Boston Legal s02e08 Episode Script

Hey! Hey, pal! Jeez, what, what are you doing? Thank you.
Night terrors? I haven't had them in years.
Usually it's brought on by distress.
Maybe it's my breakup with Tara.
You jump off balconies? I could where I happen to be living.
I see images of someone or something after me and in my sleep, I run.
- It's awful.
- Last week it was clowns.
Denny how would you feel about sleeping with me? Next to me, until this passes, just to make sure I don't leap off the 14th floor.
You'll do anything to get me into bed.
Denny, night terrors, they can be potentially life-threatening.
Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something that nobody else knows.
I'm homophobic.
I'm stunned.
Look, I'd do almost anything for you, but I cannot share my bed.
Be a man.
Get a girl.
Ass fat! Pardon? Tori, let me.
She gets upset.
Okay, Tori and I have been friends since I won't even tell you how long, so when we decided to have our lips done - We had our lips done.
- We did our research.
And we found the best lip man in Boston.
Reputed to be the best.
- Yes, and he doesn't use collagen He doesn't use collagen, instead Instead he sticks a hollow needle into you, you know, back there, and he removes a sample of fat from the buttocks.
- Lasts longer than collagen.
- Oh, totally natural.
He then injects it into the lips, making them youthful and lovely.
Very hygienic.
And it was all good and fine until one day last week, we got a call We got a call from his physician's assistant.
She was present at all of the procedures, not attractive, not happy.
And she told us that our doctor Oh, god.
has been injecting his own ass fat into women's lips.
His own Yes.
We want to sue Dr.
Glouberman.
For fraud.
- Or malpractice.
- Or something.
I have the man's ass in my face.
Did you say Dr.
Glouberman, Dr.
Barry Glouberman? She's had work.
I told you.
Dr.
Glouberman is a client at this firm.
We structured his corporation, among other things, so we can't represent you in any action against him.
Well, that's stupid.
In fact, if you do sue him, I'll be the one he calls.
I can't represent you.
This whole thing is absurd.
Any number of people could have run over that old man.
But Jason's the one about to go on trial.
With an alibi.
Who happens to be his father.
Are you saying that you don't believe me? Of course we believe you.
We even believe the part about the car being stolen.
We believe it all, Ronald.
That's why you pay us.
We're not saying we can't win.
How can you not win? My son has an alibi.
There's no physical evidence linking him to the crime.
- The car.
- Which was stolen.
Jason, do you have anything to say? I did it.
Son Dad I ran that guy over.
I did it.
No, no.
I paid that.
On the, uh the, uh Yeah, well, my records clearly show that I did.
Yeah, well Yeah, well, maybe, maybe I'm the victim of identity theft, okay? Okay, maybe, maybe, I am not who I am, huh? Have you thought of that? Obviously, we can't call Jason to the stand.
We'd be suborning perjury.
I talked to the kid.
He won't admit it again.
Denny, we cannot knowingly put a client on the stand to lie.
Because? Fortunately, we may not have to.
Our only eyewitness suffers from Alzheimer's.
The state may well not be able to make their case.
What about the other witness who saw the car? Which was stolen.
Oh, right.
I keep forgetting.
I'd like you to canvass the neighborhood one last time, see if anybody else saw anything.
In the meantime, Paul, maybe you could visit our eyewitness, see what we're dealing with.
You're the one who will be crossing her, Shirley.
Those assisted living places I'm sorry, I know heebie-jeebies isn't a legal term but It needs to be you, Shirley.
You're trying this case.
You need to interview this woman.
This is ridiculous.
And the women claim that it's your old physician's assistant that's the whistle-blower.
Helen? I had to fire her.
The woman broke a needle three times in three different patients.
She was a danger to my clients.
Barry, calm down.
Yeah, it was either fire her or send my malpractice insurance screaming through the roof.
So then she turns around and sues me.
Fired for wrongful termination.
And we took care of that.
This kind of allegation alone, though What am I gonna do? We need to meet with this woman, your ex-nurse, get her to recant.
It's the best way to head this lawsuit off at the pass.
She's a vicious, spiteful, treacherous pig.
That's what she is.
I'm not gonna lead with that.
Do I need to meet with her alone, or can you be civil? Oh, are you illiterate or you just can't read? You know No, "final notice" means that it's the final notice.
Otherwise it would say, "final shutoff.
" Suppose I was in my apartment hooked up to a respirator.
I would be dead right now, okay? You would be talking to a dead person.
Melissa? Would you excuse us, please? From what I gather, you seem to be having some financial difficulties.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just a, uh a shopper.
You know, there's a certain power to being able to buy anything you want, and I don't know, have you been to the new pottery barrel? No.
No.
If you get their catalog, turn to page 37.
That's my bedroom.
Would you like to earn some extra money, Melissa? Uh, how? I have a condition.
It's called night terrors.
During the deepest levels of non-REM sleep, I hear voices, terrifying voices, and sometimes I run.
Since I'm sound asleep when I'm running, this puts me in significant physical danger.
I need somebody to guard me at night.
When you say "guard" I need you to lie in the bed with me.
Should I get up to run outside, stop me.
How stupid do you think I am? So you'll think about it? Lydia, this is Shirley Schmidt.
Hello, Lydia.
Hello.
- Who is she, Toque? - Shirley Schmidt.
She was going to talk to you about Albert being hit by the car.
Yes, I know.
Where's my apple juice? I'm getting it now.
- Your violets are lovely.
- Ceramic pots.
Never terra-cotta.
They collect salt.
But you're not here for that.
No, I'm afraid I'm not.
Here's a little one all dressed up.
My granddaughter.
Oh, she's adorable.
What's her name? You're testing me.
- I'm afraid I am.
- Her name is Julie.
She's dressed as Groucho Marx from my favorite movie of 1939, "At the circus.
" And that boy committed the crime.
People think I don't remember things, and a lot of things I don't, like names and so forth, but traumatic events? I'll never forget what happened outside that window that night.
It was horrible.
I'm sorry.
It must have been awful for you.
Toque? This is orange juice.
Oh, they were out of apple, honey.
But it's always apple for lunch.
It's okay, Lydia.
Orange is okay.
No, it's not! Orange is for breakfast.
Apple's for lunch.
It's always apple! Always! - Can I help? - Here, let me help.
There's nothing to do but calm her down.
It's okay, honey.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I was out walking my dog, when suddenly I heard this screech and, uh, then a thump.
I turned around.
I saw a white sedan speed off, uh, with a body at the side of the road.
Were you able to get a license plate number? Yes.
ZXL3R.
Massachusetts plates.
The record will reflect the parties stipulate that the license is registered to the defendant Jason Matheny.
Thank you, Mr.
Nasland.
Don't go rough.
He just lost his grandfather, for god's sakes.
That wasn't his grandfather who died, Denny.
He's just a witness who was walking his dog.
Whatever.
Sir, were you able to see who was driving the car? No.
Thank you.
For the record, the parties stipulate the car was reported stolen the night of the accident.
Too rough? Standard service agreement contract, mostly boilerplate.
The language of what I will and will not do is quite specific, so there won't be any Clintonian mishaps.
"Is" means is.
"No touching, no cuddling, no sex.
" You've taken out all the fun.
These are my terms.
For that, I will sleep in your bed and will make sure you don't wig out, and that's it.
I'm not sure the term "wig out" has legal teeth.
But it is extremely Xeroxable for all the partners' windshields.
Thank you, Melissa.
I give you my word I'll honor all your terms and thank you.
I'll see you at 10 o'clock.
Wait a second.
You're denying this? - Of course I'm denying it.
- Barry - It never happened.
- I was there! Hold on.
Barry.
When you say you were there I helped him remove his own fat cells from his buttocks.
- To use on myself.
- Barry That's what you said, Barry.
Look, I removed the cells, I harvested the fat, and I marked the vials.
And I saw him go to the vials to use that fat to inject into other women.
Then why didn't you say something if you thought Because I first thought it was with the patients' consent, - And then I asked a few.
- Asked them what? Where the harvested fat for their procedures came from.
They said their own buttocks.
Which is the truth.
Barry Oh, please! You're just trying to ruin me.
Barry.
Ms.
Gershen, obviously this kind of charge, when it goes to a person's profession, is libel per se.
We wouldn't even have to show actual damages.
I'm no lawyer, but on the TV shows, they say truth is a defense to libel.
I see.
And are you prepared to prove the truth of these allegations? Sure.
May I ask how? Do DNA on him.
Do it on their lips.
You'll see a match.
Won't she, Barry? I'm not giving any DNA samples.
That's, um, unconstitutional, right? You met with the woman, Shirley.
Certainly I don't want to do it.
It's that simple.
No, it is not that simple.
We have an obligation as attorneys Oh, spare me the speech, Paul, would you please? Well, evidently, you need the speech.
Like it or not, this job gets dirty from time to time.
What the hell is going on here? It's just.
.
preying on somebody with Alzheimer's when obviously I'm a little sensitive given Given what? I say a if a woman's brain has turned to oatmeal, let's throw in some raisins and have her for breakfast.
What, you think you have to handle me with kid gloves, Shirley? This case has nothing to do with you, Denny.
Don't lie to me.
Would you excuse us for a second, Paul? I know how terrified you are.
- I'm afraid of nothing.
- Denny whether or not you have some mild form of Alzheimer's, and maybe you don't, there is no denying your denying.
You walk around saying you have mad cow disease.
God forbid people think you have Alzheimer's.
It took your father.
You're afraid it'll take you.
You don't know me, Shirley.
Hell, I don't even know me.
Have you talked to Alan about this? Why should I? Because he's your best friend.
"Do not crowd the afflicted.
Do not chase the afflicted.
" - I'm the afflicted.
- You think? "Use soothing tones.
" "Say the afflicted's name gently.
" "Use comforting phrases such as come back to bed," "you are safe, everything is all right, I am here.
" So how long have you had these, um, episodes? Are they, you know, bad? Have you ever read "Oroonoko" by Aphra Behn? No.
Neither have I.
- La-di-da.
- By the way, Melissa, as immune as you are to any sexual advances on my part, I have had the occasional fantasy about the Michelin man.
People know where I am if anything happens to me.
Good work.
You can go.
How many patients? Not too many.
Lie to me again, Barry, and you can get yourself a new attorney.
How many women did you inject your fat into? Nine, ten.
You can see, there's an endless supply.
You injected your fat into as many as 30 women? What do I do? If this gets out, it's not like I'm a multidimensional person with a family.
All I have is my job, my reputation.
Before we go any further, um, the injections you gave me for my chicken pox scars do I have extractions from your buttocks in my face? Oh, my god.
You didn't want to harvest your own fat.
The synthetic stuff has only been FDA-approved for a year.
Some cells are better than others.
This may sound funny, but I built my reputation on my ass.
It's why they all come to me, however unwittingly.
I would never do anything to harm a patient.
My fat, Denise, it's the good stuff.
First we are gonna try to settle with these women before they sue, or else your fat ass is history.
Then I will decide whether I sue you myself.
I saw Mr.
Bellows crossing the street, and then this big white car came racing through the intersection and hit him.
The car stopped for a moment and then sped away.
People came running out screaming.
Mr.
Bellows was just lying there.
And did you get a good look at who was driving the white car? Yes, I did.
It was that boy over there.
I saw him through the windshield.
The streetlight was shining on his face.
One final question.
Have you been diagnosed with stage four Alzheimer's? That's what my doctors tell me.
So I get a little distracted at times, but I know what I saw.
That boy hit Mr.
Bellows and then drove away.
Thank you, Mrs.
Tuffalo.
The fact that she's stage four could give us reasonable doubt right there.
Do we really want to risk alienating the jury? Don't be ridiculous.
We cannot let that testimony stand.
Just a thought.
Hello, Mrs.
Tuffalo.
I'm Shirley Schmidt.
- We met the other day.
- Yes, dear.
- How are you today? - I'm fine, thank you.
You say you get a little distracted? I'm wondering how little is little? I know what I saw.
I'm sure you think you do, but it was dark and overcast the night of the accident, wasn't it? It was dark.
As for being overcast, it's seldom sunny at night.
The driver never got out of the car, did he? I saw him through the windshield.
What's my name, Mrs.
Tuffalo? It's Shirley Schmidt.
Through the glare of a windshield on a dark night from a window well over a hundred feet away, you were able to see my client speed by? I have very good eyesight.
Don't your nurses have to lay out your medication every night so that you don't take the wrong pills? Those pills are so small.
They're right in front of you, and you can't tell them apart? I can tell them apart.
What are the names of the pills? I don't know or care.
I take what they tell me to take.
What's my name? - It's Shirley.
- Shirley what? Objection.
What time do you typically take your pills? Yes.
Objection! Who is the president of the United states? Objection, your honor.
- Overruled.
- What day is it today? I don't know or care what day it is.
You don't know what day it is? How did you get here today? I I took the bus! You were driven by car.
- What's my name? - Stop asking me that! I saw that boy.
- What's that boy's name? - Shirley! No, that's my name, my first name.
- What's my last name? - I don't know! I don't know! Your last name is whatever it is, damn it! It's Schmidt.
She couldn't remember Shirley's name.
Alan, if I'm ever like that am I like that now sometimes? Of course not.
Denny, if you're really this concerned, you should get tested.
I did a couple of years ago.
Understood, but to see if things have progressed.
It could give you peace of mind.
Or not.
This motion thingy needs to be signed before we can file it.
Let me get this straight.
She slept with you because of the nightmares? Night terrors.
There's a difference.
Wow.
Would you do it with me? I'm sorry? If I agreed to get tested, would you do it, too? I really don't think I have Alzheimer's, Denny.
You're afraid of clowns.
You've got the night terrors.
There's something screwy going on up there.
But the problem isn't likely neurological.
Oh, okay, I get it.
It was a stupid idea, anyway.
Denny.
Make an appointment.
We'll get tested together.
First of all, we do not admit that the fat cells harvested and injected in your respective lips were derived from my client's buttocks.
- That's a horrible opener.
- Horrible.
Tori That's not settlement talk.
- If I may be allowed to finish even assuming the truth of your allegations She's tricky.
Oh, very.
Tori George Ladies, let's hear opposing counsel before we jump to She was supposed to be our lawyer.
Tori? My point is, that even had you known the origin of the fat cells, you may very well have consented to the injections anyway.
- It's the good stuff.
- Barry! I'm sorry, but did you just say what I think you said? That we would have said okay to this? Tori, Kiersten, there was nothing in the contract that stipulated it would be your own tissue.
All right, this is nonsense, Denise.
What nonsense.
This is what people do every day, especially these two.
They agreed to have human fat injected in their bodies or collagen made from rendered cowskin, hyaluronic acid extracted from rooster combs.
They shoot botulism in their foreheads.
- But we're not talking about botox We're talking about this man's buttocks.
And I agree.
It's not a pretty picture.
But neither are the blood clots, infections and scarring you risk from your tummy tucks or the bleeding, bruising and deflation from your saline breast implants.
How about possible nerve damage from your face-lifts, the risk of blindness from eyelid surgery? It's all pretty ugly, but you did it.
You know, Ms.
Bauer, you've just painted a pretty pathetic picture of us, and maybe we're every bit That didn't give you the right.
We're offering you $300,000 each.
Now you might get more if you go to trial, but you might not, given your propensity to say yes to any and every procedure.
My client is also willing to treat you for free for the rest of your lives.
You might not want to have anything to do with him now, but given that he is reputedly the best cosmetic plastic surgeon in Boston, money and services, this is an offer potentially worth more than a million dollars.
But if you go public or sue, the offer is rescinded.
She has Alzheimer's disease.
She has trouble remembering a lot of things, including names, little things.
But catastrophic events, traumatic ones, those sink in.
Which is why she remains steadfast that Jason Matheny was driving the car that night.
And consider this.
If Jason weren't driving that night, what a monumental coincidence then that Lydia picked him out of a police lineup.
She just happened to pick the guy who owned the offending vehicle.
Please! Lydia picked out the defendant because she saw him that night through the windshield, and that's not changed by the fact she had trouble remembering Shirley Schmidt's name.
I don't doubt she remembered Jason's face.
The police picked him up as the owner of the car, plopped him in a lineup and brought Lydia in.
Now we can't know whether the police nudged or influenced Lydia to select the man they felt committed the crime, but it's been known to happen, especially with a witness who needs a little assistance.
And that's where Lydia's Alzheimer's comes in.
Her brain plays tricks on her.
She takes Jason's face from the lineup and transfers it to the car.
Stage four Alzheimer's is a form of dementia.
We have an eyewitness who not only couldn't remember my name, she didn't know what day of the week it was, thought she had come here by bus when she had been driven by car.
She suffers from dementia.
I know we all feel for her.
How could we not? She's adorable, seemingly trustworthy, and our hearts have to go out to anyone who has this insidious disease.
One day we or someone we know will be her.
More than 1.
5 million Americans suffer from Alzheimer's.
By the year 2015, that number could increase to 14 million.
This is not someone else's disease.
It has or will affect every single one of us.
And of course, our heart goes out to Lydia.
But this trial is about proving guilt beyond all reasonable doubt, and that hasn't happened here.
All the prosecution has given you is a lone witness who suffers from terminal dementia.
Beyond all reasonable doubt? You know better.
Alan? Alan, what are you Alan! Whoa, whoa.
Do you hear me? Alan! Alan! Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Okay, okay, here we go.
Alan, Alan! Okay, Alan, okay.
Alan, come back to bed.
Calm down.
Everything's all right, Alan.
Everything's all right! You're safe! You're safe, Alan! Okay? That's right.
I'm here now, okay? I'm here.
Everything's gonna be okay.
Okay, you hear me now? All right? I'm here, okay? Okay, you're safe.
Okay, okay.
That's good.
No, no worries.
Nothing's wrong.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, just relax.
I'm here.
I'm not going anywhere.
You'll hear a knocking sound while we're taking the images.
The main thing is, remain as still as possible.
Why couldn't Alan have gone first? I'm right over here, Denny.
Okay, still as possible, sir.
- You doing okay? - Fine.
Here we go.
Still.
Maybe I should have removed my watch.
Okay.
Your glutamate levels are about the same.
So is the evidence of plaque.
- But nothing's got worse? - I don't believe so.
You do show precursors, so it's important that you continue to exercise your brain, different areas of the brain.
Try writing with your other hand, do the crosswords.
Is it possible I have mad cow disease? We can't rule it out.
They do have some identical symptoms.
There could be countless numbers of people we've diagnosed with Alzheimer's who really have mad cow disease.
See? Do him now.
I'm afraid a PET scan isn't going to tell us why he's afraid of clowns.
What about the night terrors? He had one last night.
Again That's okay.
I can come back later after a few hamburgers.
You promised you'd get tested, too.
Denny, those machines can't test for the stuff I've got going on.
- You tricked me.
- Hey, Denny.
You haven't gotten worse.
They agreed to all the terms? Confidentiality, all of it? Apparently the offer of free laser peels in perpetuity was just too good to pass up.
You dodged a nuclear bullet, Barry.
Thank you.
That still leaves open the question as to whether I will sue you.
Denise, I am so sorry.
I just want to know why.
Why would you risk your career, your I don't understand.
Look at my face.
In high school, everybody called me "fat ass.
" I think the idea that it could ever be associated with beauty I'm obsessed with beauty, Denise, obsessed with the thought that these beautiful women would be walking around with a tiny bit of Barry Glouberman inside them and that when people look at them and admire them, they'd be admiring a microscopic fraction of my physicality.
You need help.
If you do not agree to get help, I will do so much worse than sue you.
You could go to jail.
I'm not kidding, Barry.
I will see you in jail.
I give you my word.
The defendant will please rise.
Madame foreperson, have you reached a unanimous verdict? - We have, your honor.
- What say you? In the matter of the commonwealth vs Jason Matheny on the charge of vehicular homicide, we find the defendant Jason Matheny not guilty.
Members of the jury, the court thanks you for your service.
You are hereby excused.
- Thank you, Shirley.
- You're welcome.
Congratulations, Jason.
Yeah, thanks.
So uh that's it? That's it.
Lydia I know what I did was it's my job.
Yes, your job was to secure the freedom of a boy who killed somebody.
I wish you well.
You too, Ms.
Schmidt.
I'm sure by this time tomorrow she won't have any memory of how despicable you were.
Can I buy you dinner or something, Shirley? - Some other time, thank you.
- The thing is, I'm having these night terrors.
I'm afraid to be alone at night.
I don't doubt that you're afraid, but, Alan, as much as I appreciate you vesting so much responsibility so early into my job, I I just can't handle being in charge of saving your life.
After last night, I don't think I could fall asleep.
Okay.
Thank you, Melissa.
You may very well have saved my life last night.
I know.
You're a really weird man, aren't you? It seems so.
Asleep? Sort of.
Difficult day.
I wish I could say there's been improvement but Hey, dad.
It's Shirley.
I won my case in court today.
Not my finest hour.
Not even close.
Well, what shall we read tonight? How about "A tale of two cities"? We haven't read that one in a while.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness," "It was the season of light" It isn't right.
I tried that night terror routine on six different women.
No takers? It isn't right.
Thanks for coming with me today.
Thanks for making me do it.
I've always felt friends should encourage friends to have their heads examined.
You okay? Melissa quit her moonlighting job.
You're really scared.
Just concerned.
Not to worry.
Oh, all right.
I'll sleep with you in your room, but not in the bed.
Denny, you sleep like a log.
I'd have to step on your head for you to stir.
Tie a rope around me.
- You mean it? - It'll be like a sleepover.
Friends have sleepovers.
We could watch a movie.
- Popcorn.
- Root beer floats.
- Tell ghost stories.
- Talk about girls.
Yeah.
Pretend we're kids.
Pretend we're kids.