Bless This Mess (2019) s02e08 Episode Script

1 Honey, do you think it might beeasier if I drove the forklift? Since I know how to drive.
We're partners in life, we're partners on this farm.
I can do this.
I mean, it's not like you need a license for it.
You know what I mean? Uh, yeah.
- I think you do, though.
- You what? I think you need a license.
- All right, here we go.
- Oh, honey, honey! Honey, honey, honey! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Whoa! - Okay, all right.
Okay.
You're okay.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
- Everyone's okay.
We're all okay.
[SIGHS.]
- Rudy! - Rudy! Rudy? - I thought you were gonna be dead.
- Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry.
[SCREAMS.]
[BELL JINGLES.]
Hi, Connie.
Connie, do you still have that shipment of pine? What project are you guys working on? We, uh, drove a forklift through the side of the barn.
Just a classic Rio and Mikes crew-up.
Textbook.
This one is just Rio and it's just my home.
Yes, and I feel terrible about it, and I will not operate any more farm equipment.
I was just making conversation.
No, it's fine, I'm just - Accidents happen.
It's okay.
- Thank you.
- That's right.
Let's go get some pine.
- Yeah, thank you.
[BELL JINGLES.]
It's not okay.
They tried to kill me.
Now I'm out on the street until we fix the barn.
Well, why don't you stay at our place tonight? A night spent at my girlfriend's place.
With my girlfriend.
In her place.
Yes, that's right.
No, hold on! That's not fair! Because remember when I was in high school, I tried to bring a girl home, and you took my door off the hinges.
Well, that girl was a pastor's daughter, and you know them girls are freaks.
Yeah.
That was good instincts.
- [KNOCKING ON LUMBER.]
- Sounds sturdy.
- Should we knock, like - This is a nice piece.
Not that one.
That one's got mildew.
How can you tell? From the appearance of mildew.
There's mildew? I'm sorry.
That came off harsh.
I'm Yeah, no, I'm just a little on edge.
My sister's coming to visit.
Hey, that's awesome! I always wanted to have a sister.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I I had an imaginary one, but then she sort of chose my dad in the divorce.
Well, you wouldn't have wished for this sister.
She's always one-upping me, you know? Better hair, better grades, better farmer.
Even sicker body, if you can believe that.
- I find that hard to believe, but - Yeah.
I want to be her, but also I hate her, you know? That sounds complicated.
Well, it is, Mike! Okay? It's very complicated.
Welcome to the world of being a woman.
If I could just Because a therapist, it feels like you're clearly jealous of her.
Of course I'm feeling jealous, Rio.
Do you not get jealous? Like, I don't know, if somebody brings, like, a fancier hummus to one of your New York night parties? I don't really get jealous.
But I do feel like jealousy really does stem from an insecurity within us.
Mnh-mnh.
This is earned, okay? Stacey and I, when we were kids, we were a team The Grisham Gals.
Yeah, we used to trick ride in the rodeo.
And then she went solo - Trick riding? - And I stayed on the farm.
And now she's a full-fledged rodeo queen with her own clown.
She gets her own clown.
Her very own personal clown.
You get out of town.
Wait.
Your sister is Stacey Grisham? Do you follow rodeo? - [HORSE WHINNIES.]
- You were in the rodeo? What is Oh, of course.
- Hey.
- That's a real entrance.
Ohh, yes! - Whoo! - She's just riding a horse.
[RIO LAUGHS.]
Oh, she's gonna park it like a pro.
You gotta be kidding me.
Hey, sis.
- What?! - What? [LAUGHTER.]
Don't clap.
She knows she's good.
Wow, what an entrance.
You know, I rolled out of a taxi cab like that, but it was not intentional at all.
Stacey, good to see you.
This is my friend Rio and Mike.
- So nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
Yeah.
- Mike.
- Michael Young? - As I live and breathe.
- Oh, you remember! Oh, of course I remember! You know, actually, it's Mike Levine-Young now because I took my wife's name, and this is her! - Aww, isn't that cute? - Yeah.
That's so progressive! I love it.
I cannot believe I never put this together that y'all were sisters.
Oh, well, we look nothing alike.
- Yeah.
- That's nice.
Stacey and I hung out for a summer - in Bucksnort.
- We sure did.
Yeah, we hooked up a bunch.
Rock on, party down.
That is Yeah.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
Wow, do you look good! You look great! Yeah, boy.
You look good.
- Man, you look good.
- Wow! Yeah.
Kay, how did you not put this together? This is sort of remarkable.
Oh, no, I mean, I spent my summers at band camp.
Apparently, Stacey was here macking on every boy in Bucksnort.
- Well - Including your husband.
But you don't get jealous, so it's not a big deal.
I don't.
Stacey, you should come You should come to dinner tonight.
We'd love to have you over.
- Oh, I don't - Oh, I would I'd love to hear about Mike as a teenager.
- That would be fantastic.
- I don't think that's a good idea.
Oh, I would love that.
Dinner sounds great.
Hey, I want you to know that I see what you're doing, and I like it.
Keep your friends close and your husband's exes closer.
That's what you think this is about? It is.
I'm telling you, I've been down this road with Stacey before, okay? It's better if you just give in to the jealousy, because the more you fight it, the worse it gets.
And the next thing you know, you're in a gas station bathroom with half-dyed blond hair thinking, "Maybe now I'll be enough.
" Okay.
Listen, Kay.
- Mm-hmm.
- Here's what we're gonna do.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're gonna use this dinner as, like, an opportunity for you to get out some of your negative emotions towards your sister.
Should I just say them? So I just tell her what I don't like? No, try this on.
Put this on your wrist.
- Okay.
- Go ahead and put that so Any time you have that feeling of jealousy, - I want you to - Ow.
snap and redirect yourself into a positive thought.
- Okay, and then I remember - Yep.
- "Don't be a bitch to your sister.
" - There it is.
Ready for "Bridge on the River Kwai"? Oh, yeah.
Why don't we go in the bedroom and get a little more comfy? I couldn't imaginebeing more comfortable.
I'm indoors.
[CHUCKLES.]
Brandon, where are you going? Out.
Out of earshot.
Please don't ask me questions.
Just let me go.
Yeah, I'm cold.
Are you cold? Let me warm you up a little bit.
I've got just the fix.
A little something I like to call "the burrito.
" There you go.
Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle.
Tuck, tuck, tuck.
There you are.
Movie time.
["COLONEL BOGEY MARCH" PLAYING.]
I just got back from Tampa.
- Mm.
- Nailed a Forward Fender.
Dedicated it to the troops.
Oh, they must have appreciated that so much.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So patriotic.
It was the least I could do.
Well, we just want to tell you thank you for taking time out of your glamorous life to stop through.
- There we go.
- Well, I missed you.
And I I was so sad to hear what happened with you and Beau.
Stacey.
This pie is tremendous.
Literally, I don't know if this is gonna make sense, but I feel like it's, like, looking into my soul and it's saying, "Hey, I understand you.
And at the end of the day, I want you to be happy.
" Oh, I would give you the recipe, but I just make it with my heart.
- Oh.
- So sweet.
So, what what places have you hit since you've been in town? Did you go to Joan's and get a, uh, - hot fudge sundae with three cherries? - Three cherries! [LAUGHS.]
Really specific memory.
Actually, I found a little something when I was going through some old things at Kay's.
- No, no, no, no.
- The last letter Michael ever wrote me.
- [LAUGHS.]
No, no.
- Yes! Oh, wow.
Anyone else getting hit with that cologne I sprayed on it? - What is that? - Yeah, that's my teenage cologne.
- Mike - What was it, Thunder Musk, - or Musk Rain? - That's right.
I think that's what I wore.
It was musk, and then some kind of inclement weather attached to it.
[LAUGHS.]
I need to - Oh, this is humiliating.
- Oh, you're embarrassed? - I need to read it.
- You have to read it.
Yeah.
Read it, read it, read it, read it! - Okay, be gentle.
- I love it.
"Dear Stacey, one day, I'll come back for you, my love.
" - [CHUCKLING.]
- Ooh, so romantic.
"Then we'll get married, make babies" - [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, boy.
- " and we'll grow old together.
" That's sweet.
"You'll be my farm wife, and we'll work this farm together forever.
" "Love, your soulmate, Michael.
" Wow.
Closing strong.
"Soulmate"? Only supposed to have one of those, right? STACEY: Well, you always loved this farm.
We would clean out the chicken coops, eat berrie still our mouths turned blue, and then sneak off to you know - Sure, yeah.
- Yeah, you know.
No, I don't know.
And I have a terrible imagination, so why don't you spell it out for me? - No, I don't think that - Ah, it's, like, you know, it was the old Yellow Page thing, let your fingers do the walking, I don't know.
Lip-smacking, hips bumping.
- Wow, that's great.
- Over the jeans, - under the zipper.
- Great, great, great.
- PG-13.
- Yeah, the way we all did it.
And then on your last night, do you remember what we did? - We slept in the barn.
- Ohh, we slept in the barn! Oh, teenage hormones.
Figuring out each other's bodies, and What happened then? Do you think it's still there? - Oh, my God.
- Boy, oh, boy.
Gross.
What's still there? I've been out there so many times, - but I haven't checked.
- We have to check.
- We got to check.
- Well, we have to check! - Should we check? - We have to check.
- Should we check? Let's check.
- Right, should we check? Check, please! [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
"Check please," 'cause you're saying Oh, my God.
Oh, that's good.
Let's go check.
- It's here somewhere.
- What is it? Oh! [LAUGHS.]
It's still here.
- I can't believe it's still there.
- Look at this.
Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.
Oh, God, what is happening to me right now? It's like a weird mix of horniness and hatred, and also love.
It's like I want to fight, and I want to pee outside somewhere.
Oh, God.
- What is this feeling? - Think you might need this? You mean to pull my hair back while I fight her? Okay, hon, I'm gonna head out to the barn and try to fix those doors.
- Oh, do you need my help? I can - Oh, no, no, you don't have to.
I called Stacey.
She's, like, crazy good at all that stuff Hammering and nailing, laying wood, and probably gonna be taking orders from her all day long.
- Is that right? - Yeah, so, she's gonna come by as soon as she gets out of the shower.
I'm not sure why that's relevant.
I think we all take showers.
- You know, it's like - [CHUCKLES.]
It's not, like, extraordinary.
Honey, I just wanna say I appreciate so much that you're okay with exes.
- Oh, I - And it's because you're so confident - and above all that.
- [SIGHS.]
You're an incredible woman, Rio.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Ooh! You got a little piece of - What? No, I don't.
- Yeah, you have a little - Yeah, a strawberry thing.
- Oh, no, it's fine.
- It's I'll do it.
What is - Oh, okay.
Okay, I love you.
Oh Is that What are you Is that cologne? Oh, I went through my old trunk and found the cologne I sprayed on that letter.
It was called "Musk Monsoon.
" Isn't that hysterical? - It's - Stacey's gonna die.
Ohh, well, Mike, don't even talk like that.
I don't want to think about Stacey dying a death.
[LAUGHS.]
Love you.
Okay.
Ow.
- I remember her the blond bombshell.
- Okay.
All right, guys.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I might be a little bit jealous of Stacey.
- A little bit? - Yes.
Mike asked her to help fix the barn without telling me, and so I - Uh-oh.
- Yeah.
I want you to understand something.
Stacey can't just take whatever she wants.
That's what she did to me.
You gotta go get your man.
Listen, this has nothing to do with Stacey, okay? If I am having feelings of jealousy, that just means that there's an insecurity in me that Stacey is activating.
Oh, like how she's good at everything - you're terrible at? - Well Or is it how much your husband enjoyed eating her pie? He did like it, didn't he? Or maybe it's that he wanted herto be his "farm wife" from the get-go, and that's something you'll never be.
I can I could be a farm wife.
Okay, you know what? Have you never seen a romantic comedy? I obvi I've seen all of yes.
You're the cold bitch from New York that he leaves for Stacey at the end of the movie, and then he comes back and she's like, I don't know, like, milking a cow or something, and looks up, and is like "[GASPS.]
Oh, you came back for me? All the way from the big city?" Are you saying I'm I'm, like, the shoulder-pad woman who always has a presentation to give? Yeah, and a pointer, and everything.
And pumps.
Well, what about the movie with the girl that didn't get laid last night? - Oh.
- I wouldn't want to watch that movie.
- Wait a second, Connie - Oh, no.
Connie, are we getting into this? Oh, we're getting into it.
You know what? We need some snacks.
Because if we're gonna be talking trash, - we need to eat trash.
- No, I need some salt.
[DRILL WHIRS.]
Mike, I want to bend your ear as a man.
Yeah, sure.
Be as open as you'd like to be.
I won't pry.
I spent last night at Constance's, and intercourse was strongly intimated, but I ran from the light of her advances like a sexless cockroach.
Wow.
Yeah, you really opened up.
Well, I mean, you're into Constance, right? So, what do you think freaked you out? Not a clue.
Though it might have something to do with my ex-wife, Theresa, once telling me I was the worst lover of all time.
That might be it.
Last night, I threw myself at him.
- Okay.
- And he didn't even touch me.
- BOTH: What?! - Not once! And I'm that bitch.
- You're that bitch.
- I'm an artisanal bitch, - but I am that bitch.
- Uh-huh.
I just felt like I had those two sticks on the tarmac, and I was trying to, you know, like, waving over here, over here, over there.
[ALL IMITATING BEEPING.]
And he never came in for a landing.
Listen, he doesn't take a hint well.
When we're playing charades, he guesses "woman playing game.
" Like Okay, that's what we're dealing with here.
You know what I mean? He can't take subtlety.
- Were you too subtle? - Theresa's words still ringin my ears.
She said she'd rather file her taxes than make love to me.
And then she did, right there in the bedroom.
Whew! Ouch.
Well, I mean, Rudy, I I'm sure you're a good lover.
- Really? - Yeah.
Number one, you're very focused.
Yes.
And number two, you're not afraid to make a mess, and that's that's a bonus.
- Yes.
- But I bet she's just, you know, trying to make you upset.
Maybe she felt scorned by you, and she's trying to hit you where it hurts.
I'd just let it go and keep it moving.
You're right.
Let it go.
Theresa who? Theresa, I'm not gonna quit until I find out what you meant when you called me the worst lover of all time.
Also, does he need to be here? Yes.
Anything you say to me, Rudy, you can say to my new husband, Randy.
Randy? [CHUCKLES.]
You've got a type.
Don't get too comfortable, pal.
I'm sure there's a "Rodney" waiting in the wings.
I'm confident in this.
Hey, Rudy, I did not say you were the worst lover of all time.
I said you are the worst lover because of all the time.
- What? - You did too much foreplay.
Usually slow and steady wins the race, but Theresa likes it fast and shaky.
Everything with you was a big production.
My poor little orgasm was just sitting there in the wings, waiting for its cue.
I thought a sustained intimate experience was a good thing.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Why take the stairs when there's an elevator? I mean, if you're gonna go to Mars, are you gonna take a bike, or are you gonna take a rocket? I'd take a bike to get to the rocket.
How do you get to the rocket? Another rocket.
I may have over-corrected.
Ah, man! Ah, dang it.
- MIKE: Hey, hon.
- What? Uh, we're gonna run out and grab a table saw from Stacey's friend.
Ohh, look at this.
You're baking? Yes.
Yeah, well, you know, that That's just what the farm wife do! Honey, you remember last time you baked, you broke your ankle? - Yes, it's fine.
- So be careful.
- Great.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I I I'm good.
Okay, well, we should get going to J.
B.
's.
Some of my rodeo friends are having a stable party.
You're Sorry, the saw's at the party, or? Yeah.
We'll be quick.
It'll be a real in and out.
But I have to warn you, I might have to drag this one in for one beer, if that's okay.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHTER.]
That's not It's not up to me, right? I don't You're your own Okay.
Save me a piece of pie, okay? - What? - Looks good.
Looks crispy.
Oh, I made it like you like it.
What's the emergency? I need to go get my man.
Well, not looking like that, you won't.
Upstairs, right now, miss.
They're at a party at the stables, all right? You hear what I'm saying? Like, "Okay, we're at a party at the stables.
" The stables? The stables! You keep saying that to me like it's supposed to mean something.
Unfortunately, it does have meaning, because half the town lost its virginity on a hay bale.
- What about the other half? - Truck bed.
I'm gonna spray it within an inch of its life, okay? - Here we go.
Hmm.
- Oh, man.
- Oh, there she is.
- Ooh, that's a lot.
Hey, trust me, Rio.
Stacey goes big, and you've got to meet her where she lives.
Okay? Stacey's got big hair, you've got to have bigger hair.
Stacey does a A one-legged horse trick? You gotta do a reverse one-legged horse trick.
- Okay, I don't know what that means.
- Stacey's got bazangas, you're gonna have gazungas.
- That's right, cutlet time.
- I don't think that's necessary.
Don't do 'em, they're too big.
Your little frame can't support them.
Do it, Rio.
All right, screw it.
- All right.
- Here we go.
Girls, you're getting some roommates.
What about these? - Gonna take those home to Rudy, girl! - Talk about cutlets, you got two whole roasted chickens in there.
BOTH: I dug my key into the side Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive Carved my name into his leather seats I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights - [MUSIC VOLUME DECREASES.]
- Hey.
You know what, how you're saying, like, you know, your sister is, like, so special, and sparkly, and stuff? You Whatever about her, it's you.
You're the best dang person in the whole world.
Hey, look at me, I love you.
- Okay.
- Look at me.
I can't.
I'm driving.
- [SIGHS.]
- You're my best friend.
All right, well, don't go crying on me.
That eyeliner's real cheap.
I got it out of Stacey's bag.
I'm just saying - [MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES.]
- Come on, sing along.
BOTH: I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights Take this knife.
We'll do this today.
Where is he? Oh, there he is, over there.
- He's where? - Right there.
Oh.
Hey, Mike! Rio! What are you doing here? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, careful.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Grace in heaven, you look like a snack.
Rudy, I don't want to be subtle anymore.
- I want to be clear - Let's do this.
I promise I won't take too much of your time.
Theresa said I'm a lollygagger.
What? What What does that mean? Theresa gave me some feedback on my love-making.
I don't mean to disappoint you, but she said I take too much time with it.
Ooh, that sounds specific with Theresa.
Because there's no amount of time in bed with you that would be too long.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Wow.
That's a relief.
Because I can go up to six hours.
How long before you have to open the store? Six hours?! Oh, Rudy, why don't we just, you know, relax tonight, and I will clear an entire day for you now that I know I have to hydrate.
Hydrate? Oh, hell no! Ohh.
Well, you're drunk, huh? Even drunker than our wedding.
- Ooh, she's got - What is that? What Hon.
Did something Did that come off you? What is this? Should I Should I throw this away? No, don't, it's - Stacey! - Hi, honey.
Hey, honey.
You need to back off.
You need to back it, back it.
[IMITATES REVERSE SIGNAL.]
That's a truck backing up.
And like you, you need to stay away from my man.
- Wait, what are you talking about? - Don't you take my man.
Swee Swee Sweetheart, no - My man.
- No one No one can take me.
I would never go anywhere.
This isn't you.
I don't know.
I think it might be a little bit me.
I think I'm a little bit I think I'm a little bit jealous.
- I'm jealous.
I'm really jealous, Mike.
- Okay It's like you're out here with this other beautiful fantasy of a woman, and I'm not gonna be the farm wife from the letter, you know? That can't be me.
I'm like the New York City business woman who you leave at the end of the movie.
- You leave her! - MIKE: Sweetheart, I I don't know what's happening.
- What - Sensible pumps, the shoulder pads? - "Designing Women"? - I've always got a pointer.
I don't want Mike.
I want what you and Mike have.
Yes.
- Real? - Yes.
Can we be friends? Yes! Can you teach me to bake pie? Of course! Come on, now.
- With love? - Yeah! - See, this is great.
- Oh, heck no.
MIKE: This is great.
Now, we should hang out.
We got to come see you do the rodeo.
- I would love that.
- That would be great.
- Like, we could know somebody - Now you're stealing my friends? Well, I'll steal yours! Hey, rodeo friends, watch this! Kay, what are you doing? - No! - [SCREAMS.]
Hey, hey, slow down, slow down.
Watch this! STACEY: Oh, my God, not the Suicide Drag! - I can't get back up! - Oh, my God, she's bad.
Oh, my God, Stacey! Aah! Come on, slugger.
I've got a room-temp bottle of water in the car for you.
You never could do a Suicide Drag and you know it.
Well, if you hadn't pushed me - off of my horse - You fell off.
Only time you failed in your entire perfect life - and you're blaming me? - But you can't stand - the competition! - You have everything! - and you're blaming me! - Hey.
Whoa, whoa.
Maybe one talks first, and then the other one, and then in the between, you listen it? She's drunk, but still a great therapist.
All right, you go first.
I'm jealous of you, you nut.
- What? - You've got great friends, a beautiful farm, a son who's as smart as a whip.
Well, that's not right.
He's not smart at all.
All I've ever wanted is the love you have in your life.
When are you gonna get that you are so beautiful - and deserve love? - You're so dang insightful! What would I do without you? - Well, I love you! - Well, I love you, too! All right, enough of that! Now go give some cowboy some of this action.
Take them on the Forward Fender, the Suicide Drag, and the Grisham Gal Special.
Well, that's illegal in seven states.
Not in Nebraska, baby.
- Not in Nebraska.
- Alright.
RIO: Mike, I love this.
This is so special.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- I'm so sorry I threw up in our Leaf.
Oh, sweetie, I didn't even know that happened.
- That's okay.
- I did.
RUDY: Yes, yes.
Oh, God, I love that! CONSTANCE: Oh, I bet you do.
There's an opening right here I think we can fill.
Oh, you're gonna fill it.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, I'd like that.
Yeah, night time.
How about the 27th, then, that's a full moon? Ooh, yeah! I'll close the store on the 28th.
You might want to knock off the 29th, too.
Just as a back-up plan.
- You should pardon the expression.
- Ooh! Pardon it? I ain't pardon nothing! Are you kidding me? - Back it on up right here.
- Back [LAUGHS.]
- Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
- Oh, baby, baby.
To the left, to the left.
- Block it off.
- [LAUGHS.]