Big Mouth (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

1 A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES EARLIER THIS YEAR All right, my lady dudes, time for soccer.
[STEVE WHISTLES.]
[GINA.]
Okay, it's no big deal.
- No one will notice.
- [ANDREW.]
Boobs! - Boobs! - Where did those come from? - Below the neck, above the waist - Boobs! [ANDREW.]
It's definitely them.
[JAY SOFTLY.]
They're looking right at me.
[GRUNTS.]
Jesus.
- So that's how it felt.
- Are you sure I said "boobs"? I could have sworn I said, "Boo, stare at her brain!" No, you said "boobs.
" - Yeah, that does sound more like me.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Going through all that must have been really weird.
Well, I mean, it's not all bad.
Sometimes I even kinda like them.
Sure.
I mean, they're not terrible.
Shut up! [LAUGHS.]
It's really cool that I can talk to you about this stuff.
- Yeah.
- Even though you're like, stupid.
Tell her you're stupid hard! Shh! You're right.
I am stupid Stupid into you.
Aw! That was so corny! I know.
Did it work? It didn't not work.
- Hmm.
- Come here.
She's opening her mouth.
Put your wiener in.
Ooh, it's so slick in there.
Step aside, sugar.
A make-out concerto in full C cup.
[INHALES.]
- [BOTH MOANING.]
- [DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Unh, unh, unh! - Sorry.
Just relax and follow my lead, baby.
Oh, you're a strong mommy.
Oh, I get it.
[HORMONE MONSTRESS CLEARS THROAT.]
Hint, hint.
- Should he choke her? - Not unless he wants to get smacked.
Does he want to get smacked? [MOANING, KISSING.]
Not bad, newbie.
We touched a boob! We touched a boob! [KISSING.]
Oh, you're so fucking hot.
[LICKING, KISSING.]
I want to touch your boobs! I'm going through changes I'm going through changes In my life Oh Missy, please don't go.
But what shall I do? You're married to a deranged woman who is mean to you, but you won't leave her because you're so loyal, [SIGHS.]
and you smell like oak after a storm.
Oh, you are my destiny.
If I can't have you, I'll throw myself from these cliffs dramatically, because I'm sensitive, and I love to travel.
Don't do that! I guess.
I mean, think about it, but don't actually - Whoa! What are you doing? - I'm mounting your horse, so I may gaze straight into your eyes whilst professing my love to you.
Oh darn it, Mr.
Fillion.
I trust you, and you're very sexy.
Oh, Missy, I love your bustle.
It makes you look ravishingly intelligent.
Don't you dare! [MISSY MOANING.]
[WOMAN.]
Missy, are you almost ready, hon? We have to leave for the school sleepover.
- You don't want to be late! - Okay, Mom! Oh, goodness, Wiggles! Darn it.
That was one heck of a worm dance.
I've got full-blown glitter tummy.
Maybe we should do some more tonight.
I've got this idea where you fold me in half Oh, tonight's not good for me.
It's just It's the class sleepover for the lunar eclipse.
I've had it on the books for weeks.
And you're not gonna bring me? I think you're supposed to stay in my room.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- I hope you understand.
Okay, sure.
I'll just stay here with your American Girl doll.
I'm Maddie.
My backstory is that I was a slave.
- Will you brush my hair? - Yeah, we'll have fun.
[WIGGLES GRUNTS.]
Wiggles! You're relentless.
All right, fine.
I'll take you.
What? No, that wasn't me.
I don't know what happened! It's going to be a marvelous night.
Don't you agree, Maddie? All the other dolls get silver shoes.
Not me.
Will you brush my hair? I'm sorry, Maddie, but I do have to go.
I'm the only doll that doesn't come with a birthday.
What this company has done to you is not right.
Will you brush my hair? This sleepover is gonna be so freaking sick.
Check it out.
I brought condoms.
You think you're gonna get laid tonight? - No! - [GRUNTS.]
I'm gonna jack down into these, dudes.
If I was gonna get laid, I wouldn't use a condom.
- I'm not a woman! [LAUGHS.]
- That kid's logic is flawless.
What are you eating? Spaghetti.
I'm carbo-loading.
We've got a marathon ahead of us.
Fifty sweaty kids sleeping over in a funky gym.
Good point.
Give me a bite, sugar.
[SLURPING, MOANING.]
God, how I gonna be able to sleep knowing that Lola is just stomping around.
- You're scared of Lola? - She maimed me.
My mom still has to help me put my pants on.
- And I bet you like that, don't you? - No, that's not his thing.
You keep pushing that and we're not into it.
I don't have a mom pants thing.
Just give the kid a night off.
Give all the kids a night off.
Don't you have a hobby or something? Well, as a matter of fact, I collect vintage Nazi dildos.
- This fucking guy.
- Of course you do.
He figured out a way to ruin dildos.
Nick! Why aren't we talking about anything other than you touching Gina's boobie? Oh, I don't know if I should tell them about that.
What? It's awesome news! There's so much bad news in the news now.
People want good news, like a sweet little boy who touched a boobie and it felt so good! Okay! - [CLEARS THROAT.]
Gentlemen - I'm not a gentleman.
- Fellas - Really? - I hooked up with Gina last night.
- Holy shit! That's good news! - Told ya! - I want details.
Does she still have all her baby teeth? What? Why would I know that? - Did she let you keep any of her teeth? - No! What the hell is wrong with you, you psycho? - How did her teeth taste? - No one wants to hear this, right, Andrew? Oh, sweet Jesse, I'd love to pretend to be the guy that's above all this, but frankly, I'm not.
I need Nick to tell us everything.
- I'm gonna need him to tell real good.
- Ew.
Well, let's just say that I got to second base.
Whoa! She put a finger in your ass? What? No, that's not second base.
What do you think third base is, Jay? - You don't want to know.
- I do! I want to know! Guys, please! Last night, I touched Gina's boob.
- What! - Oh, my.
- Are you kidding? - Oh, my God.
That's even better! Nick, you're a pioneer.
You You climbed Mount Everest.
Boys I made it.
It's It's beautiful up here.
- I wish you could see it.
Over.
- [ANDREW.]
You did it, Nick.
You reached the highest peak in our grade.
Over.
Thank you, Jay.
Where's Andrew? Over.
He didn't make it, Nick.
Over.
You know what, guys? I'm kinda tired of hearing about Gina's boobs.
Jesse, it's not just her boobs.
She's funny and smart and she knows who she is.
Hold on.
Wasn't that your thing, Jesse? Still is, hunch-o.
Yeah, and then she just comes along and is like, "LOL, big boobs.
" Like, come on.
It seems you've been replaced with a better model, not unlike how latex replaced ivory as the material of choice in the dildo industry.
What is he talking about? Ignore him.
He's just trying to sell us Nazi dildos.
Oh, no, I assure you, ladies, they are not for sale.
Okay, everyone, the lunar eclipse is at 11:08 tonight.
In the meantime, why don't you set up your sleeping bags? All right, boys on this side, girls on that side.
And of course, if you're a Transformer, you can sleep wherever you want.
Transformer? Come on, are you not gonna call him out on that? I want to but I'm doing this thing where I'm trying to be nice, like the yellow M&M in those commercials.
- Why? - 'Cause the green one seems like a cunt.
I'm sorry.
I'm working on it.
[LAUGHS.]
Jay, I am so pumped for this sleepover! Yeah, it's gonna be awesome! [IMITATING FART.]
- Fart noises.
- Oh, man.
I can't believe we did it right.
What am I looking at here? It's a best friend hand shake, my dudes.
Wait, you and Coach Steve are best friends? - I mean - Coach Steve Steve? That's my name! Please wear it out.
Interesting.
Has Coach Steve, like, been to your house? - Well - Oh, yeah! 'Cause Jay's house is where Jay's mom lives.
- Wait, what? - Oh, no.
And what did Coach Steve do with your mother? Oh, yes.
He made thick in her warm.
Look, guys, I just help him scrape gum from the bleachers sometimes.
And you know what they say: If it's under the bleacher, give it to your teacher, 'cause he'll chew anything.
- [ANDREW GROANS.]
- [SHAME WIZARD LAUGHING.]
[YAWNING.]
Good lordy, I'm already sleepy.
I think there's enough action in here to keep you going.
- What? - Did you see Andrew's athletic shorts? Did anyone bring an extra Breathe Right Strip? Fingers crossed, the sensitive skin kind? Holy maloley, he can't hide anything in those.
- It's like a grocery bag full of fruit.
- Wow! And a penis.
Wiggles, you better stop it, you naughty little worm.
- Really makes your tummy glitter I bet.
- You forget yourself.
You've gotta go in the bag.
[MOANS, SHIVERS.]
Yes, everybody's got their fun little secrets.
Isn't that right, old timer? I'm not an old timer.
A lot of kids got arthritis.
[LOLA.]
Hey, Andrew! Just like 9-11, I'll never forget, Osama bin Rubbin'.
Boy, that was a walk to get to Osama bin Rubbin', but it works.
- God, I'm afraid of her.
- Oh, you should be afraid! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
I'm just gonna set up right here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna, like, gay you in your sleep or anything.
Why wold you even say that? It is physically impossible to turn another human being into a homosexual.
Uh I'm just joking.
Oh, Mattie, you've gone and made it weird.
[EVIL LAUGHTER.]
Hey, nice Carmen San Diego sleeping bag.
- Actually, it's a knock-off.
- Oh, Miranda San Francisco.
My mom bought it at the 99 cent store - that also sells milk.
- Whoo! - I know, it's super fancy.
- Yeah.
I can't believe we get to sleep next to her! What if it happens again? What if it's under the bra this time? - Dude, you need to calm down.
- But how can I? I know.
How can I? [GINA.]
It turns out, Miranda San Fransisco actually lives in Sacramento.
That's why no one can find her, 'cause nobody wants to go there.
That's one of the best jokes of the school year.
Sacramento can eat its own ass.
- [GROANS.]
Gina can't be that funny, right? - She sucks! That's how funny you get with no boobs.
She's making me feel crazy, like a dirty cat.
[MEOWS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Her hair is, like, not even that shiny.
I know, it's, like, just regular.
I don't even get why Nick likes her.
[SCOFFS.]
Probably 'cause she let him touch her boob.
Um What? Oh, nothing.
I can't believe Gina let him do that.
Well, wait.
Haven't you let DeVon does your boobs? Yeah, but after like 20 make-outs.
- There are rules.
- Who makes the rules? - The prettiest girls in each grade.
- Oh, right.
And now guys are just going to expect it right away and all because of that slut, Gina.
[SHAME WIZARD.]
Ah! The 'S' word.
I thought you were a feminist, and now you're an accessory to slut shaming.
I didn't mean to say anything.
It was an accident.
Was it, though? Hey, Devin, you're not gonna tell anyone what I said, right? Oh my God.
Nick felt up Gina? Oh.
Was I not supposed to tell? No, it's important that people know.
It's not like she, like, rubbed fronts like a good girl.
What a slut.
WHAT A SLU Whoa! Bro, you touched Gina's boobs? I never even got close to her girdle.
- Respect.
- What? Girdle? How did you [CELL PHONE BEEPING.]
Oh, shit.
No, this is what we want.
You're the winner! You're Lil Mr.
Boobie Boy! Here, try that on.
Oh! You look incredible.
- No, I'm not wearing this.
- You don't like it? Hey, Nick, what did they feel like? Guys, I don't know if I should say.
Although if he did say, he'd seem like a real Big Dick Boy, wouldn't he? Go tell them.
Nick, tell them! You know you want to.
Since you guys seem pretty cool, I will say they felt like - the world's most perfect water balloons.
- Whoa! But here's what I wasn't expecting, boys.
They were warm to the touch.
Thank you for the boner.
So, Nick, did you spread 'em? Maybe.
What do you mean? Did you go like this and spread them? You're supposed to try to get them as far away from each other as possible.
Sorry.
I'm pretty sure you don't spread 'em.
- How would you know? - Yeah, Matthew.
Uh, never mind.
There's nothing sadder than the lonely gay kid trying to be one of the boys.
[EVIL LAUGHTER.]
What an evening to be alive! - Oh, no.
- What's wrong? I have to show you something, but you can't be upset.
Okay.
HI, I'M A SLU What the - [BOY 1.]
Gina Alvarez - [GIRL 1.]
She let him what? - Nick touched her boob.
- We are gossiping.
SLU [SHAME WIZARD.]
Everybody knows.
You never should have done it.
You're a slut.
[BOY 2.]
She's a slut.
[SOFTLY.]
I want to talk like this, too.
Hey, where's my sleeping bag? Sleep under the bleachers, You Mike and Ike-eating bitch! My bag! Wait, Mike and Ikes? I've never once even those.
I can't even picture them.
You wish, you movie theater candy-eating nobody! Are they one Is it a bar or is it little bits? Um, what's that duct tape trash bag next to your stuff? Oh, that's my sleeping bag.
It doubles as a car window, so Coach Steve and Jay are now best friends.
I fuck my pillow.
Let's talk about that.
Hmm, we all already know how you fuck pillows.
This is a new and somehow sadder thing.
We are not friends! [SCREAMS.]
That's right, we are best friends.
- No, we're not! - Jay, are you mad at me? Just go away.
Is it because I made thick in your mom's warm? - Steve! - Whoa mama! - Jay's mama.
- Wait a second.
Your mom is the woman that Coach Steve lost his virginity to? It was her warm? [LAUGHS.]
I bet that man baby has a big old horse cock.
The dumb ones pound the hardest.
Jay, let's not forget that you were so lonely, you offered your mother's body in exchange for friendship with this beef-cocked drooler.
Oh, my God, I hate you! You're such an idiot! Well, if you hate me then I hate me too, 'cause we're best friends.
I love you, my dude.
[IMITATING FART.]
Shit! I can't not do the shake.
It's such a good handshake.
All right, everyone.
If you can look up at the sky, there are many constellations visible tonight.
And also, as a teacher who wants to speak, I will say the stars are just like us.
I heard that from the gas pump TV, but don't drink the gas, kids, 'cause it's expensive.
Okay, and also other reasons.
Yeah, 'cause it tastes like a car.
Matthew, we have to gossip about this Gina sitch.
- Pass.
- Relax, queen.
It's just girl talk.
Well, I'm not a girl.
Right, but you're not like a boy.
Jeez.
- You don't fit in anywhere, do you? - Well, that's fine.
I don't wanna fit in.
You know how I can tell when you're lying? - You look fat.
- Oh boy, you're good.
[YAWNING.]
Dude, how are you falling asleep? It's only, like, 9:45.
Yeah, that's late for me.
Once Lester Holt is done with the news, I'm done with my day.
You watch network news? When the internet gets it right for 50 years, I'll turn to them.
Well, why don't you just go in and take a quick nap? - The eclipse isn't for another hour.
- Oh, that's a fine idea.
I don't think Coach Steve will notice anyway.
- Now, if you all take out your telescopes - Steve you'll notice there's a little bit of sand in here.
[SOFTLY.]
That's a wiffle ball bat, not a telescope.
Whoa, stop the clock.
If this is a wiffle ball bat, then what are my sneakers? They're French bread pizzas? Is that why my toes are so gooey? Missy! I'm so glad you're back.
Slide in next to me.
Yeah, but I'm just here for a quick power nap.
[SIGHS.]
- What's wrong? - Now I can't sleep.
A worm dance always helps you sleep.
I think we're only supposed to do that in my bedroom.
Oh, yeah.
Totally.
Is it cool if I just kind of back it up? - Oh, well - It's just so chilly in here and you're so warm.
Well, you're pretty warm, too.
- You feel really, really warm.
- [MOANING.]
Yeah.
The group of stars right above us is called the Sculptor.
Many believe the Sculptor represents Pygmalion from Greek mythology.
That's the history of Greek yogurt starring John Stamos.
No, it isn't.
As the story goes, Pygmalion sculpted a statue made of ivory - [STEVE.]
And ebony.
- and fell in love with it.
- What? - [WOMAN.]
He named it Galatea.
Everyone is talking about you, Gina.
[INDISTINCT WHISPERING.]
She's such a slut.
What did you just say? I said you're a slut.
[GRUNTS, GROANS.]
Fight! - Andrew! You're missing a cat fight.
- Girls, stop it! - Don't worry.
I'll take care of this.
- No, Steve! Oh no! I meant to hit the kids! Look what you've done! Turned girl against girl.
Oh, no! We're a part of the patriarchy.
Hey, girls! Come on! Get off me, slut! [PANTING.]
[CRYING.]
[GRUNTS.]
What happened? I think Lola might have given you a concussion.
How many penises am I holding up? Well, two, but one of them is very Shh! He doesn't know he's different.
I tell him he's special.
Hmm.
[NICK.]
You know who we've all completely overlooked as a romantic partner? - Missy Foreman-Greenwald.
- Huh? [ANDREW.]
I didn't overlook her.
She was mine for a time, but alas, our passion, it ran too hot.
Who could blame you? Everything about her is amazing.
Her face, her leadership skills, her emotional intelligence.
I like how we're both in jazz club together.
Woo-hoo! And she got a body.
[moaning[ [LOLA.]
Oh my God! - Missy's, like, jerking off.
- [GASPS.]
She's such a horny spazz, you guys.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, no! Man, did you see her squirming on that worm? [PURRS.]
Oh, you know it, brother.
I'm sorry did you find this girl's humiliation erotic? No, I just liked seeing her masturbate without her knowing that I was watching.
Oi-va-voy, when you say it out loud Even your Hormone Monster thinks you've gone too far.
- Do you even care about Missy? - Of course I care.
[ANDREW.]
I just liked seeing her masturbate without her knowing that I was watching.
- Oh, that's bad.
- Yeah, indeed.
God, what is wrong with me? [SHAME WIZARD SINGING ON TAPE.]
Take on me Take me - What was that? - Nothing.
It was nothing.
Unless you liked it.
[GINA CRYING.]
Hey, I'm sorry they're all being such dicks.
- Them? What about you? - What do you mean? What do I mean? You told everyone! That was our private moment.
I was excited about it.
Everyone's happy for us.
No, everyone's happy for you, because you're a guy.
You're like Mr.
Big-Shot.
But what am I to everyone? [SIGHS.]
- A slut! - Who cares what they think? I mean, yes, maybe some people are calling me Mr.
Big-Shot, but hey, I'm still just Nick.
- Wow! - What? You are unbelievable! - In a good way or - No! Not in a good way! Gina Oh! You're never gonna get to touch her boobies again.
It's all your fault.
You made me tell everyone.
I'm sorry! - Stop faking it.
- I'm not faking it.
Don't be mad at me! Do this to Gina.
This works.
- No, it doesn't work.
- It doesn't?! Oh Wiggles, I'm so sorry I put you in the middle of this.
Can you forgive me? Wiggles? Wiggles? Oh! He's not going to answer you anymore.
- He's not? - No.
- You killed him.
- What? - Poor Wiggles - Wiggles? Humped to death by a filthy little masturbator.
No! I thought I w I thought I was just worm dancing.
Ah-ah-ah.
That's not true, is it? You knew all along.
Oh, Missy! Someone's having fun.
It tickles my vagina.
Oh, I bet it does.
But let's just keep your worm dances in your room, okay? Those are special between you and him, or her.
It's a him.
I did know.
I've known all along.
Well, I hope it was worth it to you and your vagina.
[EXHALES.]
Hey, I heard what happened with Coach Steve.
Thick in the warm, huh? [SCOFFS.]
- Yikes.
- Fuck you, Matthew! Whoa! I was just going to say if you don't want to sleep on the floor like a vagrant, you can always crash in the Teachers' Lounge with me.
Oh.
Looks like the gay boy thinks he's found another gay boy.
There's so much to unpack with you.
Uh nice try, Matthew, but I'm not gonna let you park your dick inside my dick.
See? Even this stray dog doesn't want your scraps of friendship.
Just accept who you are: [WHISPERS.]
A vicious little queen.
You think I want to hook up with you, - you walking Porta-Potty? - What? - Sleep in hell! - Joke's on you, Matthew! I do sleep in hell! - So is Gina mad? - She's not psyched.
- I'm gonna kill Jay.
- Why? - Because he told everyone.
- Oh yeah, of course.
Andrew's too scared to say anything, and you'd never, like, slut shame a girl.
Right, no.
I wouldn't.
Totally.
You know how I can tell when you're lying? You look like Mitch McConnell.
Shit.
- [EVIL LAUGHTER.]
- [SIGHS.]
Nick, it wasn't Jay.
It was me.
What? So this is all your fault? Dude, you are the one who told us about your stupid tit grab to begin with.
- Because you're my friends.
- Oh, please! You just wanted to brag and feel like a big dick boy.
Yes, because you're a one-pubed wonder.
Well, you only gossip because you're jealous of Gina.
Yes! Because she's not a flat-chested thieving little drug addict.
Jesus.
You know what? Fuck this.
You told your friends all about your sexual conquest because you wanted to feel like a man, didn't you? Yeah, I guess I did.
You pretend to support other women, but as soon as a girl threatened you, you threw her under the bus! Yeah, I guess I did.
Because you're a little dick boy And you're a traitor to your gender! - Why are you so mean? - [LAUGHS.]
Well Tell me how do you think Humankind would look Unrepentant of their every lurid sin Running carefree as you please Tits and willies to the breeze Indulging every hedonistic whim Would you be happier? Maybe yes But heavens what a mess As you lie, cheat, scam and screw That's why I'm here To steer you right And to shine a naked light On all the horrid things you do And fill you with shame Making life just a little bit lame A healthy dose of sweet self loathing Shame This one is embarrassed That his balls have yet to drop And this one is a skeevy little perv This one's going batty 'Cause she split up mom and daddy And it's a punishment She's certain she deserves Let's see, this one's a bed-wetter And that one's a dry humper And this one is a lonely little queer Oh, I hate to be a bummer But, my dear, I've got your number And I'll whisper it forever In your ear Bringing the shame Shame You've got no one But yourself to blame You thought no one was watching But I'm right here in your brain So if you start to burn too hot I'll douse your filthy flame Yeah, I'll come rushing in Like a harsh judgmental friend To twist you from within With glorious shame All right, everybody back inside.
No more songs from floating grandpas about what's happening.
I'm not a floating grandpa.
I'm the Shame Wizard.
Oh, okay.
TO BE CONTINUED Why don't you continue it right now, you lazy piece of shite! [EVIL LAUGHTER.]