Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

1
Welcome back to Smelt Tank.
Now entering the Smelt Tank,
local entrepreneurs Diane Dunbrowski
and Gideon Duchamp,
who are looking to smooth things out
with their lotion business, Congeal.
Gideon, relax,
you look like you're gonna faint.
- I'm fine, just go.
- Um
Welcome to frickin' gorgeous city,
population you three.
If you woulda told me that one day
I'd be pitching to the Smelts,
I would've told you to stop mixing
your Ambien with White Claw.
Move on.
Anywho's the Boss
Cream team, hit them with the samples.
Now, I ain't great
at all the business talk,
so I'm gonna pass it over
to my little ticklish friend, Gideon.
Okay. All right.
Smelts, we have a state-of-the-art
production facility,
a direct supply line
to our main ingredients,
and a product
that people are raving about.
We are perfectly teed up
to take this to the next level.
What we need is access to major buyers
who can help us get there.
So, whaddya say?
We dealt it. Do you wanna smelt it?
I think this stuff feels great,
but I don't know the cosmetics field.
My business is pizza, some salads,
obviously pop.
Anyway, I'm out.
Yeah, I'll piggyback on that.
My business is mostly sub-oriented.
- Do they only pick food ideas?
- Subs, chips
It is Chicago.
So unfortunately, I'm out.
Mm
And then there was one.
Look, I'm a pasta girl.
- I have a whole line of sauces, noodles.
- Come on, Rancic, you too?
But I also have a cosmetics line,
so I know my lotion.
And you two are quite the combination.
This firecracker sets 'em up
and this handsome hunk knocks 'em down.
Next week is Cosmecon,
the biggest cosmetics convention
in the Midwest.
Where's she going with this?
And I could guarantee you a booth
at the convention
and a slot on the big stage
to showcase your product
in front of thousands of people.
- Congeal
- Ah shit, she's out.
you have a deal!
- Yeah, we did it!
- We did it!
Aah!
Oh my God!
- I'll give him mouth-to-mouth.
- No! I'm fine! I'm fine!
Stop churning, Mikey, it's not butter.
Go clockwise.
- Aah
- Make a circle.
Oh! Ten-four!
How's our bottle count, ladies?
Like my breasts before children.
Very high.
Fantastic!
Hold up You have kids?
And no one's getting that recipe
without going through me!
Again, we don't need you to guard it.
Who wants rib tips?
- Oh, oh, oh!
- I do! Smells good!
Mwah.
New mock-up
for the logo looks great, Daniel.
Thanks! Diane gave it "two farts up,"
but I didn't know if that was good or bad.
Speaking of, where is she?
We have an important announcement to make.
Sorry, gang! Barack's in town
and traffic's a nightmare.
Thanks, Obama.
Anyhoo, did I miss it?
Did you tell Daniel we made him a partner?
What?!
I was waiting to do it together,
like we planned.
Daniel, we have decided
to officially name you Artistic Director
and give you 10% of the company.
Oh my God! Uh!
What should I say?
I'm not great off the cuff.
You don't have to say anything,
it's just an announcement.
Right. Sorry, boss.
I'm not your boss.
And again, stop saluting people.
- Mm?
- Diane, can we talk?
Absotootly!
Gimme two secs, though.
I'm smelling rib tips.
Diane, Cosmecon is this weekend
and I need you showing up on time!
Copy that, partner.
Oh my God, Diane! Check your email!
Why? You check it for the both of us.
Girl, Borough just sent us an offer
to buy us out!
Holy shit! Gideon, we're rich!
I can get new tits, new teeth, new ass.
Mm. What else?
We are not taking this deal.
Say that again in my good ear.
Oh! New ears!
This offer is small potatoes.
With the exposure
we're about to get at Cosmecon,
we have a chance at landing a deal
ten times this amount.
It's time to think big, girl!
I always do.
Please, don't say it.
I'm talkin' 'bout cock, my friend.
Diane, girl, you is nasty.
And your shirt is covered in rib sauce.
Joke's on you.
That's marinara from last week.
Mm!
Honey, have I told you lately
how much I love my new job?
Oh, hey, hon.
What's with the lights?
And is the air off? It is boiling in here.
I didn't notice.
You're drenched in sweat.
What is going on?
Honestly, Bon,
our new incomes aren't cutting it.
After the cost of gas, cleaning,
and fender benders,
I'm barely breaking even.
Eh Oh!
We could have a yard sale.
"A yard sale"?
Our lawn is Kentucky bluegrass,
it can't handle all that foot traffic.
We need real money.
We need to seriously talk
about offloading
Don't say offloading assets.
That's a last resort.
Let's double down.
I'll take every event
the London Brothers have.
I'm already driving eight hours a day,
but I guess I could go to 12.
Mm.
Or 16.
That's the spirit! We can do this, Mark!
Enjoy your Bamboo Blaster.
I threw in some extra crickets.
Danny-bananny. Ha-ha!
So, I'm having a party.
It's nothing big, just some good friends.
Feather, wow! That's really nice of you.
See, we don't just work together,
we're friends.
Oh. No. Um
I meant, I need you to close up
the store for me Friday night.
Friday? Oh.
I actually can't. I have Cosmecon.
I'm sorry, Taurus must be rising
because I'm not communicating well today.
I wasn't asking.
Hate to play the boss card,
but I need you.
Oh my God. I just realized,
I have a boss card now.
No, uh
I was miming playing my boss card.
You can't then use it back on me.
Feather, I mean this
in the nicest way possible.
I quit.
I mean, goodbye.
Mm.
Good, you're home early!
Now that we finally struck it rich,
I'm finally putting in the hot tub!
That's a bad idea.
Also, I'm home early
because I quit my job!
Fuck yeah!
Right? It's time to spread my wings!
I mean, how pathetic is it that my life
has been just work and this apartment?
Yeah! Now your life's
gonna be only this apartment.
Oh, that's not what I meant.
My friend, we're about to go
from Hagar Van Halen, which rocks,
to David Lee Roth Van Halen,
which double rocks!
Yes, that's a lot of rocking.
Now, spread those wings
and grab that miter saw.
This tub's going in-ground.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
Excuse me, how much did you pay
for those laserdiscs?
Eight bucks.
For Junior and Twins?
Congratulations! Deal of the century!
You have them on DVD and Blu-ray.
I thought we said no yard sale.
We were gonna double down
on our jobs, remember?
I just pulled an 18-hour shift!
I got three flat tires!
I am doubling down!
I have a gig at the Cosmecon tomorrow.
I'm trying to make this work.
Hey, how much for this?
We are not gonna be able
to pay our mortgage selling our Slap Chop!
- Hmm.
- We need to put the condo on the market.
Fine. I will see Diane tomorrow
at Cosmecon
and I will tell her in person
that we're broke and we have to evict her.
- Okay, Mark?
- Sorry, how much for this?
Oh my God, just take it!
Yard sale is over!
Great! Four for four!
Without further ado,
I'll hand the floor over
to my amazing partner,
Gideon Duchamp-champ-champ
Good rehearsal, Diane.
And obviously, on the day,
you won't be doing the Pac-Man thing.
Ms. Pac-Man. Sexist.
Tomorrow, we bring our A-game.
Get a good night of rest.
Gonna sleep like a baby.
I got earplugs for Fucks Loud Sophie.
Well, if this weekend goes well,
you won't have to deal
with this sad shack anymore.
Ha! Yeah, right!
I'm never leaving this place.
I've already broken ground on the hot tub.
Your life is about to change, bish.
Get ready for a whole new Diane! 'Night.
What's wrong with the old Diane?
Hmm.
I didn't know there was
this many types of cosmetics.
All I use is a chunk of Dial soap
and a bar rag.
Don't get distracted
by all those no-names.
Focus on the heavies.
There's L'Oréal, Costco, CVS
- An open bar!
- Diane, no! Professional, remember?
Yeah, yeah. No booze,
no cooze, no weed, no speed.
- No coke, no crack, no smack, no jack
- We get it.
Here are your passes
and your hotel room keys.
Comped rooms? Hell yeah!
Bidet all day, baby!
And Daniel, they've asked you
to speak on the Artistic Directors' panel
in half an hour.
I'm on the panel?
Like, I have to talk in front of people?
Hell yeah, Danny Boy!
Okay, I can do this.
Just gonna google if there's a TED talk
about how to give a talk, I guess.
Be cool. Costco, one o'clock.
We're going to Costco at 1:00?
I gotta borrow Zuzana's card.
You must be Diane and Gideon.
A lot of buzz about Congeal
amongst the big-box stores.
- "Big box"
- Uh, thank you for stopping by.
I hope you can
make the presentation tomorrow.
Absolutely.
Then, I have to take off right away.
- You know the life of an executive.
- Sure do!
Mo money, mo hot tub problems.
No, I just meant all the travel.
Anyway, I am looking forward to mañana.
We can't be doing all that traveling.
Zuzana said she won't cover
any more of my shifts.
Sugar, when we make this sale,
you are not gonna be
working at Borough anymore.
We're gonna be worldwide, baby!
Mm.
Mm?
Mm.
You're not the boss of me.
Mm. Mm.
Hi, I'm Bonnie. I'm here for the
Great, the model is here.
Model? Wow.
Well, I was crowned
Miss Teen I-55 in high school, so
Uh
Is someone going to do my makeup?
"Before" models do their own faces.
- No! That's for "after" models only.
- Ow!
Because we think
the real product is people.
Does that make sense?
So well said, Caden.
Now, let's turn to a new brand, Congeal,
and their own 18-year-old
Daniel Whiddington.
Present!
Yikes!
So, Daniel, you bypassed college
and got into cosmetics with your aunt
who called this a, quote,
"rags to bitches" story.
So, how does that laissez faire approach
affect your back-end numbers?
Ha-ha. "Back end."
Sorry. Um I mean
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Where was I?
Um
So, sales
Ah!
What are sales?
I think that's great.
What are sales?
They're nothing.
What are people? Everything!
Does that make sense?
And our churn rate went bananas,
once I implemented
evergreen marketing at Target.
Yeah, I like to go into Target
and wear a red polo shirt
so it looks like I work there,
and then fuck with everyone.
Ugh!
Can I get a glass of chardonnay
with a pinot grigio topper?
- Bonnie? What are you doing here?
- Uh!
Oh! Are you planning
one of your big, fancy events?
Eh Yes. I am helping coordinate all the
Hey, those thin lips are on in two.
In a minute.
Whoa, you have a whole staff?
You're really killin' it, Bon.
Look at us, couple of Chicago slobs,
lathering ourselves up
with all these frou-frou beauty types.
Congeal, the Dallas market
is super excited about you!
Yeah, we'll see.
Wow. It's really happening
for you, isn't it?
Big changes.
Yeah, well, not really changes,
more like improvements
that keep everything the same.
I'm not going anywhere, Bon.
Right.
Uh
Diane, I need to tell you something.
Hello, Bonnie.
Diane, Windy City Alive wants an interview
with the both of us, now.
So, pop an Altoid. Okay? Come on.
Sorry, Bon. We'll catch up later.
But I'm proud of you! Proud of us!
Hmm.
Can I get a rosé on the side?
We are here with Congeal,
the stars of this year's Cosmecon.
Always great
to see a Chi-Town-born company!
Well, Chicago may be where we began,
but it is not where we're gonna end.
We're goin' global, baby.
But we also want to stay local.
Maybe in a couple years
expand to the 'burbs.
Well, we're thinking a bit bigger
than just the 'burbs.
Sure. Maybe we hit lower Wisconsin.
What she's trying to say is
that Congeal transcends geography.
Well, we need to "Beat It,"
but I will say, I tried a sample
and I was one "Smooth Criminal."
And cut.
Lose the Michael Jackson thing.
I have to stop doing that.
What was that?
We have to be on the same page.
"Set 'em up, knock 'em down." Remember?
May I remind you,
you're not my boss anymore?
This is a partnership.
Yeah, well, one of us
hasn't been doing their part.
I mean, you don't even check your emails.
I don't know how!
And by the way,
you're obsessed with emails.
Okay, look, just remember to behave
at the mixer tonight. Please?
Relax, my whole life's a mixer.
- Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.
- Mm.
Is this product supposed
to make my lips numb?
- Hello?
- Did you talk to your sister?
Not yet, I haven't had the chance.
Can you speed up? She's crowning!
Well, you'd better do it soon
because I can't do this much longer!
I'll tell her tomorrow, okay?
Okay, stop with the sexy voice!
Just take care of it!
Oh, it's happening! I can tell
this is gonna be a violent birth!
Oh, good Jesus!
Two Old Styles, please.
We only have Stella Artois.
Eh, bonjour, I don't speak French.
- Ugh.
- I'll take two.
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. Gideon's the one
who's all stressed out.
Okay, maybe go one for one with water?
Daniel, right? It's Caden.
Yes! Oh my God. Thank you so much
for bailing me out up there.
No worries, man.
Hey, we're hanging out
over by the Evian facial mist tent.
Do you wanna join us?
Definitely! Would it be okay
if I go over there and network for a bit?
Yeah, go and have some fun, honey.
Diane?
Hey! This beer has alcohol in it!
Ooh. Who's this hottie boom body?
This is Duane Reade, the CEO of Walgreens.
Oh! You guys got the best sushi!
We were just discussing Walgreens' foray
into more artisanal cosmetics.
We love products that have a story.
- The distribution curve for a small
- Oh, no way!
The song from Dirty Dancing!
Dirty Dancing?
- Come on, Duane, let's go!
- I
I don't think they want anyone
to dance, Diane!
So, is this your first convention?
Was it that obvious?
I felt so out of place up there.
Hey, you did great!
Besides, you don't want
to be like those people.
I mean, 18 and already an entrepreneur?
Mwah! Chef's kiss.
But sometimes I kinda feel like
I missed out by not going to college.
Oh, ew. You missed nothing.
It was all, like, parties and drinking.
Only thing I remember from college
is coming home at 3:00 a.m.
and making out with her.
And with him.
We all made out so much.
Ha, ha. Yeah, that sounds lame.
Uh, I don't remember
this part from the movie.
What about this part?
Not the lift. It's so dangerous!
And it's from an entirely different movie!
- No!
- What a feeling ♪
No, no, no!
Oh, that was awful.
Nobody puts Baby on the corner!
Ow
That image of your vagina
will haunt me to my grave!
Relax, you sound like my dentist.
Diane, that was a disaster!
You're lucky we still have
the Borough deal
because at this rate, we're not gonna
have any options after the presentation!
Oh, I passed on that.
What?!
You said to be a partner,
so I checked my email and did my part!
You wet-brained fool!
You said it was small potatoes!
Yes, but they were
the only potatoes we had!
Now, we have no potatoes!
Okay, all this potato talk
has got me hungry.
I'm gonna order some tots.
You know, I would be fine
if the only life you ruined was your own,
but that's never the case, is it?
You have to bring down
everyone around you.
Everybody. It's a sickness! You're sick!
Hey! I don't need this bullshit!
I was perfectly happy
until you took my product
and tried to make it something it's not.
I'm not gonna let you do the same to me!
You best be headed to your room
because that presentation tomorrow
is our last hope!
And put on some goddamn underwear!
Now, you sound like my eye doctor!
Daniel! Where the hell is Diane?!
I don't know. I thought
the plan was to meet here.
No, I know the plan, I made the plan!
Call her, she's not picking up for me.
On it.
You okay, lady?
Ugh
Is this Heaven?
Nope. It's Chicago.
Holy cow! Barack Obama!
Oh my God, I frickin' love you!
I voted for you, like, six times!
You're looking a little beat up.
At first, I thought
you were a wet fur coat.
Yeah, I had a rough night.
I can see. You want to talk about it?
Okay. She's not in her room.
She's not at the omelette bar,
she's not at the waffle bar.
She's not at the bar bar!
Oh, sweet Lord Jesus,
this cannot be happening!
I need her! She's the Penn to my Teller!
Or maybe she's Teller, I don't know.
Which one doesn't shut the fuck up?
We're gonna take a short break,
but up next is Congeal!
I'll check the bathroom!
Women's and men's!
Mm.
Okay, Bonnie, prep any poses
that accentuate your cellulite.
Uh
Yeah, that's perfect.
Hello!
Mark, I can't do this anymore.
Me neither!
Because my car was just stolen
by a group of teenagers
in Muncie, Indiana!
What? Are you okay?
No, I am not!
It's over. Put the condo on the market.
Already did! I love you!
Hey, cellulite, we're ready for you.
Oh, fuck off. I quit!
And then he tells me we're not
gonna be in Chicago anymore.
I mean, who in their right mind
would leave this place?
Well, I did.
Yeah, but that's different.
You had to for your career.
So
Oh!
Okay, you walked me into that one.
Diane, you just have to remember
that change is a part of life,
and embracing that change
doesn't mean you're not being yourself.
Whoa! I wish you could
give this presentation!
Not happening. Speaking of which,
when does that start?
Not until, like, 11:00.
Well, it's 10:55.
Ah, shit! I gotta go!
Hey, is there any way I can get a ride?
Yes. You. Can.
Thanks, Obama.
Shotgun!
- Freeze!
- Get on the ground!
When I saw these two on Smelt Tank,
I knew I had netted a winner.
Chicago Cosmecon,
please welcome to the stage, Congeal!
- Yes, alright!
- Woo-hoo!
Hello! Who's ready to freakin' party
while also moisturizing?
Okay then.
My name is Gideon Duchamp.
Or as Pac-Man would say,
Gideon Duchamp-champ-champ-champ.
Actually, it was Ms. Pac-Man.
Does that help the joke?
Come on.
Don't faint, don't you fucking faint!
Hello, Cosmecon!
Thank God!
Who's ready to frickin' party
while moisturizing?
Come on, everyone on your feet!
Ta-da-da-da!
Talking to you, mustache. Ta-da-da-da!
On your feet, glasses!
Ta-da-da-da-da!
Y'all ready for Congeal?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Okay, let's get real.
I started making lotion as a way
to give gifts to the people I care about
while also being super cheap.
And while a lot has changed,
one thing that hasn't is the love
that goes into this product.
And thanks to this sweet man right here
who dreamed big
and pushed me out of my comfort zone,
we have a killer business plan
and both of us are ready
to take this to the next level.
Gid, take it away, baby.
Thank you, Diane.
As my partner pointed out,
our journey is just as impressive
as our product.
Our projection is the future
In conclusion, Congeal frickin' rocks!
And we hope our presentation
has given you a big lift!
Diane, no!
Not the lift from Dirty Dancing again!
I'm wearing underwear!
This song is literally called
"Flashdance," parentheses,
"What a Feeling."
No
- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoa!
JK, I'm not wearing underwear.
Whoo! Diane, child, you is nasty!
And I am here for it, honey!
I gotta say, that was incredible!
Really blew me away!
Does this mean we have a deal?
- Yeah, that's a no.
- What?
- Why?
- It came down to numbers.
It's not cost-effective
to have Congeal in a large retail space.
But great job! You two nailed that lift!
I'm so sorry, Gid.
No, Diane, I'm sorry.
The line between boss and bossy
can get really blurred sometimes.
Should we do a sad hug?
Oh, most definitely, bitch.
Mm!
Hey! Check your email!
Bird got my phone.
It's from Borough!
They said they appreciate
the hardball approach
and they want to double their offer!
Are you telling me we just sold
our company for a shit ton of money?
You know what this means!
Let's frickin' party!
Hey, that's my line!
I'm so happy for you, Miss Dunbrowski!
Hey, you call me Diane. Or Mom.
We're real proud of you, Ma.
Thank you, guys. I love you all.
Even you, Kurt.
You never cease to amaze me, Di.
My other family!
I am gonna cut hair next to you three
until the day I fuckin' die.
Which won't be for a while
because now I can
afford fruits and vegetables.
Appletinis don't count as fruit.
But vodka is potato.
Thank you, Carl. Phew!
Thank God, we have a buyer.
He's emailing the paperwork now.
Okay. I'm just gonna tell her.
Well, if it isn't my favorite sister
and her first husband.
- "First husband"?
- Diane, this is so amazing.
And I am really proud of you.
Aww.
I know this is bad timing, but we had
to make a tough decision and
I'm so sorry,
but we need to sell the condo.
You snakes!
You're doing this to me again?!
Diane, please. We would never do this
if there were any other options.
How soon before I'm out on my ass?
Well, we actually just got a buyer.
Who is it? I want a name!
Uh, it was sold to a Tits McGee?
It's me, you assholes! I bought the condo!
Wait, what?
The Borough deal was just enough for me
to pay you guys what you were asking.
Wow! Well, congrats, homeowner!
I have to tell you guys something.
This gap year was the best decision
I ever made.
Aunt Diane, I love living with you!
Back at ya, kiddo.
But I really need
to find some friends my own age.
So, I'm going to college!
Traitor! I made you, ya little shit!
Relax, I'm going to DePaul,
it's 11 blocks away.
I'm still living with you.
Whoo-hoo!
Did you hear, Mom and Dad?
We're going back to college!
Well, not "we," I am.
And you guys can relax too.
I'm using my money from the buyout
to cover my first year of tuition.
Ah! Thank you! I can't be a Postmate.
Even the smell of spicy food
gives me heartburn.
Attention, everyone!
I'd like to make a toast
to the Congeal team.
We did it!
Congratulations, Congeal!
Where are the other Bulls?
And thanks to all of you for being you.
Because you being you
is what makes me be me.
Now, let's frickin' party!
Okay, nobody panic!
Everyone, grab a glow stick!
- Already on it!
- Yay!
That's what I'm talkin' about!
The party never stops
when you're with Diane!
All I'm sayin' is, prove me wrong.
Tell me I'm wrong!
Don't need nothin' but a good time ♪
How can I resist ♪
Ain't lookin' for nothin'
But a good time ♪
And it don't get better than this ♪
They say I spend my money
On women and wine ♪
But I couldn't tell you
Where I spent last night ♪
I'm really sorry
About the shape I'm in ♪
I just like my fun every now and then ♪
I'm always workin', slavin' every day ♪
Gotta get away
From that same old, same old ♪
I need a chance just to get away ♪