Celebrity Squares (2014) s02e08 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 8
He's ready to put his money where his mouth is - it's Tim Vine! She's Dino's resident lunch partner and bona fide Jungle Jane, Melanie Sykes! He's the only joe in the show - it's funny guy Joe Wilkinson! He's a stand-out stand-up and rising star - it's Matt Richardson! It's time for Noah's Larks - it's the very funny Trevor Noah! He's a comedy star and actor who's never off the box.
Now he's in one of ours.
It's Ben Miller! Ready to put on a fun show - it's comedian Sara Pascoe! When the going gets tough, we get - it's Bozyone's Keith Duffy! She's the cherry on our cake and the chairwoman of our board - It's Sue Perkins! Welcome to Celebrity Squares, the quiz show that likes to make celebrities feel right at home presuming their home is a plastic box with lights on.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello! Sue, welcome to the show.
-I'm delighted Squares is not an insult here.
It's nice to reappropriate that word.
How's things going? Going very well.
I'm enjoying The Great British Bake-Off.
Thank you! I find myself salivating.
What can I say? Mary Berry's an attractive lady.
Yes! What if you could get this close to her, Warwick? Ooh! How does that make you feel? Great! I did the Bake-Off for Comic Relief.
I know you did! And I'm convinced Mary winked at me on occasion.
I think it was a tic.
(LAUGHTER) Not to say you're not an arousing gentleman.
Why have you got Mary on a stick? She travels with me at all times.
That is her real head.
(LAUGHTER) Now, you hosted Light Lunch, The Supersizers, Bake-Off.
Do you only work on cooking-related shows? Well, II don't have a kitchen at home.
It was an oversight.
I sensed something when the estate agent took me round.
"Something's missing.
" (LAUGHTER) Bathroom, lovely living room, bedrooms aplenty, no kitchen.
So I'm forced to work in shows with a food element, so that I can survive.
(LAUGHTER) How are you going to manage the centre square? Will you be a flamboyant Paul Hollywood type, or more a stern Mary figure? I love the idea of Paul being flamboyant.
I think of him as sort of a weird uncle with a thick neck.
(LAUGHTER) Have you ever sat on his knee? Yes I have.
Have you? That's why the lawsuit happened.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you very much for being here! Sue Perkins, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now let's meet our regulars.
If you wonder why they're here every week, it's because they're experts at slipping past Security.
It's Tim and Joe! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Tim! Yes! You are a comedian.
You read my biog.
(LAUGHTER) You have a very distinctive look.
Thank you.
Do you get recognised a lot? I do, yes.
Today Brad Pitt walked up to me.
"Excuse me, are you Tim Vine?" I said, "I am.
" He handed me an autograph book and said, "Can you sign this please?" I said, "Brad, this is the wrong way round.
" Cos it was upside down.
(LAUGHTER) Now, Tim.
Yes.
You strike me, I don't know why, as a bit of a romantic.
I am.
I do remember I went on a date once with this girl, and we had a candlelit dinner.
Everything was undercooked.
(LAUGHTER) Went back to hers.
She had an 8ft light switch.
What a huge turn-off.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Tim Vine, everyone.
Thank you, Tim.
(APPLAUSE) Joe.
-Yeah.
You and Keith Duffy are a bit of a hit with the ladies, aren't you? (LAUGHTER) Have you ever traded secrets? I just take my lead from him.
We go out on the pull.
The Lads.
(LAUGHTER) My wingman, KD.
And we just use our high cheekbones.
You know, we're good-looking guys.
And when that doesn't work, I show them .
.
the puppet I've made of myself.
(LAUGHTER) What I do is, I hold that up at their kitchen window, and I say, "Can I come in, please?" (LAUGHTER) That's usually the point where I get removed.
(APPLAUSE) Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) So we've met each Square, but who's over there? It's only our contestants! Representing the North, we have Sarah.
Tell our Squares about yourself.
-Hi, Squares! -ALL: Hello! My name's Sarah, I'm 29, I'm from Birmingham and I'm an account manager.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome to the show, Sarah.
We have Sue Perkins here, co-host of the Great British Bake-Off.
You're a keen baker? I am.
I do love to bake.
You told me you watch it, but then you have to go and bake.
Yeah.
You get drawn in, and want to start baking and get involved.
You have to step away and bake.
Do you have that with all the programmes you watch? (LAUGHTER) If you watch Strictly Come Dancing you just have to cha-cha? That's what happens.
Don't you watch Strictly and feel like dancing? Just don't go and see Fifty Shades of Grey.
(LAUGHTER) Good luck.
Sarah, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Let's see who you'll be squaring up against tonight.
Representing the Crosses, we have Wes.
Welcome to the show, Wes.
-Hi, Warwick.
Tell the Squares about yourself.
-Hello, Squares.
-ALL: Hello, Wes! I'm Wes, I'm 35, I'm from Bristol, and by day, I'm a personal bank manager.
(CHEERING) What are you by night? Batman? (LAUGHTER) I also have some other jobs.
I do a lot of weddings.
I film them, I DJ at them.
Are you invited or do you just film them? (LAUGHTER) You're a one-stop shop for weddings? -Yes.
I do chocolate fountains, popcorn, candy floss.
It's in my garage.
Wessy Wonka! (LAUGHTER) How did you become a bank manager? I used to be an estate agent.
I showed a house, and she rang the next day.
"Are you making an offer on the house?" She said, "No, I'll make an offer on you.
" ALL: Ooh! She offered me a job in the bank.
You knew nothing about banking? No.
Perfect candidate.
(LAUGHTER) Right, well, best of luck tonight.
Wes, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So here's how it works.
To win a game and a bonus of 500, you must get three squares in a row.
That row can be up and down, like this, across, like that, or diagonally, like this.
There.
That's the rules done.
Let's start with game 1.
(APPLAUSE) Sarah, you won the points backstage, so you go first.
Who would you like to choose? -I will start with Sue Perkins, please.
(APPLAUSE) Sue, according to a recent study, what do women do for six minutes when they're upset compared to men, who only do it for two or three? Six minutes is a long time to do anything in my book.
(LAUGHTER) Scream.
One long, high-pitched, six-minute scream.
(LAUGHTER) That's fact, Sara.
It's fact.
You know that.
I think I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The correct answer was Cry.
Wes, your turn.
Where would you like to go? Ben Miller.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Ben, welcome to the show.
Thank you.
Ben you were in the spy film Johnny English.
I was wondering, if you were to take up spying in real life, who here would you like to spy on? Who would II would spy on Joe.
You're more than welcome.
Joe intrigues me.
In fact, Joe looks like a louche, homeless James Bond.
(LAUGHTER) If I saw him peeping at me through the bushes, I would not think, "Ooh, there's James Bond.
" (LAUGHTER) I would call the police immediately.
He'd be the world's best-dressed pervert, though.
look at him.
(LAUGHTER) That is actually on my CV.
Scientists in Germany have found that people who wear glasses for short-sightedness are likely to be what? Attractive but not in an obvious way? (LAUGHTER) People who are short-sighted are less intelligent.
-Less intelligent.
Well, I wear glasses.
I'm short- sighted.
I'll have to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets that square.
Well done.
The answer was, more educated.
Right.
Your turn, Sarah.
I'll go for Keith Duffy.
(CHEERING) Hiya, Sara.
Hi, Keith.
Keith, welcome to the show.
We're used to seeing you in Boyzone.
Will you do anything now, or just stand at the back and dance a bit? (LAUGHTER) At what age does a boy band become a man band? Ah, well, you see, I could tell you, but this is pre-watershed, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Keith.
According to a survey by Sky Broadband, what did 27% of Irish men say they can do more with their mums than with their partners? (LAUGHTER) Well, I am Irish and I have got a mother, so I should know the answer.
I go shopping with my mother.
I last longer with her than with my wife, cos my mother's not using my credit card.
(LAUGHTER) We go shopping with our mothers more than with our partners.
I think I'll agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Cross gets that square.
The answer was, trust them.
Oh! The survey also found that Irish men are more likely than women to lie about their age and job title.
Does that sound familiar, Keith? (LAUGHTER) Wes, your turn.
I'll go for Sara Pascoe, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hi, Wes! Sara, this is your second appearance on Squares.
Yes.
I've not left since last time.
This box is bigger than my flat.
(LAUGHTER) You're sitting next to Keith.
-Yes.
-Are you a fan? -I was a fan of Boyzone, or, as I called them, Ronan and Friends.
(LAUGHTER) During a famous 2014 photoshoot, Kim Kardashian claimed she would break what? Wind.
(LAUGHTER) I do know the real answer, actually.
She said last year she'd break the internet.
I would definitely agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) It was the internet.
Kim Kardashian's bum didn't actually break the internet, but I did see a very nasty-looking crack on my screen.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) Sarah, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine for the block.
(APPLAUSE) Tim, here's your question.
According to the Cole Porter song, fleas, birds and bees all do something.
What is it? -You've done the right thing choosing me, Sarah.
This is something I know about.
Did you know that in one day, a bee produces one teaspoon of honey? Now, I know that sounds an enormous amount, but bees' teaspoons are a lot smaller than ours.
(LAUGHTER) But I think I think they all communicate using dance.
I think I'll disagree.
Oh.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square, and successfully blocks.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was fall in love.
Wes, your turn.
For the win! Trevor Noah, please.
(APPLAUSE) Trevor, welcome to the show.
-You've come all the way from South Africa.
-I have.
How are you enjoying the UK? Oh, it's great out here.
I love seeing how miserable people are.
(LAUGHTER) It's like a safari, of people's sadness.
That's why I come here, to ride in the subway and see people angry with life.
And no sun.
That's really what it is, the lack of sun.
It's destroying you as people.
But you still sell sunscreen in your stores! Hope! I like that.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Here's your question.
Trevor, which heavy metal band is named after a mediaeval torture device? All of them? (LAUGHTER) I'm going to go with Black Sabbath.
-I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and wins the game, and a bonus of 500.
Well done! (APPLAUSE) The answer was Iron Maiden.
So after the first game, Sarah has 100, and Wes has 650.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in part 2, when they play for more cash and one of them could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And so I said, you could link all the computers in a sort of worldwide web.
That's how I invented the internet.
Oh.
Sorry! Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Before the break Wes won the first game, and is in the lead with 650.
But there's still everything to play for.
More importantly, at least half our celebrities have sobered up enough to know what's going on.
(LAUGHTER) Right, it's time for our second game.
(APPLAUSE) This game is just like the first, except hidden out there is a Mystery Square.
ALL: Ooh! If a contestant finds a Mystery Square, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You and your friend could be packing your bags and heading off to the vibrant Gundulic Square in the beautiful, historic country of Croatia! Courtesy of icelolly.
com you'll be experiencing its delights in a seven-night stay! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Right.
Now it's time to release the Squares! (BEEPING) And for you at home, this is where they'll find the Mystery Square.
Right.
Sarah, you're playing catch-up, so you go first.
Who would you like to choose? I'll go with Melanie Sykes, please.
(APPLAUSE) Mel.
We saw you on I'm A Celebrity.
You did, yes.
What was that like? What was your biggest challenge? I was nervous about loads and loads of things.
The worst was starvation, and being incarcerated, but the very worst thing was Edwina Currie.
That was my biggest challenge.
Really? She thought that was a dish? (LAUGHTER) Part of the Bush Tucker Trial? -Yes.
-So it got a bit tricky when she arrived.
Apart from that, I had a blast.
You looked like you enjoyed it.
I did.
It was a lot of fun.
Now, Mel, here's your question.
If you found me bending my G-string and waggling my whammy bar (LAUGHTER) what would you expect to find in my house? (LAUGHTER) Um, so, a dangly bit, and a whammy bar? I don't think I mentioned dangly bits.
-Oh, that's just me! Sorry.
You're creating images in your head now that don't actually exist.
(LAUGHS) Maybe some kind of hair thing? A straightener? Or a curling iron? I'll go straightener.
Right.
I would disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was, in fact, an electric guitar.
Yes.
So Mel, are you any good at waggling the whammy bar? I'm not good on guitar.
I play a brass instrument, though.
Do you? -I'm good with valves.
-Oh, right.
-Yeah.
Not strings.
Sue, you could do a trumpet noise? Yes, I can make a trumpet noise with my mouth.
I was hoping that's what you'd say.
(LAUGHTER) # (TRUMPETS) (LAUGHTER) (TRUMPETS ON) That's it.
I can't do any more.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very good! I can't do that.
I'm impressed.
But Melanie can give the proper horn.
Sadly, I've never been able (LAUGHTER) Wes, your turn.
Sue Perkins.
Here's your question.
In The Wizard of Oz, which of Dorothy's companions didn't have a brain? I'm going to say the Tin Man.
-I'll have to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
Well done.
(APPLAUSE) -The answer was, the Scarecrow.
The Tin Man needed a heart and the Lion courage.
Sarah, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine, please.
OK, Sarah, let's do this.
Here we go.
All right, Tim? -Yes.
-Which world-famous musician has used the pseudonym The Fireman? The Fireman? You've done the right thing choosing me.
This is something I know about.
(LAUGHTER) I know about chemistry.
So if I had a canister of hydrogen, and you had a canister of nitrogen, Sarah, who's better-off? Do you know? No? Neither do I.
Your gas is as good as mine.
(LAUGHTER) But it is a piano player they're talking about.
He used to play smoking hot piano, which is why they call him Fireman.
It is Ray Charles.
-I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was Paul McCartney.
Paul McCartney? Yes, he's been recording as The Fireman since 1993.
Wes, your turn.
-For the block, Mr Joe Wilkinson.
(APPLAUSE) Joe, in a recent survey by the website Promotional Codes, which sandwich filling was voted Britain's most popular? Well, my favourite sandwich - I'm not saying it is - is two slices of bread with another slice of bread in between them.
(LAUGHTER) White, brown, white.
Ah! (LAUGHTER) So when you buy a loaf, basically you're buying a ready made sandwich? Yeah, but I take out the white and then the brown and then I kind of swap so it's just ready to go, really.
(LAUGHTER) But I know an air traffic controller who eats only ham sandwiches.
So I'm going to say ham, ham, ham sandwich.
(LAUGHTER) I would have to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square, and successfully blocks.
Well done.
The most popular filling was egg mayo.
Oh.
Sarah, your turn.
I'll go with Sara Pascoe for the block.
Rich Uncle Pennybags is associated with which famous game? Does he own Chelsea football team? (LAUGHTER) Um, is it a kind of board game, Rich Uncle Pennybags? Maybe that's the person that gets killed in Cluedo? Yeah, I think Cluedo.
-I will disagree You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square, and blocks.
(APPLAUSE) The answer is Monopoly.
Wes, your turn.
For the block, Keith Duffy, please.
Here we go, Keith.
What animals can collectively be known as a romp? Is it a romp a romp of beaver? (LAUGHTER) OK, a furry animal.
A romp A romp of badger.
(LAUGHTER) Badgers? Um, I'm going to disagree.
Right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was a romp of otters.
Sarah, your turn.
-For the block, I'll go with Matt Richardson, please.
(APPLAUSE) So, Matt, last year you were the no.
1 Weird Crush in Heat magazine.
I was indeed.
-And this year you dropped to no.
4, which essentially means I've got hotter! (LAUGHTER) Last year my mum voted hundreds and hundreds of times, which is actually, now I think about it, the weirdest crush possible.
You don't look that weird, although you are sat next to Joe Wilkinson.
You're welcome.
You came 8th or something.
Did I? -Yeah.
That's (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) Matt, here's your question.
If you were using a butt pad and jerk bait, what would be your hobby? (LAUGHTER) I'd say it was a Friday night alone by myself.
But there you go.
(LAUGHTER) I think the answer's gaming.
-Um, I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was fishing.
Yes.
The only thing I like fishing for is compliments.
(LAUGHTER) Wes, your turn.
-Um -The board's getting so full! I know.
The holiday's still out there.
-Oh-ho-ho-ho! -UhBen Miller.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Wes.
You've backed the Mystery Square.
Now, if you take this square, you'll be playing for a holiday to Croatia.
ALL: Ooh! Exciting, isn't it? Ben, here's your question.
Edinburgh was the first city in the world to establish which modern emergency service? I'm going to say it was accident and emergency, A&E.
I'm going to disagree.
You were right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) And you win a holiday to Croatia! (APPLAUSE) Congratulations! (CHEERING) The correct answer was fire brigade.
Now we have a sudden-death situation.
Trevor is the deciding square.
Sarah, if you win this square, you win the game.
If you lose, the game will go to Wes.
OK.
So no pressure.
Trevor, Fartlek training concentrates on which sporting activity? Fartlek training.
In weightlifting you use your fartlek muscles to keep that steady so that you can for the wind.
So I'm going to go for weightlifting.
Trust me.
Um, I think I will disagree.
Why? You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square, wins the game and a bonus of 500.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The correct answer was running.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Sarah has 850, and Wes has 850.
(APPLAUSE) There's still plenty more cash to be won.
It's time for our third game, which we like to call Square Essentials.
(APPLAUSE) The Squares make statements about themselves, and our contestants must agree if they think they're telling the truth or disagree if they think they're bluffing.
This game is a double money one.
It's 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
ALL: Ooh! So it's all to play for.
Wes, you lost the last game, so you go first.
Melanie Sykes.
Mel, let's hear your Square Essential.
One of my favourite pastimes is caravanning.
-I'd definitely say agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets that square.
Well done.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sarah, your turn.
I'll go for Sue Perkins, please.
-Right.
Let's hear it, Sue.
I was once awarded the title of the World's Biggest Liar.
Or was I? (LAUGHTER) I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
Cross gets that square.
How do you win such a title? It's a competition that's been running for decades in this village in Yorkshire called Wasdale.
You'd get very posh sort of hikers from London, who'd come up, and the locals would tell tales, like, "We live in a big turnip.
" So every year now, in the pub, they do a tournament to recreate that.
One year I went, and won it.
Don't believe a word.
Wes, your turn.
-Ben Miller, please.
-Ben, let's hear it.
I was in the first Back to the Future film.
-I absolutely loved that film, I don't remember seeing you in it.
I'll say disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square, and wins the game and a bonus of 1.
000.
(APPLAUSE) We can reveal the contestant with most cash, who's going through to the final, for a chance to win 25.
000.
Sarah has 850 and going through to our final is Wes, with 2.
050.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Wes.
Thank you.
You're through to our final.
How do you feel? Amazing! Unfortunately, Sarah, we've got to say goodbye to you.
It's been a pleasure.
-You've had fun? -Yes, I've had fun! -Sarah, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in part 3, when Wes could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anysquare.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Wes had made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations, Wes Thanks, Warwick.
.
.
for getting to our final game.
You've got people supporting you.
Who are they? -My husband Richard, my little boy Sebastian, and my mum and dad.
Fabulous! That's lovely.
(APPLAUSE) Potentially you could go home with a huge amount of money.
Yes.
Any plans on how you might spend it? Definitely take my son and husband to Disney to see Mickey Mouse.
Definitely do that first.
Great.
Best of luck, Wes.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK.
Here's your line of questioning.
(BEEPING) You haveTim Vine, Sue Perkins, Trevor Noah.
And here are their subjects.
Whose category would you like? Sue Perkins.
So you've chosen GCSE Subjects.
Why did you go for that? I've done GCSEs, and haven't been on the Underground much, and don't know many Commonwealth countries.
Good luck.
Here we go.
Sue Perkins used to teach at a secondary school in Marylebone.
One subject she taught was Drama, a common GCSE subject taught at secondary schools.
I need you to name other GCSE subjects.
They must be subjects covered in the courses offered by the OCR Examination Board.
OK.
You have 30 seconds to light up squares.
Each lit square will win you 1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that 25.
000.
Remember, you must wait for me to say yes or no before you go to your next answer.
-OK.
Are you ready? -Yeah.
-Your time starts now.
French.
-Yes.
-German.
-Yes.
English.
-Yes.
-Spanish.
-Yes.
Latin.
-Yes.
-History.
-Yes.
Geography.
-Yes.
-Science.
-Yes.
PE.
-Yes! (WILD CHEERING) Brilliant! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Brilliant! Well done! Wes, we add that 25.
000 to the money you've won so far, which will give you a grand total of 27.
050! Thank you so much! Well done, everyone.
How do you feel? -Amazing! Thank you so much! We're so pleased for you! That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Wes! Thanks to our Squares.
(CHEERING) And of course to you at home for watching! We'll see you next time.
Good night! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Now he's in one of ours.
It's Ben Miller! Ready to put on a fun show - it's comedian Sara Pascoe! When the going gets tough, we get - it's Bozyone's Keith Duffy! She's the cherry on our cake and the chairwoman of our board - It's Sue Perkins! Welcome to Celebrity Squares, the quiz show that likes to make celebrities feel right at home presuming their home is a plastic box with lights on.
Hello, Squares! ALL: Hello! Sue, welcome to the show.
-I'm delighted Squares is not an insult here.
It's nice to reappropriate that word.
How's things going? Going very well.
I'm enjoying The Great British Bake-Off.
Thank you! I find myself salivating.
What can I say? Mary Berry's an attractive lady.
Yes! What if you could get this close to her, Warwick? Ooh! How does that make you feel? Great! I did the Bake-Off for Comic Relief.
I know you did! And I'm convinced Mary winked at me on occasion.
I think it was a tic.
(LAUGHTER) Not to say you're not an arousing gentleman.
Why have you got Mary on a stick? She travels with me at all times.
That is her real head.
(LAUGHTER) Now, you hosted Light Lunch, The Supersizers, Bake-Off.
Do you only work on cooking-related shows? Well, II don't have a kitchen at home.
It was an oversight.
I sensed something when the estate agent took me round.
"Something's missing.
" (LAUGHTER) Bathroom, lovely living room, bedrooms aplenty, no kitchen.
So I'm forced to work in shows with a food element, so that I can survive.
(LAUGHTER) How are you going to manage the centre square? Will you be a flamboyant Paul Hollywood type, or more a stern Mary figure? I love the idea of Paul being flamboyant.
I think of him as sort of a weird uncle with a thick neck.
(LAUGHTER) Have you ever sat on his knee? Yes I have.
Have you? That's why the lawsuit happened.
(LAUGHTER) Thank you very much for being here! Sue Perkins, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now let's meet our regulars.
If you wonder why they're here every week, it's because they're experts at slipping past Security.
It's Tim and Joe! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Tim! Yes! You are a comedian.
You read my biog.
(LAUGHTER) You have a very distinctive look.
Thank you.
Do you get recognised a lot? I do, yes.
Today Brad Pitt walked up to me.
"Excuse me, are you Tim Vine?" I said, "I am.
" He handed me an autograph book and said, "Can you sign this please?" I said, "Brad, this is the wrong way round.
" Cos it was upside down.
(LAUGHTER) Now, Tim.
Yes.
You strike me, I don't know why, as a bit of a romantic.
I am.
I do remember I went on a date once with this girl, and we had a candlelit dinner.
Everything was undercooked.
(LAUGHTER) Went back to hers.
She had an 8ft light switch.
What a huge turn-off.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Tim Vine, everyone.
Thank you, Tim.
(APPLAUSE) Joe.
-Yeah.
You and Keith Duffy are a bit of a hit with the ladies, aren't you? (LAUGHTER) Have you ever traded secrets? I just take my lead from him.
We go out on the pull.
The Lads.
(LAUGHTER) My wingman, KD.
And we just use our high cheekbones.
You know, we're good-looking guys.
And when that doesn't work, I show them .
.
the puppet I've made of myself.
(LAUGHTER) What I do is, I hold that up at their kitchen window, and I say, "Can I come in, please?" (LAUGHTER) That's usually the point where I get removed.
(APPLAUSE) Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) So we've met each Square, but who's over there? It's only our contestants! Representing the North, we have Sarah.
Tell our Squares about yourself.
-Hi, Squares! -ALL: Hello! My name's Sarah, I'm 29, I'm from Birmingham and I'm an account manager.
(APPLAUSE) Welcome to the show, Sarah.
We have Sue Perkins here, co-host of the Great British Bake-Off.
You're a keen baker? I am.
I do love to bake.
You told me you watch it, but then you have to go and bake.
Yeah.
You get drawn in, and want to start baking and get involved.
You have to step away and bake.
Do you have that with all the programmes you watch? (LAUGHTER) If you watch Strictly Come Dancing you just have to cha-cha? That's what happens.
Don't you watch Strictly and feel like dancing? Just don't go and see Fifty Shades of Grey.
(LAUGHTER) Good luck.
Sarah, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Let's see who you'll be squaring up against tonight.
Representing the Crosses, we have Wes.
Welcome to the show, Wes.
-Hi, Warwick.
Tell the Squares about yourself.
-Hello, Squares.
-ALL: Hello, Wes! I'm Wes, I'm 35, I'm from Bristol, and by day, I'm a personal bank manager.
(CHEERING) What are you by night? Batman? (LAUGHTER) I also have some other jobs.
I do a lot of weddings.
I film them, I DJ at them.
Are you invited or do you just film them? (LAUGHTER) You're a one-stop shop for weddings? -Yes.
I do chocolate fountains, popcorn, candy floss.
It's in my garage.
Wessy Wonka! (LAUGHTER) How did you become a bank manager? I used to be an estate agent.
I showed a house, and she rang the next day.
"Are you making an offer on the house?" She said, "No, I'll make an offer on you.
" ALL: Ooh! She offered me a job in the bank.
You knew nothing about banking? No.
Perfect candidate.
(LAUGHTER) Right, well, best of luck tonight.
Wes, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So here's how it works.
To win a game and a bonus of 500, you must get three squares in a row.
That row can be up and down, like this, across, like that, or diagonally, like this.
There.
That's the rules done.
Let's start with game 1.
(APPLAUSE) Sarah, you won the points backstage, so you go first.
Who would you like to choose? -I will start with Sue Perkins, please.
(APPLAUSE) Sue, according to a recent study, what do women do for six minutes when they're upset compared to men, who only do it for two or three? Six minutes is a long time to do anything in my book.
(LAUGHTER) Scream.
One long, high-pitched, six-minute scream.
(LAUGHTER) That's fact, Sara.
It's fact.
You know that.
I think I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The correct answer was Cry.
Wes, your turn.
Where would you like to go? Ben Miller.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you.
Ben, welcome to the show.
Thank you.
Ben you were in the spy film Johnny English.
I was wondering, if you were to take up spying in real life, who here would you like to spy on? Who would II would spy on Joe.
You're more than welcome.
Joe intrigues me.
In fact, Joe looks like a louche, homeless James Bond.
(LAUGHTER) If I saw him peeping at me through the bushes, I would not think, "Ooh, there's James Bond.
" (LAUGHTER) I would call the police immediately.
He'd be the world's best-dressed pervert, though.
look at him.
(LAUGHTER) That is actually on my CV.
Scientists in Germany have found that people who wear glasses for short-sightedness are likely to be what? Attractive but not in an obvious way? (LAUGHTER) People who are short-sighted are less intelligent.
-Less intelligent.
Well, I wear glasses.
I'm short- sighted.
I'll have to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets that square.
Well done.
The answer was, more educated.
Right.
Your turn, Sarah.
I'll go for Keith Duffy.
(CHEERING) Hiya, Sara.
Hi, Keith.
Keith, welcome to the show.
We're used to seeing you in Boyzone.
Will you do anything now, or just stand at the back and dance a bit? (LAUGHTER) At what age does a boy band become a man band? Ah, well, you see, I could tell you, but this is pre-watershed, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Keith.
According to a survey by Sky Broadband, what did 27% of Irish men say they can do more with their mums than with their partners? (LAUGHTER) Well, I am Irish and I have got a mother, so I should know the answer.
I go shopping with my mother.
I last longer with her than with my wife, cos my mother's not using my credit card.
(LAUGHTER) We go shopping with our mothers more than with our partners.
I think I'll agree.
You're wrong to agree, I'm afraid.
Cross gets that square.
The answer was, trust them.
Oh! The survey also found that Irish men are more likely than women to lie about their age and job title.
Does that sound familiar, Keith? (LAUGHTER) Wes, your turn.
I'll go for Sara Pascoe, please.
(APPLAUSE) Hi, Wes! Sara, this is your second appearance on Squares.
Yes.
I've not left since last time.
This box is bigger than my flat.
(LAUGHTER) You're sitting next to Keith.
-Yes.
-Are you a fan? -I was a fan of Boyzone, or, as I called them, Ronan and Friends.
(LAUGHTER) During a famous 2014 photoshoot, Kim Kardashian claimed she would break what? Wind.
(LAUGHTER) I do know the real answer, actually.
She said last year she'd break the internet.
I would definitely agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) It was the internet.
Kim Kardashian's bum didn't actually break the internet, but I did see a very nasty-looking crack on my screen.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) Sarah, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine for the block.
(APPLAUSE) Tim, here's your question.
According to the Cole Porter song, fleas, birds and bees all do something.
What is it? -You've done the right thing choosing me, Sarah.
This is something I know about.
Did you know that in one day, a bee produces one teaspoon of honey? Now, I know that sounds an enormous amount, but bees' teaspoons are a lot smaller than ours.
(LAUGHTER) But I think I think they all communicate using dance.
I think I'll disagree.
Oh.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square, and successfully blocks.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was fall in love.
Wes, your turn.
For the win! Trevor Noah, please.
(APPLAUSE) Trevor, welcome to the show.
-You've come all the way from South Africa.
-I have.
How are you enjoying the UK? Oh, it's great out here.
I love seeing how miserable people are.
(LAUGHTER) It's like a safari, of people's sadness.
That's why I come here, to ride in the subway and see people angry with life.
And no sun.
That's really what it is, the lack of sun.
It's destroying you as people.
But you still sell sunscreen in your stores! Hope! I like that.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Here's your question.
Trevor, which heavy metal band is named after a mediaeval torture device? All of them? (LAUGHTER) I'm going to go with Black Sabbath.
-I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square and wins the game, and a bonus of 500.
Well done! (APPLAUSE) The answer was Iron Maiden.
So after the first game, Sarah has 100, and Wes has 650.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in part 2, when they play for more cash and one of them could win a fantastic holiday.
Be there and be square! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And so I said, you could link all the computers in a sort of worldwide web.
That's how I invented the internet.
Oh.
Sorry! Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Before the break Wes won the first game, and is in the lead with 650.
But there's still everything to play for.
More importantly, at least half our celebrities have sobered up enough to know what's going on.
(LAUGHTER) Right, it's time for our second game.
(APPLAUSE) This game is just like the first, except hidden out there is a Mystery Square.
ALL: Ooh! If a contestant finds a Mystery Square, they could win a fabulous holiday to this destination.
You and your friend could be packing your bags and heading off to the vibrant Gundulic Square in the beautiful, historic country of Croatia! Courtesy of icelolly.
com you'll be experiencing its delights in a seven-night stay! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Right.
Now it's time to release the Squares! (BEEPING) And for you at home, this is where they'll find the Mystery Square.
Right.
Sarah, you're playing catch-up, so you go first.
Who would you like to choose? I'll go with Melanie Sykes, please.
(APPLAUSE) Mel.
We saw you on I'm A Celebrity.
You did, yes.
What was that like? What was your biggest challenge? I was nervous about loads and loads of things.
The worst was starvation, and being incarcerated, but the very worst thing was Edwina Currie.
That was my biggest challenge.
Really? She thought that was a dish? (LAUGHTER) Part of the Bush Tucker Trial? -Yes.
-So it got a bit tricky when she arrived.
Apart from that, I had a blast.
You looked like you enjoyed it.
I did.
It was a lot of fun.
Now, Mel, here's your question.
If you found me bending my G-string and waggling my whammy bar (LAUGHTER) what would you expect to find in my house? (LAUGHTER) Um, so, a dangly bit, and a whammy bar? I don't think I mentioned dangly bits.
-Oh, that's just me! Sorry.
You're creating images in your head now that don't actually exist.
(LAUGHS) Maybe some kind of hair thing? A straightener? Or a curling iron? I'll go straightener.
Right.
I would disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was, in fact, an electric guitar.
Yes.
So Mel, are you any good at waggling the whammy bar? I'm not good on guitar.
I play a brass instrument, though.
Do you? -I'm good with valves.
-Oh, right.
-Yeah.
Not strings.
Sue, you could do a trumpet noise? Yes, I can make a trumpet noise with my mouth.
I was hoping that's what you'd say.
(LAUGHTER) # (TRUMPETS) (LAUGHTER) (TRUMPETS ON) That's it.
I can't do any more.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Very good! I can't do that.
I'm impressed.
But Melanie can give the proper horn.
Sadly, I've never been able (LAUGHTER) Wes, your turn.
Sue Perkins.
Here's your question.
In The Wizard of Oz, which of Dorothy's companions didn't have a brain? I'm going to say the Tin Man.
-I'll have to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
Well done.
(APPLAUSE) -The answer was, the Scarecrow.
The Tin Man needed a heart and the Lion courage.
Sarah, your turn.
I'll go with Tim Vine, please.
OK, Sarah, let's do this.
Here we go.
All right, Tim? -Yes.
-Which world-famous musician has used the pseudonym The Fireman? The Fireman? You've done the right thing choosing me.
This is something I know about.
(LAUGHTER) I know about chemistry.
So if I had a canister of hydrogen, and you had a canister of nitrogen, Sarah, who's better-off? Do you know? No? Neither do I.
Your gas is as good as mine.
(LAUGHTER) But it is a piano player they're talking about.
He used to play smoking hot piano, which is why they call him Fireman.
It is Ray Charles.
-I'm going to disagree.
You're right to disagree.
Nought gets that square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was Paul McCartney.
Paul McCartney? Yes, he's been recording as The Fireman since 1993.
Wes, your turn.
-For the block, Mr Joe Wilkinson.
(APPLAUSE) Joe, in a recent survey by the website Promotional Codes, which sandwich filling was voted Britain's most popular? Well, my favourite sandwich - I'm not saying it is - is two slices of bread with another slice of bread in between them.
(LAUGHTER) White, brown, white.
Ah! (LAUGHTER) So when you buy a loaf, basically you're buying a ready made sandwich? Yeah, but I take out the white and then the brown and then I kind of swap so it's just ready to go, really.
(LAUGHTER) But I know an air traffic controller who eats only ham sandwiches.
So I'm going to say ham, ham, ham sandwich.
(LAUGHTER) I would have to disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square, and successfully blocks.
Well done.
The most popular filling was egg mayo.
Oh.
Sarah, your turn.
I'll go with Sara Pascoe for the block.
Rich Uncle Pennybags is associated with which famous game? Does he own Chelsea football team? (LAUGHTER) Um, is it a kind of board game, Rich Uncle Pennybags? Maybe that's the person that gets killed in Cluedo? Yeah, I think Cluedo.
-I will disagree You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square, and blocks.
(APPLAUSE) The answer is Monopoly.
Wes, your turn.
For the block, Keith Duffy, please.
Here we go, Keith.
What animals can collectively be known as a romp? Is it a romp a romp of beaver? (LAUGHTER) OK, a furry animal.
A romp A romp of badger.
(LAUGHTER) Badgers? Um, I'm going to disagree.
Right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) The answer was a romp of otters.
Sarah, your turn.
-For the block, I'll go with Matt Richardson, please.
(APPLAUSE) So, Matt, last year you were the no.
1 Weird Crush in Heat magazine.
I was indeed.
-And this year you dropped to no.
4, which essentially means I've got hotter! (LAUGHTER) Last year my mum voted hundreds and hundreds of times, which is actually, now I think about it, the weirdest crush possible.
You don't look that weird, although you are sat next to Joe Wilkinson.
You're welcome.
You came 8th or something.
Did I? -Yeah.
That's (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING) Matt, here's your question.
If you were using a butt pad and jerk bait, what would be your hobby? (LAUGHTER) I'd say it was a Friday night alone by myself.
But there you go.
(LAUGHTER) I think the answer's gaming.
-Um, I'll disagree.
You're right to disagree! Nought gets the square.
The answer was fishing.
Yes.
The only thing I like fishing for is compliments.
(LAUGHTER) Wes, your turn.
-Um -The board's getting so full! I know.
The holiday's still out there.
-Oh-ho-ho-ho! -UhBen Miller.
Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Wes.
You've backed the Mystery Square.
Now, if you take this square, you'll be playing for a holiday to Croatia.
ALL: Ooh! Exciting, isn't it? Ben, here's your question.
Edinburgh was the first city in the world to establish which modern emergency service? I'm going to say it was accident and emergency, A&E.
I'm going to disagree.
You were right to disagree.
Cross gets the square.
(APPLAUSE) And you win a holiday to Croatia! (APPLAUSE) Congratulations! (CHEERING) The correct answer was fire brigade.
Now we have a sudden-death situation.
Trevor is the deciding square.
Sarah, if you win this square, you win the game.
If you lose, the game will go to Wes.
OK.
So no pressure.
Trevor, Fartlek training concentrates on which sporting activity? Fartlek training.
In weightlifting you use your fartlek muscles to keep that steady so that you can for the wind.
So I'm going to go for weightlifting.
Trust me.
Um, I think I will disagree.
Why? You're right to disagree.
Nought gets the square, wins the game and a bonus of 500.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) The correct answer was running.
Let's have a look at your totals so far.
Sarah has 850, and Wes has 850.
(APPLAUSE) There's still plenty more cash to be won.
It's time for our third game, which we like to call Square Essentials.
(APPLAUSE) The Squares make statements about themselves, and our contestants must agree if they think they're telling the truth or disagree if they think they're bluffing.
This game is a double money one.
It's 100 for a square and 1.
000 for winning the game.
ALL: Ooh! So it's all to play for.
Wes, you lost the last game, so you go first.
Melanie Sykes.
Mel, let's hear your Square Essential.
One of my favourite pastimes is caravanning.
-I'd definitely say agree.
You're right to agree! Cross gets that square.
Well done.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Sarah, your turn.
I'll go for Sue Perkins, please.
-Right.
Let's hear it, Sue.
I was once awarded the title of the World's Biggest Liar.
Or was I? (LAUGHTER) I'll disagree.
You're wrong to disagree, I'm afraid.
Cross gets that square.
How do you win such a title? It's a competition that's been running for decades in this village in Yorkshire called Wasdale.
You'd get very posh sort of hikers from London, who'd come up, and the locals would tell tales, like, "We live in a big turnip.
" So every year now, in the pub, they do a tournament to recreate that.
One year I went, and won it.
Don't believe a word.
Wes, your turn.
-Ben Miller, please.
-Ben, let's hear it.
I was in the first Back to the Future film.
-I absolutely loved that film, I don't remember seeing you in it.
I'll say disagree.
You're right to disagree! Cross gets the square, and wins the game and a bonus of 1.
000.
(APPLAUSE) We can reveal the contestant with most cash, who's going through to the final, for a chance to win 25.
000.
Sarah has 850 and going through to our final is Wes, with 2.
050.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Congratulations, Wes.
Thank you.
You're through to our final.
How do you feel? Amazing! Unfortunately, Sarah, we've got to say goodbye to you.
It's been a pleasure.
-You've had fun? -Yes, I've had fun! -Sarah, everyone.
(APPLAUSE) Join us in part 3, when Wes could walk away with that 25.
000 jackpot.
Don't you go anysquare.
Welcome back to Celebrity Squares.
Wes had made it through to our final game, Question Line.
Congratulations, Wes Thanks, Warwick.
.
.
for getting to our final game.
You've got people supporting you.
Who are they? -My husband Richard, my little boy Sebastian, and my mum and dad.
Fabulous! That's lovely.
(APPLAUSE) Potentially you could go home with a huge amount of money.
Yes.
Any plans on how you might spend it? Definitely take my son and husband to Disney to see Mickey Mouse.
Definitely do that first.
Great.
Best of luck, Wes.
It's now time for Question Line.
OK.
Here's your line of questioning.
(BEEPING) You haveTim Vine, Sue Perkins, Trevor Noah.
And here are their subjects.
Whose category would you like? Sue Perkins.
So you've chosen GCSE Subjects.
Why did you go for that? I've done GCSEs, and haven't been on the Underground much, and don't know many Commonwealth countries.
Good luck.
Here we go.
Sue Perkins used to teach at a secondary school in Marylebone.
One subject she taught was Drama, a common GCSE subject taught at secondary schools.
I need you to name other GCSE subjects.
They must be subjects covered in the courses offered by the OCR Examination Board.
OK.
You have 30 seconds to light up squares.
Each lit square will win you 1.
000.
Light all nine squares and you'll take home that 25.
000.
Remember, you must wait for me to say yes or no before you go to your next answer.
-OK.
Are you ready? -Yeah.
-Your time starts now.
French.
-Yes.
-German.
-Yes.
English.
-Yes.
-Spanish.
-Yes.
Latin.
-Yes.
-History.
-Yes.
Geography.
-Yes.
-Science.
-Yes.
PE.
-Yes! (WILD CHEERING) Brilliant! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Brilliant! Well done! Wes, we add that 25.
000 to the money you've won so far, which will give you a grand total of 27.
050! Thank you so much! Well done, everyone.
How do you feel? -Amazing! Thank you so much! We're so pleased for you! That's it for tonight.
Thanks to Wes! Thanks to our Squares.
(CHEERING) And of course to you at home for watching! We'll see you next time.
Good night! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)