Alpha House (2013) s02e08 Episode Script
Bugged
Adriana! Adriana! Hey, hey.
Adriana? I'm so sorry I'm late.
You said you were at our favorite spot on the beach.
And I couldn't remember if it was in front of Shuckers or the beach club or at the house.
Is this our favorite spot? I think so.
Andy I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Thinking good.
Me too.
And what I think is that you're incorrigible.
- Without help, there's - I've been getting help.
I've been talking to Jody, and she Jody? Your ex-wife? She's a shrink and she's helped me to frame my problem as a cost/benefit ratio, like the FDA does with cigarettes.
You know, what are the benefits of smoking? Years of pleasure, versus the cost, a painful, early death.
So you're comparing me to a painful, early death? No, that's what I'm trying to avoid.
By giving up the years of pleasure.
So you're giving up years of pleasure by being with me? This is not coming out right.
The point is, I love you.
And I value you, much, much more than I value all the you know, the The cheating.
Yes, Andy, I get it.
But where does that leave us? You know, I love you.
And I do think that you love me.
And we both have these big ambitions we belong together.
- But - But? I've asked Benny to speak to you about the "but.
" And if you and he can come to terms, then we move forward.
But if not this is our big good-bye.
So I'd make the most of it, if I were you.
Good morning, Senator.
Did y'all ever get duct-taped in college? You know, where you pass out and your dorm-mates wrap you all up in duct tape and they hang you from a pipe for a couple hours? - Don't remind me.
- Why do you ask? That's what this dinner was like tonight.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Thank goodness they didn't take my Bush.
What's that? I have an original oil by President George W.
Bush in my bedroom from his Au Bain period.
How are you spelling that, sir? Well, you don't need to write it down.
I just said it's not missing.
I need to verify the artwork's provenance, sir.
This is Officer Miller.
We've got an original painting on the premises by the second President Bush from his, uh His Au Bain period.
It means "his bathroom.
" From his bathroom period.
Over.
Copy that.
Checking.
Well, all my belongings are accounted for there, Officer.
There's nothing missing from the basement, not even my shotgun.
- You have a firearm, sir? - Yes, it's registered.
Well, for crying out loud, you're treating us like we're the criminals.
We're United States senators.
- So nothing's missing? - No.
- Again.
- Again? It's the third time we've been burglarized with nothing taken.
That's just humiliating.
We need better shit.
Good morning, troops.
Good morning, sir.
Good news.
- No, it's not.
- Sure, it is.
You've been named by Out magazine as D.
C.
's homophobe of the year.
Why isn't this good news? - Ooh, nice photo.
- Hmm.
I really look angry, like I'm standing up to sodomy.
It just doesn't play well anymore, sir.
Nevada moderates are actually becoming pro gay rights.
This could pull them over to Jillette.
We need to start re-thinking your position.
I don't rethink my positions, Julie.
I think them once.
I don't blow with with - The wind, sir.
- What? Oh, right.
I'm nobody's wind sock.
So we understand your house was burglarized, Senator? Yes, but how does the NSA know that? Uh, any time an elected Representative calls the police, the FBI is notified and they they tell us, so.
It's standard operating procedure.
We're not bugging you.
We don't do that.
We do, yeah okay, we do do that.
But, uh, it takes a court order and that's not easy.
It's you're right, it's absurdly easy.
But we haven't abused it.
Recently.
You concede a lot, Jeff.
I hope you're never tortured.
Oh.
Me too, yeah.
I would just spill everything.
I am a pussy.
I once water-boarded myself in the shower just to see what it was li and there is no way, so Which is why they keep me out of the loop and that suits me fine.
It allows me to focus.
- On what? - Counter intelligence.
Counter intell I mean, what's that got to do with our burglary? - It's probably just some kids.
- Sure, sure.
Probably kids.
Probably.
Um, but we would like to bring some guys by the house just and do a sweep.
Just for safety.
- Sweep for what? - Uh, I wouldn't I don't know.
They don't they really don't tell me anything, so.
I'm I'm just surrounded by firewalls.
I understand.
We think the Chinese are bugging you.
So we need to help four senators move to yea.
Won't be easy, sir.
There wasn't a lot of wobbliness the first time around.
So great.
This is exactly what I thought it would be like working in Congress, more getting votes on important issues, less dog walking.
Either way, it's a privilege, sir.
You bet it is.
- I'm not even sure where we should start.
- I am.
You start with the low hanging fruit.
Now, Betty, you weren't here when they tried to pass this thing, so you don't have to change your vote.
Oh, Gil John, of course I'll vote for your wonderful bill.
What's in it? Then you gotta look at Personal connections.
I already voted against the bill, Gil.
And I was just reminding my staff, you never want to seem indecisive.
You also don't want to seem too rigid and inflexible.
What are you talking about? Of course I do.
That's how our side rolls these days.
Have you not been paying attention? Tell you what, you flip, I'll get all caught up on my rent.
Like, right now I'll have Tammy walk that check over.
Deal.
Got any more personal connections? No, but I think I can make it personal.
I'd love to help you, Gil John, but I served.
I take the chain of command seriously.
Well, so do I, very seriously.
I did two tours in Iraq.
What? With who? Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, it was a USO tour.
But the point is, Lamar, there were 26,000 military sexual assaults last year.
Now, I talked to your daughter at the Christmas party, and I think you know that she's planning on joining the military.
What kind of system do you want to put her in? Just need one more.
Might have to do us a little horse trading.
I never understood that expression.
People used to trade horses for other horses? Yes.
Problem is, I don't see anybody here open for business.
Well, there is one person you can take a swing at, the lone obstension from last time.
Who is that? Peg Stanchion.
No way.
- So you heard from Benny? - Of course I heard from Benny.
He turned the spigot back on.
Why else would I be driving through corn fields with you? They steered us some PAC funds, but it's limited money from Adriana personally.
Why limited? Because you and Adriana aren't married as planned.
If she's your spouse, she can give you unlimited dollars.
As girlfriend, she's just another small donor.
The only difference between Adriana and your ex-housekeeper right now is 2,600 bucks.
Okay, kids.
We are here.
Are you kidding? This is what the trail looks like, Andy.
Better get used to it.
Oh, by the way, tomorrow you're meeting with the county's top Evangelical caucus organizers.
You might want to brush up with the old Gideons.
Have you seen this thing with Penn? No.
Why? He's taking it to the YouTubes again.
Play it from the beginning.
Hi, folks, I gotta make this fast.
Gotta run on stage Wh Teller? Yes, I know, Teller.
Stop yelling.
Stop yelling, Teller.
I know, I know.
Yeah, the cover of Out magazine.
We have a subscription.
We're not we're not dating or married.
If we were, we would let you know.
But Out magazine has declared Senator Louis Laffer homophobe of the year.
And if you look over some of the things he said about gays, it is richly deserved.
I mean, this is 2014.
On our staff, we have like four or five gays, and if we count our entourage, it's like seven Okay, okay, okay.
I get it, I get it.
Sir, you have to get out ahead of this.
You're losing the moderate vote fast.
I know.
And I've been thinking hard about what you said yesterday and I've decided I'm evolving.
- "Evolving"? - Worked for Obama.
No, sir, it's too late for evolving.
Everyone else has evolved.
You'll be like the last microbe out of the ocean.
It's time to be bold.
Evolution is bold.
Especially for a Republican.
But, sir, it it's not an actual position.
It just means you're transitioning from one position to another.
Which creates drama and suspense.
I like it, sir.
It makes you seem dynamic.
Uh, James, that is beyond inane.
I'm just stepping up here, Julie.
Not all of us are going on leave.
Enough! I made up my mind.
I'm changing my position to no position.
I'll announce it this afternoon.
That is all.
Sorry to just barge in.
I didn't see your assistant out there.
I don't have an assistant.
- You don't? - No.
- Who coordinates your schedule? - I do.
How much does your Senate office cost the taxpayers every year? I don't know off the top of my head.
3 million.
You know how much mine costs? 300 grand.
Which one of us is more serious about cutting the deficit, you or me? You are.
Right.
What is that, a trick answer? I don't see any reason to be unpleasant.
What do you want? I'm working with the women's caucus on that bill to curb military sexual assault.
I believe you abstained the last time.
Yes, you don't try to reform the military justice system while the whole country's burning to the ground.
How is the country never mind.
Anyway, I was hoping you'd reconsider.
- Did you know that 26% - Okay, I'll vote for it.
- What do you what? You will? - Yes.
I'll vote for it if you give me your vote on my bill to make the Benghazi select committee permanent.
Are you actually serious about investigating Benghazi forever? Why wouldn't I be? Four people died.
Peg, 241 Americans died in the Beirut barracks bombing because someone left a gate open.
There was one congressional investigation.
One, over and done.
Love the "back in the day" story, but I still don't see how I can vote for your bill without something in return.
It'd be political malpractice.
Let me think on it.
You know where to find me.
What is be Do you really Wow, what Why would someone bug Louis? It's actually the whole house.
- We found five more.
- Really? Senator, I'd like to bring you inside.
Can you handle that? Jeff, I am inside.
I'm on the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Sorry, that's where information goes to get leaked.
No, this would actually be top secret.
Ooh.
As in 850,000 people have top secret security clearance? Well, that number's classified.
But yeah.
In any case, you would not be able to tell anyone.
Not your housemates, not even your wife.
I don't have a wife anymore, thank you.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Anyway, we believe the P.
L.
A.
is continuing to do cyberspy operations on Vorstrum, Alcoa, Westinghouse, all in your state.
Which is why I sponsored the economic competitiveness act.
Which is why we think they might be bugging you.
They could be worried about the bill.
See, if you require greater encryption for D.
O.
D.
vendors Well, that'd make it harder for them to hack.
- That's right.
- Wow.
Wow.
The Chinese are bugging me.
We'd like to confirm it, so what we'd like to do is give you a piece of counter-intel on Vorstrum and just have you slip it into conversation.
- Sure.
- See if the Chinese react.
And if they do, your Bush could be more valuable as a C.
I.
asset than a piece of fine art.
Well, that shouldn't be too hard.
Really? I like it.
It's part of his Au Bain period.
So tell us about your relationship with God, Senator.
- My relationship with Him? - Yes.
What's it like? Oh, I'd say it's very Friendly.
Positive.
Does he speak to you? You mean, do I actually hear God talking? No.
I'm not crazy.
I prefer to think that he talks through me.
- You know, I'm his spokesman.
- Spokesman? Like Jesus Christ? No.
Not at that level, obviously.
Jesus had mad skills.
I'm more like a deputy spokesman.
Was God speaking through you when you asked your wife for a divorce? No, but I think he was speaking through the judge.
Sure sounded like him.
I ask because I'm always reading stories at the supermarket about your extramarital affairs.
They trouble me.
I love my husband the same way I love Jesus, and I believe in being faithful to both of them.
So how goes the roundup? Good, Rose, good.
You want me to go back to the caucus, tell them you got a little overconfident? No, I got the votes.
Laffer, Mower, Farkus, and Stanchion.
Stanchion? No way.
- How? - Still working on that.
Like many Americans, I find that my views on gays are evolving Not in the biological sense of evolution, which is just a fun theory for schoolchildren, but in the philosophical sense.
I ask for Patience until I have completed the difficult journey between contradictory convictions.
Senator Laffer, does this mean you now support gay marriage? No.
I don't have any position on gay marriage.
And I think a great many people share my ambivalence.
We just don't know what to think about it.
Topic comes up at dinner parties, and we just sort of shift uncomfortably in our chairs.
Creak.
Creak.
It's awkward.
But just last year, when you received the "say no to sodomy" award, you said, "normal Americans are repulsed by the thought of two men together.
" Well, I don't think that anymore.
But I also don't not think it.
I want to be clear about that.
Sir, your opponent, Penn Jillette, released a video saying he works with openly gay colleagues every day, and that he has seven gays in his entourage.
That means nothing.
Gays have traditionally been part of entourages.
I, myself, have a gay staff member.
My chief of staff, Julie Carrell, is a lesbian-style gay, and she's family.
We just think of her as "our" Julie.
Is Ms.
Carrell in a gay marriage? No.
But I'm sure it's in the works.
- She's pregnant.
- Oh, my God.
And we're hopeful that she'll be tying the knot.
You did not.
I don't approve, of course, yet, because I'm still between positions.
But that's all I'll be saying on that.
It's a private matter between Ms.
Carrell and her partner, Katharine Sims.
Uh, are there any other questions? Julie, I'm so, so sorry.
I I don't know how that happened.
That reporter was throwing Penn's gay entourage at my face, and you were the obvious comeback.
I cannot believe that you just did that.
I really am sorry.
I mean, you're the reason I'm evolving.
Oh, oh, so that's my fault then.
- Okay - No, no, no, not your fault.
- You're the inspiration.
- That was perfect.
People are already tweeting about the G.
O.
P.
gay wedding.
- It's a hashtag.
- We're not getting married.
Oh? That's weird.
- Didn't you just say that - Stand down, James.
- I gotta call my parents.
- Your parents, why? Oh, they don't know I'm gay.
Or pregnant.
Hoo, boy.
Okay, everyone, clear the room.
Personal call.
Give them my love.
There's no way it'll pass, right? Making that Benghazi thing permanent? - No.
- Even if it did pass, where's the harm, right? I mean, at some point, it'll run out of steam and we can cut it, - claim we're helping the deficit.
- There you go.
Say, you guys know what Vorstrum's been up to lately, right? - Vorstrum? - Yeah, you know, Vorstrum.
I talk about Vorstrum a lot because Vorstrum is based in my state.
Anyway, apparently, their tactical wheeled vehicle structure you know, the one that's improved fuel efficiency while maintaining survivability and payload capability is about to take off.
- No kidding.
- Why are you talking so loud? 'Cause I'm excited.
My confidential sources tell me that the U.
S.
army tank automotive research development and engineering center, TARDEC, is about to make a major purchase.
It could be worth as much as $14.
8 billion, - according to these same sources.
- Okay.
I can see why you might be excited about it, but why on earth would we? I don't know, I just find the whole thing fascinating.
And that's not all my sources say Sorry, I gotta take this.
- Hello? - Stop.
- What? - No more.
- We're aborting, that was awful.
- It was? Yeah, yeah, we're compromised.
Uh, thanks anyway, Senator.
- I'm sorry, Jeff, I - Not your fault.
Sir, you are an amateur.
Should not have recruited you.
We'll pull the bugs out tomorrow.
Good night.
Hmm? Morning, Senator.
Oh, Benny.
Checking on your investment? No, no, no, we hear good things.
Such as? Such as you having made it through the last week without mishap.
That's just fucking creepy, man.
It's called "due diligence," Senator.
Good luck with your meeting today.
6:00 in the morning just to let me know he's put a tail on me.
- He said that? - He implied it.
Of course he may just want me to think that, but either way, he's got me paranoid.
Andy, why is Benny involved in any of this? Sadly, my relationship with Adriana has become a little provisional.
We're a couple with caveats.
If I don't embarrass her again, we get back on track.
But if I mess up, I get cut off.
Or worse.
Worse? I get the distinct impression from Benny that there could be a punitive piece to it.
The dude is dark.
He never actually threatens you, but when he looks at you, you can almost hear your legs breaking.
- Well? - Vote yes.
And you'll support the permanent select committee? Uh-huh.
You do know it's never going to pass, right? We'll see.
Thanks for your vote.
And they say we can't work with the opposition.
Peg, we're on the same team.
No.
No, we're not, Gil John.
Please don't ever think that.
- Senator Shelby? - No.
Tammy, you're just in time.
Stanchion's about to put us over.
- Senator Stabenow? - Aye.
Senator Stanchion? Aye.
We won! We won! - Senator tester? - No.
- Senator Thune? - No.
We did it, ladies! - Oh, that's so great.
- Ow! And if Congress doesn't keep the part "B" subsidies in place, we're not going to be competitive.
We took a big hit with general mills taking the GMOs - out of their cereals.
- Yep, sure.
To keep our production models intact, we need some help opening up new foreign markets.
- What kind of help? - Well, for instance, a push in the Senate on the TTP and the T.
I.
S.
A.
? Sure, the T.
I.
S.
A.
That can help with market penetration in Columbia, Peru, opening up Cuba.
It's still the dream, eh? I'm sorry, what about Cuba? Well, politically it's a nonstarter, we know that.
Why is it a nonstarter? Well, no normalization bill has ever come close to passing, Senator.
But without it, Cuba doesn't have enough dollars to buy our commodities at real volume.
We're leaving billions on the table.
- Billions? - Yes, sir.
Okay.
I need to hear everything about this.
And the military justice reform bill, thought to be dead just months ago, passed the Senate today, with Senator Gil John Biggs being credited with rounding up four critical swing votes, a feat sure to help his re-election prospects.
The members of the Senate Women's Caucus had nothing but praise for the North Carolina Senator.
- Sup, guys? - Shh.
Gil John's having his CNN moment.
Senator Biggs was indispensable.
That kind of leadership is rare in our party these days.
He's a common sense conservative, a Chris Christie without the bridge.
Rand Paul and Andy Guzman had better look out.
And on Wall Street, Vorstrum shares plummeted today after the D.
O.
D.
canceled a multibillion-dollar contract for tactical wheeled vehicle frames.
The hell? This only hours after two major state-run Chinese banks had taken enormous positions in Vorstrum.
- Huh? - The PRC took an estimated $700 million hit on the news.
More after this.
Adriana? I'm so sorry I'm late.
You said you were at our favorite spot on the beach.
And I couldn't remember if it was in front of Shuckers or the beach club or at the house.
Is this our favorite spot? I think so.
Andy I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Thinking good.
Me too.
And what I think is that you're incorrigible.
- Without help, there's - I've been getting help.
I've been talking to Jody, and she Jody? Your ex-wife? She's a shrink and she's helped me to frame my problem as a cost/benefit ratio, like the FDA does with cigarettes.
You know, what are the benefits of smoking? Years of pleasure, versus the cost, a painful, early death.
So you're comparing me to a painful, early death? No, that's what I'm trying to avoid.
By giving up the years of pleasure.
So you're giving up years of pleasure by being with me? This is not coming out right.
The point is, I love you.
And I value you, much, much more than I value all the you know, the The cheating.
Yes, Andy, I get it.
But where does that leave us? You know, I love you.
And I do think that you love me.
And we both have these big ambitions we belong together.
- But - But? I've asked Benny to speak to you about the "but.
" And if you and he can come to terms, then we move forward.
But if not this is our big good-bye.
So I'd make the most of it, if I were you.
Good morning, Senator.
Did y'all ever get duct-taped in college? You know, where you pass out and your dorm-mates wrap you all up in duct tape and they hang you from a pipe for a couple hours? - Don't remind me.
- Why do you ask? That's what this dinner was like tonight.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Thank goodness they didn't take my Bush.
What's that? I have an original oil by President George W.
Bush in my bedroom from his Au Bain period.
How are you spelling that, sir? Well, you don't need to write it down.
I just said it's not missing.
I need to verify the artwork's provenance, sir.
This is Officer Miller.
We've got an original painting on the premises by the second President Bush from his, uh His Au Bain period.
It means "his bathroom.
" From his bathroom period.
Over.
Copy that.
Checking.
Well, all my belongings are accounted for there, Officer.
There's nothing missing from the basement, not even my shotgun.
- You have a firearm, sir? - Yes, it's registered.
Well, for crying out loud, you're treating us like we're the criminals.
We're United States senators.
- So nothing's missing? - No.
- Again.
- Again? It's the third time we've been burglarized with nothing taken.
That's just humiliating.
We need better shit.
Good morning, troops.
Good morning, sir.
Good news.
- No, it's not.
- Sure, it is.
You've been named by Out magazine as D.
C.
's homophobe of the year.
Why isn't this good news? - Ooh, nice photo.
- Hmm.
I really look angry, like I'm standing up to sodomy.
It just doesn't play well anymore, sir.
Nevada moderates are actually becoming pro gay rights.
This could pull them over to Jillette.
We need to start re-thinking your position.
I don't rethink my positions, Julie.
I think them once.
I don't blow with with - The wind, sir.
- What? Oh, right.
I'm nobody's wind sock.
So we understand your house was burglarized, Senator? Yes, but how does the NSA know that? Uh, any time an elected Representative calls the police, the FBI is notified and they they tell us, so.
It's standard operating procedure.
We're not bugging you.
We don't do that.
We do, yeah okay, we do do that.
But, uh, it takes a court order and that's not easy.
It's you're right, it's absurdly easy.
But we haven't abused it.
Recently.
You concede a lot, Jeff.
I hope you're never tortured.
Oh.
Me too, yeah.
I would just spill everything.
I am a pussy.
I once water-boarded myself in the shower just to see what it was li and there is no way, so Which is why they keep me out of the loop and that suits me fine.
It allows me to focus.
- On what? - Counter intelligence.
Counter intell I mean, what's that got to do with our burglary? - It's probably just some kids.
- Sure, sure.
Probably kids.
Probably.
Um, but we would like to bring some guys by the house just and do a sweep.
Just for safety.
- Sweep for what? - Uh, I wouldn't I don't know.
They don't they really don't tell me anything, so.
I'm I'm just surrounded by firewalls.
I understand.
We think the Chinese are bugging you.
So we need to help four senators move to yea.
Won't be easy, sir.
There wasn't a lot of wobbliness the first time around.
So great.
This is exactly what I thought it would be like working in Congress, more getting votes on important issues, less dog walking.
Either way, it's a privilege, sir.
You bet it is.
- I'm not even sure where we should start.
- I am.
You start with the low hanging fruit.
Now, Betty, you weren't here when they tried to pass this thing, so you don't have to change your vote.
Oh, Gil John, of course I'll vote for your wonderful bill.
What's in it? Then you gotta look at Personal connections.
I already voted against the bill, Gil.
And I was just reminding my staff, you never want to seem indecisive.
You also don't want to seem too rigid and inflexible.
What are you talking about? Of course I do.
That's how our side rolls these days.
Have you not been paying attention? Tell you what, you flip, I'll get all caught up on my rent.
Like, right now I'll have Tammy walk that check over.
Deal.
Got any more personal connections? No, but I think I can make it personal.
I'd love to help you, Gil John, but I served.
I take the chain of command seriously.
Well, so do I, very seriously.
I did two tours in Iraq.
What? With who? Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, it was a USO tour.
But the point is, Lamar, there were 26,000 military sexual assaults last year.
Now, I talked to your daughter at the Christmas party, and I think you know that she's planning on joining the military.
What kind of system do you want to put her in? Just need one more.
Might have to do us a little horse trading.
I never understood that expression.
People used to trade horses for other horses? Yes.
Problem is, I don't see anybody here open for business.
Well, there is one person you can take a swing at, the lone obstension from last time.
Who is that? Peg Stanchion.
No way.
- So you heard from Benny? - Of course I heard from Benny.
He turned the spigot back on.
Why else would I be driving through corn fields with you? They steered us some PAC funds, but it's limited money from Adriana personally.
Why limited? Because you and Adriana aren't married as planned.
If she's your spouse, she can give you unlimited dollars.
As girlfriend, she's just another small donor.
The only difference between Adriana and your ex-housekeeper right now is 2,600 bucks.
Okay, kids.
We are here.
Are you kidding? This is what the trail looks like, Andy.
Better get used to it.
Oh, by the way, tomorrow you're meeting with the county's top Evangelical caucus organizers.
You might want to brush up with the old Gideons.
Have you seen this thing with Penn? No.
Why? He's taking it to the YouTubes again.
Play it from the beginning.
Hi, folks, I gotta make this fast.
Gotta run on stage Wh Teller? Yes, I know, Teller.
Stop yelling.
Stop yelling, Teller.
I know, I know.
Yeah, the cover of Out magazine.
We have a subscription.
We're not we're not dating or married.
If we were, we would let you know.
But Out magazine has declared Senator Louis Laffer homophobe of the year.
And if you look over some of the things he said about gays, it is richly deserved.
I mean, this is 2014.
On our staff, we have like four or five gays, and if we count our entourage, it's like seven Okay, okay, okay.
I get it, I get it.
Sir, you have to get out ahead of this.
You're losing the moderate vote fast.
I know.
And I've been thinking hard about what you said yesterday and I've decided I'm evolving.
- "Evolving"? - Worked for Obama.
No, sir, it's too late for evolving.
Everyone else has evolved.
You'll be like the last microbe out of the ocean.
It's time to be bold.
Evolution is bold.
Especially for a Republican.
But, sir, it it's not an actual position.
It just means you're transitioning from one position to another.
Which creates drama and suspense.
I like it, sir.
It makes you seem dynamic.
Uh, James, that is beyond inane.
I'm just stepping up here, Julie.
Not all of us are going on leave.
Enough! I made up my mind.
I'm changing my position to no position.
I'll announce it this afternoon.
That is all.
Sorry to just barge in.
I didn't see your assistant out there.
I don't have an assistant.
- You don't? - No.
- Who coordinates your schedule? - I do.
How much does your Senate office cost the taxpayers every year? I don't know off the top of my head.
3 million.
You know how much mine costs? 300 grand.
Which one of us is more serious about cutting the deficit, you or me? You are.
Right.
What is that, a trick answer? I don't see any reason to be unpleasant.
What do you want? I'm working with the women's caucus on that bill to curb military sexual assault.
I believe you abstained the last time.
Yes, you don't try to reform the military justice system while the whole country's burning to the ground.
How is the country never mind.
Anyway, I was hoping you'd reconsider.
- Did you know that 26% - Okay, I'll vote for it.
- What do you what? You will? - Yes.
I'll vote for it if you give me your vote on my bill to make the Benghazi select committee permanent.
Are you actually serious about investigating Benghazi forever? Why wouldn't I be? Four people died.
Peg, 241 Americans died in the Beirut barracks bombing because someone left a gate open.
There was one congressional investigation.
One, over and done.
Love the "back in the day" story, but I still don't see how I can vote for your bill without something in return.
It'd be political malpractice.
Let me think on it.
You know where to find me.
What is be Do you really Wow, what Why would someone bug Louis? It's actually the whole house.
- We found five more.
- Really? Senator, I'd like to bring you inside.
Can you handle that? Jeff, I am inside.
I'm on the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Sorry, that's where information goes to get leaked.
No, this would actually be top secret.
Ooh.
As in 850,000 people have top secret security clearance? Well, that number's classified.
But yeah.
In any case, you would not be able to tell anyone.
Not your housemates, not even your wife.
I don't have a wife anymore, thank you.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Anyway, we believe the P.
L.
A.
is continuing to do cyberspy operations on Vorstrum, Alcoa, Westinghouse, all in your state.
Which is why I sponsored the economic competitiveness act.
Which is why we think they might be bugging you.
They could be worried about the bill.
See, if you require greater encryption for D.
O.
D.
vendors Well, that'd make it harder for them to hack.
- That's right.
- Wow.
Wow.
The Chinese are bugging me.
We'd like to confirm it, so what we'd like to do is give you a piece of counter-intel on Vorstrum and just have you slip it into conversation.
- Sure.
- See if the Chinese react.
And if they do, your Bush could be more valuable as a C.
I.
asset than a piece of fine art.
Well, that shouldn't be too hard.
Really? I like it.
It's part of his Au Bain period.
So tell us about your relationship with God, Senator.
- My relationship with Him? - Yes.
What's it like? Oh, I'd say it's very Friendly.
Positive.
Does he speak to you? You mean, do I actually hear God talking? No.
I'm not crazy.
I prefer to think that he talks through me.
- You know, I'm his spokesman.
- Spokesman? Like Jesus Christ? No.
Not at that level, obviously.
Jesus had mad skills.
I'm more like a deputy spokesman.
Was God speaking through you when you asked your wife for a divorce? No, but I think he was speaking through the judge.
Sure sounded like him.
I ask because I'm always reading stories at the supermarket about your extramarital affairs.
They trouble me.
I love my husband the same way I love Jesus, and I believe in being faithful to both of them.
So how goes the roundup? Good, Rose, good.
You want me to go back to the caucus, tell them you got a little overconfident? No, I got the votes.
Laffer, Mower, Farkus, and Stanchion.
Stanchion? No way.
- How? - Still working on that.
Like many Americans, I find that my views on gays are evolving Not in the biological sense of evolution, which is just a fun theory for schoolchildren, but in the philosophical sense.
I ask for Patience until I have completed the difficult journey between contradictory convictions.
Senator Laffer, does this mean you now support gay marriage? No.
I don't have any position on gay marriage.
And I think a great many people share my ambivalence.
We just don't know what to think about it.
Topic comes up at dinner parties, and we just sort of shift uncomfortably in our chairs.
Creak.
Creak.
It's awkward.
But just last year, when you received the "say no to sodomy" award, you said, "normal Americans are repulsed by the thought of two men together.
" Well, I don't think that anymore.
But I also don't not think it.
I want to be clear about that.
Sir, your opponent, Penn Jillette, released a video saying he works with openly gay colleagues every day, and that he has seven gays in his entourage.
That means nothing.
Gays have traditionally been part of entourages.
I, myself, have a gay staff member.
My chief of staff, Julie Carrell, is a lesbian-style gay, and she's family.
We just think of her as "our" Julie.
Is Ms.
Carrell in a gay marriage? No.
But I'm sure it's in the works.
- She's pregnant.
- Oh, my God.
And we're hopeful that she'll be tying the knot.
You did not.
I don't approve, of course, yet, because I'm still between positions.
But that's all I'll be saying on that.
It's a private matter between Ms.
Carrell and her partner, Katharine Sims.
Uh, are there any other questions? Julie, I'm so, so sorry.
I I don't know how that happened.
That reporter was throwing Penn's gay entourage at my face, and you were the obvious comeback.
I cannot believe that you just did that.
I really am sorry.
I mean, you're the reason I'm evolving.
Oh, oh, so that's my fault then.
- Okay - No, no, no, not your fault.
- You're the inspiration.
- That was perfect.
People are already tweeting about the G.
O.
P.
gay wedding.
- It's a hashtag.
- We're not getting married.
Oh? That's weird.
- Didn't you just say that - Stand down, James.
- I gotta call my parents.
- Your parents, why? Oh, they don't know I'm gay.
Or pregnant.
Hoo, boy.
Okay, everyone, clear the room.
Personal call.
Give them my love.
There's no way it'll pass, right? Making that Benghazi thing permanent? - No.
- Even if it did pass, where's the harm, right? I mean, at some point, it'll run out of steam and we can cut it, - claim we're helping the deficit.
- There you go.
Say, you guys know what Vorstrum's been up to lately, right? - Vorstrum? - Yeah, you know, Vorstrum.
I talk about Vorstrum a lot because Vorstrum is based in my state.
Anyway, apparently, their tactical wheeled vehicle structure you know, the one that's improved fuel efficiency while maintaining survivability and payload capability is about to take off.
- No kidding.
- Why are you talking so loud? 'Cause I'm excited.
My confidential sources tell me that the U.
S.
army tank automotive research development and engineering center, TARDEC, is about to make a major purchase.
It could be worth as much as $14.
8 billion, - according to these same sources.
- Okay.
I can see why you might be excited about it, but why on earth would we? I don't know, I just find the whole thing fascinating.
And that's not all my sources say Sorry, I gotta take this.
- Hello? - Stop.
- What? - No more.
- We're aborting, that was awful.
- It was? Yeah, yeah, we're compromised.
Uh, thanks anyway, Senator.
- I'm sorry, Jeff, I - Not your fault.
Sir, you are an amateur.
Should not have recruited you.
We'll pull the bugs out tomorrow.
Good night.
Hmm? Morning, Senator.
Oh, Benny.
Checking on your investment? No, no, no, we hear good things.
Such as? Such as you having made it through the last week without mishap.
That's just fucking creepy, man.
It's called "due diligence," Senator.
Good luck with your meeting today.
6:00 in the morning just to let me know he's put a tail on me.
- He said that? - He implied it.
Of course he may just want me to think that, but either way, he's got me paranoid.
Andy, why is Benny involved in any of this? Sadly, my relationship with Adriana has become a little provisional.
We're a couple with caveats.
If I don't embarrass her again, we get back on track.
But if I mess up, I get cut off.
Or worse.
Worse? I get the distinct impression from Benny that there could be a punitive piece to it.
The dude is dark.
He never actually threatens you, but when he looks at you, you can almost hear your legs breaking.
- Well? - Vote yes.
And you'll support the permanent select committee? Uh-huh.
You do know it's never going to pass, right? We'll see.
Thanks for your vote.
And they say we can't work with the opposition.
Peg, we're on the same team.
No.
No, we're not, Gil John.
Please don't ever think that.
- Senator Shelby? - No.
Tammy, you're just in time.
Stanchion's about to put us over.
- Senator Stabenow? - Aye.
Senator Stanchion? Aye.
We won! We won! - Senator tester? - No.
- Senator Thune? - No.
We did it, ladies! - Oh, that's so great.
- Ow! And if Congress doesn't keep the part "B" subsidies in place, we're not going to be competitive.
We took a big hit with general mills taking the GMOs - out of their cereals.
- Yep, sure.
To keep our production models intact, we need some help opening up new foreign markets.
- What kind of help? - Well, for instance, a push in the Senate on the TTP and the T.
I.
S.
A.
? Sure, the T.
I.
S.
A.
That can help with market penetration in Columbia, Peru, opening up Cuba.
It's still the dream, eh? I'm sorry, what about Cuba? Well, politically it's a nonstarter, we know that.
Why is it a nonstarter? Well, no normalization bill has ever come close to passing, Senator.
But without it, Cuba doesn't have enough dollars to buy our commodities at real volume.
We're leaving billions on the table.
- Billions? - Yes, sir.
Okay.
I need to hear everything about this.
And the military justice reform bill, thought to be dead just months ago, passed the Senate today, with Senator Gil John Biggs being credited with rounding up four critical swing votes, a feat sure to help his re-election prospects.
The members of the Senate Women's Caucus had nothing but praise for the North Carolina Senator.
- Sup, guys? - Shh.
Gil John's having his CNN moment.
Senator Biggs was indispensable.
That kind of leadership is rare in our party these days.
He's a common sense conservative, a Chris Christie without the bridge.
Rand Paul and Andy Guzman had better look out.
And on Wall Street, Vorstrum shares plummeted today after the D.
O.
D.
canceled a multibillion-dollar contract for tactical wheeled vehicle frames.
The hell? This only hours after two major state-run Chinese banks had taken enormous positions in Vorstrum.
- Huh? - The PRC took an estimated $700 million hit on the news.
More after this.