Blunt Talk (2015) s02e08 Episode Script
A Cell Doesn't Have to Be a Closet
1 Previously on Blunt Talk The play we'll be reading today is Chekhov's classic The Three Sisters.
Why are you called the Oscar Wildes? Because we're the unfairly imprisoned.
You know what else I like is that Shelly Tinkle.
Put her on-air again.
She's playful, sexy, electric.
[howls.]
I feel like my heart can hold both of you.
I work for a private dick named Arbogast.
He tells me where to go and what to do, but not what for.
Mr.
Arbogast? Oh, shit.
Looks like his head's been bashed in.
Oh, something like this could have done it.
- No, Harry, put that down! - [screaming.]
Pull yourself together.
You're not Lady Macbeth.
The police will sort this out.
Oh, my God, sir.
The logbook.
He died clutching the logbook.
They'll think I killed him.
Cuff both of them.
No, that won't be necessary.
- Ah! - Hey, easy with the old man.
Don't put your hands on me.
- [groans.]
- Rafe! Blunt Talk.
So you're very devoted to Mr.
Blunt, aren't you? Yeah, you could say that I'm devoted to the major.
And if anyone threatened the major, that would upset you and you would be angry with that person, correct? Naturally.
And this, uh this logbook, uh, can you explain what it is? It's my life's work.
So it's very precious to you? Yes.
I think of it as the human genome of literature.
- What do you mean? - Well, you see, by trying to understand one man, Walter Blunt, like looking at one strand of DNA, my mission has been to comprehend all of humanity.
Its delights and its demons.
Its triumphs and its tragedies.
And you ask me if it's precious? [slurping.]
Can I have another milk shake? [Ride of the Valkyries playing.]
Walter, what's going on? WALTER: Rosalie, I'm at LA Central.
- This is my one phone call.
- What happened? Harry and Rafe and I have been arrested for the murder of Arbogast.
Oh, my God! Did you do it? No, of course not.
But I can't reach my lawyer.
He's not answering his phone.
That's because he's in Romania on vacation.
I'll call UBS legal, get someone down there right away.
Mr.
Blunt, terminate the call.
You're up.
Shit, uh, Rosalie, I have to go.
All right, Walter.
I I love you.
I love you, Rosalie.
- Mr.
Blunt.
- Yes, okay.
What's going on? [sighs.]
Walter, Harry, and Rafe have been arrested for the murder of that private dick Arbogast.
Oh, my God, am I dreaming? [slurps.]
What's a private dick? So explain to us again the nature of your relationship with Harry Chandler.
It doesn't seem normal.
He's my man, my valet.
My manservant and my friend.
- So he's kind of like a butler? - No, it's more personal than that.
A butler usually heads up a household.
You said he was your man.
Does that mean lover? - Would you lie to us to protect him? - He's not my lover! All right, let me try and explain.
Harry and I served in the Falklands together.
[laughs.]
- What's so funny? - I don't know.
Whenever I hear the word Falklands, I laugh.
- Where's my lawyer? - He's on his way.
You don't have to talk to us, you know.
I know that.
I also know that I have nothing to hide.
I want to be cooperative.
Rudolph Global Okay, before we get back into your conspiracy theories, I have another question to ask.
What is the logbook? Your man seems to be very protective of it.
Yeah, he said, um, "It's my Swann's Way and I'm Proust.
" - Would he kill for it? - Harry compared himself to Proust? I thought it was a reach myself.
Well, Harry can be irrational when it comes to the logbook, but he would never, ever commit Irrational? As in crazy? I'll wait for my lawyer.
[door opens.]
[panting.]
Walter, I made it.
We did everything we could to have them released this weekend, but now they've all been transferred to the county jail in Chinatown.
"Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.
" This is not the time to be quoting movies, Jim.
[scoffs.]
Rosemary's Baby.
Chinatown.
Do they know about Walter's bathroom issues? They do.
The one VIP privilege we were able to swing is that Walter and Harry can share a cell.
Well, that's not too bad.
Walter won't mind going in front of Harry.
The arraignment was set for today at 5:00, but the judge is a nasty old tumor and he's delayed it a week.
Oh, God.
Walter must be crushed.
Well, he doesn't know yet.
I have to go tell him.
God, well, what are we gonna do, Rosalie? - Are we off the air? - No.
I spoke to Bob half an hour ago.
He's in New York with Bronson.
They want Blunt Talk to keep going.
- Bob wants - Me to take over.
Okay, I'm ready.
I just I just need to shave.
I love it when you shave.
Your beautiful mole comes out of hiding.
- You like my mole? - Mmm.
Gardner doesn't want Jim.
He wants Shelly to fill in for Walter.
Shelly? Wait, Shelly Tinkle? That Shelly Tinkle? Yes, Martin, this Shelly Tinkle.
[crying, laughing.]
[crying continues.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes.
Mr.
Blunt, I was wondering if you would please, uh, lower your boxer briefs.
We have to do a cavity check.
Is this really necessary, Officer? I am being released this afternoon.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Mr.
Blunt, but I'm going to need you to cooperate.
But surely there are exceptions.
I was held all weekend in the precinct.
I have no contraband, no weapons.
Why does everybody fight me? You know, just just once, I-I would love it if there was no resistance.
Will you please try and see it from my perspective? No! You see this from my perspective! If I could be a social worker or play the piano professionally, I would jump at the chance.
But unfortunately, that is not where life brought me.
So please turn around, drop your goddamn shorts.
Okay, not bad.
You must work out.
[gloves snap.]
Jacks.
One small bag of marbles.
Three metal army figures.
Oh, I like these.
One pink gumball.
One red gumball.
One common fishing lure.
Three Magnum condoms.
I used to be in a relationship.
Tweezers.
Travel sewing kit.
Baby doll head.
Pirate's eye patch.
Tube of denture glue.
Oh, that's for the major.
Rabbit's foot.
Bronzed baby shoe.
- Bag of tomato seeds.
- Yeah.
Water-based lube.
Same relationship.
- Desiccated frog.
- It's a desiccated toad.
Desiccated toad.
Rosary beads.
Hershey bar.
Thimble.
Hand buzzer.
Alcohol flask.
Anything else? Oh, let me check my left pocket.
MAN: Fresh meat! We got fresh meat! "In the middle of the journey of our life, "I found myself in a dark wood where the straight way was lost.
" - Robert Frost? - No, sir.
Dante, the Inferno.
Dante? - Please, Harry, try not to despair.
- MAN: Oh, yeah.
We're going to be all right.
Though I do wonder where Rafe is.
Fresh meat! We got fresh meat! Why are they carrying on like this, Harry? It's too early for lunch.
I believe in this instance, sir, the fresh meat they're referring to is us.
Oh! [barking.]
When we get out of here, Harry, and I finish my work on the drought, I want to do a story on prison reform.
MAN: Hey, Red.
I like redheads.
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
" SHELLY: We'll start with the news of the day, but then at the end of the broadcast, I'll talk about how much Walter has meant to me as a boss, surrogate father, mentor, British person.
He's not dead, Shelly.
God.
Hey, Jim, I was in the middle of a thought.
Please try not to interrupt me ever again.
For the B block, we can go with my piece on the rise of Ivy-educated single mothers because they can't find decent men.
[chuckles.]
Uh, but what do we have for the C block? Or as I like to call it, the C-section.
Well, I was thinking we could go with Walter's drought diet piece.
Yes, great idea, Jim.
Have you stand next to the screen and point at a hamburger and then tell the audience that one hamburger equals 660 gallons of water.
- I love that.
- No.
No more drought stories.
The drought killed Walter's career.
I'm not gonna let it take me down.
Shelly, Walter's career is not destroyed.
Fine, whatever.
But it doesn't matter because Gardner emailed me and he said he doesn't want any more drought coverage.
And Bronson feels the same way.
Bronson? Wow.
And this is my big debut.
To kick off, we need Shelly Tinkle stories.
Stories that snap.
Stories that crackle.
Stories that pop.
This is a newscast, not a breakfast cereal.
[laughter.]
Martin, you're fired.
- Wha uh, can she do that? - Of course not.
Celia, I love you, but don't challenge me in front of the group.
Don't tell Celia not to challenge you in front of the group, in front of the group.
Don't tell me what I can do in front of the group in front of the group, in front of the group.
Am I fired or not? - Not.
- Not.
I'm so frustrated, Harry.
Try using your Kegel muscle, sir.
No, it's not that.
I'm anxious to get out of here.
I need to resume my coverage of the drought.
Oh, can you just let go of the drought for one moment, sir? No, I can't, Harry.
The Rudolphs have got away with murder and I have to stop them.
[bars rattle.]
Blunt, Chandler, lunch.
It's only 10:30 in the morning.
We do things early around here.
Think of it as brunch.
[toilet flushes.]
Hold on, Harry.
I flushed prematurely.
No, no, no, no, no! I don't like any of this.
None of it snaps.
None of it crackles.
None of it pops.
Jesus, Shelly, what are you gonna do on-air tonight? - Read from your diary? - Jim, you're fired! How about this? There's a study that fatalities brought on by driving while texting have surpassed drunk driving deaths.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, Tinkle likes this.
It's gruesome.
Tell me more.
Well, recently two people in Ohio were texting and they had a head-on collision and died.
What makes it even more horrible and strange is they were texting each other.
Oh, see, you two? This is what I'm looking for.
And you, great work.
We should, um, get a drink in my office after the broadcast.
All right, I'm off to wardrobe.
Gardner wants me to wear something Fox Newsy.
You know, nipply.
[laughs.]
Yay! [prisoners chatting.]
Oh, there's Rafe.
Thank God.
Rafe, how are you, son? Well, let's put it this way, it's a good thing they took my shoelaces.
It's going to be all right.
UBS legal will get us all out of here, I promise.
Yeah, but there's a warrant for me for that damn bar fight in Reno.
I never thought it would catch up with me.
I'm looking at at least 18 months.
I can fix it, I swear.
My arraignment is this afternoon.
Walter, I heard about your troubles.
Oh, Jesus.
Isn't it strange that we should both end up here? Yes, it is strange, Mr.
Adler.
Who can understand life? Or destiny? No one, I guess.
Can I sit with you? This is Harry.
Right, uh, we met when I took Walter hostage.
Still waiting on the grand jury if you can believe it.
And this is my son Rafe.
- Hey.
- Nice grip.
So what happened? You crossed Rudolph Global and they framed you? Exactly.
I always knew those bastards were against recycled water, and the vote for Proposition 68's in a few days.
Duncan, hey, you have any condoms? I'll trade you cigarettes.
No, I'm sorry, I don't, Curly.
Damn.
What about you boys? - No.
- No.
Do most prisoners practice safe sex? I'd be reassured to think they do.
I know I do.
I'm so paranoid about STDs, I don't even like to come on myself.
WALTER: So, you've acclimated very well, Mr.
Adler.
Well, I'll tell you, Walter, this place is like one big happy orgy.
Do not believe what you hear on the outside.
Most of the sex in here is consensual.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
What I've learned is there's a lot of bisexuality in the world, but it's only in here that the guys feel safe enough to express it.
This could be useful for the major's story on prison reform.
Well, they have a saying in here a cell doesn't have to be a closet.
It's kind of beautiful.
Duncan, Angel can't make it to the reading today.
He got shivved.
You're gonna have to find somebody else to play Nina.
Shivved? Damn it, he would have been so great in that part.
He's a member of the Oscar Wilde Players, my theater group.
You remember.
Anyways, would you like to join? We're doing The Seagull.
Except I don't have a Nina.
Um I'll play Nina.
Well, I've always wanted to act.
But my old man pushed me into sports.
Blunt, you have a visitor.
- Who is it? - I don't know.
I'm not your fucking secretary.
Let's move it.
Hey, Duncan, I'm really looking forward to the reading.
Thanks, Butch.
Thanks.
He's one of our biggest fans.
He'll be there later.
CELIA: Jim.
Jim.
Jim, are you there? Uh, yeah.
Celia, hi.
Hi.
Can you believe what a jerk Shelly's being? Yeah, I I know.
She's already cracking under the pressure.
Poor thing, but Tinkle the Terrible doesn't need to take it out on us.
Maybe I should, uh, tinkle on her bicycle like a dog.
- I'm wearing the cowl.
- Oh.
[laughs.]
It's it's nice to hear your voice on our private line.
It's been almost two weeks.
Hey, Jim, can I come over? I miss your face.
Yeah, com you can come over.
Fuck! Jim? Or should I not? Jim? Celia, ye uh, ye ah, God damn it! Celia, yes, come over.
Celia, come on over, yeah.
- Rosalie.
- [gasps.]
- Walter, my poor darling.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, no affection.
What are you doing here? My arraignment is at 5:00.
- It's been postponed.
- Oh, fucking hell! Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- For how long? - At least a week.
The judge is making an example of you.
But the vote.
I have to get back on-air, Rosalie.
I have to.
Who's filling in for me tonight? Jim? No.
Shelly.
That's who Bob wants.
Shelly? She's too junior.
Rosalie, you've got to do something.
You've got to get me out of here.
Do you give me permission to pursue the nuclear option? What's the nuclear option? If I told you, you'd say no.
Yes! [applause.]
Ahem, today's reading will be The Seagull by Anton Chekhov.
Joining us fresh out of solitary Mr.
Tiny Luzinski playing Servant.
- Tiny! - [cheering.]
Tiny.
I just spoke with Rosalie.
It's not looking good.
Not good at all.
They postponed the arraignment.
TINY: Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks, everyone.
It's really good to be out of the hole.
I appreciated all those cards.
And I'll be playing Trigorin.
[applause.]
Please, please.
Ha, stop.
Thank you.
And new to the Oscar Wilde Players, replacing Angel, is a man who's in for accessory to murder and assaulting a police officer, he's also wanted in Nevada, please welcome Mr.
Rafe Blunt to the family! [cheering.]
Your boy.
Shelly, I have the story ready on the virus that's only affecting the Republican Party.
[groans.]
Shelly, what are you doing? What? What are you doing? I have the Republican virus story.
What are you doing? [sighs.]
Martin I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm gonna fail.
I always fail.
Shelly, what what are you talking about? All my life, I rise to the top of whatever I do and then I sabotage it, because I don't think I really deserve success.
I deserve shit.
I deserve shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit - Oh, my God.
Shelly! Shelly.
Shelly! - shit, shit, shit, shit! - Stop, stop, please.
- Martin, hold me.
I'm scared.
Okay.
Oh, I'm not ready to be an anchorwoman.
Or an anchorperson.
You've been a jerk, Shelly, but I won't let you fail.
I promise.
[sniffles.]
Master.
Master Trigorin.
Your your your cane.
Thank you, Yakov.
How could I have forgotten? Wait, Trigorin.
I have come to an irrevocable decision.
The die is cast.
I am going on the stage.
I'm deserting my father.
I'm abandoning everything.
I am beginning life anew.
I am going as you are to Moscow.
We shall meet there.
Come, come.
Go to the Hotel Slavianski Bazar.
Let me know as soon as you get there.
I shall be at Grosholski House on Moltchanofka Street.
I must go now.
Just one more minute with you, please.
You are so beautiful.
What bliss to think that I shall see you again so soon.
I shall see those glorious eyes again.
That wonderful, ineffably tender smile.
Those gentle features with their expression of angelic purity.
[applause.]
Yeah! [cheering.]
Goose bumps.
I've got goose bumps.
Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! [cheering.]
Jim, open up.
Martin wants me to apologize for being an asshole and a jerk and a dick.
- I think that's it.
- Don't forget douche.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Uh, also douche.
I've I've been a douche.
Celia! But we were supposed to get a drink after work so I could seduce you.
Sorry, too late.
I came in here to apologize because I thought you guys were mad at me and you're in here kissing like a bunch of schoolgirls.
Just 'cause we're kissing like schoolgirls doesn't mean you can't apologize.
I'm sorry I've been crazy with power.
Now you two have three minutes to make out and then it's back to work.
- Okay.
Good.
Bye.
- Okay.
Bye.
Mmm.
This prison doesn't feel so different from the real world.
We all walk about on our little paths thinking we're going somewhere, but actually going nowhere.
What the hell are you talking about, Harry? Don't depress me even further.
But being here now, sir, I feel as if I've been in jail all my life.
My fears were the walls of that prison.
I can see that now.
I don't like this, Harry.
You and Rafe are taking to this prison life far too easily.
But not me.
I shall rail against my confinement.
Oh, I know, sir, but No, I want out, Harry.
I need to fight the Rudolphs.
[clanking.]
You got another visitor, Mr.
Blunt.
Another visitor? Yeah.
By the way, your son was a great Nina.
What a performance.
It was honest and real and sexy.
Ronnie! Walter.
What the hell are you doing here? Rosalie great gal, by the way told me to tell you that I am your nuclear option.
[imitates explosion.]
I don't understand.
I'm your new lawyer, Walter, and I am here to set you and Harry free from this birdcage.
What? How? I told you I used to work for the DA and I got a lot of dirt on this judge, so it was easy twisting his nipples to get you out on bail.
- What about my son? - First of all, you're welcome.
With Rafe, I hit a roadblock.
I don't have pull in Reno, but I'm working on it.
So when can Harry and I get out of this place? Now.
Get your things and meet me out front.
Could you take me to UBS? - I could still make the broadcast.
- Of course.
You're a client now.
You've got privileges.
Ronnie, I have underestimated you.
Good, because you haven't seen my bill yet.
[laughs.]
Rafe, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, okay.
Duncan and I are just working on tomorrow's play.
Our Town.
I'm playing Emily, a young woman who dies in childbirth.
He's perfect for it.
- Your son has a lot of talent, Walter.
- Thank you.
Rafe You surprised me with that kiss today.
I wasn't expecting tongue.
Good thing I brushed my teeth.
Rafe, please.
I need a moment.
Yeah, what is it? Harry and I are getting out of this place.
We got a new lawyer.
Unfortunately he couldn't get you released.
- Oh - But he's on it.
Okay, Dad.
I'll be fine.
Duncan's here.
[chuckles.]
I love you, Rafe.
Shelly, are you ready? I'm ready.
I'm more than ready.
Good.
You look wonderful.
- Your nipples are fantastic.
- Oh, thanks, Rosalie.
You'll start with Hurricane Shiloh.
- It just got upgraded to a level four.
- Got it.
Uh, I made a few edits to Martin's Republican virus story.
Excellent.
You're amazing, Jim.
Here are the latest facts on texting deaths.
Thank you, Celia.
You're as smart as you are beautiful.
Oh, my God, Shelly.
Your nipples look great.
I know, Rosalie already told me.
That's because we have the same taste in nipples.
- We sure do.
- Rosalie! Everyone! - Walter.
- We made it.
I don't need make-up.
I just need to be wired.
Shelly, go to the desk.
Everyone else, to your stations.
- But Walter - Now! What's going on? I texted you.
I told you Ronnie got us released.
I know.
I called Gardner immediately, but until all the charges are dropped, you are suspended.
No! I need to broadcast.
To hell with Gardner.
You can't do that, Walter.
You'll destroy everything.
But but, Rosalie, th the Rudolphs Walter, please.
You are suspended.
I don't care.
Major.
Major, you have to listen to Rosalie.
The time to fight will come.
Three, two, one.
Good evening and welcome to Blunt Talk.
Filling in for Walter Blunt, this is Shelly Tinkle doing her thing.
Off the Gulf Coast of Florida, Hurricane Shiloh is rapidly gaining strength and Floridians are once again girding themselves for yet another superstorm in these most catastrophic of times.
You can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it You can't fight it You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it You can't fight nature No, no, no, no, no Oh, I remember As a child that special autumn day The wind blew through the trees As they danced and they swayed People come and people go Some of them happy Some of them so sad My greatest joy Unh, was watching this couple Holding hands There was a certain magic Between this woman and her man And I turned to my father And I asked, "Why do they act this way?" And these are the words he had to say 'Cause you can't fight nature You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it Ooh-hoo You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it
Why are you called the Oscar Wildes? Because we're the unfairly imprisoned.
You know what else I like is that Shelly Tinkle.
Put her on-air again.
She's playful, sexy, electric.
[howls.]
I feel like my heart can hold both of you.
I work for a private dick named Arbogast.
He tells me where to go and what to do, but not what for.
Mr.
Arbogast? Oh, shit.
Looks like his head's been bashed in.
Oh, something like this could have done it.
- No, Harry, put that down! - [screaming.]
Pull yourself together.
You're not Lady Macbeth.
The police will sort this out.
Oh, my God, sir.
The logbook.
He died clutching the logbook.
They'll think I killed him.
Cuff both of them.
No, that won't be necessary.
- Ah! - Hey, easy with the old man.
Don't put your hands on me.
- [groans.]
- Rafe! Blunt Talk.
So you're very devoted to Mr.
Blunt, aren't you? Yeah, you could say that I'm devoted to the major.
And if anyone threatened the major, that would upset you and you would be angry with that person, correct? Naturally.
And this, uh this logbook, uh, can you explain what it is? It's my life's work.
So it's very precious to you? Yes.
I think of it as the human genome of literature.
- What do you mean? - Well, you see, by trying to understand one man, Walter Blunt, like looking at one strand of DNA, my mission has been to comprehend all of humanity.
Its delights and its demons.
Its triumphs and its tragedies.
And you ask me if it's precious? [slurping.]
Can I have another milk shake? [Ride of the Valkyries playing.]
Walter, what's going on? WALTER: Rosalie, I'm at LA Central.
- This is my one phone call.
- What happened? Harry and Rafe and I have been arrested for the murder of Arbogast.
Oh, my God! Did you do it? No, of course not.
But I can't reach my lawyer.
He's not answering his phone.
That's because he's in Romania on vacation.
I'll call UBS legal, get someone down there right away.
Mr.
Blunt, terminate the call.
You're up.
Shit, uh, Rosalie, I have to go.
All right, Walter.
I I love you.
I love you, Rosalie.
- Mr.
Blunt.
- Yes, okay.
What's going on? [sighs.]
Walter, Harry, and Rafe have been arrested for the murder of that private dick Arbogast.
Oh, my God, am I dreaming? [slurps.]
What's a private dick? So explain to us again the nature of your relationship with Harry Chandler.
It doesn't seem normal.
He's my man, my valet.
My manservant and my friend.
- So he's kind of like a butler? - No, it's more personal than that.
A butler usually heads up a household.
You said he was your man.
Does that mean lover? - Would you lie to us to protect him? - He's not my lover! All right, let me try and explain.
Harry and I served in the Falklands together.
[laughs.]
- What's so funny? - I don't know.
Whenever I hear the word Falklands, I laugh.
- Where's my lawyer? - He's on his way.
You don't have to talk to us, you know.
I know that.
I also know that I have nothing to hide.
I want to be cooperative.
Rudolph Global Okay, before we get back into your conspiracy theories, I have another question to ask.
What is the logbook? Your man seems to be very protective of it.
Yeah, he said, um, "It's my Swann's Way and I'm Proust.
" - Would he kill for it? - Harry compared himself to Proust? I thought it was a reach myself.
Well, Harry can be irrational when it comes to the logbook, but he would never, ever commit Irrational? As in crazy? I'll wait for my lawyer.
[door opens.]
[panting.]
Walter, I made it.
We did everything we could to have them released this weekend, but now they've all been transferred to the county jail in Chinatown.
"Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.
" This is not the time to be quoting movies, Jim.
[scoffs.]
Rosemary's Baby.
Chinatown.
Do they know about Walter's bathroom issues? They do.
The one VIP privilege we were able to swing is that Walter and Harry can share a cell.
Well, that's not too bad.
Walter won't mind going in front of Harry.
The arraignment was set for today at 5:00, but the judge is a nasty old tumor and he's delayed it a week.
Oh, God.
Walter must be crushed.
Well, he doesn't know yet.
I have to go tell him.
God, well, what are we gonna do, Rosalie? - Are we off the air? - No.
I spoke to Bob half an hour ago.
He's in New York with Bronson.
They want Blunt Talk to keep going.
- Bob wants - Me to take over.
Okay, I'm ready.
I just I just need to shave.
I love it when you shave.
Your beautiful mole comes out of hiding.
- You like my mole? - Mmm.
Gardner doesn't want Jim.
He wants Shelly to fill in for Walter.
Shelly? Wait, Shelly Tinkle? That Shelly Tinkle? Yes, Martin, this Shelly Tinkle.
[crying, laughing.]
[crying continues.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes.
Mr.
Blunt, I was wondering if you would please, uh, lower your boxer briefs.
We have to do a cavity check.
Is this really necessary, Officer? I am being released this afternoon.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Mr.
Blunt, but I'm going to need you to cooperate.
But surely there are exceptions.
I was held all weekend in the precinct.
I have no contraband, no weapons.
Why does everybody fight me? You know, just just once, I-I would love it if there was no resistance.
Will you please try and see it from my perspective? No! You see this from my perspective! If I could be a social worker or play the piano professionally, I would jump at the chance.
But unfortunately, that is not where life brought me.
So please turn around, drop your goddamn shorts.
Okay, not bad.
You must work out.
[gloves snap.]
Jacks.
One small bag of marbles.
Three metal army figures.
Oh, I like these.
One pink gumball.
One red gumball.
One common fishing lure.
Three Magnum condoms.
I used to be in a relationship.
Tweezers.
Travel sewing kit.
Baby doll head.
Pirate's eye patch.
Tube of denture glue.
Oh, that's for the major.
Rabbit's foot.
Bronzed baby shoe.
- Bag of tomato seeds.
- Yeah.
Water-based lube.
Same relationship.
- Desiccated frog.
- It's a desiccated toad.
Desiccated toad.
Rosary beads.
Hershey bar.
Thimble.
Hand buzzer.
Alcohol flask.
Anything else? Oh, let me check my left pocket.
MAN: Fresh meat! We got fresh meat! "In the middle of the journey of our life, "I found myself in a dark wood where the straight way was lost.
" - Robert Frost? - No, sir.
Dante, the Inferno.
Dante? - Please, Harry, try not to despair.
- MAN: Oh, yeah.
We're going to be all right.
Though I do wonder where Rafe is.
Fresh meat! We got fresh meat! Why are they carrying on like this, Harry? It's too early for lunch.
I believe in this instance, sir, the fresh meat they're referring to is us.
Oh! [barking.]
When we get out of here, Harry, and I finish my work on the drought, I want to do a story on prison reform.
MAN: Hey, Red.
I like redheads.
"Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
" SHELLY: We'll start with the news of the day, but then at the end of the broadcast, I'll talk about how much Walter has meant to me as a boss, surrogate father, mentor, British person.
He's not dead, Shelly.
God.
Hey, Jim, I was in the middle of a thought.
Please try not to interrupt me ever again.
For the B block, we can go with my piece on the rise of Ivy-educated single mothers because they can't find decent men.
[chuckles.]
Uh, but what do we have for the C block? Or as I like to call it, the C-section.
Well, I was thinking we could go with Walter's drought diet piece.
Yes, great idea, Jim.
Have you stand next to the screen and point at a hamburger and then tell the audience that one hamburger equals 660 gallons of water.
- I love that.
- No.
No more drought stories.
The drought killed Walter's career.
I'm not gonna let it take me down.
Shelly, Walter's career is not destroyed.
Fine, whatever.
But it doesn't matter because Gardner emailed me and he said he doesn't want any more drought coverage.
And Bronson feels the same way.
Bronson? Wow.
And this is my big debut.
To kick off, we need Shelly Tinkle stories.
Stories that snap.
Stories that crackle.
Stories that pop.
This is a newscast, not a breakfast cereal.
[laughter.]
Martin, you're fired.
- Wha uh, can she do that? - Of course not.
Celia, I love you, but don't challenge me in front of the group.
Don't tell Celia not to challenge you in front of the group, in front of the group.
Don't tell me what I can do in front of the group in front of the group, in front of the group.
Am I fired or not? - Not.
- Not.
I'm so frustrated, Harry.
Try using your Kegel muscle, sir.
No, it's not that.
I'm anxious to get out of here.
I need to resume my coverage of the drought.
Oh, can you just let go of the drought for one moment, sir? No, I can't, Harry.
The Rudolphs have got away with murder and I have to stop them.
[bars rattle.]
Blunt, Chandler, lunch.
It's only 10:30 in the morning.
We do things early around here.
Think of it as brunch.
[toilet flushes.]
Hold on, Harry.
I flushed prematurely.
No, no, no, no, no! I don't like any of this.
None of it snaps.
None of it crackles.
None of it pops.
Jesus, Shelly, what are you gonna do on-air tonight? - Read from your diary? - Jim, you're fired! How about this? There's a study that fatalities brought on by driving while texting have surpassed drunk driving deaths.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, Tinkle likes this.
It's gruesome.
Tell me more.
Well, recently two people in Ohio were texting and they had a head-on collision and died.
What makes it even more horrible and strange is they were texting each other.
Oh, see, you two? This is what I'm looking for.
And you, great work.
We should, um, get a drink in my office after the broadcast.
All right, I'm off to wardrobe.
Gardner wants me to wear something Fox Newsy.
You know, nipply.
[laughs.]
Yay! [prisoners chatting.]
Oh, there's Rafe.
Thank God.
Rafe, how are you, son? Well, let's put it this way, it's a good thing they took my shoelaces.
It's going to be all right.
UBS legal will get us all out of here, I promise.
Yeah, but there's a warrant for me for that damn bar fight in Reno.
I never thought it would catch up with me.
I'm looking at at least 18 months.
I can fix it, I swear.
My arraignment is this afternoon.
Walter, I heard about your troubles.
Oh, Jesus.
Isn't it strange that we should both end up here? Yes, it is strange, Mr.
Adler.
Who can understand life? Or destiny? No one, I guess.
Can I sit with you? This is Harry.
Right, uh, we met when I took Walter hostage.
Still waiting on the grand jury if you can believe it.
And this is my son Rafe.
- Hey.
- Nice grip.
So what happened? You crossed Rudolph Global and they framed you? Exactly.
I always knew those bastards were against recycled water, and the vote for Proposition 68's in a few days.
Duncan, hey, you have any condoms? I'll trade you cigarettes.
No, I'm sorry, I don't, Curly.
Damn.
What about you boys? - No.
- No.
Do most prisoners practice safe sex? I'd be reassured to think they do.
I know I do.
I'm so paranoid about STDs, I don't even like to come on myself.
WALTER: So, you've acclimated very well, Mr.
Adler.
Well, I'll tell you, Walter, this place is like one big happy orgy.
Do not believe what you hear on the outside.
Most of the sex in here is consensual.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
What I've learned is there's a lot of bisexuality in the world, but it's only in here that the guys feel safe enough to express it.
This could be useful for the major's story on prison reform.
Well, they have a saying in here a cell doesn't have to be a closet.
It's kind of beautiful.
Duncan, Angel can't make it to the reading today.
He got shivved.
You're gonna have to find somebody else to play Nina.
Shivved? Damn it, he would have been so great in that part.
He's a member of the Oscar Wilde Players, my theater group.
You remember.
Anyways, would you like to join? We're doing The Seagull.
Except I don't have a Nina.
Um I'll play Nina.
Well, I've always wanted to act.
But my old man pushed me into sports.
Blunt, you have a visitor.
- Who is it? - I don't know.
I'm not your fucking secretary.
Let's move it.
Hey, Duncan, I'm really looking forward to the reading.
Thanks, Butch.
Thanks.
He's one of our biggest fans.
He'll be there later.
CELIA: Jim.
Jim.
Jim, are you there? Uh, yeah.
Celia, hi.
Hi.
Can you believe what a jerk Shelly's being? Yeah, I I know.
She's already cracking under the pressure.
Poor thing, but Tinkle the Terrible doesn't need to take it out on us.
Maybe I should, uh, tinkle on her bicycle like a dog.
- I'm wearing the cowl.
- Oh.
[laughs.]
It's it's nice to hear your voice on our private line.
It's been almost two weeks.
Hey, Jim, can I come over? I miss your face.
Yeah, com you can come over.
Fuck! Jim? Or should I not? Jim? Celia, ye uh, ye ah, God damn it! Celia, yes, come over.
Celia, come on over, yeah.
- Rosalie.
- [gasps.]
- Walter, my poor darling.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, no affection.
What are you doing here? My arraignment is at 5:00.
- It's been postponed.
- Oh, fucking hell! Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- For how long? - At least a week.
The judge is making an example of you.
But the vote.
I have to get back on-air, Rosalie.
I have to.
Who's filling in for me tonight? Jim? No.
Shelly.
That's who Bob wants.
Shelly? She's too junior.
Rosalie, you've got to do something.
You've got to get me out of here.
Do you give me permission to pursue the nuclear option? What's the nuclear option? If I told you, you'd say no.
Yes! [applause.]
Ahem, today's reading will be The Seagull by Anton Chekhov.
Joining us fresh out of solitary Mr.
Tiny Luzinski playing Servant.
- Tiny! - [cheering.]
Tiny.
I just spoke with Rosalie.
It's not looking good.
Not good at all.
They postponed the arraignment.
TINY: Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks, everyone.
It's really good to be out of the hole.
I appreciated all those cards.
And I'll be playing Trigorin.
[applause.]
Please, please.
Ha, stop.
Thank you.
And new to the Oscar Wilde Players, replacing Angel, is a man who's in for accessory to murder and assaulting a police officer, he's also wanted in Nevada, please welcome Mr.
Rafe Blunt to the family! [cheering.]
Your boy.
Shelly, I have the story ready on the virus that's only affecting the Republican Party.
[groans.]
Shelly, what are you doing? What? What are you doing? I have the Republican virus story.
What are you doing? [sighs.]
Martin I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm gonna fail.
I always fail.
Shelly, what what are you talking about? All my life, I rise to the top of whatever I do and then I sabotage it, because I don't think I really deserve success.
I deserve shit.
I deserve shit.
Shit.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit - Oh, my God.
Shelly! Shelly.
Shelly! - shit, shit, shit, shit! - Stop, stop, please.
- Martin, hold me.
I'm scared.
Okay.
Oh, I'm not ready to be an anchorwoman.
Or an anchorperson.
You've been a jerk, Shelly, but I won't let you fail.
I promise.
[sniffles.]
Master.
Master Trigorin.
Your your your cane.
Thank you, Yakov.
How could I have forgotten? Wait, Trigorin.
I have come to an irrevocable decision.
The die is cast.
I am going on the stage.
I'm deserting my father.
I'm abandoning everything.
I am beginning life anew.
I am going as you are to Moscow.
We shall meet there.
Come, come.
Go to the Hotel Slavianski Bazar.
Let me know as soon as you get there.
I shall be at Grosholski House on Moltchanofka Street.
I must go now.
Just one more minute with you, please.
You are so beautiful.
What bliss to think that I shall see you again so soon.
I shall see those glorious eyes again.
That wonderful, ineffably tender smile.
Those gentle features with their expression of angelic purity.
[applause.]
Yeah! [cheering.]
Goose bumps.
I've got goose bumps.
Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! Chekhov! [cheering.]
Jim, open up.
Martin wants me to apologize for being an asshole and a jerk and a dick.
- I think that's it.
- Don't forget douche.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Uh, also douche.
I've I've been a douche.
Celia! But we were supposed to get a drink after work so I could seduce you.
Sorry, too late.
I came in here to apologize because I thought you guys were mad at me and you're in here kissing like a bunch of schoolgirls.
Just 'cause we're kissing like schoolgirls doesn't mean you can't apologize.
I'm sorry I've been crazy with power.
Now you two have three minutes to make out and then it's back to work.
- Okay.
Good.
Bye.
- Okay.
Bye.
Mmm.
This prison doesn't feel so different from the real world.
We all walk about on our little paths thinking we're going somewhere, but actually going nowhere.
What the hell are you talking about, Harry? Don't depress me even further.
But being here now, sir, I feel as if I've been in jail all my life.
My fears were the walls of that prison.
I can see that now.
I don't like this, Harry.
You and Rafe are taking to this prison life far too easily.
But not me.
I shall rail against my confinement.
Oh, I know, sir, but No, I want out, Harry.
I need to fight the Rudolphs.
[clanking.]
You got another visitor, Mr.
Blunt.
Another visitor? Yeah.
By the way, your son was a great Nina.
What a performance.
It was honest and real and sexy.
Ronnie! Walter.
What the hell are you doing here? Rosalie great gal, by the way told me to tell you that I am your nuclear option.
[imitates explosion.]
I don't understand.
I'm your new lawyer, Walter, and I am here to set you and Harry free from this birdcage.
What? How? I told you I used to work for the DA and I got a lot of dirt on this judge, so it was easy twisting his nipples to get you out on bail.
- What about my son? - First of all, you're welcome.
With Rafe, I hit a roadblock.
I don't have pull in Reno, but I'm working on it.
So when can Harry and I get out of this place? Now.
Get your things and meet me out front.
Could you take me to UBS? - I could still make the broadcast.
- Of course.
You're a client now.
You've got privileges.
Ronnie, I have underestimated you.
Good, because you haven't seen my bill yet.
[laughs.]
Rafe, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, okay.
Duncan and I are just working on tomorrow's play.
Our Town.
I'm playing Emily, a young woman who dies in childbirth.
He's perfect for it.
- Your son has a lot of talent, Walter.
- Thank you.
Rafe You surprised me with that kiss today.
I wasn't expecting tongue.
Good thing I brushed my teeth.
Rafe, please.
I need a moment.
Yeah, what is it? Harry and I are getting out of this place.
We got a new lawyer.
Unfortunately he couldn't get you released.
- Oh - But he's on it.
Okay, Dad.
I'll be fine.
Duncan's here.
[chuckles.]
I love you, Rafe.
Shelly, are you ready? I'm ready.
I'm more than ready.
Good.
You look wonderful.
- Your nipples are fantastic.
- Oh, thanks, Rosalie.
You'll start with Hurricane Shiloh.
- It just got upgraded to a level four.
- Got it.
Uh, I made a few edits to Martin's Republican virus story.
Excellent.
You're amazing, Jim.
Here are the latest facts on texting deaths.
Thank you, Celia.
You're as smart as you are beautiful.
Oh, my God, Shelly.
Your nipples look great.
I know, Rosalie already told me.
That's because we have the same taste in nipples.
- We sure do.
- Rosalie! Everyone! - Walter.
- We made it.
I don't need make-up.
I just need to be wired.
Shelly, go to the desk.
Everyone else, to your stations.
- But Walter - Now! What's going on? I texted you.
I told you Ronnie got us released.
I know.
I called Gardner immediately, but until all the charges are dropped, you are suspended.
No! I need to broadcast.
To hell with Gardner.
You can't do that, Walter.
You'll destroy everything.
But but, Rosalie, th the Rudolphs Walter, please.
You are suspended.
I don't care.
Major.
Major, you have to listen to Rosalie.
The time to fight will come.
Three, two, one.
Good evening and welcome to Blunt Talk.
Filling in for Walter Blunt, this is Shelly Tinkle doing her thing.
Off the Gulf Coast of Florida, Hurricane Shiloh is rapidly gaining strength and Floridians are once again girding themselves for yet another superstorm in these most catastrophic of times.
You can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it You can't fight it You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it You can't fight nature No, no, no, no, no Oh, I remember As a child that special autumn day The wind blew through the trees As they danced and they swayed People come and people go Some of them happy Some of them so sad My greatest joy Unh, was watching this couple Holding hands There was a certain magic Between this woman and her man And I turned to my father And I asked, "Why do they act this way?" And these are the words he had to say 'Cause you can't fight nature You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it No, no, no You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it Ooh-hoo You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it You can't fight it, no, you can't fight it