie, don't you see what he's doing? Will you sit down! But, Archie-- well, what do you say, Mr.
bunker? Do we have a deal at 35? I've got the papers right here.
Yes.
Right there.
Good.
That'll be just fine.
Edith, get away from me.
Here's a pen.
Archie.
Owww! What are you doing to my arm? I gotta speak to you, Archie.
Mr.
byrd, I'd like to talk to my husband for a minute.
Is that all right? Go right ahead.
What is the matter with you? Archie, I don't think we should sell the house.
What? For $35,000? But I'm not sure I want to move to California.
$35,000.
$35,000! Archie, I don't-- we may never get a chance like this again, Edith.
And listen, it ain't just the money.
You'll love it out there.
Just imagine yourself all year long Runnin' around with just a blouse and a pair of pants.
But you don't like me in pants, Archie.
Out there I'll like you in pants.
But we're rushing into it, Archie.
Can't we sit down and talk it over? No! I wanna make this deal! No! Mr.
byrd, Edith! We would like to sit down and talk this over as a family.
Is that all right? Sure.
I understand.
I'll sit in my car until you're ready.
Oh, thank you.
Wait a minute there, Mr.
byrd.
Uh, listen.
Don't worry about this here.
You and me is gonna do business.
Good.
Good.
Oh, and by the way, when you come back, this door ain't such a good idea comin' in.
If you could-- sure.
Sure.
I understand.
I'll go around to the-- to the back door? Yeah.
Because, you know, these nosy neighbors, watchin' everything on the street, see? Sure.
I understand.
All right.
I'll see you, Mr.
bunker.
Yeah.
When you sit in your car, keep your head down, huh? Archie-- don't argue with me, nobody! I'm gonna make this deal, $35,000.
Call Rudy in California.
On the phone? No, Edith.
Open up the window and holler.
Get him on the phone.
Archie, how can you sell to a blockbuster? Daddy, think of what you're doing to those poor black families.
What is the matter with you two bleedin' heart liberals? See what I'm doin'? I'm givin' a family of deservin' coloreds a chance to move Into a decent neighborhood, away from their own kind.
And youse two here are fightin' me.
Yeah, that's right.
'Cause it's your pocketbook that's talkin'.
You couldn't care less about helpin' blacks.
- Archie, it's ringin'.
- The two of youse, just butt out of this thing.
And, Edith, no more arguments out of you.
Give me the phone.
All of youse, dummy up.
[ Clears throat .]
Hello.
Rudy? Hey, this is cousin Archie in New York.
Yeah.
How are you? Hey, how's the weather out there? Oh, 85 degrees? Oh, beautiful! Hey, Rudy, the reason I called is, I got a chance today to sell the house.
Yeah, sure.
Maybe I'll make Pretty good, huh? Hey, listen.
If I close the deal, sell the house and get the cash, and if I can come out there to California, could you-- huh? You what? You could? Oh, geez! Oh, boy, that's great! Hey, Rudy, you're a peach.
Wait till I tell Edith.
Hey, listen.
I'll call you back.
I'm gonna close the deal any minute.
You hang around by the phone, huh? Okay, Rudy.
Bye.
Now that clinches it.
Not only has Rudy got a job waitin' for me out there, but he's gonna let us all stay in his beautiful home till we find a place of our own.
But, Archie, I thought we were gonna talk it over.
What else is there to talk over, Edith? What kind of job are you gonna get? It ain't a job, it's a position.
Rudy owns a factory out there.
- Practically offered me a partnership just now.
- Daddy, why should he do that? Cousin Rudy's almost a stranger.
He's never even been to the house.
'Cause he's been out in California makin' a fortune.
He's a smart young guy.
Edith, tell 'em about Rudy.
Where the hell are ya? What are you doin' over here? We're talkin' about California there.
I'm just lookin' where we used to measure Gloria.
Here she is at eleven, and here she is at two.
Remember? Will you stop swingin' down memory Lane! These things don't mean nothin'.
We got a new future waitin' for us.
Get away from the closet here.
Where you goin' now? I'm gonna miss these stairs.
Remember how beautiful Gloria looked The day of her wedding, coming down those steps? And how do you feel goin' up and down them steps all day long, Edith? In California, you ain't gonna have to do that.
Everything's on one level.
They ain't got a flight of stairs in the state.
What about all our things? What about it, Edith? Look at it.
It's all crummy.
We're gonna sell the whole lot here.
All except my own chair here, which is kind of a one-of-a-kind chair.
- [ Sobbing .]
- Edith, don't start bawling now.
I can't help it, Archie.
I'm used to this house.
And now I'll have to go to someplace strange And get used to everything new.
And wear pants! [ Sobbing .]
Will you explain your mother to me? There she goes bawlin'.
[ Doorbell buzzing .]
Five minutes ago, she's reachin' out the window for oranges.
You'd never understand it.
Oh, hi, Lionel.
Hey.
How's it goin'? Hiya, Lionel.
Come on in.
I got some big news for you.
You're gonna have some new friends.
Some coloreds are movin' in.
No! Where? Right here in this house.
They're gonna move in with you? Oh, not that, Lionel.
I mean they're gonna move here after I leave.
I'm gonna sell 'em the house.
Oh.
You wouldn't happen to be selling to a Mr.
byrd, would you? You know the guy? Yeah, I know him.
He's what we call an oreo cookie.
An oreo cookie? Yeah.
You know, black on the outside, white on the inside.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'm glad you like him.
I thought he was a decent guy too.
Yeah, I figured you would.
[ Doorbell buzzing .]
Excuse me, Lionel.
There he is.
I'm off to California.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You goin' to California? Yeah.
Oh, you ain't gonna be happy there.
Why not? Well, California's right next door to watts.
Archie, Mr.
byrd is here.
Oh, here we are.
Welcome back, Mr.
byrd.
Are you ready to sign? I certainly am.
Good, good.
I have the papers right here.
Let's close this deal.
Archie, before you sign, can I say something? Aw, make it fast, will you, Edith? Archie, I'm your wife, and I've always done what you wanted Even when you were wrong, like now.
Whatever you do, I'll go along with you.
You're gonna love it, Edith.
But I'm not leavin' my five-quart casserole No matter what you say! Give me the contract and the pen.
Where do I sign? - Right here.
- Yoo-hoo! Anybody home? Is that Bertha over there? Hiya, Bertha! Come on in! Archie! Come on over there and sit down.
Hey, Edith, come and see who's here.
Hey, did you get the news from Rudy in California? I just got off the phone with him, and I ran all the way over here.
Cousin Bertha, how are you? Oh, Edith.
I know he never would've done it without your support.
Thank you.
Is Rudy happy I'm comin' out to California? Happy? He's delirious.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, I tell you, he just said last week, if he could only get ahold of $20,000, he could get his head above water.
I tell you, Archie, he's been sinkin', goin' down for the third time.
Well, you remember my boy Rudy-- nothin' worked for him here.
Well, the same thing out there.
Every time he opens a business, his first customer is the sheriff.
Bankruptcy.
And his own brother wouldn't even loan him a dime.
His Uncle George, worth a fortune, wouldn't even come to the phone.
Oh, Archie, you're givin' him another chance with your $20,000.
Oh, Archie, I can just see it-- the two of you together.
You'll be the father he's always needed.
I've gotta go, Archie.
Honest, Rudy is so excited, he can't wait till you get out there.
He's getting the garage all fixed up for you to live in.
Well, Mr.
bunker, shall we get on with it? Well, Mr.
byrd, I think before we get any deeper in this, I'd better consider my wife's feelings a little more.
But I just heard her say she was willing to go along with you.
Yeah, but then we got My son-in-law here.
He don't adjust too easy.
He can't be moved.
Mr.
bunker, you're wasting my time.
Is it yes or no? No.
Well, I'll just have to talk with some of your neighbors.
I don't think that's gonna do you any good, Mr.
byrd.
They ain't gonna sell to you.
I think you'll find that all of my neighbors is just about like me.
They're all just like you, huh? [ Chuckles .]
That's what I'm countin' on.
Bye.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Archie, where are you goin'? Oh, the meathead was right.
That guy is a "blackbuster.
" I want you to call all the neighbors.
Tell them I'm comin' over.
I'm startin' with Jimmy mcnab.
That money-hungry Mick.
He'd sell his own mother for $35,000.
So would most of the people on this here block.
There's not a one of them with enough strength of character To stand up to that guy like I done.
I've never been this hot in my life.
Oh, boy, Archie, what's with that furnace? Aw, nuts to you.
Can't you see me workin' on the thermostat here? Well, hurry it up.
I'm sweatin' my brains out here.
You done that when you was in diapers.
Aw, geez! Well, there it goes! It's your fault for complainin' about the heat around here.
Now I'm gonna have to get a service man in tomorrow.
It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg.
Here we are.
This'll cool us off.
Ice-cold lemonade.
There.
Ain't this nice? Just like California.
Will you please stifle yourself? [ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.