Alone Together (2018) s02e08 Episode Script
Dog Awards
I had trace amounts of pee on my pants for my entire set.
I was frazzled.
Industry nights just get in your head, you know? But you know what? If we stand here looking sad, none of these TV people are gonna come talk to us.
Trust me.
I learned that from many middle school dances.
I don't know how to not look sad when I stand.
Why don't we go talk to that sad guy? - I like that he's sad, - [ESTHER.]
Yeah.
'cause I feel like we might have an angle there.
I mean, I did crowd work with him and I told him he looked like a baby falcon.
Which doesn't make any sense.
- I was just nervous and saying stuff.
- No, no, no.
You know what? That's the perfect icebreaker.
Let's go.
Hi, I'm Esther, and this is Benji.
[BENJI.]
I don't really think you look like a baby falcon.
I was kinda nervous and I lashed out.
It's all right, man.
I get it.
I saw both your sets.
You guys were pretty funny, actually.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
I'm Tom Piner.
I'm the executive producer of the American Dog Awards.
Shut up! I love the American Dog Awards.
It is a funny award show.
I caught it the year Triumph roasted the dog from Modern Family.
The look on her face.
She did not see it coming.
Listen, I actually have a couple openings on my writing staff.
You interested? - What? Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Are you guys all right? - [BOTH.]
Yeah.
Have you guys had jobs before? - Eem.
- S Too many.
- How do you mean? - Like a bunch.
- OK.
- [ESTHER.]
I mean, I've never spent more than three hours at one place for more than a day in a row, but [BENJI.]
I get tons of job offers.
For me it's really just the art of saying no, at this point.
But this is something I wanna do.
The pay's not great.
Just so you know.
Do I have to join a union? My grandfather's a Republican, and I promised I never would join one.
Oh, no.
It's very non-union.
Don't worry about that.
Let me give you one of my cards.
Somebody just text me, and we'll figure it out.
- [BENJI.]
Cool.
- Nice meeting you guys.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
Did that just happen? Aah! Are you crying? I'm crying.
I I don't even know.
I'm combusting internally.
I I don't even know if I can cry.
I don't know what I'm feeling.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Let me see.
- Oh, my God.
- We made it.
I don't know what else to say, but we made it.
Oh, crap! Benji, I just remembered there's a grape Nerd stuck under my "L" key, so I can't type anything with an "L".
You know what? I'm gonna need you to e-mail me some "L" s so I can copy, paste them.
Just do capital, lowercase, bold, italic, and I'll be covered.
Or just a joke binder like me.
A binder? No.
I'm living in the digital age.
I'll be using my laptop computer.
Just take a look at what I'm doing here.
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone"? "Hair-y Paw-ter and the Sorcerer's Bone.
" That's six words, three plays on words.
Even if you're not laughing, you're thinking.
I'm not laughing.
But I'm thinking.
So, yeah.
Oh, really? What are you doing that's so great? [SIGHS.]
Benji, I'm a girl who loves dogs.
They're my first friends, my first love, even my first kiss.
No one in this world loves dogs more than me.
And that's why this year, I'm bringing the heart to the Dog Awards.
For real though, how stoked are you? - So stoked.
- There's definitely gonna be an espresso machine in that office.
Do you think we'll also have a view of the Hollywood sign from our office? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God! [TOM.]
Sorry you guys gotta share an office, but, um, and make sure that vent stays open at all times, and also, that carbon monoxide detector has to be plugged in.
Wow, so do we have free use of all these mops? I guess.
For what? This is amazing, but whose leg do I have to hump to get a coffee around here? You're not on the clock yet, but that's the spirit.
Good to have you guys on board.
I gotta take this.
This is my wife.
Ex-wife.
I don't know.
We're getting divorced.
It sucks.
Love isn't real.
Don't ever get married.
Um, help yourselves to any breakfast that's on set.
I gotta go.
Wow.
I can't believe this is free.
This is a better breakfast spread than that pharmaceutical office on Wilshire we used to break into.
I know.
This is crazy.
There's donut variety, cinnamon rolls.
Apple Jacks.
- Dude, no onion bagels.
- [SCOFFS.]
The less people watch TV, the worse the spread gets.
You know, on "The Critic," the writers had an omelet bar.
- [BECKY.]
Of course.
- Yeah.
It's gonna be - the longest week of my life.
- Hey, I'm Benji.
I'm a new writer on the show.
Did I just hear you say you wrote on "The Critic"? Yeah, like 25 years ago.
Dude, that's my favorite show ever! What, are you one of these young guys they hire for his Tweets? No, but I got Tweets.
Are you trying to jam on some stuff? No? OK.
- I'll see you in the room, dude! - Wow, wearing dog paraphernalia.
It's a little on the nose.
You think? That's exactly where I was aiming.
- Thank you.
- Oh, wow.
You're not even doing a bit.
I can't believe I've been doing this for eight years in a row.
Eight years? That's double college.
[WHISPERS.]
What's your secret? Opiates and Metamucil.
Are those your dogs' names? [TOM.]
Um, OK, let's dive into pitches.
Remember, this is the Dog Awards, so puns are welcome.
OK, so, um, we have a dog on a surfboard.
- Uh, wearing sunglasses.
- [BECKY.]
Right.
And then he barks the lyrics to a Beach Boys song.
BIG LETTERS: "Dogs Just Wanna Have Sun.
" - [LAUGHING.]
- [TOM.]
OK, all right.
- [TOM.]
Is that even a Beach Boys song? - Uh, who else? Uh, yeah, maybe, uh, there's a sketch where there's a hot dog vendor, and then he's like, "Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!" And then all these wiener dogs come out in bikinis.
And if we want, maybe it could be funny 'cause dogs have a lot of nipples.
Maybe the bikinis could look funny.
I don't know.
- Damn, that's solid, man.
- Hot dogs! - Yeah, sexy hot dogs.
- I get it.
Yeah, yeah.
- That could be funny.
- Good one.
- I like it.
- [PHONE DINGING.]
Oh, shoot.
Sorry.
Uh, I have a segment pitch for Hero Dog of the Year Award.
I was thinking we could show heartwarming videos introducing all of the nominees.
You know how like when you're watching the Olympics, and you learn that an ice skater's mom just died in an avalanche, and then you really want her to win? Sorta like that.
I don't where's the I don't where's the punchline? Well, there wouldn't be a punchline there, but if we add those kind of heartwarming moments, then the other jokes will land harder.
So, think about that.
I mean, that's very nice, Esther, but I'm not sure it fits in the tone of the Dog Awards.
Think of, like, I don't know, jokes that would be on a bumper sticker.
Or on a t-shirt at a seaside gift shop.
And you're shopping and you're like, "Oh, my God! That's hilarious!" It's short and sweet, and maybe you're high, so it's super funny.
Like that kind of stuff.
- Like "pug life.
" - That's my guy right there! Pug life.
See what we're doing now? Oh, oh.
OK.
I got a pitch.
Two dogs are fighting over a stick.
One dog's supposed to get the stick every other weekend, but Friday comes, and the other dog won't give him the stick.
One day you're in your beautiful house with the dog you love, three beautiful little sticks.
Next day trying to figure out how Tinder works on your phone that can't even get the update to work properly.
[SHARPLY EXHALES.]
You know what? Let's take a break.
We're gonna take a quick break.
We'll come back.
It's fine.
Maybe someone should follow him.
He He seems really upset.
You'll learn quickly that the more stuff Tom is going through, the more breaks we get.
- Need a drink? - Oh, yeah, let's get a drink.
- You guys want? - It's 10:00 am.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I know how hard divorce can be.
When I was in fourth grade, me and my best friend, Christina, broke up for a year, and we had to split our whole lip smackers caboodle, and it it got ugly.
Thank you, Esther.
I just want someone to talk to.
Like, I tried opening up to my lawyer, and then I found out he was charging me $800 an hour.
That's awful.
And I just want you to know, now that I'm working here, I'm always around, and if you ever wanna talk, my price is free.
Wait, Esther.
Actually, maybe we should do that segment that you were pitching earlier.
I'm starting to feel like we're doing all these dog jokes, and what we should be doing is, like, actually processing our emotions.
- You mean it? - Yeah.
Why don't you write it up, and you should produce it.
You want me to be a producer? It's important you understand your title won't change.
You'd still be a writer.
You're just producing one segment.
I can't wait till the ladies at Chipotle hear about this, because extra guac will not be a problem.
Thank you so much, sir.
At ease.
Oh, dismissed.
Benji! Benji, Benji, Benji.
He's letting me produce my dog hero segment and I don't even know what producing means.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey! Quick question.
On the hot dog sketch, do you imagine the dogs wearing four high heels, or just two? Oh, you know what? I've got this in my binder.
It's all storyboarded.
Let me just grab it.
- Oh, yeah, grab it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's all storyboarded.
We're just producing.
All right.
Oy! My binder.
Where is it? I left it right here.
Did you hide it? Benji, I don't touch outdated media.
We've talked about this.
My jokes are gone.
Esther, close the vent and let me die.
Does this mean that I'm getting my own office? [TOM.]
Any movie pitches? We need - Jurassic Bark.
- Classic one.
Great, and, uh, Game of Barks.
It's a lot of barks, that's fine.
Uh, Benji, you have anything for that? Um I mean, both of those are really good ideas.
I just yeah, those were great.
Great, thanks.
Helpful.
OK, then we have the sponsored sketch for Starbucks.
We might be calling it "Barkbucks".
Does anyone have any pitches for that? Benji? Um, I had this thing in my binder where it was like bones.
Like bones coffee.
Not bones coffee, but Bro, just riff.
What about, uh, a riff of, uh, oh! You guys remember "Yo quiero"? Yeah, that was a Chihuahua from a Taco Bell ad.
What does that have to do with coffee? I don't know.
That was a funny commercial.
- You gotta admit that.
- That's not even an idea.
That's just a reference to something that existed.
What about "Yo quiero Frappuccino"? - [TOM'S PHONE DINGS.]
- You feeling all right, dude? All right, my ex just texted me she wants to throw away all of my old yearbooks.
So, let's just take five.
Mm.
Yap-accino! Geez! I just I was trying to think of it, and then I did.
Take a break.
I took the liberty of researching each of the nominees.
And first we have Chi Chi.
She has all four of her legs amputated, but that does not stop her because she's got four prosthetic paws, and she's happier than ever.
I always thought Tom hated me, but this confirms it.
OK.
Well, next up we have Daisy.
The hero police dog.
Butter epileptic Pomeranian.
And then there's Fuzz Wilmer Valderrama's dog.
And he's got nothing going for him.
Wilmer or his dog? There's no adversity to his story.
Every photo of him, he's with a model or he's on the red carpet.
You know what? You are so passionate about this project.
Why don't you just take it and run with it? - OK.
- Just go! And then you'll look at it later and tell me it's good? And if you don't hear anything, you can assume I loved it.
That is cool.
I love being a producer.
You need to stop saying "producer.
" That's not your title.
I understand.
[ESTHER.]
OK, I'm sorry, but there is no way for me to make Fuzz Valderrama inspiring.
He doesn't know struggle.
He doesn't know what it's like to scrounge for food or pay bills, or have a studio apartment.
I knew this would happen.
You're trying to win a Dog Award.
I'm not, but I do think I deserve one more than Fuzz.
I don't have time to argue with you about Fuzz.
I'm trying to write three weeks worth of jokes in a night.
You got this, OK? What about "Hairy Pawter and the Sorcerer's Bone"? That was a special idea.
You're right! That was a good idea! I totally forgot about that one! - Yeah.
- That bit's a slam dunk, man! I'm gonna be, like, Steph Curry there tomorrow, just sinkin' threes.
It's gonna crush! - Is that sports stuff? - It was.
It felt weird.
Let's hear some pitches.
We still need something - for the opening number, so - Yeah.
- Yeah I was thinking we - All right, I got one.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Sorry about that.
You go first.
Uh No, no.
You go ahead.
It's fine.
Anyone.
Just pitch something.
Here's a little idea I had.
How about "Hairy Pawter" and the Sorcerer's Bone"? - [TOM.]
Yes! Yes.
- [BECKY LAUGHS.]
Dumb, but in a good way.
- I think this is Dog Award Stuff.
- [BECKY.]
Right.
[JIM.]
Like "good dog," right? Who can we get to play Harry Potter? I'm thinking of that dog from the Super Bowl commercial.
- You know who I'm talking about.
- Cosmo! - Yeah.
- I heard, on the set of "Snow Dogs 2," that he was constantly aroused from all the fake fur from the boots and the parkas and stuff like that.
Totally cool, now, no, no.
He went to obedience school, so he's all good now.
He's ready to work.
- Let's just start calling out ideas.
- [JIM.]
Done! Um, I think this is good.
- All right.
- Let me guess.
So, in this idea that you came up with, Hermione is a Cocker Spaniel, Voldemort a hairless cat? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All that.
- You guys are in sync, you two.
Yeah, I guess so, right? [TOM.]
Has anyone read the books or seen the movies? I have not.
[FEMALE ANNOUNCER.]
Chi Chi might've lost - all four of her legs, - [DOG WHIMPERING.]
but she hasn't lost her ability to make people smile.
- [TOY SQUEAKS.]
- [TOM.]
That was fantastic.
I mean, Esther, people are gonna fall in love with Chi Chi when they see this.
I just feel terrible now that she's not gonna win.
Oh, well, you guys saw my video.
I think it's safe to say Chi Chi's gonna win.
She's got no legs.
No, Esther, Wilmer Valderrama's dog is gonna win, Fuzz.
This is the only way we could get Wilmer to walk the red carpet, and Wilmer Valderrama brings the ratings.
Ratings?! What would our advertisers think if they knew you were just chasing ratings? Every award show I've written for has been rigged.
It's just the way it is.
I knew about the Oscars.
But the American Dog Awards? Why? I can't believe Jim stole my binder.
I know what it's like to be let down by your heroes.
One time, I sat next to Bette Midler on a plane, and she was wearing flip flops.
- She flies coach? - Yeah.
This way, gentlemen.
Coming through! Coming through! [ESTHER.]
Who is that strong, empowered woman? I am getting major Ruth Bader Ginsburg vibes.
Oh, that's Gertel, our calligrapher.
She does the winning cards for all the awards shows.
They say she can make cursive with her feet.
Ugh.
She must have a strong anti-kidnapping clause.
She had two bodyguards.
No, she's carrying a list of winners with her.
They have to be really careful, especially after the Oscars screw-up.
- Mm.
- Oscars screw-up? Oh, my God, Benji.
That's it.
I am gonna switch the cards and "La La Land" the Dog Awards.
Or would you call that "Moonlight" -ing it? I don't know.
I'm gonna "La La Land" the Dog Awards and make Chi Chi win.
Esther, you can't.
What about the sanctity of the awar I'm kidding.
Screw this place.
He gets it.
Hey, Gertel.
I'm Esther, one of the producers here.
Nice to meet you.
So, we're, uh, shuffling some stuff around, last min.
TV, you know how it is, no big deal.
What we're gonna wanna do is lose the "Fuzz" winner card and swap it out for a "Chi Chi" winner card.
You think Gertel was born yesterday? I've been doing this for 60 years.
Desi Arnaz tried to pull this same crap with me in 1964.
I'm sorry that Desi played you like that.
I don't know what you're trying to pull, but it's not going to fly.
Ricardo, Tony.
Get her outta here.
I'll see myself out.
Unless you guys wanted to pick me up horizontally like Madonna in the "Material Girl" video? And you reinforce this, it'd be a good idea.
So then Cosmo sits here, and then that's just the broom, and it flies.
- [TECHNICIAN.]
Mm-hmm.
- [JIM.]
Oh, great.
Great.
Oh, hey, excuse me.
Those fuzzy slippers, we cannot have those around when Cosmo shows up.
He will become aroused.
Um, I wanted to talk to you guys about something.
I feel like the dogs in my hot dog sketch aren't reading as hot.
Uh, we cut that sketch, man.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, you cut it? - It's not a funny thing, it's a time issue.
It is also a funny thing, if I'm being honest, but look, man, we're gonna extend the Hairy Pawter bit.
We need time to hold for laughs.
That sketch has legs.
- Four legs, you might say.
- Ah, four legs! [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
Four legs.
That's good.
- [JIM SIGHS.]
All right.
[FEMALE ANNOUNCER.]
And we're back in beautiful Van Nuys, California.
It's the 21st annual American Dog Awards! Hey, buddy.
Remember this? - [MAN.]
Ready camera one.
- Yeah.
Of course I remember it.
It's my binder that you stole.
And don't try to feed me some lie about how you found it in the bathroom or something, 'cause I never use the bathrooms here.
They're disgusting.
All right, dude.
Settle down.
Oh, I'm pretty settled right now, but any minute, - Cosmo's gonna be really excited.
- What are you talkin' about? I put a fuzzy slipper in Cosmo's Hairy Pawter box, so he's probably gonna boner pretty hard on TV.
- No, you didn't.
- You stole my binder.
I was jokeless.
Bro, I stole your binder, 'cause that's how it works.
Older writers steal from younger writers.
I saw something in you.
I was gonna take you with me to the Guy's Choice Awards.
I did I didn't realize all that! - How? - [ANNOUNCER.]
Now let's take a magical trip to Dogwarts! Oh, we got a lot of production value goin' on here.
What do we got, we got the three capes and a hat.
And the one and only Hairy Pawter! Oh, dang! That is a big ol' dog lipstick! [JIM.]
I hope you're happy.
You're gonna get me fired.
Of course I'm not happy! Guys, guys, listen.
That was the network.
- Tom, I am so sorry - [TOM.]
No, no, no.
Listen.
They're loving this.
They say it's exactly the youthful rebrand that the Dog Awards needs.
I don't know.
They think it's edgy.
Jim, you're a legend.
- [BECKY.]
Jimbo! Whoo-hoo! - All right.
All right.
OK.
Well, there you go! We're a comedy duo now.
No, we're not.
Good writers borrow, great writers steal.
Only hacks try to ruin other writers' sketches.
- Hack.
- Well Maybe we could still collab? Punch up each others' tweets? - [FANFARE.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
Hello.
I'm Jonas Templeton, President of the American Canine Society So I think I might be blacklisted from writing on awards shows, but at least my sketch crushed.
Who wants to write for these, anyway? It's a corrupt cesspool of lies.
I heard Becky say she has a cat.
Traitor.
Here are the nominees for hero dog of the year.
[FEMALE ANNOUNCER.]
Daisy, the police dog.
Butter, the epileptic Pomeranian.
Chi Chi, the quadruple amputee Golden Retriever.
And Fuzz Valderrama, who seems pretty cool on Instagram.
And the Golden Bone goes to - Stop! Stop! - [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
I can't let this happen.
I need the viewers at home to know that this is rigged! That's right.
And the real winner tonight should be Chi Chi.
She has four prosthetic paws and one giant heart.
Yeah, the card says, "Chi Chi.
" - [APPLAUSE.]
- Oh, my God! I mean Oh.
OK.
Sorry.
Uh, as you were, Mr.
Templeton.
And, just so everyone at home knows, if you're a dog owner, chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
Also, hi, Mom.
I know you said you wouldn't be watching, but in case you are.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ESTHER.]
Well, safe to say that the drama I created was good for ratings.
Pretty sure if the ratings are good, it's gonna be because of my dog boner.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe they only gave us one drink ticket.
I know you switched the cards.
You act so cool, like you don't care, but I know you care, and that you switched them! Thank you! I don't know what you're talking about.
That does not sound like something I would do.
Hey, did you guys hear about this? Somebody drugged Gertel.
Now that sounds like something I would do.
'Scuse me! Well, guys, you did a job.
The last guy quit halfway through, so you did better than him.
That sounds We did a good job! Yeah.
You did a job.
I'll take it.
Thanks, dude.
Yeah.
You're welcome.
OK, bring it in.
What'd you steal? I got these sunglasses.
They were on a pug, and they're really nice.
And they fit! Lifetime supply of Post-Its.
It's too bad you're not as smart as me, 'cause I got eight staplers in my messenger bag right now.
There's a fax machine and a label maker in your car.
Don't open the trunk until we get home.
Write that down.
Don't want you to forget.
I was frazzled.
Industry nights just get in your head, you know? But you know what? If we stand here looking sad, none of these TV people are gonna come talk to us.
Trust me.
I learned that from many middle school dances.
I don't know how to not look sad when I stand.
Why don't we go talk to that sad guy? - I like that he's sad, - [ESTHER.]
Yeah.
'cause I feel like we might have an angle there.
I mean, I did crowd work with him and I told him he looked like a baby falcon.
Which doesn't make any sense.
- I was just nervous and saying stuff.
- No, no, no.
You know what? That's the perfect icebreaker.
Let's go.
Hi, I'm Esther, and this is Benji.
[BENJI.]
I don't really think you look like a baby falcon.
I was kinda nervous and I lashed out.
It's all right, man.
I get it.
I saw both your sets.
You guys were pretty funny, actually.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
I'm Tom Piner.
I'm the executive producer of the American Dog Awards.
Shut up! I love the American Dog Awards.
It is a funny award show.
I caught it the year Triumph roasted the dog from Modern Family.
The look on her face.
She did not see it coming.
Listen, I actually have a couple openings on my writing staff.
You interested? - What? Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Are you guys all right? - [BOTH.]
Yeah.
Have you guys had jobs before? - Eem.
- S Too many.
- How do you mean? - Like a bunch.
- OK.
- [ESTHER.]
I mean, I've never spent more than three hours at one place for more than a day in a row, but [BENJI.]
I get tons of job offers.
For me it's really just the art of saying no, at this point.
But this is something I wanna do.
The pay's not great.
Just so you know.
Do I have to join a union? My grandfather's a Republican, and I promised I never would join one.
Oh, no.
It's very non-union.
Don't worry about that.
Let me give you one of my cards.
Somebody just text me, and we'll figure it out.
- [BENJI.]
Cool.
- Nice meeting you guys.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
Did that just happen? Aah! Are you crying? I'm crying.
I I don't even know.
I'm combusting internally.
I I don't even know if I can cry.
I don't know what I'm feeling.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Let me see.
- Oh, my God.
- We made it.
I don't know what else to say, but we made it.
Oh, crap! Benji, I just remembered there's a grape Nerd stuck under my "L" key, so I can't type anything with an "L".
You know what? I'm gonna need you to e-mail me some "L" s so I can copy, paste them.
Just do capital, lowercase, bold, italic, and I'll be covered.
Or just a joke binder like me.
A binder? No.
I'm living in the digital age.
I'll be using my laptop computer.
Just take a look at what I'm doing here.
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone"? "Hair-y Paw-ter and the Sorcerer's Bone.
" That's six words, three plays on words.
Even if you're not laughing, you're thinking.
I'm not laughing.
But I'm thinking.
So, yeah.
Oh, really? What are you doing that's so great? [SIGHS.]
Benji, I'm a girl who loves dogs.
They're my first friends, my first love, even my first kiss.
No one in this world loves dogs more than me.
And that's why this year, I'm bringing the heart to the Dog Awards.
For real though, how stoked are you? - So stoked.
- There's definitely gonna be an espresso machine in that office.
Do you think we'll also have a view of the Hollywood sign from our office? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God! [TOM.]
Sorry you guys gotta share an office, but, um, and make sure that vent stays open at all times, and also, that carbon monoxide detector has to be plugged in.
Wow, so do we have free use of all these mops? I guess.
For what? This is amazing, but whose leg do I have to hump to get a coffee around here? You're not on the clock yet, but that's the spirit.
Good to have you guys on board.
I gotta take this.
This is my wife.
Ex-wife.
I don't know.
We're getting divorced.
It sucks.
Love isn't real.
Don't ever get married.
Um, help yourselves to any breakfast that's on set.
I gotta go.
Wow.
I can't believe this is free.
This is a better breakfast spread than that pharmaceutical office on Wilshire we used to break into.
I know.
This is crazy.
There's donut variety, cinnamon rolls.
Apple Jacks.
- Dude, no onion bagels.
- [SCOFFS.]
The less people watch TV, the worse the spread gets.
You know, on "The Critic," the writers had an omelet bar.
- [BECKY.]
Of course.
- Yeah.
It's gonna be - the longest week of my life.
- Hey, I'm Benji.
I'm a new writer on the show.
Did I just hear you say you wrote on "The Critic"? Yeah, like 25 years ago.
Dude, that's my favorite show ever! What, are you one of these young guys they hire for his Tweets? No, but I got Tweets.
Are you trying to jam on some stuff? No? OK.
- I'll see you in the room, dude! - Wow, wearing dog paraphernalia.
It's a little on the nose.
You think? That's exactly where I was aiming.
- Thank you.
- Oh, wow.
You're not even doing a bit.
I can't believe I've been doing this for eight years in a row.
Eight years? That's double college.
[WHISPERS.]
What's your secret? Opiates and Metamucil.
Are those your dogs' names? [TOM.]
Um, OK, let's dive into pitches.
Remember, this is the Dog Awards, so puns are welcome.
OK, so, um, we have a dog on a surfboard.
- Uh, wearing sunglasses.
- [BECKY.]
Right.
And then he barks the lyrics to a Beach Boys song.
BIG LETTERS: "Dogs Just Wanna Have Sun.
" - [LAUGHING.]
- [TOM.]
OK, all right.
- [TOM.]
Is that even a Beach Boys song? - Uh, who else? Uh, yeah, maybe, uh, there's a sketch where there's a hot dog vendor, and then he's like, "Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!" And then all these wiener dogs come out in bikinis.
And if we want, maybe it could be funny 'cause dogs have a lot of nipples.
Maybe the bikinis could look funny.
I don't know.
- Damn, that's solid, man.
- Hot dogs! - Yeah, sexy hot dogs.
- I get it.
Yeah, yeah.
- That could be funny.
- Good one.
- I like it.
- [PHONE DINGING.]
Oh, shoot.
Sorry.
Uh, I have a segment pitch for Hero Dog of the Year Award.
I was thinking we could show heartwarming videos introducing all of the nominees.
You know how like when you're watching the Olympics, and you learn that an ice skater's mom just died in an avalanche, and then you really want her to win? Sorta like that.
I don't where's the I don't where's the punchline? Well, there wouldn't be a punchline there, but if we add those kind of heartwarming moments, then the other jokes will land harder.
So, think about that.
I mean, that's very nice, Esther, but I'm not sure it fits in the tone of the Dog Awards.
Think of, like, I don't know, jokes that would be on a bumper sticker.
Or on a t-shirt at a seaside gift shop.
And you're shopping and you're like, "Oh, my God! That's hilarious!" It's short and sweet, and maybe you're high, so it's super funny.
Like that kind of stuff.
- Like "pug life.
" - That's my guy right there! Pug life.
See what we're doing now? Oh, oh.
OK.
I got a pitch.
Two dogs are fighting over a stick.
One dog's supposed to get the stick every other weekend, but Friday comes, and the other dog won't give him the stick.
One day you're in your beautiful house with the dog you love, three beautiful little sticks.
Next day trying to figure out how Tinder works on your phone that can't even get the update to work properly.
[SHARPLY EXHALES.]
You know what? Let's take a break.
We're gonna take a quick break.
We'll come back.
It's fine.
Maybe someone should follow him.
He He seems really upset.
You'll learn quickly that the more stuff Tom is going through, the more breaks we get.
- Need a drink? - Oh, yeah, let's get a drink.
- You guys want? - It's 10:00 am.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I know how hard divorce can be.
When I was in fourth grade, me and my best friend, Christina, broke up for a year, and we had to split our whole lip smackers caboodle, and it it got ugly.
Thank you, Esther.
I just want someone to talk to.
Like, I tried opening up to my lawyer, and then I found out he was charging me $800 an hour.
That's awful.
And I just want you to know, now that I'm working here, I'm always around, and if you ever wanna talk, my price is free.
Wait, Esther.
Actually, maybe we should do that segment that you were pitching earlier.
I'm starting to feel like we're doing all these dog jokes, and what we should be doing is, like, actually processing our emotions.
- You mean it? - Yeah.
Why don't you write it up, and you should produce it.
You want me to be a producer? It's important you understand your title won't change.
You'd still be a writer.
You're just producing one segment.
I can't wait till the ladies at Chipotle hear about this, because extra guac will not be a problem.
Thank you so much, sir.
At ease.
Oh, dismissed.
Benji! Benji, Benji, Benji.
He's letting me produce my dog hero segment and I don't even know what producing means.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey! Quick question.
On the hot dog sketch, do you imagine the dogs wearing four high heels, or just two? Oh, you know what? I've got this in my binder.
It's all storyboarded.
Let me just grab it.
- Oh, yeah, grab it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's all storyboarded.
We're just producing.
All right.
Oy! My binder.
Where is it? I left it right here.
Did you hide it? Benji, I don't touch outdated media.
We've talked about this.
My jokes are gone.
Esther, close the vent and let me die.
Does this mean that I'm getting my own office? [TOM.]
Any movie pitches? We need - Jurassic Bark.
- Classic one.
Great, and, uh, Game of Barks.
It's a lot of barks, that's fine.
Uh, Benji, you have anything for that? Um I mean, both of those are really good ideas.
I just yeah, those were great.
Great, thanks.
Helpful.
OK, then we have the sponsored sketch for Starbucks.
We might be calling it "Barkbucks".
Does anyone have any pitches for that? Benji? Um, I had this thing in my binder where it was like bones.
Like bones coffee.
Not bones coffee, but Bro, just riff.
What about, uh, a riff of, uh, oh! You guys remember "Yo quiero"? Yeah, that was a Chihuahua from a Taco Bell ad.
What does that have to do with coffee? I don't know.
That was a funny commercial.
- You gotta admit that.
- That's not even an idea.
That's just a reference to something that existed.
What about "Yo quiero Frappuccino"? - [TOM'S PHONE DINGS.]
- You feeling all right, dude? All right, my ex just texted me she wants to throw away all of my old yearbooks.
So, let's just take five.
Mm.
Yap-accino! Geez! I just I was trying to think of it, and then I did.
Take a break.
I took the liberty of researching each of the nominees.
And first we have Chi Chi.
She has all four of her legs amputated, but that does not stop her because she's got four prosthetic paws, and she's happier than ever.
I always thought Tom hated me, but this confirms it.
OK.
Well, next up we have Daisy.
The hero police dog.
Butter epileptic Pomeranian.
And then there's Fuzz Wilmer Valderrama's dog.
And he's got nothing going for him.
Wilmer or his dog? There's no adversity to his story.
Every photo of him, he's with a model or he's on the red carpet.
You know what? You are so passionate about this project.
Why don't you just take it and run with it? - OK.
- Just go! And then you'll look at it later and tell me it's good? And if you don't hear anything, you can assume I loved it.
That is cool.
I love being a producer.
You need to stop saying "producer.
" That's not your title.
I understand.
[ESTHER.]
OK, I'm sorry, but there is no way for me to make Fuzz Valderrama inspiring.
He doesn't know struggle.
He doesn't know what it's like to scrounge for food or pay bills, or have a studio apartment.
I knew this would happen.
You're trying to win a Dog Award.
I'm not, but I do think I deserve one more than Fuzz.
I don't have time to argue with you about Fuzz.
I'm trying to write three weeks worth of jokes in a night.
You got this, OK? What about "Hairy Pawter and the Sorcerer's Bone"? That was a special idea.
You're right! That was a good idea! I totally forgot about that one! - Yeah.
- That bit's a slam dunk, man! I'm gonna be, like, Steph Curry there tomorrow, just sinkin' threes.
It's gonna crush! - Is that sports stuff? - It was.
It felt weird.
Let's hear some pitches.
We still need something - for the opening number, so - Yeah.
- Yeah I was thinking we - All right, I got one.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Sorry about that.
You go first.
Uh No, no.
You go ahead.
It's fine.
Anyone.
Just pitch something.
Here's a little idea I had.
How about "Hairy Pawter" and the Sorcerer's Bone"? - [TOM.]
Yes! Yes.
- [BECKY LAUGHS.]
Dumb, but in a good way.
- I think this is Dog Award Stuff.
- [BECKY.]
Right.
[JIM.]
Like "good dog," right? Who can we get to play Harry Potter? I'm thinking of that dog from the Super Bowl commercial.
- You know who I'm talking about.
- Cosmo! - Yeah.
- I heard, on the set of "Snow Dogs 2," that he was constantly aroused from all the fake fur from the boots and the parkas and stuff like that.
Totally cool, now, no, no.
He went to obedience school, so he's all good now.
He's ready to work.
- Let's just start calling out ideas.
- [JIM.]
Done! Um, I think this is good.
- All right.
- Let me guess.
So, in this idea that you came up with, Hermione is a Cocker Spaniel, Voldemort a hairless cat? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All that.
- You guys are in sync, you two.
Yeah, I guess so, right? [TOM.]
Has anyone read the books or seen the movies? I have not.
[FEMALE ANNOUNCER.]
Chi Chi might've lost - all four of her legs, - [DOG WHIMPERING.]
but she hasn't lost her ability to make people smile.
- [TOY SQUEAKS.]
- [TOM.]
That was fantastic.
I mean, Esther, people are gonna fall in love with Chi Chi when they see this.
I just feel terrible now that she's not gonna win.
Oh, well, you guys saw my video.
I think it's safe to say Chi Chi's gonna win.
She's got no legs.
No, Esther, Wilmer Valderrama's dog is gonna win, Fuzz.
This is the only way we could get Wilmer to walk the red carpet, and Wilmer Valderrama brings the ratings.
Ratings?! What would our advertisers think if they knew you were just chasing ratings? Every award show I've written for has been rigged.
It's just the way it is.
I knew about the Oscars.
But the American Dog Awards? Why? I can't believe Jim stole my binder.
I know what it's like to be let down by your heroes.
One time, I sat next to Bette Midler on a plane, and she was wearing flip flops.
- She flies coach? - Yeah.
This way, gentlemen.
Coming through! Coming through! [ESTHER.]
Who is that strong, empowered woman? I am getting major Ruth Bader Ginsburg vibes.
Oh, that's Gertel, our calligrapher.
She does the winning cards for all the awards shows.
They say she can make cursive with her feet.
Ugh.
She must have a strong anti-kidnapping clause.
She had two bodyguards.
No, she's carrying a list of winners with her.
They have to be really careful, especially after the Oscars screw-up.
- Mm.
- Oscars screw-up? Oh, my God, Benji.
That's it.
I am gonna switch the cards and "La La Land" the Dog Awards.
Or would you call that "Moonlight" -ing it? I don't know.
I'm gonna "La La Land" the Dog Awards and make Chi Chi win.
Esther, you can't.
What about the sanctity of the awar I'm kidding.
Screw this place.
He gets it.
Hey, Gertel.
I'm Esther, one of the producers here.
Nice to meet you.
So, we're, uh, shuffling some stuff around, last min.
TV, you know how it is, no big deal.
What we're gonna wanna do is lose the "Fuzz" winner card and swap it out for a "Chi Chi" winner card.
You think Gertel was born yesterday? I've been doing this for 60 years.
Desi Arnaz tried to pull this same crap with me in 1964.
I'm sorry that Desi played you like that.
I don't know what you're trying to pull, but it's not going to fly.
Ricardo, Tony.
Get her outta here.
I'll see myself out.
Unless you guys wanted to pick me up horizontally like Madonna in the "Material Girl" video? And you reinforce this, it'd be a good idea.
So then Cosmo sits here, and then that's just the broom, and it flies.
- [TECHNICIAN.]
Mm-hmm.
- [JIM.]
Oh, great.
Great.
Oh, hey, excuse me.
Those fuzzy slippers, we cannot have those around when Cosmo shows up.
He will become aroused.
Um, I wanted to talk to you guys about something.
I feel like the dogs in my hot dog sketch aren't reading as hot.
Uh, we cut that sketch, man.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, you cut it? - It's not a funny thing, it's a time issue.
It is also a funny thing, if I'm being honest, but look, man, we're gonna extend the Hairy Pawter bit.
We need time to hold for laughs.
That sketch has legs.
- Four legs, you might say.
- Ah, four legs! [LAUGHS.]
- Yeah.
Four legs.
That's good.
- [JIM SIGHS.]
All right.
[FEMALE ANNOUNCER.]
And we're back in beautiful Van Nuys, California.
It's the 21st annual American Dog Awards! Hey, buddy.
Remember this? - [MAN.]
Ready camera one.
- Yeah.
Of course I remember it.
It's my binder that you stole.
And don't try to feed me some lie about how you found it in the bathroom or something, 'cause I never use the bathrooms here.
They're disgusting.
All right, dude.
Settle down.
Oh, I'm pretty settled right now, but any minute, - Cosmo's gonna be really excited.
- What are you talkin' about? I put a fuzzy slipper in Cosmo's Hairy Pawter box, so he's probably gonna boner pretty hard on TV.
- No, you didn't.
- You stole my binder.
I was jokeless.
Bro, I stole your binder, 'cause that's how it works.
Older writers steal from younger writers.
I saw something in you.
I was gonna take you with me to the Guy's Choice Awards.
I did I didn't realize all that! - How? - [ANNOUNCER.]
Now let's take a magical trip to Dogwarts! Oh, we got a lot of production value goin' on here.
What do we got, we got the three capes and a hat.
And the one and only Hairy Pawter! Oh, dang! That is a big ol' dog lipstick! [JIM.]
I hope you're happy.
You're gonna get me fired.
Of course I'm not happy! Guys, guys, listen.
That was the network.
- Tom, I am so sorry - [TOM.]
No, no, no.
Listen.
They're loving this.
They say it's exactly the youthful rebrand that the Dog Awards needs.
I don't know.
They think it's edgy.
Jim, you're a legend.
- [BECKY.]
Jimbo! Whoo-hoo! - All right.
All right.
OK.
Well, there you go! We're a comedy duo now.
No, we're not.
Good writers borrow, great writers steal.
Only hacks try to ruin other writers' sketches.
- Hack.
- Well Maybe we could still collab? Punch up each others' tweets? - [FANFARE.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
Hello.
I'm Jonas Templeton, President of the American Canine Society So I think I might be blacklisted from writing on awards shows, but at least my sketch crushed.
Who wants to write for these, anyway? It's a corrupt cesspool of lies.
I heard Becky say she has a cat.
Traitor.
Here are the nominees for hero dog of the year.
[FEMALE ANNOUNCER.]
Daisy, the police dog.
Butter, the epileptic Pomeranian.
Chi Chi, the quadruple amputee Golden Retriever.
And Fuzz Valderrama, who seems pretty cool on Instagram.
And the Golden Bone goes to - Stop! Stop! - [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
I can't let this happen.
I need the viewers at home to know that this is rigged! That's right.
And the real winner tonight should be Chi Chi.
She has four prosthetic paws and one giant heart.
Yeah, the card says, "Chi Chi.
" - [APPLAUSE.]
- Oh, my God! I mean Oh.
OK.
Sorry.
Uh, as you were, Mr.
Templeton.
And, just so everyone at home knows, if you're a dog owner, chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
Also, hi, Mom.
I know you said you wouldn't be watching, but in case you are.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ESTHER.]
Well, safe to say that the drama I created was good for ratings.
Pretty sure if the ratings are good, it's gonna be because of my dog boner.
[SIGHS.]
I can't believe they only gave us one drink ticket.
I know you switched the cards.
You act so cool, like you don't care, but I know you care, and that you switched them! Thank you! I don't know what you're talking about.
That does not sound like something I would do.
Hey, did you guys hear about this? Somebody drugged Gertel.
Now that sounds like something I would do.
'Scuse me! Well, guys, you did a job.
The last guy quit halfway through, so you did better than him.
That sounds We did a good job! Yeah.
You did a job.
I'll take it.
Thanks, dude.
Yeah.
You're welcome.
OK, bring it in.
What'd you steal? I got these sunglasses.
They were on a pug, and they're really nice.
And they fit! Lifetime supply of Post-Its.
It's too bad you're not as smart as me, 'cause I got eight staplers in my messenger bag right now.
There's a fax machine and a label maker in your car.
Don't open the trunk until we get home.
Write that down.
Don't want you to forget.