Black Dynamite (2009) s02e08 Episode Script
'Diff'rent Folks, Same Strokes' or 'The Hunger Pang Games'
Now you know it takes more than just layin' there, goin' "[Bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
to me.
[Bleep.]
[bleep.]
to me.
[Bleep.]
[bleep.]
" You got to really sell that trick! Otherwise, he might [bleep.]
on your [bleep.]
but he ain't [bleep.]
[bleep.]
y'all know! [chuckles.]
Arnold, I can't believe you asked Euphoria to be - our parent for career day.
- Well, like Black Dynamite always says, "A ho mama's better than no mama.
" And for this [bleep.]
demonstration, I'll need a paying volunteer.
You, sir.
Always make sure you spit out your gum first.
[Spits.]
Okay.
Thank you, miss Euphoria.
That that's enough.
Uh, officer Paysinger, um, this would be a nice segue into showing the kids how you arrest someone.
Aw, hell, naw! What I did in the back seat of your squad car in the school parking lot should have been more than enough to cover my bail! Dynamite! Dynamite! [sighs.]
[title music.]
He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! Bullhorn: This week Kiss my ass, mother[bleep.]
special rate I only give to the fuzz.
The civilian sloppy garfield is double that price! - Euphoria, can we just go? - Not until I [bleep.]
us up the cab fare home! Hey, Perry Mason [chuckles.]
- There a closet around here? - So, boys, I guess having a prostitute for a mother can kind of suck.
Yeah, it kind of sucks.
[Bleep.]
lickety splits, Annie Oakleys you name it, these hos [bleep.]
Hey, I'm Arnold, and this is my brother, Willis.
- Who are you? - Oh, how rude of me.
I'm, uh, Mr.
Philip Drummond.
So, do they always bring - their work home, Arnold? - Yeah, if you want to call - a whorephanage a home.
- Whorephange, you say? Is that right? Well, that sounds just dandy! Hey [bleep.]
you want to stop running your damn mouth? You know Black Dynamite tell us to shut the [bleep.]
up when grown folks is talkin', especially about his business.
If the whores are doing their business in my bed, - then it's my business, too.
- Don't you think it's strange this [bleep.]
is here on career day and ain't got no child at this school? I don't trust this [bleep.]
You know, boys, I was thinking I could give you all a ride home in my fancy limo and you could show me - the lay of the land.
- Limo? Ohh! [Bleep.]
I can lay you in any land you want Thailand, Finland, Disneyland.
Ha! Let's go.
[Children shouting playfully.]
I'm so sorry.
Hold up a minute.
Ladies, we got company, and by "company," I mean a rich white trick with a telephone in his limo! Honey Bee: Good afternoon, sir, and welcome to your paradise.
We got 'em in every shape, size, color, and freaky as they want to be.
We clean, discreet, and we fully integrated.
This is Connie Lingus, and - that's - Oh, yes.
These whores are lovely, but I'm more interested in a tour of the facilities, if you don't mind.
Honey Bee: Tour?! This ain't Universal Studios! What you think you on an ass safari? [Laughing.]
Oh! One ass safari coming right up.
Hey, little orphan Arnold, why don't you be my - ass-safari guide? - Uh Behind the doors of this house of ill repute is where - all the magic happens.
- Honey Bee: Wait! No, no, no! Look up in the sky.
It's a bird.
It's a plane.
- Yeah, fatback - Honey Bee: Yeah, but you got to pay extra for magic, though.
Spider webs ain't cheap.
[Snap!.]
Ugh! Aah! My bad, Fatback Taffy.
Uh, sorry, - Councilman McCracken.
- Fatback Taffy she's quite a webslinger! Ohh! We used to keep our toys in the toy box, but, uh, you can see - the whores got their own toys.
- Honey Bee: Arnold, remember what I told you sharing is caring.
And here's the perpetually understocked kitchen, where there's never enough food to satisfy a little - orphan's big appetite.
- Honey Bee: Well, that's because you ate the whole damn kitchen for breakfast.
Now all we got left is titty milk.
Titty milk? Arnold, do you like titty milk? Nah, not personally.
It's too warm and tastes like baby powder, and I always had trouble latching on.
Well, boys, I think I've seen all I need to see.
I guess I'll be going now.
- Boys, bitches, bye.
- Honey Bee: Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, no! I didn't get to tell you about our PTA special [Bleep.]
tits and ass! It's the number-5 combo - on our menu! - B.
D.
: Smells like dirty - money and honky in here.
- Honey Bee: Yeah, well, there was a rich honky trick here, but the orphans ran him off.
I love these little mother[bleep.]
but sometimes they're bad for business, Black Dynamite.
Arnold, I know there's a lot of [bleep.]
going on around here, - but at least we got a [bleep.]
home.
- Remember after mom and dad died? - We didn't even have that.
- A whorehouse is not a home, Willis, and between all the [bleep.]
that goes on around this place, nobody has room for us.
- I'm tired of living here! - # Da-da-da da-da-da-da # super [bleep.]
[zoom!.]
Hey, you know a bitch too big to be leapin' from the dresser.
You gonna start paying extra for all this role-playing [bleep.]
Hey, little orphan Arnold.
Hey, little orphan Willis.
Sorry I destroyed y'all's room again.
I reiterate a whorehouse is not a home.
[vehicle approaches, tires screech.]
Violation 91 unsanitary recreational facilities.
Violation 92 serving titty milk warmer than room temperature.
You have violations violating your violations! And your 93rd violation, and most heinous, is city ordinance code 227, which stipulates that a whorehouse and an orphanage cannot exist in the same dwelling all tight, all close up and near together.
Of course, I could be persuaded to overlook some of these violations if you'd be willing to oh, I don't know bend me over the couch and [bleep.]
me in the ass.
Cream Corn: Aah! First of all, "hell.
" Second of all, "nah.
" Third of all, "hell nah!" - Suit yourself.
- Cream Corn: Oh, no! It says we got to shut down, as of now?! That's right, hot buns! Either shut down the whorehouse and toss these hos on the street or lose the orphans.
- You got to pick one or the other.
- B.
D.
: Now, you wait a minute, child protective services bitch! Now, nobody separates Black Dynamite's whores from his orphans.
- Can you dig it? - Oh, yeah? And what you gonna do about it, Black Dynamite? - You gonna hit an old lady? - B.
D.
: Suey! Hold on, Black Dynamite.
Before you [bleep.]
up that child protective service bitch, I think I may be of some help.
Honey Bee: It's the rich white trick that smells like - money and honky! - Being a wealthy white man, you see, I have many wealthy white friends that are all willing and waiting to adopt every single orphan you - have right now, on the spot.
- B.
D.
: What you talkin' - 'bout, Mr.
Drummond? - I mean, that is what this place is for, right? I assume you do want to find - a nice, safe home for these orphans.
- B.
D.
: Hell, no! I mean, yes.
I mean, why the [bleep.]
would a bunch of wealthy honkies want to adopt a whorehouseful of orphans? I'm just doing what any benevolent white multimillionaire would do for ghetto chaps living - in a house of, uh, ill repute.
- You hear that?! We're getting adopted! This is our big break, Willis! [bleep.]
calm down and stop acting all gay.
Somethin' ain't right about this Mr.
Drummond.
His strokes just seem different.
[breathing heavily.]
- I'm ready! Where's the car?! - As you and I both know, Black Dynamite, these orphans are hungry for a better life.
B.
D.
: No dice, Father Flanagan.
These orphans ain't going nowhere.
I'm afraid you have no choice, Mr.
Dynamite! Bullhorn: Man, these orpheens are 'bout to go from Black Dynamite's dirty ho house of [bleep.]
to livin' in - a mansion with Daddy Warbucks! - Cream Corn: I mean, it's been so long since one of our orphans has been adopted.
Has one of our orphans ever been adopted? B.
D.
: It's just hard for Black Dynamite not to think about himself, especially when he's the only one doin' the thinkin'.
Child services bitch, I'm sorry that the love I have for these orphans almost made me kick a hole through your throat, but first I'ma need to approve where these missionary honkies are taking them.
I simply cannot fathom a more loving and positive environment than this.
I mean, really how much better could this place be? ["Diff'rent strokes" theme music plays.]
Oh, man! [music continues.]
[elevator bell dings.]
Children: Wow! [video games beeping.]
Cream Corn: Wow! Mr.
Drummond is like a real-life Daddy Warbucks, with way more bucks! B.
D.
: Hmph.
He ain't got shit on Willy Wonka.
Cream Corn: Hey! Pony time! - Giddyup! Oh, ho, ho! - Look, Willis ponies! Aw, man.
It's just a ass with a saddle, and an ass don't make a home either, Arnold! Cream Corn: Shit! The hell it don't.
I ain't never going back to the whorephanage! [children laughing.]
Uh, Mr.
Drummond, what's wrong with this bed? There's no rusty springs - stickin' out of it? - No need for a tetanus shot - before bedtime here, Arnold.
- Look! The sheets don't have [bleep.]
spots [sniffs.]
and ain't no [bleep.]
on the spread! Shh! Listen, everybody! You can't hear not one [bleep.]
- We can finally sleep at night! - That's right, kids No sounds of whores here.
[children cheer.]
Anyone feeling hungry? [children shouting excitedly.]
B.
D.
: Still ain't got shit on the chocolate factory.
Goodbye, my beloved orphans.
May your little lives be wonderful from this day forward.
My fondest memories will always remain [burps.]
Here, Willis.
You better get some of this sock-it-to me cake.
I'd rather eat sugar smacks and [bleep.]
milk.
Honey Bee: Bye-bye, babies.
I'm gonna miss each and every - one of you like my own childrens! Ohhh! - Bullhorn: Man, I don't know if these orphans could turn their backs on us any faster, but one thing's for certain they sure are some selfish little bastards! Dynamite! Dynamite! Cream Corn: Wow! Talk about riding in class! They got a limo to take us back to the whorephanage! [laughs.]
B.
D.
: You know, I-I think - I'm gonna walk home.
- Honey Bee: Are you sure, Black Dynamite? - But it's 70 miles.
- B.
D.
: Yeah.
Riding in this limo is just gonna remind Black Dynamite of the time he rode in this limo - to drop his orphans off for good.
- Honey Bee: Have a nice walk! Cream Corn: Catch you later, Black Dynamite! Honey Bee: They got a bidet in here.
[melancholy jazz music plays.]
_ [indistinct conversations, up-tempo music playing.]
B.
D.
: No, these [bleep.]
didn't.
But somethin' tells me these [bleep.]
did.
Cream Corn: Hey, Black Dynamite! You like the orphans' going-away party?! B.
D.
: You're supposed to have a going-away party before they go away! And why the [bleep.]
is Black Dynamite the only one that's sad that they're gone?! Honey Bee: No, no, Black Dynamite! We're sad that they're gone, too! But we are happy the mother[bleep.]
ain't here! - We needed a break! - Cream Corn: Yeah! We got a limited time before we get some new orphans, so we might as well cut loose now! B.
D.
: Damn it, Cream Corn! They took our license! - We can't get any more! - Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, it's been so long since I could do my thang and let my mother[bleep.]
thang swing-a-lang! [laughs.]
B.
D.
: Suey! [thud.]
Dynamite! Dynamite! Arnold.
Arnold.
[humming.]
Arnold, wake up! Man, look at you.
Your greedy ass fell asleep in the jello.
[bleep.]
you could have died.
Then why'd you wake me up, Willis? That's a great way to go.
Ooh! It's got to be - time for breakfast.
- All right.
Now, which one of these doors is the kitchen? Uh, hello! Does anybody got some [gasps.]
[electricity buzzes.]
Ah! There you are, Mr.
Drummond! When we gonna eat again? It's been so long, my hunger - pains got hunger pains.
- Well, boys, sometimes appetites can be pretty painful.
But not to worry your Appetites are going to get you everything you ever wanted.
What you talkin' 'bout, Mr.
Drummond? [snaps fingers.]
Huh?! [cheers and applause.]
Now, we've had cockfights, dogfights, and every kind of thrill that bored rich white people could think of.
And now, just when you thought there were no thrills left, we put orphan against orphan in a struggle to the death for sustenance! I bring you Hunger Pang Games! [cheers and applause.]
You kids have tasted the good life.
Now, if you want to eat at all, you'll have to fight for your lives, because there can be only one survivor! - What the? - Kill and you live and eat in luxury.
Lose and, well, you die.
[cheers and applause.]
Man, that movie was some bull [bleep.]
Can we watch "Willie Dynamite"? Oh, this is no movie, little orphan Terrio.
This is your new life I mean, if you know how to kill.
- Oh, I know how to kill 'em.
- Ooh.
Ooh.
Kill him.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Kill him.
Ooh! Ooh! Ahh! Hah! [laughs evilly.]
[children gasp.]
Ooh! Killed him! [laughs evilly.]
B.
D.
: Man, maybe Black Dynamite should try spending some time with a few of these kids that do have parents to temporarily fill the void in his heart.
- # Who can make a whorehouse # - B.
D.
: Hey, kids! I got some candy! Can I play with you? [children scream.]
[groans.]
put 'em both together, make a whorephanage for you? - # Black Dynamite # - # Black Dynamite # - # oh, Black Dynamite can # - # Black Dynamite can # - B.
D.
: Suey! - Excuse me, Mr.
Man! Woman: Get out of there! You're a grown man! - Whack! Whack! - B.
D.
: Suey, suey! [children shout playfully.]
who can throw a boomerang - # who can throw a boomerang # - Is that the same man? Guys, get over here! Get over here before I smack you! B.
D.
: Suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! B.
D.
: And that's why I don't [bleep.]
with parented kids! When you successfully kill, a cannon will sound and you will come back here to eat your reward meal.
- Wow! - Then the last child left is the victor, and that child will live and eat forever in luxury! To hell with that! We'd rather eat sugar smacks and [bleep.]
milk than kill our fellow orphans! - Right, Arnold?! - Uh - Arnold? - Uh Uh Huh? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Just like you said We ain't doin' that.
Ooh.
- Is that a sock-it-to-me cake? - Arnold, snap out of it! Willis, if we win the Hunger Pang Games, we can live the lavish life I always wanted.
I mean, we haven't known the other orphans that long, so you can't be too attached.
Arnold, your Hunger Pangs have drove your - little ass insane! - Let the Hunger Pang Games begin! [cheers and applause.]
[gun cocks.]
[gasps.]
[breathing heavily.]
What the? Man, I'm so hungry.
I don't know what came over me! [stomach growls.]
Little orphan Arnold, stop acting like a little bitch and grab them mother[bleep.]
40 ounces and sock it to 'em so we can eat some sock-it-to-me! Sock-it-to-me cake? Little orphan Arnold loves - sock-it-to-me cake! - Man, Arnold.
Dudley went crazy and almost killed me down there! I'm sorry, Willis, but it's time to say goodbye.
What you talkin' 'bout, Arnold? Kill his ass, little orphan Arnold! This mother[bleep.]
just don't want you to eat! Snap out of it! It's me your brother, Willis! To be honest, I don't even think he's your real brother! I don't want to hurt you, Arnold.
Now stop! [grunts.]
Aaaah! B.
D.
: Okay, y'all.
We need to come up with a new Business model that's gonna replace the "phanage" in "whorephanage.
" Any ideas? - Cream Corn: Ooh, I know! - Alright, Cream Corn, what you got? How 'bout a Whorespital? It's a whorehouse and a hospital in one! Dr.
Dynamite! Dr.
Dynamite! Uh, Frank the John here somehow got a gerbil stuck up his ass, and you are the physician - on duty, right? - B.
D.
: Oh, hell, no.
- We ain't doin' that.
- Bullhorn: Oh.
Now here's an idea I love, but I can't court in marriage.
We can put us some hos on horseback, and we can - call it Whores 'n Carriage! - Yeah.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Yeah, ride that.
Yeah, daddy.
Giddyup.
Faster! Fas Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - Not you! Wait, horses, wait! - B.
D.
: Hmm.
Honey Bee: I got it! [mid -tempo funk music plays.]
[indistinct conversations, laughter.]
hey now, we may not get to turn tricks but let me say it's better than suckin' a B.
D.
: I don't know you all.
It just ain't the same.
Without the orphans, this whorephange, no matter what we call it, is just some brick and mortar with a whole lot of hoing going down.
Maybe if Black Dynamite was more like Mr.
Drummond, none of - this would be happening.
- Cream Corn: Yeah, you should be a little bit more like Mr.
Drummond.
Honey Bee: No, it's my fault, Black Dynamite.
They were way too old to be drinkin' titty milk.
Bullhorn: I ain't gonna lie! It sure felt good to let my nuts hang, but I'd give every hangin' nut sac back to see those orpheens again! [whimpering.]
- Black Dynamite.
- B.
D.
: Nooo! [echoing.]
Little orphan, uh - Dudley.
- B.
D.
: Yeah, little orphan Dudley.
What has happened to you, and why are you not at Mr.
Drummond's, living in the lap of luxury? [wheezes, coughs.]
- Hun gry.
- B.
D.
: But how? How can you be hungry you, whose every appetite should be satisfied? Mr.
Drummond and his honky friends make us fight - each other for scrimps! - B.
D.
: # Du-du-dun # Not for scrimps! I knew it! I'm gonna make these jive suckers pay for this if it's the last thing I do! Honey Bee: But, Black Dynamite, that skyscraper's at least 50 floors of rich white honky tricks.
How are our black asses gonna get in there undetected? [coughs.]
Black Dynamite, is there - crustaceans in heaven? - B.
D.
: Of course not, and what kind of stupid [bleep.]
question is that - to waste your last breath on? - [gasps.]
I'm dead.
B.
D.
: [echoing.]
Nooooooo! Dynamite! Dynamite! [cheers and applause.]
Hmm.
Mmm.
Huh? Ugh! Uh [cheers and applause.]
I can't do it! I won't kill my baby brother over a piece of cake! [crying.]
[spectators booing.]
Aha.
[Whip! Clank!.]
[laughs evilly.]
[cheers and applause.]
So, this is it, huh? Huh?! This is all my life is worth, Arnold a sock-it-to-me cake?! Well, then, sock it to me, Arnold! - I hope you're hungry! - It's not just the cake.
It's for the salmon, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, chitterlings, and the ribs that come right off the bone! Don't be a little bitch, little orphan Arnold! Finish him and feast like a king! That man just called you a bitch.
Don't be no pussy, little orphan Arnold! Kill him! Did you see them mother[bleep.]
mustard greens? Whoo! Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, are you sure this is gonna work? B.
D.
: Hmph.
Is a pig's [bleep.]
still pork? Just follow my lead.
Oh, good evening, my fellow rich honky comrades.
Are you here to watch the innocent kidnapped negro children slaughter each other for food, which is really a commentary on the plight of the urban negro at large? B.
D.
: Uh, yeah.
Abso-positively correcta-mundo supercalifragili Oh [bleep.]
it! Suey! Hyah! Hyah! [groaning.]
B.
D.
: Suey! Damn! Black mother[bleep.]
Dynamite! B.
D.
: Mr.
Drummond, I may not feed these orphans lobster, shrimp, or even tuna fish, which is way too expensive at $1 a can, but what we do feed them is love and a little bit of titty milk.
And no matter how hungry they get, we would never make them kill each over that titty milk, - because when you have love - Uh, hello? I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt your heartfelt [bleep.]
milk speech, but Arnold's about to shoot a missile in my ass over some mustard greens! B.
D.
: Oh.
Uh, well, a house is not a home, and a whorephanage is something like a house, or a whorehouse is not a god damn it! I had it before I came over here.
Aw [bleep.]
it! Suey! [cheers and applause.]
Don't take another step, Black Dynamite, or little orphan Willis here will be going to a place where they won't have crustaceans.
So, if I were you, I'd Aaaah! Little orphan Arnold, you ain't shit.
Ooh, kill him.
[beeps.]
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-h! [children cheering.]
Dudley? What the hell? [bleep.]
we thought you was dead.
B.
D.
: Yeah.
I just watched you waste your last breath on a stupid [bleep.]
question.
Man, turns out I was just in a sugar coma from all the sock-it-to-me cake.
But the hos gave me some [bleep.]
milk.
Now I'm back to my old self.
[children cheering.]
Hey, Willis.
I'm sorry that I temporarily lost my natural black mind.
You know I wouldn't have killed you over no sock-it-to-me cake.
But if it was two sock-it-to-me cakes, I would have killed your ass! [laughs.]
- I ain't lying! - Yeah.
Sure, you weren't.
But what I do know is I'm ready to get a doggy bag and get up out of here! Ha! You ain't got to tell me! I'm already on it.
- B.
D.
: Let's go home, y'all.
- Honey Bee: Uh, y'all know that child protective services bitch ain't gonna let us bring the orphans back without getting [bleep.]
in the ass.
[mid-tempo funk music plays.]
B.
D.
: All right, y'all.
After this last wash, we're shutting down the whorewash.
Cream Corn: What last wash, Black Dynamite? And why am I the only one wearing this t-shirt? [tires screeching.]
I'll have the deluxe package [chuckles.]
ooh, with the undercarriage spray.
- Drip, drip, drip.
- B.
D.
: Cream Corn, you got to take one for the team, or two or three - whatever's on special.
- Cream Corn: What?! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't ask me about my specials.
Don't ask me about my specials! I ain't got no specials, girl! Dynamite! Dynamite! [music.]
# This is how we paid our bills # we clean your car with them good titties on the windshield - # jerkin' at the # - # whorewash # - # jerkin' at the # - # whorewash, yeah # come on and sing it with me - # whorewash # - # whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh # - # jerkin' at the # - # whorewash, yeah #
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
[bleep.]
to me.
[Bleep.]
[bleep.]
to me.
[Bleep.]
[bleep.]
" You got to really sell that trick! Otherwise, he might [bleep.]
on your [bleep.]
but he ain't [bleep.]
[bleep.]
y'all know! [chuckles.]
Arnold, I can't believe you asked Euphoria to be - our parent for career day.
- Well, like Black Dynamite always says, "A ho mama's better than no mama.
" And for this [bleep.]
demonstration, I'll need a paying volunteer.
You, sir.
Always make sure you spit out your gum first.
[Spits.]
Okay.
Thank you, miss Euphoria.
That that's enough.
Uh, officer Paysinger, um, this would be a nice segue into showing the kids how you arrest someone.
Aw, hell, naw! What I did in the back seat of your squad car in the school parking lot should have been more than enough to cover my bail! Dynamite! Dynamite! [sighs.]
[title music.]
He's Dynamite So Dynamite Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhh, aaahhh He's Dynamite Dy-no, Dy-no Ooohhh, ooohhh Ooohhhh Dynamite! Dynamite! Bullhorn: This week Kiss my ass, mother[bleep.]
special rate I only give to the fuzz.
The civilian sloppy garfield is double that price! - Euphoria, can we just go? - Not until I [bleep.]
us up the cab fare home! Hey, Perry Mason [chuckles.]
- There a closet around here? - So, boys, I guess having a prostitute for a mother can kind of suck.
Yeah, it kind of sucks.
[Bleep.]
lickety splits, Annie Oakleys you name it, these hos [bleep.]
Hey, I'm Arnold, and this is my brother, Willis.
- Who are you? - Oh, how rude of me.
I'm, uh, Mr.
Philip Drummond.
So, do they always bring - their work home, Arnold? - Yeah, if you want to call - a whorephanage a home.
- Whorephange, you say? Is that right? Well, that sounds just dandy! Hey [bleep.]
you want to stop running your damn mouth? You know Black Dynamite tell us to shut the [bleep.]
up when grown folks is talkin', especially about his business.
If the whores are doing their business in my bed, - then it's my business, too.
- Don't you think it's strange this [bleep.]
is here on career day and ain't got no child at this school? I don't trust this [bleep.]
You know, boys, I was thinking I could give you all a ride home in my fancy limo and you could show me - the lay of the land.
- Limo? Ohh! [Bleep.]
I can lay you in any land you want Thailand, Finland, Disneyland.
Ha! Let's go.
[Children shouting playfully.]
I'm so sorry.
Hold up a minute.
Ladies, we got company, and by "company," I mean a rich white trick with a telephone in his limo! Honey Bee: Good afternoon, sir, and welcome to your paradise.
We got 'em in every shape, size, color, and freaky as they want to be.
We clean, discreet, and we fully integrated.
This is Connie Lingus, and - that's - Oh, yes.
These whores are lovely, but I'm more interested in a tour of the facilities, if you don't mind.
Honey Bee: Tour?! This ain't Universal Studios! What you think you on an ass safari? [Laughing.]
Oh! One ass safari coming right up.
Hey, little orphan Arnold, why don't you be my - ass-safari guide? - Uh Behind the doors of this house of ill repute is where - all the magic happens.
- Honey Bee: Wait! No, no, no! Look up in the sky.
It's a bird.
It's a plane.
- Yeah, fatback - Honey Bee: Yeah, but you got to pay extra for magic, though.
Spider webs ain't cheap.
[Snap!.]
Ugh! Aah! My bad, Fatback Taffy.
Uh, sorry, - Councilman McCracken.
- Fatback Taffy she's quite a webslinger! Ohh! We used to keep our toys in the toy box, but, uh, you can see - the whores got their own toys.
- Honey Bee: Arnold, remember what I told you sharing is caring.
And here's the perpetually understocked kitchen, where there's never enough food to satisfy a little - orphan's big appetite.
- Honey Bee: Well, that's because you ate the whole damn kitchen for breakfast.
Now all we got left is titty milk.
Titty milk? Arnold, do you like titty milk? Nah, not personally.
It's too warm and tastes like baby powder, and I always had trouble latching on.
Well, boys, I think I've seen all I need to see.
I guess I'll be going now.
- Boys, bitches, bye.
- Honey Bee: Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, no! I didn't get to tell you about our PTA special [Bleep.]
tits and ass! It's the number-5 combo - on our menu! - B.
D.
: Smells like dirty - money and honky in here.
- Honey Bee: Yeah, well, there was a rich honky trick here, but the orphans ran him off.
I love these little mother[bleep.]
but sometimes they're bad for business, Black Dynamite.
Arnold, I know there's a lot of [bleep.]
going on around here, - but at least we got a [bleep.]
home.
- Remember after mom and dad died? - We didn't even have that.
- A whorehouse is not a home, Willis, and between all the [bleep.]
that goes on around this place, nobody has room for us.
- I'm tired of living here! - # Da-da-da da-da-da-da # super [bleep.]
[zoom!.]
Hey, you know a bitch too big to be leapin' from the dresser.
You gonna start paying extra for all this role-playing [bleep.]
Hey, little orphan Arnold.
Hey, little orphan Willis.
Sorry I destroyed y'all's room again.
I reiterate a whorehouse is not a home.
[vehicle approaches, tires screech.]
Violation 91 unsanitary recreational facilities.
Violation 92 serving titty milk warmer than room temperature.
You have violations violating your violations! And your 93rd violation, and most heinous, is city ordinance code 227, which stipulates that a whorehouse and an orphanage cannot exist in the same dwelling all tight, all close up and near together.
Of course, I could be persuaded to overlook some of these violations if you'd be willing to oh, I don't know bend me over the couch and [bleep.]
me in the ass.
Cream Corn: Aah! First of all, "hell.
" Second of all, "nah.
" Third of all, "hell nah!" - Suit yourself.
- Cream Corn: Oh, no! It says we got to shut down, as of now?! That's right, hot buns! Either shut down the whorehouse and toss these hos on the street or lose the orphans.
- You got to pick one or the other.
- B.
D.
: Now, you wait a minute, child protective services bitch! Now, nobody separates Black Dynamite's whores from his orphans.
- Can you dig it? - Oh, yeah? And what you gonna do about it, Black Dynamite? - You gonna hit an old lady? - B.
D.
: Suey! Hold on, Black Dynamite.
Before you [bleep.]
up that child protective service bitch, I think I may be of some help.
Honey Bee: It's the rich white trick that smells like - money and honky! - Being a wealthy white man, you see, I have many wealthy white friends that are all willing and waiting to adopt every single orphan you - have right now, on the spot.
- B.
D.
: What you talkin' - 'bout, Mr.
Drummond? - I mean, that is what this place is for, right? I assume you do want to find - a nice, safe home for these orphans.
- B.
D.
: Hell, no! I mean, yes.
I mean, why the [bleep.]
would a bunch of wealthy honkies want to adopt a whorehouseful of orphans? I'm just doing what any benevolent white multimillionaire would do for ghetto chaps living - in a house of, uh, ill repute.
- You hear that?! We're getting adopted! This is our big break, Willis! [bleep.]
calm down and stop acting all gay.
Somethin' ain't right about this Mr.
Drummond.
His strokes just seem different.
[breathing heavily.]
- I'm ready! Where's the car?! - As you and I both know, Black Dynamite, these orphans are hungry for a better life.
B.
D.
: No dice, Father Flanagan.
These orphans ain't going nowhere.
I'm afraid you have no choice, Mr.
Dynamite! Bullhorn: Man, these orpheens are 'bout to go from Black Dynamite's dirty ho house of [bleep.]
to livin' in - a mansion with Daddy Warbucks! - Cream Corn: I mean, it's been so long since one of our orphans has been adopted.
Has one of our orphans ever been adopted? B.
D.
: It's just hard for Black Dynamite not to think about himself, especially when he's the only one doin' the thinkin'.
Child services bitch, I'm sorry that the love I have for these orphans almost made me kick a hole through your throat, but first I'ma need to approve where these missionary honkies are taking them.
I simply cannot fathom a more loving and positive environment than this.
I mean, really how much better could this place be? ["Diff'rent strokes" theme music plays.]
Oh, man! [music continues.]
[elevator bell dings.]
Children: Wow! [video games beeping.]
Cream Corn: Wow! Mr.
Drummond is like a real-life Daddy Warbucks, with way more bucks! B.
D.
: Hmph.
He ain't got shit on Willy Wonka.
Cream Corn: Hey! Pony time! - Giddyup! Oh, ho, ho! - Look, Willis ponies! Aw, man.
It's just a ass with a saddle, and an ass don't make a home either, Arnold! Cream Corn: Shit! The hell it don't.
I ain't never going back to the whorephanage! [children laughing.]
Uh, Mr.
Drummond, what's wrong with this bed? There's no rusty springs - stickin' out of it? - No need for a tetanus shot - before bedtime here, Arnold.
- Look! The sheets don't have [bleep.]
spots [sniffs.]
and ain't no [bleep.]
on the spread! Shh! Listen, everybody! You can't hear not one [bleep.]
- We can finally sleep at night! - That's right, kids No sounds of whores here.
[children cheer.]
Anyone feeling hungry? [children shouting excitedly.]
B.
D.
: Still ain't got shit on the chocolate factory.
Goodbye, my beloved orphans.
May your little lives be wonderful from this day forward.
My fondest memories will always remain [burps.]
Here, Willis.
You better get some of this sock-it-to me cake.
I'd rather eat sugar smacks and [bleep.]
milk.
Honey Bee: Bye-bye, babies.
I'm gonna miss each and every - one of you like my own childrens! Ohhh! - Bullhorn: Man, I don't know if these orphans could turn their backs on us any faster, but one thing's for certain they sure are some selfish little bastards! Dynamite! Dynamite! Cream Corn: Wow! Talk about riding in class! They got a limo to take us back to the whorephanage! [laughs.]
B.
D.
: You know, I-I think - I'm gonna walk home.
- Honey Bee: Are you sure, Black Dynamite? - But it's 70 miles.
- B.
D.
: Yeah.
Riding in this limo is just gonna remind Black Dynamite of the time he rode in this limo - to drop his orphans off for good.
- Honey Bee: Have a nice walk! Cream Corn: Catch you later, Black Dynamite! Honey Bee: They got a bidet in here.
[melancholy jazz music plays.]
_ [indistinct conversations, up-tempo music playing.]
B.
D.
: No, these [bleep.]
didn't.
But somethin' tells me these [bleep.]
did.
Cream Corn: Hey, Black Dynamite! You like the orphans' going-away party?! B.
D.
: You're supposed to have a going-away party before they go away! And why the [bleep.]
is Black Dynamite the only one that's sad that they're gone?! Honey Bee: No, no, Black Dynamite! We're sad that they're gone, too! But we are happy the mother[bleep.]
ain't here! - We needed a break! - Cream Corn: Yeah! We got a limited time before we get some new orphans, so we might as well cut loose now! B.
D.
: Damn it, Cream Corn! They took our license! - We can't get any more! - Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, it's been so long since I could do my thang and let my mother[bleep.]
thang swing-a-lang! [laughs.]
B.
D.
: Suey! [thud.]
Dynamite! Dynamite! Arnold.
Arnold.
[humming.]
Arnold, wake up! Man, look at you.
Your greedy ass fell asleep in the jello.
[bleep.]
you could have died.
Then why'd you wake me up, Willis? That's a great way to go.
Ooh! It's got to be - time for breakfast.
- All right.
Now, which one of these doors is the kitchen? Uh, hello! Does anybody got some [gasps.]
[electricity buzzes.]
Ah! There you are, Mr.
Drummond! When we gonna eat again? It's been so long, my hunger - pains got hunger pains.
- Well, boys, sometimes appetites can be pretty painful.
But not to worry your Appetites are going to get you everything you ever wanted.
What you talkin' 'bout, Mr.
Drummond? [snaps fingers.]
Huh?! [cheers and applause.]
Now, we've had cockfights, dogfights, and every kind of thrill that bored rich white people could think of.
And now, just when you thought there were no thrills left, we put orphan against orphan in a struggle to the death for sustenance! I bring you Hunger Pang Games! [cheers and applause.]
You kids have tasted the good life.
Now, if you want to eat at all, you'll have to fight for your lives, because there can be only one survivor! - What the? - Kill and you live and eat in luxury.
Lose and, well, you die.
[cheers and applause.]
Man, that movie was some bull [bleep.]
Can we watch "Willie Dynamite"? Oh, this is no movie, little orphan Terrio.
This is your new life I mean, if you know how to kill.
- Oh, I know how to kill 'em.
- Ooh.
Ooh.
Kill him.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Kill him.
Ooh! Ooh! Ahh! Hah! [laughs evilly.]
[children gasp.]
Ooh! Killed him! [laughs evilly.]
B.
D.
: Man, maybe Black Dynamite should try spending some time with a few of these kids that do have parents to temporarily fill the void in his heart.
- # Who can make a whorehouse # - B.
D.
: Hey, kids! I got some candy! Can I play with you? [children scream.]
[groans.]
put 'em both together, make a whorephanage for you? - # Black Dynamite # - # Black Dynamite # - # oh, Black Dynamite can # - # Black Dynamite can # - B.
D.
: Suey! - Excuse me, Mr.
Man! Woman: Get out of there! You're a grown man! - Whack! Whack! - B.
D.
: Suey, suey! [children shout playfully.]
who can throw a boomerang - # who can throw a boomerang # - Is that the same man? Guys, get over here! Get over here before I smack you! B.
D.
: Suey! Dynamite! Dynamite! B.
D.
: And that's why I don't [bleep.]
with parented kids! When you successfully kill, a cannon will sound and you will come back here to eat your reward meal.
- Wow! - Then the last child left is the victor, and that child will live and eat forever in luxury! To hell with that! We'd rather eat sugar smacks and [bleep.]
milk than kill our fellow orphans! - Right, Arnold?! - Uh - Arnold? - Uh Uh Huh? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Just like you said We ain't doin' that.
Ooh.
- Is that a sock-it-to-me cake? - Arnold, snap out of it! Willis, if we win the Hunger Pang Games, we can live the lavish life I always wanted.
I mean, we haven't known the other orphans that long, so you can't be too attached.
Arnold, your Hunger Pangs have drove your - little ass insane! - Let the Hunger Pang Games begin! [cheers and applause.]
[gun cocks.]
[gasps.]
[breathing heavily.]
What the? Man, I'm so hungry.
I don't know what came over me! [stomach growls.]
Little orphan Arnold, stop acting like a little bitch and grab them mother[bleep.]
40 ounces and sock it to 'em so we can eat some sock-it-to-me! Sock-it-to-me cake? Little orphan Arnold loves - sock-it-to-me cake! - Man, Arnold.
Dudley went crazy and almost killed me down there! I'm sorry, Willis, but it's time to say goodbye.
What you talkin' 'bout, Arnold? Kill his ass, little orphan Arnold! This mother[bleep.]
just don't want you to eat! Snap out of it! It's me your brother, Willis! To be honest, I don't even think he's your real brother! I don't want to hurt you, Arnold.
Now stop! [grunts.]
Aaaah! B.
D.
: Okay, y'all.
We need to come up with a new Business model that's gonna replace the "phanage" in "whorephanage.
" Any ideas? - Cream Corn: Ooh, I know! - Alright, Cream Corn, what you got? How 'bout a Whorespital? It's a whorehouse and a hospital in one! Dr.
Dynamite! Dr.
Dynamite! Uh, Frank the John here somehow got a gerbil stuck up his ass, and you are the physician - on duty, right? - B.
D.
: Oh, hell, no.
- We ain't doin' that.
- Bullhorn: Oh.
Now here's an idea I love, but I can't court in marriage.
We can put us some hos on horseback, and we can - call it Whores 'n Carriage! - Yeah.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Yeah, ride that.
Yeah, daddy.
Giddyup.
Faster! Fas Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - Not you! Wait, horses, wait! - B.
D.
: Hmm.
Honey Bee: I got it! [mid -tempo funk music plays.]
[indistinct conversations, laughter.]
hey now, we may not get to turn tricks but let me say it's better than suckin' a B.
D.
: I don't know you all.
It just ain't the same.
Without the orphans, this whorephange, no matter what we call it, is just some brick and mortar with a whole lot of hoing going down.
Maybe if Black Dynamite was more like Mr.
Drummond, none of - this would be happening.
- Cream Corn: Yeah, you should be a little bit more like Mr.
Drummond.
Honey Bee: No, it's my fault, Black Dynamite.
They were way too old to be drinkin' titty milk.
Bullhorn: I ain't gonna lie! It sure felt good to let my nuts hang, but I'd give every hangin' nut sac back to see those orpheens again! [whimpering.]
- Black Dynamite.
- B.
D.
: Nooo! [echoing.]
Little orphan, uh - Dudley.
- B.
D.
: Yeah, little orphan Dudley.
What has happened to you, and why are you not at Mr.
Drummond's, living in the lap of luxury? [wheezes, coughs.]
- Hun gry.
- B.
D.
: But how? How can you be hungry you, whose every appetite should be satisfied? Mr.
Drummond and his honky friends make us fight - each other for scrimps! - B.
D.
: # Du-du-dun # Not for scrimps! I knew it! I'm gonna make these jive suckers pay for this if it's the last thing I do! Honey Bee: But, Black Dynamite, that skyscraper's at least 50 floors of rich white honky tricks.
How are our black asses gonna get in there undetected? [coughs.]
Black Dynamite, is there - crustaceans in heaven? - B.
D.
: Of course not, and what kind of stupid [bleep.]
question is that - to waste your last breath on? - [gasps.]
I'm dead.
B.
D.
: [echoing.]
Nooooooo! Dynamite! Dynamite! [cheers and applause.]
Hmm.
Mmm.
Huh? Ugh! Uh [cheers and applause.]
I can't do it! I won't kill my baby brother over a piece of cake! [crying.]
[spectators booing.]
Aha.
[Whip! Clank!.]
[laughs evilly.]
[cheers and applause.]
So, this is it, huh? Huh?! This is all my life is worth, Arnold a sock-it-to-me cake?! Well, then, sock it to me, Arnold! - I hope you're hungry! - It's not just the cake.
It's for the salmon, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, chitterlings, and the ribs that come right off the bone! Don't be a little bitch, little orphan Arnold! Finish him and feast like a king! That man just called you a bitch.
Don't be no pussy, little orphan Arnold! Kill him! Did you see them mother[bleep.]
mustard greens? Whoo! Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, are you sure this is gonna work? B.
D.
: Hmph.
Is a pig's [bleep.]
still pork? Just follow my lead.
Oh, good evening, my fellow rich honky comrades.
Are you here to watch the innocent kidnapped negro children slaughter each other for food, which is really a commentary on the plight of the urban negro at large? B.
D.
: Uh, yeah.
Abso-positively correcta-mundo supercalifragili Oh [bleep.]
it! Suey! Hyah! Hyah! [groaning.]
B.
D.
: Suey! Damn! Black mother[bleep.]
Dynamite! B.
D.
: Mr.
Drummond, I may not feed these orphans lobster, shrimp, or even tuna fish, which is way too expensive at $1 a can, but what we do feed them is love and a little bit of titty milk.
And no matter how hungry they get, we would never make them kill each over that titty milk, - because when you have love - Uh, hello? I'm sorry.
I don't mean to interrupt your heartfelt [bleep.]
milk speech, but Arnold's about to shoot a missile in my ass over some mustard greens! B.
D.
: Oh.
Uh, well, a house is not a home, and a whorephanage is something like a house, or a whorehouse is not a god damn it! I had it before I came over here.
Aw [bleep.]
it! Suey! [cheers and applause.]
Don't take another step, Black Dynamite, or little orphan Willis here will be going to a place where they won't have crustaceans.
So, if I were you, I'd Aaaah! Little orphan Arnold, you ain't shit.
Ooh, kill him.
[beeps.]
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-h! [children cheering.]
Dudley? What the hell? [bleep.]
we thought you was dead.
B.
D.
: Yeah.
I just watched you waste your last breath on a stupid [bleep.]
question.
Man, turns out I was just in a sugar coma from all the sock-it-to-me cake.
But the hos gave me some [bleep.]
milk.
Now I'm back to my old self.
[children cheering.]
Hey, Willis.
I'm sorry that I temporarily lost my natural black mind.
You know I wouldn't have killed you over no sock-it-to-me cake.
But if it was two sock-it-to-me cakes, I would have killed your ass! [laughs.]
- I ain't lying! - Yeah.
Sure, you weren't.
But what I do know is I'm ready to get a doggy bag and get up out of here! Ha! You ain't got to tell me! I'm already on it.
- B.
D.
: Let's go home, y'all.
- Honey Bee: Uh, y'all know that child protective services bitch ain't gonna let us bring the orphans back without getting [bleep.]
in the ass.
[mid-tempo funk music plays.]
B.
D.
: All right, y'all.
After this last wash, we're shutting down the whorewash.
Cream Corn: What last wash, Black Dynamite? And why am I the only one wearing this t-shirt? [tires screeching.]
I'll have the deluxe package [chuckles.]
ooh, with the undercarriage spray.
- Drip, drip, drip.
- B.
D.
: Cream Corn, you got to take one for the team, or two or three - whatever's on special.
- Cream Corn: What?! Oh, god! Oh, god! Don't ask me about my specials.
Don't ask me about my specials! I ain't got no specials, girl! Dynamite! Dynamite! [music.]
# This is how we paid our bills # we clean your car with them good titties on the windshield - # jerkin' at the # - # whorewash # - # jerkin' at the # - # whorewash, yeah # come on and sing it with me - # whorewash # - # whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh # - # jerkin' at the # - # whorewash, yeah #