Bored to Death (2009) s02e08 Episode Script

( Theme music playing ) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
( whistle blows ) - Nina: Thank you.
- Yeah.
( Sighs ) So what do you have to do today? You want to spend it in bed? I'd love to, but I can't.
I've got my Midwood College interview.
- I'm nervous about it.
- I'd hire you.
I think you were a great teacher.
I've got to say, Nina, last night was incredible.
- It was an amazing first date.
- I know.
When I get going I'm like a bee's nest.
- So you think I should move in? - What? Well, I'm going to be kicked out of my room in Bushwick in a few days and, um, I lost my job.
I might have to move back to Portland to be with my parents.
You'd leave New York? But we just met.
We had such a great night.
I know.
That's why I think I should move in.
I already know I want to be with you every night.
Also, I'm going to be homeless.
God, Nina, this is so sudden.
Um do I have a little time to think about this your moving in? Sure.
Is two days enough time? I guess.
- ( Cell phone rings) - I'm sorry.
One second.
- Hello? - You gotta get over here right now.
I'm having a crisis and an emergency.
Right now? I'm sort of in the middle of someone uh, something.
Yes, right now.
I need you, okay? I'll be over there in five minutes, Hello? God damn it.
He always hangs up on me.
As you know, George, we're all very happy you don't have cancer.
It's just wonderful.
I'm so relieved.
- Thank you.
- But since it was a false alarm, we do need to do something about that failed drug test.
But that marijuana was for my cancer.
Cancer that you didn't have, George.
Yes, but I didn't know that at the time.
George, please.
We're going to have you evaluated by our substance abuse expert.
- Oh! - He will determine a course of treatment.
It'll either be rehab in Arizona or an outpatient treatment here in New York.
Kathryn, this is ridiculous.
Rehab? What about a a a sanitarium? I would do that.
You know, it's more romantic.
It's more Zelda Fitzgerald.
But rehab? Going to rehab is company protocol.
We can't make exceptions.
All right, all right, all right.
What if I promised that I would just quit, go cold turkey? I wouldn't believe you.
My stalker sent me 12 e-mails last night, all of them rude.
And this was left downstairs in the vestibule this morning! Oh man, this is really creepy.
There's some sort of a blade sticking out of your shoulder.
It is a nib of an X-Acto knife.
A nib? I like that word.
- Nib.
Nib.
Nib.
- Jonathan! This is serious! This is some kind of sick voodoo doll.
We gotta confront this guy.
He was right here in my building.
- Oh shit.
- What? He gave Super Ray a beautiful vagina.
Your stalker is a really talented seamstress but no anus.
Give me this! ( growls ) I'm really sorry about this, Ray.
Who do you think it could be? I don't know.
Kevin Bacon? He was weird when I met him.
No, I don't think a celebrity would do such a thing.
Maybe there's a clue in the e-mails.
- What's this? - That's my Super Ray outfit.
I was going to wear it tonight at the Brooklyn Comic Con.
- I thought my fans would like it.
- God, it's strange that you should make a Super Ray outfit and your stalker should make a Super Ray doll.
It's like when there were two Truman Capote movies.
This is nothing like that! We have to find this guy.
Will you concentrate on that, please? I think we need outside help.
I have a source who owes me.
It's time I collected.
So this was left on your door at your house? Yes.
And there was a nib of an X-Acto knife in the shoulder, but it fell out when I threw the thing.
- A nib? - You can see why we're concerned.
Yes yes.
Do you think that this guy could make me one? Okay, it's a doll with a police uniform one of these underneath, you know, all secret? This isn't some friend of ours that custom-makes voodoo dolls! This is a deranged stalker! Officer Drake, please! We need you to focus.
I'm so sorry, fellas.
I really am.
You know I have issues.
I just sorry.
Is there any way you can track down who sent these e-mails? Well, I mean, anybody can open up a Hotmail account.
It's very easy.
But there is, uh, the same unique IP address on all of these.
You could run a trace and then you can get a location on the computer.
Great.
That's what we need.
Thank you! Whoa! Hey! I I can't help you, Jonathan.
I would love to, but I could lose my job.
- I can't do that.
- Office Drake, there were complications involved in your case that I never told you about.
But I went to great lengths for you, as did Ray.
Yeah, it's because of you I got shot in the head, then I had to go New Jersey and have breakfast with Jonathan's parents.
- Oh God.
That's awful.
- There's also the matter of my fee.
Oh, I really I keep meaning to pay you.
It's just that every time I Do this for me, and your debt will be canceled.
And you can keep the doll.
- Really? - Yes.
All right.
Wait here.
I'll be right back.
Cops.
Unbelievable.
If he sticks a pencil up my twat and I feel it, I'm gonna regret this.
I knew Officer Drake would come through for us.
This must be it.
Great, it's a public computer.
Anybody could have used it.
I don't think so.
Look "For patrons only.
" - He must be a patron.
- Oh yeah, you're right.
Nobody disobeys a handwritten sign.
How much money do you have on you? A lot.
The comic book's selling like crazy.
Good.
We just need to rewind this tape to the time the last e-mail was sent and we should be able to get a good look at our guy.
And look, there he is! Damn.
We can't see his face.
- Do you recognize this guy? - I recognize his hat.
He wears it all the time.
He's a guest here.
What's his name and what room is he in? - Make it 40? - Don't push it, clerk.
( Knocking ) John Doe-Smith, are you in there? I can't believe he has such a weak alias.
I know.
The voodoo puppet showed a lot of creativity, but his fake name is definitely lacking.
Though hyphenating Doe-Smith is sort of interesting.
Anybody home? Ray: Any stalkers? Oh my God.
He's practically wallpapered this place with "Super Ray" comics.
He must have bought 10 copies.
It's like you have your own serial killer.
At least he helped the sales.
You know, Ray, I do have my Midwood College interview at 5:00, but we could probably stake this place out for a little while, wait and see if he shows up and then confront him.
Okay.
Do you think it's safe to eat my stalker's food? Is it open? If it's open I don't think we want contact with his germs.
It's not open.
And it's organic.
Then it's probably safe.
So before I begin the evaluation, Mr.
Christopher, I just want you to know I'm a big fan.
I read your "By George" column for years.
Really? Well, thank you.
Anyway, um, from your test results, Mr.
Christopher, it appears your drug of choice is marijuana.
- Is that correct? - It's my first choice, yes.
So what does marijuana give you? Well, I become more aware of how beautiful everything is.
And what does marijuana take away from you, Mr.
Christopher? Off the top of my head, I'd say boredom, loneliness, pain.
And are you in pain because you feel unlovable, unknowable and shrouded in secrets? Yes.
I do feel that way, actually.
I I mean I put on a brave front and all that, but you know, inside I tear at myself with claws.
How do you feel here at the workplace? Like Moby Dick.
I mean, they stick me with dozens of harpoons.
So you're clawed on the inside and harpooned on the outside.
- Yeah.
- That's how I feel.
I suppress a lot of anger.
Secretly, I'm like a tea kettle, always ready to scream out in agony.
What do you do about it? I pray, and I try to help others, and I wear a mouth guard at night.
Oh right, okay.
Well, I've made my diagnosis.
You are a marijuana addict with narcissistic personality disorder.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Why the narcissistic part? Oh, no no.
No, that was a gift.
So I'm recommending to your superior that you do two months of rehab in Arizona.
What? Two months! Oh no.
That's not possible! You said you were a fan! Come on, cut me a deal! - A deal? - Well Mr.
Christopher, I'm making my prescription because I'm a fan.
I don't want you to be in pain any more.
- ( Door opens) - Excuse me, Mr.
Christopher, there's something I really need to show you.
I don't tolerate interruptions during therapeutic evaluations! - What is your name? - Er, what is your name? It's Steven, Mr.
Christopher.
- With a "V" or a "PH"? - A "V.
" Evaluator: Close your mouth.
Jonathan: Do you think it's crazy to let Nina move in? - Yes.
- But the sex was incredible.
It actually felt meaningful.
Then definitely don't let her move in.
I had meaningful sex with Leah once a month, - look what happened to me.
- Right.
- Oh shit, I better leave soon for my interview.
- Shh shh.
- ( Keys jangle ) - ( Lock clicks ) - ( cell phone ringing ) - Jonathan: Oh, he's making a run for it! - He's heading for the roof! - Get him! He killed himself.
Holy shit.
He knows Parkour.
That's right.
Run, you asshole! I can find you now! You hear me, you seamstress? Seamstress.
- What are you doing? - Anything your stalker can do, I can do! Stop! No no no no no.
Oh God God.
Ahh! Jonathan, are you all right? I twisted my ankle! He got away.
I'm sorry I let you down! You're an idiot.
Thanks for understanding.
Ow! George: I can't believe this.
I feel a profound revulsion in my spine, in my in my liver, in my kidneys, my gallbladder, in my uh what are some other organs? I'm so upset, I'm blanking.
- Is is the stomach an organ? - I-I think so.
Right, of course, of course it is.
I'm I'm horrified.
I feel the same way, Mr.
Christopher.
Good boy, good boy.
You know something? They've been neutering me for months around here and I'm not going to take it any more.
I'm gonna fight back.
Do I, uh do I look okay? Trim and elegant.
Thank you, Walter.
Thank you.
Hello.
I'm Jonathan Ames.
I have an appointment with Dean Saunders.
You're late.
Have a seat.
- Hello, Jonathan.
- Oh no.
You saw my winning story in "The New Yorker"? Oh, you're limping.
That makes me happy.
I'm glad something makes you happy.
You're not interviewing for the creative writing job, are you? Of course I am.
Dean Saunders is a friend.
It seems impossible to fathom, but is that why you're here? Yes, Louis, I'm also applying.
Your proclivity for self-destruction is morbidly fascinating, but why do you set yourself up for failure time and time again? Shut up, Louis.
Don't talk to me.
Ooh, such anger! You know, for people like yourself, there have been amazing advancements in brain surgery.
A lobotomy is not the mark of shame it once was.
Snip snip.
- How dare you? Pick it up.
- No, you pick it up.
I will not pick it up, for you will be the one picking it up.
- No I won't.
- Yes you will.
- No I won't.
- Ow! I can't believe you pinched me! Ugh! Your breath smells like cat food again.
It's pate, you stoner Philistine.
We'll be in touch.
Gentlemen.
- Dean Saunders.
- Dean Saunders.
Louis Greene is next, Dean.
He was on time.
- Come in, Louis.
- Sure.
Good to see you.
Thank you.
Snip snip.
Oh, this is wonderful.
Kathryn I've reached my limit.
This is too much.
It's the final harpoon! - What? Harpoon? - Never mind.
It doesn't matter.
Look, I just want you to get on the phone, call your bosses in Dallas, and tell them to retract this garbage immediately! I can't do that, George.
This this cover is important to them.
They won't bend.
I know it.
They want the magazine to be more on the Right.
The Right? But the Right doesn't know what to do! Nobody in American politics knows what to do.
Well, that's a very pessimistic viewpoint, George.
No, it's an intelligent viewpoint we're all idiots.
Now let's just stick with the opera issue as planned and just drop this political bullshit, please.
The cover is staying, George.
Fine.
I will call Dallas myself.
Fine.
You can if you want to, but they'll ignore you.
( Brief sigh ) Wow.
Um then I quit.
The magazine doesn't need me any more and frankly I don't need it.
It's a love affair that's come to an end.
And I'm going to drink as much booze and smoke as much pot as I want.
Thank you very much! - George - No, Kathryn.
There's no changing my mind.
I am sorry.
No no no, I don't want you to.
I think you're doing the right thing.
You're not happy here and I don't blame you.
Right.
So if you'd like, maybe we could have dinner sometime.
Now that you're not working here, I'd love to get to know you outside of the office.
( Huffs ) Louis: There, that's his illegal ad on craigslist offering his services as a private detective.
You know, it wouldn't surprise me if he was also on there as a prostitute.
Saunders: This is very unusual, Louis.
It's just the tip of the iceberg.
I once saw him inhale an entire bag of cocaine.
- Really? - That's not true.
Also, if you look at him closely his forehead is very narrow.
Phrenology skull assessment has long been a hobby of mine.
In fact, Dean, your skull has perfect symmetry.
Did you know that? - What are you doing here? - You shouldn't listen to Greene! - He hates me! - This is what I'm talking about.
He's unstable.
- I'm not unstable.
- Obviously there was some kind of birth trauma.
Oh, and his novel was full of typos.
I'm going to kill you, Louis! - Stay away from me, you subnormal.
- Dean: Security.
- Jonathan: Stop! - Don't point your pointy head at me.
Jonathan: My head is normal, you jerk.
Louis: Look at yourself! You're a carnival freak.
Stay away.
Jonathan: Well, I didn't get the job, but it was one of the best interviews I ever had.
One of the security guards slapped Greene and I felt joy.
I'm happy for you.
Besides, as a writer and detective, I'm my own boss.
No one can tell me what to do, like some dean.
We're both our own bosses now.
You know, without "Edition," I can do anything I want.
I can open a restaurant.
I can start an internet magazine.
I mean, hell, I could finally go to Tangiers and smoke hashish.
You can come too if you like.
I'd love to.
Am I overdressed? George: I am so proud of our Ray.
Yeah, it's incredible.
I think people are responding so strongly to the comic because it's all about his love for Leah and wanting to win her back.
I agree.
It has a beautiful message.
I just want you to know that your comic really helped me.
So thank you.
You're welcome.
( Mutters ) George, you remember that girl from my class, Nina? Yes, the cute blonde.
Yeah well, we've started dating and she already wants to live with me.
Have you ever let someone move in right after sleeping with them? Yes, three times.
Always disastrous.
- So I shouldn't do it? - Oh no, you should definitely do it.
It could be fun until it, you know, falls apart.
There's always a slight chance it could work, so you know, why not? Oh my God, look at her.
Jonathan: Whoa.
What a costume.
Yeah, I-I have to go talk to her.
I've always had this thing for Wonder Woman.
But I thought you were into vampires and armpits.
Did you really put your cock on the third rail to get your superpowers? Of course I did.
Should I try it? Yes, but, uh, wait until you're 21.
All right.
Thank you.
( Silent ) Oh no! An X-Acto knife.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
- Man: Hey, watch it! Hey! ( Yells ) Ray! The X-Acto knife! George! George! The X-Acto knife! Stop talking to Wonder Woman! Ray, I'm coming! Excuse me.
I'm coming, Ray! It's an X-Acto knife! It's an X-Acto knife! Ow! Shit! Woman: Nice job, man! - Good job.
- Thank you.
I'll apply pressure with my handkerchief! Irwin? Why did you do that? Because of you, I spent two months at Rikers and I lost my rent-controlled apartment! - How bad is that wound? - Well, it's a oh, Ray, that's a lot of blood.
Oh, boy.
Call an ambulance! I was going to tell you guys, but it was too embarrassing.
I found Irwin in bed with Leah.
I chased him out of the house, but I don't know how he ended up at Rikers.
Well, the guy must have cracked.
Rent-controlled apartments are hard to come by.
I had a beautiful one in the West Village on Jane Street for years it was like $300 a month.
Nobody gives a shit about your rent-controlled apartment right now, George.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Jonathan.
I want to thank you.
If that guy had stabbed me again, I wouldn't be here.
( Door opens ) Oh my God! Ray! Are you all right? I'm okay.
I've lost a lot of blood.
I got two stitches, but it's nothing.
No no, it was a lot of blood.
God! This is all my fault! Irwin was arrested that night in Park Slope for indecent exposure.
I never should have slept with him.
I'm so sorry, Ray.
It's okay.
I can forgive you anything, Leah.
- Ow! Ow ow ow.
- Sorry sorry! ( Silent ) ( whispers ) Let's go.
I love you, Ray.
Ray: I love you.
(bed humming) George, do you really want to go Tangiers together? Yes, I'd like to.
Or we could go to Brazil, go up the Amazon.
They have plants you can eat there that give you visions.
- I'd like a vision.
- Yeah, me too.
I'd like a really good vision.
But what do you wanna do tonight? Well, let's get stoned and get something to eat in Brooklyn.
It's not the Amazon, but we can make it lively.
Hey, Mr.
Tough Don't you think we've suffered enough? Why don't you meet me on the dance floor When it's time to talk tough? And if you need to tell me something once You won't have to say it twice And if you ask for a nickel I'm gonna hand you a dime And we'll forget about our problems Ignore 'em for a little while And leave our worries in the corner Leave 'em in a big big pile Pretend everything can be all right Pretend everything can be all right.