Black-ish (2014) s02e08 Episode Script

Hair.
Everybody has it somewhere.
Lucky for me, mine's somewhere still on top of my head, and that's a good thing.
First, because this is my nightmare.
And second, because in the black community, hair is everything.
In fact, if I was to make a list of things that were most important to me as a black man besides Bow and the kids, hair would probably fall right between God and my mama.
Now, mama, before you get upset, remember that hair helped put black people on the map.
You see, in the early 1900s, my girl Madam C.
J.
Walker became the first black millionaire because she invented a better version of this.
Second black millionaire Oprah.
Or maybe it was Famo Amos.
Anyway, the point is we care about our hair, and that's why the barbershop holds such a special place in our hearts.
My barber's been with me through it all.
From the baby baldy To the fourth grade flat top The sixth grade "s" curl To the graduation gumby The 20s twisties Whoo! I'm gonna get all the earthy ladies.
The first-time father fro, and finally, the funky fresh Driggity Dre you all know and adore.
And there he is T.
Jackson.
The man responsible for maintaining the third most important thing in my life.
We had to reorder the list.
Shrimp's making a move.
Sorry, mamas.
No matter what city you're in, no matter where you're from, the barbershop is never short on its cast of characters, and it's this environment that shaped me and helped me grow into the man I've become.
And it would do the same for my two boys.
There's Ta-Ta, the conspiracy theorist.
Hey, you know our military's about to invade Jamaica, right? Yeah.
Hey, what's up, Dre? There's Scootie, the bad list maker.
Oh, man, it goes Beyoncé, Alicia Keys, and Tempestt Bledsoe! Dre.
There's Mike Before I beat yo ass! Always fighting.
Never winning.
There's Renard, Jigga, and Oozi.
They cut hair from sun up to sundown seven days a week, but don't you dare call them barbers.
I'm actually a screenwriter.
Comedian.
Astronaut.
And I've already told you about this man.
He's like a second uncle to the kids and like a first father to me.
My man T.
You been working out, Dre? I love you, man.
All right, son, come on.
It's T.
Time.
Dad, is this gonna take all day? George R.
R.
Martin is at the Waldenbooks right now, and I heard if you give him $20, he'll tell you if Tyrion becomes king.
Boy, be quiet and wait your turn before I red wedding your ass.
Look like somebody doesn't need the booster seat anymore.
Yes! It really been a source of anxiety for me.
Hey, you need a cut, playboy? Me? Am I playboy? What do you think? Yeah.
I don't see any other playboys around here.
Hey, Dad, the new guy's open.
Is it cool if I go to him? I don't know, Junior.
Is it cool if I start an Ultimate Frisbee League? Is it cool if I pee sitting down? Is it cool if I start rocking skinny jeans, huh? Well, sitting down while you pee is supposed to reduce your risk of cancer, so that's kind of cool.
I'm gonna go hop in the chair.
Junior, there are unwritten rules in the barbershop, and the first rule is you never switch chas! Am I right? Yeah.
You're right.
Never.
The barbershop was built on loyalty.
That's how it became the cornerstone of the community.
- Am I right?! - You're right.
- True.
True.
- Yeah, you right.
You stay with your barber no matter what happens to him.
Incarceration, tax evasion, ebola He loses a thumb Am I forgetting something? Oh, there are so many things.
Um, getting trapped under the ice.
That is a good one right there Trapped under the ice.
- Just take a little off the top.
- Got you.
What? T, I apologize for my son.
You know, suburban life has ruined him.
Just promise me to beat him when you get home.
Oh, till the brakes fall off.
Tear that ass up.
Oh, it's snowing.
It's so cold.
Thoughts? At what age can you divorce your parents? Start the paperwork.
Come on, you guys.
The Christmas card shoot is in a couple of weeks.
If we're gonna pull off this Winter Wonderland, we got to have the perfect fake snow.
So, is the flour working? If you're going for Christmas in Medellí­n.
Wha how do you even We're back.
- Is that cocaine? - No, sweetie, it's just a pile of mommy's disappointment.
Oh, my, Junior! Oh, my gosh, your hair.
And your line.
It's like You know what? Mom's right.
You can say hi to me at school tomorrow.
Now, I won't respond, but it'll mean something to you.
I went to a new guy, Smoke.
He called me Pimp Juice, and we talked all about his baby mama drama.
What? I really hope he and Latonka work it out.
All right, what we got to do? Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- What? What what happened to your hair? No.
More like p'ehh.
What do you mean? She means The same guy that did that couldn't have done that.
No, no, no, baby girl.
This is T.
all day every day, all right? Did T.
recently have a stroke? Maybe while you were in his chair? I don't think so.
Mm.
'Cause all I see is chocolaty goodness.
Look at that.
'Cause you're working your angles.
Dad Look straight into the mirror.
What the? - Look at.
.
- Dre, this is not good.
The family photo is right around the corner.
You're gonna need to go back to the shop and have Smoke give you a Junior.
- No! - Tell him Pimp Juice sent you.
Shut up.
T.
is my barber, okay? His cage was just rattled because he was betrayed by light-skinned Judas.
It's Junior.
Yeah, you know what? You be lucky if T.
ever takes you back.
I don't want to go back.
I'm out of the T.
business.
I'm a Smoke man now.
What?! So you're switching barbers? Bow, can you believe this? Yeah.
Have you seen your hair? It's not about my hair.
It should be.
It's about my son violating - the most sacred of codes.
- Oh, my God.
Boy, where are you going? Good God, son! Who did that to you? Uh - I want a name.
- Not now, mama.
Judas! So, now that your father has got to wear a hat in these pictures, I'm gonna have to change the whole theme.
The costumes, the backdrop.
I'm gonna lose the deposit for the penguin wrangler.
Mm-hmm.
It got left to the last minute, and now someone's got a case of the overwhelms.
- N-no.
- Why don't you let me help you out this year with the photo shoot? You do tend to get a bit stressed out.
- I do not.
- Uh, do, too.
Every single year.
You wind up crying in all the photos.
I wouldn't say all the photos.
Your tears stained my reindeer costume.
Well, I'm really slammed at work.
And add in the fact that I'm a full-time mother of four.
That's the spirit! That's the I didn't finish what I was gonna say.
No, no, no.
Don't you worry about a thing.
I'm gonna take care of all of this.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Now Enough.
The theme is now going to be Elegance.
What?! Wait Elegance.
I can't do elegance.
I'm quirky at best.
We won't be able to hide behind Mom's dumb theme anymore.
Elegance is going to expose us for who we really are.
But I don't like who I really am.
Relax.
It's just a Christmas card.
- Just a Christmas card? - Yeah.
Just a Christmas card?! Yeah.
The Christmas card sets the tone for the coming year, and God forbid you have an off day.
Your next year is shot.
Remember last year for Jack? That was a hard year for me.
This is never going to work.
I can't afford two in a row! You know what, guys, the first rule of elegance is never panic.
Is freaking out okay? 'Cause I just peed a little.
I was trying to concentrate, but junior's betrayal and my own hair had me off my game at work.
Okay, and with the integration into the company's interface, you will see that we can Dre, I'm gonna stop you.
You do realize that you've been cycling through the HDMI inputs this whole time, right? - I thought it still worked.
- Guys, I'm sorry.
I'm so upset with my son that I can't even focus right now.
Oh, I've been through this before.
Look, you've got to get him to Dubai, okay? It's the land of no laws, no extraditions, and the shopping mall there is amazing.
- What? No.
- Yes, Dre.
There's a ski lift inside that bad boy! This is about loyalty.
We've been going to the same barber since he was a kid, and just like that, he drops him.
- What the fuck, boss? - Yeah, I know, man.
- I was gonna call off sick today.
- Yo, straight up, if you don't bounce right now, I'm going to.
- That bad? - So, I'm I'm just trying to sift through all the hip-hop here, and I'm gathering that dre got a bad haircut and you think he should go home? Do you see that line? This is not a bad haircut.
This is the starting five for the San Antonio spurs.
Five rings, no fades.
Yes, but they are so fundamentally sound.
You know, I got to be honest, Driggity, I didn't think your hair even grew.
Yeah, I always thought it was just a textured tattoo.
I thought it was a cadaver wig.
What are you talking about? Am I the only black man you've ever seen? Uh Oh, no, I knew dozens in college.
Well, there's this guy, whatever his name is.
Maybe four, tops.
I get my hair cut once a week.
- Really? - What? Okay, that is dumb.
Lucy, how often do you cut my hair? Oh, everybody, Lucy cuts my hair.
- Really? - Yeah.
I have a pair of scissors this close to his jugular every six to eight weeks.
You know what? Sounds like you need to fire your barber, Drizzles.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nobody's saying all that.
That's his barber, man.
T.
is like family.
Well, firing family is the easiest firing there is.
I'll fire some family right now.
"Time to get off the teat, Grandma.
" Gone.
Bitch is fired.
- You don't get it.
- He does not get it.
Look, you don't bail on your barber after one bad cut.
Don't you have somebody in your life that you and your sons - have a special relationship with? - Yeah.
Like the skeet shooting instructor? - No.
- The African baby adoption agent? No.
The guy that checks your moles.
Dr.
Rubenstein, yes.
After every checkup, we toast each other with gimlets and hit the local tanning salon.
And would you ever have anybody else tell you that you had skin cancer? - Never.
- Exactly.
I'm gonna go back to T.
Just because I had a few bad haircuts doesn't mean that I have to take the clippers out of his hand.
- Right.
- It's like - It's like Kobe Bryant.
- Right.
When he has a bad game, you put the ball right back in his hands! - Yes, you do.
- That's what I'm gonna do to T.
I'm gonna put the clippers right back in his hands - and show my son what loyalty's all about! - That's right! Kobe! Kobe! Damn you, Kobe! Hey, wait.
What happened to Winter Wonderland? Oh, sweetie, this is a Christmas card that does not immediately get tossed out like your lentil bean casserole.
Look, for this year's card, I want you to think elegance.
Picture marble, animal prints, mahogany, coach bags.
Hey, Dre, what - What's wrong? - Baby? Aah! Oh, my Black Jesus, black Jesus.
My hairline.
My nice, full, sweet, never-did-nothing-to-nobody hairline.
Dre, Smoke did that? I went back to T.
You went back to T?! It's like T.
's Kobe, and if Kobe has a bad game, you don't take the ball out of Kobe's hands.
You give it back to him and say, "shoot, Kobe! Shoot!" Well, maybe Kobe of 10 years ago, but not Kobe of today.
He's taken the whole franchise down.
Dre, enough is enough.
We are taking these family photos next week, so either get yourself a new barber, or at the very least, a sharpie, okay? Hair's crazy.
First lesson.
Elegance is all about poise and posture.
Observe.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Elegance! Even In pain.
You have glass in your hair.
- Is it shimmering? - Does it matter? What are you doing with my phone? Wha Is this your phone? You know, I thought this was my phone.
With the Gandalf case? Oh! You're looking for Smoke's info.
No.
Smoke? Please.
Ahh.
I get it.
He's great.
He's got a great eye for fashion.
Mm.
Said I did, too.
- I'm gonna take more risks.
- I think you should, son, but Is it cool if I get that number? Hmm.
I don't know, Dad.
Is it cool if I start wearing lip gloss? Is it cool if I start listening to the Fray? - Who? - Is it cool if I trade in all my sneakers for uggs? - Okay.
- Besides, whatever happened to loyalty? What the barbershop was built on, how it became the cornerstone of the community.
I just need a good haircut, son.
Hey, Ruby.
- Can I help you with anything? - No, no.
You relax.
I'm just putting together a mock photo of where we'll all be standing on the day.
And you're using the cast of "Empire"? Well, if there's a better way of showing elegance, I don't know of it.
Oh, I-I could thing of a couple.
Listen, listen.
Take Cookie.
Now, she's a bad bitch.
She's strong, she's beautiful, and she oozes elegance.
Which is why she will be front and center.
And let me guess, you're Cookie? Is there another bad bitch in this house? Now, behind every matriarch is a dreamer with a voice and hair that you would do jail time for.
That's Lucious.
That's my Dre.
- Yes.
Yeah.
- He needs to be right behind Cookie.
Yeah.
And so, um, who am I, and where will I be standing? - You're the white girl Rhonda.
- Wha And who says she'll be standing? So, you're just gonna have me on the floor? Now see, that's such a Rhonda way of looking at things.
Oh, my God, okay.
Great, thanks.
Um, yeah.
So, I went to the shop on T's day off to see if Smoke could help me out, but he was with one of his loyal, disloyal regulars.
Hey, what's up, Dre? Hey, hey, y'all know the Nation of Islam are turning into Scientologists, right? - Y'all heard that? - What? Yeah.
I heard that.
Man, you sound stupid.
- I'm gonna look it up.
- Hey, Smoke.
Hey, man, you think you can jump me ahead of a couple folks, man? Uh I got a situation over here.
Whoa! Damn! Hey, Lebron, what you doing here? Aren't you guys playing in Detroit tonight? Shut up! Wow, you much shorter and fatter in person.
- Yo mama.
- Last season, you carried the whole team on your forehead.
Oh, good one.
Good one.
Yo, Smoke, man, since T.
not here, man, you think you can fix this? No.
You're T's guy.
I'll call him in.
Hey, man, look like Ta-Ta was right about the Nation.
- It's the truth.
- Let me see that.
Scroll.
Oh, oh.
That's my penis.
That's sorry about that.
What, man? That's not supposed to be in there.
Yo, Pimp Juice, what happened to that girl you told us about? Oh, Sasha? She told me to call her at 1:00.
Don't.
Start a text bubble about 1:30.
Yeah, but don't send anything off till about 4:00.
Yeah, yeah, and then all you say is "'Sup? Who dis?" - Really? - Yeah, trust me.
You do that, and Sasha will be on your line in five minutes with a phone call like, "did you text me?" Then you be like, "no.
But what's up with you, baby girl?" Baby girl.
I can do that.
Now, is "who dis" with one "s" or two? There you are, T.
Bron-Bron's over here looking for you to fix him up.
Whoa! Whoa! What did you do to your hair? What did you do to my hair, huh? What, me? You must've messed with it at home.
Why would I do this to my own hair?! I don't know.
It doesn't make any sense.
Look, people know that I cut your hair, and I can't let you walk around looking like that.
Let me just get down on this burrito first.
Fool, I've been walking around like this all week.
Oh, here we go.
Lebron! Witness! As the powder settled all around me, I realized I'm a grown-ass man.
I don't need this.
Hey, Ruby, have you seen my Oh, my.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! I know.
Zoey, go upstairs and wash that makeup off your face.
Jack, no gangsta leaning in this house! - And Diane - No.
Diane, take off those fishnets.
Take them off.
You guys look ridiculous.
Ruby, is that your idea of a family Christmas card? It's supposed to be wholesome and sweet, and have something to do with Christmas.
There's a lion, Rhonda.
Christmas is not about being a bad bitch.
- Neither is that sweater.
- Well Actually, it's biodegradable.
- It's hideous.
- Wha? So, I gave it another week for my hair to grow back, then I took action.
What are you doing, Dad? Oh.
Solving our problems, son.
This is Montana.
He's a barber to the stars.
He cuts Matt Kemp, Usher.
Dennis Haysbert.
Whoo-hoo! You hear that, son? Dennis Haysbert.
He stays with a fresh one.
We don't have to deal with the b.
s.
politics of the shop.
No waiting, no clowning, no play fighting that turns into real fighting that turns into jail time.
And we don't have to watch "Pootie Tang" on a constant loop.
Get to.
Get to watch "Pootie Tang.
" Sada-tay.
Smoke's my barber until I die, or Latonka kills him.
He gave me the courage to wear these paisley pants, which I admit are a mistake, but I am seeing it through.
Suburban life has ruined you, Dad.
I'm going to see my barber.
Fine! Go! Hey, give me the Dennis Haysbert.
Hey, everybody.
Hey.
Wha-w-why's everybody dressed like that? And I'm dressed like this? Isn't this what you wanted? You tricked me? Don't mess with Cookie.
Okay.
Sorry I'm late.
Damn, son.
What happened to your hair? I went down to the shop and Smoke totally jacked me up 'cause he and Mike got into it over R.
Kelly.
- Again? - Smoke beat him up, but he didn't stop cutting my hair.
He even changed guards.
- And he didn't fix you up? - No.
He claimed he didn't do it, but I never left his chair.
I think you're right, Dad.
That place is a lot to handle.
And to be honest, it wasn't the same without you.
Sorry you had a rough time, son.
Maybe your barber is the way to go.
Well, he did give me the Haysbert.
'Sup, Sasha? No, I didn't text you.
But what's up with you, baby girl? Oh, my God.
Hey.
What's going on with you? I'm an idiot.
I had a bad couple of trips to the barbershop and I lost sight of why I was taking the boys there in the first place.
It's not about haircuts.
I learned some stuff on a Saturday that I can't learn anywhere else.
It's how you become a man.
You just saw it with Junior.
- He played a girl! - Great lesson.
But he learned that in the shop and he wouldn't give me Smoke's number because he was forming his own relationships in that world just like I did! I've got to get Junior back in there.
He needs this.
Okay, I have my own problems.
Okay, what's up? And later on, I got the boys back into a place that I knew it was important for them to be So, what you're saying is that Scientologists are taking over the whole Nation of Islam? Yes, man, I just saw them parading down slauson selling the bean pies and all that.
- No, no.
- Real talk.
- No way.
- Would I lie? Even if it came at my own expense.
Added some sporty little lines in there.
What you think? Think I'll see you next Saturday.