Call Me Kat (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

1 I was just a moment Just a moment behind.
- Oh ! - Ah! - Ha-ha! - I love it! It's got this-this cool EDM vibe but also, like, a little bit of hip-hop, maybe a hint of dubstep? One of those has got to be right.
That was dope.
Your best one yet.
If I were a young man, I'd be dancing to it with my shirt off and my nose full of poppers.
High praise, Phil.
Randi, so what did you think? It's good.
Oh, that's it? Okay.
Well, good is good.
I'll take it.
Max, I need to get back to class.
I'm in the middle of a still life, and my banana is already rotting.
Yes, yes, of course.
And thank you for your simple - yet to-the-point - Oh.
Oh.
Hey.
CJ sent photos from his fancy ski vacation.
Oh, wow! Look at him going down that hill like a pro.
Uh, no.
Uh, he's in the pile of snow next to that kid.
Upside-down in the snow? Been there.
Who's that good-looking man next to CJ? Oh.
Yeah, that's my ex-wife's boyfriend, Xavier.
I mean, what a dumb name.
I mean, is he an X-Man? And his superpower is, what, throwing money around to buy my kid's love? Xavier is paying for the whole trip.
It's kind of a touchy subject.
Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah.
I'm cool with it.
'Cause I'm gonna have the biggest, baddest present for CJ when he gets back.
Guess what he's coming home to.
Super Mizula Hyperlocal Paris Jets.
I need to learn more words.
Those are cool sneakers.
- Yeah.
Sneakers.
- Hey, they drop tomorrow at midnight, so I got to get in line early.
I need a line buddy.
I asked Randi, but she gave me a definitive "hell no.
" Max, what about you? No way, man.
Tomorrow's my night off.
Darren's covering the bar.
Darren? Did you hire Cousin Darren again? Wait, didn't you fire him for almost burning this place down? Grandma said I had to hire him back.
And Grandma's kicking leg is still strong.
Phil, I bet you'd be a good line buddy.
Mm, no can do.
I got to bake erotic cookies for a coed bachelor party.
I'm gonna be up to my naughty bits in naughty bits.
Then I guess I'm on my own.
Uh, wait.
You didn't ask me.
I didn't think it was your scene.
I mean, if we were doing a math-only trivia night, then you'd be the first person I'd call.
I know you're just joking, but can we do that? Look, I'm just saying, all right, these sneakerheads don't mess around.
Ha.
Believe me, I have waited in some pretty aggressive lines.
I got the last copy, Muggles! Uh, I'll send it to you when I'm done.
Not exactly the same crowd.
But as long as I got somebody to keep my place while I pee.
This'll be fun! Ooh, do people wear costumes? They do not.
I repeat, they do not.
Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me.
Wow.
Look how far down this line goes.
Don't people know they can buy sneakers at Dillard's with no line? These are exclusive.
I mean, half the people here won't even wear 'em.
They'll jack up the price and sell 'em online to a Saudi prince or Will Smith's kids.
Well, I don't get it, but I'm glad to be here.
So, uh, what do we do now? We're doing it.
Oh, okay.
You know, when I was in fourth grade and we had to wait in line, my teacher would say, "Turn to the person behind you and learn something about them.
" I learned that Jenny White liked to say, "Stop staring at me, weirdo.
" I think I know you pretty well, Kat.
I know, at some point tonight, you'll break out the cat videos.
Oh, that's 'cause there's nothing's cuter than a cat meowing "I love you.
" Uh, oh, here's something you may not know about me: one summer, I worked in the jewelry section of that department store.
Oh.
Well, last summer, I was followed by security in that very same department store.
- Okay, so there's that.
- Mm-hmm.
You know I like to sing, but did you know that my high school choir placed first in the county? Oh.
Hey, I was in choir, too.
I loved it, but I was terrible.
Sister Mary Ellen would always say that my voice was sent by Lucifer to test her.
I thought nuns were supposed to be nice, although I'm basing that solely on Sister Act - and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.
- Mm.
She had the worst taste.
Songs only your grandparents would know, like "There's a Kind of Hush.
" Oh, we had to sing that, too.
So lame.
I love it.
It's my go-to for karaoke.
Dude, we sang it in my choir, too.
- No way! - We did, too.
I hated it so hard.
Are all high school choir teachers stuck in the '60s? I'll be thrilled if I never have to hear that song again.
There's a kind of hush Oh.
Yeah.
I could've called that, too.
All over the world Tonight You know you want to.
All over the world You can hear the sound Of lovers in love.
Hello, Randi.
Geez, Sheila! I took a sip.
You're such a maverick, drinking rosé off-season.
Women today can do anything.
What are you doing here? I was home obsessing over my breakup with Preston again.
I-I was hoping Kat could provide a fun distraction: a puzzle, or a game, or just watching her bump into something.
You know, sometimes I think she must have an inner-ear thing.
But Kat's out with Carter, so I was gonna kind of have a night to myself.
A bubble bath, a trashy book, and maybe take a lap around the living room naked, 'cause, you know, I'd be alone.
Well, you deserve it.
And I am not going to get in the way.
Well, I appreciate that.
It's just that your, uh, body language is telling a whole other story.
Hi, I left my phone here this morning.
- Hello, Oscar.
- Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were entertaining.
Oh, I'm not, no one's entertaining anyone.
Ugh, I'm having the worst day.
Tell us about it, we've got nothing but time.
That's not a hundred percent My boss gave my truck the one with the seat perfectly molded to my butt to his loser son-in-law.
Now I have to drive the small, smelly truck.
Oh, that's not good.
You have no idea.
Ooh, now that you say it, I am getting a whiff of curdled milk and wet dog.
I'm getting pine.
No way, now my boss is making me cover his jerk son-in-law's shift on Sunday.
That's my day off! I have an idea, hear me out.
You need to vent.
And you need a distraction.
I like where this is going.
Come sit back down.
Or you can go sit down at the Middle C.
Mm, they do have better wine.
This is undrinkable.
I like this for you you know, you're drinking, you're processing, you're letting Randi take her bath.
- I guess I could - You totally could.
Stop doubting yourself! All right.
Thank you.
Hold on, Sheila.
Hey, quick question.
Um, what did you mean when you said that my song was "good"? Um, I meant that it was good.
Yeah, you said.
It's just I thought, you know, as a fellow artist, that you might expand on that.
Max, you pulled me out of class to listen to it.
I was a little preoccupied.
Oh.
Well, let me play it for you again.
So close yet so far.
There's a kind of hush All over the world tonight All over the world tonight All over the world You can hear the sound of lovers in love You know what I mean! Yeah, you nailed it! I know he was a little sharp, but yay for spirit.
That felt good.
Suck it, Sister Mary Ellen.
May she rest in peace.
Oh, that's CJ.
I'm gonna take this.
Hey, son.
And pee while you're at it I got you! I'm all about those "I love you" cats.
Have you seen Señor Don Gato? He says "I love you" in Spanish.
No! Obsessed! That's amazing.
These cats should have their own show.
Like, it could really bring people together, because love is love no matter what language your cat speaks.
You're kind of out there, aren't you? A little bit.
Wait, did you hear that? Oh, yes.
Look, there's a kitty.
Oh, and it's in the street, that's very dangerous.
I have a cat carrier in my truck.
Do you mind if I - Yeah, yeah, you gotta.
- Okay, I'll be right back.
I'm okay! I was just a moment behind Just a moment behind.
It's good.
Okay, it's pretty clear, you hate it.
I don't hate it.
It's fine.
I actually think it's good to be a little polarizing.
You know, like brussels sprouts some people love them, some people hate them.
All that matters is they're part of the national conversation.
Well, if it helps, I love brussels sprouts.
You know what? I'm gonna go.
I have a penis emergency.
Oh, uh He means his cookies.
And by "his cookies," he means? Actual cookies.
Hey.
This little guy is so sweet, came right to me; no collar.
It's so frustrating if they can say, "I love you," why can't they say, "I live at 400 Crenshaw Avenue"? No cuts.
Dude, I said no cuts.
Are you serious? You know I was here.
Hey, I don't know how many pairs they've got in there.
I'm not letting some rando cat lady ahead of me.
Rando? We sang together! We bonded over Señor Don Gato! Back of the line, ma'am.
Daisy, you gotta help me out here.
Sorry.
Je ne parle pas anglais.
Hey, it's-it's really important that my friend get his shoes.
- No cuts! - No cuts.
- Back of the line.
- No cuts.
- Get in back of the line.
- No cuts.
I'm disappointed in you! I'm disappointed in you, Daisy.
I'm disappointed in all of y'all.
Not you, you're great.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
They look more like umbrellas.
Yeah, your scale is definitely off.
And I've never seen one that hooks like that.
You need more detail.
I have no idea what I'm putting in my mouth.
Well, for me, it always helps to have a reference.
You know, something to work off of.
Oh, that could help.
No.
That's what the Internet's for, my friend.
I know, but then you start getting all that spam from ginger bears who are horny to hook up.
I'll take another crack at it.
Speaking of cracks, I forgot to do the butts.
Okay, well, mama is going back to her tub.
Good night! Just need a little clarification on the song.
Oh, help me, sweet Black Jesus! Um, Kat, what the hell? Oh, um, okay, well, I've got good news and bad news.
Good news: I rescued a cat.
And the bad news is, well, I think you get that.
I'm so sorry.
Second baritone Damon told me he'd hold my place.
Of course he didn't.
I thought I could rely on you.
You can! It's just when I hear a cat meow, it raises the oxytocin levels in my brain, and then all I can focus on is the cat crying, so really, part of the blame goes to science.
We're never gonna get those sneakers.
So when CJ gets back, what do I give him? Quality time with his dad? He'd probably really like that.
How's that gonna help him keep it fresh on the playground? "Hey, guys, I know I'm wearing last year's kicks, but my dad really loves me.
" Carter, I really believe there is still a chance.
That sounded way more confident than I feel.
Your boss has such gall.
"I need 'U' to work on Sun.
" - The man doesn't respect you enough to finish a word.
- Right? Man, I hate that.
Like Carter left me this note, "C-H-K I-D-S.
" Somebody tell me, what is "chick ids"? I think he means, "Check IDs.
" Oh.
Oh Son, don't drink that! Oscar, your problem is, you're too nice.
You're right.
That's why I got "Ol' Smelly" and some stranger's basic ass is on my carefully formed seat.
People take advantage of nice people.
Are you still coming over Saturday to hang my shelves? 9:00.
8:00 would be better.
Bring bagels.
What kind? I don't want to tell you what to do.
Look, you can be honest with me.
Just tell me what you didn't like about it, as long as it doesn't hurt my feelings.
Okay, the truth? It's a good song.
It just doesn't sound like you.
You're Singer-Songwriter Guy, not whatever that was.
Were you rapping at one point? That's talk singing, like T-Pain or T-Boz.
It's a thing.
Max, it doesn't matter if I like it.
Do you like it? This is what sells.
This is what they want, a song with a focused lyric, a memorable hook, and a fresh radio-friendly melody.
Did you search "How to write a hit song"? No.
Okay, I'm gonna say this, artist to artist.
We can never really know what they want.
We can aim for the bull's-eye, but they'll probably move the target.
There's no guarantee anyone will buy our work, so shouldn't it at least be something that we like? I knew there was a reason I obsessed over your opinion.
Thanks.
Okay, I will leave you to your night alone.
Thank you.
I need fresh eyes on my penises.
Of course you do.
Okay, I did some recon.
According to the manager, there are eight pairs of size nines left.
But only seven people in front of us want a nine.
There were eight, but I talked some kid into paying his rent instead because come on.
So that means there's still one pair left for us! - You're sure? - Hundo.
Sorry, man, we just sold our last nines.
What? That's impossible.
No, I did the math, and it's like beginner algebra.
I've been doing it since I was a toddler.
Literally.
There was an article about me.
I'm so not high enough for this.
I know for a fact that you have one pair of nines left, and we are not leaving here without them.
Kat, stop! We're not getting the damn shoes! This would never happen at Dillard's.
They look so real.
Too real.
Like I could get pregnant just looking at 'em.
Nurse Nelson texted me a picture of his "cookie.
" I may have studied it a little too long.
Maybe split the difference between abstract and, "Hey, there's Phil's boyfriend's junk.
" It's so good having an artist in residence.
All right, I'm going up.
I think there's still time to have a little of my night.
My life is ruined! And I set myself up for that.
What happened? And if I wasn't so nice, I'd tell him, "You're a bully, and nobody likes you.
Walking around with that 'World's Best Boss' mug you know you bought it yourself! And you know there's booze in that cup.
" Oh, wait, wait a minute.
Your-your phone is typing everything you're saying.
Oh, no, no, be careful.
You hit the voice-texting icon.
Oh, yeah, I can get rid of that, I'll just - She hit the arrow? - Yes! She sent that text to my boss.
- Oh, dear.
- Maybe he won't see it.
Yeah, yeah, no one checks their texts anymore.
Oh, God, he wants me to call him.
I knew that would happen.
Okay, we've got to come up with a story.
- Your phone was stolen.
- Or you were hacked.
Or you were kidnapped and forced to text.
You guys, none of these ideas are going to work.
There's only one way to play this: you've got to own it.
I think we could've spent a little more time on that kidnapping idea.
Hey.
I'm really sorry.
This day sucks.
First that phone call, now this.
What happened on the phone call? Is CJ okay? He's fine.
He just told me that Xavier proposed to Stephanie on the slopes today.
So, my ex-wife is getting married.
Oh, wow.
That's a big deal.
So are you worried about CJ having a stepdad? CJ and I are solid.
It's just when Stephanie and I got divorced, everything became a competition.
She got the house, she got primary custody of CJ.
And now she's engaged.
It's like she won the "moving on" race.
Hey, you're moving on, too.
And you've got Randi.
I do.
And I'm pretty sure one day, she's going to let me call her my girlfriend.
I know I'm being stupid.
No.
No, you're not.
I totally get it.
You know, when I first left teaching, I was still so caught up with everything that was going on there like-like who got published, and who got tenure, and did Franklin ever fess up to breaking my RBG bobblehead? Because I know he was the last one to see her intact.
I don't know how you got out of that math department alive.
Right? I'm just saying that one day I finally realized that I had started a whole new chapter of my life and I was happy.
I didn't need to keep obsessing about everything that was going on there because it just had nothing to do with me anymore.
Are you happy? I am.
Then turn the page.
Start that new chapter.
You know what I learned about you tonight? You are a pretty good line buddy.
And this wasn't a complete loss, 'cause, hey, I nailed that solo.
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah, I did.
- Yeah, I killed it.
- I know, I know, but he really needs this.
Have a great night.
Randi, you were so right, owning it was the way to go.
See? He respected you for telling the truth.
No, he was furious.
I have to work Sundays for the next month.
But I got my truck back.
Well, then my work here is done.
Isn't it? I'm good.
- I'm good.
- I'm good.
Yup.
My new penises are in the oven.
Now I've got to start on the lady parts.
But I'm a little nervous because it's been a long time - since I've seen - Oh, good Lord! Thank you.
Now, what about downstairs? No! We are so not there yet, Phil.
Hey! You're gonna play me an acoustic version of that song, aren't you? Buckle up, it's slow and sad.
Fine, but I'm listening from the tub.
I was just a moment Just a moment I was just a moment behind Oh, all right, kitty, let's get you back to the café.
But before we go, can you tell Carter you love him? It would really help.
Come on, just one "I love you.
" I'll take it.
No way! Is that Larry? He didn't say.
Larry, my man! It's my boss's cat.
I let him out this morning by mistake and he's freaking.
Oh, well, I'm so glad Larry's found his home again.
Looks like you'll be the hero.
I know, right? Unless I want to be the hero.
You know, I have heard that sometimes employees will hold back a couple of pairs, buy them with their discount, then jack up the price and sell them online.
There wouldn't happen to be a pair of nines in the back, would there? Fine.
I'll ring them up for you.
Ah-ah-ah.
Shoes first, then the cat.
Damn, girl, you came to play.
Hundo.
You know, it kind of helps if I break the cookies into pieces then I don't really know what I'm eating.
That's a left butt cheek.
I don't think you got my point.
That's part of a testicle.
- Okay.
- All right, tell CJ I'll pick him up in the morning.
Hey, Steph.
Congratulations, I'm happy for you.
See you tomorrow.
Where's Darren? Carter fired him.
Tell me, what does this text say? Uh, "C-H-K D-O-B.
" Check date of birth.
Darren thought it meant "chicks dance on bar.
" And if you look at his Instagram, they did.
Maybe we missed our moment Maybe I was to blame I didn't see that we were already perfect I was just a moment Just a moment behind Hey! I was just a moment behind I was just a moment Just a moment behind.