Bizaardvark (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys! Paige and Frankie here with a Bizaardvark Challenge, featuring a special guest: my dad.
Hello.
(laughing) I'm so excited, I'm finally in a video.
Yeah.
He's been asking me for two months.
We are here to do the Egghead Challenge.
I have got a dozen eggs.
Half of them are hard-boiled and half of them are raw.
Now Frankie and her dad are gonna take turns choosing eggs and cracking them on their heads.
Hopefully, the ones that they chose are hard-boiled.
What? I-I thought you guys made music videos.
No, we're gonna We'll put music over this later.
- Go! Your turn first.
- Go ahead.
- No, please.
- No, no, go ahead.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, here we go, and (all scream) (distorted screaming) - It's all over your - You're up.
Your turn! - Now, your turn.
- No, I don't have to go.
- You already lost, right? - It's your turn.
No.
No, no, no.
You've got - No cheating! - Stop, I'm not! I can look at the egg! - That's cheating! - It's cool time, let's go.
- Ha! - Oh! - Here we go.
- Okay.
- Oh! (laughing) - Oh! Why? Why? Why? Why? It's like it's on this side! - Okay, okay - You have such bad luck! - Just, come on.
- No, this is a yolk.
- It didn't break.
- You have to hit it harder! - Oh! You are such a cheater! - Oh! What It didn't break on my head.
No! Paige! (screaming, laughing) - Woo! - Oh! Finally! Yes! Hard-boiled.
- Hard-boiled.
- How do you It's like it cooks on her head.
- (grumbles) - (laughs) - Hey! Yes! - Oh! Okay.
- Come on, Frankie.
- This is the one! - Nope! - Ohh! - I'm so good at this! - How are you so lucky? - Here we go.
- Okay, round five.
(all screaming) All right, come on.
- (Paige screams) - Yes! Yes! (distorted): It's finally got her! So disgusting! How am I gonna get this out? - No! - We have one more for someone else here.
- (screams) - Yes! Yes! (distorted scream) - (screaming) - Aww.
Bizaardvark.
Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
The beauty of "Romeo and Juliet" lies in the symbolism and the metaphors used to Okay, who's bored? All right, let's make Shakespeare more fun.
Okay? I need two people up here to act out the death scene.
Both: Ooh! Get up here, ladies.
All right, here's your fake poison and your fake poison.
And die! (gagging) - Ohh! - Ohh! (theatrical wailing) Bravo, ladies! (school bell rings) All right, see you tomorrow, everyone.
Hey, you want to finish your dad's video during lunch? It's so cool he asked us to help him make one - for his online dating profile.
- Totally.
I'm so happy he wants to start dating again.
You know, last night I walked in on him dancing with a lamp.
Frankie (narrating video): In a land where loneliness reigns supreme, only one man can save love.
Hi, ladies.
I'm Dr.
Douglas Wong.
Isn't it time to stop dating a zero (echoing screams) and get with Dr.
Hero? Message me, unless you can't handle being with a guy this fly.
Dog lovers preferred! - Nailed it.
- Love is easy.
(screams) This pain is unbearable! It's a nightmare that will not end! Dirk? You okay? Yeah.
Just having some minor back issues.
Do you want to talk about it? Nah.
Nothing that can't wait until tomorrow.
All right, well, good night.
(screams) End it now! My body's on fire! You know what? I'm up.
What's going on? I think my back hurts from sleeping on your floor the last few months.
Well, what are we gonna do? We can't get a new floor, and you can't get a new back.
Those are clearly the only two options.
Hey! Since you live here now, why don't we just get a bunk bed? Bern-Man, that's a great idea! I'll sleep peacefully tonight knowing we solved that problem.
Ahh! It's like a lightning storm in my body! (screams) Paige/Frankie (over video): Dr.
Hero, he's a hero doctor He still has most of his hair - I don't know, uh - Dad.
Every second your profile doesn't have a video on it is one more second no one's gonna contact you.
(computer chimes) Someone just messaged you.
First of all, burn.
Second, what did she say? - "Hi.
" - Ohh! Do I just write back "hi"? Both: No! You've got to be more real, like, uh, "I'm a doctor.
I make honey money.
" No, that's not how you do it.
You have to ask a question about her.
Okay, got it.
"You ever seen a dead body?" Why would you send that? It's called small talk, Paige.
I'll fix this.
If you could be any animal, would you be a sea otter? - Again with the sea otters? - Well, you never want to talk about them.
Oh, she's writing back.
"I'm more of a flamingo, and yes, one time in a dumpster.
" Okay, red flag.
I do not like flamingos.
Okay, this has been fun.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go test this in the garage.
(door closes) Ohh, I think your dad needs to meet someone in person.
Ohh, yeah.
Ooh, what about back-to-school night? There's gonna be single moms there, plus, my dad's already going.
That's perfect.
(music playing) We're just gonna ignore what's going on - in your garage, right? - Yeah, 100 percent.
Just picked up the latest issue of Fun Bed magazine.
I really should renew my subscription.
Now, more than ever, it's important to be informed.
Remember, we're looking for something cool, but also practical.
Obviously.
We're two grown men.
Whoa, a hamburger bed! I can wear my red pajamas and be the ketchup.
(gasping) Oh, my.
She's glorious! Both: Yacht Bed! Bernie: Two mattress decks, a video game center, satellite TV.
Surround sound speaker system.
A mini fridge.
(Dirk gasps) A giant horn! She's the one.
Pricey, but you pay for luxury.
We're gonna have to tap into some of your DareMeBro money.
Uh what DareMeBro money? Your channel has millions of viewers.
You must bring in tons of cash.
I do, but I spend it all on my videos.
I mean, my cannon budget alone is a hundred grand.
And then there's that guy in Indiana who dares me to send him 500 bucks a week! Yeah, yeah.
I get how business works.
Look, if we're gonna buy this yacht bed, we're gonna have to find another way to get the money.
I got it! We'll check the couch cushions for spare change! (yawning) He's my hero.
Frankie, I appreciate it, but I don't think back-to-school night is a place for me to meet someone.
Oh, totally, Dad.
I get it.
Wow, Dr.
Wong! Tell me more about how you like to take women you just met on luxurious vacations.
Frankie! I need to talk to you.
Excuse me.
I don't really need to talk to you, I just can't keep lying to Connor's mom that her kid has a future.
(laughing) Oh, Dad, this is my teacher, Ms.
Bates.
Uh, spoiler alert, I'm a mediocre student and there is room for improvement.
Have at it.
Hey! Okay.
I've been scouting all the moms, and I'm leaning towards Sky's mom, the hair stylist.
This doesn't just happen, you know.
You know what, I like the way you think.
Just because we're setting up my dad, doesn't mean we can't get something out of it.
Who else is there? Hmm.
Oh, what about Tara's mom? I hear she's a lot mellower since she got out of prison.
You know what, I just heard myself say it.
Forget it.
Ooh.
What about Heather? Doesn't her mom smell like soup? Heather has a car.
Don't we all smell like soup? Oh, Dad, I have someone I want you to meet.
How do you feel about minestrone? Actually, I already met someone.
Ms.
Bates and I totally hit it off.
We're thinking about grabbing coffee.
- Oh.
- If that's okay with you.
- Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Great.
I'll go tell her it's a date.
You were right, Frankie.
This was the perfect place to meet someone.
What the heck just happened? My dad's going on a date with our teacher? - Hey, guys! I'm Paige.
- I'm Frankie.
Both: And we're Bizaardvark.
We're here with Dirk and Bernie to do the "Don't Laugh" Challenge.
(laughs) - (buzzer sounds) - Oh, no, this is gonna be hard.
Do you like my hair? (Frankie laughs) This act is dead.
This act is dead.
(buzzer sounds) (blows whistle) Get it? 'Cause I'm small and the whistle's big.
(buzzer sounds) (Southern accent) Hi My name's Fred.
You like me? (laughs) - I don't like you, Fred.
- She won.
(buzzer sounds) (laughs) - (laughs) - You lost.
You lost.
How you doing? - (laughs) - Dirk: Yes! (pops lips) - (pops lips) - (laughs) Paige: Oh! (buzzer sounds) - Bernie: I think you lost.
- Dirk: Did I? I did not laugh.
- They went out again last night? - It's been three dates! She's been to my house.
She has a first name.
It's Dana! Are we even allowed to know that? I just don't want anyone else to know about them.
I just want my school to be my school and my home to be my home.
It's starting to mess with my head.
All right, class, instead of studying The Scarlett Letter, I've written a book of my own called A Romantic Evening With Frankie's Dad.
Twenty-six chapters, excruciating detail.
(screams) Um Don't mind Frankie.
She just got this weird cough that's going around.
(screams) (hacking cough) So.
Okay, time for a quick writing assignment.
Write about other romantic dates Frankie's dad and I could go on, and please incorporate the following words or phrases.
"Snuggles.
" "Kissing.
" "Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah No.
No more "mwah, mwah"! Uh Yes, Frankie, No More Mwah Mwah.
That is actually the original title of The Scarlett Letter.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Moving on.
can anyone tell me what letter Hester Prynne wore on her dress? An "A.
" That's correct.
And "A" is also the key we'll be singing in (music plays) School and home, school and home Everywhere Ms.
Bates will roam Tests in bed, dad at school It's the end of being cool No, no! Stop singing! Stop singing! Stop singing! Stop si Uh Nope, sorry.
I can't go with you on that one.
(school bell rings) Frankie? - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.
I'm I'm good.
Well if you ever want to chat, we can talk here or we can talk at your house.
I'm always around.
So, Mr.
Schotz and Mr.
MeBro, you're looking to borrow money from our bank so you can buy a yacht? Correct.
We currently have a small ship.
But if we don't make this upgrade, I don't think I'll be able to sleep at night.
Great.
So, how often do you plan on using this yacht? Oh, at least eight hours a day.
Plus, weekend naps, and obviously the occasional pretend time with pirate attacks, mermaids, and what have you.
I see.
And what interest rate were you thinking about? Oh.
Our interest rate is very high.
I need to stop sleeping on the floor as soon as possible.
Gentlemen, do you happen to have a picture of this yacht that you're hoping to purchase? Yeah.
Oh, I see what's going on.
You two are idiots.
You saw the giant horn, right? We're done here.
And, uh, just out of morbid curiosity, what's in the briefcase? We're making tacos later.
Five dates, Paige.
They've been on five dates.
- I know this is awkward for you.
- Everyone knows.
The entire school.
I mean, look at them.
They're all making fun of me.
I really think this is all in your head.
I mean, how would anybody even know that your dad and Ms.
Bates are together? (wedding march plays) And now, in front of all the popular kids, who determine who's cool and who gets made fun of I now pronounce you, teacher and dad.
You may now laugh at Frankie.
(all laughing) No! I object! I object! That's it.
I can't take this anymore.
(sighs) - Frankie, what are you doing? - I need to break them up.
What? How? I'm gonna snoop around her desk until I find something that will make my dad want to end things with her.
Frankie, this is crazy.
We can't just look through a teacher's C minus! I worked hard on this! What kind of monster is she? Ms.
Bates: I'll be right there.
I just left something in my classroom.
(gasps) Ms.
Bates! Hide! Hide better! (cell phone ringing) Hi, there, Max.
(mouthing) I can't wait for our date tonight, either.
Just the two of us at Lombardo's.
I love you too, baby.
(kisses) She's cheating on your dad! No.
She's cheating on my dad.
Okay, I feel like we said the same words, but you said them wrong.
This is exactly what I need to break them up.
We'll just We'll go to Lombardo's tonight, film Ms.
Bates with this Max guy and show it to my dad.
Yeah! I can't wait to go in there and give that two-timing cheat a piece of my mind! - You're just gonna do the filming.
- Oh, thank goodness.
All right, we just need to find Ms.
Bates, film her with this Max guy and prove to my dad she's a liar.
(gasps) There she is.
I don't know why I gasped.
We knew she'd be here.
And that must be Max.
Hey, what a small world.
Oh-h-h-h-h! Drop the act, Dana! Yeah, that's right.
I know your first name.
I know it, too! But I'm still gonna call you Ms.
Bates because that's more appropriate.
We know you're cheating on my dad, and now we have proof! What? Cheating teacher.
Is there anything sicker? Yeah, and you can tell that slimeball Max, I don't like his stupid face.
Why doesn't she like my face, Mommy? Frankie, Paige, this is my son, Max.
- Hello.
- A pleasure.
This is Max's favorite restaurant.
So, wait.
Who Who was the guy in the suit who kissed your cheek? The owner, and an old friend.
Ohh.
Well, I'm so glad this is all in my head.
No? Okay.
Run.
Run! Bernie: Welcome to The DareMeBro Workout video.
Now available for only $19.
99 99.
Starring Dirk "Dare Me Bro" Mann.
- (neighs) - Horse Face Guy.
Disco Chef! Girl from the Bad Timing Channel.
And me, Bern Our first DareMeBro exercise is great for your back and core.
It's called "Cannonball Avoiding.
" Pay careful attention to my form.
(loud boom) (clattering) And you're gonna want to do about 50 of those a day! (cannon fire) I can't believe this video hasn't made us any money yet.
Is it possible that not as many people have access to cannons as we thought? Nah, dude.
People have cannons! I don't understand.
Who wouldn't want to buy this? It's a great value at $19.
99 (under his breath) 99.
This is so frustrating.
We need that yacht bed.
Why is finding money so hard? (grunts) Your walls are filled with money? Yeah.
It gets chilly in here and money makes the best insulation.
All of our problems are solved! Oww! Hi, Dad.
Hi, Dr.
Wong.
Hi, Douglas.
I took bread from the restaurant.
Dana, we should probably talk.
Frankie, I'll deal with you later.
Girls, would you mind keeping an eye on Max for a moment? - No problem.
- I'm not great with kids, but you Okay.
So, Max you like dinosaurs? Yeah.
I like the blue ones, the ones with scales, and there's this one in a movie that flies.
Look what you've started.
My mom gave me this robot and it's not even my birthday.
She's been pretty happy lately.
Maybe it's because of your dad.
You're right.
I guess my dad has been pretty happy lately, too.
Dad, can I talk to you for a second? Come on, Max, we should probably go.
No, I want you to hear this, too.
And Paige, you can also stay.
Never planned on leaving.
Dad, I messed up.
It's just, you dating Ms.
Bates has been hard for me, but, I mean, seeing you two just now, I realize I've only been thinking about how this is affecting me, not how happy this is making you.
I'm sorry.
To you, too, Ms.
Bates.
Thanks, Frankie.
Thanks, kiddo.
And I'm sorry I haven't been checking in with you more.
This is new to me, too.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
Sorry we couldn't afford the bed.
Aw.
Come on, Bern-Man.
You couldn't have known that you were gonna break all 27 bones in your hand.
Or that the doctor would charge you extra because he didn't like you.
Well, what are we gonna do about your back? You still have to sleep on the ground.
Luckily, we still had enough money left to buy these noise-canceling headphones.
- Good night, Bern-Man! - Good night, Dirk! (screams) It's like I'm sleeping on razors! Bernie! Help me! (screaming)