American Auto (2021) s02e08 Episode Script
Hack
So Friday's picnic
for our military families.
That's just a quick bite,
and we're out, right?
- Yes.
- Think so.
Yeah.
Great, and then we'll I don't know
We'll lead the veterans
down to the Detroit River,
and we'll just push them under.
Sound like a plan?
Mm-hmm.
So you're pro drowning
America's heroes and their families?
That's a bold take.
Sorry, they're taking
PR photos of the Pika
in the weather testing chamber.
No one's responding to my text
because the service
- sucks down there.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, all hands on deck, then, huh?
Yeah, maybe I should
climb up there myself
and manually boost the signal.
Just gonna give 'em notes in person.
Dory, can we do something
about that incessant ding sound?
Every time some HR drone
sends me a happy hump day meme,
I get a bell in the face.
- So annoying.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on it. I'll get
something more soothing
- like a like a whale song.
- What is this?
"Payne Motors has been hacked
"$20 million in Bitcoin by end of day
or contents being released."
Is there a hacking meme going around?
I'm Bill. This is Eric.
We're with cybersecurity here at Payne.
Early this morning,
our corporate servers
were indeed accessed
by a team of hackers.
Luckily, the firewalls did
their job and booted them out.
They only got a small amount of data.
Data? Like our like our emails?
Um, hi.
I do this funny thing where I write
playful sarcastic emails about
how awful my coworkers are.
And, again, tongue is firmly
planted in cheek,
but out of context,
it might seem hurtful.
Usually these teams
target customer data.
- Ohh.
- Oh, phew.
Financial info, credit
card numbers, that kinda thing.
Yeah, and certainly,
obviously, we don't want
- to lose any of that.
- I mean, I would prefer
- that it was our data.
- Oh, for sure.
- Given a choice.
- I wish.
So we're gonna have to shut down
the network to do an audit, so internet,
key cards, office computers
will all be offline.
It's a paper and pen day.
Right, well, thank you guys so much.
We really do appreciate it,
your expertise and knowledge.
- Thanks, everyone.
- Hey, we believe in you!
- Do we believe in them?
- No, God.
They don't look right to me.
Too clean cut.
They need to be more punky.
- Yeah.
- Um, nah,
I think that's, like, a movie thing.
Yeah, but the movie people
have done their research.
I mean, it's based on real life.
- Right.
- Exactly, we need
a young chick whose name
is, like, Destiny,
and she's got, like, a spiked collar
and a bunch of, you know,
gross face piercings,
messed up childhood,
so sexually, she's all over the map.
Look, even if the dweebs are right
and the hackers didn't
get anything, you know,
I don't wanna risk it.
Let's just pay the ransom.
I love that idea.
I think that's really great.
It sends a really strong message,
you know, and that message is, you know,
here's the money, just leave us alone.
- Right.
- But isn't paying the hackers
just like rewarding the criminals?
We're the victims here.
However we choose to process
our own trauma is inherently right.
Yeah, because if we don't
get to decide our own fate,
then that's like victimizing us twice.
- Exactly.
- Right.
We don't even really know
if they're criminals.
They could just be
a couple of regular Joes
who are saving up money for a lifesaving
heart transplant for their mum,
you know?
Y'all know that I was
just kidding about writing
the mean emails, right?
'Cause nobody laughed, so I
I didn't know if y'all got it.
Huh. Yeah.
These are Are there any camera tricks
to make it look less
like the weather is winning?
- I could airbrush it.
- Yeah.
Don't be shy with that.
Good idea. Thanks, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up.
I was trying to text you, but there is
- no service down here.
- No.
- Our computers got hacked.
- We got hacked?
- Mm-hmm.
- Like by professional hackers?
I'm not sure if they're professionals
our just, like, really good amateurs,
but I figured you'd want to know.
Yeah, we gotta get back up there.
Yeah, yeah.
What is Why isn't this working?
Right. Uh, the IT guys
said the key cards
would be offline for a while.
Hello?
I don't know why hackers
always want Bitcoin.
If it were me, I would demand cash.
And you'd be a fool because Bitcoin
is far superior to fiat cash.
What the hell is fiat cash?
It's, uh It's cash,
but this is better
because it's decentralized.
Oh, "de" -centralized? Wow, yeah.
Because I always hated
how centralized my money was.
You know what? Look.
Let me show you something.
Don't love where this is going.
So hold on.
So right in this tiny, hard wallet,
I have most of my net worth
converted to crypto.
If the entire financial system crashes,
Wesley's still got his money, honey.
Now what if someone steals that wallet?
- Mm.
- OK. Well there's
a passphrase, and if they
enter the phrase incorrectly
ten times, it locks out forever.
And if I ever want my money,
I just have to type in,
"milk was a bad choice."
Uh, I forgot it was all caps.
"Milk was a bad choice."
Now when you say it locks
forever after ten tries,
- how would you unlock it?
- Well, I mean, you can't.
It would just all get erased.
Because it's decentralized,
that's what makes it so great.
Shh, OK, It's fine. I know it.
And I have eight more tries,
so just relax, guys.
- I wasn't tripping.
- I said relax, guys!
Knock, knock.
Either knock or say "knock knock."
Yes. Good point as ever.
Your mentorship is greatly appreciated.
I just wanted to talk to you
about the hacker ransom.
So, ugh, so annoying.
Turns out we can't pay it.
What? Why not?
Well, it's kind of interesting story.
- You can stand.
- Yeah, OK.
The thing is Payne,
as a Fortune 500 company,
like many others, has a pretty rigid
internal policy
about not paying out ransoms
in cases of digital malfeasance.
- Why would we do that?
- It's a deterrent, you see.
If they think that we can't pay,
you know, then they're not
gonna bother to hack us.
- But they did hack us.
- Yeah, they did.
- So the deterrent didn't work.
- No, no.
Not this time for sure, yeah.
Bit of a hole
in the logic there I suppose.
Great, so now we're stuck trusting
those two bowls of human oatmeal
- to handle the hack for us.
- Yeah, well, you know.
- I mean, hopefully.
- Don't sit.
No. No, I'm not.
Hello?
Hey, maybe we can just pick the lock?
You know how to pick a lock?
I'll google it.
I won't I have no service.
Right. Just call somebody.
No service.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
Well, one of them must open the door.
- It's a big door.
- Oh.
OK. Stop, stop!
- I'm trying to turn it off.
- Please stop!
- Open this door!
- Please stop!
Oh, God!
Hey, team. Just checking in.
We still feeling confident
about everything or
We're still running diagnostics,
but we can confirm
that the network is completely
locked off from the hackers.
And our firewall did an even better job.
They weren't able to access
any customer data whatsoever.
Really? Wow!
Oh, gosh. Man, you guys are impressive.
I guess looks can be deceiving, huh?
What way do you mean?
Anyway, they got nothing?
Well, they actually pulled about
- ten gigs of internal data.
- Internal? Huh, ten gigs?
That is How much is?
"Encanto" is about two gigs
if you pirate it,
more if you want ultra high-def.
Well, you gotta watch it in high-def.
- You do.
- So they got, what,
a few high def "Encantos" of our stuff?
It's actually just your server,
so your emails, instant messages, memos,
all your internal communications.
Oh, so just So just my personal data.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- But the customers are safe.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Exactly.
And that is what is important.
God, what a relief.
What an absolute relief.
I mean, eventually they'll realize
we've been gone too long,
and they'll come
- check on us, right?
- I hope.
They seem pretty distracted
by the IT guys
and how they didn't have
enough piercings.
Yeah, that does sound like us.
I shouldn't have pressed that button.
Playtime is over. I am being decisive.
We gotta pay that ransom.
- Just, you know, we can't.
- Why?
Because of the company policy?
I'm the CEO.
I am the company. So guess what?
- Poof. No more policy.
- Yes, right.
It's just, with all due respect
to the power of poof,
without the shield
of a corporate mandate,
you know, I'm the one that's on the hook
for having authorized the payments.
Right. So, great. You can do it.
Technically I can, but I won't.
What?
Well, what you're really asking me to do
is put my name to a series of payments
to people who, for all we know,
might be terrorists.
We don't know. You know,
I could be breaking any number of laws.
They have all my emails.
Do you realize how bad
that would be if they got out?
I'd be humiliated.
With all due respect to that,
and I don't want you to be
humiliated at all, but equally
on the other side of the coin,
I don't want to go to jail.
So you have to admit that
it is kind of a close call.
Are you really saying
no to me right now?
- Is that what's happening here?
- No.
Apart from that one. It doesn't count.
Look, what I'm trying to say is
Because to be honest, the fact that you
aren't brownnosing me right now,
- it's very, very disorienting.
- I know. I know.
It's weird for me, too.
Retrace your steps mentally.
Where were you when you changed it?
- What were you doing? Who
- Oh, oh,
Fedora. I was wearing a fedora.
- There you go. A fedora?
- Ew.
It's the exact same one
Bruno Mars wears.
First things first, you need
to get rid of that damn hat.
Wait, wait, wait. Bruno Mars.
Bruno. Sacha Baron Cohen.
Oh, my God. I think I remember it.
I like to make sexy time.
- Oh.
- Nice.
Ah.
Oh, uh, my wife likes to make sexy time.
No, It's not "my wife
likes to make sexy time."
Have you even seen the movie?
- OK, Is it a person?
- Yep.
Definitely not an animal.
Wait, that's doesn't count.
- That doesn't count.
- Yes, it does.
So if you go into
the negative on "Jeopardy!",
do you have to pay them?
If you're worried,
I just wouldn't go on the show.
So is it bigger than a dog?
Yes, obviously. It's a person.
Sorry, I just thought like, you know,
what about like a Like a big dog?
You can't give an invisibility cloak
to boy that age.
They're gonna use it for sex stuff.
- You would have?
- Yeah.
Of course, I would have.
Everybody boy would have.
And Harry did, too.
It was just offscreen.
If you wanted to know if it's a big dog,
say is it a big dog?
I'm thinking
of the next question, Sadie.
I already said it's a person.
- So kill Elliot.
- What about Wesley?
Uhh.
I'm gonna marry him just for the money.
OK.
Never having sex with him ever.
And I just don't understand
how a little girl is allowed to have
a dog the size of a house.
And if you read those books,
like, really read them,
you realize that Clifford
is constantly killing people.
Like, his tail is swatting the mailman
300 feet through the air.
Got it. Is it Katherine?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Finally.
- Ah, that is so pathetic.
- Yeah, a little bit.
Oh, it's stopping. It stopped.
- Maybe it's on a timer.
- Thank God.
I've been dying to stretch my legs.
- Ohh.
- Ooh. Phew.
- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- OK, get back, get back.
- Oh, oh.
Get back, get back.
Whew, I guess it's a whole cycle.
So you think
you can just talk the hackers
out of releasing your emails?
Well, I would prefer to pay them,
but I guess I'll just have
to charm them instead.
Trust me, I can schmooze anyone.
- OK, we're on.
- Oh. Hey, there! Hi!
Katherine Hastings, CEO Payne Motors.
- And who do we have here?
- No names.
Anonymous. Very cool.
I like it, yeah. May I call you hacker?
Is that Is hacker an offensive term?
It's probably a badge of honor.
And how would you know that?
It's fine.
- See?
- We have our demands.
Deliver the Bitcoin,
or we leak the data.
Yes, well, I want to pay you,
but we have encountered a slight hiccup
on the legal side.
I don't know
what it's like in your office,
but maybe you have one of those guys
who's like a real by the books
kind of stick in the mud.
You know, really not a team player,
- kinda grates on everyone.
- Ivan.
Yes.
Ugh, exactly, exactly.
I think we're both just gonna
have to work around
our respective Ivans here.
This is a waste of time, all right?
These guys are criminals
or possibly terrorists.
Come on, Elliot.
I mean, you guys
aren't terrorists, right?
We're freedom fighters.
I'm not sure what to do with that one.
You must pay Bitcoin by end of day
or we will send this to everyone.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Everyone, look away!
Why does this exist?
Richard and I were sexting.
Nobody's supposed to see these.
- Katherine.
- Is that Elliot in the back?
I am mid-presentation.
I knew you weren't paying attention.
All right. Nobody look, nobody look!
It's looking right at me.
This is our therapist's fault.
Richard and I were falling apart,
and her only advice is, "keep it spicy."
Your therapist advised full spread?
That is not professional.
You should sue.
God, how could this be happening to me?
Well, we could probably
trace it back to when
you took your undies off at work.
Hey, did you connect
your phone to your work account?
Because then they would have access
to all of your text messages.
Oh, my God. That can happen?
That means they have all the photos.
All the photos?
You mean there's more than what we saw?
That was one of the classier ones.
I'm stressed. Let me hit it.
I gotta go call Richard.
Waffles69. Waffles exclamation point.
OK.
You are not gonna believe
what you just missed.
Katherine sent a nude to her husband
and the hackers got hold of it.
- Oh, cool.
- No, no, no.
They sent it to us.
You can see everything.
- Oh, my
- I feel like
you should be
a lot more excited about this.
I'm trying to remember all the passwords
I've ever used for any account.
Maybe I use one of them for the Bitcoin.
What's "don't go Jason Waterfalls"?
- Uh, the TLC song?
- That's not the line.
I thought it was the line
when I made the password,
or maybe I didn't.
I don't know, man. I'm freaking out.
I probably could get you
a copy of the photo.
That'd be fun, right?
Naked pictures of women.
Wes, now I'm getting concerned.
- Can you actually
- Yep, that's annoying.
- Sorry.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you sure they have all the pictures?
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes.
- What about the kitchen one?
All of them, Richard!
I would never use condiments that way.
I'll fix it. I always fix everything.
- You see what you did?
- I am not enjoying this, OK?
I hate it, all right?
I can feel my hives coming back.
I don't get it. You're usually
such a spineless, weak yes-man.
Yeah, I know, OK?
And that's why every fiber of my being
is screaming at me
to authorize the payments.
I am desperate to obey her, but I can't.
Well, just do it.
Pretend she's the queen or something.
She's not the only victim
in this, all right? OK?
Yes, her genitals
are out in the public sphere,
but so is my face
right next to her genitals.
What are people going to think?
They're gonna be thinking
about her genitals.
- Take it home!
- I see you.
That was quite good.
I think so.
That was the coolest I've ever felt.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, it's snowing.
That is actually really pretty.
Oh, it's kinda it's coming
down pretty hard, though.
- Yeah.
- It's really cold.
- Fast, too.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hypnosis is just about getting you
into a meditative state so
that you can access memories.
Now close your eyes and take in
a nice, deep breath.
Shouldn't you have, like, a pocket watch
or, like, a big spiral thing
that keeps turning?
I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you wanted to be hypnotized
"Looney Tunes" style.
I'm telling you this will work.
In therapy, it helped me
through a lot of stuff.
OK, maybe my mind's not
as weak as yours, though.
- Excuse me?
- I'm not suggestible.
God, I'm not one of those idiots
who can be hypnotized
into clucking like a chicken
- or whatever.
- Mm-hmm, right.
Well, even if I was trying
to get you to make
chicken noises,
they're super hard to make,
so I doubt you could do it anyway.
Not that hard dude. Cluck.
No, I mean like a real chicken
because chickens don't cluck.
They "bock."
OK, fine. "Bock."
No, but they're, like,
much louder and higher pitch.
- "Bock."
- Yeah, but more repetitive.
Oh, and you don't think anybody
- could ever get you to do that?
- No. I don't.
OK. Show me again.
Knock knock.
Oh, Katherine. Hi, come in.
This is your office, huh?
This is the whole
Well, it's nice.
- You've done a nice job with it.
- Thanks.
Look, Katherine,
I can't do what it is you
I consider you a friend, I do.
I mean, I know we have fun
with your accent,
and all that, you know.
Like, what do you call this?
- Oh, that's a soda.
- No, no.
- The material, the can.
- Oh.
- The aluminum.
- Oh yeah.
- Say aluminum.
- Aluminum.
No, not how I would say it.
Say Um, it's fine.
Look, I'm not going
to ask you to do something
you're not comfortable with.
In the end, I respect
whatever you decide.
I am just
I am just asking you as a friend
to please consider doing this for me.
Thank you, and I appreciate that.
And listen, I would love to help
Holy [bleep]! You are worthless.
You are a worthless grub of a man.
Whoa.
Whew. Ugh.
That cold air just pours
right in, doesn't it?
- It's just so poorly made.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought that, like, doing this thing
was gonna make you warmer,
it's making me colder.
You know, on "Naked and Afraid,"
they always kinda, like, hug each other
- for body heat.
- Right.
I wasn't suggesting that we, like
Ooh, yeah, I am down for, like,
- a safety cuddle, if you are.
- You're down?
- Yeah, yeah.
- OK, sweet.
- Bring it in.
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah. That is nice.
Oh.
I am begging you, Elliot.
This will ruin my life, not just my job.
You think Richard is gonna
to stay with me
if I am the reason
that a picture of his penis
with a squiggle of mustard
gets out on the internet?
Why would you take that picture?
We thought it would be sexy.
I mean, it was stupid. It wasn't.
It was humiliating, OK? It wasn't fun.
It wasn't did you know
that mustard stains?
- Surely not forever.
- Did you know that
it stains the skin? I didn't know that.
I swear to God I didn't know that.
Katherine, I'm so sorry,
but you aren't the only one
that's suffering here, right?
I am at war internally between
my abject fealty to you, and
You do this. This is your fault.
- Oh, no, don't!
- Look at that.
- You look at that right now!
- Ow! Please, stop!
That is me as a guidance counselor.
Hey, where do you wanna go to college?
- Oh, this small in here.
- OK, yeah.
- Over your head?
- Is this no
Oh. Is that the horn?
- I think so.
- Oh, my God,
this car is such a piece of crap.
Such a piece of crap.
- Come on over.
- Yeah.
Ow. I hit my head.
- That didn't work.
- OK, OK.
- Can you come here?
- OK, how am I supposed to
- Just come here.
- All right, all right.
- OK.
- I am gonna come over.
- Yeah, yeah. This is
- Ooh, I think the lever
is quite I think the lever
is gonna, yep,
drop like this!
Oh, my God.
Katherine. This is Calvin.
You've been beating me up all day,
so I thought it might be useful for you
to see this sort of low level drone
you'd be relying on for
assistance if I weren't here.
But you said Katherine
wanted to congratulate me
- on the Crystali brief?
- Yes.
And I apologize for bringing you here
under false pretenses
just to humiliate you.
Look, this sort of
credulousness is exactly
the sort of character defect
that I'm trying to make you aware of.
I mean, Calvin here
is mindless no offense.
These underlings, they don't have
the character, the integrity,
or the experience
that I bring to the table.
What are you getting at?
Well, my voice has value,
and I'm drawing a line in the sand.
So if you won't accept my counsel,
I hope you'll accept
my letter of resignation.
- I hope you recognize
- Oh, great, I accept.
You accept? What do you mean?
Wait, what is this?
It's just a random piece
of paper out of my binder.
Where's the letter?
Well, there isn't a letter is there?
It's just supposed to be a bluff
to make you do what I want,
which is, like, be nice to me.
Calvin, are you willing to rubber stamp
a ransom payment to a bunch of hackers?
- Are you telling me I have to?
- Yes.
- OK.
- Well, hang on.
It was just a fake resignation,
so let's not get carried away.
OK. Fine. You're fired.
There. Poof.
What? No, don't poof don't poof me.
This is very serious. Stop.
Calvin, on me.
Let's all let's all
just, you know, rewind.
What's up with this little pork pie hat?
It's a fedora. It's sexy.
He's a little stressed.
He's trying to jog his memory.
You'd be stressed, too, if you were
- close to losing $70 million.
- $70 million?
- You're that rich?
- I'm so stupid.
Why don't I make it something
simple and obvious,
like do not forget this pass phrase.
Oh, my God!
Oh, that's it. That's it.
"Do not forget this pass phrase."
[bleep]
- You tried that one earlier.
- How many guesses is that?
That's nine, so one left.
You know what?
Forget it.
What are you doing?
I'm choosing not to play.
As long as I don't make
any more wrong guesses,
I still have my money.
But you can't access it?
But I still have it.
I have it right here.
What's the point of having money,
Wesley, if you can't spend any?
I said I have it right here.
Looking like an extra from "Goodfellas."
- I told him to get rid of it.
- Don't he look stupid?
So that was, uhh, that was cool.
Yeah, yeah, it was cool.
It was I was gonna say it was cool.
Is that always part
of the vehicle testing?
Ooh, yeah. Yep.
Rain, wind, snow, sex stuff.
That's pretty standard.
Hey.
Hey.
I have some photos for you to look at.
Oh.
Of the car.
How long has she been there?
Jeez, chin up.
You're obviously not fired.
Oh. What about Calvin?
Calvin just put his name on a payment
to a bunch of terrorists.
The guy is radioactive.
Oh.
Look, if I'm being honest, I'm shocked
that you stood up to me,
I'm almost impressed.
Oh, well, yeah, I mean,
you know, on my day,
I can be pretty forceful.
Yeah. Don't ever do it again.
No, no, God, no. I wouldn't dream of it.
- Good.
- Lesson learned.
Oh, hey, Katherine.
What do we got here, some aluminum?
That's crazy. I love that.
Yeah. Great. Great.
Yes! OK.
You're back in the game, E-bomb.
I think we'll be having
a stuffed crust tonight,
yeah, and a fizzy drink.
for our military families.
That's just a quick bite,
and we're out, right?
- Yes.
- Think so.
Yeah.
Great, and then we'll I don't know
We'll lead the veterans
down to the Detroit River,
and we'll just push them under.
Sound like a plan?
Mm-hmm.
So you're pro drowning
America's heroes and their families?
That's a bold take.
Sorry, they're taking
PR photos of the Pika
in the weather testing chamber.
No one's responding to my text
because the service
- sucks down there.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, all hands on deck, then, huh?
Yeah, maybe I should
climb up there myself
and manually boost the signal.
Just gonna give 'em notes in person.
Dory, can we do something
about that incessant ding sound?
Every time some HR drone
sends me a happy hump day meme,
I get a bell in the face.
- So annoying.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm on it. I'll get
something more soothing
- like a like a whale song.
- What is this?
"Payne Motors has been hacked
"$20 million in Bitcoin by end of day
or contents being released."
Is there a hacking meme going around?
I'm Bill. This is Eric.
We're with cybersecurity here at Payne.
Early this morning,
our corporate servers
were indeed accessed
by a team of hackers.
Luckily, the firewalls did
their job and booted them out.
They only got a small amount of data.
Data? Like our like our emails?
Um, hi.
I do this funny thing where I write
playful sarcastic emails about
how awful my coworkers are.
And, again, tongue is firmly
planted in cheek,
but out of context,
it might seem hurtful.
Usually these teams
target customer data.
- Ohh.
- Oh, phew.
Financial info, credit
card numbers, that kinda thing.
Yeah, and certainly,
obviously, we don't want
- to lose any of that.
- I mean, I would prefer
- that it was our data.
- Oh, for sure.
- Given a choice.
- I wish.
So we're gonna have to shut down
the network to do an audit, so internet,
key cards, office computers
will all be offline.
It's a paper and pen day.
Right, well, thank you guys so much.
We really do appreciate it,
your expertise and knowledge.
- Thanks, everyone.
- Hey, we believe in you!
- Do we believe in them?
- No, God.
They don't look right to me.
Too clean cut.
They need to be more punky.
- Yeah.
- Um, nah,
I think that's, like, a movie thing.
Yeah, but the movie people
have done their research.
I mean, it's based on real life.
- Right.
- Exactly, we need
a young chick whose name
is, like, Destiny,
and she's got, like, a spiked collar
and a bunch of, you know,
gross face piercings,
messed up childhood,
so sexually, she's all over the map.
Look, even if the dweebs are right
and the hackers didn't
get anything, you know,
I don't wanna risk it.
Let's just pay the ransom.
I love that idea.
I think that's really great.
It sends a really strong message,
you know, and that message is, you know,
here's the money, just leave us alone.
- Right.
- But isn't paying the hackers
just like rewarding the criminals?
We're the victims here.
However we choose to process
our own trauma is inherently right.
Yeah, because if we don't
get to decide our own fate,
then that's like victimizing us twice.
- Exactly.
- Right.
We don't even really know
if they're criminals.
They could just be
a couple of regular Joes
who are saving up money for a lifesaving
heart transplant for their mum,
you know?
Y'all know that I was
just kidding about writing
the mean emails, right?
'Cause nobody laughed, so I
I didn't know if y'all got it.
Huh. Yeah.
These are Are there any camera tricks
to make it look less
like the weather is winning?
- I could airbrush it.
- Yeah.
Don't be shy with that.
Good idea. Thanks, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up.
I was trying to text you, but there is
- no service down here.
- No.
- Our computers got hacked.
- We got hacked?
- Mm-hmm.
- Like by professional hackers?
I'm not sure if they're professionals
our just, like, really good amateurs,
but I figured you'd want to know.
Yeah, we gotta get back up there.
Yeah, yeah.
What is Why isn't this working?
Right. Uh, the IT guys
said the key cards
would be offline for a while.
Hello?
I don't know why hackers
always want Bitcoin.
If it were me, I would demand cash.
And you'd be a fool because Bitcoin
is far superior to fiat cash.
What the hell is fiat cash?
It's, uh It's cash,
but this is better
because it's decentralized.
Oh, "de" -centralized? Wow, yeah.
Because I always hated
how centralized my money was.
You know what? Look.
Let me show you something.
Don't love where this is going.
So hold on.
So right in this tiny, hard wallet,
I have most of my net worth
converted to crypto.
If the entire financial system crashes,
Wesley's still got his money, honey.
Now what if someone steals that wallet?
- Mm.
- OK. Well there's
a passphrase, and if they
enter the phrase incorrectly
ten times, it locks out forever.
And if I ever want my money,
I just have to type in,
"milk was a bad choice."
Uh, I forgot it was all caps.
"Milk was a bad choice."
Now when you say it locks
forever after ten tries,
- how would you unlock it?
- Well, I mean, you can't.
It would just all get erased.
Because it's decentralized,
that's what makes it so great.
Shh, OK, It's fine. I know it.
And I have eight more tries,
so just relax, guys.
- I wasn't tripping.
- I said relax, guys!
Knock, knock.
Either knock or say "knock knock."
Yes. Good point as ever.
Your mentorship is greatly appreciated.
I just wanted to talk to you
about the hacker ransom.
So, ugh, so annoying.
Turns out we can't pay it.
What? Why not?
Well, it's kind of interesting story.
- You can stand.
- Yeah, OK.
The thing is Payne,
as a Fortune 500 company,
like many others, has a pretty rigid
internal policy
about not paying out ransoms
in cases of digital malfeasance.
- Why would we do that?
- It's a deterrent, you see.
If they think that we can't pay,
you know, then they're not
gonna bother to hack us.
- But they did hack us.
- Yeah, they did.
- So the deterrent didn't work.
- No, no.
Not this time for sure, yeah.
Bit of a hole
in the logic there I suppose.
Great, so now we're stuck trusting
those two bowls of human oatmeal
- to handle the hack for us.
- Yeah, well, you know.
- I mean, hopefully.
- Don't sit.
No. No, I'm not.
Hello?
Hey, maybe we can just pick the lock?
You know how to pick a lock?
I'll google it.
I won't I have no service.
Right. Just call somebody.
No service.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
Well, one of them must open the door.
- It's a big door.
- Oh.
OK. Stop, stop!
- I'm trying to turn it off.
- Please stop!
- Open this door!
- Please stop!
Oh, God!
Hey, team. Just checking in.
We still feeling confident
about everything or
We're still running diagnostics,
but we can confirm
that the network is completely
locked off from the hackers.
And our firewall did an even better job.
They weren't able to access
any customer data whatsoever.
Really? Wow!
Oh, gosh. Man, you guys are impressive.
I guess looks can be deceiving, huh?
What way do you mean?
Anyway, they got nothing?
Well, they actually pulled about
- ten gigs of internal data.
- Internal? Huh, ten gigs?
That is How much is?
"Encanto" is about two gigs
if you pirate it,
more if you want ultra high-def.
Well, you gotta watch it in high-def.
- You do.
- So they got, what,
a few high def "Encantos" of our stuff?
It's actually just your server,
so your emails, instant messages, memos,
all your internal communications.
Oh, so just So just my personal data.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- But the customers are safe.
- Yeah.
Yeah. Exactly.
And that is what is important.
God, what a relief.
What an absolute relief.
I mean, eventually they'll realize
we've been gone too long,
and they'll come
- check on us, right?
- I hope.
They seem pretty distracted
by the IT guys
and how they didn't have
enough piercings.
Yeah, that does sound like us.
I shouldn't have pressed that button.
Playtime is over. I am being decisive.
We gotta pay that ransom.
- Just, you know, we can't.
- Why?
Because of the company policy?
I'm the CEO.
I am the company. So guess what?
- Poof. No more policy.
- Yes, right.
It's just, with all due respect
to the power of poof,
without the shield
of a corporate mandate,
you know, I'm the one that's on the hook
for having authorized the payments.
Right. So, great. You can do it.
Technically I can, but I won't.
What?
Well, what you're really asking me to do
is put my name to a series of payments
to people who, for all we know,
might be terrorists.
We don't know. You know,
I could be breaking any number of laws.
They have all my emails.
Do you realize how bad
that would be if they got out?
I'd be humiliated.
With all due respect to that,
and I don't want you to be
humiliated at all, but equally
on the other side of the coin,
I don't want to go to jail.
So you have to admit that
it is kind of a close call.
Are you really saying
no to me right now?
- Is that what's happening here?
- No.
Apart from that one. It doesn't count.
Look, what I'm trying to say is
Because to be honest, the fact that you
aren't brownnosing me right now,
- it's very, very disorienting.
- I know. I know.
It's weird for me, too.
Retrace your steps mentally.
Where were you when you changed it?
- What were you doing? Who
- Oh, oh,
Fedora. I was wearing a fedora.
- There you go. A fedora?
- Ew.
It's the exact same one
Bruno Mars wears.
First things first, you need
to get rid of that damn hat.
Wait, wait, wait. Bruno Mars.
Bruno. Sacha Baron Cohen.
Oh, my God. I think I remember it.
I like to make sexy time.
- Oh.
- Nice.
Ah.
Oh, uh, my wife likes to make sexy time.
No, It's not "my wife
likes to make sexy time."
Have you even seen the movie?
- OK, Is it a person?
- Yep.
Definitely not an animal.
Wait, that's doesn't count.
- That doesn't count.
- Yes, it does.
So if you go into
the negative on "Jeopardy!",
do you have to pay them?
If you're worried,
I just wouldn't go on the show.
So is it bigger than a dog?
Yes, obviously. It's a person.
Sorry, I just thought like, you know,
what about like a Like a big dog?
You can't give an invisibility cloak
to boy that age.
They're gonna use it for sex stuff.
- You would have?
- Yeah.
Of course, I would have.
Everybody boy would have.
And Harry did, too.
It was just offscreen.
If you wanted to know if it's a big dog,
say is it a big dog?
I'm thinking
of the next question, Sadie.
I already said it's a person.
- So kill Elliot.
- What about Wesley?
Uhh.
I'm gonna marry him just for the money.
OK.
Never having sex with him ever.
And I just don't understand
how a little girl is allowed to have
a dog the size of a house.
And if you read those books,
like, really read them,
you realize that Clifford
is constantly killing people.
Like, his tail is swatting the mailman
300 feet through the air.
Got it. Is it Katherine?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Finally.
- Ah, that is so pathetic.
- Yeah, a little bit.
Oh, it's stopping. It stopped.
- Maybe it's on a timer.
- Thank God.
I've been dying to stretch my legs.
- Ohh.
- Ooh. Phew.
- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- OK, get back, get back.
- Oh, oh.
Get back, get back.
Whew, I guess it's a whole cycle.
So you think
you can just talk the hackers
out of releasing your emails?
Well, I would prefer to pay them,
but I guess I'll just have
to charm them instead.
Trust me, I can schmooze anyone.
- OK, we're on.
- Oh. Hey, there! Hi!
Katherine Hastings, CEO Payne Motors.
- And who do we have here?
- No names.
Anonymous. Very cool.
I like it, yeah. May I call you hacker?
Is that Is hacker an offensive term?
It's probably a badge of honor.
And how would you know that?
It's fine.
- See?
- We have our demands.
Deliver the Bitcoin,
or we leak the data.
Yes, well, I want to pay you,
but we have encountered a slight hiccup
on the legal side.
I don't know
what it's like in your office,
but maybe you have one of those guys
who's like a real by the books
kind of stick in the mud.
You know, really not a team player,
- kinda grates on everyone.
- Ivan.
Yes.
Ugh, exactly, exactly.
I think we're both just gonna
have to work around
our respective Ivans here.
This is a waste of time, all right?
These guys are criminals
or possibly terrorists.
Come on, Elliot.
I mean, you guys
aren't terrorists, right?
We're freedom fighters.
I'm not sure what to do with that one.
You must pay Bitcoin by end of day
or we will send this to everyone.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Everyone, look away!
Why does this exist?
Richard and I were sexting.
Nobody's supposed to see these.
- Katherine.
- Is that Elliot in the back?
I am mid-presentation.
I knew you weren't paying attention.
All right. Nobody look, nobody look!
It's looking right at me.
This is our therapist's fault.
Richard and I were falling apart,
and her only advice is, "keep it spicy."
Your therapist advised full spread?
That is not professional.
You should sue.
God, how could this be happening to me?
Well, we could probably
trace it back to when
you took your undies off at work.
Hey, did you connect
your phone to your work account?
Because then they would have access
to all of your text messages.
Oh, my God. That can happen?
That means they have all the photos.
All the photos?
You mean there's more than what we saw?
That was one of the classier ones.
I'm stressed. Let me hit it.
I gotta go call Richard.
Waffles69. Waffles exclamation point.
OK.
You are not gonna believe
what you just missed.
Katherine sent a nude to her husband
and the hackers got hold of it.
- Oh, cool.
- No, no, no.
They sent it to us.
You can see everything.
- Oh, my
- I feel like
you should be
a lot more excited about this.
I'm trying to remember all the passwords
I've ever used for any account.
Maybe I use one of them for the Bitcoin.
What's "don't go Jason Waterfalls"?
- Uh, the TLC song?
- That's not the line.
I thought it was the line
when I made the password,
or maybe I didn't.
I don't know, man. I'm freaking out.
I probably could get you
a copy of the photo.
That'd be fun, right?
Naked pictures of women.
Wes, now I'm getting concerned.
- Can you actually
- Yep, that's annoying.
- Sorry.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you sure they have all the pictures?
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes.
- What about the kitchen one?
All of them, Richard!
I would never use condiments that way.
I'll fix it. I always fix everything.
- You see what you did?
- I am not enjoying this, OK?
I hate it, all right?
I can feel my hives coming back.
I don't get it. You're usually
such a spineless, weak yes-man.
Yeah, I know, OK?
And that's why every fiber of my being
is screaming at me
to authorize the payments.
I am desperate to obey her, but I can't.
Well, just do it.
Pretend she's the queen or something.
She's not the only victim
in this, all right? OK?
Yes, her genitals
are out in the public sphere,
but so is my face
right next to her genitals.
What are people going to think?
They're gonna be thinking
about her genitals.
- Take it home!
- I see you.
That was quite good.
I think so.
That was the coolest I've ever felt.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, it's snowing.
That is actually really pretty.
Oh, it's kinda it's coming
down pretty hard, though.
- Yeah.
- It's really cold.
- Fast, too.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Hypnosis is just about getting you
into a meditative state so
that you can access memories.
Now close your eyes and take in
a nice, deep breath.
Shouldn't you have, like, a pocket watch
or, like, a big spiral thing
that keeps turning?
I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you wanted to be hypnotized
"Looney Tunes" style.
I'm telling you this will work.
In therapy, it helped me
through a lot of stuff.
OK, maybe my mind's not
as weak as yours, though.
- Excuse me?
- I'm not suggestible.
God, I'm not one of those idiots
who can be hypnotized
into clucking like a chicken
- or whatever.
- Mm-hmm, right.
Well, even if I was trying
to get you to make
chicken noises,
they're super hard to make,
so I doubt you could do it anyway.
Not that hard dude. Cluck.
No, I mean like a real chicken
because chickens don't cluck.
They "bock."
OK, fine. "Bock."
No, but they're, like,
much louder and higher pitch.
- "Bock."
- Yeah, but more repetitive.
Oh, and you don't think anybody
- could ever get you to do that?
- No. I don't.
OK. Show me again.
Knock knock.
Oh, Katherine. Hi, come in.
This is your office, huh?
This is the whole
Well, it's nice.
- You've done a nice job with it.
- Thanks.
Look, Katherine,
I can't do what it is you
I consider you a friend, I do.
I mean, I know we have fun
with your accent,
and all that, you know.
Like, what do you call this?
- Oh, that's a soda.
- No, no.
- The material, the can.
- Oh.
- The aluminum.
- Oh yeah.
- Say aluminum.
- Aluminum.
No, not how I would say it.
Say Um, it's fine.
Look, I'm not going
to ask you to do something
you're not comfortable with.
In the end, I respect
whatever you decide.
I am just
I am just asking you as a friend
to please consider doing this for me.
Thank you, and I appreciate that.
And listen, I would love to help
Holy [bleep]! You are worthless.
You are a worthless grub of a man.
Whoa.
Whew. Ugh.
That cold air just pours
right in, doesn't it?
- It's just so poorly made.
- Mm-hmm.
I thought that, like, doing this thing
was gonna make you warmer,
it's making me colder.
You know, on "Naked and Afraid,"
they always kinda, like, hug each other
- for body heat.
- Right.
I wasn't suggesting that we, like
Ooh, yeah, I am down for, like,
- a safety cuddle, if you are.
- You're down?
- Yeah, yeah.
- OK, sweet.
- Bring it in.
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah. That is nice.
Oh.
I am begging you, Elliot.
This will ruin my life, not just my job.
You think Richard is gonna
to stay with me
if I am the reason
that a picture of his penis
with a squiggle of mustard
gets out on the internet?
Why would you take that picture?
We thought it would be sexy.
I mean, it was stupid. It wasn't.
It was humiliating, OK? It wasn't fun.
It wasn't did you know
that mustard stains?
- Surely not forever.
- Did you know that
it stains the skin? I didn't know that.
I swear to God I didn't know that.
Katherine, I'm so sorry,
but you aren't the only one
that's suffering here, right?
I am at war internally between
my abject fealty to you, and
You do this. This is your fault.
- Oh, no, don't!
- Look at that.
- You look at that right now!
- Ow! Please, stop!
That is me as a guidance counselor.
Hey, where do you wanna go to college?
- Oh, this small in here.
- OK, yeah.
- Over your head?
- Is this no
Oh. Is that the horn?
- I think so.
- Oh, my God,
this car is such a piece of crap.
Such a piece of crap.
- Come on over.
- Yeah.
Ow. I hit my head.
- That didn't work.
- OK, OK.
- Can you come here?
- OK, how am I supposed to
- Just come here.
- All right, all right.
- OK.
- I am gonna come over.
- Yeah, yeah. This is
- Ooh, I think the lever
is quite I think the lever
is gonna, yep,
drop like this!
Oh, my God.
Katherine. This is Calvin.
You've been beating me up all day,
so I thought it might be useful for you
to see this sort of low level drone
you'd be relying on for
assistance if I weren't here.
But you said Katherine
wanted to congratulate me
- on the Crystali brief?
- Yes.
And I apologize for bringing you here
under false pretenses
just to humiliate you.
Look, this sort of
credulousness is exactly
the sort of character defect
that I'm trying to make you aware of.
I mean, Calvin here
is mindless no offense.
These underlings, they don't have
the character, the integrity,
or the experience
that I bring to the table.
What are you getting at?
Well, my voice has value,
and I'm drawing a line in the sand.
So if you won't accept my counsel,
I hope you'll accept
my letter of resignation.
- I hope you recognize
- Oh, great, I accept.
You accept? What do you mean?
Wait, what is this?
It's just a random piece
of paper out of my binder.
Where's the letter?
Well, there isn't a letter is there?
It's just supposed to be a bluff
to make you do what I want,
which is, like, be nice to me.
Calvin, are you willing to rubber stamp
a ransom payment to a bunch of hackers?
- Are you telling me I have to?
- Yes.
- OK.
- Well, hang on.
It was just a fake resignation,
so let's not get carried away.
OK. Fine. You're fired.
There. Poof.
What? No, don't poof don't poof me.
This is very serious. Stop.
Calvin, on me.
Let's all let's all
just, you know, rewind.
What's up with this little pork pie hat?
It's a fedora. It's sexy.
He's a little stressed.
He's trying to jog his memory.
You'd be stressed, too, if you were
- close to losing $70 million.
- $70 million?
- You're that rich?
- I'm so stupid.
Why don't I make it something
simple and obvious,
like do not forget this pass phrase.
Oh, my God!
Oh, that's it. That's it.
"Do not forget this pass phrase."
[bleep]
- You tried that one earlier.
- How many guesses is that?
That's nine, so one left.
You know what?
Forget it.
What are you doing?
I'm choosing not to play.
As long as I don't make
any more wrong guesses,
I still have my money.
But you can't access it?
But I still have it.
I have it right here.
What's the point of having money,
Wesley, if you can't spend any?
I said I have it right here.
Looking like an extra from "Goodfellas."
- I told him to get rid of it.
- Don't he look stupid?
So that was, uhh, that was cool.
Yeah, yeah, it was cool.
It was I was gonna say it was cool.
Is that always part
of the vehicle testing?
Ooh, yeah. Yep.
Rain, wind, snow, sex stuff.
That's pretty standard.
Hey.
Hey.
I have some photos for you to look at.
Oh.
Of the car.
How long has she been there?
Jeez, chin up.
You're obviously not fired.
Oh. What about Calvin?
Calvin just put his name on a payment
to a bunch of terrorists.
The guy is radioactive.
Oh.
Look, if I'm being honest, I'm shocked
that you stood up to me,
I'm almost impressed.
Oh, well, yeah, I mean,
you know, on my day,
I can be pretty forceful.
Yeah. Don't ever do it again.
No, no, God, no. I wouldn't dream of it.
- Good.
- Lesson learned.
Oh, hey, Katherine.
What do we got here, some aluminum?
That's crazy. I love that.
Yeah. Great. Great.
Yes! OK.
You're back in the game, E-bomb.
I think we'll be having
a stuffed crust tonight,
yeah, and a fizzy drink.