Clarkson's Farm (2021) s02e08 Episode Script

[theme music playing]
[intriguing music]
[a car approaches]
[Kaleb] No one's gonna see us?
They will, but they won't know
what we're doing.
[Jeremy] We've gotta start, Alan says,
-from about there.
-[Kaleb] Yeah, the corner
[Kaleb] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] That corner, yeah?
-Yeah.
We've gotta call Lisa, because
we can't see where we're headed for.
[Kaleb groans]
Hello, hi.
Could you drive over to the barn,
and then turn round
and point the car at me,
-and then I can see where I'm headed?
-[Lisa] Gotcha.
[Jeremy] All right, K, can you hear me?
Yeah, loud and clear.
All right, drop her down, then.
[Kaleb] Just aim for them lights, yeah?
[Jeremy] Yeah.
[Kaleb] All right, go.
[engine revving]
[Jeremy] How's it looking?
[Kaleb] Yeah, good.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
[Jeremy] I don't wanna talk
too loudly in here,
'cause the walls have ears, as we know.
We've gotta get power
and water to the restaurant.
Yeah.
[Jeremy] The problem is,
if we go out now,
OK, and dig that trench,
people are going to see.
But after dark,
if you just see tractor lights,
you're just gonna assume..
"He's working late.
Drilling the--"
-Fertilising.
-Yeah.
[Jeremy] How much is that pipe?
-It's about a pound a metre, isn't it?
-Yeah, yeah.
If we go straight across the field
[Kaleb] We could have had this whole idea
before we planted our spring barley.
It's all coming up, looking lovely.
You don't even like the hounds
and the horses over the ground
when you're planting it.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Great big horses running along it
and making it bumpy as hell.
I literally don't know
what you two are talking about.
Unless there's sort of a hundred of 'em,
I mean, like this, with his feet marks.
You don't have any more rain now.
It's dry
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[Jeremy] How are we doing?
A third of the way, I'd say.
There it is. The barn.
Soon to be restaurant.
Stop!
My hands my hands
Go on!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] This is ridiculous.
We're trying to do
ecological farming,
start a restaurant so we can make
the cows profitable,
and we support local farmers,
and we're having to do this at night
so the village doesn't see us.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] We had no choice, though.
We had to resort to stealth and secrecy,
because after the local authority
refused to give us permission
for even a simple farm track,
we'd begun to think they really were
on the war path.
[Jeremy] What the--?
What the bloody hell's all that lot?
Holy cow. Look at it.
This is presumably to stop parking
at the shop.
But look how far they've gone.
What the?
You can't block of
the entrance to my own field.
Whoever's done this has gone mad.
I think we'll go
and find Charlie Ireland.
He'll know what to do.
[Jeremy] Have you seen?
-I am flabbergasted.
-I know.
[Charlie] The-- the--
I mean Talk about being aggressive.
You know, no consultation. Nothing.
[Jeremy] No.
There's two kilometres of them.
This is quite literally
as far as the eye can see.
Somebody's been along
and sprayed where to mark them.
[Jeremy] Where to put them.
And they've also put them
in front of the gates.
Yes, I noticed that. I thought,
"Well, how am I gonna get into my f--"
[Jeremy] We can't get
the tractors into the fields.
-Oh look, illegal!
-Illegal!
-[Charlie] You can't stop there.
-[Jeremy] You can't stop there.
No, no. You can't stop there.
The council has made it absolutely plain
that that elderly gentleman
can't be dropped off by the bus
and he has to travel
two kilometres down there
Just to go down there!
[car honking]
[Jeremy] Gerald? No.
Someone disguised as Gerald.
-No, it is Gerald.
-[Charlie] It is.
-And Mrs Gerald.
-Well, he can't stop.
No, he can't!
[Charlie laughs]
Normally we would have had
a conversation with Gerald.
But he can't stop.
So, what this leads me to think
is what else are they thinking?
What are they going to do?
Because they won't stop here.
This is just the first stage
of total action against the site.
[intriguing music]
[Jeremy] Our immediate worry
was that though we'd been told
we were completely within our rights
to turn the barn into a restaurant,
we were obliged to inform the council,
which would give them the opportunity
to try and stop us.
detail of how we get there
[Jeremy] So, Charlie and I agreed
the best tactic was speed.
So, what we will do is send an email
notifying the council of our plans.
We will then need to go hell for leather
to get the restaurant built, fitted
and serving food within two days.
Our hope is that by the time
the email notification has got
through the chain of command
at the council,
we'll be up and running,
serving food before the council
have got time to object.
[military music]
[Jeremy] With the plan sorted out
-You've got three pillars.
-[Alan] Yes.
[Jeremy] The kitchen takes up
the first
[Jeremy] I sat down with Alan
to go through the building work.
What do you recommend for flooring here?
[Alan] You can level it out.
Put a bit of hardcore down.
Put some pallets down.
Put some inch marine ply on the top.
Keep it rustic.
We get a lovely finish there.
-And then this is gonna be turfed.
-Yeah.
What I'd like to do is between each
of these pillars on the front,
security chain link, you know
-Yeah.
-Things that you pull down.
Padlock them.
And it becomes a secure unit.
Yeah, yeah.
So what we're gonna need is a hatch here,
through to Lisa's VIP dining room.
[Alan] How many people
are we getting in there?
[Jeremy] They reckon four.
It's not four of me and you,
that's for sure.
[Jeremy] No, well, that
-Fucking 'ell.
-I know.
[Alan] That door opens inwards.
We're gonna have to turn that round.
'Cause if that opens inwards
it'll knock the fucking table over.
That's true.
That'll have a new roof on it.
[Jeremy] And a little window.
Are you gonna put glass in this?
No, shutters. Wood.
Oh, OK.
What we're gonna do with the wall inside,
see, a lot of people just paint it
with lime wash.
That kills everything.
If you leave the natural stone there
-Yeah, exactly.
-Give it a good clean finish.
[Jeremy] On top of this already
lengthy job list,
Alan would also have to install
and plumb in the kitchen.
So, I was not looking forward
to giving him the timetable.
Now, the big problem we've got
is that we're going to tell the council
that this is happening.
We then need to have it
fully operational in
Yeah, go on.
Two days.
-Fucking 'ell!
-I know.
-You remember Challenge Anneka?
-Yeah.
It'd be a bit like Challenge Anneka.
'Cause as soon as we tell them,
before they have a chance
to come round and say
"That's not viable, you can't do it,"
we have to say, "It is viable, look,
we've done it."
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got ya.
[Jeremy] So for the next ten days,
I want that site to be dead quiet.
-[Alan] Nothing?
-Nothing doing.
[Jeremy] And then as soon
as we send the email, we go.
[Jeremy] We needed ten days
before sending the email
so that Alan could round up a workforce
and find all the materials.
I also needed some time to get some
pressing farming jobs out of the way,
like helping Viktor,
our Ukrainian bee man,
build some new hives close
to the pollen-rich echium.
Ukraine? Family OK?
Yeah, they're OK.
Yeah, they're OK.
They're alive, that's the main thing.
Rockets flying around
but they are toughies.
Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.
Yeah.
[bees buzzing]
OK.
Don't sting me. Don't sting me.
So they'll have to do
a waggle dance here, won't they?
[Viktor] Well, they do waggle dance
when they find source of nectar.
[Jeremy] Exactly.
So when the echium grows,
what will happen is one of the bees
that finds it
will come back and do
this really complicated little dance
outside the hive.
-[Viktor] Yeah.
-And then that shows the others
how far away the echium is
and in what direction.
-That's right, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-Look at that. Dripping with honey.
-[Viktor] Dripping, yeah. Nice.
[Jeremy] That's stunning, isn't it?
God, they're good animals.
Creatures. Beasts.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] Then, there was
the annual inspection needed
to renew my Red Tractor certificate.
[man] I assume we've had
a bit of a spillage.
It's gonna want a sweep-up.
[Jeremy] A quality Kitemark which
requires a farm to be clean and well run.
Right, if we can just close the door up
to make sure it seals up,
that would be great.
Sure.
[pushes button]
Oops, sorry.
I pushed the wrong button.
[pushes button]
[pushes button]
I really have pushed the wrong button.
Oh?
[pushes button]
[pushes button]
No, can't help you
with that at the moment.
[man] How often
are you checking the cattle?
-[Jeremy] Checking on them?
-Yeah.
-Every day.
-Yeah.
-Twice a day.
-Right.
No, I know where they are
at any given moment.
[Jeremy] Cows?
Cows?
Where the hell are they all?
-They could have gone for a drink.
-[man] Yeah.
[Jeremy] No.
[Jeremy] Cows?
-[Jeremy] This is really embarrassing.
-Yep.
[Jeremy] When the inspector left,
I wasn't 100% sure
I'd get my Red Tractor stickers.
But I did.
And the next day I was collared
by an excited Kaleb,
who had some more good news.
I've got something to show you.
Oh, phone. Right.
[Jeremy] For the last few weeks,
whenever anyone got their phone out,
my heart was in my mouth,
because we'd all been on filming duty
with Pepper and the bull,
anxiously watching to see
if they'd get it on.
So far, the bull had managed
a bit of drinks-party chat.
But that was it.
The rest of the time,
he was swiping right elsewhere.
[groans]
Nevertheless, I lived in hope.
-I've got a video evidence
-No?
-Of the bull
-No?
Jumping on Pepper.
Oh, she's not--
No, look, is that foreplay?
-Ooh, he's on! He's on!
-Ready? And then
-Done.
-What?
There you go!
-He never got it in.
-He did.
He didn't!
I can zoom in on, if you want me to.
He didn't get it in.
Watch.
[Jeremy] So, foreplay over.
On he goes. Not in, not in.
-[Kaleb] In.
-[Jeremy] Is he?
[Kaleb] Yeah, yeah,
look at his little hips moving.
See that little jump at the end?
[Jeremy] Well, that's the fastest sex
in history.
[Kaleb] Rabbits are faster, aren't they?
That was him pumping the good stuff
into Pepper.
That's good news.
He took her virginity.
I've seen him serving five
in the last week.
I've seen him do two.
And I just thought,
"He's never gonna do Pepper."
Thought he was gonna do the dogs
before he did Pepper.
This is brilliant.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Ten days had passed
since my meeting with Alan.
And this evening,
Charlie would send an email
telling the council of our plans.
Then, tomorrow,
the frantic restaurant build,
our last chance of success,
would begin.
[Alan] We're gonna lay 'em on the floor,
aren't we?
[Jeremy] In the yard,
Alan had assembled his materials.
[Alan] The pallets are brilliant,
aren't they?
That's really what you call recycling,
this is.
[Jeremy] But he was still unhappy
about the timetable.
We need a fucking wand.
Whose wand?
Oh, a magic wand.
Well, it was your idea, so.
Yeah, but we always agreed
it was gonna be a couple of weeks,
not fucking two days.
It's all right!
Are you coming up to help us?
Yeah.
[Alan] Let's get them pallets up.
[Jeremy] I'll bring these up.
Early. Let's have an early kick-off.
-What time?
-About six o'clock.
-All right.
-Long old day. You know what I mean?
Yeah.
OK.
That's it done. Now sent it.
[Jeremy] The council now knows.
So I've got 48 hours to turn
the Lowland Barn into a restaurant.
[upbeat music]
[Alan] First things first.
This job, to get this kitchen
in tomorrow,
depends on getting this floor down.
So the kitchen units can go
in Friday morning.
Otherwise we're done for,
you ain't gonna be open.
[Jeremy] Shit.
[Jeremy] Having loaded up the pallets
that would form the base of the floor,
I set off to the restaurant
as quickly as possible.
But getting there was harder
than I thought.
[Jeremy] Oh well, now,
this isn't very good, is it?
Because I'm in a tractor
and there's a bus coming.
Oh shit.
[Jeremy chuckling]
Sorry about this!
Sorry! Well done, council.
You've really improved everything here.
Yeah, I'm not sure
they've thought this through.
[upbeat music]
That's some tool, ain't it,
to bring a few pallets?
Go careful. Don't break 'em all, then.
[worker] Yeah.
Steady, so you don't break 'em.
Fucking 'ell. Get out of the way.
You know what he's like.
[Jeremy] Are they all off?
[Alan] Yeah, we got 'em now, haven't we?
[Jeremy] I've gotta back this out
of here now.
[Alan] What do you reckon?
Can you reverse round there?
[Jeremy] I'm not going Bloody hell.
This is gonna be a bit awkward, this.
No, 'cause if I back
No, there's no way.
I've got to go out forward.
I've got to go, I can't reverse.
Come on, Lambo.
You can get round here.
He ain't gonna hit that post, surely?
Let's have a wager.
[Jeremy] As it happens,
I didn't hit the post.
-'Cause I didn't get that far.
-[crashing sound]
-[Alan] What's that?
-[Kaleb] Wait. Whoa!
Ow! Stop!
What?
[Kaleb] Oh fucking Look at this.
You've wrapped a load of wire around
the bearings of the trailer's wheel.
Just look what you have done.
[Kaleb] Look at all the metalwork
under there.
-[Jeremy] Oh shit!
-[Alan and Kaleb] Yeah!
[Kaleb] 'Cause it wrapped round
the drum of the brakes and everything.
[Jeremy] So there's obviously
an old metal fence in there.
-[Alan] Yeah, it must have been.
-[Kaleb] Not anymore.
-It's not a fence now.
-[Kaleb] No.
-Why didn't you just wait for me?
-Where were you?
-Well, honestly, I would have--
-Where were you?
I was getting the loader.
And I almost got stuck
'cause the bus was there.
[Kaleb] Fucking hell.
Alan, let Jeremy do that.
You better get back to work.
[Jeremy] Yeah, you do need
to get back to work.
Yeah, I do, 'cause we're gonna be late.
-[Kaleb] Why couldn't you just wait?
-Because we haven't got time to wait.
[Kaleb] Yeah, but now, we're doing this.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] With me banned
from all large equipment
the work finally kicked into gear.
[Jeremy] Lovely job.
[Jeremy] Interrupted only by Charlie
being Charlie.
Who's got the health and safety policy?
[Jeremy] What are you saying?
[Charlie] The guy with the cutting blade
should really have
a bit more protective kit on.
You know, the glasses, sparks, gloves.
You know, it's just
Well, he's Er
He does this every day of his
What am I supposed to say to him?
"Can you wear PPE?"
Yes.
[Jeremy] Despite Mother Hen's fears,
nobody lost their limbs.
But even so, at the end of the day,
we were way behind schedule.
[Alan] We're gonna have to put planks
across that new turf, aren't we?
[Jeremy] The only good bit of news is
that nobody seemed to have noticed
what we were up to.
[Jeremy] Right.
I haven't heard from the council.
So, that's good.
And it's been 23 hours
since they were informed
that they're getting
a restaurant out here
in the middle of our farm.
[lively country music]
[Jeremy] The next morning,
Alan's team were back
at the site bright and early.
But once again, I wasn't.
Because as I was trying
to leave the farmyard,
I got news that there were issues
at the old hen houses.
There should be about 50
or maybe 60 hens in here.
Shit.
That's not good news.
Oh no. More.
[Jeremy] In fact,
there were exactly none.
A fox can't get through here at all.
A mink can.
[Jeremy] Then, as I was heading
for my car
Everything, everything
[Jeremy] Lisa told me there was
a problem with the water pressure.
We cannot run out of water.
The whole prep kitchen's just out there.
-Oh, that's very, very low.
-[Jeremy] Shit.
[man] Is there any pressure
on the gauge on the RO?
I don't know what the RO is
and I don't know where the gauges are.
[man] Right.
I'll get somebody out to you today.
We're opening a restaurant.
You know, "today" isn't really
gonna help us, I don't think.
I mean, like "now" would really help.
Fucking Brexit.
We'd have had a Pole here like--
[mimics vibration]
And he would have done like that.
Well, it wouldn't have broken
in the first place, would it?
[Jeremy] Finally, though, I was in my car
and heading down the farm drive
to the restaurant site.
[Jeremy] Literally Look at this.
This is Who are you?
[man] Hi. I'm collecting
from you today. Courier.
[Jeremy] Somebody up there
will sort you out. Thanks.
And you are?
Delivering something
from Station Mill Antiques.
[Jeremy] Station Mill Antiques?
OK, good, thank you.
And you're Jack Carling.
You're working for us.
And who's this one in the pickup truck?
Morning. What are you here to do?
The young girl's hurt her foot.
[Jeremy] So, one of the employees
has hurt her foot? Lovely. Thank you.
-Here we go.
-[Paddy] I need
-Paddy!
-I'm sorry No, don't worry.
No, it's all right.
Everyone else is-
Can I bring a man with a gun?
The foxes have destroyed our chickens
in that coppice.
-Tonight.
-Yeah.
I don't think it's a fox.
-What do you think it is?
-Mink.
-Can I still try and shoot it tonight?
-Yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, thanks, Paddy.
[Jeremy laughs]
Welcome to farming!
[Kaleb] Oh shit.
If you can back up again,
or get over a little bit,
I can try and come out this way
and then go round there.
I've gotta go round there.
[Jeremy] Hi, Alan.
[Alan] Hello, mate. All right?
We're running out of water.
Header tank's got about that much in it.
[Jeremy] And then we discovered
a possible reason
why the water pressure was so low.
Someone left the sprinkler on
and soaked the floor,
so we've got to dry it out first.
[Jeremy] Shit !
So when do you think we can get
the kitchen fitters in?
[man] So, we've got to get it
decent enough dry enough
[Jeremy] Fucking hell.
-[Kaleb] Is that the kitchen?
-Yes.
-Oh shit
-Yeah.
I thought the kitchen
would have been in by now.
No, I've been waiting
for the flooring to be finished.
Shitting 'ell.
["Take The Long Way Home"
by Supertramp playing]
[Jeremy] The issues and delays
were a constant nuisance.
I've gotta come round here, you see?
[Jeremy] But this is Team Diddly Squat
The tables are only going in and
[Jeremy] And we were determined
to catch up.
[music continues]
[Jeremy] I'm sending a tweet
about the restaurant opening.
I'm four letters over.
[music continues]
Did you see the first series
of Clarkson's Farm?
No.
[Jeremy] This is covered,
unless there's a westerly blowing,
in which case everyone gets drenched.
Lavatories are an issue.
They're a quarter of a mile away.
This whole menu is basically a beef menu.
We've got a deep-fried croquette, beef,
bone marrow on courgettes.
We've got an empanada with, um
[Jeremy] We're calling that a pasty.
Yeah, a pasty. It is a pasty.
It's just I'm used
to spending time with this one.
I'm Argentinian.
-[Jeremy] You're Argentinian?
-Yeah.
[laughter]
[Alan] That's near enough.
That'll do. Lovely.
[Jeremy] Are you ready
for the VIP suite?
[Pip] Yeah.
[Jeremy] This is when David Beckham
comes, or Simon Cowell.
[Pip] So this is very intimate, yeah.
-You just need people my size in here!
-Exactly.
Look at that!
Four knives to wash up.
Stupid.
I'm just gonna put them
on the chairs for the moment.
Look at that, Alan.
[Alan] Oh, brilliant.
[Jeremy] By six o'clock, amazingly,
Alan's guys and the landscape boys
had finished all their work.
So, Pip's kitchen team could start.
[music ends]
I've gotta be honest,
that was impressive.
'Cause it's just
We had to do it in two days, and you said
"Oh, that's gonna be tight." But
We've done it, haven't we.
Brilliant, yeah.
And then now look who's arriving.
None other than Kaleb Cooper,
with all the tables and chairs.
Annoyingly, that's quite impressive,
that reversing.
I wonder if he reversed out
of his mother's womb?
I bet he did, with a trailer
attached to the back of him.
[Jeremy] As we unloaded the furniture
We noticed a strange gathering
moving towards us through the barley.
[intriguing music]
[Jeremy] At first, Kaleb thought
it was a council hit squad.
But actually,
it was something I'd arranged.
You got it?
Yeah.
[choir singing "Jerusalem"]
Bring me my Bow of burning gold ♪
[Jeremy] A little treat
for a job well done
Motivation.
This is wicked.
Come on, let's do this!
Bring me my Spear
O clouds unfold ♪
[Jeremy] the Cotswolds
Male Voice Choir
Bring me my Chariot of fire ♪
I will not cease ♪
[Jeremy] singing "Jerusalem"
From Mental Fight ♪
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand ♪
[Jeremy] with a twist
Till we have built a restaurant ♪
In England's green ♪
[Lisa] I love that!
And pleasant Land ♪
[whistling and applauding]
[intriguing music]
[Jeremy] Our first guests
would be arriving in five hours,
and I was praying that Clarkson's Farm
wouldn't turn into
one of those reality shows
where everything goes wrong
against the clock.
But, two hours later
What's that?
It looks like rat poison.
Get that water cleared up.
[clanking]
[drilling]
Where do you want
the washing-up liquid?
And that.
What the fuck is all this?
[Pip] I told him to get bigger spoons.
We're going to get a fridge in,
but we cannot have
that walk-in fridge down here.
We need another fridge in here then.
Compromise.
[Jeremy] We're opening
in two and three-quarter hours.
I just thought that was the idea,
to put it down here.
[Jeremy] No. No way. No way.
[clanking and drilling continues]
[Pip] This needs to fill, this shit needs
to come out and get it hot, though.
There's a film crew here,
so we've got 3,000 gallons of water
unnecessarily hanging around.
Shit, there's paint!
What the fucking hell?
Who's left fucking paint here?
[overlapping conversations]
[woman] Hi. Can I help you?
Do you wanna come round here?
What's your name?
-Zoe Townsend.
-Zoe. There we are.
[Jeremy] The guests have arrived.
We are clearing now.
Clear, everyone.
Everyone, no matter how important
you are, start clearing up.
[Jeremy] What's happening?
You swept there a minute ago,
I know you did.
[Jeremy] Unaware
of the chaos at the site,
our first guests were being greeted
by our front-of-house manager.
[Gerald] That's the same as me.
I walked in the sun,
now I'm driving in it.
It don't really work properly,
you know what I mean?
[Jeremy] They would then be taken
to the restaurant
in a tractor-and-trailer combo
driven by Kaleb,
who'd really smartened himself up
for the big day.
Not that the big day was ready
to happen just yet.
[Jeremy] I haven't got time for this.
We've got people here now
and we've got two sittings to get--
-Charlie, hi.
-How can I help?
[Jeremy] Fancy unwrapping some plates?
Looks good. They sent the weather.
[Jeremy] It was just beyond a tip
ten minutes ago, they say,
"Our first guests have arrived."
Nothing's been cooked.
We'll have to put on the menu:
"Some of these dishes may contain
Jeremy Clarkson's forehead sweat."
[Pip] No, no. What are you doing?
Where's fucking Lisa gone?
[Lisa] Wow. Perfect.
[Jeremy] Pip? From now on,
we're not bringing cars down here.
But how are we gonna get the food
from the trailer to here?
[Jeremy] We're not gonna use a car.
So we'll have to use Tractor?
Impossible.
Too long, if you wanna open.
Is that Chris's van? Fucking hell.
[man] Um, Jeremy?
One of the plugs has gone,
which is really important
to where they're cooking all the pasta.
Electrician's ten minutes away.
[Kaleb] All right, hurry up then,
they're all getting a bit hot
and a bit-- you know.
All right then. Bye-bye.
He's panicking.
There is a little bit of a delay.
There's an electrical problem
down the other end.
[Gerald's phone ringing]
Hello?
Up at the farm shop,
and there's people here.
Somebody's gonna go whoosh
But, you know.
There's been a small delay.
It's an electrical problem, I hear.
So there will be a little bit
of a wait to get on.
How long are you gonna be?
Five minutes.
Can I put this in the back of my car
and take it away?
[woman] I think we need to mop first.
We can't, the guests are here.
Fuck it, it's a farm.
[sighs]
Never again.
Who are you waiting for?
[man] I need to drop off these
for the waitresses.
Well, here's a tip.
If you've got a job to do,
get out the car and fucking run,
because we need to move this car.
Oh, fucking hell, there's another one
coming down. Who's this?
What the fuck are you doing?
-What?
-We've got your food.
Good. Drop it off.
[Jeremy] At this point, I realised
that my inner Gordon Ramsay
was doing more harm than good.
So I made a decision.
I'm gonna move myself now.
I just love the way our host is leaving,
about five minutes after
the restaurant was meant to open.
Well, all hands on deck.
[overlapping conversations]
[Kaleb] I've got some water, everyone.
Anyone want some water?
There we go. There we go.
I keep saying "five minutes"
and "five minutes"
and then people are just thinking,
"He's talking shit now."
[Pip] Whoa. Tom, what's going on?
Can we just hurry up?
Take that out.
Move this all down there.
The pasta cooker is not working?
Yeah. There's a fault on it.
There's a problem on the appliance.
OK. So you're just going?
Well, there's nothing we can do.
[Pip] Nine. Nine of them.
Come on.
I'm gonna load everyone up, fuck it.
[Kaleb] You have to walk right to the end
and then come back down to this side.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] As it happened,
Kaleb had made the right call,
because as he ferried the guests
to the site,
Pip's team,
clearly used to this kind of pressure,
had started to make actual food.
[Pip] Olive oil, lemon juice.
Six, seven, eight.
[Jeremy] Then, having taken a calm pill,
I came back.
Welcome, everybody.
Slightly unusual way to arrive
at a restaurant, I know.
But anyway, I'll get you off the back.
And there we are.
[Jeremy] Put that away.
[Kaleb] What?
[Pip] Yeah, ready. Go.
[woman] Hello, guys. How's it going?
[guest] Wow. Thank you.
[woman] I hope you guys are ready
for a feast.
[Pip] OK, just one more portion.
[Jeremy] The diners tucked in,
to the accompaniment of either me,
in Basil Fawlty mode
-How are you?
-Hello.
Good, good. Nice of you to come.
Thank you.
Hello.
Welcome. Thank you for coming.
[Jeremy] Or Charlie, telling them more
than they needed to know about wheat
Germ wheat in the pasta.
I'm particularly proud of the germ wheat,
'cause it normally grows in Italy.
And I grew it below Bury Hill south.
[Jeremy] Was that fine? Were you all
-[woman] Absolutely delicious.
-Good. Thank you. Thank you.
The hardest thing was getting
the germ wheat from Italy,
as the seed, through customs.
It sat at Calais for ten days.
[lively music]
One on there as well.
-[man] Yeah.
-[Pip] Yeah.
-How are you doing in there, guys?
-[woman] Amazing.
- It's really nice.
- Yummy.
[Jeremy] Inevitably,
the moment then arrived
when someone needed to visit the loos,
which were at the farm shop
on the other side of the field.
Recognising that this
might be an issue
I'd laid on a rapid-response
delivery system.
[laughter]
[man] We're all too scared to go now.
[Jeremy] But sadly, the process
was slowed down somewhat
by Charlie being Charlie again.
You need to get
your protective equipment on to use
It's serious.
[woman] Look, she's got to put a helmet
and a suit on!
[Charlie] Yeah, and then
there's the hat. OK.
Sorry, we're just following
health and safety rules.
[engine revving]
[woman screams]
Oh hell.
[chuckles]
[lively music]
[Jeremy] Loo breaks aside,
people did seem to be enjoying
themselves and our food.
And throughout the afternoon,
a steady stream of guests came and went.
Aw. Thank you very much.
I don't blame him.
Forward, forward.
Mind now. Watch out. Come on, forward.
[Jeremy] David Beckham
actually did turn up.
As did Diddly Squat friends,
such as Georgia,
from the National Farmers' Union.
It's quite amazing
to see it all come together, though.
[Jeremy] And Tim and Katy,
who'd sold us our cows
and wanted to see what they tasted like.
Hey! How are you?
What did you say to me about Pepper?
You said I've got to look after Pepper,
didn't you?
Exactly. And Pepper
is having a great time.
She's got a boyfriend.
She's got lots of lovely grass.
She's incredibly happy, Pepper.
[Charlie] The pasta's
from the germ wheat.
So it's gone down to be milled
at Matthew's Mill.
And they've got a special
double-O flour thing. So that's
[Jeremy] As the evening light
became golden on this perfect,
warm summer's day
[soft music]
[Jeremy] I kept pinching myself
that we'd actually done it.
That we'd opened a restaurant
in the face of such a relentless barrage
of opposition.
[man] But the fact is,
ultimately you're not a farmer.
You're a media personality.
One man in the village
has started
a "Stop Diddly Squat" crowdfunding thing.
[Jeremy sighs]
The applicant's conduct is shameful.
It indicates a "give me an inch
and I'll take a mile" attitude.
[man] All those in favour of refusal,
please show.
They simply say at the top
Oh, "Hereby refuses the application."
[Lisa] They can't refuse
the car park, surely.
You can appeal.
The Secretary of State.
It is going to be half a million,
isn't it, when all is said and done?
Have you ever heard of a farmer being
turned down for a farm track?
-Never.
-[Jeremy] Never.
[Jeremy] And since there was still
no sign of a council official
coming over the hill,
Charlie and I decided to celebrate
with some of our own ice-cold beer.
So, I was talking to Tim,
you know, the cow farmer, earlier,
who was looking at the barn.
And he said,
"I've got a barn," broadly speaking,
"exactly the same as this,
"and I'm half a mile from Silverstone
"where there's a constant
throughput of people.
"Could I do it?"
And it made me think, do you think
farmers are gonna watch this and go,
"That's a really good idea"?
[Charlie] Since you launched the whole
thing on Twitter, farmers have said,
"What are you doing?
How the hell are you doing that?"
Let's face it, it's not easy.
But if they invest the time
and the effort, absolutely.
There are loads of these views.
You know, lots of people have got
wonderful places,
special places, amazing buildings.
[Jeremy] Open two nights a week.
[Charlie] Two or three nights a week.
You know, May, June, July,
August, September.
-It doesn't have to be
-That's how they operate in Cornwall.
You know, those little seaside places,
they're open May, June
They work like stink in the summer.
-It's really rewarding.
-It is.
[Charlie] We haven't had a negative
comment. They've all been thrilled.
They love the food.
Everybody's going home with a suntan,
a little bit of a beer buzz,
very full of beef.
-[Charlie] You should be chuffed.
-[both laugh]
[Jeremy] We all can be.
I mean, honestly, it wasn't me.
I didn't even have the idea.
Alan
No, I had the idea for the restaurant,
which made you roll your eyes,
and then--
I did roll my eyes.
I take it all back.
-[Jeremy] Anyway. Well done, you.
-Thank you. And you.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] As we now had our own
restaurant, the next day,
I gathered the whole Diddly Squat
clan together, in the sunshine,
for a victory lunch.
Why have you got all the steak tartare?
-[Kaleb] You introduced it to me.
-You like it, then?
-I really like it.
-It's alive.
[Jeremy] It's not alive!
-It looks very much alive.
-[Jeremy] Then you have that.
I would like to say thank you,
to you all.
Really, and I mean thank you
very much to all of you.
[Alan] Fantastic.
-[Gerald] Cheers, guys.
-Cheers, guys.
-Alan, you're a rock star.
-Thank you.
Thank you for getting this built.
-Thank you.
-You really are.
[Jeremy] You screwed yourself, though,
so much this year.
You've let the building trade down
by building that in two days.
Every builder's gonna go,
"What were you thinking of?
"That should have been three months."
We've showed our hand, haven't we?
But come and look at that.
-[Lisa] I know.
-[Alan] Yes, look at the view.
I mean, look at that.
[Alan] Oh, it's unbelievable.
[Jeremy] We are lucky.
We are very, very lucky.
[Alan] Yeah, we are.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] We could also celebrate
the fact that even though
we'd all been busy with the council
and the restaurant
and the village nimbies,
we'd still managed
to reach the end
of another farming year.
[soft music]
All that remained was to gather
in the harvest.
But as that was still a week away,
there was time to spring
a little surprise on Kaleb.
You know it was your birthday
a couple of weeks back?
-You haven't given me a present yet.
-Exactly.
-Well, I've got you a present.
-Have you?
Yes, I have. And it's just round here.
Ready?
Ta-da!
[Kaleb] I've never been up.
I know you haven't.
You've never been off the ground at all.
Is it safe?
That, Agusta 109, king of helicopters.
And the actual chopper they used
in James Bond, the most recent one.
-I've never watched James Bond.
-I'm sorry?
I've never watched a James Bond film.
So it doesn't mean anything.
-You've never watched a James Bond film?
-No.
And you've never been in up
I've never been in the air.
You're effectively gonna take
my air virginity.
-I thought you'd be happy!
-I am happy. I'm just shitting it.
[Jeremy] G-Dog!
-Gerald.
-Do you wanna come for a helicopter ride?
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
[continues speaking]
That'll take your curls off.
[Jeremy] Assuming that was a "no",
I helped strap in the nervous foetus,
who then got a relaxing pre-flight brief
from the pilot.
That red tape on the big windows,
if you pull that,
the window would come out,
if you had to climb out the window.
And if you get out when it's running,
I'll be letting you out
[laughing]
And if you see any of the jet fighters
from the Fairford air show coming,
let me know.
For what reason?
We may not have seen them.
[Jeremy] if you see another plane
coming towards us, don't think,
"Oh well, they're bound to have seen it,"
'cause they might not have done.
When I'm in a car
my other half doesn't go,
"There's a car to the left of me."
[rotors]
I feel sick.
[Jeremy] We haven't even taken off yet.
[Kaleb] Holy shit.
[Jeremy] Oh, Kaleb has lift off!
Kaleb Cooper has left the ground
for the first time in his life!
What's he doing?
[Jeremy] It's all right,
it just bobbles about.
Why does it bobble about?
[Kaleb] Oh!
Look. There's the farm.
You can name the fields then.
That is
Taylor's.
Taylor's. Seen from the air
for the first time ever.
[classical music]
[Jeremy] As we flew
over neighbouring farms,
Kaleb realised that helicopters
were actually quite useful.
[Kaleb] He missed a bit down there, look.
What happened to that field?
Look. I know who farms it.
Should I start taking pictures
and send it all to the farmers?
"What have you done there,
then, mate?"
Look how close his N2 tramlines are,
look. You see that? You see that?
[laughs]
[Jeremy] This is the first time
I've ever been in a helicopter
with someone that only comments
on the mistakes farmers have made.
[classical music continues]
-Look at the view that way.
-It's amazing.
[Jeremy] You're loving it, aren't you?
[Kaleb] It is cool.
Right, back to the farm, then.
[Jeremy] Which meant it would soon
be time for my highlight of the ride.
Seven months had passed since Kaleb
had failed to plant a big strip
in one of the fields.
Drilled.
-Drilled.
-Not drilled.
-It is drilled.
-You haven't drilled it.
[Jeremy] And now,
my reminder of this little cock-up
was ready to be unveiled.
If you look out of this window here,
in Big Ground, yeah?
-Who wrote that?
-I did.
[Jeremy] I did that. In wildflowers.
Cause you missed it.
-[Kaleb] I can't believe you wrote that.
-I certainly did.
[Kaleb] Holy shit.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] It would have been great
to move from this birthday treat
straight into the joy of harvesting.
But first, there was one
heart-in-the-mouth job
that need taking care of.
Five weeks had passed since Pepper
and the bull had done their thing,
and today we'd find out
whether she was going to be a mum
or meat.
[Lisa] Hello, little one.
All right, this is it.
This is Don't
Everybody, positive waves.
I've got her life in my hands.
OK, see if I can find a baby for you.
[Jeremy] Please find one.
[Dilwyn] Right, let's see what we've got.
[mooing]
She is not in calf.
That's it now, isn't it?
Put her for the restaurant.
She's definitely, definitely,
definitely not?
[Dilwyn] No. And she's now fat.
What does that mean?
She doesn't produce anything.
-So these cows, they are producing milk.
-Milk. Got you.
And they're also maintaining
their pregnancy at the moment.
So they're working.
Whereas Pepper isn't working.
She's just eating the same amount
and just putting down fat.
Shall I ring Mutchmeats then?
Oh god.
[Kaleb] Look at that one. That one's
producing you money.
And the one on the left and right there.
Yeah, but Jeremy's always been--
It's always been his favourite cow.
-It is my favourite cow.
-[Kaleb] Well, choose another one.
[laughter]
Oh God. What am I gonna do?
Well, let's let them out while we
[mooing]
[Kaleb] What are you gonna do?
So, the first cow
we've nearly finished.
The second cow is ready to
-Go straight into the restaurant.
-Go to the restaurant.
So, if we're gonna have to send
a third cow off, which we are
You know, get it in early next week.
28 days hanging.
We pick the one that's not pregnant.
[Jeremy] Yeah, you pick the one
that can't get pregnant.
So she's the right weight to go,
isn't she?
[Kaleb] She's the right weight,
where the other ones
need at least another two, three months.
[Lisa] It's gonna have to be her,
isn't it?
[Kaleb] Yeah.
You've spent a lot of money
on that cow already now,
so technically, in terms of a beefer,
that one would be going.
[Lisa] You shouldn't have favourites.
You shouldn't have favourites,
really, no.
[Jeremy] Oh God.
I think he might choose himself
in a minute.
She's not pregnant.
-[Charlie] Again?
-Hmm.
[Charlie] Oh. I mean,
we're paying for the bull.
And he really needs to go back,
because he's done his job
on everything else.
[Jeremy] Yeah, no, we're not paying
any more for the bull.
[Charlie] The reality is, the likelihood
of her getting pregnant is low.
So, what's her usefulness on the farm?
[Jeremy] I mean, look,
she's looking at me.
No, she's looking.
[Jeremy] Oh God.
Fuck it.
[Jeremy] Lisa?
We've got a pet cow.
["Ramble On" by Led Zeppelin playing]
Leaves are falling all around ♪
It's time I was on my way ♪
Thanks to you I'm much obliged ♪
For such a pleasant stay ♪
Ah, sometimes I grow so tired ♪
But I know I've got
one thing I got to do ♪
Ramble on ♪
♪And now's the time, the time is now ♪
To sing my song ♪
I'm goin' 'round the world,
I got to find my girl ♪
On my way ♪
I've been this way
ten years to the day ♪
Ramble on ♪
Gotta find the queen of all my dreams ♪
I ain't tellin' no lie ♪
I guess I keep on rambling ♪
I'm gonna, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Sing my song
I gotta find my baby ♪
I gotta ramble on, sing my song ♪
Gotta work my way
around the world baby, baby ♪
Ramble on, yeah ♪
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, my baby ♪
Doo, doo, doo, doo ♪