Big Nate (2022) s02e08 Episode Script

Oh, hey there, champ.
What'cha working on?
[groans]
This stupid science project.
We have to see what
kind of liquid plants prefer--
soda--
[plant coughs]
Laundry detergent--
[bubbles ripple]
Organic kombucha--
Yeah, I'm so over this.
[wheezes]
Battery acid--
[sizzles]
And water--
turns out it's water.
[burps]
Hey, you wanna go to a movie?
Nope, it's late.
Go pee, poop, and brush.
- It's time for bed.
- Already?
[groans]
This is all Francis' fault.
This is supposed to be
a partner project,
but he just had
to go and get sick.
He even gets
to skip school tomorrow.
Poor Francis won't be
enjoying his day off.
Sick days are never fun.
Well, except
in classic '80s movies
where the kid
is clearly faking it,
but the parents are
inconceivably clueless.
- [laughs]
- Life is never like
the movies.
It's way more boring.
I mean,
nothing crazy ever happens.
Those movies are
totally unrealistic.
Yep, but the hairstyles
are great.
I love a good mullet.
Well, sweet dreams, son.
Hey, why should those
movie kids have all the fun?
Who says Nate Wright can't
take a sick day, '80s style?
Let me think.
I have a social studies test
tomorrow, so--oh, wait.
Dad'll be home.
He's always home!
[groans]
Almost forgot to tell you,
son--
I scored a one-day temp gig
as a mustard jockey
at the hot dog expo.
So I'll be gone
all day tomorrow.
Your old dad is crushing it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you hear that?
No dad, no school,
no responsibilities--
just pure, unadulterated fun.
Yeah!
[upbeat music]
Don't want to go
to school today ♪
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play ♪
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay ♪
Detention again ♪
Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
Math and social studies
just ain't my thing ♪
Big Nate, Big Nate ♪
Rocking with my band
is where I'm king ♪
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Big Nate! ♪
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[peaceful music]
[bird snoring]
[inhales deeply]
[vocalizes trumpet]
Time to get up
and face the day.
[bird screeches]
[groaning dramatically]
Is that you, Pa-pa?
[sniffles]
The light is so very loud.
Oh, buddy, I think you're
coming down with something.
You're covered in spots--
and extremely sticky.
[groans dramatically]
I'll be fine.
I have to get to school.
I have a social studies test today.
[gurgles]
[vomits]
The test can wait.
I'm calling the doctor.
Don't!
I--uh, er--
I just need to rest by myself
for the whole day.
[snickers]
Well, you're 11,
so you probably know best.
Ha ha, blueberry yogurt--
[slurps]
And bubble gum.
Ha ha.
Am I genius, or am I a genius?
Keep this humidifier nearby.
It'll loosen your phlegm.
[weakly] Will do.
[door clicks closed]
Finally the coast is cl--
What was I thinking?
I completely forgot
about Spitsy.
Mr. Eustis asked me
to take him to the vet today.
He's gotta be there by noon
for an important procedure.
[whines and barks]
Did you know that if dogs
don't have their butt glands
expressed, their bottoms
can quite literally explode.
Yeah,
there's no way that's true.
Oh, it is.
Mr. Eustis showed me a--
[gags]
A very graphic video about it.
It's real,
and it's spectacular.
Let's break it down.
Dogs have icky fluid ♪
That can build up
in their bums ♪
Most dogs can release it ♪
But perhaps
your dog is dumb ♪
Don't be nervous, brother ♪
This affects most any mutt ♪
Owner, pay attention ♪
If your dog
scoots on his butt ♪
[dog plane barks]
Chomping on his backside ♪
Is a certain sign
of trouble ♪
Get him to a clinic ♪
If his booty
starts to bubble! ♪
[hip-hop music]
If your pooch's tushy ♪
Starts to smell
like rotten fish ♪
Have your vet give those ♪
Engorged butt glands
a squish ♪
Time is of the essence ♪
If you want
to save your pup ♪
If you fail ♪
His little doggy bottom ♪
Is sure to blow up ♪
[slime squelches]
Ugh,
guess I'll have to tell
the hot dog expo
to find a new mustard jockey.
Can't have
Spitsy's butt exploding.
But hey, now I've got
most of the day free!
I can hang out here all day
and keep an eye
on my sick little budster.
No!
I mean--
[nervously chuckles]
No, no, I'll just
take a little snooze,
and then I can bring Spitsy
to the vet by noon.
Gee, wow, well, if you
think you'd be up for it,
- thanks, Nate.
- No, no, no,
don't--don't mention it.
Have a great long day at work.
Call if you need me.
Ellen will be home early today.
I'll make sure she checks
on you when she comes home.
Great
[rock music]
♪
[chuckles]
♪
[snickers]
Perfect, Ellen won't go
within 10 feet of that mess,
and I'll be off, having
the time of my life, ha ha!
Oh, I'm free!
Oh, yeah!
I'm free ♪
[barks]
Oh, yeah, Spitsy.
- [phone line trills]
- Zeff speaking.
Uh, hey, Zeff,
you remember that time you had
me violate child labor laws
and take your shift
at Scoopsies
so you could hang out
with your, uh, girlfriend
from--
[clears throat]
- Canada?
- [chuckles]
Kelly?
Yeah, she's totally real.
I owe you, little dude.
I need you to take Spitsy
to the vet at noon,
'cause this guy's
got the day off.
Ni-i-i-ice.
I'd did that for my entire
educational career.
I'll swing by for him in five.
[phone beeps]
["Cello Suite No. 1"
by Johann Sebastian Bach]
♪
- Heyo!
- [screams]
[grunts]
Ah!
- Ow.
- Nate!
What are you doing here?
Can't you see I'm convalescing?
[glass shatters]
[screams]
Face it, Francis.
You only got sick
because you work too hard.
You need a day off.
So we're going out on the town,
baby!
What?
No way.
- What if someone sees us?
- Oh, please.
Don't be such a dork.
We have to be in school
for 13 years.
Sixth grade is basically
the middle
of our public school career.
So you know what that means--
it's halftime, baby.
Let's celebrate.
Ooh, hey,
- let's invite Teddy too.
- Teddy is at PS 38--
where you're supposed to be.
Yeah,
I see your mouth moving,
Francis, but I gonna be honest.
All I hear is, "Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Ooben shlooshen,
shleishen, slooshen, yah!"
[phone beeping]
Lookin' sharp, Wesley.
[phone rings]
[screams]
Princi-pal Nichols speaking.
[posh accent]
This Señor Ortiz Senior.
Teddy must be excused
from today's, um,
scholarly proceedings.
He must be released from school
so he can attend
the last minute nuptials
of his aunt.
[grunts]
[normal accent] Dude!
Love is a beautiful thing,
ain't it?
[laughs]
Well, I'll have Teddy's teacher
escort him outside shortly.
Ha ha!
How easy was that?
Put your party pants on, Francis.
We gotta go pick up Teddy.
Were you even listening,
Grandpa?
What are you gonna do when
the teacher
chaperones him outside?
- We'll get busted!
- Ooh, I got it!
Hey, where's your mom
keep her wedding dress?
I love test days ♪
I love seeing
the children fail ♪
[shouts] Where is Nate Wright?
- all: Mm-mm-mm.
- [clears throat]
Hello?
Is this thing on?
- Hello?
- Ugh, what does Nichols want
this time?
To dance the merengue
on the last jagged shards
of my soul, no doubt.
Hello, Wesley.
Happy Monday.
- What do you want?
- Hi, Clara,
Teddy Ortiz needs to be
released from school.
His aunt is getting
married today!
[chuckles]
So exciting.
Please escort Teddy outside
in ten minutes.
Wait, I have an aunt?
Why does nobody tell me
anything in this fami--
oh, oh, no, bet it's
because she's a spy.
[munching]
You know, if I was a woman,
I would totally buy giant bras
and use them as snack holders.
It's so convenient.
Stop moving.
Your bony butt is digging
into my neck!
[munches]
Mmm.
Oh!
Huh, this woman is your aunt?
Oh, yup, that--that
is my favorite aunt!
Um, Mona Lisa.
Well, time for the wedding.
So sorry to miss the test.
Adios!
Hmm
These are the vile remnants
of cheesy snacks--
the preferred snack
of one Nate Wright.
[grunting]
Huh?
Howdy, Clara.
What's shaking?
Nate Wright has gone AWOL.
He was missing from
my classroom on a test day.
Uh, it seems Nate's come down
with a little bug.
His dad called in this morning
to report his absence.
So you're telling me
that Nate Wright
is legitimately sick?
Open your eyes, Wesley!
Nate is playing hooky,
and he's taking Teddy
down with him.
I just know that
that wasn't his aunt.
Are you suggesting
you surrendered Teddy
to someone other than
a designated pickup person?
Clara, we could lose our jobs!
We need to find a taxi
right now!
Where's Galvin?
Come on, you bag of bones,
pick up.
Lederhosen and brussels lace.
Erase, erase,
erase, erase, erase.
Ah
What would you have me do,
Godfrey?
I need to take
the rest of the day off--
with pay
and a raise,
and you're a chicken.
I'm coming for you,
Nate Wright.
[clucks]
Gentlemen, we begin our day
- in style.
- But this is a private club.
Only members
can play golf here.
No worries, Francis.
We're not here to play golf.
Mango papaya juice?
It's on the house.
[all gulping]
- [all sigh]
- [posh accent] Oh, yes.
Thank you, my good man.
Here, buy yourself
something pretty.
[normal accent] Whoo-hoo!
Mango papaya power ♪
[laughter]
[rock music]
- Whoo-hoo!
- Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
[laughter]
♪
[laughter]
Look at you--
dancing in public
with complete strangers,
just like an '80s movie kid!
Told you you needed a day off.
Was I right or was I right?
Fine,
maybe a little bit of fun
won't kill me.
Ooh--
[laughs]
anyone else's pits
getting steamy?
Ha ha, the world
is our kiddie pool today!
Jump on in!
Alley-oop!
[laughter]
Yeah!
I think we're in Shark Week!
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
I'm not usually one
for water sports, but, um,
when in Rome, right guys?
[sharks growl]
[all grunt]
[grunts]
This was a huge mistake.
I knew I should never
have gone out with--
[eagle screeches]
[all screaming]
[eagle squawks]
Gah, where do you think
she's taking us?
Do I look like I know
where eagles hang out?
[dramatic music]
[eagle squawking]
[all grunt]
Uh, I have no clue
what's happening,
but I am so here for it.
You guys, this looks
exactly like my house.
I'm guessing we flew through
and intergalactic vortex
and entered
a parallel dimension.
I mean, that's
the only logical explanation.
[squawking]
Close your eyes ♪
Give me a hint ♪
Oh--
[nervously chuckles]
Thank you.
[whispers] You guys,
she wants to know
if I like her.
- What do I do?
- What's your heart
telling you?
[thud under table]
- Ow!
- Let's get out of here.
Well, thank you
for a lovely time.
[squawking sadly]
But we really must be going.
[nervously chuckles]
[squawking]
[dramatic music]
- [gasps]
- [squawking]
The incompetent PS 38
administration may be blinded
by Nate Wright's
dubious charms,
but not Clara Godfrey.
The shenanigans stop today!
[car thuds]
Huh?
♪
[screams]
[grunting]
Hey, Nate
Good news!
Seems I didn't cut the mustard.
I got fired,
so I'm free to take Spitsy
to the vet.
Ew, smells like
expired blue cheese in here.
Still not feeling so good, buddy?
Yikes.
You're breathing like a bulldog
with hay fever.
Let ol' dad feel your forehead.
[rope snaps]
[grunting]
Oh, no!
Nate, wake up!
Help!
[all scream]
[squawks]
[whimpers]
[squawks]
[whimpering]
[crying]
[squawks]
Well, that escalated quickly.
Come on.
Let's go find some pizza.
- I'm starving.
- Okay.
[suspicious music]
♪
[dentures squelch]
♪
[phone rings]
- [phone beeps]
- Hello?
[squawking]
Francis Pope did what?
- [squawking]
- After you saved his life?
- [squawking]
- I mean, relationships
should always be reciprocal.
So yes, Francis
was well within
his rights to decline,
but you're right.
He didn't have to be
- a jerk about it.
- [squawking]
Wait a minute.
Was here there alone?
- [squawks]
- Surprise, surprise.
I'm gonna need their
last known coordinates, stat!
Everything 'za
with extra everything.
Thanks, Zeff.
Hey, Spitsy do okay at the vet?
Ah, didn't have chance
to bring him in just yet,
but it's on the schedge.
Zeff!
It's almost noon!
He's gotta get over there
right away.
- Where is he?
- He's out back,
enjoying some aire libre.
This little doggy's booty was
blowing up like a beach ball--
should probably
get that checked out, man.
[both gasp]
[shoes squeal]
- Ah!
- He escaped!
I would never paint that dog
as smart enough to pull off
a vanishing act.
That's magician level three, man.
Why would I trust
Spitsy to Zeff?
What was I thinking?
There's no time to freak out, Nate.
It's almost noon.
You've gotta go find Spitsy.
[panting]
[all gasp]
Going somewhere?
Well, well,
and again, I say well.
Just as I suspected--
Nate Wright is up to no good.
I'm only moderately surprised
he dragged you into his
nefarious antics, Teddy.
But you, Francis?
Clearly, his influence
over you children
is growing too powerful.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Godfrey,
but I have to go.
I'll explain later--
You take one step
away from me,
and I'll see you
in summer school.
I teach every class.
Some things are more
important than my freedom.
I'll see you in summer school.
[grunts]
I know that boy's a menace,
but I never thought
he was this stupid.
Actually, he's trying
to save Spitsy's butt.
Yeah, it's about to explode
if Nate can't find him
and take him to the vet.
The vet?
Wait, are you telling me
there's a cat in danger?
Oh, no, he's a dog
that Nate really loves.
Huh, a dog,
not as noble and beguiling
a creature as a cat,
but an animal needs help!
Don't just stand there,
you imbeciles!
We have to find Spitsy!
[wailing incoherently]
[rock music]
Yeah.
My son!
He was just a boy!
Spitsy!
Any doggy here see Spitsy?
Spitsy!
So what does
this Spitsy look like?
He's basically
a satellite dish with fur.
Ugh, he could be
anywhere by now.
What's the tallest building
in Rackleff?
We need an eagle-eye view
of the whole town.
An eagle-eye view?
[laughs]
I know how we can
get one of those,
but it will require
a bit of sacrifice from you, heartbreaker.
Spitsy!
Oh, no,
I'm running out of time.
I have to get Spitsy
to the vet right now.
Spitsy!
[toilet flushes]
Spitsy.
[groans]
Spitsy!
Spitsy?
Spitsy!
[grunts]
Spitsy!
[crying]
Spitsy, you lovable dimwit!
[crying]
I've destroyed my best friend!
Who's a good boy?
That's right.
You're a good boy!
- [whimpers]
- [gasps]
No!
Don't have to tell you ♪
[whimpers]
Spitsy!
Precious heart ♪
- [laughs]
- [croaks]
[farts]
[all barking]
I was standing ♪
["Never Tear Us Apart"
by INXS]
- Spitsy!
- [squawks and screeches]
[rock music]
♪
[screams]
- 'Sup.
- [squawks]
[laughter]
[squawking]
Oh, you like my glasses?
Thanks.
Your, um, your braces
are really cool.
[squawking]
Especially since eagles
don't have teeth.
I learned that
in my favorite book,
"The Story That Would
Never Stop Ending."
[gasps and squawks]
Turn around ♪
You've read it too?
[squawking]
See ♪
In her face ♪
Yeah!
[laughs]
[clucking]
both: Make believe
I'm everywhere ♪
Hey, that's him!
That's Spitsy!
Has he been in my yard
this whole time?
both: Written on the pages ♪
Is the answer ♪
[squawks]
Thanks, Falcora!
See you at Mahjong Monday!
Spitsy!
Quick, what time is it?
11:58 Eastern Standard.
Gah!
There's no way we'll make it
to the vet by noon.
Hey, do you think we can do
his butt thing ourselves?
Expressing butt glands
isn't brain surgery.
In fact,
it's basically the opposite
of brain surgery,
but it's a perilous procedure.
Some dogs' glands detonate
with a force so magnificent
that many a brave
veterinarians perished.
As much as I love animals--
and again,
I prefer cats to dogs--
I heart cats,
but dogs are great too--
I'm not sure we can risk it.
Well, I'm not letting
Spitsy down again.
- [panting]
- I owe it to him to try.
[crying]
[gasps]
[dramatic music]
Wow, I'm an '80s movie dad.
[butt rumbles]
♪
[grunts]
Ooh.
To the left.
[butt squelching]
Now lower.
Now gently palpate.
Compress.
[butt squeaks]
Release.
- [farts]
- Up, down, up, down,
- up, down.
- [gasps]
[grunts]
Now count to three,
and give a light tap.
One, two, three.
Teddy, clear!
He's gonna blow!
[butt rumbling]
[farts]
[panting]
[laughs]
That was way less cool
than I was hoping it'd be.
You impressed me today, Nate.
- Hmm?
- You were selfless.
You put the interests
of another considerably
greater creature
above your own self-interest.
So, uh, no summer school?
No, no.
Thanks to your heroics
and my dawning realization
that I don't wish to spend
all summer with you,
I am reducing your sentence.
All right!
Three weeks detention,
starting tomorrow.
I'll be bringing
Mr. Squigglewhiskers.
He's got some swelling
in his rear
I'm gonna need you
to deal with.
- [squawking]
- [laughs]
Did you know that, uh--
[clears throat]
Lovebirds mate for life?
- [squawks]
- I agree.
[whispers] It's so romantic.
[squawks]
The mirror
of your dreams ♪
[all chirping]